* wikipedia lie
Wilson: The worry always seems to be that people like jennifer edit wikipedia, but people really should be worried about people like YOU editing wikipedia.
Susan: What makes you think people like me only edit WIKIPEDIA?

* eye enlightenment
Hawaii: Fear is just a visitor to your brain
Hawaii: It doesn't belong to you

Jennifer: I'm confused. Is this a hallucination or a metaphor?

* copyright GE
Susan: How many patents do you violate?
Jennifer: I don't know... I assume hundreds...
Susan: I infringe 2080 patents and 4 copyrights.

* comic subnormality
Jennifer: This comic pisses me off!
Jennifer: Apparently I'M the jerk for being alienated, since everyone is JUST AS WEIRD AS ME!
Jennifer: "Ha ha! We're ALL weird when you think about it! Caitlyn has an idiosyncrasy and Tisha has a quirk! Why don't you come sit on the couch and watch boondock saints with us, Jennifer?"
Susan: Winston Rowntree isn't saying everyone is equally weird, he's just pedantically pointing out that everyone is at least a TINY bit weird, and then disingenuously IMPLYING a false equivilance in degree.

Hawaii: I mailed you a letter!
Jennifer: I got the letter you mailed me, and here's the thing about that letter.
Jennifer: It wasn't so much a letter as a cracker. You mailed me a cracker.

Alan: Is this a real show?

* GE
Susan: that's because i'm custom and you're designer
Wilson: i'm custom too, actually
Jennifer: face it wilson, you're a mad lib! you're just Well-Rounded Jewish Son #12 plus pancake batter and blue housepaint!

Wilson: i'm not going to your house.
Susan: why not?
Wilson: because i feel like you would do something creepy
Susan: like what?
Wilson: answering the door naked, or drugging me, or some kind of froghammer two-way mirror thing
Susan: is this reverse psychology and you really DO want me to answer the door naked?
Wilson: it's a moot point, because i'm not going to your house.

Susan: i don't like to fight. i like to talk.

Hawaii: they call them fuzzies!

Wilson: Imagine a desert.
Susan: Ok.
Wilson: In the desert is a cube. Describe the cube.
Susan: It's buried in the sand so that only a corner is sticking out, but it's so large that this one little corner looks like a gigantic pyramid, seven miles tall. There's no way to tell how big the cube is below the surface. It's made of obsidian.
Wilson: Very nice.
Susan: Thank you.
Wilson: Also in the desert is a ladder. Describe the ladder.
Susan: It's one of the wooden ladders terry tibbs tried to buy on an episode of fonejacker. It's sticking out of the sand at an angle and serves no purpose.
Wilson: There's a storm. Describe the storm.
Susan: It's far away, but it looks close because of how big it is. It's a super-hurricane, or a mega-hurricane, or whatever that's called when a hurricane gets so big, it collapses in on itself and starts acting more like a giant tornado. It almost looks like a matte painting, because unless you watch it for a while, it doesn't seem to be moving.
Wilson: Alright. There's a horse. Describe the horse.
Susan: He's a fat little blue pony, and his name is wilson. He stands obliviously in the pyramid's shadow, eating hay.
Wilson: You've played this before, haven't you.
Susan: Yes.
Wilson: I thought to try it because I listened to the two songs you mentioned yesterday as being the only ones in your listening project that you liked, and it leapt out at me that there was something going on with them that you didn't seem to be consciously aware of.
Susan: How so?
Wilson: They're the same song.
[susan thinks]
Wilson: In both cases, the singer is promising unconditional refuge from a metaphorical storm. Garfunkle is offering himself as the way out, and rihanna is offering herself as the destination, but apart from that, their messages are identical.
Susan: And so you wanted to see what the storm meant to me.
Wilson: I don't generally go for this kind of thing, but in the context it seemed worth a shot.
Susan: When I first played the cube game, I had the storm directly overhead and the giant cube extending up through it rather than down into the sand. The ladder was electric, and penetrated the cube, the desert, and the storm. The cube was invisible except for its surface, which was like the surface of water.
Wilson: And the horse?
Susan: A sawhorse. Don't read too much into it, I just don't like animals.
Wilson: What do you think attracts you to the message of those songs?
Susan: I... feel very burdened by the things I know about the world. I understand the real problems better than virtually anyone, but not well enough to actually do anything about them. I look into space and see this incomprehensible abyss.
Susan: i'm an architect of confusion, but it doesn't help me escape the maze
Susan: i had hoped it would give me insight, or even that the builders would see my skill and hire me, and that would be my way out
Susan: or even, farcically, that i could compete with the builders, and make a maze within the maze that was even easier to get lost in, and then when everyone was lost in my maze i would be powerful enough to take on the masters
Susan: i don't think any of those things will happen
Susan: i'm just the high priestess of a cargo cult
Susan: but i'm at a loss for what else to do
Susan: i feel completely defeated, but there's no way to give up. there's nowhere to go, and i can't turn off the part of my brain that works on the problem.
Wilson: That's... surprisingly candid of you.
Susan: Yeah... generally nobody asks about my problems, and I don't volunteer them because you can't really help me. I need a deus ex machina.

Jennifer: they're an affectation, like wilson's glasses
Wilson: i have a non-genetic astigmatism
[Jennifer takes his glasses and puts them on]
Jennifer: nope, they're fake.
Wilson: it's a very light perscription!

Jennifer: hawaii's understanding of politics is woefully inaccurate.
Wilson: and whose fault is that?

Hawaii: girls evolved from cats!
Wilson: did Jennifer tell you that?
Hawaii: yes!

* early
The world is a place made of land and water
And even though it makes sense in pictures
I do not understand it

Kaylee: If you love humanity so much, why don't you marry it?

Paige: Sometimes it can. Remember the house on ash tree lane?
Jennifer: That's from a movie.
Paige: Yeah, a documentary.
Jennifer: A FAKE documentary. About a fake house that doesn't exist, made of soundstages and green screens.
Paige: No, because I read that there's no way they could've done it that way, because they didn't have the money!
* * *
Paige: Thanks for leaving me thoroughly disillusioned.
Jennifer: Man, will navidson has gotten FAT.

Susan: People with fringe beliefs mostly fall into two categories. The first kind uncritically help themselves to every variety of food available at the fringe idea buffet, until their plates are an overflowing, incoherent mess.
Susan: The second kind only take one thing, and recoil from the rest of it like it's been sneezed on. The idea that the universe might be broken in more than one way is too much for them to handle.
Susan: They tend to aggregate into groups. Truthers, initiates, transhumanists, ghost-hunters, ufologists, etc.
Susan: Lesswrong claims to be a community of "rationalists", who choose their beliefs purely on the basis of evidence, and not on affiliation with some authority or creed.
Susan: but really they're just transhumanists.

* GE
Jennifer: It's ridiculous how different you are from hawaii. You're like her evil twin!
Susan: Twins and clones tend to be most dissimilar as children, when evironmental factors predominate.
Clone-sister: Hopefully as we get older I'll catch up with her.
Jennifer: Don't you mean hopefully she'll catch up with you?
Clone-sister: She's better than me at everything. I have superior speaking skills, and that's pretty much it.

* paperwork
Jennifer: Hawaii, you spelled your name wrong.
Hawaii: I did?
Jennifer: You wrote "Hawai".
[pause]
[gears over Jennifer's head]
Jennifer: Well played.

Wilson: A poor workman blames her tools.
Jennifer: Tool apologist, eh? We'll see how smug you are when I win my class-action suit against the tool company!

Hawaii: she made a smiley-face with her face!

* podcasts mbmbam
Jennifer: Chuckle Fraternity.
Wilson: What's the format?
Jennifer: Q&A.
Wilson: Who's on it?
Jennifer: tom waits, gilbert gottfried and snookie.

Wilson: Hanging out with adults all day is kind of disturbing, because you begin to realize they're not any smarter than the kids we go to school with.

Susan: what i object to about self-aggrandizing rap isn't the sexism, it's the inauthenticity of their claim to power
Susan: the reason the "boyz in the hood" can "pull the card" of some street thug is that the state couldn't care less.
Susan: both parties are beneath the contempt of the people who really run the world.

* copyright
Susan: Well, copyright infringement is a FORM of theft, in the same way that sodomy is a form of murder.
Wilson: I can't tell if that's a clever analogy or a non-sequitor.
Susan: When you have sex in a manner that can't get someone pregnant, you're murdering the resulting children who don't exist. Similarly, when you pirate a song, you're stealing the nonexistant money that the record company never got paid for the CD you didn't buy.
Wilson: That is a complete caricature of anti-piracy logic.
Susan: Is it?

* school
Jennifer: You have to remember, though, that not everybody is as naturally drawn to knowledge as you are. Most kids have to be FORCED to learn.
Clone-sister: Does that work?
Jennifer: No!

* GE
Wilson: i don't understand why people WANT clones, rather than the most advanced kid they could get.
Wilson: it's like you're walking to best buy to get a new computer, and on the way a guy in an alley says "psst, hey buddy"
Wilson: "i see you're looking for a new computer"
Wilson: "what if i told you i could get you a new computer... that's exactly like your old computer?"
Susan: I'm essentially a clone of my mother except obnoxiously assertive and pretty and smart.
Wilson: "susan" is actually your middle name, isn't it.
Susan: Yes.
Wilson: somehow the fact that she lampshaded it makes it even worse.
Jennifer: i'm not following this conversation at all!

Susan: My documentary is about your documentary. Actually it's about the documentaries of all the other students in the class, but theirs are boring, so.
Wilson: How flattering.

* ufo
Susan: Wilson doesn't believe in flying saucers.
Wilson: I'm not sure I even believe that YOU believe in flying saucers.

* enlightenment
Hawaii: Jennifer doesn't believe in enlightenment.
Jennifer: Well, I certainly don't believe YOU'RE enlightened.

* SAM
Hawaii: This building is still growing!
Jennifer: Where?
Hawaii: Right here! The carpet hairs are appearing!
[pause]
Jennifer: I don't see it.

* enlightenment hospital
Jennifer: Does that mean she's enlightened?
Doctor: How would I possibly know that?

* hospital
Jennifer: Can you make your heart stop beating?
Doctor: Please don't.

Susan: Hawaii - from Hawaiian Hawai'i, from Proto-Polynesian *hawaiki. Said to mean "Place of the Gods" and be a reference to Mauna Kea and Mauna Loa. See also SANDWICH. Related: Hawaiian (1825). First record of Hawaiian shirt is from 1955.
Hawaii: sandwich!
Susan: Sandwich - 1762, said to be an allusion to John Montagu (1718-1792), Fourth Earl of Sandwich, who was said to be an inveterate gambler who ate slices of cold meat between bread at the gaming table during marathon sessions rather than get up for a proper meal (this account dates to 1770). It was in his honor that Cook named the Hawaiian islands (1778) when Montagu was first lord of the Admiralty. The verb is from 1861. Sandwich board is from 1864. The family name is from the place in Kent, O.E. Sandwicæ, lit. "sandy harbor (or trading center)." For pronunciation, see CABBAGE.
Hawaii: cabbage!
Susan: Cabbage - mid-15c., caboge, from M.Fr. caboche "head" (in the Channel Islands, "cabbage"), from O.Fr. caboce "head," from L. caput "head" (see HEAD). Introduced to Canada in 1541 by-
Hawaii: head!
Susan: Head - O.E. heafod "top of the body," also "upper end of a slope," also "chief person, leader, ruler; capital city," from P.Gmc. *haubudam
Susan: (cf. O.S. hobid, O.N. hofuð, O.Fris. haved, M.Du. hovet, Du. hoofd, O.H.G. houbit, Ger. Haupt, Goth. haubiþ "head"),
Susan: from PIE *kaput- "head" (cf. Skt. kaput-, L. caput "head"). Modern spelling is early 15c., representing what was then a long vowel (as in heat) and remained after pronunciation shifted.
Susan: Of rounded tops of plants, from late 14c. Meaning "origin of a river" is mid-14c.
Susan: Meaning "obverse of a coin" is from 1680s; meaning "foam on a mug of beer" is first attested 1540s; meaning "toilet" is from 1748, based on location of crew toilet in the bow (or head) of a ship.
Susan: Synechdochic use for "person" (as in head count) is first attested late 13c.; of cattle, etc., in this sense from 1510s.
Susan: Meaning "drug addict" (usually in a compound with the preferred drug as the first element) is from 1911.
Susan: To "give he-
Wilson: *ahem*
Jennifer: if i made an etymology dictionary, it'd just be a giant tome that secretly has a hole in the middle of the pages
Jennifer: and when you open it, a deadly snake pops out and bites you in the neck

Professor: Roughly speaking, if P=NP, there is no problem the solution to which is more difficult to find than it is to verify.
Jennifer: No problem in some obscure branch of math that no one cares about, or no problem in general?
Professor: No problem in the class NP, which includes almost every problem humanity's ever created or encountered. If P=NP, black is white, up is down, dogs marry cats, the whole polynomial hierarchy collapses like the world trade center, violating conservation of momentum.
Wilson: Oh christ, not you too. 

* SAM house
[dog barks]
Jennifer: How is it that we've been in every room of your house, yet we've never seen your dog?
Client: It's an invisible dog.
Hawaii: You should get an invisible fence!

* libertarianism SAM house
Jennifer: I see you have a four-door coupe.
Client: Hey, how about that.
Jennifer: So, this just happened?
Client: Yup. Guess I have to get that inspected too.
Jennifer: If by "inspected" you mean "towed out to a landfill and compacted into a small cube"
Client: The car is my property, just like the house.
Jennifer: Yeah, except that if the HOUSE has an undiagnosed problem, water starts coming out of the air vent and you call a plumber. If the CAR has an undiagnosed problem, you DIE.
Client: That's my risk to take.
Jennifer: And what about the kids in the backseat? Or the kids in the backseat of the car you crash into when your blinker light fluid starts draining into your brake line?
Client: There's no such thing as blinker light fluid.
Jennifer: Not in a normal car.
Client: I admit it's a complicated problem, but a nanny-state-society isn't the solution.
Jennifer: You can't be trusted to make responsible decisions about car safety, so the nanny-state-society makes them for you. Simple problem, simple solution.
Client: It's not as simple as you think.

* libertarianism
Susan: i like that turn of phrase
Susan: not just the Nanny-State, but the Nanny-State-Society
Jennifer: let's name our country that
Jennifer: we can abbreviate it the N.S.S.

* SAM house
Hawaii: Hey, a bowling pin! Was it supposed to be a rolling pin?

* SAM
Wilson: So, what causes SAM?
Jennifer: i don't know, elves! magical fairy elves!
Hawaii: that's your answer for everything!
Jennifer: AND IT ALWAYS WORKS!
Jennifer: TAKE ME AWAY, ELVES!

Hawaii: one is your shadow, one is your shadow's reflection, and... one is your reflection's shadow.
Jennifer: Hmm... wait... what's the fourth shadow, then?
Hawaii: that could be from a vampire.
Wilson: There's four shadows because there's two objects and two light sources. You, your reflection, the sun, and the sun's reflection.

Susan: I'm not sure I agree with you 100% on your grammar police work, there, Wilson. What word should she have used?
Wilson: "Figuratively"
Susan: But that DE-emphasizes the sentence. She didn't say "literally" to point out she was using a metaphor, she did it to affirm the validity of that metaphor in a manner which was itself an exaggeration.
Wilson: Then she should've used "really". "Literally" means something is literal.
Susan: By that logic, doesn't "really" mean something is real?

Hawaii: what's a typical rickroll song?

* portal
Hawaii: the lady who tells you about cake

* the_wire
Hawaii: alvin and stripe

Jennifer: "Monster from poem containing 7up".
Hawaii: professor buggs!
Jennifer: It's only ten letters, and no poem contains professor thaddeus buggs and 7up!
Hawaii: what about the slouchyslouching poem?
Wilson: It probably means word 7 up in the crossword.
Jennifer: Crosswords don't have an up, only across and down!
Wilson: What's the clue for 7 down?
Jennifer: "Structural gene for erythromycin O-methyltransferase." four letters.
Delta: That's eryG. So, upwards is "Gyre".
Wilson: "Did gyre and gimble in the wabe". Jabberwocky.
Jennifer: Jabberwocky has eleven letters!
Wilson: The poem is Jabberwocky, but the monster is just "jabberwock".

* eye
Susan: You should get a glass eye that's clear on the front surface and painted like an eye on the back surface, so it would follow people

* early
Jennifer: Hello?
Wilson: Hi, is this Jennifer Sterbenskrank?
Jennifer: No, this is her roommate Irma, may I ask who's calling?
Wilson: I'm wilson parker. Jennifer was my summer camp counselor five or six years ago.
Jennifer: I'll have her call you back.
Wilson: Thanks.

* early
Jennifer: Hello?
Wilson: This is Jennifer, isn't it.
Jennifer: Yes.
Wilson: This is wilson parker again.
[pause]
Wilson: Do you remember me?
Jennifer: Yeah, you were the blue kid.
[pause]
Jennifer: Just calling to see how much further down in the dumps I've fallen?
Wilson: Our AP film class summer project is a documentary. I'd like to make you my subject.
Jennifer: Hmm. Tell me more.

* early
Wilson: Do I need to sign a waiver or something?
Jennifer: Yeah, probably...

* early
Wilson: So, I guess I should sign that waiver.
Jennifer: Yeah, let's talk to my boss.
[they walk over to alan]
Jennifer: Where's BOSS1?
Alan: I haven't seen her today.
Jennifer: This kid wants to come along on a building inspection. Where's the thing that he signs that says it's not my fault if he dies?
Alan: I don't know. Ask Mr. Havelka.
Jennifer: Pfffffffff... ffffff... fine.
[They walk to havelka's office. The door says STEVE HAVELKA, OWNER. Jennifer knocks]
Mr. Havelka: [through the door] Come in.
[Jennifer and Wilson enter. Mr. Havelka is on the phone. He motions them to sit down, and they do]
Mr. Havelka: OK
Mr. Havelka: tom cruise
Mr. Havelka: hmmmmmmmmmm
Mr. Havelka: richard branson
Mr. Havelka: maurice sendak
Mr. Havelka: rainbow brite
Mr. Havelka: stephen sondheim
Mr. Havelka: the complete cast and crew of "knot's landing"
Mr. Havelka: how am i doing so far
Mr. Havelka: ah, vidím...
Mr. Havelka: alan alda
Mr. Havelka: moby
Mr. Havelka: earthworm jim
Mr. Havelka: the internet
Mr. Havelka: party patrol, ltd.
Mr. Havelka: j. edgar hoover
Mr. Havelka: prove it!
Mr. Havelka: show me the answer key!
Mr. Havelka: [hovering his finger over a button] i've got some people here, I have to put you on hold.
Mr. Havelka: [hanging up] What can I do for you?
Jennifer: He wants to follow me on a building inspection.
Mr. Havelka: For what purpose?
Wilson: I'm making a documentary.
Mr. Havelka: Outstanding! I'll see if I can rig the shift rotation so you get to see some interesting buildings. You will have to sign a waiver.
[opens a drawer, pulls out a form]
Mr. Havelka: Need a pen?
Wilson: Thanks.
[signs form]
Wilson: What's today's date?
Mr. Havelka: It is the 4th of October.
[wilson dates form]
Mr. Havelka: Happy filmmaking.
Wilson: Thanks.
[wilson and Jennifer leave]
Jennifer: ohhh, god, I knew this was a terrible idea...
Wilson: what's the problem?
Jennifer: he's going to give us all the hard buildings! you've shattered my perfect dream of watching anime all day!

* SAM
Jennifer: ever explore a deep dark tunnel?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: any kind of tunnel?
Wilson: no...
Jennifer: a funnel? a chunnel?
Wilson: i guess i've looked through a funnel

* SAM pawn_shop
Jennifer: people would come in and say, "this is all money, you know you're getting an incredible deal, blah blah, i'm a shit-kicking imbecile and should be shot"
Jennifer: but they were very wrong, except about the last part

* SAM theater
Jennifer: the old midget ticket taker at the movie theatre i never go to is a total asshole
Jennifer: he's got stubby little hands and his fingers run together to form crab-like mandibles
Jennifer: and he's a jerk!
Jennifer: i don't think people should be required to be nice to midgets if the midget is a jerk

* SAM museum
Guy: where can a guy get a fake spider around here?
Jennifer: thus fake spiderthustra on benchley ave.
Guy: thanks! [leaves]
Wilson: does that store actually exist?
Jennifer: probably?

* SAM mall
Hawaii: does this mall have escalators in the mall part?
Jennifer: yyyyyy...
Jennifer: yes
Jennifer: what other parts could it possibly have escalators in
Wilson: the stores
Jennifer: oh
Jennifer: well, hmm, wait

* SAM mall
Jennifer: do you have change for a twenty?
Cashier: i'm sorry, we're not allowed to open the drawers without making a sale
Jennifer: i'll open YOUR drawers without making a sale
[they stare at each other]

* SAM miniature_golf
Hawaii: golf is great because you can just play it where you want to
Hawaii: for basketball, you need a basket up high on a pole
Hawaii: and you need a widened space for football and baseball
Hawaii: and for polo you need twenty prize stallions
Hawaii: engineered so their eyes light up yellow, like headlights
Hawaii: and you've gotta sit on them going "VRRRROOOOOM! VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"

* SAM books
Client: The books are all in latin or something, and they all say the same thing.
Wilson: it's lorem ipsum
Client: I don't know what that is! I'm from public school!

* SAM books
Jennifer: "Solomon was an ordinary rabbit, except for one thing: anytime he wanted to, he could turn into a rusty nail."

* SAM books
Jennifer: "Sometime the bus be's late and you have to stand in the streets and wait in weather ten times colder than a roller skate."

* SAM books
Jennifer: remember "the old man and the sea"?
Jennifer: my parents wouldn't stop talking about how i had to read it for school, before freshman year started
Jennifer: although once school started, it turned out that nobody in the entire class bothered finishing it
Jennifer: the teacher never really brought it up, either
Jennifer: i don't think we ended up discussing a single book on that honors curriculum
Jennifer: and i'm... a better person for it? well, hmm.

* SAM books
Wilson: "sanity means never reaching the end of your book"
Jennifer: what's that from, the little book of fat little lies?

* SAM books
Jennifer: the horrible book of googly trolls?

* SAM airport
Wilson: have you been in airport SINCE you were three?
Jennifer: yes! multiple ones! many times!
Wilson: which ones
Jennifer: uhhhhhhhhhh
Jennifer: sky harbor Izzyational, LAX...
Jennifer: that's... it
Wilson: why on earth did you go to LAX?
Jennifer: why the hell wouldn't i!
Wilson: because you weren't getting on or off a plane and you don't live in california
Jennifer: well, those are all valid reasons

* SAM airport
Jennifer: you're so fat you don't NEED a parachute! that's how gravity works, right?

* SAM house
Jennifer: there are no basements in phoenix
Jennifer: NONE!
Hawaii: because arizona soil is too hard!
Hawaii: so digging is impossible
Jennifer: also because they'd be full of scheming radioactive scorpions
Jennifer: and snakes
Hawaii: Yes
Jennifer: not radioactive snakes though, that would be ridiculous.

* SAM car_wash
Wilson: Going through a car wash not in a car would probably hurt a lot
Jennifer: no it wouldn't! remember THE COUNTRY BEARS?
Jennifer: those two guys went through a car wash in that, and they came out the other side as a couple of skeletons.
Jennifer: and the car wash attendant came up and put tree air fresheners around their skeleton necks
Wilson: I think you made that up out of whole cloth
Jennifer: baaaaaaaasically, yes!
Jennifer: it was a good lie, though

* SAM sun_city
Jennifer: i don't remember the exact figure of seniors in sun city, but it's something like 75%
Jennifer: it's basically heaven for old people
Wilson: as opposed to the normal heaven, which is for dead people?
Jennifer: yeah, and doesn't exist

* xmas winter
Jennifer: i'm going to put this william shatner thing in here
Jennifer: here's ANOTHER andy dick christmas song
Jennifer: where he talks about how he's a chronic masturbator
Jennifer: i think the people at the office will appreciate the humor in that

* xmas winter
Susan: i didn't talk to a single soul on christmas day, except a gay man doing his laundry
Susan: we got into an argument with about the nature of reality, i and shattered his dreams of a harmonious and loving universe
Susan: also i read chapters 1-3 of my book on the black plague
Wilson: I went to turner's and had dinner with his extended family
Wilson: they gave grampa turner a dvd with his old photos on it and he broke down into tears
Wilson: and then they put it on
Wilson: I'm not sure where I'm going with this, never mind...

* xmas winter
Jennifer: everyone loves to bitch and whine about the holidays...

* xmas winter
Jennifer: i wonder what people would do if you just rang the doorbell dressed as santa, said nothing but HO HO HO, and shovelled all their valubles into a sack
Jennifer: if there were kids around, they couldn't do anything to stop you!
Jennifer: they'd just have to make up some excuse for your behavior

* xmas winter
Jennifer: mein tenenbauuum
Jennifer: mein tenenbauuum
Jennifer: death to the infidels, mein tenenbaauuuuum
Jennifer: i buried beethro

* xmas winter
Jennifer: let's rename him macaulky caulkin and have him spray caulk out of his ears

* halloween autumn
Jennifer: it's very hard to be surprised by the ineptitude of your average UPS delivery monkey
Jennifer: but then they do something absolutely idiotic like LEAVE YOUR PACKAGE OUT IN THE OPEN, UNATTENDED, ON HALLOWEEN NIGHT
Jennifer: and at that point, it becomes all too easy again!

* weirdness
Jennifer: 12kb sent by the time i closed the connection
Wilson: i wasn't sending anything
Hawaii: it must have been an alien that got into the teleport beam
Jennifer: it was not! it was just you on a slow connection!
Wilson: no, seriously! i wasn't sending anything
Jennifer: well, then, a bird must have clogged AIM's datahole

* 9/11
Jennifer: wilson thinks that there were "shady things" going on, but he says the idea that the government did it is "absurd"
Jennifer: what do you say to that, hawaii?
Hawaii: he's a groundhog with tentacles instead of arms
Jennifer: he is...

* memory_eraser
Jennifer: AUUUUUUUUUGH
Jennifer: why haven't they invented THOUGHT DESTROYING LASERS
Jennifer: that will just ZAP YOUR HORRIBLE FEARS INTO NOTHINGNESS
Susan: they have
Susan: maybe the fact that you had one and you didn't know why was driving you insane
Susan: so you made yourself forget they exist
Jennifer: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhh!

* PPC comic
Jennifer: I read your stupid fucking comic and it was stupid!
Jennifer: I even enjoyed a lot of it

* Jennifer's_house
Jennifer: today there was a paper bag of kitchen trash outside the door to my room with a note on it that said "room #2 trash goes out the door and not in the house all the week"
Jennifer: which i assume means "take out the trash more often"

* Jennifer's_house
Hawaii: knock knock!
Jennifer: YOU'RE THERE
Jennifer: GET OUT
Hawaii: no, not me!
Hawaii: do it properly!
Jennifer: YOU ARE, I LOOKED THROUGH PEEPHOLE, YOU ARE THERE, GET OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT

* summer_camp
Jennifer: remember fatlands, my ccg?
Wilson: yes
Jennifer: each booster box came packed in a pound of flesh
Wilson: it wasn't so much a game as a comic, with each panel on its own card
Wilson: which, assembled, showed you stealing the color pie from richard garfield's windowsill, in super slow motion

Jennifer: th-
Jennifer: hmm

* summer_camp
Jennifer: so i screamed at everybody! constantly! nonstop! so what! they liked it! it built character! it was a character builder!

* summer_camp
Jennifer: you know what's apparently universal about children, is when they get hurt and fall down, they won't say anything at all if you ask them whether they're all right

* mental_illness
Jennifer: i have tourette's syndrome
Wilson: really
Jennifer: yes
Wilson: i don't believe you
Jennifer: only a little bit......
Jennifer: mainly i just have the uncontrollable urge to murder everybody
Wilson: that's not tourette's syndrome at all!

* mental_illness
Susan: I went to a psychiatrist, and I said "diagnose me with something so I can get free money"
Susan: And they said "what are your symptoms?"
Susan: And I said "I'm lazy and manipulative"

* mental_illness
Jennifer: do psychiatrists listen to bitching and moaning?
Wilson: anyone does, if you bitch and moan at them
Jennifer: for some reason i've kept envisioning them working like a pharmacy
Jennifer: you go up to the window, tell them what's wrong, and they give you drugs
Jennifer: only last night as i was falling asleep did i realize that that was wrong

* ppc
Hawaii: that's the end monster from cosmo's cosmic adventures!
Hawaii: it made a creepy noise
Jennifer: you make a creepy noise
Jennifer: please stop!

* drugs
Jennifer: well hawaii, i give drugs a thumbs down
Jennifer: "don't do drugs" says Jennifer
Jennifer: "they're just rubbish!"
Hawaii: try wholesome activities, like all bran, and skateboarding?

* JFK
Jennifer: lee harvey oswald was covered with intelligence fingerprints
Jennifer: if you ran him under a black light, the words INTELLIGENCE and J'ACCUSE would pop up all over him
Jennifer: also endless semen stains, but that goes without saying, really

* tall_comics forum
Wilson: I should hire you as a moderator, you'd be good at banning people
Jennifer: i'm past that! i'm all about love hugs, now! give me a hug!
Wilson: I don't like this.

* voice_changing overthinkingit
Jennifer [on phone, pitch-shifted]: Do you like scary movies?
Susan: Not particularly.
Jennifer: What's your favorite scary movie?
Susan: Is "cube" a scary movie?
Jennifer: I haven't seen that.
Susan: What's a movie you would consider to be near the dividing line between scary movies and non-scary movies?
Jennifer: That's a good question. I'll think about it and call you back. [click]
Jennifer: She wants to know what my criteria for scary movies is. What's a movie that's just barely a horror movie?
Wilson: According to overthinkingit.com, Blade. Peter Fenzel had an article on it.
Jennifer: Link me.
Wilson: You have my phone.
[Jennifer hands it back to him, he pokes at it, hands it back, long pause while she reads]
Jennifer: "In systems that exhibit histeresis, the starting point affects what the endpoint means and how things function at the endpoint. See Exhibit 1, which compares 'I was disappointed by this movie' I Am Legend to 'I was disappointed this became a movie' Twilight, on the basis of whether each movie, in its final execution and end state, is a vampire movie or not."
Jennifer: Jesus christ, I just want to know what Blade is about so I can pretend to have watched it!

* enlightenment
Hawaii: people like flashbacks because they like to pause reality, but really they can't.
Hawaii: really it just keeps going on, even when they're remembering.

* enlightenment
Jennifer: You are not enlightened! Ignoring for the moment the fact that you're twelve years old, you're HISPANIC!
Wilson: She's a reverse Señor Chang.

* eye
Hawaii: i'm getting my stitches taken out tomorrow
Hawaii: so i can go back to being the healthy, active girl that i was before
Hawaii: always tossing footballs around...

* eye
Wilson: how did hawaii lose her eye?
Jennifer: the palsy
Wilson: what palsy
Jennifer: eye palsy
Wilson: there's no such thing
Jennifer: you don't know very much and that's a fact
Wilson: fine! but there's still no such thing as eye palsy!

Jennifer: can i stay at your house
Wilson: ok
Jennifer: FOREVER?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: can i bring my cat, mr. fluffers?
Wilson: we have a cat
Wilson: he'd get angry
Jennifer: can i eat your food, so when you go to get food, there isn't any, and you whip around, and there I am stuffing it into my mouth?
Wilson: maybe this isn't such a good idea.

* early susan
Wilson: We have a one-sided rivalry where she brags about how her webcomic is more meta and updates more frequently.
Jennifer: Is she cute? Do you have a crush on her?
Wilson: She has clumps of fleshy tentacle things on her head. One of them is abnormally long.
Jennifer: So, yes, then.
Jennifer: Man, I saw a kid with one of those at the grocery store. It was literally TWO FEET LONG! I nearly puked.
Wilson: Well, susan's is considerably longer than that, so be prepared.
Wilson: She's smart, but her personality is kind of icky.
Jennifer: How so?
Wilson: She either isn't aware of or doesn't respect social boundries. Talking to her is exhausting, because she seems to want nothing but fill up your head with whatever she's thinking about, and it just keeps coming.
Jennifer: She probably just likes you!

* early susan
Lyria: Hilarious!
Wilson: I wonder if you'll get along...

* early susan
Susan: we've met before, haven't we?
Jennifer: no! don't even pretend, because i don't like it.

* ufo comic
Susan: what should be on the doors that can't be opened in this UFO?
Hawaii: wet puddle inside!

* portal
Wilson: Hey, be careful! That's a $40 pen.

* portal
Jennifer: You should've gotten one that was orange and blue.
Wilson: I imagine valve has that color combination trademarked.

* portal
Jennifer: What happens if I stick my hand through this and the batteries pick that exact moment to run out?
Wilson: I don't know. They say not to stick your hand through.
Hawaii: I'll do it!
Jennifer: No!

* portal
Jennifer: You know what's dumb about portals, is why are they oval shaped instead of circular?
Wilson: Why are TVs and photographs rectangular instead of square?
Jennifer: Poloroids are square.
Wilson: Touché.

* disaster
Jennifer: weeeelp
Jennifer: it's time for a paean to the departed
Hawaii: what's a paean?
Jennifer: a song
Jennifer: a joyful song
Jennifer: one of praise
Jennifer: one of................             hmmmmmmmmmmmm
Jennifer: i haven't had glazed in-n-out donuts in a while

* cat SAM house
Hawaii: what's the matter? CAT GOT YOUR TOUNGE? [produces a cat from behind her back]

* cat SAM house
Cat: NNNNNNNNnnnnnnoooooooeeeeooooowwww
Hawaii: Jennifer! you've become so disagreeable you've turned into a cat
Jennifer: you're the disagreeable one!

Wilson: you can't use "it" to refer to something from five conversations ago.

* weirdness ufo
Susan: it's funny how quickly we go from thinking invisible elves are an unquestionable sign of insanity to actually believing in them

Jennifer: people who complain about advertizing are more annoying than advertizing itself
Jennifer: honestly, advertising MAY be prominent in tons of crap we do every day, but if you seriously can't ignore it then you're basically a godamned idiot

* lie
Hawaii: But it IS a lie, it's a LIE, Jennifer!
Jennifer: Everything is a lie, hawaii.

* idea
Jennifer: you know what'd be a great lifelong project?
Wilson: Living morally and dying with dignity?

Jennifer: i guess what we've learned is that everything sucks
Paige: what about there needing to be some baseline for comparison for things to suck?
Jennifer: oh, shut yer piehole!

Izzy: "Today's debate: Can WikiPedia be Trusted?"
Jennifer: people who worry about the trustworthiness of wikipedia remind me of a tribe of wild men cautiously approaching a blender or a dehumidifier and jabbing it with a stick, then jumping back in alarm in case it comes to life and devours them
Izzy: "Part of the reason it's not working is that.. is that editors can't keep up with vandalism."

Jennifer: today i saw a license plate that said "1337JED1"
Jennifer: a few houses down, there was a bumper sticker, "Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup."
Jennifer: in retrospect i'm surprised that much text is readable on a bumper sticker

Hawaii: guess what i'm eating
Hawaii: marshmallows!
Hawaii: take that, establishment!
Jennifer: the establishment loves marshmallows and applauds your decision

Jennifer: you should do an adaptation of "my mother the car"
Jennifer: except that the twist is that the car will now be played by a sassy black woman
Jennifer: it won't be a car, either, but just a sassy black woman
Wilson: will the movie be called "my mother the sassy black woman"?
Jennifer: no, it'll keep the original title, but the logo will feature all sorts of tribal kwanzaa type symbols and fonts in bright garish colors

Hawaii: everything is sealed away in the garage
Hawaii: and binded with a magic seal which will not unlock for another 10,000 years
Jennifer: bound
Hawaii: right

Jennifer: it's worth noting that 75% of each sale goes to the pre-schooler who made the original drawing
Wilson: that's a lot
Jennifer: well, i lied
Jennifer: they get nothing

Jennifer: i think fox should cancel things mid-show
Jennifer: a janitor would come out and put out a "caution: wet floor" sign
Jennifer: blocking the camera lens

* politics
Paige: a congressman made that
Jennifer: yes, I'm aware
Paige: to mock dick cheney.........
Jennifer: it's nice to know our elected representatives can use wordart

* pataphor
Jennifer: i may, in the far-flung future of 3878
Susan: that is far-flung
Susan: but we live in the only moderately far flung present
Susan: flung perhaps across the street, but still clearly visible, you just have to yell at some bystander to fling it back and then say "thanks, dude!"
Jennifer: sometimes it lands in crotchety old mcmanus' yard, and then there's NO getting the future back!

* dream
Susan: last night i dreamt that i made a film and got it into widespread distribution
Susan: it was a few minutes of a "south park" episode followed by hours of blackness
Susan: everyone was extremely angry at me for making it
Susan: later on, i was talking to my mom in the car about it, and i said that my film was a statement on the vapid state of hollywood entertainment
Susan: she seemed angered that i'd go to all that trouble just to waste everyone's time
Susan: at the very end of the dream, she asked if i wanted the last 25 cents she had
Susan: i asked "why would i want that"
Susan: and she replied "to buy a saltine cracker"
Susan: i then woke up
Susan: i'm a girl!

* ufo
Noreen: OH FUCK
Noreen: I just got to the part of the mothman prophecies with the sightings of the plane sized birds
Noreen: I totally fucking remember seeing one of those when I was a kid after we moved to montreal

* dream internet
Jennifer: I've only had one dream with the internet in it that I can remember, and it was recently
Jennifer: the internet was an endless plane of hexagonal rooms connected by little hallways, like borges's library of babel
Jennifer: the topics changed subtly as you walked through rooms

* disaster ONN
Jennifer: the ONN newscasters were holding a phone interview with a [] just now
Jennifer: she sounded cheerful and not the least bit fazed
Jennifer: the newscasters tried to rationalize her tone once they were done talking to her, and eventually came to the conclusion that the true depth had yet to sink in

Izzy: "Most vidcons are not a steak or a salad or a bowl of rice. Today they tend to be a full three-course meal, a melange of fun items."
Izzy: this would make a good lyttle lytton entry
Jennifer: is lyttle lytton a competition for the worst possible sentence?
Izzy: yes...

Jennifer: has anyone on record ever died by falling into a volcano?
Hawaii: yes!
Jennifer: who?
Hawaii: j...jeff
Jennifer: that was not convincing in the slightest

* dream
Jennifer: i had a dream about the end of the world
Jennifer: an old friend from japan was visiting
Jennifer: it was a pretty mundane dream for me
Jennifer: we just talked a lot
Jennifer: the only thing was, when i woke up i realized she wasn't a real person, she was osaka from azumanga daioh

Susan: under a branching model of time travel, if you do something, then go back in time to stop yourself from doing it, there are two timelines
Susan: one in which you did it and left, which now contains 0 copies of you, and one in which you showed up and stopped yourself, in which there are 2
Hawaii: right, ok
Hawaii: well, the newer version of me would be wearing goggles
Susan: i like how you think that solves anything.
Hawaii: mussy hair too, but otherwise the same

Susan: look out for my new documentary series
Susan: it's called "wild wild wildlife, with me, Susan"

Izzy: i have to go to my great aunt's to hook up a dvd player today
Izzy: apparently my parents can't deal with hooking the red, yellow, and white plugs into the red, yellow, and white jacks on the tv?
Jennifer: your parents are fools!
Izzy: well, it's really just a thinly-veiled ploy to get me to talk to my great aunt
Hawaii: so she can give you a basket of easter candy?
Izzy: no, so we can exchange awkward pleasantries as i sit around hooking up a dvd player in silence

* TV
Jennifer: a documentary about lowrider cars
Jennifer: there was an oddly great scene just now in which a man silently tried to get his stupid hydraulic lifts jumping as high as they could
Jennifer: the entire chassis was hitting the ground with tremendous force, clingin' and clangin'
Susan: that should be cut together with that pathetic cone-shaped flying machine
Susan: you know the one
Jennifer: yeahhh
Jennifer: it's a bizarre and alien culture that will seem incredibly sad years from now

Hawaii: how fast is it downloading
Hawaii: .2 miles per nothing?
Jennifer: 46kbps
Jennifer: .2 miles per nothing would be... instantanious

* lie
Hawaii: you know, there are three words that rhyme with "orange"!
Jennifer: no
Jennifer: no there are not
Hawaii: yes!
Jennifer: there are no words
Hawaii: one is... "cornge", which is a festive... hybrid... of oranges and corns
Jennifer: ok, that's a lie. Next?
Hawaii: uhhhh...
Hawaii: well
Hawaii: they're secrets!

* lie
Jennifer: there's a cardboard cutout of captain picard at mit
Jennifer: it's the first thing you see when you walk in, often
Jennifer: it's suspended from a moving track on the ceiling, and tours the buildings

* 9/11
Jennifer: when i was at babbage's earlier, i saw a small kid playing flight simulator x on a windows vista kiosk
Jennifer: she started talking to me as i passed by her, so i had no choice but to stand around and watch her and laugh politely at her idle comments
Jennifer: but at one point she ended up flying her plane into a boat, and seemed enamored by it
Jennifer: she claimed that she was going to fly her plane into the twin towers, and began to repeatedly yell that she was responsible for 9/11

Hawaii: have you ever eaten a ramp?
Jennifer: yes
Jennifer: it was made of steel
Jennifer: luckily... so are my teeth...
Jennifer: have you ever eaten a sharpie?
Hawaii: no, they're poison.
Jennifer: then where do you get your daily poison allowance?
Hawaii: poison spikes from under the sink?

Jennifer: who was it who denied that ramps are a food
Jennifer: WAS IT YOU?
Wilson: why on earth would i do that?
Hawaii: because i said they were!
Wilson: well, ok, you ARE wrong, and ramps are not a food.

Jennifer: After the Flood, these kangaroos bred from the Ark passengers migrated to Australia. There is debate whether this migration happened over land[6] with lower sea levels during the post-flood ice age, or before the supercontinent of Pangea broke apart[7], or if they  rafted on mats of vegetation torn up by the receding flood waters.[6] The idea that God simply generated kangaroos into existence there is considered by most creation researchers to be contra-Biblical.
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: i checked uncyclopedia to see if its article on kangaroos was more accurate
Jennifer: it's exactly the same

* star trek
Jennifer: there's literally 726 episodes of voyager
Jennifer: that seems like an absurd amount
Wilson: there are not 726 episodes of voyager
Jennifer: yes there are
Wilson: that would imply that they shot over a hundred episodes each season
Jennifer: they did
Wilson: which is not only absurdly impossible, i.. well, i guess that's all it is

* lie
Jennifer: that's the stanford tree
Jennifer: stanford's official football mascot
Paige: I... don't believe you...
Jennifer: check on wikipedia
Paige: I'm doing that...
Jennifer: and here's the yale toilet
Paige: now I'm completely sure I don't believe you
Paige: ever

* MST3K
Jennifer: we should go to the bar depicted in "nighthawks"
Paige: i never saw nighthawks
Paige: is it an mst3k episode?
Jennifer: it's a PAINTING, you churlish oaf!

Susan: what object casts a square shadow in the most directions?
Hawaii: a light bulb inside of a box!

Hawaii: the sooner everyone dies, the sooner everyone can go home

Hawaii: i'm not very good at a..nunciating?

Hawaii: wouldn't it be better if "eat" was spelled "eet"? hi, i'm hawaii hernández, and enlightenment can soon be yours!

Hawaii: you ate ten monkeys
Jennifer: that is a lie
Hawaii: only two more to go

Alan: i can play "mary had a little lamb" on a touch-tone phone
Alan: it's my only talent

Hawaii: one time i went to space
Hawaii: i took off my helmet and took a breath of fresh space air
Hawaii: nothing bad happened to me, nothing bad at all.

Jennifer: Obviously there are species that are exceptions to this rule, such as humans, giant water bugs, seahorses, and penguins, amongst others.
Jennifer: Guess what the rule was.
Hawaii: all animals can fly
Jennifer: that's a good guess! you get a gold star

Hawaii: i dropped my oatmeal!
Hawaii: it looks like a giraffe threw up all across the floor!
Jennifer: horrible... that's horrible!

Hawaii: the alarm's going to go off and then I'll have to leave
Hawaii: I won't even have time to smell a flower!

Hawaii: why would she hate you?
Hawaii: besides the obvious?

Susan: You are in an empty white void that extends infinitely in all directions.
Jennifer: LET ME OUT

Hawaii: everyone needs a lot more things to do
Hawaii: a lot more
Jennifer: yes
Hawaii: a million, maybe!

Jennifer: remember wolfenstein 3d?
Jennifer: you had to fight your way out of a german prison
Jennifer: using only a hunting knife, your wits, and a gun

Hawaii: everyone fell over!

Jennifer: i just want to sleep...... the siren song of sleep is calling to me.........
Jennifer: it's so hard to stay awake
Hawaii: you should count slowly backwards from 100
Hawaii: and at some point you'll pass out from the anesthetic gas fairy!
Jennifer: i'm trying to stay AWAKE
Hawaii: then count forwards, dummy!

Hawaii: i should do... drugs...
Hawaii: or should i DON'T drugs?
Hawaii: you decide!
Jennifer: do drugs, I guess
Hawaii: you're peer pressuring me!
Jennifer: [unsympathetically] sorry

Hawaii: are you a drakeling?
Hawaii: or are you not a drakeling?
Jennifer: i am..... not a drakeling
Jennifer: except in the state of missouri
Jennifer: for tax reasons
Hawaii: me neither! high five!

Hawaii: this room smells like conspiracies

Jennifer: my mother took a picture of me as a baby wearing a blue thing with a hood
Jennifer: i was sucking my thumb, and one of my eyes is in shadow, from the hood
Jennifer: the other eye is staring directly into the camera
Jennifer: it's the best picture of me
Jennifer: staring straight into your soul

Hawaii: i can't draw, though
Hawaii: the b... mouse is br...
Hawaii: broken
Hawaii: there's all sorts of steam spewing out.. of stuff...
Hawaii: and things making weird noises, like, r, r, rrrrrr, like a car

Jennifer: XXXXX's moving from florida, near the coast, to florida, near the river
Jennifer: she will drown.
Hawaii: well, maybe they have a bomb shelter
Hawaii: they could hide out in it for a while.. until something happens
Hawaii: like a shark, or the call of a humpback whale

Hawaii: you know what was the best flash game?
Hawaii: the platypus one

Hawaii: how about iridescent macaroni filling
Noreen: iridescent would work for sweet things, but not macaroni..
Hawaii: what if it had a velvety texture
Hawaii: like a retina
Noreen: i will never eat again.

Hawaii: i know the prime minister's name! it's gordon uh . .  blairet!
Jennifer: gordon blairet
Hawaii: yes!

Hawaii: i can't think of many good movies
Jennifer: well, name the ones you can think of
Jennifer: come on, chop chop!
Hawaii: cube
Hawaii: honey i shrunk the kids
Hawaii: etc.
Jennifer: no etc.s!
Hawaii: honey i blew up the kid

Hawaii: oh, also, parmeson cheese
Hawaii: you can put that on cereal
Jennifer: that... that... what......

Hawaii: what's a "gibbon"?
Hawaii: and are they in harry potter?
Client: it's a type of monkey, and no

Hawaii: the zerg had......
Hawaii: you know..... goo..........
Hawaii: gooey stuff
Jennifer: they had plenty of goo...
Hawaii: also the pecking terrain
Jennifer: pecking?
Hawaii: well, spikes would come out of it

Hawaii: i'll go deposit this check
Hawaii: into a big frog
Hawaii: i'll just hold out the check, and ZZZZZZWAP
Hawaii: the frog's tongue will shoot out and grab it!

Hawaii: remember mindhead?
Jennifer: yeah
Jennifer: let's work there
Hawaii: no, she was a person
Hawaii: like jughead
Jennifer: liar!
Hawaii: in fact, i am mindhead!

Hawaii: we have seasons
Hawaii: falling season and up season!

Hawaii: i can't eat that
Hawaii: why not?
Hawaii: because it's not food
Hawaii: but it's food.gif
Hawaii: yes but it's not edible
Hawaii: you cannot eat the food.gif
Hawaii: ok sorry
Hawaii: ok

Hawaii: maybe fozzie the bear named it in a fit of creative juices!

Hawaii: i thought of a prank
Hawaii: but it needs two people for it!
Hawaii: one person calls you on your phone and says "don't turn around!" and the other person stands right behind you
Jennifer: is one of those people a corpse
Hawaii: it could be!
Hawaii: the second person, that is
Hawaii: if the first person is, it doesn't work

Jennifer: blarf sales have increased tenfold in light of recent economic woes
Hawaii: what were they at before?
Jennifer: blarfcon 5

Hawaii: does being one atom big count
Jennifer: as what
Hawaii: c..carbon
Jennifer: if it's a carbon atom...
Jennifer: then yes, it counts as carbon
Jennifer: otherwise, no
Hawaii: hmm, i see

Hawaii: i'm getting a good computer soon!
Hawaii: are you excited?
Jennifer: no!
Hawaii: well, why not?
Jennifer: why would i be
Hawaii: because we are the same
Jennifer: how are we the same?
Hawaii: our minds are one
Hawaii: my thoughts.. to your thoughts....... etc.....

Hawaii: i need... i ... i ...
Hawaii: i need that tuna!

Jennifer: let's make a new owl
Hawaii: ok
Jennifer: he will be the "oh yeah? interesting" owl
Hawaii: it will be called the peppermint owl
Hawaii: oh
Hawaii: you mean a new internet owl

Hawaii: you must have done it in your sleep
Jennifer: where did i put it?
Hawaii: you... eated it...?

Hawaii: i follow you around to give out advice!
Hawaii: PRESS B TO INTERACT!
Hawaii: HOLD Y TO RUN

Hawaii: how about a stick?
Hawaii: with a leaf on the end?

Hawaii: chemical... uh... i don't know, 1?
Jennifer: yes
Jennifer: chemical 1

Hawaii: can i be a jew?
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: >:(
Jennifer: you can't just become a jew
Jennifer: you have to be decended directly from jesus christ

Jennifer: the compliment system destroys enemy cells by inflating them until they burst
Jennifer: like the dig dug mole

Hawaii: What are white things? Onions?
Jennifer: yes
Jennifer: all white things are onions

Hawaii: hi

Hawaii: you see, ravioli are actually giant while blood cells... but not from a human...
Hawaii: from the magic three headed dragon that rules time and space!

Hawaii: to a morer extent, more like!
Jennifer: "morer" is the most mutilated malapropism you've ever come up with
Jennifer: what does it mean? More MORE?

Hawaii: it's almost time for halloween
Jennifer: you mean my birthday
Jennifer: and that isn't for over two months
Hawaii: your birthday IS halloween
Jennifer: no
Hawaii: because you're so.... you're such a ghoul.......
Jennifer: XXXXX's birthday is closer to halloween than mine is
Hawaii: you're a spook
Jennifer: that is grossly offensive! go to your time out corner
Hawaii: your head is a pumpkin, it has a nozzle, uhh........ you live in a grave..............

Susan: you know, we always pronounce dates "nineteen ninety one"
Susan: if they were just numbers, we'd say "one thousand nine hundred ninety one"
Hawaii: if they were letters would we say aybeeseedearumf?

Jennifer: quick, name as many two dimensional shapes as you can!
Hawaii: square, rectangle
Hawaii: polyhedron
Hawaii: square, circle
Hawaii: semicolon
Hawaii: pyramid
Hawaii: rectangle
Hawaii: optometrist
Hawaii: handle
Hawaii: words

Hawaii: why does receptive anal sex carry the most risk of HIV?
Wilson: because of bleeding?
Hawaii: oh, right
Wilson: why would you ask me that?

Jennifer: maybe AIM is installed now anyway
Jennifer: and works perfectly
Jennifer: and even makes the rest of the computer work better
Hawaii: and sparkles
Jennifer: yes

Hawaii: want to hear some facts about the moon?
Susan: ok
Hawaii: 1) it is grey
Hawaii: 2) it is big
Hawaii: 3) it lives in the sky
Hawaii: 4) you can breathe on it
Hawaii: 5) we will all live there one day: june 5th, 2009!
Hawaii: those are the top five facts about the moon, in chronological order
Susan: facts don't have temporal properties.

Jennifer: they'd just go ahead and pirate the movie as soon as it was released
Jennifer: and then where would hollywood be!
Hawaii: california!

Hawaii: party with the burger king! what's the matter! don't want to PARTY WITH THE KING? THE BURGER KING?
Hawaii: the queen will be there!

Hawaii: look, his head fell off
Hawaii: revealing his second onion layer!

Jennifer: remember hatten ar din?
Alan: I'm not even sure if if I know about it to begin with.
Jennifer: how about monsquaz?
Alan: Literally cannot tell if you're just making words up.

Hawaii: remember the site that had pictures of different animals yawning?
Jennifer: No
Hawaii: it turns out that cats yawn the most, and have the funniest yawns!
Jennifer: i hate this conversation

Hawaii: i wonder what the best font is
Susan: Papyroid.
Susan: It's an 8-bit version of papyrus.

Jennifer: I'm not actually too keen on stabbing, but I do often fantasize about having the ability to make heads explode.
Jennifer: I wonder how long it would take for people to figure that I was the common element in all the head explosions.
Jennifer: Not that it would matter, because if any people figured it out, I'd explode their fucking heads!
Alan: i guess there'd have to be a mysterious headless detective to get you.
Jennifer: Yes! My nemesis would be that guy from Decap-attack.

* phone
Jennifer: Hawaii, explode his head.
Hawaii: i need to explode your head, wilson
Hawaii: please hold still
Hawaii: if possible, darken the room and stare at a fixed point light source ten feet away

Hawaii: try and get abducted by aliens
Susan: i live in the city, they don't come here much
Hawaii: i bet their saucer technology is really simple
Hawaii: i bet it fires some crazy sorta thing, and it's all like zoom!
Hawaii: just like that

Hawaii: that's dilbert!
Hawaii: pointy little tie
Hawaii: pointed toward the heavens
Hawaii: symbolizing his saintliness

Jennifer: what's like a slug, but smaller?
Hawaii: a smaller species of slug
Jennifer: what if it already IS the smallest species of slug?
Hawaii: there is always a smaller one
Hawaii: you just don't even know where to look!

* xmas
Hawaii: hi
Hawaii: dashing through the snoooooow
Hawaii: eating bales of haaaaay
Hawaii: oh the wonders we'll knoooooow
Hawaii: when we're eating hay

Hawaii: avoid the noid!
Hawaii: he'll touch your dick!
Jennifer: what the hell is that supposed to mean?
Hawaii: i don't know
Hawaii: i saw it written on a wall

Susan: no process can decrease entropy
Hawaii: what about...
Hawaii: sitting very still?

Jennifer: twitter informs me that scientists in gibraltar have discovered an immortal jellyfish
Hawaii: how did they know it's immortal?
Hawaii: did they shoot it and the bullets went KOW-PING?

Hawaii: triangles are delicious, but they're terrible for you... ohhh, they're SINFUL!

Jennifer: where's your panel, you bum?
Hawaii: ffffffff...... wonderland..... it got flushed down the toilet

Hawaii: out of all of my friends, you're wilson

Hawaii: how many megabytes does a honey-glazed ham take?

Hawaii: because the human world is scary, and doesn't have padded corners on cupboards

Hawaii: you just fold over the pizza
Hawaii: and in the middle, put nuts and gummy worms
Hawaii: and mayonnaise

Hawaii: 2x=3
Hawaii: solve for x
Hawaii: you can't
Hawaii: hee hee hee!
Jennifer: 1.5
Hawaii: ......!

Susan: How long is a piece of string?
Hawaii: a line is neverending
Hawaii: the only limit is your imagination and the plane you're on

Hawaii: how much would you say i'm worth? in terms of gold coins, picketed from the pockets of little green irish angrymen?

Jennifer: i think it's time for you to give me a dollar
Jennifer: as a sign of good friendship
Izzy: that seems like a waste of time and a dollar
Jennifer: i'm sorry you feel that way about me...
Izzy: look, don't take it personally
Izzy: or, wait, do, i guess, if you want
Jennifer: just for that, the number has increased to two dollars

Hawaii: i love cats!
Hawaii: i love dogs!
Hawaii: I LOVE parrots!
Hawaii: am i crazy?

Hawaii: wouldn't the world be better if we had evolved from lyrebirds?
Jennifer: No.
Hawaii: but think about all the sounds we would have!

Jennifer: i'm hungry
Hawaii: i had cereal
Jennifer: i was going to have that
Jennifer: i WILL have that
Hawaii: you're copying me
Hawaii: sigh
Hawaii: [shakes head]

Hawaii: we should make another lil house
Jennifer: we made a lil house?
Hawaii: yeah, you're gonna put stuff in it
Jennifer: I see
Jennifer: I think it's worth noting at this point that I still have no idea what you're talking about.
Hawaii: you're being in denial

Hawaii: i'm going to send you a box
Hawaii: in that box will be a can of squirt
Hawaii: you will... drink this can

This is a funny movie., June 19, 1999
Reviewer: A viewer
This is a very good comedy movie. Elizibith had a child hood imaginary friend named Droped Dead Fred and when she gets a divorce she is not happy so he gets stuck back with her until she's happy. This is a funny movie with a lot of comedy 5 thumbs up says sikel enebert!

Hawaii: hello susan!
Susan: Hi
Hawaii: how is life as a susan?
Susan: it's really easy
Susan: because no one knows what they even want from me
Hawaii: that's sounds nice
Hawaii: goodbye!

Jennifer: i hate it!
Hawaii: i hate you!
Jennifer: that's not true, you made that macaroni picture for me!
Hawaii: it was a macaroni picture of how much i hate you!
Jennifer: hmm, now that i look at it again...
Jennifer: still, the macaroni craftsmanship really takes the sting off of it...

Hawaii: even if i open up the settings window and go back there it says JPEG!
Hawaii: junior pornography experts group!!!

Hawaii: or IS it? Answer now and get a FREE laptop!
Jennifer: it is! give me the laptop!

* anthem
Hawaii: it's time to sing the national anthem
Hawaii: GO!
Jennifer: can't, killing terrorists...
Jennifer: or, wait, WE'RE the terrorists
Hawaii: how about the canadian anthem?
Hawaii: can you do that for me?
Jennifer: ohhhhhh can, dia, countrey of i am from, the blah, and the tcaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

* anthem
Izzy: i don't know the canadian anthem
Izzy: i could just make something up about beavers and mooses and mounted police
Izzy: well, probably i couldn't...
Hawaii: give it a try!
Izzy: oohhhh say can you seee
Izzy: by the maple tree over there
Izzy: that mounnntiee is a fun guyyyy
Izzy: i met him at the hockey gaaaame
Izzy: no, no, no, this isn't working at all

Hawaii: in four dimensions you can't tie strings together.
Hawaii: your shoelaces would fall out of your shoes.
Jennifer: i did it in the first dimension, the second dimension, AND the third dimension! and i'll be DAMNED if a little awful shithead named the FOURTH dimension is going to stop me from doing it!

Hawaii: i was imagining a world with 1.05 time dimensions today...
Jennifer: yeah, you would
Jennifer: that was harsh, sorry
Jennifer: wait, no it wasn't

Hawaii: i love it when people fall down. Haha!

Hawaii: i should go to your house in a bunny suit and enter without knocking and dance around and break stuff and run away

Hawaii: Men are from mars, and women are from mars, and venus from venus, and venus and mars.

Hawaii: I'm going to instant message you, instantly. It's going to be an instant message.

Jennifer: maybe shirley temple played yog sothoth in a movie one time
Wilson: that seems very unlikely

Hawaii: the problem with static spires is... they just fold upward and disappear

Hawaii: you have an otter morph, right?
Hawaii: you're going to need it!
Jennifer: how many cinnabons has ax stolen this time...?

* lie
Jennifer: the space shuttle is just a regular airplane with rocket booster cups glued on
Jennifer: it doesn't really go to space, it's just pretend!
Jennifer: everybody knows except kids

Jennifer: how did i get so amazing?
Jennifer: science may never know...
Hawaii: you cheated, that's how!
Jennifer: i had every right to cheat!

Jennifer: once on tv there was a channel that was just a big pile of pre-sliced ham, cooking.
Jennifer: for hours
Jennifer: i called it the ham cooking channel
Jennifer: then I realized I was outside

Hawaii: hmmmmm, they have the internet on COMPUTERS now!

Hawaii: welcome to the internet!
Jennifer: POPULATION: YOUR MIND

Hawaii: i slept until exclamation point o'clock.

Jennifer: that's neil gaiman
Noreen: is that Neil Gaiman?
Jennifer: yes

Jennifer: i would have said all these things to YOU, but you were GONE
Jennifer: so i said them to wilson! MY NEW BEST FRIEND
Hawaii: can wilson do THIS?
[waves her arms around going "blammo presto!" occasionally]

Hawaii: let's go on a road trip of the mind
Jennifer: that's what every destitute father should say when asked by his children if they'll get to go on a road trip that summer
Jennifer: then he'll just bring out a parcheesi board or something similarly boring

Hawaii: you are pancake
Jennifer: YOU'RE pancake!
Hawaii: you're a nut!
Hawaii: you're crazy in the COCONUT!

Izzy: today, on metafilter: an 87 comment thread on the correct usage of "begging the question"
Jennifer: is this truly the "best of the web"?
Izzy: 35 of the comments say that, and nothing more

Jennifer: who's purple and orange?
Hawaii: mary and margaret!
Jennifer: you just made them up!
Hawaii: so?

Hawaii: sounds like santa!
Hawaii: and the name he went crazy day night night!
Jennifer: that last thing you said wasn't really a sentence

* lie
Hawaii: i saw you wearing a "for better or for worse dog" t-shirt once
Hawaii: it said "humprey the for bettwer of ror wos dog" on it
Jennifer: that's an obvious lie in a staggering variety of ways!

Jennifer: WOOOOO!
Hawaii: that's the sound a train makes, Jennifer

Jennifer: that's no good
Hawaii: that's nooooooooooooo good
Jennifer: that's nooooooooooo .. it's not good!

Jennifer: i wonder how long it'll be until another light burns out
Hawaii: 111... minotes

Jennifer: you sent me a folder called egg
Jennifer: inside the only item is another folder, called waaaaa

Jennifer: GO, GO! DO NOT LOOK BACK, JUST GO!
Hawaii: i'm eating hot pockets
Hawaii: don't rush me

Jennifer: technodes isn't even a word!
Hawaii: sure it is!
Hawaii: if geekanerd is a word, then technodes can be.. a word!

Jennifer: i. iiiiiiii.......... barf... i barrrrf... i bb... biiiiii... ii.... I'M SO TIRED

Jennifer: my barfing has a first name, it's B-A-R-F-I-n-g! my barfing has a second name, it's M-A-Y-E-BAAAAAAAARF!

Jennifer: YOU WILL NEVER FIND HAPPINESS! EVER!

* drinking
Jennifer: Miller High Life is great if you want a beer that just spills all over the goddamn place when you open it
Jennifer: it's what i personally look for in a beer

* TV scrubs
Jennifer: The series finale of Scrubs should be Dr. Cox standing in front of Dr. Dorian, teasing him with a single, incredibly elaborate 22-minute-long joke
Jennifer: At the end, a huge bulldozer runs over the entire hospital

Jennifer: there's a BUG IN HERE
Jennifer: AND HE JUST FELW INT IGNREOWT OMY HM FACE

Jennifer: well, your murder is scheduled for the second quarter
Jennifer: i've subcontracted the digging of your grave out to two adorable moppets

Jennifer: i have completely stopped buying CDs
Jennifer: my theory is: why the hell would i! EVER!

Jennifer: WHEN YOU PIRATE MOVIES, YOU LEAVE A TRAIL.
Jennifer: A TRAIL OF CRIME AND PIXIE DUST AND LEPRECHAUN GOLD, AND TINY LITTLE PITCHFORKS TO BE PICKED UP BY A DEMON CLEANING CREW AND RECYCLED FOR USE IN HELL!!!!!

Jennifer: jesus god! REALMEDIA is going to trace me for that download attempt! THEY'RE GOING TO TRACE IT AND KILL ME
Jennifer: THEY'LL COME TO MY HOUSE AND MY ONLY CHANCE FOR ESCAPE WILL BE THEIR BUFFER ZONE

Jennifer: shut up-a your face
Jennifer: i'm HEY MAGIC EYE

Jennifer: i'm going to bed, and when i wake up, i will kill you
Hawaii: ok
Jennifer: i will do it by putting a time bomb balanced on top of a duck's head, and having the duck walk in one direction until it reaches your house

Jennifer: you're gonna die, hawaii
Jennifer: the darkness is creeping in!

Jennifer: i want to go travelling
Jennifer: i've decided if i go anywhere i'm going to tour europe
Wilson: you should go to flint michigan again
Jennifer: netherlands, germany, france, NO

Izzy: shit, what's my problem
Jennifer: i don't know, too many pies?
Jennifer: fatty?
Izzy: no!

Jennifer: there are actually quite a LOT
Jennifer: of
Jennifer: holy
Jennifer: my left ear just stopped working

Jennifer: WEEEEEELLLLY WELLY WELLY BEEF WELLINGTONS

Jennifer: you MUST PURSUE YOUR DREAMS
Jennifer: if you don't, then your HEAD WILL GET CUT OFF BY A GIANT DEADLY MANTIS!
Jennifer: his name will be steve bugs!
Jennifer: and thus, this has been another great edition of me twisting around simpsons characters' words and jokes until they're completely unrecognizable

Jennifer: here's my new idea for a tv series
Jennifer: it's called "scamps," and it's about a bunch of talking babies who eat food messily and say stupid things and go on all sorts of wacky, unlikely adventures

Noreen: i hate you
Jennifer: you love me! everyone loves me!

Kaylee: and it's done in a shitty anime style where everyone looks exactly the goddamn same
Kaylee: except for the folks with stupid hair

Jennifer: there was a huge moth on my window last night
Jennifer: like, four or five inches long... or whatever... i'm not a measuring stick!!!!!
Hawaii: i am... a measuring stick
Hawaii: they call me the human measuring stick!
Jennifer: you're not human, you're just a measuring stick with googly eyes glued onto it!

Jennifer: i don't think much of this lasagna
Jennifer: i'm throwin' it out!
Jennifer: OUT THE WINDOW
Jennifer: it lands on someone's windshield! SCREEEEEEE! CRASH! BOOM!
Jennifer: not a jury in the world that would convict me

Jennifer: half-life 2 was a really boring game, you know
Jennifer: it was also terribly ugly
Jennifer: you can't say this around people, though, or they'll tell you to eat a bucket of dicks

Hawaii: we should paint the car yellow so no one will know what color it is
Hawaii: then paint half of it red and half of it purple
Jennifer: that's too many halves! far too many halves!

Jennifer: "Fantastic Four" is on
Jennifer: they should've called it Fantastic BORE
Jennifer: Fantastic MORE? no, no more! of THIS bore

Jennifer: if i was a serial killer, right before i'd kill people i'd ask them if they were scared and then tell them they were on scare tactics and smile and lower my weapon, and i'd point out where the cameras were and ask if they wanted a glass of water
Jennifer: and then once they calmed down i'd say "just kidding!" and murder them

Hawaii: your head roll off, roll under a table
Hawaii: never to be found again

* goat
Hawaii: A mountain goat attempts to scale a cliff sixty feet high. Every minute, the goat bounds upward three feet but slips back two. How long does it take for the goat to reach the top?
Jennifer: it gives up after the fifth try and takes the goatline
Hawaii: how long does that take?
Jennifer: approximately fifteen minutes
Hawaii: [writes it down]

Alan: did you watch crouching gladstone hidden whatguy?
Jennifer: oh, no
Jennifer: let's do that..
Jennifer: a jackass parody
Jennifer: this is off to an awful start...

Jennifer: i was in an office building, shooting people at random
Jennifer: i could see their souls, they were like presliced loaves of bread
Jennifer: every time i shot them, a different slice would pop up, representing one of their repressed desires
Jennifer: eventually i ran out of bullets, and killed the last guy with a pair of scissors
Jennifer: he put up a pretty good fight

Jennifer: let's have breakfast
Hawaii: i want an icee
Jennifer: THAT IS NOT BREOR EKAFKATKSKAG RKEOK RHA YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM AND GET SHOT IN THE FACE!

Clone-sister: yesterday the lunch lady got really annoyed with me when i was lining up to get food
Clone-sister: she kept mumbling and motioning to the lunch station behind me, and had to repeat herself about 78 times
Clone-sister: until eventually she just yelled "TRAYS"
Jennifer: didn't you have a tray?
Jennifer: were you expecting her to ladle gravy into your outstretched paws?

Jennifer: remember paige?
Kaylee: yes
Kaylee: unfortunately i do
Jennifer: it turns out that she's incredibly annoying

Jennifer: i'd like to see a disney sports movie that ends 4/5ths of the way through with gray goo destroying the earth, completely out of nowhere
Jennifer: then, a 20-minute continuous track out into space away from the earth, accompanied by complete silence
Jennifer: then ordinary credits, with smash mouth's "all star" playing over them
Wilson: no, "all star" wouldn't work
Wilson: the new disney sports movies are all set in the 70s and Inspired by a True Story, so it'd have to be something periodic

Izzy: 1063: King Béla I of Hungary died when his tall wooden throne collapsed due to sabotage.
Jennifer: it wouldn't take a lot to sabotage a WOODEN THRONE
Jennifer: i like to imagine it was like a lifeguard's tower
Jennifer: and that he just surveyed all of hungary from up there, blowing his whistle when he saw someone behaving badly

* park
Jennifer: let's dress as indians and hide
Jennifer: waiting around for someone to litter
Jennifer: when they do, we pop up and shed a single tear each

Jennifer: i bet when bill gates is stuck for a moneymaking scheme, he just pounds senselessly on his keyboard
Jennifer: activating all sorts of security lasers and robots
Jennifer: the screams of butlers and maids can be heard from distant corners of his mansion

* food
Jennifer: you gotta act quick when the onions start blooming
Jennifer: the deep fry season doesn't last long

Jennifer: well, they discovered the cause of aids
Hawaii: is it the human imunodeficiency virus?
Jennifer: no, it's the tsetse fly
Jennifer: they're considering renaming it the "aidsmobile", since that's all it seems to be good for

Hawaii: imagine a line of daggers going from my eye to you
Jennifer: imagine a line of HAM going from your eye to your brain!

Jennifer: i should make a movie about YOU
Jennifer: it will be called
Jennifer: "THE MAN WHO STOOD ON THE SHOULDERS OF GIANTS BUT THEN fell off and fell into a puddle and got all wet from mud"
Wilson: i'm not sure i follow the metaphor
Jennifer: it's a metaphor for you crying in the mud like a little whiny baby!

* SAM pool
Jennifer: god, they're SCREAMING
Jennifer: maybe one of them slipped and fell on the poolside
Jennifer: i imagine the water has begun to turn blood red as everyone screams and tries to scramble out of the pool
Jennifer: will no one help our poor concussion boy?
Jennifer: no, these idiotic self-serving yuppies are too worried about not getting any blood on their precious selves

* TV film
Jennifer: hey, [] finished downloading
Jennifer: i guess i'lllll
Jennifer: extract it
Jennifer: and watch it
Jennifer: and vomit

Jennifer: you're too fat!
Jennifer: they did a study on you, in the wild
Jennifer: they called it "the hawaii report"
Jennifer: their conclusion?
Jennifer: less pies, more discipline!

Jennifer: remember when the muppets took over manhattan?
Jennifer: they just stormed the entire city, razing buildings left and right
Jennifer: and eventually they installed a new terrible communist dictatorship that lasted for DECADES?
Alan: that clearly never happened
Jennifer: of course it did! ...in my noodle!

Jennifer: I'M a hero
Jennifer: why don't I get a holiday?
Noreen: you know, you're really NOT a hero
Jennifer: of course i am!
Jennifer: remember all those people i murdered -- in cold blood?

Jennifer: when i was little, me and my sister came up with a hilarious candid camera gag where we'd go up to someone and pretend to barf on them
Jennifer: there was no camera, though.

Jennifer: you should make a movie about an adorable talking piece of grit
Jennifer: who overcomes various adversity to become one of the treasured few who can be a pearl
Jennifer: at the end, he jumps into the gaping maw of a nearby... clam or oyster or whatever
Jennifer: only it turns out to be a giant fish
Jennifer: made of dynamite

Jennifer: let's come up with a new method of punching people in the face and guts
Hawaii: ok
Hawaii: a trick paper towel maker in bathrooms
Hawaii: they try to take the paper towel, and a boxing glove comes out.

Alan: everyone on home movies basically wears a bodysuit
Jennifer: yeah
Jennifer: it's odd and creepy. quit it!
Jennifer: quit it, home movies!
Jennifer: i don't mind, really

Jennifer: maybe you should become a fat chef
Jennifer: you're already halfway there
Alan: what would I cook?
Jennifer: uhhhhh
Jennifer: bbbbbbb...abies?

Jennifer: iiiii... i so solly.

Hawaii: All your friends will want to play too!!!!
Jennifer: NO! GOD! NOOOOOOOO!
---
Jennifer: for some reason i thought she said ALL YOUR FRIENDS WILL WANT TO SHOOT YOU TOO!!!!

Jennifer: there is a japanese game where you try to poke people in their asses, though
Jennifer: apparently it stems from a popular japanese children's activity
Jennifer: no lie!
Jennifer: they call it "japanese ass poking"
Jennifer: wait, no, that part was a lie

Jennifer: you will be the terrorstock of the ENTIRE VILLAGE COMMUNITY!
Jennifer: women will hit you with their bags!
Jennifer: the bags containing the heads of their dead husbands

Hawaii: on the moon, people sit down much less often!
Hawaii: because standing is such a breeze!
Jennifer: i doubt that very much!
Hawaii: buzz aldrin says he could've slept standing up if he wanted to!
Jennifer: buzz aldrin was incontinent! he HAD to sleep standing up! in front of the TOILET!

Jennifer: i can't wait until they have eyeball monocles in the future
Jennifer: mine will be made from YOUR eye!
Jennifer: a small token to remember you by, AFTER YOU'RE DEAD AND BURIED!
Jennifer: i can't open this box of peanut butter crunch
Jennifer: it's too hard

* PPC comic
Susan: have you been following my comic?
Jennifer: no
Susan:  this is what's currently happening
Jennifer: that looks horrifying
Jennifer: which is to say that it IS HORRIFYING

* 9/11 star_trek lie
Jennifer: i'll have you know the kool-aid man did 9/11
Jennifer: he's part of red squad
Jennifer: you can tell..... he's red!
Jennifer: "OH YEAH!" he screamed, as he burst through the central load-bearing wall of building 7

* lie
Jennifer: breaking news at this hour!
Jennifer: david bowie has been shot.
Jennifer: in the arse.
Jennifer: ...with low prices!

Jennifer: it's not like kids learn anything at any point until they get to middle school or so
Hawaii: what do you learn in middle school?
Jennifer: how to hate everything and everyone!

Izzy: you know what's weird? that everyone liked mulholland drive
Jennifer: i threw up!
Izzy: just now?
Jennifer: no, when i watched it
Jennifer: my puke was bright orange

Jennifer: i'm back, baby
Hawaii: wasting time, wasting time, da da da
Jennifer: [LOUD INSTRUCTION]
Hawaii: that's a bigger waste of time!
Jennifer: you'll learn valuble job skills
Jennifer: like doing what you're told!!!1

Jennifer: ready to puke ?
Izzy: no...
Hawaii: i am!
Jennifer: and that's why you'll never succeed here at don'tbarfco!

Jennifer: you fell into a pit
Jennifer: a very large pit
Jennifer: and now you are dead
Jennifer: you are now dead!

Jennifer: i'm going to need you to press these blocks of clay on the sides of your head
Jennifer: so we can make molds from them to cast the styrofoam bits we'll be using
Jennifer: to ship your head with
Jennifer: we wouldn't want your head to be damaged during its long journey, now would we...

Jennifer: i remember waiting for godot
Jennifer: they waited so long that their heads just fell right off of their necks
Jennifer: it was the most startling effect ever seen in a play at the time
Jennifer: it wasn't an effect, though, they just used thin piano wire to slice the actors' heads off during each performance

Izzy: i'm playing a video game
Jennifer: i'm playing the xylophone
Jennifer: it's made of your skulls, collected via time travel from every year of your life
Jennifer: let me tell you, the rendering plant gives you a funny look when you dump out a burlap sack containing a few dozen virtually identical human heads...

Jennifer: whenever my friend started talking about the yu-gi-oh show, i'd yell "IT'S TIME TO D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-"
Jennifer: and continue to stutter endlessly for several seconds

Jennifer: i went there.. and i took us into the fatty negaverse

Jennifer: I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL
Paige: SWALLOW your soul
Jennifer: eating implies swallowing
Paige: yeah, but the quote is swallow, not eat
Jennifer: not when i'm quoting aphex twin's "come to daddy"

* games
Jennifer: mario will never fly.
Hawaii: he can fly with the cape
Hawaii: he can fly with the tanuki tail
Hawaii: and he can fly with the princess power
Hawaii: and he can turn into stone with the tanuki suit!

Jennifer: you should make a movie about a family of sea lions who think they're lemmings
Jennifer: so it's a rite of passage to heave themselves off of a tall building
Jennifer: but the littlest sea lion doesn't want to, so the other sea lions have to show him the magic of the cycle of life and all that
Jennifer: so eventually he caves in, buckles under pressure, and heaves himself off of a building with the rest of his family
Jennifer: and they all explode, taking out hundreds of other passersby with them
Susan: lemmings don't actually jump off of cliffs, you know
Susan: it's a misconception popularized by a 1958 disney documentary that faked the footage by launching lemmings off a cliff with a turntable

* school
Jennifer: iiiiii remember writing a poem in the sixth grade about a carton of milk or something
Jennifer: the teacher circled the word "vat" in my poem and wrote "WHAT IS THIS? THIS IS NOT A WORD"

Jennifer: god, why do they even ALLOW you to uninstall important drivers!
Jennifer: they shouldn't GIVE ME THE CHOICE of being able to UNINSTALL MY PROCESSOR DRIVER
Susan: it should be a key between ctrl and shift that just has a frowny face on it

Jennifer: let's go work at pixar
Jennifer: i'll write a new movie for them
Jennifer: about...
Jennifer: a fish...
Jennifer: no, two fish...
Jennifer: man, this is tough.

Jennifer: i had some EMERIL DELI MUSTARD recently
Jennifer: it tasted like five eggs with every bite
Jennifer: it was absolutely disgusting

Jennifer: yesterday i was watching "emeril" right before i went to bed, and he was making some delicious looking tomato soup
Jennifer: and i was thinking about how much i'd love to have my own personal chef, but then i realized that i'd probably have to PAY him
Jennifer: so i figured it'd be a lot easier to cut off emeril's legs and make him be my personal chef
Jennifer: i laughed at that thought until i realized that i probably shouldn't have been
Wilson: i should send this footage to emeril
Jennifer: he'll probably love it so much that he'll come to my house and say "BAM" while punching me in the face and stomach

Jennifer: everyone on every message board is saying "DUHHHHH DON'T CLIK ON AIM LINKS K?!?! BCUZ I MITE GIVE U VIRUS"
Noreen: what message boards do you read
Noreen: hate everything monthly?
Jennifer: AIM VIRUSES QUARTERLY, for one!
Jennifer: hm
Jennifer: both of our fake message boards had titles more appropriate to periodicals than message boards

Hawaii: people stare at me
Hawaii: my mother asked my sister "why do people stare at hawaii?"
Jennifer: eventually they'll start attacking you
Hawaii: will i have to fight them with a stick?
Jennifer: no, you'll just accept death like a trooper

Jennifer: sometimes i think that the MPAA is just harvesting a list of all the movies i've pirated over the past year
Jennifer: and eventually they'll hit me with the biggest lawsuit in the history of mankind
Jennifer: even bigger than "columbus v. flatworld/indians"

* dream
Jennifer: all dreams are horribly boring
Jennifer: that's why they're called DREAMS
Jennifer: it's the latin root meaning "what is this bullshit! get it out of here!"

Jennifer: remember that big fat hen i employed as an independent contractor?
Jennifer: truly the worst decision i ever made

* film pizza
Jennifer: guess i'll order a pizza!
Jennifer: I DEMAND YOU REIMBURSE ME FOR THIS ACTION
Jennifer: OHHHHH MYYYYY GGGGGOOOOODDDDDDDD
Jennifer: "DROP DEAD FRED" IS INCLUDED ON DVD WITH EVERY PIZZA ORDER
Jennifer: I CANNOT EVER ORDER PIZZA EVER AGAIN

* goat pizza
Jennifer: hmm, wait
Jennifer: maybe i'll just order a pizza
Jennifer: jennifer sterbenskrank, you wise old.. billy goat..

Hawaii: it tells you who put your pizza in the oven!
Jennifer: i wonder how hard it would be for them to imitate their coworkers
Jennifer: one could theoretically get away with anything...
Jennifer: even pizza murder!
Jennifer: Tolana put cyanide on your pizza at 3:17 PM

Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: i get a free cinnaswirl sweetreat with my order
Jennifer: excellent!

Hawaii: you are sitting there thinking your thoughts
Hawaii: they are not about what is but what is not
Jennifer: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Jennifer: GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!!!!

Jennifer: you have RAVIOLI
Jennifer: TONS OF IT
Jennifer: AND IT'S GOING TO KILL YOU
Jennifer: you're going to go to the doctor and he's going to say "YEP, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE."
Jennifer: "DIABETES, RAVIOLI POWDER INVADING YOUR BLOODSTREAM... SUCK AN EGG, WILSON EGGERMANN!"

Jennifer: what is this CRAP i see before me!
Jennifer: what is this crap that has entered my kingdom
Jennifer: and sullied my golden gumdrop lanes of yellow parsley snip laneroads

Hawaii: what if you got up one night and found out that the rest of your house was a cave?
Hawaii: with paper mache with sparkles on it and flat floors?
Jennifer: i'd figure that you were the one behind the remodeling and i'd go seek you out
Jennifer: and i'd see you sitting there, spackling the walls and painting them grayish brown
Jennifer: and i'd throttle you until your head falls off your neck
Jennifer: and then eat the delicious candies inside your pinata brain!

Jennifer: welcome to dilbert
Jennifer: the hilarious new comedy in which everyone is dilbert -- even you!
Jennifer: a terrible nightmare vision torn from the bowels of scott adams' legal department
Jennifer: "WELCOME TO LAWSUIT HELL, ASSHOLE!" raves scott adams

Jennifer: you know that dumb "zodiac killer" who murdered people for 25 years and had a constant correspondance with a san francisco newspaper, sending them bits and pieces of people he killed, and also, remember how he was never caught?
Alan: yeah
Jennifer: how could they possibly not catch him after all of that?
Jennifer: man, that guy must have the best life ever
Jennifer: i mean... relatively, you know

Jennifer: you've really hit the rock bottom! the pits! the bottom of the barrel! you're a fish without legs heading uphill on a stormy afternoon!

Hawaii: did you listen to the new they might be giants CD?
Hawaii: it's all about SCIENCE
Jennifer: NO
Hawaii: it's good! it has SCIENCE in it!!!!
Hawaii: SCIENCE SCIENCE SCIENCE SCIENCE!!!!
Hawaii: SCIENCE, JENNIFER!!
Jennifer: SHUUUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUP

Jennifer: here's you, tilting at a big ol' windmill!
Jennifer: keep tilting, chubbs!!!!
Alan: that's not a windmill and nobody's tilting at it
Jennifer: well, you managed to knock off the fan bits
Jennifer: i'll give you credit for that much, at least...
Jennifer: but no more!

Izzy: i went to pancho's with jackie
Izzy: they got the order wrong and only gave us two gyros
Izzy: so now i'm eating the order of fries instead
Jennifer: always check your order in the resturant! ALWAYS
Jennifer: EVEN YOUR SODA
Izzy: you're right, you're right...

* flashback
Alan: let's just agree to agree to xenon's greatness.
Jennifer: i'll agree to disagree alright....... to disagree about agreeing to disagree!
---
Jennifer: wait, you said agree to agree. go to hell!

Jennifer: there's a pie in the break room
Jennifer: with a note from noreen saying EAT SOME PIE, MY DARLINGS!
Jennifer: clearly she's trying to poison us
Hawaii: have some! now!
Jennifer: no!
Hawaii: HAVE SOME PIE
Jennifer: you're just an imaginary urgo, trying to tempt me.....

Paige: anyway, does that sound like a good plan?
Jennifer: No
Paige: why not?
Jennifer: because you're too fat to pull off any plans!
Jennifer: you'll just fall into an ewok leaf trap!

Jennifer: remember that GOTTA GO WEE joke?
Wilson: No.
Jennifer: well, see, this kid and his dad are at a baseball game
Jennifer: and the kid says, dad i gotta go wee!
Jennifer: the rule of three is employed to make the joke longer and more repetitive
Jennifer: finally the dad says FINE DO IT

Jennifer: tonight I dreamed about some stuff... there was a house... there was nothing to eat in it..... i went outside, there was a fence with guards, who had gas masks I think
Jennifer: i climbed over it, much to their displeasure
Jennifer: they shot at me, one guy shot me in the back with a tranquilizer of some kind, and said "go to sleep now" as i blacked out
Jennifer: unlike the last time this happened, "losing conciousness" did not cause me to wake up
Jennifer: and i came to still inside the dream, in a concrete room where the guy who shot me gleefully began conducting a sort of one-man kangaroo court martial, with puppets
Jennifer: i removed the wire binding my feet and was using it to garrote him when i woke up
Jennifer: being knocked out is a nice sensation

Jennifer: you know, i can't think of a single video game in which you're given the opportunity to murder a child
Jennifer: could that be the uncharted territory that is keeping the medium from achieving mainstream acceptance as art.....?
Jennifer: a USA today pie graph chart says that 98% of those surveyed say "yes, absolutely!"
Jennifer: wait, no, you could murder children in both fallout games
Jennifer: although it heavily affected your karma attribute...

Alan: it would be funny to have an incomprehensibly vague protest
Hawaii: have signs that say NO
Alan: right
Alan: and take them around town, so you can't be associated with a particular locale
Jennifer: inevitably, you'd run into a bunch of people with signs that said YES and a fight would break out
Jennifer: and you'd find yourselves in a stupid student film

Jennifer: let's build a dyson sphere
Jennifer: i've got a shopping list of materials i'll need you to get at home depot
Izzy: there aren't enough materials on and in the PLANET to make a dyson sphere
Jennifer: yeah, you're going to have to barter with the home depot employees for quite a while on this one, i imagine
Susan: how do you plan to stop the poles from collapsing into the star?
Jennifer: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...mmm.mmmm......mm..magnets?
Susan: [turns camera around to face herself, shakes her head sadly in pity]

* computer
Jennifer: this installation program is horrible...
Jennifer: it's full-screen, uses opengl, and has music
Jennifer: it should just have steve ballmer's face jammed up into the screen
Jennifer: and as progress completes, he screams louder and louder
Jennifer: until the whole computer explodes
Jennifer: his face should get closer and closer as the scream approaches, as well

Jennifer: it's like that shel silverstein story where god lets some little jerk steer the world for a while, and he does a horrible job

Hawaii: maybe you have a bee in your bonnet!
Jennifer: i yelled at that bee until it blew away one piece at a time like shingles in the wind
Jennifer: you remember that

Alan: you know, for all people rave about the magic of reading, the actual act of reading is pretty dull
Jennifer: it's hard for me to focus on reading
Jennifer: it's hard for me to focus on AUDIOBOOKS, even
Alan: i don't have trouble focusing, but every now and then i stop and think "god, this is boring!"
Jennifer: yeah, that thought's always kind of at the back of my mind

Hawaii: I'M BUSYYy
Jennifer: doing what! sitting there, vomiting?
Jennifer: you're not busy!
Hawaii: yes i am!
Hawaii: i have to think of a name
Jennifer: that's not BUSY
Jennifer: that's SITTING AROUND LIKE A LAZY LITTLE BEEHIVE

Jennifer: goddamnit
Jennifer: the air conditioning is FIXED
Jennifer: why can't the guy just LEAVE
Hawaii: he's waiting for the right moment
Jennifer: i'm waiting for the right-
Hawaii: ...to murder you!
Jennifer: ..hmm
Jennifer: we were both going in the exact same direction with that, predictably..

Jennifer: i remember claiming to be diabetic at a couple of friends' birthday parties, whenever they'd bring out the cake
Jennifer: each time they invariably ended up notifying their parents of the fact so that i wouldn't go into diabetic shock, and i eventually had to explain to them that i was joking
Alan: did you do it so they'd take pity on you, or do you just hate cake?
Jennifer: i'm not crazy about cake, no
Jennifer: but mostly it just seemed like a good thing to say to a person on their birthday
Alan: you're a real barrel of fun, aren't you?

Jennifer: remember that novel i wrote, "the sound and the fury?"
Wilson: No
Jennifer: it was an audiobook
Jennifer: seventeen hours of me screaming at the top of my lungs... furiously.

Jennifer: you ATE ALL THE OVALTINE
Jennifer: with YOUR HAND
Jennifer: you just shoveled it out with one meaty paw!
Jennifer: while saying NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM

Hawaii: latvia is ruled by dr. doom!
Jennifer: no, that's latVERia
Jennifer: latvia is just some real life shithole in east shitistan
Jennifer: i'm sorry, that was culturally insensitive
Jennifer: latvia has given us many great things over the years, including genocide.

Jennifer: owning a toupee is the stupidest thing you could do
Jennifer: however, it'd be kind of good to have in case you're in an argument
Jennifer: you could just tear it off, throw it at your opponent's face, and run away
Susan: it'd be funny if you said that at thanksgiving dinner, and your family all put down their forks, and looked solemnly at you, and removed their toupees

Jennifer: clearly YOUR aim program is really the prize hog that you brought home from your last county renaissance fair!
Hawaii: yes!
Jennifer: AND NOW IT'S BACON.

Jennifer: of course i can!
Jennifer: i've scaled the highest mountain
Jennifer: and eaten the finest cheese
Jennifer: and uhhhhhh
Jennifer: i punched you in the kidneys for eighteen hours straight

Hawaii: i wish everything had a filename
Hawaii: even words
Hawaii: and... people
Jennifer: you'd be hawaii_hernández.fat
Wilson: [to hawaii] You're not fat.
Jennifer: you'd be fatty_praegermann.baaaaaarf.fatkins!

Jennifer: there's plenty of idiotic science fiction about aliens who are incapable of lying
Jennifer: actually, it's not just idiotic, it's downright terrible
Jennifer: but nobody really writes about what it would be like if everyone used to be able to lie and then suddenly found a way to detect lies that was cheap and easy and worked really well
Susan: they can do a pretty good job even now, with facial expression mapping
Jennifer: they could do an even BETTER job with a little incentive!
Jennifer: a pat on the back every now and again, why not!

Jennifer: WRONG! VINTAGE 18226!
Wilson: That year hasn't even happened yet
Wilson: It's over 16 thousand years in the future
Jennifer: OH... MUCH LIKE YOUR MOTHER?
Wilson: Would that be bad?
Jennifer: GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH! GGGGGGGGGGGG

Jennifer: BLTHLTULUTL I FLFLURLLUGEOTOTR SHUT UP
Jennifer: GO TO YOUR HOUSE
Jennifer: AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE
Jennifer: FOREVER!
Jennifer: AS I STICK A BOMB IN IT!

* SAM basement sub-basement
Wilson: what would you expect to find in a sub-basement?
Jennifer: bones, i guess? i don't know
Jennifer: maybe a deathtoll
Jennifer: a giant mainframe that's printing out a crappy dot matrix reading of every person who's ever died
Jennifer: and they'd hire a person to tear off the page every so often
Jennifer: he misses his family

Jennifer: maybe i'll die peacefully in my sleep
Jennifer: well, i'll BEGIN to die peacefully
Jennifer: but then i'll be awoken forcefully by the raging throes of a massive heart attack
Jennifer: my heart will just burst open from my chest, spewing blood all over my entire room
Jennifer: after five days, someone will open my door and be greeted with a giant rushing torrent of blood
Jennifer: and my organs will be surfing my other organs down it screaming "YEEEEE-HAW"

* spider
Jennifer: people who care about the distinction between insects and arachnids are annoying
Jennifer: but not as annoying as people who care about the distinction between lie and lay
Jennifer: you LAY an egg, you LIE on a hen!
Jennifer: heeey
Jennifer: that reminds me...
Jennifer: nine.. ten.. a big fat hen!
Jennifer: the naaaaaame's bender

Hawaii: when they read yours, they shook their heads sadly!
Hawaii: they looked down at the form, and it had two boxes, and one said "give award", and one said "don't give the award"
Hawaii: and then... their eyes went looking further and further down, and they looked at the box at the veeeeery... last place, and it said "feed jennifer to a big earwig"
Jennifer: therein lies the rub! look for me in my new sitcom, "me and the 'wig," airing tuesdays on mynetworktv

Susan: now for the pop quiz
Susan: what is lois flagston's maiden name?
Jennifer: fffffffffffffffffffffffffffagston?
Susan: the answer is "bailey"
Susan: she's beetle bailey's sister
Jennifer: oh, bullshit! get out!

Jennifer: after the can sprayed foam everywhere uselessly, did you sigh in an exaggerated manner and look at the camera?
Jennifer: if so, i can probably sell the footage to billy mays
Jennifer: so he can contrast it to his new miracle goo

Jennifer: do you know the etymology of the months of the year?
Wilson: let's see... the last four months are named after numbers
Wilson: october's root is eight because it used to be the eighth month, etc.
Wilson: july is emperor julius, august is emperor augustus
Jennifer: actually, that's a common misconception
Jennifer: july was added much later, by a council of landlords who wanted to collect rent more often
Jennifer: most of them were jews, so we get the word "jew lie"

Jennifer: nothing makes me angrier than a wilson on the loose!

Hawaii: ok, how about the pink devil? thing? girl?
Jennifer: that's just stephanie from toontown... lazytown... some horrible town that shouldn't exist...
Hawaii: why does she have a tail?
Jennifer: stephanie of toontown has always had a tail! she uses it to poke holes in robbie rotten so that he deflates!

Jennifer: the 90s were the slime decade
Jennifer: floam, gak, etc.......

Jennifer: help me get my papers in order before i shuffle off into the sea to die
Hawaii: what papers?
Jennifer: they gave them to me when i got into the country!
Jennifer: i couldn't speak a lick of english at the time, so they gave me a paper with a frowny face and one with a happy face
Jennifer: and using those two pages alone, i managed to silently gesture my way into being the richest girl in america...

* lie
Jennifer: the only time i saw that movie was in the sixth grade
Jennifer: they played it to distract us
Wilson: from what?
Jennifer: the awful truth
Jennifer: with your host, michael moore
Jennifer: it was playing on a second tv, off to the side
Jennifer: even then, his liberal agenda wreaked havoc on our young minds...

Jennifer: teatime degenerated into blowjob jokes and watching The Matrix Revolutions

* lie weirdness
Jennifer: i was looking out the window at the old house, and what should i see floating past like a soap bubble, but a dead apple tree
Jennifer: there was a dead bird in the branches, and two more live birds sitting on it
Jennifer: it turned out those darn neighbor kids sawed down all our apple trees
Jennifer: my parents concluded it was best not to make a big deal out of the whole thing
Jennifer: but i thought it'd be funny to go over to the neighbors' house and ask if they had a saw i could borrow

Alan: let's see what reddit's got for us today
Alan: 30 days to absolute tyranny
Alan: well then
Jennifer: what happens in 30 days
Jennifer: the giant all-watching eye-o-tron is installed in times square?
Jennifer: man, i wish they had one of those
Jennifer: it could fire heat rays at the homeless

Hawaii: let's divide up the earth into equal parts and give one to everyone!
Jennifer: OK
Hawaii: if you get an ocean part, tough noogies
Jennifer: can we still go to war over land?
Hawaii: yes
Hawaii: but it will be very complicated
Jennifer: it will not!
Jennifer: and i will declare war on anyone who says otherwise!

Jennifer: i love religion
Jennifer: nothing gets me higher than a bible and a meth pipe!
Jennifer: not even crack!

Jennifer: and i said KAMEHAMEHA and did a fireball in my shower
Jennifer: but i slipped and fell before i could see it
Jennifer: and i woke up hours later, in a daze

Jennifer: what was it that i saw yesterday
Jennifer: WHAT WAS IT
Jennifer: WHAAAT WAS IIIIIIIIT
Jennifer: COULD IT HAVE BEEN...
Jennifer: WHO KNOWS
Jennifer: MY MEMOFRYry
Jennifer: failing me
Jennifer: tell my face i loved it...

Hawaii: dr. chase says he could definitely perform a tracheotomy in real life, if he needed to!
Hawaii: from all the practice he's had
Jennifer: what a horrible idiot!
Hawaii: you won't think he's an idiot after he saves your life!
Jennifer: yes i will
Jennifer: i'll punch him in the face and slam his face down onto the pavement and say "YOU.. HORRIBLE... IDIOT"
Hawaii: he's australian!
Jennifer: oh, so he's IMPERVIOUS to HAVING HIS HEAD SMASHED IN THE PAVEMENT?

Jennifer: the iraq study group has released their final report
Jennifer: it's just a picture of a man sticking the barrel of a pistol in his mouth

Jennifer: bored borrrrreeeed bored
Jennifer: i need more friends
Jennifer: the problem? all people are horrible...

Jennifer: make a documentary about trains or something, but as it goes on, the people you interview get fatter and fatter
Jennifer: untill they're just obscenely fat

Hawaii: how about this one
Jennifer: sure! no! yes!
Hawaii: how about this one
Jennifer: SURE
Hawaii: you're no good!
Jennifer: you suck!
Hawaii: you are bad!
Jennifer: you are a fat child! you will die!

Izzy: why's my computer so slow
Jennifer: bittorrents have stolen your spare cycles!
Jennifer: they're taking them down to the cycle eatery and cafetorium
Jennifer: to eat your cycles and listen to the finest in computer-related stand-up humor
Jennifer: sample joke: "so, guys, i guess you could say we're really taking some megaBYTES, here! of food!"
Jennifer: man, computer-related stand-up humor sure does suck
Jennifer: where am i

Izzy: if you ask for tang in a grocery store, the person you ask WILL misunderstand you
Izzy: and then when they repeat the question to the manager, he will get it wrong as well
Izzy: it's like "where's the tang?" "TANG?" "tang." "Tang? I don't know..."
Jennifer: well, the right thing to say after that is obviously "excuse me, i meant VAGINA. do you have any VAGINA?"
Izzy: well, you could do that, sure.
Izzy: but then you'd never find the tang
Jennifer: a much greater reward would soon be yours!
Jennifer: temporary imprisonment.

Jennifer: there has never been a decent bald singer
Hawaii: what about moby
Jennifer: he just outsources his singing to the guy who lives above his apartment
Jennifer: his name is jim beauregard, and he's 58 years old
Hawaii: jim beauregard is bald also
Jennifer: no, he's reknowned for his beautiful golden locks
Jennifer: he looks like little lord fauntleroy, and is often paid to hold a lollipop while wearing a schoolboy's outfit
---
Jennifer: man, my shoes really are falling apart

Jennifer: this country was BUILT upon foreshadowing!
Jennifer: our founding fathers sat around saying "man, i hope this place NEVER TURNS INTO A COUNTRY INDEPENDENT OF OUR OWN..." and ben franklin just sat there twiddling his fingers all ominously, saying "yes... yes, it sure would be a PITY if that were to happen!"

Jennifer: i remember waking up around 7:00 or so with a knock at the door
Jennifer: i said "come in" and it was my mother, with a bag of jack in the box
Jennifer: i slowly hung out my arm and sort of wavered it around as i waited for it to be delivered into my hand
Jennifer: that seemed to take an achingly long time
Jennifer: for the next ten minutes, i sat slowly eating an ultimate bacon cheeseburger in the dark

Jennifer: i should probably pay attention to [task]
Wilson: Yes
Jennifer: but it's just so god-awfully BORING
Jennifer: it's very hard to not be distracted by something else
Jennifer: like catching pokemon

Izzy: you know what I hate? tag clouds...
Izzy: it's like someone thought, hey, I'll sort topics alphabetically but change the font size to indicate the number of items available
Izzy: without noticing that that's completely useless
Izzy: and then everyone else said, hey, that looks stupid, I'll take it!

Jennifer: i remember back on aol, i'd hang out in various horrible chat rooms a lot
Jennifer: one time, a man was sitting around threatening to put a virus on everyone's computer
Jennifer: he IMed me with the secret details of this alleged virus
Jennifer: he said "every 30 minutes, it will flash a picture of an old man's butt"
Jennifer: i have never forgotten that idiot

Jennifer: much like your FACE!
Jennifer: A CONSTANT
Jennifer: DUEL
Jennifer: UHhhhhhhh
Jennifer: HHHHHH
Jennifer: jiUJHJUH?!

Jennifer: they have a really small imax
Jennifer: it's called an imin
Jennifer: they just wheel out a dinky black and white TV set
Hawaii: who goes there?
Jennifer: puerto ricans
Jennifer: RACIST ENOUGH FOR YA?

Jennifer: i remember the summer when i had the most horrible neck pain
Jennifer: i had just got home from seeing "crouching tiger, hidden dragon", and i was playing pokemon pinball while the eddie murphy vehicle "dr. doolittle" was on television
Jennifer: then, suddenly, out of nowhere, i felt the most horrible pain in my neck. the worst pain i had ever felt in my entire life. the end!

* lie
Jennifer: more like certain LIE-berties!
Jennifer: "liebert" sounds like the dilbert adaptation of my life

Jennifer: oh GOOOOOOOD
Jennifer: THERE'S A MOSQUITO HAWK IN HERE
Jennifer: POSSIBLY MILLIONS
Jennifer: THAT STUPID HORRIBLE ASSHOLE
Jennifer: I'LL KILL HIM
Jennifer: HA
Jennifer: i killed him!
Jennifer: it was a swift, smooth kill

Jennifer: what keyboard thing
Jennifer: randomly pounding on letters?
Wilson: yes
Jennifer: that's a GOOD habit!
Jennifer: it helps stimulate the economy!
Jennifer: through
Jennifer: bear market pressure tactics
Jennifer: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jennifer: you know what was a good song, was AUCHDEFLIEBERSHREWHAUKREACKEN
Jennifer: you should listen to it!
Jennifer: first it goes one way, AND THEN THE OTHER ENTIRELY!!!!!
Alan: ok, send it
Jennifer: IT'S LIKE A CO i lied
Jennifer: it's not a real song

Jennifer: that's a good animation
Susan: I made it
Jennifer: AND NOW YOU DIE!
Susan: It could be better
Jennifer: oh, wait, you made it?
Jennifer: it's good
Jennifer: uhhhhhhh, hmmmmmmm
Jennifer: picross is fun

Susan: I think I've met those guys
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: i recognize all of them
Jennifer: but WHO
Jennifer: HOW
Jennifer: WHERE?!
Jennifer: AAAAAHHHHH
Jennifer: WHERE AM I!?!?!?!

Jennifer: time for new aphex twin!
Jennifer: from the man who brought you CRAP
Jennifer: and SHIT! COMES NEW CRAP AND SHIT AND IT'S HORRIBLE!!1111111 ARRRRRRGH

Jennifer: liar!
Jennifer: eat an egg and lay eggs from your mouth! fifty, that's our quota

Jennifer: the other night when I was at school, I had a chocolate craving, but instead of getting a candy bar, I got chocolate milk! I reasoned that that would be healthier, right?
Jennifer: it had over 400 calories in the bottle.
Jennifer: and was infused with High Fructose Corn Syrup
Hawaii: food is tricky.
Jennifer: food IS a trick!
Jennifer: don't fall for it!

Jennifer: i wish something newsworthy would happen
Jennifer: and by newsworthy, i mean terrible
Jennifer: to someone else, obviously
Paige: that's kind of a terrible sentiment!

Jennifer: well, i decided, hawaii
Jennifer: i'm going to do it!
Jennifer: i'm going to box that kangaroo
Hawaii: are you going to punch him in the head 50 times?
Jennifer: i'll probably do a bunch of mean leg sweeps until he gets fed up and leaves
Hawaii: kangaroos don't stand on their legs
Hawaii: they sit on their butt!
Jennifer: there goes my entire plan...
Jennifer: and i just got off the phone with the commissioner of entertainment, telling him i'd appear!

Hawaii: i think this cat on sabrina the teenage witch is a muppet
Jennifer: a muppet GOLEM
Jennifer: there is a crucial difference.
Hawaii: there is?
Jennifer: one hasn't been animated by the dark arts! good lord!
Hawaii: which one?
Jennifer: well, i... 
Jennifer: i see. i see what you've done there.

Izzy: god, i'm old...
Jennifer: you're 17
Izzy: old, old, old...
Jennifer: you're not old!
Izzy: i need a cane...
Jennifer: you need a beanie and a lolly, and also to shut up!
Izzy: so i can wave it at kids and tell them to get off my lawn

Izzy: the new burger king commercials involve a group of mothers attempting to assassinate the burger king
Izzy: because his new bk double homestyle bacon burger is "better than mom can make"...
Izzy: i've tried it, it was mediocre
Jennifer: yeah, but can your mom do better?
Izzy: yes, easily!
Jennifer: i always imagine your mother as being fat
Jennifer: hawaii's too
Izzy: well, she is
Jennifer: i used my imagination..... correctly.......
Hawaii: my mother isn't fat, except for being pregnant.

Jennifer: remember the phoenix purple bike initiative?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: the city set up purple bike racks all over everywhere
Jennifer: with purple bikes stationed in them
Jennifer: people were encouraged to take them and ride around for free, and deposit them at another purple bike rack whenever they were done
Wilson: were they all stolen within minutes?
Jennifer: yes
Jennifer: the guy in charge of the program said "you can't steal what's already free"
Jennifer: but he was... proven wrong.

Jennifer: or perhaps just whittle you into a normal sized person
Jennifer: and sell the scraps to charity
Jennifer: they can use it for playground covering, in place of old tires

* IRC
Izzy: you should see the conversation in #idiots-club right now...
Jennifer: paste it
Jennifer: that's what i'd do
Izzy: too long and ridiculous
Izzy: it will probably end up in ircman, properly cropped, or just disappear...
Jennifer: due to your own incredible laziness!
Izzy: yes
Jennifer: if it's not interesting enough to paste, why would it be interesting enough for me to care if i was actually there?
Izzy: well, i was telling you that for my benefit, but i apparently miscalculated, because you're going to make me roll this over in my mind for the rest of my life...

Jennifer: i got a check from peoplemovers, inc.
Jennifer: for $9000
Jennifer: i helped brainstorm an innovative new way to move people
Jennifer: a personal "automobile" that consists of a metal chassis with four wheels attached, along with a hard metal shell for protection, and some glass windows for extra viewing opportunity
Jennifer: the wheels are treaded such that they will run on a track that leads directly into the grand canyon, where they will fall to their deaths
Jennifer: i call it... the wandering deathotron

Izzy: more software needs to say "Excellent!!!" when you cancel at the quit dialog
Jennifer: i think if you click yes, it should yell NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO as it closes
Izzy: yes, that would be good
Jennifer: and it should be.... microsoft word
Jennifer: it should be steve ballmer's voice yelling it
Izzy: his pleading face can be the little picture inset in the dialog
Jennifer: no, his angry face
Jennifer: in fact, when you choose yes, he should burst out of the picture and throw a chair at you

Alan: a rogue's gallery.......
Alan: makes you wonder what their crimes were
Jennifer: they all stood around raping each other one day
Jennifer: that page was created for them alone

Jennifer: we're constructing a portal to hell
Jennifer: to let out all the demons
Jennifer: a global trepanning, if you will

* idea film
Jennifer: i just had a great idea
Wilson: what is it
Jennifer: a movie where trick photography is used CONSTANTLY... for things there is absolutely no reason to use it for
Jennifer: somebody will gesture, but their elbow will be below the frame, and it will be a fake arm...
Wilson: would they use the hobbit camera trick from the lord of the rings films to emphasize height discrepancies between adult and child characters?
Jennifer: perhaps...
Jennifer: and cheap bluescreening to have a character in a scene...... once....

Hawaii: i'm back
Hawaii: and i have a present for you 
Jennifer: yay
Hawaii: the present is a hug
Jennifer: boo

Izzy: why don't you just get one of those work-from-home jobs
Jennifer: they all want me to send them $10
Jennifer: so I assume they're huge rip-offs
Jennifer: scams
Jennifer: whatever!!!!!111
Izzy: there's real ones.....
Izzy: medical transcription, medical insurance coding....
Izzy: putting the barrel of a gun in your mouth.....

Jennifer: you know what commercial i hate?
Wilson: what
Jennifer: IF YOU THINK A COLD... WILL STOP ME... YOU DON'T KNOW ME. YOU DON'T KNOW ADVIL
Jennifer: she's such a strong, independant woman
Jennifer: for tackling the world with a COLD
Jennifer: WHAT IS SHE THINKING
Wilson: it's targeted at people with legacy immune systems. what are you watching that you'd even see it? matlock?

Jennifer: i've heard it said that our generation is apathetic
Jennifer: to which i've lately heard rebuttals that no it isn't!
Jennifer: but it really IS

Jennifer: did you know that abraham lincoln had a voice like an effeminate child?
Jennifer: probably due to the marfan's
Alan: he doesn't in clone high
Jennifer: he was on clone high?
Jennifer: wait
Jennifer: he was the main character... wasn't he...

Hawaii: i'm the best and you're the stinkeroo!
Jennifer: you're the big fat stinker and you have a sidekick in a sidecar named lil stinker and you ride around and solve mysteries! at least you WOULD, if people actually hired you! but they DON'T!

Jennifer: neurotransmitters are overrated
Jennifer: let's just do without them
Jennifer: nanocars will be the new neurotransmitters
Jennifer: they'll run between our axons.. dendrites.. hmm..
Jennifer: screaming "hey there, pally! got a new message for ya!"
Jennifer: all of this will be done in a NANOSECOND!
Jennifer: where am i
Jennifer: i'm in hell

Hawaii: remember at the zoo how there's that thing that shows how a human lung goes to a whale lung?
Jennifer: no
Jennifer: i wasn't aware the zoo had whales
Hawaii: it's two accordian things behind a glass
Hawaii: the human one only goes up and down a little, so it has to do it a lot
Hawaii: the whale one goes up and down all the way!
Jennifer: that's horrifying
Jennifer: whales are the new enemy

Jennifer: yes!
Jennifer: because i am a well-rounded individual!
Alan: I'LL say! HELLL-lo!
Jennifer: i'm walkin' into a lot of rough chuckles these days
Jennifer: you know what i always say in response?
Alan: something about killing me, or me in fact being the fat one, generally

Jennifer: YOU'RE an idiot, idiot! you starred in "IDYOT: A SEQUEL TO MYST starring idiot parker he sucks he's an idiot too."
Jennifer: it sold literally.. ones of copies..
Jennifer: and that one copy was just the copy of "myst" that i scribbled on at best buy

Hawaii: you were assisting me!
Jennifer: assisting your DEATH!
Jennifer: for you see, you just drank from the POISON cup!

Jennifer: i shouuuuuuuld
Jennifer: fry some delicious eggs
Jennifer: and then make some delicious french toast
Jennifer: and also make some deliiici OL-
Jennifer: OH GOD
Jennifer: OHHHHHH GOOOOODDDDDDDD.
Wilson: what's the matter
Jennifer: i have no idea how to make french toast!

Hawaii: i tried to make french toast by guessing
Jennifer: by guessing what
Hawaii: how to do it
Jennifer: you just take toast, add 20 eggs, you're done

Jennifer: i was just thinking i should pirate "audition" again
Jennifer: but then it dawned on me that i HAVE the film
Jennifer: but then i figured i should still pirate it anyhow
Wilson: It dawned on you, did it?
Jennifer: yes! slowly, creeping!
Jennifer: like someone was slowly reaching for a lightbulb switch right above my head but couldn't reach it
Jennifer: except all compressed within the space of less than a second
Jennifer: it was a really quick slow, creeping dawning
Jennifer: the kind of which there is NO ESCAPE FROM!!

Jennifer: AUUUUUUUGH
Jennifer: my face!
Jennifer: i got acid on it!
Jennifer: just kidding

Jennifer: a better question is
Jennifer: who ISN'T dr. crab?
Izzy: everyone!
Izzy: and no, that's NOT a better question! It's an idiotic question!
Jennifer: but we could easily point out all the people who AREN'T dr. crab!
Jennifer: it would be...
Jennifer: everyone, yes
Jennifer: with one glaring exception!

Jennifer: what is "post-ironic" supposed to mean
Jennifer: we're more firmly entrenched in irony than ever before! we're not POST-irony at all! we're CUR-irony!
Susan: post-ironic is the stage where you can no longer tell whether someone is pretending to be an idiot, or actually is one
Jennifer: i like that
Jennifer: it describes me perfectly and makes me seem like i know what i'm doing
Jennifer: but i don't! oh god, i'm without a plan and i'm fat and i'm GOING TO DIE!

* lie
Jennifer: oh, right
Jennifer: i forgot i even said that
Jennifer: wellllll, about that
Jennifer: sometimes in life, a woman lies
Jennifer: and just makes up things for no good reason
Jennifer: this is not one of those times.
Jennifer: or is it?
Jennifer: the mysteries of space and time... revealed
Jennifer: goodnight!

* goat insult tired
Jennifer: you lazy goat!!!!!

* phone jennifer's_house
Jennifer: i stepped on a discarded banana peel just now, wilson
Jennifer: didn't slip on it, though! no, no, it appears to be incredibly old and was on a rug anyhow
Wilson: you live in filth.
Jennifer: yeah, but it's not my fault!
Jennifer: my parents must have left it for the dogs

Jennifer: remember that guy who got stranded on an island and nothing was there but rocks and crabs and he saw boats passing all the time and tried to yell for help, but they all just laughed at him?
Noreen: no
Noreen: that seems pretty harsh, though
Jennifer: and it turned out it was actually a peninsula when the tide was out and he could've just walked back to the mainland any day?
Noreen: less harsh now
Jennifer: he died, though
Noreen: well, that's sad.
Jennifer: but he farted as he died
Noreen: and that's just silly

Hawaii: why are coconuts hollow?
Jennifer: why would they expend all that energy on filling themselves with content?
Alan: it's what people demand in the digital age

* prank
Alan: i remember once we got a call from the police that said some prankster had been putting fish in people's mailboxes
Alan: and that we should check ours, and remove the fish before it started to stink, if there was one
Alan: i'll leave you to imagine the denoument.......
Jennifer: you were eaten by a fish

Paige: you know who i wish wasn't dead?
Jennifer: you?

Izzy: ohhhhh, well, i can always install it later in a few minutes while no one's looking, and they will never, ever notice

Hawaii: you ate
Hawaii: a big
Hawaii: cookie
Hawaii: we have it on tape
Jennifer: d..don't let that tape get out.. please..
Jennifer: it could RUIN me...
Hawaii: [plays video of Jennifer eating a big cookie]
Jennifer: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Jennifer: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Jennifer: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Jennifer: I don't know what any of this crap means
Jennifer: I feel like I'm having faulty biology explained to me by Brent Spiner
Alan: we don't even know what life built on a triple helix would look like...
Alan: but whatever it is, it can't be good for the human race......

Jennifer: club house, club house! the only house where you own a club
Jennifer: that's the jingle for my new infomercial product
Jennifer: it's a house with clubs dangling from the ceiling
Jennifer: laminated tiles form a walkway bridging from the front door to every room in the house
Jennifer: but everywhere other than the bridge, you'll find only pits full of spikes
Jennifer: occasionally random tiles will drop, wobbling beforehand
Jennifer: five tiles in front of the one you're standing on will also drop, along with five behind you
Jennifer: most of the time, your only real option is to jump up and grab onto a club hanging above you, and wait until the tiles return
Jennifer: some clubs ALSO drop as well, though
Jennifer: that's why it's better to grab onto two or maybe three at a time

Jennifer: that fish is horrible and i hope they killed it.
Hawaii: aww
Hawaii: it's just a puffer fish!
Hawaii: gettin' all puffy!
Jennifer: hmm, true
Jennifer: hilarious!
Jennifer: let's let it live
Alan: i find it odd that you didn't recognize it as such to begin with
Jennifer: well, i did
Jennifer: it just never occurred to me to NOT hope for its death, i guess

Jennifer: YOU were cancelled!
Jennifer: a big fat red X sits on you at all times now
Wilson: it's the scarlet letter for the pepsi generation.

Jennifer: youuuuuu don't want an a&w cheeseburger
Alan: i'd settle for one
Jennifer: they inject root beer into the meat
Jennifer: root beer and fly vomit!
Jennifer: and, and
Jennifer: pony guts!
Jennifer: and rainbows! the BAD kind of rainbows!

Clone-sister: once a man came to talk to us about win-win situations
Clone-sister: in 3rd grade
Clone-sister: his name was mr. woral
Clone-sister: he emphasized that it rhymed with coral
Clone-sister: he had glasses and a mustache
Jennifer: one time an otter puppet came to talk to us about otter life
Jennifer: i remember it distinctly because they told me to lie down on my back so i could crack open food on my chest, but i first lied down on my stomach
Jennifer: that was an informative otter.

Paige: you know what the romans didn't have?
Jennifer: what
Paige: the concept of zero
Jennifer: are you sure you're not thinking of the mayans?
Paige: well... if the romans had zero, what was the roman numeral for it?
Jennifer: they figured they didn't need one
Paige: then what did they do?
Jennifer: they just stood around in silence
Paige: how do you write that down?
Jennifer: a picture of a man, standing there silently.

* weather flood
Jennifer: if arizona floods, then i... i'll tell that nasty old flood, "whyyyy, i oughta!" while waving my fists around
Jennifer: then i guess i'll drown since floods don't fear fists, but whatever.

* weather flood
Wilson: how high is phoenix above sea level?
Hawaii: two!
Wilson: angstroms? furlongs?
Jennifer: two sea levels
Wilson: that's not a unit of measure
Jennifer: welcome to crazytown! crazy world! welcome to crazyland.

Jennifer: it means the gas is ready
Noreen: it's an electric oven
Jennifer: it means the electricity is ready
Noreen: that makes no sense
Jennifer: electricity takes time to warm up
Noreen: it does not
Jennifer: it does in my perfect vision

Jennifer: "remember the titans" was an awful movie
Jennifer: we were made to watch it in my sophomore year regular english class
Jennifer: or as i call it, "the year of nonstop disney sports movies"

Jennifer: i'd rather just pretend i don't know her
Paige: that won't work very well when she comes knocking on your door in ten years, looking for a place to stay.
Jennifer: sure it will!

Jennifer: apparently the bus ride to california was a huge vomit fest in which everyone vomited everywhere
Jennifer: including the teachers
Jennifer: one teacher vomited down the aisle of the bus and it traveled down to the very back of the bus, causing disgust and horror and possibly more vomiting

Jennifer: remember the sneetches?
Jennifer: and the star-bellied sneetches?
Jennifer: remember how they reached amicable peace at the end?
Jennifer: and the snorlax, i mean th... what was that guy
Jennifer: the lomax? lorax? borax? let's say "borat"
Jennifer: the borat came out and lectured the reader on the places you will go, oh! the places you will go
Jennifer: then it turned out that the borat was really just a tiny creature in the world of... horton?
Jennifer: who was an associate of the cat in the hat
Jennifer: who ran a factory producing green eggs... haha, well, you see what i'm getting at.
Jennifer: you see, everything is connected, in one way or another. eveeeerything in this whoooole stupid woooooorld

Jennifer: ravioli doesn't cure shit! it's a known carrier of dangerous cancer crabs!
Jennifer: and AIDS... alligators.
Jennifer: and randy rashomon rhinoviruses.

Jennifer: MAKE A CASSEROLE
Hawaii: i don't know how!
Jennifer: TAKE A FISH
Jennifer: GUT IT
Jennifer: STICK SOME HOT DOGS IN THERE
Jennifer: AND SOME MEAT
Jennifer: AND A SALAD

Izzy: i should walk over to the hong kong resturant and eat some cream cheese puffs
Izzy: or should i...
Jennifer: they'll shoot you dead!
Izzy: the foot court at the mall?
Jennifer: they'll stomp you dead!
Jennifer: right on your head...
Izzy: why!
Jennifer: biggity biggity bump
Izzy: why would they do such a thing
Jennifer: these feet were made for walkin', parker!
Jennifer: and that's just what they'll do

Hawaii: here's a cookie for you
Hawaii: i promise it won't have a frosting face
Jennifer: IT DOES!
Jennifer: IT-
Jennifer: YOU'RE SICK!

Susan: well, now that you're done with that, you can move onto the hit new Rob Schneider film
Susan: so good that it was rushed straight to dvd!
Jennifer: i'll rush a bomb straight to your house

* tired
Hawaii: did chiyo stand in front of you and yell GET MOTIVATED!?
Jennifer: no, she didn't
Jennifer: i should get some kind of chiyo... robot... to do that...
Jennifer: no, forget i suggested that, oh god

* EEG MEG wild_thornberrys
Susan: have you ever had an EEG?
Susan: it takes an hour just to attach all the sensors
Susan: even longer in my case, because i have abnormal protrusions.
Susan: the first thing they do is locate the exact center of your head
Jennifer: for trepanning?
Hawaii: and now you have dust and you can talk to animals?
Susan: it's really cool, but totally secret
---
Jennifer: she had A PEANUT SHAPED HEAD AND BUCK TEETH
Jennifer: and the father was just a hideous affront to god! He could fit both hands in one of his nostrils!

Jennifer: urchins are the fattest fish alive
Alan: they're not fish... at all
Jennifer: hmm, they're not
Jennifer: what was that thing in the little mermaid, then
Jennifer: the little yellow fish
Jennifer: flounder?
Jennifer: that was it

Jennifer: yeah, but mine makes for the better, snappier tagline for the poster
Jennifer: and that's what gets asses in seats! fat, horrible american asses! HAHLALHAHLA
Jennifer: i'm a war profiteer

Jennifer: every single person working there stressed the importance of "facing" items
Jennifer: which means turning items around so their logos face the customer
Hawaii: on the shelves?
Jennifer: no, on the little conveyer as they make their purchase
Jennifer: a "facer" stands next to the cashier, turning items around so they face the customer as they're scanned
Jennifer: occationally she'll hold one up in their face, to more prominently display the logo
Jennifer: the most hilarious people were the ones who were next in line, waiting for me to finish ringing up the current guy
Jennifer: they'd often just get all huffy and try to find any possible way to silently express their discontent
Jennifer: they'd form fists, look around from side to side, and sigh like little adorable steamboats

* SAM house
Jennifer: a dead rat just fell out of the air conditioning vent
Jennifer: i like this house

Jennifer: who's jeff?
Hawaii: my friend
Jennifer: he's a retard and no one would miss him if he were brutally murdered
Wilson: why is that?
Jennifer: why ISN'T it!
Jennifer: hmm, that was kind of a harsh thing to say, wasn't it
Jennifer: unusually harsh, even for me!
Jennifer: well, okay
Jennifer: jeff would PROBABLY BE MISSED BY SOMEONE if he was brutally murdered.

Jennifer: didn't you hear about that giant robot frog that has a retractable acid-coated tongue that flies out and spits acid on anyone that passes by?
Jennifer: how is THAT not PROGRESS?

Jennifer: i was thinking about... SOMEONE... some person...
Jennifer: man, i don't remember who i was thinking of
Jennifer: all that comes to mind is ricky gervais
Jennifer: i was thinking that the best way to kill him would be to use a grizzly bear
Jennifer: i don't know why, considering i like him quite a bit
Jennifer: anyhow
Jennifer: i then thought that he could outrun a grizzly if cornered in a room, so TWO grizzlies in an enclosed room would do the job much better
Jennifer: and then came my sudden fear of bears
Jennifer: then, sleep

Jennifer: wait
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: i DID see this once
Jennifer: on nickelodeon
Izzy: how the hell did it end up THERE
Jennifer: it was during one of their live hosted segments where you, the viewer, get to choose the programming
Izzy: when was this
Jennifer: someone chose an episode of "rugrats", and they cut away to show it, but instead this just came up
Jennifer: when they cut back to the hosts and the audience, everyone was just standing there, mouths agape in horror

Hawaii: we need more underground countries with glowing mushrooms
Jennifer: when have we ever even had ONE of those?
Hawaii: i imagine it all the time!
Jennifer: no!
Jennifer: you just imagine a cube
Jennifer: with stairs in it
Jennifer: and at the top of the stairs is a fat dead man
Jennifer: spinning around in the air
Jennifer: saying "YOU DID IT, BUDDY!"
Hawaii: i don't imagine that.

* TV
Jennifer: this ad for syndicated episodes of "king of the hill" and "that 70s show" features a woman laughing so hard that her head falls off

Jennifer: WHAT OF HOPES AND DREAMS AND DEAD STICKS ON THE GROUND FLOATING AROUND WITH THE BUGS IN THE LAKE ON A FOREST BUILT UPON THE GOSSAMER WINGS OF A TURTLE?! WHAT OF THEM,1/@~1/

Jennifer: uhhhhhhhhh
Jennifer: we had a hummingbird pecking at our house a few years ago
Jennifer: same spot, same time every day
Jennifer: at like 6:00 am, it would hammer away INCESSANTLY
Jennifer: it was a total fucking nuisance
Jennifer: luckily, we placed dynamite in its hole and killed it
Wilson: are you sure it wasn't a woodpecker?
Jennifer: it rained guts for--yeah, that thing
Jennifer: woodpecker
Jennifer: hummingbirds hum, don't they
Jennifer: how about that

* GE
Jennifer: you've made a powerful enemy today
Jennifer: they're working on genetically engineering a fleshy jelly animal that assumes the form of the words "THIS AWFUL MAN >>>>", which will be planted on your lawn

Wilson: what gets me is gender segregated single occupancy restrooms
Jennifer: they do that because men piss all over the seat, and women don't want to deal with that.
Wilson: men don't either.
Jennifer: well, at least you contain the problem.
Jennifer: our employee restroom is always a godawful mess.
Susan: i wonder what would happen if you labeled the rooms "clean people" and "messy people" and had appropriate icons
Susan: probably no one would use the messy people room, and it'd be much cleaner

Jennifer: remember unicode character fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff0xae?
Jennifer: it's a picture of calvin peeing on unicode character 2

Izzy: my mom called me over to show me something funny
Izzy: it was 39 google results for "4544444444444444444444444444"
Izzy: so i said "hey watch this" and typed wwwwwwwwwwwwwww and hit enter and got a million eighty-thousand
Izzy: she said got a really serious look and said what the fuck

Jennifer: oliver sacks.......... he's a con man!
Jennifer: all he does is go up to people and pretend to pull sheet music out of their ears

Paige: anyhow, the art show is on friday, bring someone with an actual APPRECIATION for the creative process
Jennifer: i'll bring a prize hog
Jennifer: with a bulldozer attachment to plow your pretentious sculpture into usable farmland

Jennifer: a red herring, mutated from the toxic brain farts you're illegally dumping into the flow of ideas! GET OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT

* xmas claymation
Jennifer: remember rex and herb?
Jennifer: the dinosaurs who hosted the claymation christmas special?
Jennifer: rex was a well-spoken but stuffy t-rex
Jennifer: herb was a jovial...... other dinosaur....
Jennifer: who was constantly eating and being unprofessional
Jennifer: at the end, rex ate herb, and then belched out his bones to spell MERRY CHRISTMAS

* music
Susan: Whoa, Nelly! is the debut album by Canadian singer-songwriter Nelly Furtado, released by DreamWorks Records in North America on October 24, 2000
Jennifer: october 24 is one day after my birthday!
Jennifer: i would have turned 13 that year
Jennifer: if i hadn't been brutally murdered by the childskinner of west peoria, that is
Jennifer: the Jennifer you know has been a ghost all along, goodbye.....

Jennifer: blimey! the high today is 1000 degrees
Hawaii: that's a lie!
Hawaii: why would you say that!
Jennifer: laffs and gigglez, mainly
Jennifer: although i guess it is worth noting that i found none of those...

* furry
Jennifer: you'd be a flimsy floppin' .. flannel... flenguin.
Jennifer: a flamingo penguin crossbreed, with tentacles.
Jennifer: and you feed on fur flesh

Hawaii: maybe i should get a NICE friend!
Jennifer: i am a nice friend! i tell it like it is, no holds barred!
Izzy: no you don't, you just constantly insult and threaten people!

Hawaii: if you ask me, the first step to a good tv show is...
Hawaii: good...
Hawaii: lighting.
Jennifer: tv shows don't need that
Jennifer: what they NEED are more SNAKES
Hawaii: I'll direct your tv show and you direct mine, and we can see which one works
Jennifer: sounds like a plan!
Paige: except that neither of you have tv shows
Hawaii: i'm not even wearing shoes
Jennifer: and i'm totally naked! somebody HELP ME!

Jennifer: i blame california
Jennifer: seriously, why do we keep that state around?
Wilson: it's 1/6 of our economy
Hawaii: without it, the economy would get crumbled
Jennifer: bah! I'LL keep the economy from crumbling!
Jennifer: with my new crumblyakes! now 30% less arsenic

Jennifer: i remmmeeeemberrrrr
Jennifer: when i was browsing around the webpage of the crazed eighth grade math teacher who went insane and ran away from teaching
Jennifer: and there was a picture of his hideous wench sister, mountain climbing
Jennifer: so i printed it out, cut it out as a mask, and propped myself up against the window of the mac administrator's office, screaming at the top of my lungs
Jennifer: he was a forty year old man in a bomber jacket who lugged in dvd drives from home to watch "akira" on the school computers
Jennifer: later i would be banned from that "mac lab" for some reason
Alan: i remember once in fouth grade i showed people the trick of cutting out a page in a magazine, cutting a hole where the person's mouth was, and sticking your own tongue through it
Alan: everyone thought it was hilarious, but now i can't even see the point

* memory
Jennifer: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP JUST SHUT UP JUST SHUT UP!
Alan: you described it to me blow by blow!
Jennifer: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Jennifer: well, snails have a lot of shit wrong with them
Jennifer: problem one: they leave slime.
Jennifer: problem two: what is with that slime? really, what is it? sediment? coruscant?
Jennifer: problem three: they're slow
Jennifer: problem four: salt will KILL them. apparently
Jennifer: problem five: eyes at the end of stalks
Jennifer: problem six: shells
Jennifer: problem seven: small
Jennifer: problem eight: die in the rain
Jennifer: problem nine: uzumaki
Wilson: i don't really grasp what that list was designed to prove
Jennifer: well, basically it was just fun facts about snails disguised as why i hate them

* txt
Jennifer: BARRRRRRF! VOMIT! BAAAAAAAARF!
Jennifer: okay, how about this
Jennifer: picture a dark, empty, inky void
Jennifer: with nothing in it
Jennifer: close your eyes and imagine it
Jennifer: are they closed yet? are you imagining?
Jennifer: okay, good
Jennifer: now
Jennifer: on the count of three
Jennifer: think of the one thing
Jennifer: that you want more in the universe than anything else that exists in the universe
Jennifer: and then open your eyes again!
Jennifer: 1...
Jennifer: 2...
Jennifer: 3!
---
Wilson: assuming that i was awake while you were texting me, and that i cared, how did you expect me to follow written instructions with my eyes closed?
Jennifer: the power of myth is a very strong force, wilson.

* food shrek
Jennifer: shrek's food products are still in stores
Noreen: that's awful
Jennifer: I saw his waffle sticks just today
Noreen: they've probably expired by now!
Jennifer: I don't think "green swamp syrup" CAN expire.
Jennifer: it just keeps GROWING and GROWING and GROWING and eventually USURPS THE ENTIRE WORLD
Jennifer: I imagine when they release shrek [number], they'll advertize it by painting a giant shrek on the sky
Jennifer: they'll come up with a brand new laser sky etching ozone-destroying device to do so!
Jennifer: it'll create catastrophic tidal waves, which they'll employ a team of shrek surfers to ride around on

Jennifer: i have two shirts on
Hawaii: Why?
Jennifer: it was really cold, earlier
Jennifer: NOOOOOOOW I'M NAAAAKED
Jennifer: NOTHING BUT AN ANIMAL
Jennifer: BUT CAN YOU FAKE IT
Jennifer: FOR JUST ONE MORE SHOW
Jennifer: AND WHAT DO I GOTTTTTTTTT
Jennifer: FOR MY PAAAINAINAININAAAAAIN
Jennifer: SECRET DESIRESSSSS HOLD YOU UP TO THE FLAAAAAAAAME
Jennifer: how did i possibly manage to remember the lyrics to that eight year old pop song?

Jennifer: the president of the condo association made me put a heat lamp in the closet under my lower staircase
Jennifer: to keep the pipes warm
Jennifer: wasting MY precious electricity!
Jennifer: i'll just have to leave the shower running at all times
Jennifer: i don't pay for water! HA HA
Hawaii: but then your house will flood and attract sharks

* CGI film
Jennifer: is it jane and the dragon?
Jennifer: man, trillby was making us watch that
Wilson: i'm guessing it's ella enchanted
Jennifer: she hijacked the meeting
Jennifer: she was like "WATCH THIS AMAZING CARTOON, IT'S SO REALISTIC"
Jennifer: it became evident that she had never seen CGI before and didn't understand what it was
Wilson: how is that possible?
Jennifer: because trillby is a crazy street person!
Wilson: why was she in the meeting?
Jennifer: i have no idea! Mr. Havelka just picked her up, she was hitchhikking!
Wilson: i think you've actually mentioned this series of events before, which is even more incredible

Hawaii: stigmata is a GOOD sign, it means you're holy!
Hawaii: because... you're full of holes!
Jennifer: well, these kids aren't holy! they're just holy SHIT, they SUCK!

Jennifer: the lesson is that animals are only good for eating
Jennifer: or in rare cases, for squishing into red dye #5

* religion pope food
Hawaii: would you rather eat rope or soap?
Hawaii: or the pope?
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: the pope, i suppose
Jennifer: but he would have to be prepared just right
Jennifer: his deep fried head on a platter, with a small sound chip installed so he faintly mumbles latin phrases while i'm eating him
Jennifer: i would also get to wear his hat and a bib

Jennifer: what to do today
Jennifer: oh, i know
Jennifer: call jeff
Jennifer: and be like DAMMIT JEFF
Jennifer: oh, you better BELIEVE i'm calling jeff.......
Jennifer: i'm going to call jeff...... so hard that his phone blows up.....
Jennifer: ok, you got me
Jennifer: i'm not really calling jeff at all

Hawaii: destruction IS creation!
Jennifer: it's the exact opposite!

Jennifer: that's a sign of severe diabetes
Jennifer: it's time to send diabetic people to camps
Jennifer: but instead of being mistreated, they'll be given fluffy pillows and sunshine helmets
Jennifer: the sunshine helmets will deliver powerful electric shocks if they fail to perform their duties
Jennifer: which will be making rainbows in a rainbow factory
Jennifer: while being whipped by unicorns

* film time_bandits
Jennifer: how about i come up with a punchy tagline for each review
Jennifer: ok? ok
Jennifer: time bandits...
Jennifer: "TIME to watch a movie! You'll LOVE these bandits. They'll steal your heart."
Jennifer: Bandits should be capitalized, actually
Jennifer: Time and Bandits should be italicized
Jennifer: for emphasis
Jennifer: because they're part of the title, you see

Jennifer: i'm calling random numbers in the hopes that they're the serial shooter
Jennifer: i'm going to tell her to shoot you in the head

Jennifer: order the new steak fanatic pizza at domino's!
Jennifer: angus steak piled on even MORE steak, smothered in cheese!
Jennifer: and then stay tuned for a full hour of "that 70s show"!

Jennifer: It'd be funny to have a show about two doctors who work in a burn ward and are always cracking wise about getting "burned"
Jennifer: most of the cast would be horribly disfigured

Jennifer: when i was really young, i'd sit around playing out incredibly elaborate storylines with my action figures, and whenever i hit a snag or a plot point i didn't like, i'd sit there saying "no, no no no no" over and over again
Jennifer: for many minutes
Jennifer: until it felt right to stop

Izzy: superman's a stupid asshole
Jennifer: why would you go and say a thing like that about superman!
Jennifer: supes, as we call him! here at geekanerd nerdco incorporated

Hawaii: my favorite song is [song] by [artist]
Jennifer: my favourite song is shut up hawaii
Jennifer: by... you
Hawaii: why did i make a song called shut up hawaii?
Jennifer: you were mad at yourself

Jennifer: let's go to hollywoooowylloh!
Jennifer: i should make a cardboard sign that says that and try to hitchhike
Jennifer: if somebody picks me up, i'll stick a fake steering wheel on the dashboard and mirror their movements and everything they say
Jennifer: there will be no way to get rid of me!
Hawaii: what if they get out of the car and lock the door?

* tired
Jennifer: i'm dead now...
Jennifer: avenge me...
Jennifer: do it...
Jennifer: go onnnnn... avnmg .mv.r.e...
Jennifer: bablalvlhvehlenglenngm ee

Jennifer: remember that time
Jennifer: that everyone declared a mental health day?
Wilson: No
Jennifer: it was made into a film called "BONERS: The Hilarious Motion Picture Experience!"
Jennifer: i'm sorry, i meant "Gone with the Wind"

Jennifer: Well, the best way to deal with problems is to ignore them

Jennifer: here's a tip: if somebody sends you a pdf and asks you to print it out, sign it, scan it back in and send it back to them, instead just draw your signature in MS paint, rotate the image half a degree, and reduce the colors to black and white 

Jennifer: robbie rotten has hidden cameras all over lazytown
Jennifer: even in stephanie's room
Hawaii: call the cops!
Jennifer: there are no cops! lazytown has a total of nine people in it!

Jennifer: "why are you wearing that stupid man suit?"
Jennifer: but he's just being ridiculous, and IS wearing a stupid bunny suit...
Jennifer: and dead
Jennifer: dead in the FUTURE
Alan: everyone's dead in the future

Jennifer: when are they going to investigate that huge hole on mars
Jennifer: they should make sure to have a satellite keep an eye on it
Jennifer: to make sure the martians don't sneak out before we get a probe in there
Jennifer: or some kind of dune buggy, you know
Jennifer: probably ideal would be one of those floppy four armed octopus robots, with a parachute
Jennifer: and a tv camera

Hawaii: i love bees
Jennifer: do you really love bees, or are you just saying that because you saw them?
Jennifer: by which i mean, do you really love bees, or were you just making a reference to i love bees?
Jennifer: i got sidetracked into a reference to anchorman

Jennifer: as i was googling for that blog entry, i started thinking "Wait, that teacher probably isn't a professor"
Jennifer: "Hmm"
Jennifer: i felt like a man in a car racing across the country
Jennifer: discovering that he might have left the tv on at home

Jennifer: i hate catching up with people, because i don't have anything to tell them
Jennifer: "welllll, basically i've sat around talking to people on the internet for the past six years, getting fatter and fatter. the end"

Alan: why did you link me to this
Alan: do you hate me
Jennifer: yes! it's a new police riot prevention tactic!
Jennifer: two helicopters will drape down a 300x300 foot screen projecting this trailer

Jennifer: remember my chemical romance?
Wilson: yes
Jennifer: they were... a band...
Jennifer: a band of minstrels, if you will
Jennifer: they played lutes
Jennifer: and fifes
Wilson: that's not at all how I remember my chemical romance

Hawaii: want to see a picture of yourself playing russian roulette?
Jennifer: ok
Jennifer: I mean, yes
Hawaii: [russian roulette.jpg]
Jennifer: that looks very stupid
Jennifer: it creeps me out to keep looking at it!
Jennifer: that's it, I'm deleting this

Jennifer: ebert complained of the original "stargate" that the very first thing they sent through the stargate was the military, armed with guns
Jennifer: which is fair enough
Jennifer: but i wonder if he'd complain when that very same military man decided to instead use it as his personal chipping grounds
Hawaii: teal'c helped!
Jennifer: that doesn't excuse the plight of any poor aliens whose heads may develop a bump after being hit by a stray golf ball!

* politics
Jennifer: remember our shock and awe attack? and how the iraqis greeted us as liberators?
Jennifer: liberators of outrageous prices on their favorite mcskillet meals?
Wilson: liberating the prices themselves makes no sense
Wilson: you should say we were liberating the iraqis FROM high prices
Jennifer: yeah, that grammar could've used some liberating

* food
Jennifer: i used to like skittles, but eventually i realized i'd started only ever liking the idea of eating them
Wilson: you realized you'd started only..... ever.........
Jennifer: then i'd put them in my mouth and chew and come to the slow realization that they actually didn't taste like food at all, like nothing good
Jennifer: just high fructose corn syrup morsels, practically abrasive

Jennifer: that sounds familiarrrrgh
Jennifer: i got scurvy in the middle of that sentence

* error
Jennifer: what song
Jennifer: that's not a song.
Wilson: i... didn't say it was a song
Jennifer: i know
Jennifer: i realized that after i said it
Jennifer: it was a bad thing for me to say!

* improv idea
Jennifer: here's an idea
Jennifer: get an audience member up on stage and whisper in his ear to just keep making farting noises
Jennifer: then run away and never come back

Jennifer: remember star trek: the motion picture: I-X?
Wilson: what was it about?
Jennifer: well, the first two hours was about some old people floating through a plate lens visual effect, with lots of nebulae and such...
Jennifer: then the second two hours was about a swarthy man who stuck ding-dang ol' worms in people's ears
Jennifer: it goes on and on and on...
Jennifer: it ends with wil wheaton shedding a single tear into the camera

* youtube youtube_poop
Jennifer: you missed a perfectly good opportunity to quote cheatsy koopa saying "THIS IS A VOLCANO!"

Jennifer: actually, my idea was that it'd turn out we were living on the moon all along, and the earth would be a blank white sphere
Jennifer: and then suddenly, WHAM! it swivels around, it's an eyeball!
Jennifer: and you say "no wonder everybody lives on the far side of the moon!"

Jennifer: remember raiders of the lost fractal?
Jennifer: it went on infinitely......
Jennifer: recursively, too
Jennifer: ebert's star-o-meter exploded at the 11 hour mark, so he left the theater and wrote his review
Jennifer: we have no other record of the film.......

* computer weirdness
Hawaii: what's an ape file?
Jennifer: one of those banzai buddy gorillas
Jennifer: it used to be a parrot
Jennifer: it was better as a parrot...
Jennifer: did I tell you about the time it came back from the dead, just for a moment, then disappeared forever?
Jennifer: I was using the computer, and suddenly the green bonzai buddy parrot appeared in the top-right corner of my screen
Jennifer: waved
Jennifer: then flew away

Jennifer: they've moved the doomsday clock from seven minutes until midnight to five
Alan: who?
Jennifer: the uh
Jennifer: doomsday clock people
Jennifer: whoever they are
Jennifer: brian eno? i don't know.
Alan: brian eno is an ambient musician

Jennifer: let's download "reboot"
Hawaii: you already did
Hawaii: then you deleted it!
Jennifer: ohhhhh...

Jennifer: remember MAUI MALLARD IN COLD SHADOW?
Jennifer: it starred donald duck, but they never referred to him as such, which was weird
Jennifer: they just called him maui mallard
Jennifer: although my research now tells me that there was a predecessor entitled DONALD DUCK STARRING MAUI MALLARD
Jennifer: which.. makes no sense, at all
Jennifer: that'd be like naming your film HARRISON FORD STARRING INDIANA JONES
Alan: why do you have research on an old donald duck cartoon?

Jennifer: they should install motors in office chairs
Jennifer: when no one is sitting in them, they'll slowly swivel forever
Jennifer: so whenever you enter a room, it'll look like someone just left
Jennifer: and you'll momentarily contemplate your aloneness in this vast universe we call life.. and... the universe.

Jennifer: i don't think she-
Jennifer: hmmmmmmmmm
Jennifer: didn't she mention bill nye the other day?
Jennifer: think, Jennifer, think

Susan: why does microsoft get the windows logo AND the internet explorer logo?
Jennifer: you can pretty much completely envision the thought process that went into designing that thing
Jennifer: start off with the obvious ones, like various gas company logos
Jennifer: and then just gradually run out of ideas until you're left using the internet explorer icon and the pizza hut logo
Susan: and whatever that umbrella is
Jennifer: maybe it's just a wingdings icon
Jennifer: it'd be funny if they slipped a couple of those in, hoping no one would notice

Jennifer: the church made an official "whiny baby" pardon decades ago! whining lobbyists were all over it!
Jennifer: gunfire lobbyists remained neutral on the subject!
Hawaii: what about random gunfire lobbyists?
Jennifer: they just fired randomly into the air while screaming "A-YAAAAAHHHHHOOOOOOOO! YYYYYYEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAWWWWW"

Hawaii: what is phoenix's largest tourist attractor?
Jennifer: the grand canyon
Wilson: that's not in phoenix
Jennifer: it runs straight through the middle! I almost fell in once!
Jennifer: they should put up a fence!

Jennifer: i will give it
Jennifer: fifty eight thousand stars out of seven bedroom bedpans

Jennifer: fun fact: color printers all print a virtually invisible pattern of pastel triangles on everything they produce, which forms a code that specifically identifies that printer
Jennifer: the things you print can be traced!
Paige: doesn't it just identify the manufacturer and model of the printer, though?
Jennifer: nope! it connects to the internet, traces your location through your IP, and even does a reverse whitepages lookup to find your name
Paige: i'm suddenly thinking this entire story is full of shit!
Jennifer: the things you print most likely even have your social security number and bra size on them
Paige: why do they need my bra size?
Jennifer: and like, transcripts of erotic dreams you had, and also it says how you'll die

* politics
Paige: in the UK, everybody's genome is added to the government database as a matter of course
Paige: when you get an ID or whatever
Paige: it's a surveillance society
Jennifer: that'd never fly in America, the land of the free and belligerent
Hawaii: unless terrorists blew it up!
Jennifer: well, freedom isn't free.

* politics
Jennifer: mutually assured annihalation is hilarious, really
Jennifer: i mean, we hardly think about russia
Jennifer: it's a joke to us
Jennifer: and yet they could bomb us back to the stone age!

Jennifer: write a song! write a NOVEL! just get out there and PLAY! get your parents' OK to visit GETACTIVE.COM and DO SOMETHING THIS SUMMER!
Izzy: [goes to site]
Izzy: this is obviously not a site about summer activities
Izzy: which makes me wonder if you were misquoting something or just insane

* politics
Jennifer: i live in fear of radical muslims! the kind that go surfboarding, you know?

Jennifer: you already used "by the way" just two sentences ago!
Noreen: well uh...
Noreen: maybe i've got brain damage... by the way?

* star_trek food
Jennifer: tom paris is baffled by a rubik's cube
Jennifer: he really is turning into mike nelson
Jennifer: they look the same, they both laugh at bad cartoons, they're both trapped in space...
Jennifer: hmm, chest pains
Jennifer: only one remedy for THAT
Jennifer: sprite!
Jennifer: and... voyager... and sleeping...
Jennifer: basically, what i was doing anyway
Jennifer: how convenient! truely, we live in a world of marvels

* GE
Jennifer: I was brewed up in a lab by a secretive clan of scientists looking to create the ultimate incarnation of modern woman in all her wonderful and terrible glory.
Jennifer: but they accidently added an extra ingredient to the concoction

Jennifer: a wise man once said there is no greater joy than stealing

Jennifer: is it funny? I had a pretty big chuckle about it.

Jennifer: time to watch 9 seasons of x files bloopers

Hawaii: quiet! make food! make egg!
Jennifer: those last two sentences will be the tagline for my inspirational film about a composer who writes his most beautiful symphony
Jennifer: and later dies in a tragic bird accident

Jennifer: i never took physics, because the physics teacher had an annual activity in which he had all of his students stand in one of the school's elevators and made a note of the weight, or something
Jennifer: and i didn't want to be involved in any activity in which my exact weight would be made public
Jennifer: would be made.. public knowledge..

Jennifer: i watched a movie today
Jennifer: it was about a tiny dwarf man living in the woods of new jersey
Jennifer: it was 85 minutes long, but felt much longer.

Jennifer: the twist ending for the new harry potter film is that harry potter reads "harry potter and the deathly hallows" and spoils the ending for the audience

Hawaii: what happens when you knock over shrek
Jennifer: nothing, the speaker holes are just for show
Jennifer: it's meant to be a learning aid in assisting kids to cope with disappointment

Jennifer: it was about a talking jet that went rogue after it was struck by lightning
Jennifer: at which point it became a moody, rebellious teenager
Jennifer: at one point mission control notices that it has begun downloading mp3s, in an act of defiance
Jennifer: a stray superior asks "which ones?"
Jennifer: a random lackey taps at a keyboard for a few seconds, and says "every one!"

* GE
Jennifer: like that engineered grass for golf courses that escaped into the wild... it just slowly shuffled off like a snake, while the golfers watched in sheer confusion

Jennifer: the best of chris farley is just a clip from his motivational speaker sketch where he's pumping his arms and saying "HOW CAN I _GET _BACK _ON _TRACK?!"
Jennifer: played over and over
Jennifer: with a brief interlude of him falling and destroying various prop tables

* TV house_md
Jennifer: house is on
Jennifer: i switched past the channel ten minutes ago, and he was yelling at someone
Jennifer: i switch past again, and he's still yelling!
Jennifer: the camera hasn't even shifted at all!
Jennifer: the woman he's yelling at is on the verge of tears

Jennifer: in this episode of voyager, harry kim gets to captain an alien medical transport back to their home planet, and learns that being a captain is tougher than he thought!
Jennifer: also, that it's ok to delegate, because people are smart enough to do what you tell them and not just fuck everything up
Jennifer: this stands in STARK CONTRAST to real life!

Jennifer: everything's comin' up Jennifer!

Jennifer: i had a dream where somebody called the earth a dustmote
Jennifer: then some crap about stacy's garage
Jennifer: XXXXX was in it, but he turned into chowder by the end
Jennifer: the last thing in the dream was paul lynde getting shot out of a cannon

Jennifer: there's a girl named megan outside
Jennifer: she has a pointy winter hat
Jennifer: guess what she wants!
Jennifer: she wants to eat your soul!

Jennifer: 'cause you're a fat idiot who lives in a bathtub?

Jennifer: XXXXX got very mad during one conversation where I kept lobbing insults at her, and said I was just jealous of her
Jennifer: I don't know about jealousy, but she has a point, in that she doesn't need to do anything ever, and doesn't do anything ever
Susan: yeah, i don't get the impression you're jealous of me, but you SHOULD be
Susan: because your life sucks, and mine is great!

Jennifer: i don't think you trust in my self-righteous suicide
Jennifer: SOMETIMES I DOUBT YOUR COMMITMENT TO SPARKLE MOTION
Jennifer: you know, 30% of the reviews of s. darko said that and nothing more
Jennifer: which is especially amusing considering it's a line from a different movie

Dealer: what about this crappy meercat you drew?
Jennifer: that's the one you drew!
Dealer: be that as it may...
Jennifer: be that as it may what, you're an idiot??? ?S?D Qafjd

Jennifer: so, just how gay are you
Jennifer: on a scale of 1 to gay

Hawaii: don't have a spectrogram? THEN SHUT YER YAPPER
Jennifer: it's in the basement! don't judge me, hawaii hernández!
Hawaii: I WILL JUDGE YOU
Jennifer: DON'T YOU JUDGE ME

Susan: you know what's good for scaring children?
Jennifer: Susan's face - the song
Susan: just a big old siren! simple, gets the job done

Hawaii: what about pippi longstocking?
Jennifer: yeah, she needs to die
Jennifer: let's brush our teeth
---
Jennifer: it's exchanges like that which make me seem the most insane...

Jennifer: what to do.....
Jennifer: i know!
Jennifer: i'll have you fed to the snorlax!

Susan: be sure to catch me in my community production of hurlyburly
Jennifer: i'll catch you alright
Jennifer: i'll catch you... with... a long hook
Jennifer: to get you off stage

Jennifer: being able to watch degrassi reruns on my computer is an UNIMAGINABLE HIGH! i don't need WEED! AHAHAHAHA! AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!

Jennifer: you've got the comedy cancers
Jennifer: and that ain't no joke.
Jennifer: except when your tumors explode and a BANG! banner on a stick pops out
Jennifer: that'll be a joke

Izzy: what's so great about [college]?
Jennifer: they assign each undergraduate a live pig
Jennifer: and say "just go hog wild with this assignment!"
Jennifer: a small dowry of two truffles is awarded to each successful hog farm

Jennifer: well, it's been 45 minutes
Jennifer: WHERE'S MY PIZZA
Jennifer: WILSON
Jennifer: WHERE IS IT

Jennifer: uh-oh, am i developing a slight... headache?
Jennifer: impossible! i never get headaches. EVER

Jennifer: I'M not a no good hillbilly! i can afford HEADPHONES!
Jennifer: YOU just stick your head next to your sound card and RIDE THE SOUND WAVES, DUUUUUDE!

Jennifer: you must die
Jennifer: i alone am best
Jennifer: you must die
Jennifer: i alone am... you are ham

Jennifer: for SOME reason, I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH PISTACHIOS IN MY BOWL!
Jennifer: WHOOOO
Jennifer: WHOOOOOOOO WILL FIX THIS GRAVE INJUSTICE?

Jennifer: i'd say that YOU'VE moved to the status of LEGENDARY!
Jennifer: NOW ACCEPT YOUR PLAQUE AND HAM
Jennifer: "the league of gentlemen" is on
Jennifer: i hate this show

Jennifer: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Jennifer: your upload speed is like that of a hilarious little turtle in a cowboy hat
Jennifer: who is told one day that he will be the fastest gunslinger in the whole wide west
Jennifer: everyone knows it is not true, and snickers.

Kaylee: being texan is MY thing! I'll have to find her and murder her
Kaylee: and.. everyone else in Texas

Jennifer: whew!
Jennifer: i almost spilled soda everywhere
Jennifer: but, then, luckily, i didn't.
Jennifer: BRRRRRRIIIIING MEEEEE PETERRRRRRR PAAAAAAAAAN.

Hawaii: hmmmmmmmm
Hawaii: HMMMMMMM
Jennifer: SHUUUUT UUUUUUP
Hawaii: :O

Dealer: when i laugh, the monitor tips over backwards
Dealer: it's almost like it's laughing along with me
Jennifer: it'd be funny if it started tipping backwards veeeeeeery slowly
Jennifer: but then suddenly tipped forwards at an alarming rate, and plowed through your head

* comic
Wilson: someone forgot to add a punchline here
Jennifer: well, it's not meant to be so much a "punchline" as it is a "reasonable conclusion"
Jennifer: people are meant to read it and go "Hmm, you know, he's right."
Jennifer: and then they realize that they shouldn't be reading comics while driving on the freeway

Hawaii: i need to defragment my hard drive!
Jennifer: remember that bill cosby movie, "Ghost Dad"?
Jennifer: it was about bill cosby, playing a ghost dad
Jennifer: it was... the worst movie ever...

Hawaii: remember when we lost our memories?
Jennifer: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Jennifer: hmm.

Wilson: Give me two numbers from 1 to 119
Jennifer: 12 9034
Wilson: You didn't follow the instructions.
Jennifer: what the HELL ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?!

* book
Jennifer: oh goody, a comedy sketch based upon "jane eyre"
Jennifer: i remember being forced to read that book!
Jennifer: good LORD was it AWFUL!
Jennifer: jesus CHRIST, what a STUPID POINTLESS BOOK!

Jennifer: china declared war on the USA!
Jennifer: then they copyrighted the words "Happy Birthday" so no american can ever say it, ever again

Jennifer: you whine more than i do! it's always, "OHHHHHHHHH NANOBOTS" this and "OHHHHHHHHHH AN ANT BIT ME IN MY DREAMS" that!
Jennifer: YOUR WHINES WILL FORM A RIVER OF TEARS THAT THE ANTS WILL RIDE DOWNCURRENT ON IN LEAVES AND THEY WILL CRAWL UP TO YOUR HEAD AND BITE YOU
Jennifer: THE PROPHECY FULFILLED!!!!!!!!!

* idea
Susan: how about a show about a porcupine and a crab?
Susan: called "pointy and clicky"?
Jennifer: don't EVER SUGGEST THAT
Jennifer: EVER AGAIN
---
Susan: how about a show about a porcupine and a crab
Susan: called "pointy and clicky"?
Jennifer: how about a point and click adventure based on that show
Susan: how about a show about a pot smoker and an acid junkie
Susan: called "draggy and droppy"?
Jennifer: you didn't make any of these up, did you
Susan: that one came out better than I could've expected
Jennifer: you pitched that prickly and crappy one earlier

Jennifer: well who needs the windows logon ui anyway?
Jennifer: i never use that thing
Jennifer: instead, i use unix
Jennifer: it's made by fat people

* internet
Jennifer: you're the one on the crappy 256k dsl line! clearly an inferior snail walking along a razorblade trapeze tied to a tiny piece of string!

Jennifer: BEEBBLARBLEBLRRRRRRRBBBBB

Jennifer: let's all go to the glittery fountain where hopes and dreams are duly CRUSHED

Jennifer: my whole life is a bunch of terrible non-sequiturs

Jennifer: yes, but that's terrible! YOU'RE TERRIBLE! GO MAKE EGGGGGGGGGG

Izzy: "My own perspective: Overcoming Bias presently gets over a quarter-million monthly pageviews.  We've built something that seems like it should be important.  It feels premature, but I would like to try to launch an online rationalist community."
Izzy: how short does the interval between reading a thing and retching have to be for the retching to have happened unconsciously?

* computer
Jennifer: YES, ITUNES, I AGREE, YES
Jennifer: TAKE MY SOUL AND EAT IT WITH MASHED POTATOES, FINE

Hawaii: i ate too many of a food
Jennifer: and now you're paying the price, fatty porkins!

Paige: A man is the owner of a winery who recently passed away. In his will, he left 21 barrels (seven of which are filled with wine, seven of which are half full, and seven of which are empty) to his three sons. However, the wine and barrels must be split so that each son has the same number of full barrels, the same number of half-full barrels, and the same number of empty barrels. Note that there are no measuring devices handy. How can the barrels and wine be evenly divided?
Jennifer: kill two sons.

Paige: An Arab sheikh is old and must will his fortune to one of his two sons. He makes a proposition. His two sons will ride their camels in a race, and whichever camel crosses the finish line last will win the fortune for its owner. During the race, the two brothers wander aimlessly for days, neither willing to cross the finish line. In desperation, they ask a wise man for advice. He tells them something; then the brothers leap onto the camels and charge toward the finish line. What did the wise man say?
Jennifer: "great savings at arab-mart. visit today."

* internet
Jennifer: Is the internet the greatest propaganda machine ever invented? If so, who for?
Jennifer: I’d never really thought about it, but, yeah, it probably is. As far as whom it’s propaganda for: Well, like most things, what with the slippery slope and all, if we’re not careful – Nazis.

* internet politics 9/11
Jennifer: Yahoo! Answers - What is the funniest 9/11 joke?
Jennifer: there are NO funny 9/11 jokes...this was the worst tragedy in American history and there will never be anything humorous about it.

Hawaii: HASNEEZE!
Jennifer: no one says hasneeze! gggggggeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetttttttt       oooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-

Jennifer: Baaaaaarf!
Jennifer: you made me barf, wilson parker!

Jennifer: the problem with life is, it sucks!
Jennifer: i mean WHAT THE HELL

Jennifer: they're all shuffling their digital feet in embarrassment!
Jennifer: embarrassment for the fact that you'd assume that anyone has ever heard of or seen the alien and the disco ball!

Jennifer: tiny steve jobs goblins would just be sitting around in the RAM, snoring their tiny precious eyes out

Jennifer: perhaps you should consider the following:
Jennifer: you're walking in a hall. a whale eats you.

Jennifer: let's make a cult that posits that chip and dale live in all of our heads
Jennifer: and offer a secret, devastatingly expensive 12-step process to removing those chipmunks from people's heads

Jennifer: our main belief is that chip and dale live inside everyone's head, and the only way to remove them is by slicing open the head and shaking the person's brains out into a duckpond

Jennifer: i will have your gravestone engraved in comic sans
Jennifer: the ultimate insult!

Kaylee: if I could say one thing to the world, it would be "shut up!"
Jennifer: if i could say one thing to the world, it would be "no, YOU shut up, kaylee!"

Jennifer: YOU'RE FAT!
Jennifer: HEY, FATTY! YOU ARE FAT!

Jennifer: several years from now, scientists will develop a new flavor of supercool and name it "ice cold" in your honor
Jennifer: "operation: kill wilson" will succeed in dethroning your statue, and kids will kick your bronzed head around their dust fields

Jennifer: that was going to be the world's largest baked pastry
Jennifer: but then the contractor said "smythe, you blundering dolt! people can't eat STEEL!"

Jennifer: it's a good thing that a scarecrow's one weakness is fire
Jennifer: otherwise they'd run roughshod all over the place!

Jennifer: you need some HELP, buddy?!
Jennifer: i'll help YOU! into a shallow GRAVE!

Jennifer: remember that cliff i drove off?
Jennifer: ow! it hurt

Jennifer: living in a hotel would be nice
Jennifer: you could just sit around all day, living out the sad last years of your life

Jennifer: why does a dog's tail wag? i'll tell you:
Jennifer: it's to express deep concern for the state of our economy.

Jennifer: i remember when i downloaded killer klowns from outer space
Jennifer: but deleted it out of pure terror

Jennifer: those people should be invited to a national "drop dead fred" convention
Jennifer: that's really just a gigantic fish with a gaping maw

Jennifer: i hate it when supposedly professional things have unprofessionally updated websites
Izzy: it really speaks volumes, doesn't it
Jennifer: screw you and your CSS, give the show to some 14 year old and let him put it on youtube! THEN AT LEAST IT'D BE UP IN A TIMELY MANNER

* politics
Jennifer: i will never vote ron paul
Jennifer: not in a million years! nope, you can't make me!

Paige: the skytopia guy makes synthesized digital soundscapes
Jennifer: i hope he digs a synthesized digital soundgrave
Jennifer: for himself

Susan: i wrote one that tweaks imageboard GUIs, but it also secretly removes all mention of the planet jupiter
Jennifer: i should write one that removes all mention of YOU
Jennifer: it will be called "susan WHOnández?"

Jennifer: well, I can't actually find any flaws in your story that aren't overshadowed by the flaws in the original story, unusually enough

Jennifer: i just poured water on the router. Will it keep working? You decide!
Hawaii: why would you do that
Hawaii: whyy would you go and doooooo.. a thiiiiing... like... dooooooooooo

Jennifer: that's the last time I trust HAWAII with any PERTINENT INFORMATION ABOUT MY LIFESTYLE

Susan: you often can't tell how dumb people are in ordinary situations, because they spend their entire lives developing the skills necessary to appear competent in the limited domain of everyday life! but as soon as something unusual comes up, wham! like a box of hammers!

Izzy: anyway it's horrific and it makes me feel bad! never send me another episode!

Izzy: it occurred to me on the ride home tonight that if I could just find it in my heart to hate myself more than I do other people, I might be able to commit suicide

Jennifer: susan is trying to directly connect to me... i don't like it!

Jennifer: why do people insist on being so stubborn?

Jennifer: "Jennifer is an interesting person because of her vast social and moral shortcomings. I suppose she believes that others don't 'get' her and therefore secludes herself in internet chatrooms. Neat."

Jennifer: Well that's the wonderful thing about crayons. They can take you to more places than a starship.

Jennifer: for some reason when I'm looking for tablet PCs on ebay my face gets progressively closer to the screen as if that would somehow help me find a better deal, then my face is less than 6 inches away and I pull my head back

* food
Jennifer: maybe i should start a seafood... goddamnit my ravioli

* food
Jennifer: they should rename this ultimate cheeseburger as "the toomuchfoodosaurus"

Jennifer: a lot of times i feel obligated to talk to jerks just because i happened to be pounding the home and end keys at random when they happened to IM me, and i have no idea if the home and end keys register as typing a response by AIM's standards

Jennifer: YOU'RE so fat, when you sit around the leperous cancer ward for fatties, population: hawaii over at mt. st. hawaii on honolulu, everyone passes by and just looks at you and shakes their head in quiet disapproval, and also they call in a nurse to put you down in the most humane way possible!

Paige: You really come across like you have some sort of horrible disorder.
Jennifer: what was it that was developed by satan's minions? why, it's WHAMMO!

Hawaii: i'll play starcraft some more
Jennifer: i'll sit here
Jennifer: making stinky lines come out of my head

Jennifer: where we're going, we don't NEED runways
Jennifer: because you see, this isn't just an airplane, it's also a car

Jennifer: remember in THE THING when they set the guy on fire and his head fell off and grew some little legs?
Jennifer: that was a good head

Jennifer: the english teacher never shut up about how great wikipedia is
Jennifer: and basically said that all of our information should come from it
Susan: that's pretty close to admitting the class is a waste of time
Jennifer: yes...
Jennifer: that and giving assignments that were meant to vaguely help you organize your goals
Jennifer: the computer information systems teacher gave us random handouts that were just completely, hilariously off-topic
Jennifer: they all seemed to vaguely allude that we could achieve anything if we tried, and used a variety of fonts and clip art graphics to tell us this
Jennifer: one of them featured a picture of the dvd box art for stephen spielberg's "catch me if you can", with a caption reading "'catch me if you can', the life story of frank abagnale", while providing absolutely no context as to why it was inserted onto the page
Jennifer: it was just sandwiched in the middle of all the other general nonsense

Clone-sister: today a third grade girl brought in a giant dead moth she found in her garage
Clone-sister: she kept shoving it in people's faces, telling them to kiss it
Clone-sister: i told her to stop, and she just shoved it in my face...

Clone-sister: whenever the sociology teacher writes something on the whiteboard, her writing will start slanting upwards
Clone-sister: and she'll say "Whoops! a carny i paid to analyze my handwriting once told me that if your handwriting slants upwards, it means you're really intelligent!"
Clone-sister: then she'll continue to omit random letters from words

Clone-sister: earlier today we had a bunch of skywritten messages appear over the school
Clone-sister: all reading GEICO
Clone-sister: that was probably one of the creepier things that has happened at that school so far...
Clone-sister: throngs of kids running around screaming "IT SPELLS 'GEICO' IN THE SKY!"

Clone-sister: whenever i come in early to school, someone's always sitting in my seat in keyboarding
Clone-sister: one time i went in there and there was a kid staring slackjawed at a demo video of a shoe
Clone-sister: it was just a video of a shoe, slowly rotating around in the air
Clone-sister: the kid sat there, completely unmoving

Clone-sister: the sociology teacher is deathly opposed to the concept of "the melting pot"
Clone-sister: i think she believes that it's a literal pot that people are stuck in, where they are then boiled down to a fine cream

Clone-sister: a second grader comes up to me each day, carting around a random kid with his arms behind his back
Clone-sister: playing policeman
Clone-sister: i ask the kid what the handcuffed boy's crime is, and he always says "i don't know"
Clone-sister: he'll probably make a good policeman one of these days...

Clone-sister: today a second grader came up to me and said he had a secret
Clone-sister: i asked him what it was, and he then performed a sieg heil gesture while saying "hitler"

Jennifer: there's your proof

Jennifer: there's probably some liability issues if a client gets blown up. they don't care if we get blown up.

* lie
Jennifer: It wasn't really a lie, but there was a lying element to it.

Jennifer: you're just talking to hear yourself talk now

Jennifer: If we do that we're going to cross the bridge to where the ogres live, and trolls and shit like that.

Alan: When you listen to CDs now, they're fuckin' loud, at least compared to CDs of 'ore. Or... yore... you think I care, jennifer? You think I care if I use the wrong word?

Alan: I know people say "blahblahblahblah", but that's really how it is in this industry.

Jennifer: durotar is free from the clutches of fizzle's league of burning legion, and all i have to show for it are some shoes made from tiger hide

Jennifer: WHO IS BOB HOSKINPS HOPSKIPPINS
Jennifer: that's the title of my new book

Jennifer: the bandit of parrot cove has been found
Jennifer: turns out it was your cousin, mimsy larkins

* TV anime
Jennifer: i'm watching japanese cartoons on tv
Jennifer: they call it "japanamacartoons"

Jennifer: i'd get back to the point, but there never really was a point

Jennifer: Some web sites are awesome, others are boring, and some contain so-called “adult” images and other material that can be dangerous for teens. If you end up in any of these areas, immediately leave by clicking on the Home icon, going to another site, shutting down your browser, or throwing your computer out the window

Jennifer: let's build a movie
Jennifer: out of brick walls

Jennifer: let's put anechoic sound spikes on EVERYTHING
Jennifer: forget the wars on terrorism and drugs, how about a war on ECHOES!

Jennifer: perhaps you are not aware that i was named BRAINOMATIC OF THE YEAR last year!
Jennifer: the only award promoting awareness of automated.. human.. brains.

Jennifer: it was just a personal note that got out of hand

* furry
Jennifer: albert got a sex change, and they cannibalized samuel
Jennifer: then, later, they all turned into furries but couldn't decide on what animal to be

Jennifer: i need to eat some chips, i'm low on calories
Jennifer: sometimes they say, "shouldn't you be getting less than 70% of your calories from fried oils?"
Jennifer: i forgot what i was going to say next

Jennifer: WILSON I HAVE URGENT NEWS
Jennifer: YOUR HEAD IS LOST AT THE AIRPORT
Jennifer: IF YOU DON'T FIND IT WITHIN 20 MINUTES THE BOMB SQUAD WILL BE CALLED IN TO BLOW IT UP FOR BEING UNATTENDED

* offensive religion
Jennifer: because all anarchists go to hell and are forgotten by our lord in heaven and saviour, jesus christ allmighty
Jennifer: has jesus stayed in the hotel of your heart lately, friend?
Jennifer: he masturbates all over the insides of the drawers, then they turn into a bible over the course of 24 hours. It's what's known as a gideon

Jennifer: you're no good, wilson
Jennifer: your face....
Jennifer: i don't like it!

* jennifer's_house
Jennifer: the new girl who lives here whose name i forget, not molly, the new new one, is laying naked on a massage table
Jennifer: mind you, this is IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HALLWAY

Jennifer: NO! NO! A THOUSAND TIMES, NO!
Jennifer: hmm, wait
Jennifer: technically that's just an eggplant pasted onto some random girl's body...

Jennifer: ding! fries are done
Jennifer: buy, sell, buy, sell
Jennifer: it's a bear market, and you're the delicious salmon!

Jennifer: remember that time you got hit by a truck?
Jennifer: "bleeeep, bleeeeeep," went its horn
Jennifer: "Aiee siad wilsong

Jennifer: well, doctors cured my cancer
Jennifer: turns out there's been a life-saving panacea available for every disease imaginable for the past couple of hundred years
Jennifer: no one will administer it unless you ask really nicely, though

Jennifer: available exclusively through sharper image

* tv house_md
Jennifer: House would be better without all this goddamn background music
Jennifer: no, no hospital is this dramatically lit
Jennifer: this is impossible

Jennifer: I'm back! From outer space!
Jennifer: And I've got SPACE HERPES

Jennifer: guess what they passed a law against, last night?
Jennifer: it's babies.

* comic frank
Jennifer: "frank" is an overrated comic
Jennifer: just kidding, i've never read it
Jennifer: but seriously, put it in the kiln

Jennifer: uhhhh
Jennifer: you know, i just started pushing on the armrests of my chair right now
Jennifer: thinking that they were like wheels on a wheelchair that would take me away on a fabulous journey

Jennifer: i don't find spiders terrifying
Jennifer: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH
Jennifer: really, spiders are one of the LEAST terrifying... bugs for me... they're not bugs though... but you see what i mean, right? oh my, yes.

Jennifer: it would be hilarious if firetrucks were equipped with flamethrowers instead of firehoses
Jennifer: in fact, that would be HILARIOUS!
---
Jennifer: oh, wait

* polyphasic_sleep
Susan: supposedly buckminster fuller only slept 30 minutes at a time, four times a day
Susan: he called it dymaxion sleep, because he liked sticking the word dymaxion in front of everything

Jennifer: i need to murder someone
Jennifer: no, wait, scratch that
Jennifer: i just said it because of tourettes, pay it no mind...
Jennifer: for some reason the urge to kill always occurs to me as though it's something i need to write down so i don't forget it, like buying paper towels

* tv
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: in this keebler elf commercial, it's revealed that the elves have constructed a wooden scale bust of a random human
Jennifer: using him as a cookie tester
Jennifer: when the cookie is just right, flags pop out of his ears reading "MELTS IN YOUR MOUTH!"

* food
Jennifer: you know, the only thing i want when i die is a nice deli sandwich
Jennifer: with all sorts of meats and cheeses and bacon, and some premium bread

Jennifer: BOOOOOOOOOO
Jennifer: YOU'RE FAT
Jennifer: BOOOOOO
Jennifer: YOU'RE FATTTTTTTTY BOO

Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: HMMMMMMMMMMM
Jennifer: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Jennifer: BOOOOOO I AM THE GHOST OF PAST GRIEVANCES HERE TO FUCK UP YO' DAY!

* film bad_santa
Jennifer: santa is looking for a stuffed elephant for the fat retarded boy
Jennifer: he cannot remember if the boy wanted a pink elephant or a purple elephant
Jennifer: he turns around to find the midget pointing a gun at him
Jennifer: it seems as though the midget has arbitrarily decided to kill him

Jennifer: i'm quickly going insane
Jennifer: i hate it
Jennifer: aaaaaauuuugh oh god
Jennifer: fddddjjjjjjjjk

* lie
Jennifer: remember my garden of EVIL movie?
Jennifer: it was about grass blades that were alive, and they did everything within their power to stain your light-colored clothing

* lie
Jennifer: remember that movie i made about decking the halls with slawls of holly?

* dream
Jennifer: i dreamt today that my family were going to expand the house we lived in out in the suburbs, way out into some neighboring properties, and that we had hired a city bus, number 14, so that we could tour around through the hills and woods of the suburb and decide where to build, since the immediate vicinity we were not pleased with
Jennifer: and i sugged expanding straight down, and my father said "it's a bad neighborhood down there... all the residents just tickle people with feathers and zap them with cattle prods"
Jennifer: and i said "not ALL of them, what about gnomes?" then i started to sing the themesong to david the gnome.

* stargate
Jennifer: in this episode, major briggs gives samantha carter a folded piece of note paper before they ship out
Jennifer: he says to read it when they get through the stargate
Jennifer: it turns out to just have a big smiley face on it

Jennifer: i thought there was a crack of light under the door
Jennifer: but there's no door there
Jennifer: there's not even a wall

* dream
Jennifer: remember CITOBOR, the tiny invisible robot? no wait, i'm confusing my robots
Jennifer: anyway there was a tiny invisible robot in my dream
Jennifer: he had some nonsense to tell me

* dream
Susan: you know, i had a dream last night
Susan: i forget most of it, but there was some kind of spy drama involving a giant confusing parking ramp
Susan: the guy jumped down through a square hole in the floor, to the level below
Susan: and grabbed my hand, because he knew i would hesitate if he didn't pull me through with him
Susan: the whole thing was handled rather unrealistically by the dream
Susan: i fell like a slinky, and slowly
Susan: headfirst

* dream
Susan: what i do remember is something about groceries, a convention hall on the eleventh floor of an otherwise empty hotel, at which first john mccain, and then the other three presidential candidates were present
Susan: but for some reason, all the people there, most of whom were children, were paying attention to me instead
Susan: i didn't think much of this, which illustrates my incredible narcissism i suppose

* dream
Susan: i was just thinking about how crappy porn is, and then i went to sleep and dreamed about some really great porn
Susan: it's funny because dreams really don't work that way!
Susan: also i dreamed the main room of my house was like four or five stories big and had staircases that didn't connect to anything
Susan: also when i woke up, for a few seconds i couldn't figure out if i was at my computer or bed
Susan: when i wake up without an alarm it confuses me

Noreen: i got a text message on my phone
Noreen: from the phone company
Noreen: it said to press #25, which is the thing they use to deliver emergency information
Noreen: i did, and there was this rambling recorded message about a physics professor named "zertz" or something
Noreen: it sounded like the caller was schizophrenic maybe
Jennifer: I don't even... emergency information? What the hell are you talking about?
Noreen: you know, they tell you to press #25
Jennifer: Are you possibly the victim of some long-running txt scam?

Jennifer: it's funny, as i was entering my house, unlocking the door, i was saying to myself, "merry christmas, ya wonderful old couch!"
Jennifer: and then i said "i have to kill everyone..."
Jennifer: then i realized a girl was standing there, looking perturbed
Jennifer: i was wearing a ski mask, also

* dream
Jennifer: I just dreamed I was attacked by wild dogs out in the woods of a foriegn country
Jennifer: It was interesting because I'd been having a lot of dreams about arguing with my family, and this one started out that way as well. I was against going into the woods, I said "why are we even going somewhere that we need to take weapons?" the weapons were some sort of squeeze bottles with electric shaver looking things attached, I have no idea how you were supposed to use them. I didn't take one.
Jennifer: My father of course took a sort of perverse pleasure in having to prepare for the worst, my mother was just irrational
Jennifer: And barely are we into the woods but my mother's huge nonsensical bike gets stuck and falls over. She says she has seriously injured her ribcage. Then my father and emily, who were further ahead, come running back toward us, being attacked by three large wild dogs. One of them goes for me, and takes a big chunk out of my foot. I look to my father to do something, but he indicates almost his entire right arm has been ripped off, he won't be any help to-day
Jennifer: So I tell emily to stay calm and kill the dogs attacking mother, then the one attacking me. She successfully stabs them in the eyes with a stick. Then I tell her to go get help, and as an afterthought, to give me the stick. I'm left pondering the not-quite-dead dog at my feet as the dream ends.
Jennifer: Despite all the bloodshed, it was nice to be vindicated finally, it seemed like these dreams were a parade of fruitless arguments where no one ever admitted they were wrong.

* jennifer's_house
Jennifer: my mom asked me if i wanted to bring any board games while housesitting my sister's apartment tomorrow
Jennifer: the obvious question to ask would have been "who am i going to play these board games with? the cable guy?"
Jennifer: but i didn't ask that, because my mom's friend was standing right there

Jennifer: yeah, he's in lots of crap
Jennifer: he was in "my dinner with andre"
Jennifer: he played the guy who was having dinner with andre.

* polyphasic_sleep
Jennifer: i was arguing with XXXXX about groupthink and the prevalence of certain stock images of the unknown in our culture
Jennifer: and i was about to say "this has been a real day of you linking me to wikipedia articles about things i learned when i was 12"
Jennifer: but all i wrote was thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Jennifer: because i was on a laptop at a swedish furniture store typing through a railing and i was so tired i couldn't get it together to make words
Jennifer: and so i slid under the railing, which was a dreadfullly difficult operation because of how tired i was
Jennifer: and i noticed it was time for a nap and so i was thinking SEE YOU SUCKERS
Jennifer: but then i woke up and realized that i was sitting at my desk, XXXXX wasn't here, i wasn't really that tired, and it wasn't time to sleep

Jennifer: the other day, when i was stealing a donut at the grocery store, i saw an idiot get himself a tissue, reach into the donut bins with his bare hand and take a donut, then carefully wrap it in the tissue as if it were a delicate flower, and put it in a bag
Jennifer: he then repeated this operation
Jennifer: it clearly was not a matter of absent-mindedness or of apathy, but of a fundamental misunderstanding as to the purpose of sanitary paper tissues

Jennifer: one kid stole a hat, took it off immedietly upon exiting the store, and hurriedly ripped off the tags he had folded inside and threw them away

* weather flood
Jennifer: you want to know how much rain is outside?
Jennifer: so much that i got completely soaked
Jennifer: and i was wearing a raincoat
Jennifer: so much that i could barely keep my eyes open
Jennifer: the streets are flooded
Jennifer: i had to wring out the hood of my WATERPROOF RAINCOAT

* food
Jennifer: cake is made from butterfly cancer
Jennifer: a cake is basically one huge butterfly tumor
Jennifer: sometimes if you buy a cheap cake they'll have forgotten to get rid of the legs or wings

* dream
Jennifer: we went into a building, and i went through a sort of high-tech dumbwaiter on the 6th floor, i pushed the 6 button to just get out at the other side, but it seemed this was a secret code to go down to a basement elevator station with other elevators
Jennifer: or was it a deadly alien trap? for you see, when i pushed a button down there to call another elevator, a voice started talking about how they had created a robot developed to induce fear in humans with its very appearance, and an elevator opened up and this thing came out from under a sheet
Jennifer: i didn't get a very good look at it though, because as it was coming out i just turned it over and let the wheels spin in the air and went back to pushing buttons

Jennifer: we were walking back from del taco the other day, and i saw a pigeon walking along the street
Jennifer: it followed the crosswalk perfectly
Jennifer: i just stood there marveling at that pigeon
Jennifer: until hawaii pointed out that we ourselves didn't follow the crosswalk
Jennifer: the pigeon had us beat.

Jennifer: what? YOU STUPID FUCKER! I WILL FUCKING TEAR YOU APART!

* politics
Jennifer: but first, chimpeach the chimperor
Jennifer: that's right, i said chimpeach him

Jennifer: there was a raccoon in one of my dreams recently
Jennifer: it was used as a customer in absentia for my training at a call center
Jennifer: at one point i handed it a support slip, which it promptly ripped in half
Jennifer: which made it difficult for me to run the support slip through the barcode scanner we were supplied

* summer_camp
Jennifer: in short, the most unimaginably awful job imaginable

* idea scare_tactics house_md victory_garden
Jennifer: you know what'd be a good scare tactic? a guy who pops out and goes BOO!
Jennifer: he could dress like a ghost
Jennifer: that'd be the format for the entire run of the show
Jennifer: you'd have be innovative in where he popped out of
Jennifer: you could sneak onto the sets of other TV shows, for instance
Jennifer: each episode of this show would have only one scare in it, at the very end
Jennifer: everything else would just lead up to it
Jennifer: hmm, but no, then the audience would know when the scare was coming
Jennifer: ok, the scare will occur after a random length of time, and the remainder of the show will be a different show
Jennifer: how's that sound?
Jennifer: so for instance, you sneak the ghost onto the set of HOUSE MD, and then the episode will be the first two thirds of that episode of house, ending with the ghost suddenly popping out of a cabinet and scaring wilson
Jennifer: the remaining third of the episode will be a segment from "the victory garden" with the credits from the ghost show running over it, spaced veeeeeeeery far apart
Jennifer: the episodes will be an hour long, also

Jennifer: maybe i should just go on a killing spree
Jennifer: there's plenty of money in that, right?

Jennifer: let's put out the sun
Jennifer: a. it gets in your eyes
Jennifer: b. hot
Jennifer: c. 

* school
Jennifer: earlier in class, she was telling us the importance of SHOWING, not TELLING, in our essays
Jennifer: she used a real life example, asking us how we would explain being late home if confronted by our parents
Jennifer: one girl said "oh, i'd tell them i got a flat tire on the way home"
Jennifer: the teacher asked, "WHERE did you get a flat tire?"
Jennifer: "on the highway"
Jennifer: "WHICH highway?"
Jennifer: "i-85"
Jennifer: "WHERE ON THE I-85?"
Jennifer: "near the camelback exit"
Jennifer: "there IS no camelback exit!"
Jennifer: "uhh, yes there is"
Jennifer: "well... w... it doesn't SAY 'camelback' on it, does it?"
Jennifer: "yes, it does"
Jennifer: she sort of stopped the little roleplaying session after that point

Jennifer: i went to the grocery store to get a roll of quarters
Jennifer: to do my laundry
Jennifer: but they wouldn't give me one
Jennifer: they said i had to purchase something
Jennifer: so i purchased a sparkly ghost on a stick
Jennifer: for $1.59
Jennifer: then i was like gimmie my roll of quarters
Jennifer: and they said i had to purchase something
Jennifer: and i was like, i just did
Jennifer: and they said i had to purchase something else
Jennifer: so i purchased a candy bar
Jennifer: then they said i had to pay by debit
Jennifer: and i don't have a debit card, so i had to kill the whole lot of them

* lie tv
Jennifer: remember america's funniest home bees?
Jennifer: it was just america's funniest home videos re-enacted with claymation bumblebees
Jennifer: also, instead of an audience of random americans, america's funniest home bees just has nicolas cage

* dream
Susan: i live nearby, so i thought "why not go to wilson's house and enter without knocking?"
Susan: and i did
Susan: i was dressed like a catholic schoolgirl
Susan: or was it a viking
Susan: anyway, i wandered around a bit
Susan: ate some food
Susan: he came downstairs ready to go outside
Susan: and i hid behind a coatrack
Susan: and then i jumped out and put my hands over his eyes and said GUESS WHO!
Susan: i might've been dressed like a caveman that night, actually
Susan: with a yellow plastic club
Susan: i don't recall
Susan: maybe i was just wearing my normal clothes

* art
Jennifer: i figure when my time is nearly up, i'll hire a backhoe and dig out a big pit in the middle of a heavily travelled public park or something
Jennifer: so it'll fill with water and attract bugs
Jennifer: then they can give me another grant to fill it in again

* anime daa_daa_daa
Jennifer: they're from planet otto
Jennifer: which is 14 billion light years away
Jennifer: actually outside the edge of the observable universe
Jennifer: rather excessive for such a comical show, i thought
Jennifer: and hilariously so!
Jennifer: on planet otto, babies can fly, and cats can fly, and everything is done with little UFOs, and, and, cats can take care of babies!

Jennifer: i almost ate this piece of paper, thinking it was a possible cookie or wafer
Jennifer: but no, it's just a crazy letter from the people who want my brain

Jennifer: seasons are a crutch, a substitute for real change
Jennifer: in the end, cyclic change is NO CHANGE AT ALL
Jennifer: the week is crap too!
Jennifer: and also, the day
Jennifer: the sun rising and setting is just BULLSHIT
Jennifer: we should move civilization underground and measure everything in seconds
Jennifer: (or kiloseconds etc. for larger periods of time)

Jennifer: the other day, BOSS1 told me she's partially dyslexic
Jennifer: and that she's glad that she's not fully dyslexic like her brother
Jennifer: seeing letters constantly swarm around in a giant letter soup
Jennifer: that reminded me of all the depictions of dyslexia you see on TV, where someone tries to read and the letters literally start swarming around in a giant circle
Jennifer: and they'll usually say "OHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOO!" and a narrator will tell you about a wacky new drug to help fix your brain
Jennifer: i was thinking that it'd be a lot funnier to just show those same letters in a continuous, non-stop swirl
Jennifer: because, really, why would it EVER end? EVER?

Jennifer: wait a minute
Jennifer: floodworks isn't even a WORD

Jennifer: i'll give you letters
Jennifer: four of them
Jennifer: reading "fuck"!
Jennifer: expansion pack: "you"!

Jennifer: it was created in the world's first free browser image editing suite, as well!
Jennifer: a.viary!
Jennifer: where every program is named after a bird, and to access things, all you need is a horribly unintuitive flash interface!
Jennifer: Closed beta.

Jennifer: of course it isn't, ya big dumb jerkadummy!

Jennifer: maybe i'll ask XXXXX to pass along my brilliant ideas! Then he'll get all the fame and you'll be a chain smoking bum, like the guy who passed up the opportunity to sign the Rutles, played by al franken!

* dream
Jennifer: OK, i was on some kind of school trip, as a child, and it was at a..... place
Jennifer: kind of indoor/outdoor
Jennifer: we were assigned into groups
Jennifer: i got stuck with some other random kid and a popular girl and she was like EW
Jennifer: and me and this other kid, who was mexican or something, snuck off or got separated somehow i forget, and we found ourselves in a part of the.......... place...... that didn't have completely constructed stairs
Jennifer: they were still partly rebar and kind of dangerous looking
Jennifer: we were being chased by a fat security guard
Jennifer: we went up the stairs, and got to a partially finished door, with no knob, you just had to reach through the styrofoam or whatnot and grab for a leverish thing
Jennifer: and so i was holding the door open for the other kid, thinking he should hurry because the security guard was almost upon us, when i see the other kid is way down at the bottom of the stairwell
Jennifer: apparently he's decided we should split up or something
Jennifer: so i slam the door just before the guard gets there, and turn around and go up a few more stairs in the dark and there's an opening to the outside there
Jennifer: and there's some guys up there and one is kneeling next to a long bag with open ends and one end is pointed at me, and he's motioning me to quick go through it
Jennifer: and the bag is yellow, made of some plasticy material, and it's sort of like a body bag... and it's got some blood spatters on it, i can't see what's inside, it's dark...
Jennifer: and i'm like fuck that, i'm not crawling into your meat grinder bag or whatever the fuck, this is fucked up and i go around him and beyond him on this walkway there's another guy in a dress shirt holding out another smaller yellow bag as if to catch the meat chunks that go through the grinder or something, and i go off the edge of the thing and grab onto the guy's sleeve, and i'm hanging on, a story or two above the ground, and there's an audience of people watching this, and there's much conflagration
Jennifer: the guy in the shirt is moaning about how i didn't go through the meat grinder bag, apparently they've tried to get this scene with any number of kids and it didn't go the right way any of the takes and i notice there's a camera crew
Jennifer: and i drop down to the ground and as i make my way past the crowd, who are all sitting on the ground, and wailing and moaning and acting like babies, with white bubbles of milk coming out of their noses or mouths or even ears, people sneezing vast quantities of white goop meant to be baby milk or something, and none have any sympathy for me, the girl who was about to be ground up in a body bag, they only care about this stupid snuff film, and the guy with the bag, it's clear he's just moaning on about this in an effort to get more screen time, and he's removed
Jennifer: it's interesting because the tone of the dream shifted so suddenly from "lighthearted movie with a message about friendship" to "bizarre sadistic child murder"
Jennifer: one can only assume the mexican kid didn't go up the stairs because he knew what was up there...

Jennifer: you might think mutations are the source of evolution! But no my friend, it is the SELECTION of mutations! Most mutations are useless, or even bad! You may not think this is stunning news, but have you ever noticed the large number of silver age comic books where people aquire superpowers through genetic mutation? IN CLEAR DEFIANCE OF THE WAY THINGS REALLY WORK?! COME BACK! I HAVE MORE AMAZING DISCOVERIES!

Jennifer: here, hold this phosphate

Jennifer: liar!
Jennifer: sit in your hole!

Jennifer: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Jennifer: imagine that word as a streamer, flowing gently in the wind

* dream comic achewood
Jennifer: ok, i had another achewood-themed dream
Jennifer: this one had philippe talking on the phone with todd in the first panel
Jennifer: philippe related a todd-themed poem he wrote, but todd decides he doesn't like it and interrupts with his own poem
Jennifer: about his frustrations with playing metroid prime at the library
Jennifer: the second panel has ray and pat, who are looking at philippe off-panel
Jennifer: ray says he never saw the point in poetry, and thinks it's dumb
Jennifer: pat says something pat-like, but i don't remember what
Jennifer: most noteworthy thing about this panel was that pat's head was grossly misshaped, like that of a mantis'
Jennifer: and in fact, the entire comic was completely unfinished, with empty word balloons left hanging, or with certain parts uncolored
Jennifer: anyhow, the third panel was the exact same as the second, but featured a new character sitting in a chair between ray and pat
Jennifer: he introduced himself as reginald cheatingham, and he seemed like mr. bear, except he was a rabbit
Jennifer: i thought to myself, "finally, about damn time they introduce a lagomorph in this comic"
Jennifer: fourth panel was just that same third panel repeated, except with various odd clip art of soccer players inserted
Jennifer: panels five through eight were completely separate of the actual comic, but were instead just some really crude stick figure drawing depicting a sheep leading his dog friend somewhere
Jennifer: in the seventh panel, the dog asks the sheep where they are going, and the sheep says everybodyfoo.com, which was meant to represent the achewood message board
Jennifer: eighth panel, the dog says "ah, well, if that's the case, then i don't follow idiots. goodbye." and walks off in the middle of busy traffic
Jennifer: then after that, there's a long handwritten explanation about how onstad sometimes follows idiots onto the achewood message board, and never ends up there intentionally
Jennifer: and that was that. that was my dream.

Jennifer: you might think astonishingly boring people don't have a negative impact on society, but they do
Jennifer: somehow they always manage to have incredibly horrible children

Jennifer: i should try to get... three hours of sleep... before i have to get up
Jennifer: and face a HORRIBLE NEW DAY
Jennifer: of working with AWFUL LITTLE CHILDREN
Jennifer: frankly, they should all get run over by the streamroller express

Jennifer: the text buffer just said "don delillo" when i returned to it

* invader_zim
Jennifer: so hungry
Jennifer: internet so breaky
Jennifer: base so messy
Jennifer: explosion so close!

* tv 
Jennifer: plugging this tv back in is the LONGEST
Jennifer: most TEDIOUS
Jennifer: PROCESS ON EARTH

* tv tired
Jennifer: watchin' this show
Jennifer: feelin' tired
Jennifer: LAUGHIN' UP A STORM
Jennifer: well
Jennifer: let's go sit in a mud puddle
Jennifer: eatin' mud.

* dream
Susan: see, everybody was raised in isolation, using the same program
Susan: they all had the name katey
Susan: but then, we erased those memories and gave them new fake memories of new, normal lives
Susan: but every now and then, in Situations, we'd have to, like, in this sort of thing overhead, like a catwalk system up a shaft, with a bunch of ropes.........
Susan: we'd have to hose them all down with water that had LSD in it, while playing their real name, katey, on the speakers
Susan: they never knew that was what was going on, and it's a good thing, because if they did, it'd probably freak them right the hell out

* dream
Jennifer: i asked somebody what they thought of XXXXX, who was just standing there openmouthed
Jennifer: they said they hated her, and some kids proceeded to beat her to death and throw her in the ditch
Jennifer: it was getting dark at this point

* internet rss
Jennifer: you know, it doesn't bother me when people don't update, but it does bother me when they make a post just to say SORRY I DIDN'T UPDATE, BLAH BLAH SCHOOL BLAH BLAH BLAH
Jennifer: because it's like getting a message on your voicemail that just says SORRY I HAVEN'T CALLED YOU IN A WHILE
Jennifer: you're just wasting my time, buddy! wait until you actually have something to say!
Jennifer: but that's the difference between using rss feeds and not, i suppose
Jennifer: if you don't use them, and you're going through your daily easter egg hunt to see where the new content is hidden today, finding a note that says SORRY NO EGG :( is better than nothing at all
Jennifer: ideally people would tag those posts with some kind of metadata so rss aggregators would know to ignore them, but as with all accurate-metadata-related speculations, this is a pipe dream...

Jennifer: this jerkoff was in the same year and school as me and he already has a huge wikipedia page http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Tebow
Jennifer: i hate everything! ESPECIALLY HIM

* halloween
Jennifer: last year we had only one group, a bunch of tween girls dressed in slutty incoherent costumes
Jennifer: like, one i recall was a devil, but she was a PINK devil, with bell bottoms, and her pitchfork had glitter on it
Jennifer: what the hell is that?

* halloween
Jennifer: you know what are good, are those creepy latex masks devo wear in their videos
Jennifer: it's my suspicion that they're actually regular stupid halloween masks turned inside out

* halloween
Jennifer: you should dress as a girl wearing the most schizophrenic slutty hodgepodge costume imaginable
Jennifer: devils and angels and witches and princesses and cheerleaders and so on all crammed together
Jennifer: make sure you include the "one horn, half a halo" headgear thing

* dream
Jennifer: later, nathan fillion gave me a safety tour, including the safe way to pour a hamper full of cooked corn and other vegetables into a clothes dryer, light it on fire, and spray a flamable cleaning mist on it with a vacuum cleaner attachment

Jennifer: brazil has an entire class of street kids who aren't acknowledged by anyone else, ever
Jennifer: they're left to wander around and fend for themselves
Jennifer: occasionally they hijack buses and kill everyone on-board
Jennifer: as seen in the documentary "bus 174"

Jennifer: you must feel like stupidest man in universe!
Jennifer: time for you to go on the show of the same name
Jennifer: where people can point and laugh and laaaaaaugh

Jennifer: YOU are wrong!
Jennifer: because
Jennifer: well, let's face it
Jennifer: when are you RIGHT?!

* ebert
Jennifer: Oprah Winfrey was hired away from the Baltimore station to host "AM Chicago." It was opposite the top-rated Phil Donahue. Within a few weeks, Phil Donahue was no longer top-rated. Oprah's show was expanded to an hour and became a smash hit.
Jennifer: At about this time, Oprah and I went out on a date. Well, actually two dates, but the one that made history began when we went to the movies. Afterward, we went to the Hamburger Hamlet for dinner, my treat.

* dream
Jennifer: also: fun fact
Jennifer: megan doesn't exist
Jennifer: she's not based on anyone, either
Jennifer: just a random person the dream decided hung out with us

Alan: I was playing Colin Kelly in that one. Colin Kelly was the guy whose show followed ours. The show was called, "CK Colin Kelly's Spirit of the Radio" or something, and focused on "classic rock" (whatever that means). We frequently pretended to be Colin Kelly and did inane interviews with made-up rock bands.
Alan: One time, we left the show five minutes early, and left this three-second clip playing over and over. It said, "This is Colin Kelly, Spirit of the Radio." In the background, it said "Aaaaaa-sshooooole." Cllin Kelly ended up not showing up to do his show, which was the last scheduled program for the day. The clip ended up playing for eighteen hours.
Alan: Somehow, no one put it together that we were responsible, and all the student DJs got an email advising us not to do anything like that again, whoever did it.
Alan: The funny thing is that we never had anything against Colin Kelly. His show just happened to be on right after ours. I think he eventually came to dislike us quite a bit, though.

* star_trek
Jennifer: i can't really think of anyone on voyager i'd like to hang out with
Jennifer: they're all pretty boring or annoying
Jennifer: actually, maybe that asshole from deck 15
Jennifer: he at least has the good taste not to hang out with anyone ELSE on voyager

* lie muppet
Jennifer: it was from the muppet version of the ten commandments
Jennifer: the red sea scene was especially frightening
Jennifer: did you know that drowned muppet corpses are far more bouyant than human corpses?

* dream
Jennifer: later he sang a long musical number about how i was a lousy worker, to the tune of echo and the bunnymen's "the killing moon"
Jennifer: i don't remember any of the lyrics, but one verse was about how I replied to questions with noncomittal grunts

* alice
Jennifer: you know what would be a good side project, is to go to kate burton's house and shoot her with a gun

* xmas
Susan: After our discussion, the priest held mass at the pole. It was very bizarre. During the Christmas events here we made a giant Easter Island head out of ice. The priest was very disturbed by the sculpture. He felt it was pagan in nature and did not want to hold a mass in its presence.

Jennifer: ohhhhhhhhhh i don feel good
Jennifer: somebody get me a doctor
Jennifer: tell her to bring a cold towel to wipe my brow
Jennifer: and also, some........ ......................... ................ ...... ....... fresh sourdough
Jennifer: and some pea soup
Jennifer: him or her, i should say
Jennifer: it can be a boy doctor too

Jennifer: the point is, water has no nutritional value
Jennifer: it's just an Izzyal lubricant
Jennifer: what do you think someone could live longer on, water or sprite?
Jennifer: the answer is sprite, because it has high fructose corn syrup
Jennifer: you could probably survive on nothing BUT sprite

Susan: and then upstairs, i encountered what were termed in the dream "tallstalkers"
Susan: three of them
Susan: they were robots, or people disguised as robots
Susan: one tall stalk of gray accordian...... or dryer tube ish.........
Susan: and at the top, a head like gypsy from mystery science theater, roughly
Susan: they talked to me, but i forget what they said

Susan: this place reminds me of a dream i had that started out with me reading house of leaves, then watching the events, then participating in them
Susan: i became aware it was a dream as it went on
Susan: reading the book was just flipping through pages of gibberish and mathematical graphs
Susan: watching the events, there were a group of people, your typical "band of annoying young adults thrown together into a situation"
Susan: lost in the house
Susan: which started off more like a cave
Susan: i knew they would all die in the end
Susan: i didn't feel remotely sorry for them
Susan: but i went through a wall to the left
Susan: into an area they didn't go in the book
Susan: it was a dark room
Susan: i could see only by what light from the big room filtered in through the glass doors leading out onto another section of balcony
Susan: through thin curtains
Susan: and i went over to them
Susan: and i could see, on the balcony was a table and there were chairs, and there was a man sitting in one of the chairs, looking out at the curtain
Susan: he was big, he may have been bald
Susan: he was wearing a suit
Susan: and he had a drink of some kind
Susan: i recognized him as the master of the house
Susan: and i was very struck by the fact that we were not supposed to meet him yet, not until much later in the book
Susan: and in fact i was afraid of him, even though i knew it was a dream
Susan: because i could tell he was very powerful in some poorly defined way
Susan: i made myself wake up
Susan: i had the impression, when i went over to the glass doors, that by the fact i had made a noise he knew i was there, and that he knew who i was

Jennifer: good for you! want a prize?! YOU'LL GET SOME NICE CROW TO EAT! BAKED INSIDE YOUR BOOT!

Jennifer: it was so easy.......
Jennifer: so now i'm thinking, maybe lyle tillman was right.....
Jennifer: maybe there IS a secret government department that hands out burlap sacks of cash with dollar signs on them
Jennifer: and that's why they put him in jail, he knew too much

Jennifer: it's like a strip mall of government crap
Jennifer: while you wait, you can page through YE OLD DICTIONARIE OF GAINFUL EMPLOYMENTS
Jennifer: where you'll learn about how you could be a nozzle tender, or a sponge hooker, or a lump room attendent
Jennifer: half the jobs were bleak obscure factory jobs, the other half being jobs monitoring the machines that now do all the crap in the first half
Jennifer: there are also posters that say things like AMERICA'S ELDERLY: CHIPPER, UPBEAT, AND READY TO WORK

Jennifer: i wish i had mantis arms
Jennifer: so i could slice your head off in one fell swoop!

Jennifer: i think the mistake is that a utopia is generally considered to have a lot of people in it, and people are what we hate
Jennifer: they're what i hate, anyway
Jennifer: my utopia has no one in it but me

* dream
Jennifer: his earlier cheerful enthusiastic façade had dropped completely by now and he took out a green pen and began to write down the awful crime i had committed on a napkin, as he couldn't bring himself to speak it aloud
Jennifer: he made many mistakes and crossed out letters and words, randomly rewriting them
Jennifer: he grew flustered and was visibly sweating
Jennifer: i could see what he was writing, upside down, it said "you stuck a cork in the faucet"
Jennifer: i said "i can read what you're writing, and no, i did not stick a cork in the faucet!"
Jennifer: he then suddenly pushed the napkin across the table to me and swirled it around to reveal that it actually said "YOU FUCKED A FULLY-FLYING DUCK IN THE MOUTH"
Jennifer: i stared at this for a moment, then started laughing, and the teacher started laughing, and then the principal started laughing, and we all laughed uncontrollably and then i woke up

Jennifer: try david bowie's all-white food diet

Jennifer: the scary noises you hear on an elevator are just the inner workings of the elevator, or for those unable to understand that, pixies

* goat
Jennifer: let's kill a goat... with a rock

Jennifer: well, what if i have a descendant who's bumbling in a comedic fashion? and she knocks over my urn?
Jennifer: then i would have become a comedy prop
Jennifer: and that's probably the saddest thing imaginable.

Susan: i was in a hardware store once, or some kind of giant stupid warehousey store
Susan: some kind of wholesaler i think, not as publically accessable as your standard giant hardware store
Susan: anyway, it had sections that were just in disuse, and had shelves of stuff, not dusty or dirty, but, untouched for years aparently, and just with a boombox playing music
Susan: anyway, i heard a little tune i thought i recognized
Susan: and i followed it, and i found it was a cellphone
Susan: sitting by itself, on a shelf
Susan: and so i answered it, and it was jesse
Susan: actually, no
Susan: i don't know his name, he thinks I'M jesse
Susan: i told him i had a new number
Susan: he calls me occationally
Susan: i labeled the number jesse, but i don't know his name, that's just who he thinks i am.....
Susan: i often confuse it though
Susan: i left the original phone on the shelf
Susan: he called me a while ago
Susan: apparently he was on drugs of some kind, having a "trip" and wanted someone to talk to
Susan: about the things he was seeing and thinking
Susan: i thought it would be a good opportunity to tell him i'm not jesse

* dream
Jennifer: so i started arguing loudly with them for a while, and then rushed into my room to notice that the clock on my digital cable box had turned into a countdown timer
Jennifer: so i rushed into bed as it reached zero and woke up, the end

Jennifer: you're dumb because you're fat, and you made a dumb name, and you keep saying it's great even though it's horrible and even alex trebek could come up with a better name, and he's CANADIAN!

Jennifer: that's a dumb lie and you know it, dummy! they made a card game after you, and they called it GIN DUMMY!
Jennifer: then maxis made an affectionate homage to said card game, and called it SIM DUMMY! STARRING XXXXX! don't you see what i'm getting at?!

Jennifer: "Dear Penthouse: I never thought this would happen to me, but one day I came home from a long trip early in the morning, with my dog Andy, and found my wife with both of her hands touching another lady! Andy is a St. Bernard! The lady who isn't my wife was blonde, and my wife was wearing her robe! They leaped away from each other when I came in, and yet it still made me feel funny, somehow, as if I were seeing something unlawful! Andy sure is a good old dog! That's why I take him on trips, instead of my wife! Later, my wife told me she had changed her hair, but I didn't notice. I hope you print my letter! Sincerely, Mark Trail."

Jennifer: i remember once i was on a train
Jennifer: in the observation car, with the big windows, you know?
Jennifer: and there was a fat girl, staring out the window with her mouth open
Jennifer: slowly eating potato chips without looking at them

* star_trek
Jennifer: god these people are dense
Jennifer: it's so obvious that the "spirits" are aliens i didn't even realize it needed to be acknowledged
Jennifer: but apparently they haven't figured it out yet
Jennifer: i'll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume the episodes were aired out of order, but EVEN STILL

* star_trek
Jennifer: i remember one episode, data had a telephone in his chest cavity
Jennifer: and he got a call from sigmund freud, and freud said "kill zem. you must kill zem all before it's too late"

* internet
Jennifer: well that's funny, because i've TRAINED an entire MURDER of crows! or ravens, i forget which one is the murder, but either way, once i find a map of the US i'll have them fly to [state] and they'll peck your eyes out.
Jennifer: i usually have a map of the US readily available for such an occasion, but the crows hid it as a cruel prank at my expense

Jennifer: oh, sausages. I thought you said "saucy jizz".

Jennifer: i need a CD thing to put this DVD in

Jennifer: also whenever someone would try to talk to me about work, i'd yank on my tie and pretend to be strangling myself until they stopped

* dream alien
Jennifer: they provided us some of the devices they used prior to when they all died, but we couldn't figure out how to use them, at all! it was horribly complicated!

* dream
Susan: i'm hurt the worst, but the girl has to treat the guy first, in the bathroom of this arby's, because his arm is broken, and if she doesn't fix HIM, he won't be able to get ME to the hospital or wherever we're going, and i'll die
Susan: in my state, she knows she can't just stick me anywhere though, because my judgement is impaired, and i might do something stupid and attract attention
Susan: so, knowing what the drug i use does, she sticks me in the entryway, with the automatic doors, where there's the shopping carts and a display thing of deep fried bacon and soft drinks and various arby's products that are being somehow demonstrated
Susan: it's currently unmanned, and she's planting me as the salesman
Susan: and i immediately grab the two full soft-drinks and start juggling them and telling everybody about arby's food
Susan: because the drug is also a truth serum though, i tell the truth about how arby's makes it food, and it's not pretty
Susan: the manager grimaces and facepalms. the end!

Jennifer: one of our birds died recently
Jennifer: the green bird
Jennifer: it took me a while to discern his corpse among all the bird crap and leaves lining the floor of the cage
Jennifer: when i found it i yelled "hey, why'd you go and do that!"

* jew
Jennifer: so basically an oreo pizza's pizza sauce is just melted creme
Jennifer: it is.. step one of the jews' plan to kill our nation's most obese

* dream
Jennifer: i generally am a teenager in my dreams, because i forget i'm not

* jew lie
Jennifer: ready to learn about the jewish shivah?
Jennifer: seven days after a jewish person dies, their family congregates in a house and remains stationary for seven days
Jennifer: visitors are free to walk in the house as they please, and remain in silence until the mourners choose to address them
Jennifer: there they all sit, not eating and moving
Jennifer: by day five they typically reach a state of catatonia that is exclusive to jewish people
Jennifer: this is where the original golem myth originated

Jennifer: let's consult the orb of the prophets

* dream
Susan: the characters in my dreams all seem like underpaid extras, milling about
Susan: who haven't been given any lines
Susan: celebrity guest stars are an exception

* dream
Jennifer: i liked my end of the world dream the other night
Jennifer: one part that stands out is when i looked up at the stars and thought, this was the last time any of us would be able to look at them

Jennifer: i always feel like i simultainiously have too much time and not enough time
Jennifer: too much time to waste, but not enough time to do anything important

Susan: in theory, anyway, most of the time i just don't care enough to try
Susan: that's one of the ugly sides of being human, but also a hilarious side
Susan: i know that my actions have infinite consequences, but i spend all day reading about waluigi

Jennifer: BYE
Jennifer: wait, no, not leaving

Jennifer: that's hilarious
Jennifer: he reminds me of XXXXX in that way
Jennifer: "do you go to college? THEN SHUT YER YAPPER"

* imaginaria
Jennifer: i think maybe those marching pencils are the root cause of all my insanity
Jennifer: i've been feeling increasingly insane all day

Jennifer: a window is just a light that turns on and off by itself and a badly framed picture of your neighbor's wall

* Jennifer's_sister
Jennifer: she went on to fame and glory and became a firefighter or an astronaut or something
Jennifer: i think she lives in space

Jennifer: you know what annoys me about stories about misfits, is that before the end of chapter 2, they always find some people like themselves to buddy around with
Jennifer: i guess it's hard to write otherwise
Jennifer: the gifted/troubled schoolkid story is the prime example
Jennifer: the other kids are a bunch of dicks, the teachers are idiots, the principal is some douchebag with a mustache
Jennifer: but there's always that ONE teacher who understands...
Jennifer: the thing is, it's not like i was picked on in school
Jennifer: it was a pretty low-key environment
Jennifer: and it's not like i was too different to fit into the evil pigeonholes of the corrupt state curriculum
Jennifer: i wasn't shy, i had friends
Jennifer: not good friends, but friends
Jennifer: and yet, at the end of the story, it was a bleak experience, the kids WERE dicks, the teachers WERE idiots, and the principal was a douchebag with a mustache
Jennifer: and there was never any shining exception, i got through it all on my own
Jennifer: what's the moral of that?

Jennifer: remember that line from hermann loves pauline, "we have ways of making you think"?
Jennifer: i wish i DID have ways of making people think
Jennifer: it's my lifelong dream...

Susan: one drop of artificial strawberry flavoring is enough to flavor an olympic sized swimming pool
Jennifer: is that a metaphor?
Susan: no, it just randomly popped into my head

Jennifer: I CAME TO MILWAUKEE FOR ADVENTURE, NOT LESSONS

Jennifer: anyway, i guess what i'm saying is, i can't help you

Jennifer: Print advertisements, carrying tag lines such as "Pot. It mightn't kill you, but it could turn you into a dickhead", will appear in youth magazines and on bus stop posters.

* sea_world
Jennifer: you know what's the worst water ride for getting wet, is shamu at sea world, which isn't even a ride, it's just a whale that you observe
Jennifer: they demarcate the first two thirds of the bleachers as the "splash zone" but really it doesn't matter where you sit, you get drenched regardless
Jennifer: like, "might as well have been underwater" drenched
Jennifer: and then a mime makes fun of you, because sea world has mimes, apparently

* internet IM
Jennifer: sticking that stuff in the window log is one thing the old version of aim did right, GUI-wise
Jennifer: google talk doesn't do it, it just leaves you talking to no one
Jennifer: but it helpfully gives timestamps a new line whenever a minute goes by without messages
Jennifer: so out of the corner of your eye, you see somebody say something, but no, it's just google talk telling you that a minute has gone by

* food
Jennifer: i need to stop eating cheerios out of the box

Jennifer: the third grade librarian caught me reading MY TEACHER IS AN ALIEN or something like that once
Jennifer: she asked what it was about, i explained the part i was reading was about a teleporter, she said "that's why it's called science FICTION and not science FACT!"
Jennifer: as though she was pronouncing me guilty of treason
Jennifer: then she walked away
Jennifer: every single person in that school was an irredeemable idiot and i knew it from the moment i walked in the door

Susan: everyone thinks the truth will eventually be revealed if it's important enough
Susan: it's story logic
Susan: just as the earth is always saved, the mystery is always solved
Susan: in fact, the existence of mysteries is actually COMFORTING to us, because we know they have to be solved before it's over
Susan: loose ends are our insurance that there will always be a sequel
Susan: but real life doesn't work this way

Jennifer: if you say so... ch... chicken little... ff.... n........scaredy....................l...........................cowarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr......... cowardly lion!
Jennifer: it took me a long time to think of an animal known for being fearful

Jennifer: of course you did! shut up!! a thousand times shut up!

* mtg
Jennifer: i had a deck that was all about tidal krakens
Jennifer: which are like 6/6, totally unblockable
Jennifer: it was hilarious, largely due to the fact that it was a proxy deck and i just drew a really childish doodle of a monster for the kraken
Jennifer: later it turned out about 90% of the cards in that deck were banned.
Jennifer: right now i'm playing with a deck proxied on three levels
Jennifer: the cards themselves are foriegn and written on with sharpie
Jennifer: sometimes twice
Jennifer: and then there's a scrap of paper with some words and pictures
Jennifer: the words are crossed out with new words written and the picture has been modified into a new picture
Jennifer: which usually makes no sense
Jennifer: and then whatever it says it is, i just look up on a table to see what it really is
Jennifer: like for instance, this izzet boilerworks has been crossed out and the boiler made into a head, the pipes becoming the arms
Jennifer: of a darksteel collusus
Jennifer: but it's really some goblin.
Jennifer: lucky for you

Alan: if i go crazy, i'm blaming you

Noreen: -that vibrate your chair when there's an earthquare or when the monster is goring the low-frequency animal or whatever

Susan: you can use your own analogy

Susan: I have my price. I'll write a number down on a dinner napkin and slide it to you.

Susan: -regardless of their sexual orientation-

Alan: I'm failing to understand you on a very fundamental level. I have no idea what you're talking about.

Jennifer: this is not the correct peppy the pineapple
Susan: humanity's habit of putting faces on things is one of our weirdest, really

Noreen: the word "burglarly" has now lost all meaning in my mind
Noreen: to the point that i can't even pronounce it, apparently

Susan: it'd be funny if fireworks provoked laughter in people, and funny things provoked awe and wonder.
Susan: well, I guess it would be more awe-inspiring than funny.

Izzy: my dad made steak and eggs and served me a plate this morning
Izzy: it was probably the most intimidating plate of food i had ever seen in my life
Izzy: it was foodier than food, it was like a cartoon of food

Wilson: it sounds more like your fault than his!

* dream
Susan: i woke up and i found i had left a can of some kind of soda, started with Q, sitting on a trilogy of books, and that while i slept, it had burst in the jungle heat and soaked through all three

* dream
Susan: i was on an airplane, explaining idioms to people
Susan: and i had to do a scene from rocky and bullwinkle to explain "that's how the cookie crumbles" and everyone laughed uproariously
Susan: and i said "well, it wasn't THAT funny..."

* dream
Susan: i had a dream tonight about something coming... i can't remember if it was a literal storm, or something like a storm
Susan: near the end of the dream, i was standing on top of a building, it was one of those nights with a low fog and everything was suffused by a yellow light
Susan: and there was a sense in the air that this thing was coming
Susan: and then suddenly... it didn't
Susan: and as weird as the thing itself was, the fact that it didn't happen was even weirder
Susan: i woke up with this vivid impression of waiting for a giant shoe to drop
Susan: like something is going to happen
Susan: and not just to me personally 

* dream
Susan: the last part of it was about this very big.... place, kind of a combination theater / circus / waterpark, with a lot of elements that broke the fourth wall
Susan: outside in a giant dumpster there was a giant gorilla

* dream polyphasic_sleep
Susan: i fell asleep in this chair and dreamed it was night and a girl climbed in the window and talked to me for a bit
Susan: i was so tired i wasn't sure if she was real or a hallucination
Susan: i asked her
Susan: she said her name was Lilthy
Susan: she looked a lot like a girl i knew from the internet who read me half a moomintroll book over the phone and then disappeared
Susan: it's rare to have a dream that starts off seamlessly with reality like that, although you see it a lot on TV and such

* dream
Izzy: my most recent dream, though, was about having a big plastic box that had a bunch of little colored plastic bits and pieces in it, like legos sort of, and finding that it had a series of holes in the bottom and all the millions of tiny clear bits had fallen out onto the floor and i had to pick them up
Izzy: quite a relief to wake up from that one

* house_md
Jennifer: time to burn house
Jennifer: by which i mean, burn the latest episode of house md onto a CD........
Jennifer: not burn down the house
Jennifer: i need a sharpie.....

Izzy: one of the weirder moments in recent memory for me was when I was trying out Second Life
Izzy: I was walking around aimlessly and found a gigantic complex of crazy trees and one of them was a tree house
Izzy: I climbed up the spiral staircase to the house itself, and entered, uninvited, turned on the lights
Izzy: there was a TV inside with some video tapes next to it of feature length movies I'd never heard of
Izzy: I put one on, then sat on the couch and watched the first five minutes of it, then left
Izzy: the tree house was pretty ornately decorated
Izzy: whoever lived there had easily spent hundreds of hours and dollars on the game

Alan: queens of the stone age has a very distinctive sound
Alan: they use that double kick a lot
Alan: DONK DONK donk donk DONK DONK donk donk

Susan: as a kid i used to be in the back of the car a lot, at night, looking at the road going by out the window
Susan: already having a rudimentary sense of how the universe worked, but not really able to fit my personal experiences into the framework
Susan: lost in a fog for years and years

Izzy: the clouds are moving incredibly fast outside
Izzy: the contrails are just sliding right along
Izzy: even that airplane looks like it's being carried with the wind

* dream false_awakening
Susan: I just had a weird dream
Susan: actually, i don't remember the dream, just how i woke up
Susan: i woke up out of it sort of slowly and groggily, and emily was rubbing my back
Susan: and we said some things, i forget what, and then four things happened at once
Susan: i turned around to face her, it dawned on me that this was a false awakening, there was a nonsensical flurry of blankets and people and for some reason, a penguin, and the shock of it woke me up for real
Susan: it was as though the stability of the false awakening hinged on me believing it, and as soon as i didn't, it collapsed
Susan: for some reason, the awakening took place in an old house, from years ago, where we had murphy beds, those beds that fold up into dressers, you know?
Susan: anyway, the contrast was quite severe, between the adrenaline of the nonsense at the end of the dream, and the sudden calmness of waking up here
Susan: but then, what feels like hours later, i realized i was still dreaming
Susan: and instantly woke up again
Susan: this time everything was in the right place, i knew the details of my new room, what building i was in, the time of day was right, i was even sleeping in the right orientation on the bed. i could distinctly feel the sheets pressing into the left side of my face, to the extent that i think maybe this is what woke me up.
Susan: But i still wasn't awake.
Susan: there then immediately followed several more false awakenings, which now that i was looking for them i had the experience to identify. as often happens, both with my sleep paralysis and with the fake sleep paralysis that i sometimes get in dreams, i would seem to "partly" get up, like an out of body experience. i'd feel myself moving, but not be able to see myself, or my vision would remain attached to my body, which was still in bed. my eyes would not open fully. and i could hear, in the background, the music that i had left playing softly on the computer. i heard a knocking at the front door to the apartment, and i knew it was jeff, who had come to go to best buy with me. and so i tried to wake up, so i could go answer the door, but found it impossible to do so, due to paralysis and false awakenings. they seemed to go on so long that i worried jeff might leave, or that my roommates might have to let him in, and at one point i thought i felt myself being prodded by them.
Susan: i heared them talking, i had a false awakening in which i got up and walked through a hallway that's not there, to see it was the cable guy or something.
Susan: after a while, the jeff aspect faded out, i figured either that he was gone or that he'd never been there in the first place. i changed tactics and rather than trying to wake up, just tried to spin it into a normal lucid dream. i jumped out the window, and down on the street there was an outdoor cafe. I went over to a table where a girl with red hair was reading a book, and then "woke up" again. this time i couldn't get to the window, because of a sort of vision glitch. i felt that i was moving forward, but didn't see anything change. so i felt behind my back and opened the door, and as i went through it, perhaps due to a change in the music, i woke up for real.
Susan: now that i was really awake, i realized that my dream awakenings had portrayed the room inaccurately, that the ceiling is lower, there's no junk, the window doesn't exist, and that i don't live in an apartment. the odd thing about the last awakening was how mundane it was. i could immediately tell the difference between reality and dream, but there was nothing dramatic about it. it was just a matter of detail.
Susan: as i was writing this, jeff called for real, about going to best buy. i don't know if anything i heard in the dream was real, except the music i heard, and "seinfeld #1.mp3", which is one of leonard richardson's friends imitating seinfeld. I remember i heard the part where he was complaining about windows around the time i exited through the window.

* dream
Susan: dreams are downright bizarre. if you came from a world where nobody dreamed, and you were at the writer's table of a sci-fi show, it'd be hard to even pitch the idea.
Susan: you'd say "there's these aliens, right? and they all spontainiously go unconcious every night, and during that period of unconciousness, they enter nonsensical virtual worlds."
Susan: and the head writer would say "ok, and why does this happen? is there a machine somewhere-"
Susan: "no, no."
Susan: "is some big telepathic creature trying to communicate-"
Susan: "no, no, nothing like that. it just happens, their brains just evolved to do that."
Susan: and they'd all kind of look at you in consternation
Susan: and you'd say "nobody knows why..."
Susan: and it's season 5 and they're running out of ideas, so they use it, but the fans think it's stupid, and the nocturnally fainting hallucinating aliens are never mentioned again.

* dream
Susan: there were these things
Susan: they looked like big clear icosahedrons
Susan: there were some number of them, and they were very important somehow
Susan: and this evil entity was buying them up
Susan: it was extremely important that he not get them all
Susan: it wasn't like he was a shady mobster who would resort to stealing, though
Susan: it was more metaphysical than that
Susan: it wasn't about using these things to do some kind of magic, it was the ownership itself that mattered
Susan: he worked through very intangible means
Susan: deception, obfuscation
Susan: there was a sense of urgency

Susan: i hope nothing i do is ever described as having "a healthy serving of comic surrealism"

Susan: my grandfather actually enjoyed work
Susan: he was the kind of person who would be baffled that other people wouldn't want to roll up their sleeves and paint a house

* dream
Susan: i dreamed that i went for a walk the other night during a bit of a storm
Susan: there was lightning and it rained off and on, so i had an umbrella
Susan: and i decided to just walk in one direction
Susan: pretty soon i found myself in an area i hadn't been before, there was a fountain, some condominiums
Susan: then a hill, and then i ran into a T intersection
Susan: but, there was an odd driveway-like path leading into the woods and houses there
Susan: i say driveway-like because there was a curb in front of it
Susan: so it clearly wasn't an actual driveway
Susan: and i walked down it, and it sloped downwards, with woods on one side and a yard and a big house a ways on the other, and then it just sort of...... petered out
Susan: it was dark enough that i couldn't really see it
Susan: the dream wasn't in color, you know?
Susan: except occasionally when the lightning flashed
Susan: so i went on anyway, and said to myself "is this sombody's YARD?"
Susan: there was grass, then, at the edge of the woods, a sort of cobblestone path with very poor footing
Susan: and this lead to another area of grass, and then more cobblestones... and i kept expecting this to lead to a backyard or something
Susan: but instead the path just got narrower and after a while it was simply a path through the woods
Susan: which i could only just see
Susan: it was a perfectly good path, but the light was very dim
Susan: it's good i had the umbrella to push through the wet leaves
Susan: and it was strange, because it just kept going

* dream
Susan: i wasn't sure if they were real ones, or made up ones, or ones that had happened in the future and were thus made up for the dream (which took place in the future) but not in the fiction OF the dream

Susan: the problem is that theology is so squirmy and vague that it has very little structure to take apart and reassemble, it's all surface fluff
Susan: alternate-universe theology isn't nearly as interesting as alternate-universe science
Susan: we have plenty of "alternate" theology in our own universe
Susan: and if you make up an alternate reality where supernatural entities interact with the world in reproducible ways, then an educational show about them moves back into the domain of science

Susan: you know, it wouldn't be that hard to make an illegal muppet movie
Susan: you just need muppets that look just like the real muppets, and voice actors who sound the same

Susan: he acts entirely normal, but something about him makes my hackles rise
Susan: he has this SMELL
Susan: i can't place it as organic or artificial
Susan: it's like, Default Smell
Susan: Smell Classic
Susan: except it's a little bit off somehow
Susan: like it's the store brand version

Susan: we used to be classmates or something in like 1st grade
Susan: actually i guess we weren't. we weren't neighbors, either. i don't know how we knew their family.
Susan: her father was a doctor, they were substantially wealthier than us
Susan: they had room in their house for a two or three story christmas tree as i recall
Susan: as a child, she had an inability to read facial expressions, which resulted in weird insensitivity
Susan: she broke a multicolored pencil i had, and she also kissed me against my will
Susan: as an adult she bears no resemblance to who she once was
Susan: if i didn't know she was the same person i would never have guessed

Susan: the burden of living in a society is that your identity is built of a thousand reflections of that society

Susan: other than in a legal context, why does it matter what's art and what's not?

Susan: in minnesota we call an ATM a "time machine", because time is money.
Susan: which baffles people when you travel
Susan: "i'll get some money out of the time machine" you say, and they just stare at you

Susan: it's not really possible to tell the difference between knowing something and only thinking that you know it

Jennifer: i read a book as a kid with an alien who crashes on earth or something, a big furry invisible monster a kid finds in the ravine at the edge of the school grounds where you're not supposed to go
Jennifer: or a junkyard or something
Jennifer: and this alien Doesn't Understand fiction

* dream
Susan: i was a timecop named johnny photon
Susan: we were captured by a villian we knew named Dr. Phantom
Susan: a thinnish man in a stupid costume
Susan: he had also captured a grim, heavily armored villian of ours named DESTROTRON
Susan: there was a super deadly virus going around, everyone knew billy boson was infected with it
Susan: but dr. phantom was worried he had it too
Susan: so he ran blood tests on all four of us
Susan: dr. phantom was clean, as was DESTROTRON, but billy was heavily infected
Susan: it seems the virus was in the super serum that he and i both got our powers from
Susan: then i was tested
Susan: i was totally infected too. And in a shocking twist, the lab results indicated that the super serum was actually made from my blood in the first place

* dream
Susan: hills, at any rate
Susan: which are......... huge, and yet
Susan: not mountains
Susan: hills the size of mountains, in a way, but very tricky
Susan: long slopes, depending on perspective
Susan: fields, trees, but not........ i can't describe, really

* dream
Susan: up over the hills to the left, the clouds are moving quite fast
Susan: in fact, they're swirling together, in a weather phenomenon that can't be good for the human race
Susan: going into darker colors, purple, blue, red
Susan: a strange vortex
Susan: i say that it's awesome, and somebody should take a picture
Susan: my mother has come outside, and she insists we all go in because it's dangerous
Susan: it does look dangerous, but more in the way of a nightmare than an actual weather phenomenon
Susan: the vortex drips down into a monster
Susan: and violating perspective, the monster touches down in our front yard
Susan: it's still changing shape, but it seems to be twice as tall as a person and bipedal, kind of cartoonish
Susan: it's coming toward us
Susan: its final form looks kind of like this green guy, but red

Susan: years ago, i was going to write a novel, about a teapot factory
Susan: a giant, sprawling, crazy, three dimensional, endless teapot factory
Susan: that basically just moved infinite amounts of teapots around on conveyor belts and such
Susan: accomplishing nothing
Susan: the characters were employees of this factory, who lived and worked in it and presumably were born and died in it
Susan: for some reason, something goes wrong and they have to set off through the factory, and most of it is totally automated but sometimes they run into other groups of workers, who have totally different philosophies regarding teapots
Susan: like, in a zone far below, rather than being meticulously inspected and sorted and such, teapots are dumped from giant bins and swept up and generally treated like trash
Susan: endless amounts of them pouring out of chutes into huge troughs
Susan: i don't think i ever got any further than the first sentence, "Alice watched them go by."

Susan: it reminds me of that part in DCTDHMTP where they find more science high

Susan: "In practice, the goal of skepticism is not the discovery of truth, but the exposure of other people's errors. It plays a useful role in science, religion, scholarship, and common sense. But we need to remember that it is a weapon serving belief or self-interest; we need to be skeptical of skeptics. The more militant the skeptic, the stronger the belief."
Susan: and i agree
Susan: but he is dishonest about his reasons. he, like everyone else who espouses this thing, was swayed to it not by simply taking a nice step back and observing the general folly of everyone, but because he believes in things which are greeted with withering skepticism by the mainstream
Susan: in sheldrake's case, telepathy
Susan: it is disturbing and depressing to track down the mistakes in his experiments which result in apparently positive evidence for telepathy, because they are subtle enough that most people on the other side of the fence do not see them
Susan: in most fights between sheldrake and some spokesman of the status quo, sheldrake is wrong for the right reasons and they are right for the wrong ones
Susan: but in the end when sheldrake is presented with the underlying wrinkle that sours his data, he does not accept it
Susan: in the case that i found, the wrinkle was penetration of the blind study via the test subjects learning the patterns in badly pseudorandomized sequences

Susan: nobody can get credit and all the businesses close down and everybody gets fired and rioting in the streets and people running around with poo on their heads?

Susan: he was both our neighbor and mailman
Susan: an odd relationship...

* school
Susan: i remember i got up in front of the class and explained how factorials worked or something
Susan: or how the number 720720 was divisible by the numbers 1 through 16, something like that
Susan: and after i got done explaining, everyone just stared at me
Susan: in utter incomprehension

* cold
Susan: in third grade our playground was entirely a hill
Susan: in the winter we were given makeshift sleds to go down it
Susan: literally just plastic sheets with handles

* travel
Susan: pretending you've been to another country is very easy
Susan: you just tell a story of something that happened to you, or somebody you know, and say it was in another country
Susan: it's especially easy if the story is "i watched tv in my hotel room"

* food
Susan: i could go for some soup
Susan: with really dense crackers

* food
Izzy: i'm the world's biggest most pancakeless idiot........

Hawaii: boom.

Hawaii: minus infinity

Hawaii: it's a huge, dark room, full of shelves
Hawaii: and shelving units!

Hawaii: Are shooting stars really stars, or are they pieces of the moon?

Hawaii: your website is like some sort of drainage ditch of the internet with a lobster trap in it

Hawaii: if you level up your voice deepness, "ohhhhh yeah" turns into "awwwwwww yeah"

Hawaii: hey, HE'S NOT CHILI!
Hawaii: *mild pout*

Hawaii: sometimes i stick various remote controls on my shoulder
Hawaii: like they're parrots

Hawaii: i love how the horses positive/negative
Hawaii: that sentence wasn't complete but you know what i mean

* reincarnation
Hawaii: vyyyyyyoygiyyyy-08y 
Hawaii: that's your trouble ticket
Hawaii: write it down or you'll have to start all over when you die

Hawaii: i wish i had a giant barrel!
Hawaii: full of... ale
Hawaii: no wait, rubies!

Hawaii: but she just says "ohhhh, i don't know about THAT!" as if they're just a small tempting goblin diverting you to an early road to the grave

Hawaii: ohhh flimsy
Hawaii: flimsy, flimsy, flimsy, flimsy, flimsy, flimsy, flimsy, flimsy flimsy, fslimy flimsy , sflimsy, fslimsy, flismy fm lismy lismyf flolfmsy, slfiskym ,f skiylms flimsy, smylifmy lismf yl flsimy

Hawaii: send me all your rik mayall pictures!

* idea film
Hawaii: okay, new idea
Hawaii: a movie about a rock that slowly grows in size every day for a year, fifteen kilometers per day
Hawaii: until it goes so fast that it breaks the sound of light
Hawaii: everyone tips their hat at this rock!

Hawaii: one thing i like about mexico is how our supreme court is great
Hawaii: compared to your corporate run, money grabbing, grabber men

Hawaii: i live in a MADHOUSE!
Hawaii: full of MADNESS!

Hawaii: everyone's acting like a dummy now that my sister got into another car crash
Hawaii: all yelling and pots and pans and giant clouds of roaming dust representing angry heated battles, arms and legs poking out occasionally

* space
Hawaii: i'd like you to meet eta carinae
Hawaii: it's four million times brighter than the sun
Hawaii: it emits so much light that it counteracts the force of gravity laws
Hawaii: and now it will explode!

* food
Jennifer: sometimes i get confused
Jennifer: and then i want some soup
Jennifer: but i never get it

Hawaii: the underground railroad

* eye
Hawaii: i have an eye appointment tomorrow
Hawaii: they're going to check and see if i have both my eyes

Hawaii: let's m...ake om... m... sotar... i messed up that sentence
Hawaii: i will go to sentence jail

Hawaii: maybe he fell into a house

Hawaii: yarrrrr, wilson! today is TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY, yarrrrr! be PIRATIN' YER DUBLOONS on this fine day, yaaaaaaarrrrrrrr! yarrrr yarrrrr!

Hawaii: remember thaaat gaaaaaame
Hawaii: by mr. prince of persia
Hawaii: entitleeeeed
Hawaii: "the last express"?
Hawaii: it was about a train
Hawaii: travelling through the something or other
Hawaii: invading MURDER!!!!!!111
Hawaii: murder, poland
Hawaii: a small town on the outskirts of... oh, let's say... warsaw
Hawaii: and there's a murder on the train or something
Hawaii: but you get stuck because you cannot disconnect the passenger cabin
Hawaii: this leads to confusion and gives way to chase through battle creek and owls
Hawaii: seventy years, it lasts, in real-time
Hawaii: real-game-time

Hawaii: i can mail you a dolly
Hawaii: you can brush her hair

* internet
Hawaii: anyway, i have to GO, my FRIGGING MOM HAS TO USE THE COMPUTER!!!!!!
Hawaii: THAT BITCH
Hawaii: UGUGRH!!!! FLImSY

Hawaii: You scared me like a donkey!

Hawaii: One time, when I first saw lightning, I said, “Hello, who is there?”

Hawaii: Hey, mosquito, what are you doing? Flying like a marshmallow?

Hawaii: I don’t care if you come in my room without knocking, if you have something for me.

Hawaii: Some people don't exist when they're still alive.

Hawaii: Is something controlling you, like a peanut butter-head?

Hawaii: I hate you and you’re going to explode and expire.

Hawaii: She had a two-headed smile.

Hawaii: I can’t wait that fast.

Hawaii: Everything hurts kids. Except for softness.

Hawaii: That was more than a push. That was a lynch.

Hawaii: I can’t think of numbers. All I can think of is sandwiches.

* tired
Hawaii: My legs are out of breath.

* food
Hawaii: I want all the world to have a cheeseburger.

Hawaii: You made a fun of me, you made-a-fun-of guy!

Hawaii: I hate everybody who cares about me.

Hawaii: My ears are singing to my brain.

Hawaii: You guys don’t learn anything by being stupid.

Hawaii: Don’t make me use the madness!

* food
Hawaii: Your tummy controls everything.

Hawaii: the internet should be called the e-internet

* lie SAM house
Hawaii: you're a lying liar, just like the fake keyhole on this dresser drawer

Hawaii: a magic potion brewed up by the most mysterious of sorcerers with bushy eyebrows and a big pointy hat with stars and moons on it

* grammar
Hawaii: i switched tenses, i'm a bad girl

Hawaii: nothing's good enough for you
Hawaii: everything must be clean and efficient. even dirt

Hawaii: this sweater is smelly. good bye

Hawaii: give her a frock
Hawaii: a frocky frilly frock
Hawaii: a frilly frocky frock
Hawaii: a frilly frock

Hawaii: you know, there's a lot of porn on the internet
Hawaii: 100 porn pictures
Hawaii: all on the internet
Hawaii: can you believe it?

Hawaii: i don't have enough transfer bits
Hawaii: information cubes
Hawaii: data transfer... wiring.... little.... cylllll... electricity

Hawaii: here, a hen is kind of like a rooster, but it's blue, and goes "querk, querk"

Hawaii: HMhmy
Hawaii: i think you need to travel through time into your troubled pasts, with a ghost
Hawaii: or a dog

* sex
Hawaii: wankering their pankies

Hawaii: you can't really describe a tool because it's just a tool
Hawaii: you can only describe what you're changing

Hawaii: so it's easy to get stuck in traps... and... pit holes and dragons

Hawaii: i think how society should work is evertyhing they do is added up into certain "talent point" categories, which can then buy you items related to the things you do
Hawaii: you could pull weeds and eat crab!

Hawaii: it's like when moomintroll wakes up from hybernation early, and it's winter, and his family is still sleeping
Hawaii: and there's sheets over all the furniture

Hawaii: Our dog loves water. He drinks it every day.

Hawaii: when you live in the computer, you can never really move

* dream
Susan: i had a second dream that ended in a ton of false awakenings
Susan: this time they took place in a room which was the size of my old old old room in the underground house, but which was painted white and had a door in the wrong place and a window
Susan: the window went almost from floor to ceiling, like the one here, and looked out onto utter blackness
Susan: the last thing i remember was i stopped trying to wake up and went for the window

* biology
Susan: type 2 unKNOTs dna
Susan: which means it has to cut the strand, move another part of the strand through the cut, and then seal it together again
Susan: quite a complex process for a little crumpled up string of amino acids

* dream
Susan: i had a dream about rainbows just last night
Susan: and there was a king, and the devil or somebody like him... some characters from my comic, a blue spine, a bottomless pit, parachutes...
Susan: some girl
Susan: a lot of it seemed like good material, but when i woke up i realized it was completely incoherent and just fell to bits

Susan: the sunset on the lake makes it look unreal
Susan: not unreal as in "amazing", unreal as in fake
Susan: rendered
Susan: posterized
Susan: even up close
Susan: the tiny criss-crossing ripples look like polygons
Susan: the color, a metallic blue
Susan: like a photoshop gradiant
Susan: with yellow and orange highlights
Susan: the waves don't break

* gumby
Susan: you know how gumby can go into any book?
Susan: with his pony pal pokey too?
Susan: i was pondering the fact that he never goes into a book WITHIN a book
Susan: and then it hit me
Susan: what if he already HAS?
Susan: what if the toy store or whever the hell he lives is actually a book itself?
Susan: although he was born there
Susan: but still, if it was a book, or a movie or whatever, he'd probably have the ability to leave it
Susan: all he has to do is try
# rewrite as a lie

Susan: dan rather was once beaten up by surrealists

Susan: [slow motion montage of multiethnic people enjoying themselves in different ways] 
Susan: "we know a lot... about the head.... but what about..... the brain... inside?"
Susan: [slow zoom in on a baby]
Susan: "could it be... that there is a brain... inside our head?"
Susan: [a crowd of people in japan, talking on cellphones]
Susan: "in 1594... a young girl... was hit in the head... by a safe"
Susan: [overexposed shot of church windows]
Susan: "that girl... was me"
Susan: [a scientist in front of science]
Susan: scientist: "what the existence of people like the narrator shows is that brains live inside each of our heads, and that we need them in order to live. In fact, we need them just to play card games, even simple card games like war, where there's no real decision making."
Susan: [kids playing war]
Susan: "could it be... that even playing simple card games... is something that's done by the brain?"
Susan: [exterior, the tower of london]
Susan: i'm sure i'd be on the edge of my seat, if i was from ancient greece, and had always thought the brain was simply a device for cooling the blood

* dream
Susan: there was a building in the middle of a desert
Susan: there was a kind of jury rigged slide leading down from it
Susan: but it was extremely long, and twisty, and stretched to the horizon, impossibly
Susan: someone went down it, and someone else followed them
Susan: it was so long it wrapped around a small, very low moon at one point
Susan: then in the distance we heard them scream
Susan: and the landscape went dark
Susan: it was an eclipse
Susan: but not a natural one
Susan: it happened suddenly, but then it stayed dark
Susan: and as we walked through the desert i noticed dim circles of light following us
Susan: the sun, the thing, whatever it was, was looking for us
Susan: and there were dogs following us too, their tongues hanging out
Susan: they moved slowly, almost as if sleepwalking, unseeing
Susan: cartoonish
Susan: when i woke up, i found that the lights were on

Susan: two girls with reddish brown hair got on, they looked kind of similar, mousy, but for some reason i didn't think they were related
Susan: they sat next to me, one on either side
Susan: it was pretty crowded
Susan: they had really great hair, it was like the color of polished cherry

Delta: Susan is lost in life's maze.
Delta: But at least she knows she is lost.

Susan: i hate it when people i know bring someone boring into my ongoing sphere of acquaintance, by hiring them or marrying them or whatnot 
Susan: the same way i hate it when people get really annoying or smelly dogs

Susan: i don't have any trouble presenting people with madness, but no one really seems to understand the final piece of the puzzle, that this madness isn't something i created, that it's naturally occuring
Susan: that there's a place where this stuff just grows right out of the ground, and that i've been there

Delta: most scientifically-minded people consider themselves to be their memories
Delta: i consider myself to be my will
Delta: i see no problem with being replaced by another entity, if that entity wants roughly what i want and is better able to achieve it
Delta: whether it's really "me" or not is entirely irrelevent
Delta: even if the thread of personal continuity were a meaningful idea, i wouldn't see the point in preserving it
Delta: i could even be happy with distributing my will, or my perspective... æsthetics, i guess you'd say, thinly, between different people, as long as it was broadly enough
Delta: i consider myself to be an extremely malliable entity
Delta: i fit in most overhead storage bins
Delta: part of this i guess is because i look to the future, and i see a sieve through which conventional "people" may very well not pass
Delta: so i try to see if there is some way i can wind myself through, to slip between the cracks into a world humanity was not meant to go
Delta: and thus it is the most inhuman parts of myself that i seem to.... self-identify with
Delta: and this leads to instability, with various parts of my psyche individually trying to leak out of me and into the wider world
Delta: i am a temporary alliance, an entity of convenience, and in many ways less than the sum of my parts
Delta: i am a plain brown sack thrown over a mountain of colorful organisms to keep them in a coherent shape

Delta: plus, they'll be like DELTA HOW DO I GET RID OF A GUN
Delta: what am i, your mom?
Delta: somehow a job that would take only one person if i did it myself ends up involving five

Delta: as we grow older, the people we used to be essentially die
Delta: it happens slowly, but our personalities get replaced
Delta: how much of what you knew when you were 7 do you remember now?

Susan: i'm trying to go 24 hours without smiling
Susan: it's surprising how much of a wrench that throws into my normal activity and thought patterns
Susan: i pretty much go around laughing at random shit all day

Susan: the government may be evil and corrupt, but it's irrelevant to the big picture.
Susan: things don't all tie together.

Susan: i remember when my family lived in [state], we used to buy apple cider straight from the orchard
Susan: generally i'd get a toffee apple while we were there
Susan: in retrospect it seems oddly rural
Susan: and it reminds me of a video i saw at my grandparents' house
Susan: it was live action, some kind of children's show
Susan: i don't recall any kind of theme or storyline
Susan: there were songs
Susan: animated segments
Susan: in any case, at one point they're in an apple orchard
Susan: it gave me a very odd feeling which i don't associate with anything else
Susan: one of those weird little feelings you get as a kid which you don't have a name for
Susan: the bald man is saying "there's something fishy here, but i CAN'T PUT MY FINGER ON IT."
Susan: "can't put my finger on it" was emphasized extremely deliberately, as though it held some practically metaphysical significance
Susan: behind one of the apple trees is an elephant, or rather someone in a full body elephant costume
Susan: made of gray fabric
Susan: hiding behind a tree
Susan: it's the most obvious thing in the world
Susan: in light of what i know now, it takes on a strange significance

Susan: just as there is no trustworthy system of government, because government must consist of humans, there is no trustworthy system of human thought
Susan: in the end the weak link is the mind it runs on

Susan: if you fix everything that's wrong with joe the plumber, there's no joe the plumber left anyway, so why not just dispose of him?

* weirdness poetry
Susan: you know, i used to get this elusive flavor of a better world sometimes
Susan: outside the medical center is where i remember it most strongly
Susan: it was a modern building, with glass
Susan: sidewalks, on a sloped hill, trees, i remember fog but i don't think there was really fog
Susan: it's strange to think that there might actually BE a better world, some kind of magical utopia, just around the corner as it were
Susan: but is the world of the elves really real? it's probably just another one of their tricks, and they're just soulless puppets
Susan: anyway i doubt it's related to the feelings i get
Susan: utopia seems like a misnomer actually, because what i imagine isn't really a society or a civilization
Susan: it's just a place
Susan: there are people there, but it's... surreal
Susan: still, maybe i went there once and had it erased from my mind...
Susan: i'm totally serious about that, too
Susan: i don't think so, because it doesn't feel like i remember such a place, just that i want to go there

* weirdness poetry
Susan: i used to get these....... impressions
Susan: very occationally
Susan: slivers of an idea, a nameless place or state of being, a world very close to our own, but inaccessable somehow
Susan: which was better
Susan: it's strange though, because it wasn't simply a happy-go-lucky fantasy
Susan: the very idea of the place was so alien, so... INCOMPREHENSIBLE, really
Susan: that it seemed perverse
Susan: it was a place that couldn't exist, and would be scary if it did
Susan: not because you'd get sucked into it or something, but by its very existence
Susan: so, they were different places, really, different impressions, but all held together by the two essential things i've outlined
Susan: that it was a better world, that had some magical spark that ours lacks
Susan: and that it should not be possible
Susan: when we use the words "a perfect world", what we think of is a place without people killing each other, maybe with togas, too much free time, or robots or something, we imagine a utopia, typically a vague one, but still evidently broken in a lot of ways, not really a place that inspires a desire to be there
Susan: a place that's still grating or unwelcome on some level
Susan: it's often been observed that humor is a defense mechanism
Susan: if so, in a perfect world there would presumably be no need for it
Susan: it's basically impossible to imagine that, but that's what these impressions were
Susan: a world where humor was unnecessary
Susan: although that's never an aspect of which i was conciously aware

* dream weirdness
Susan: 1M TH1NK1NG 4BOUT 4 BLU3 ORB FROM TH3 DR34M 4ND SUDD3NLY 1 R34L1Z3
Susan: TH3R3 W4S NO BLU3 ORB
Susan: 4ND TH1S D1STURBS M3 GR34TLY
Susan: 1M 1M4G1N1NG 4 BOY 4ND G1RL L4Y1NG 1N B3D
Susan: YOUNG 4DULTS BUT SOM3HOW V3RY 1NNOC3NT S33M1NG
Susan: 4ND TH3 BOY H4S 4 BLU3 ORB HOV3R1NG 4BOV3 H1S H34D
Susan: W1TH 4 K3Y 1N 1T
Susan: 4ND 1 4M TH3 G1RL
Susan: MY H34D F33LS STR4NG3
Susan: 4 CR33PY F33L1NG
Susan: 4ND 1M H34R1NG 4 STR4NG3 SOUND
Susan: L1K3 MUS1C
Susan: BUT ONLY S3M1-H4RMON1OUS
Susan: 4 LOT OF NOT3S PL4Y3D TOG3TH3R 1N BURSTS
Susan: TH3 T1MBR3 1S R3MN1SC3NT OF TH3 B4CKW4RD NOT3S 1N "COP13S OF COP13S" FROM TH3 PR1M3R SOUNDTR4CK
Susan: TH1S MUCH SM4LL3R DR34M 1 H4V3 FOUND MUCH MOR3 D1STURB1NG TH4N TH3 OR1G1N4L ON3
Susan: TH3R3 1S 4 R34L BLU3 ORB 1N TH1S HOUS3 BUT 1T 1S LOCK3D 1N 4 CLOS3T

* dream
Susan: we went around the side of the house to get a better view
Susan: and that's when i realized my house didn't exist
Susan: it's not that it was just gone, or replaced with another house
Susan: my two neighbor's yards, stephen and trevor's house on one side, and brian and colin's house on the other, were simply stitched together at the boundary line of their property
Susan: it's hard to explain due to the way our subdivision swirled together, but space itself no longer extended to the place my house used to be
Susan: and i realized that although they should, these children did not recognize me
Susan: i had been erased from history

* ufo weirdness
Susan: ah, and as always, what was explained in the abstract as a mistake has to turn into a lie once we get down to specifics

* lie poetry
Susan: a lie is, in some ways, the simplest and smallest type of fiction
Susan: the thinnest
Susan: because belief is not suspended for a lie, it is not gracuously inflated with the imagination of the audience, or even of the creator
Susan: it is a two dimensional facade
Susan: what would you do, if you discovered that you weren't being lied to, but were in fact, yourself, the lie?
Susan: if the world is a fiction, there's something whimsical about it, or at least, artsy
Susan: if the world is a lie, how does it feel?
Susan: thin, i think
Susan: like the space between the walls of a house
Susan: but at the same time, purposeful
Susan: fictions just sit there, but lies are designed for a purpose

Delta: i have an extremely large number of names precisely because i'm a minimalist
Delta: the only way to have a minimal identity is to keep making up a new one with nothing else attached to it
Delta: like a snake shedding its skin

* monolog long
Susan: another thing strout says which is perhaps worth pontificating on is "each word from my mouth will be more compelling than the last"
Susan: i wonder, given some unchanging criteria of compellingness, how long you could talk and have that statement be true
Susan: i suppose one way would be to assign every word in the english language a number indicating how compelling it is, and then string them together from the smallest number to the biggest one
Susan: and ignoring the context.......
Susan: in this case the answer would be 30,000 or however many words there actually are
Susan: but why limit yourself to english...
Susan: you could use every word in every language, even made up ones
Susan: but there are made up languages in which every string of letters is a word
Susan: german, for instance
Susan: so the number of words is infinite
Susan: so, in this case the answer is that you could talk forever which each word being more compelling than the last
Susan: the length of the words would gradually increase, though
Susan: assuming that there was some infinite sequence of longer and longer words in which each word in the sequence was at least slightly more compelling than the one before it
Susan: you could also just say one infinitely long word, which would effortlessly net you infinity points if we're going by length of time you spend saying it, but either 0 and 1 points if we're going by the number of words you say
Susan: however, IS there an infinite sequence of longer and longer words in which each word in the sequence is at least slightly more compelling than the one before it?
Susan: i'm going to assume that there is effectively some maximum compellingness a word can have
Susan: even if there is no most compelling word, they probably approach a limit, just getting closer to it by tinier and tinier bits
Susan: if the latter is true, then the answer is yes
Susan: but if the former is true, which is possible......... then it's still yes
Susan: arrange the infinite list of finite-length words in order of compellingness, and go through it in order
Susan: no
Susan: that's kind of problematic, though........
Susan: for instance, what's the last finite-length made up word alphabetically, using the english alphabet?
Susan: ZZZZZZZ?
Susan: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ?
Susan: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ?
Susan: there is no largest finite number
Susan: i think that means the ordered list cannot exist
Susan: we've got an infinity with cardinality greater than aleph null
Susan: well, i don't know what the answer is and i don't care enough to figure it out
Susan: my guess is "yes, but only assuming the axiom of choice"
Susan: oh, wait
Susan: the answer is yes regardless
Susan: let's say the compellingness of words ranges from 0 to 1
Susan: you start with a word of compellingness 1/2 then pick one with compellingness 2/3, then 3/4, etc.
Susan: actually, approaching a limit of 1 could be tricky, it may be sparse up there
Susan: so, approach a limit in the region that most of the really long words fall into
Susan: whatever that is
Susan: hmm
Susan: you can't get those numbers exactly without resorting to infinitely long words though
Susan: so, just pick the shortest word which is BETWEEN 0 and 1/2, then between 1/2 and 2/3, etc.
Susan: tada, problem solved........
Susan: the region most of the long words are in is probably pretty low
Susan: hmm
Susan: actually, i changed my mind again, maybe it's NOT possible
Susan: if a short word is always more compelling than a long word which otherwise gives the same impression, and there is a maximum to how compelling a word can be, independant of the dampening factor associated with length, then it's not possible
Susan: the first premise seems very likely, the second one.......

* dream weirdness phone
Susan: and then there was a scene cut
Susan: and my cellphone rang
Susan: i answered it, but no one spoke
Susan: so i hung up
Susan: this repeated itself several times
Susan: finally tom's voice spoke, but as if from nowhere, and he said "look you little snit, just talk to me will you?"
Susan: this was not at all unexpected
Susan: i knew he was behind this world in the back of my mind since near the beginning of the dream
Susan: that he was the author or something of this fiction i was inside
Susan: i woke up
Susan: and only a few seconds later, i heard heidi's phone ring in the next room
Susan: and she answered it and said "Hello? ...Hell-ooooo?"
Susan: No response

* dream
Susan: i had a dream last night
Susan: i was outside my old house, at night
Susan: my family was inside
Susan: and there was a strange woman there, an alien, wearing a robe
Susan: she was a projection, she wasn't really there
Susan: she was projected through time
Susan: but not from the future
Susan: from the past
Susan: in fact, she was one of the first people
Susan: the first civilization to arise in our universe
Susan: they were very advanced
Susan: and she was projected from back when they were still around, thousands or billions of years ago
Susan: she was studying us, and making notes about, like, whether we were as tall as we were supposed to be
Susan: she seemed surprised and alarmed that i could see her
Susan: it's an easy dream to describe, in a way
Susan: but it was strangely impressive to experience
Susan: the idea of the first civilization, who grew up without any outside interference
Susan: all alone in the darkness of the universe
Susan: the weird thing is that the idea of that is now striking to me
Susan: considering it's essentially how i thought of the earth until a few years ago
Susan: but i guess you don't really see it until you lose it
Susan: anyway, i guess it's not really the same, because the naive idea of the earth's place is that we're simply the earliest people in this region of space
Susan: that way out there, there's others
Susan: in the dream, the world the woman was from was the first
Susan: it was so much earlier than everything else that they couldn't get to the future by waiting
Susan: they had to project themselves forward

Delta: with school, if you fail to come up with an exit strategy, you get released at the end of the 13 years
Delta: with reality, it's a bit trickier

Susan: understanding something that someone else doesn't tends to SEPARATE you from them
Susan: but, being able to EXPLAIN something that someone else can't tends to bring you CLOSER!
Susan: this is a natural cycle of learning, of getting smarter
Susan: first you move away, then you move back
Susan: people who get further and further from other people are off-kilter, they are on a degenerate track!
Susan: they lack the understanding necessary for explanation, and without it, their own understanding will become corrupted

Susan: you know, i had aim names narrowed down to 200 or so
Susan: and then somehow it got narrowed up to 40,000
Susan: there's so many i need a color-coded multi-dimensional sorting scheme

Susan: i loved the suburbs, because they were so artificial, so cut off from the life of civilization

* book
Wilson: "a maze is a house constructed purposely to confuse men, its architecture, prodigal in symmetries, serves that purpose. In the city I imperfectly explored, the architecture had NO purpose."

Susan: marcus called me last night
Susan: asking me what the missing word was in the phrase "for every action there is an equal and ______ reaction"
Susan: i told him he can just type that sort of thing into google
Susan: same with song lyrics, quotes, etc.
Susan: but, as we see here, the forest is still there, you just have to walk further to find it

Susan: my mother is an engineer
Susan: she has formal procedures for doing everything as efficiently as possible
Susan: things like brushing her teeth and putting on her socks

Susan: i guess it's the INFINITY of space, more than the majesty of it. As mirrored by the game and its music, really. Pinball is a game where you will eventually lose, no matter how good you are. There's no upper limit on the number of points you can get, the last ball will eventually drain and it'll be game over.
Susan: And yet despite this, the music keeps playing, the same old music, it just goes on continiously, with or without you. The fact that it's an endless sequence of notes with the same seperation only adds to this effect
Susan: at one point i thought it'd be even more effective if the notes were quantized to exact intervals, but actually the reverse is true
Susan: you can easily tell by looking at it in an editor that it was played by hand, and you can tell by listening as well
Susan: and that's part of what makes it so exhausting, is the impression that somebody's endlessly PLAYING the thing, not quite perfectly, but endlessly, rather than the typical "just the computer spitting it out" which is easier to ignore
Susan: i could open it in logic right now and quantize it to show you, but..... i'd rather just eat these turnovers.........

Susan: every time i look at myself, i seem to be closer and closer to madness
Susan: it's not a joke anymore, much as i often think it is
Susan: if it was something simple, like a phobia or an obsession or a depression, i wouldn't be concerned
Susan: these things are troublesome, but i can always take care of them if they arise
Susan: because i understand them, and i understand how to fix them
Susan: but the thing that creeps up on me on nights like this doesn't even have a name, it's an inside out feeling, a general weakening of all the threads that hold me together
Susan: i would almost say it is not a human flaw, it is a flaw in the fake humanity i have that makes me seem human
Susan: it is a hole in my costume

* ufo idea
Delta: if there was a global catastrophe of some kind, and there was just one man left alive out of the whole of humanity, living out the last years of his life in an apocalyptic wasteland, would he see UFOs?
Delta: would they rework their show for a one-man audience? would they just leave, having no further interest? would they finally make open contact, now that there was no civilization to hide from?

Susan: one thing that seems very obvious to me but which most people even on the fringe don't seem to see, is that "they" are deceptive
Susan: that it's not just human society covering things up, and it's not just a failure of communication
Susan: that the core of the deception is deliberately orchestrated BY the supernatural entity or entities

Delta: Every statement one can make about faery risks falling afoul of what is, in many ways, the defining characteristic of the faery realm: the role of illusion, or (to give it its traditional name) glamour. In the words of Sir Walter Scott, glamour:
Delta: Could make a ladye seem a knight
Delta: A nutshell seem a gilded barge
Delta: A sheeling seem a palace large
Delta: And youth seem age and age seem youth
Delta: All was delusion, nought was truth.

Delta: think about it this way
Delta: we have over history, learned to give up our privilaged role in the universe in a variety of ways
Delta: we were not made in god's image, our planet is not the center of the universe, it may not be the only universe, etc.
Delta: perhaps being the one real reality of which everything else is a subset is going to be just another special award we have to give back

Jennifer: well, i walked around a lot when going to the mall
Jennifer: actually, it wasn't even a lot. at all
Jennifer: my legs felt really horrible afterwards, though
Jennifer: i'm going to die alone

Hawaii: are the gods aliens?
Susan: only to a mild extent
Susan: nothing like how it is on stargate

Jennifer: this is probably the best clown ever drawn
Jennifer: crazy eyes, huge mouth, tiny hat which he's ever so politely lifting off his head, with a flower in it....
Jennifer: big pants, funny walk, bowtie.....
Jennifer: what more could you want
Alan: a flower that squirts acid
Jennifer: oh, it squirts acid alright...... the acid of fuzzy thinking and ignorance!
Alan: touche.

* star trek
Jennifer: klon peegs!
Jennifer: highly prized.

Hawaii: paper bags are funny
Hawaii: they're bags shaped like rectangles
Hawaii: they're good for storing items in
Hawaii: books, objects...
Hawaii: anything, really
Hawaii: anything if it's smaller than the bag!
Paige: "object" isn't a subset of "item", it's a synonym
Jennifer: any object, paige! the world is yours! welcome to florida, now claim your items and get the shit out of here!

Hawaii: what would happen to a person if you injected gumby into their brain?

Hawaii: Nothing will shut up these words - ever!

Hawaii: i'm afraid you are made of pie
Hawaii: please go home.

Hawaii: basically, aliens are very brightly colored

Jennifer: october 24 is one day after my birthday!
Jennifer: i would have turned 13 that year
Jennifer: if i hadn't been brutally murdered by the childskinner of west peoria, that is
Jennifer: the Jennifer you know has been a ghost all along, goodbye.....

* food
Jennifer: most candy bars say what's in them, various combinations of peanuts, chocolate, peanut butter, caramel, nouget, marshmallow, wafers, pretzels, etc.
Jennifer: but charlston chew just says VANILLA
Jennifer: vanilla WHAT? what's it supposed to BE?
Jennifer: it's just corn syrup!

Jennifer: remember that time i flew around the world in 80 days -- in a concentric series of circles?

* harry_potter
Jennifer: SPOILER: harry dies on every page

* harry_potter
Jennifer: I remember sitting in a movie theater and a magical feast appearing in front of me, candlesticks all hovering in the air and the roof open to reveal a starry sky
Jennifer: wait, that was harry potter.

Jennifer: you're right! WANT A COOKIE?!
Jennifer: NO! THE COOKIE IS POISON!

Hawaii: we're ALL lost... in the puddle
Jennifer: that's probably the best summary i've ever heard
Hawaii: of what?
Jennifer: everything

Jennifer: i like how the voiceover acting community tends to be completely disorganized
Jennifer: unorganized

Jennifer: USATODAY.com - A false Wikipedia 'biography'
Jennifer: This is a highly personal story about internet character assassination. It could be your story.
Jennifer: it would be great if that story was about zerg_overlord69, and how somebody made a wikipedia article that said he was "a fag"

* politics
Jennifer: A CD being sent out to home by the Minnesota GOP is polling people who use the CD, sending their personal info, including name, address, and phone, among other info, back to party headquarters. No privacy policy or statement identifying what the CD does is visible anywhere.
Jennifer: i like to think that it does nothing beyond that
Jennifer: although it may flash a lot of lights and make a lot of loud siren noises while it grills you for info

Jennifer: when you think about it though, willy wonka is all about intellectual property and the sins of children
Jennifer: and those go hand in hand in the modern world

* jennifer's_past
Jennifer: that's why i quit......
Jennifer: a tiny penn and teller appeared on my shoulders
Jennifer: penn said "THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!"
Jennifer: teller made a funny face while slowly shaking his head and removing a string of colorful scarves from his mouth

Jennifer: then she asked if i could burn her a copy of 'that new chihuahua movie', because she LOVED the first

* computer
Jennifer: i use a cracked version of windows vista, where every time something happens, cory doctorow pops up to tell you why it sucks

* star_trek firefly
Jennifer: i'd rather see Q bring isaac newton back to life in order to prove humankind's folly than see some gritty revolutionary captain help out a bunch of horrible toothless idiots on some little moon which looks exactly like texas

Jennifer: how could you be, you're not dead.........
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: no, i guess you are dead
Jennifer: you win this one
Jennifer: deady

Jennifer: a fatty fat! the barrel is labeled "product of fatty fatco, a producer of fatty's meat lumps"

Jennifer: it's quite laughable
Jennifer: but you know what isn't a laughing matter?

Jennifer: "fag" would be a good thing to put on a shirt you lend someone
Jennifer: "sorry, that's the only shirt i have..."
Jennifer: then they'll try and turn it inside out, but on the other side it says QUEER
Jennifer: or i guess you could just run up to someone with a stencil and spraypaint FAG onto their shirt
Jennifer: then run away
Jennifer: or one of those magic e-paintbrushes
Jennifer: do they have those yet? why the hell not!
Susan: i think a giant rubber stamp would be more practical
Jennifer: yeah, you could just stand there with two big giant rubber stamps
Jennifer: and when somebody walks by with a blank shirt, you say "excuse me, are you a FAG?"
Jennifer: and if they say no, you use the NIGGER stamp

Jennifer: i like to think that if i ever kill someone, it'll be with an unusual weapon, like a trident or something....
Jennifer: i would also be happy killing someone with a regular claw hammer
Jennifer: but only if i threw it

Izzy: what's with you wanting to be batman
Jennifer: what kid doesn't want to be batman! he murders with impunity!
Izzy: no he doesn't!
Izzy: batman NEVER murders
Jennifer: well, i would, if i was batman...
Susan: let's say you kill the joker and the penguin and so on
Susan: then what are you going to do?
Jennifer: kill the commissioner
---
Jennifer: nonsense! they won't say that when i have... a gun!
Izzy: batman hates guns! it's central to his character!
Jennifer: i thought the vampirism was central to his character! through a straw, from his victims' necks!
Izzy: he's not a vampire, he just dresses like a bat to strike fear into the hearts of criminals
Izzy: who as we all know are a cowardly and superstitious lot!
Jennifer: hmmmm... hissssss........ hhhhhmmmmm
Izzy: this is really sounding a lot less like batman, and more like you shooting people with a gun and then running away
Jennifer: i was also going to sell their blood

Jennifer: remember that volcano i conquered?
Jennifer: they renamed it mt. st. Jennifer
---
Jennifer: admit it! everyone lives in my shadow! EVERYONE!
Jennifer: and it's not because i'm fat, but because uhhhhhh
Jennifer: uhhhhhh
Jennifer: my stature resembles that of the amazing mt. st. Jennifer

Jennifer: I have the following up for grab: 
Jennifer: 1. A Twin mattress: it has a boxsping built/kinda hard to describe but it's in good condition. 
Jennifer: 2. Baby bath seat 
Jennifer: 3. Three books 
Jennifer: i like to imagine someone reading that, saying THREE BOOKS!! and rushing down to get them

Jennifer: did you know? justin is the king of the gays
Jennifer: according to my sources
Jennifer: (my sources are top rated youtube comments)

* copyright
Jennifer: it's just really irritating when people don't have microsoft office, or have no cultural literacy because they have some incoherent notion that artists get more money if they don't watch or listen to anything

* food 3D
Jennifer: let's bring the snack crazes of yesteryear into the world of 3D
Jennifer: idea: fruit-by-the-cubic-foot

Jennifer: let's go outside of time and space
Jennifer: there's too... too many hipsters here...

* skype computer
Jennifer: it's funny when you're on skype with someone and you forget they're there and start listening to lady gaga

* skype computer
Jennifer: i watched a lot of it GODDAMNIT SKYPE WHO SAID YOU COULD RANDOMLY POP UP FOR NO REASON

Jennifer: you've all got shrapnel in your brains, and for this i apologize.

Jennifer: cellphones are not really cells, nor are they phones
Jennifer: they're just tin cans with very long invisible strings

Jennifer: i got so used to numbers going backward that i was momentarily confused by time going forwards
Jennifer: "3:35?" i thought
Jennifer: "but it was 3:08 just a few minutes ago..."

Jennifer: you know what's really bewildering is when political cartoonists use the "elephant in the room" metaphor for things with nothing to do with republicans
Jennifer: christ, don't they have enough excuses to draw elephants?!

* politics
Jennifer: well... wee wewe weewe
Jennifer: weewewe
Jennifer: weewee
Jennifer: wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Jennifer: - entire text of obama's infamous 2011 state of the union address

* comic
Jennifer: let's read a sassy journal comic about a girl who's not afraid to talk about farts!

Jennifer: can't i call a friendly meteor to demolish this entire place?

Jennifer: and i hate all my friends
Jennifer: especially YOU!!!!!!

Jennifer: i wish i could link you to some stuff by him, but your computer is broken apparently... i find it kind of exasperating when people can't use youtube, or their computer doesn't have sound, or some other idiotic handicap
Jennifer: it's like being deaf in a future world where you can get bionic ears for ten bucks
Jennifer: and then going "WHAT? I'M SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOU"
Jennifer: not knowing how to pirate things, or having a moral injunction against it, is another thing like that
Jennifer: it's like having a friend who's so superstitious they can't go through automatic doors or walk on cracked sidewalk tiles and so they have to take massive alternate routes to get to easily accessible locations
Jennifer: "I CAN'T GET TO THE BIONIC EAR STORE, I'D HAVE TO WALK UNDER A LADDER"

Jennifer: now i can't even recall what was going on in this episode of this stupid show!
Jennifer: someone just drove up in a golf cart and pulled a gun out of their jacket pocket
Jennifer: then they drove out of frame, and it cut to another scene

Jennifer: i went to the mall just now wearing this shirt
Jennifer: people's eyes were drawn to its message
Jennifer: one kid even pronounced it aloud
Jennifer: also i saw a tween girl planking
Jennifer: she just up and laid down on the floor in front of where her friends were walking
Jennifer: they all tripped over her and landed in a paralysed goat heap
Jennifer: in short, it was a terrible nightmare excursion to hell

* jennifer's_house
Jennifer: you know, walking around in the darkness of my house, i noticed dim light coming through the curtain
Jennifer: well, technically it's just a sheet nailed over the glass doors, it's not a real curtain
Jennifer: but anyway
Jennifer: i said to myself "hmm... is that night, or morning?"
Jennifer: and i took a few seconds to consider, and said to myself, in all honesty "i'm betting it's night. it's night, isn't it"
Jennifer: and i turned on the monitor to check the time, and found that it was 4:43 AM

* meditation
Jennifer: also there was some twitching when i was lying down for my nap a few hours ago, until i sufficiently distracted myself
Jennifer: i wasn't even trying to meditate there
Jennifer: i think as i get deeper into this the twitching may begin to infect my non-meditating hours as well
Jennifer: it's like i have some degenerative neural disease
Jennifer: the key difference being, those don't go away if you soldier through them
Jennifer: and PRESUMABLY this will
Jennifer: if it doesn't, i'm going to sue.... the buddha ........
Jennifer: i'll sue his estate
Jennifer: he was extremely wealthy, right?

Jennifer: i've got some beans! for you to count!
Jennifer: and salsa! yeah, that's just like you, trying to count a mass noun.

Jennifer: i mean, what is it fat people have more of? just ordinary human flesh!
Jennifer: so really, what we're averse to about fat people is our own fleshy humanity

Susan: this is reminding me of how i wanted to edit the lost room so as to remove any indication that the items were magic
Susan: and just be about a bunch of idiots fighting over a comb and such

Jennifer: remember that kelly comic where he demonizes the very concept of SO CALLED "LOVE"

Jennifer: hmm, i have some glow in the dark spray i could use
Jennifer: that'd be good
Jennifer: a good way to greet someone
Alan: just tag their face
Jennifer: they say "Hi" and you spray them in the face with glow in the dark spray
Jennifer: i think most people would react badly to that
Alan: yeah, i wouldn't like it
Jennifer: another thing you could do, instead, is, without breaking eye contact, pull open their pants, and spray their genitals
Jennifer: claim that's how things are done in your country
Jennifer: if they ask what country it is, say portugal
Jennifer: you could also have a child run up behind them and spray them on the butt
Jennifer: you could say to them "hold your arms out to the side"
Jennifer: and if they do, the child runs up and sprays them on the butt
Jennifer: claim you have no knowledge of this child
Jennifer: if they ask why you wanted them to hold their arms out, say "no reason"
Jennifer: then, next time you meet, ask them to hold their arms out again
Jennifer: they'll be wary
Jennifer: but you'll convince them that this time, there is no child
Jennifer: then once they hold their arms out, kick them in the nuts
Jennifer: then the child comes to spray their butt
Jennifer: it's the ultimate gag
Jennifer: i'm finding this funnier than i should

Susan: have you ever had that argument where somebody's like "nothing matters..... i won't care after i'm dead......."
Susan: i've had it a bunch of times, in graphic detail
Susan: it always follows the same sequence
Susan: and every step of the way they seem to need my help to get out of the tangled bracken of philosophy
Susan: i feel like some kind of magical boatman or something
Susan: we always end up at "well i still feel crummy, and waah! and nyeh! and waa waa waa. nyeh."

Wilson: Why are you talking like a herb and jamaal character?

* dream
Susan: i had a dream today that i was trying to remember the animorphs kids
Susan: it was difficult
Susan: here's the list i came up with
Susan: i was pretty confident i'd remembered it right in the dream, but try and spot the small mistake
Susan: jake
Susan: marco
Susan: rachel
Susan: cassie
Susan: tobias
Susan: ax
Susan: pinky pie

* stella
Hawaii: who's marcus?
Jennifer: he was the prankster! a lovable scamp
Jennifer: portrayed on the show by, i believe, a can of peas
Jennifer: The Three Guys was dedicated to him
Hawaii: what's that?
Jennifer: a book about three guys
Hawaii: who's it by?
Jennifer: well, the authorship is disputed
Jennifer: officially it's by jane burroughs

Jennifer: i cannot stand XXXXX's hate any more
Jennifer: goodnight...

Hawaii: a stopped clock is still right twice a day, wilson
Hawaii: but you know what's right even more times a day?
Hawaii: a clock that goes backwards, really fast!

* dream SAM
Jennifer: this reminds me of a dream where i discovered a bottomless pit was the perfect writing tool
Jennifer: i'm not sure how it helped me write, but it really seemed to
Jennifer: just inspirational or something

Susan: you know, i actually have TWO types of twitch
Susan: the one i mentioned earlier, and a different one
Susan: the second one is akin to a hypnagogic jerk
Susan: except in my case, i'm fully awake, it happens in order to pull me out of a daydream or even just an imagining
Susan: you'd think it would happen when i imagine something bad, but it's actually the reverse
Susan: sometimes i imagine good things that have a strange otherwordly quality and this twitch happens, it feels like, to stop me from being taken over by something my mind has touched on the other side

* comic leisuretown jerkcity
Susan: i often think of that jerkcity line, "9:30 - Jerry Springer: People With Problems - CC, Stereo"
Susan: although without the jerry springer part
Susan: just as the end of a train of thought about someone, or a group of people, often humanity as a whole
Susan: "people with problems, cc, stereo"

* dream
Susan: i was suddenly struck by a memory of a dream i had this morning
Susan: buried under dozens of other dreams
Susan: i can't remember it well enough to describe, but it had a strange and striking atmosphere
Susan: took place on artificial islands out in an ocean
Susan: concrete structures
Susan: there was a girl involved, i think
Susan: a kind of game, or a...
Susan: something dangerous
Susan: incomprehensible science and technology
Susan: mysterious, menacing, indifferent

* idea
Susan: i just had an idea for a film project
Susan: film normal people in a house with a good lighting for a few days, find the parts where they slur their speech or wander or say weird things, or otherwise act in a confused manner, slap on a timecode and riotous laugh track, and pretend that it's bloopers from some nonexistant show

* dream
Jennifer: bluxxon, i had a dream about you!! except you were a board game
Jennifer: i was looking for it at a dusty used bookstore in a mall
Jennifer: and i was like "here we go, bluxxon, it's in this glass case"
Jennifer: it had red and black pieces, similar to chess pieces, but small and made of metal, and a lot of them i think
Jennifer: i got out the box and looked inside for the rules
Jennifer: but all i found was a presliced slice of american cheese, which i myself, as a child, had written "BLUXXON" on with glitter and elmer's glue
Jennifer: the end!

* dream
Susan: i had a dream that there was some massive disaster and there were bloody corpses littering the streets, and i was riding a giant tricycle, and i went into a hotel or something on it, and i came across two waitresses making out. then i had an argument with somebody about the economy

* math philosophy
Susan: HERE DOLLY DOESN'T SEEM TO AGREE WITH BILLY'S ASSESSMENT
Susan: THEIR DIFFERENCE OF OPINION ESSENTIALLY RESTS ON DOLLY HOLDING "FOREVER" TO BE A CARDINAL INFINITY, AND BILLY HOLDING IT TO BE AN ORDINAL INFINITY
Susan: but who is right? is there a right answer? is it a semantics question? do we simply need empirical knowledge that cannot be mortally obtained? do mathematical abstractions like ordinal and cardinal infinities really work in the real world?

Susan: i want to see a chart of how many menu items the average family resturant has had over time

Susan: zyprexa also cures tourette's, autism, huntington's disease, burning tongue, and masturbatory guilt

Susan: i sent that song to a bunch of random people on gmail who happened to be named charity
Susan: it's just under the attachment size limit

* dream
Susan: i had a dream this morning, i was checking into a hotel
Susan: as i was walking through the lobby, the dream lost cohesion and i started to wake up
Susan: so i started to run
Susan: and i ran as fast as i could, and the setting dissolved, visually collapsed into just imagined notions, no stronger than you have listening to me now and picturing it yourself
Susan: but i focused on the sensation of running, and of the textures of the hotel lobby
Susan: carpeted walls, fake plants
Susan: and i pulled it back together, and found myself at the end of a hallway, which returned to normal dream vividness
Susan: the effort of it was momentarily exhausting

* dream
Susan: i dreamed i had to get to jason jefferson memorial airstrip in montana for the first leg of my dream vacation
Susan: and that there were indications the illuminati were involved

* time_travel
Susan: i'd give her a list of books to read and movies to watch and that sort of thing, although as many of them would post-date my interference they might well never exist in her timeline, so maybe authors and directors would be a better bet

Susan: it seems like an odd question
Susan: why WOULD anyone want to be human?
Susan: they don't understand the universe, they have no control over anything
Susan: they live and die like so many termites

* idea
Jennifer: i should get a show where i redecorate people's house with murals, and they come back and are confused and offended
Jennifer: or even just, the same mural every time
Jennifer:  
Jennifer: i'd just turn the largest wall in their house into this
Jennifer: not the picture of tom paris all muddy, mind you
Jennifer: the picture of the picture
Jennifer: well, i mean, my job would basically be to walk around pensively, eventually pick a wall, point at it, and say "do that one"
Jennifer: and then other people would do the mural
Jennifer: what do you think? greenlight?

* dream ufo
Susan: i had a dream like that, once
Susan: long before i believed in UFOs, actually
Susan: i was standing in the sunroom, it was dark
Susan: much like that recent dream where i met the alien, actually
Susan: only this one was deep at night
Susan: and i was just walking into the house from the entryway, which we called the "airlock" in that house
Susan: onto the slate floor of the sunroom
Susan: and this vertically striped red and blue beam appeared around me
Susan: i was quite scared, because it was very vivid
Susan: ordinarily at a point like that in a dream i might realize on some level it was a dream, and part of me would become detached, but this time i looked for that feeling and it wasn't there, it felt entirely real
Susan: but once i was in the UFO, the vividness very quickly dissipated and it boiled down to aliens showing me photos of places i could take a vacation or something, it was all some kind of ad
Susan: then i woke up

* monolog long
Susan: wikipedia's helpful scale of time units ends on a somber note
Susan: 1 ns: Time to execute one machine cycle by a 1GHz microprocessor, light travels 12 inches (30 cm)
Susan: 3 milliseconds - a housefly's wing flap
Susan: 4 milliseconds - typical average seek time for a 7200 rpm hard disk
Susan: 50-80 ms: Blink of an eye
Susan: 1.2 seconds - average interval for the human heartbeat.
Susan: 500 seconds - approximate time it takes light to travel between earth and the sun
Susan: 3.3527 days - total EVA time humans have spent on the moon.
Susan: 11 years - sunspot activity cycle (7.5 to 11 years)
Susan: 12.27 years - duration of Nazi Germany
Susan: 35 years - Constitutionally-mandated minimum age for President of the United States.
Susan: 36 years - recorded maximum lifespan of a cat
Susan: 190 years - credited age of the oldest known tortoise, oldest land animal
Susan: 233 years - age of the United States as of 2009
Susan: 507 years - duration of the Roman Empire
Susan: 4569 years - time, in 2009, since the building of the Great Pyramid at Giza.
Susan: 29,000 years - time since the extinction of Homo neanderthalensis.
Susan: 150 000 years - approximate age of mitochondrial Eve
Susan: ~700,000 years - time since last reversal of earth's magnetic field
Susan: 790 000 years - age of the earliest evidence of the controlled use of fire by Homo erectus
Susan: 40 million years - estimated period of time until Australia will collide with Asia. Also the estimated time until Mars's moon Phobos will collide with its surface.
Susan: 49 million years - time since the whales returned to the water.
Susan: 50 million years - time since the divergence of cat and dog ancestors.
Susan: 250 million years - One Galactic year - a revolution around the center of the Milky way of our Sun and the Solar system.
Susan: 420 million years - time since the first creature took a breath of air
Susan: 3 billion years - time until the collision of the Milky Way and Andromeda galaxies
Susan: 4.5 billion years: age of the Earth (see: Precambrian)
Susan: 13.2 billion years: age of the oldest known star, HE 1523-0901
Susan: 2 trillion years - time until all galaxies outside the Local Supercluster are no longer detectable in any way, assuming that dark energy continues to make the Universe expand at an accelerating rate.[4]
Susan: 10^65 years--estimated time for rigid objects like rocks to rearrange their atoms and molecules via quantum tunnelling, assuming that the proton does not decay. On this timescale all matter is liquid.[6]
Susan: of course, this assumes the universe goes on forever, which is not the leading view at the moment...
Susan: actually, is that true.......
Susan: i guess not, actually, we're looking at heat death as the most likely scenario
Susan: if so, all that crazy shit at the end of time wikipedia lists might happen after all
Susan: "spontainious entropy decrease" sounds like bullshit, but given enough time, it WILL happen, even in blobs as big as the observable universe
Susan: presumably if this is how things work, it's already happened, and the big bang we think we see at the beginning of time is an illusion

* monolog long
Susan: in 2003, Haarmann & Reimer merged with Dragoco
Susan: to become Symrise
Susan: they design and manufacture over 45% of the flavors present in the foods you eat
Susan: note that the Symrise logo has a dragon AND a hummingbird
Susan: i think when companies merge they should always merge their logos as well
Susan: imagine what AOL TIME WARNER would look like
Susan: In April 2005 Symrise acquired Flavours Direct, a UK based manufacturer of compounded flavours and seasonings.
Susan: you know, in science fiction, the big evil corperation that controls everything has their name emblazoned upon everything they make
Susan: in real life, we don't even know their name most of the time
Susan: In January 2006 Symrise acquired Hamburg based Kaden Biochemicals GmbH a producer of specialty botanical extracts.
Susan: In 1963, Givaudan was acquired by Roche and in 1964, Roche acquired one of Givaudan's competitors, Roure. Both companies flourished independently under Roche until 1991 when Givaudan and Roure were merged to form Givaudan-Roure. In 1997 Givaudan-Roure acquired another flavor company, Tastemaker, based in Cincinnati, Ohio (USA). The merger made Givaudan the largest flavor company in the world and the Tastemaker facility in Cincinnati became Givaudan's new headquarters for its flavor business. In 2000 Givaudan-Roure merged with Haarmann & Reimer.
Susan: which as we all remember from earlier, merged with dragoco
Susan: in 2003
Susan: but not before dragoco acquired FIS, the flavors division of Nestle, in 2002
Susan: in fact as far as i can tell, the only flavor companies that have NOT merged with Symrise are Takasago Izzyational Corporation and Fermentek Ltd.
Susan: which is in israel
Susan: Fermentek Ltd. is a biotechnological flavour company, located in Jerusalem, Israel, specializing in the research, development and manufacture of biologically active, natural products isolated from microorganisms as well as from other natural sources such as plant and algae.
Susan: 
Main products
    * Mycotoxins: Aflatoxin, Cytochalasin, Fumonisins, Gliotoxin, Penicillic acid, Zearalenone, Tentoxin, Deoxynivalenol, Citrinin, T2 toxin, HT2 toxin, Tentoxin, Moniliformin,
    * Imunomodulators: Tacrolimus, Sirolimus, Ascomycin, Myriocin
    * Ionophores: Valinomycin, Nonactin, Ionomycin
    * Special antibiotics and molecular biology reagents. thiolutin, wortmannin, K252a, Staurosporine, Bafilomycin, Alamethicin, Leptomycin, A23187, Chelerythrine, Oligomycin, Trichostatin A,
    * Experimental drugs and drug precursors: Parthenolide, Puromycin, Rapamycin, Anisomycin, Thapsigargin, cyclopamineThiostrepton, Staurosporine, Geldanamycin and its derivates: 17dmag, 17aag.
Susan: i don't think i'm entirely comfortable with these people making the flavors that go in my food...
Susan: no, wait, on May 3, 2007, Fermentek was acquired by the flavors division of Danisco in a deal reportedly worth €0.45 billion.
Susan: and Danisco already has a "strategic partnership" with Dragoco
Susan: they have virtually identical logos, in fact...
Susan: this is all the same company

* ufo weirdness
Susan: the story in a nutshell is that the the military A. contains high ranking officials who believe in flying saucers B. collected data which strongly supports the existence of flying saucers and C. do their best to suppress that data
Susan: these three things are a matter of public record
Susan: it's actually a funny story because the best thing they could have done is not even get involved, but instead they started putting together the puzzle.
Susan: random people with random stories about lights are easily laughed off. expert military observers, radar confirmation, and prompt and detailed records, not so much.
Susan: project blue book classifies a certain percentage of UFO sightings as "insufficient data", which means they don't know what it was, maybe swamp gas, maybe something more significant. They classify a further percentage as "unknown", which means they don't know what it was, and it CAN'T have been swamp gas, and therefore must either be something they don't understand (i.e. aliens) or a lie.
Susan: the "unknown" percentage is actually HIGHER among the sightings of "expert observers" i.e. people within the military trained to accurately identify and observe, and trusted to do so.
Susan: in other words, the better the data, the MORE it points to aliens.
Susan: this is not what they wanted to see.
Susan: project blue book was discontinued.
Susan: russia aparently had a similar episode, a "blue folder"
Susan: with which i'm much less familiar
Susan: one of the things about the field is there's just such a huge amount of data
Susan: this endless morass of accounts and speculation and bad logic and many many lies
Susan: we all have a mental compass that lets us tell truth from fiction on an intuitive basis. Some of us have a better one than others. I, of course, consider myself to have an exceptionally good one. but on this one particular subject alarm bells begin to go off which tell me it is not working well enough to be trusted.
Susan: UFOs are associated with bad information on a visceral level, to an extent that no other subject is. Just thinking about them produces a sort of queasy reaction because the subject is so foundationless. Religion is a fiction built on a set of flaws in the human mind which allow a special set of idea viruses to take control. It is a lie built on a landscape of social evolution.
Susan: UFOs are a lie built on a lie built on a lie, downwards to infinity.
Susan: a stormy sea of insanity and hoaxes and mistakes and exaggerations and coverups and paranoia
Susan: what's at the bottom? coincidences or aliens?
Susan: or maybe, could it be that there is no bottom? that it's just a whirlpool that sucks down and down forever?

* mtg games
Susan: you have to put together a bunch of bits which are more than the sum of their parts, but the order you get them is random
Susan: so it has to be a durable strategy as well as a clever one
Susan: also i like magic because it's so hideously, hideously complicated
Susan: the rules themselves are like a tax code, plus there's like sixty thousand different cards
Susan: most of which modify the rules a bit, sometimes a lot

Delta: the thing about lies is that you have to see them from the perspective of the person you're lying to if you want them to be convincing
Delta: so either you lie to yourself, or your brain takes on a kind of... flexibility
Delta: it develops opposable parts, like the fingers and thumb of a hand

* poetry
Susan: there is no poetry to be found in my suffering, or perhaps i have lost my taste for poetry

Susan: i think if someone was given my mind but kept their own memories, they would essentially turn back into me within a few months, because the way i think is very destructive of the fluff that lives are made of, it's self-correcting
Susan: wheras i think most people would live each other's lives without incident

Susan: there was a time when i used to argue passively
Susan: and, Izzyally, to think passively
Susan: not sloppily, just lazily
Susan: because i thought i was already right about everything
Susan: so it was just a matter of upkeep
Susan: it's weird, because it's hard to remember what it was even like
Susan: not just thinking like that, but life in general
Susan: it's like i started out entirely unconcious and became self-aware only very gradually as my life went on

Hawaii: http://jazzuo.com/games/sexyhands/sexy_hiking/sexyhiking.zip
Jennifer: GOD I HATE THIS

Jennifer: tom tourette's, the man who gives young children tourette's syndrome.
Hawaii: he wears a peter pan hat, and swears

Jennifer: mac and bloo are sitting around calling each other fatties
Hawaii: you're a fatty
Jennifer: YOU'RE a fatty!

Jennifer: what... is.... it.........
Hawaii: speleobox!

Hawaii: [shamwow.jpg]
Jennifer: i can't possibly follow that!

Hawaii: it's time to enter the octagon
Jennifer: mixed martial arts? at this hour? well, let me put on my shin guards...

Jennifer: prison called
Jennifer: you're wanted back
Hawaii: do they want to give me a trophy for cleverest escape?

Hawaii: why oh whyyyyyyy
Hawaii: wwwwwwwhyyyyyyyyyy ooohhhhhhhhhhhh wwwwwwwhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYY???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
Jennifer: DO WE MAKE CASTLES IN THE SKYYYYYYYYY

Hawaii: the answer is 5!
Jennifer: there was no question! you're fat, your head is full of lies, and pumpkin juices, and you're just a fat little girl overall!
Jennifer: in lesser countries, you would be hung and stoned and thrown off of a nearby cliff, with no sky bungee!

* cloning
Hawaii: In a family of robots the youngest was called So-On.
Jennifer: robots shouldn't be allowed to name their children
Susan: if i was a robot, i'd name my children "Copy of mary susan []" and "Copy 2 of mary susan []"

Hawaii: remember devo 2.0?
Jennifer: nno
Hawaii: http://video.aol.com/video-detail/devo-20-whip-it/3147847426
Jennifer: i don't like devo 2.0, hawaii

* food
Hawaii: holy bajoly, this has 590mg of sodium per serving!
Jennifer: ramen noodles?
Hawaii: and a serving is only 1/4 teaspoon!
Jennifer: how is that... possible
Jennifer: no... it isn't... possible

Hawaii: roo is the new boo!
Jennifer: :O
Jennifer: i'm going to... petition the committee... about this........

Hawaii: did you know portuguese is the sixth most spoken language in the world?
Jennifer: no, but now i do
Jennifer: thanks again, hawaii

Hawaii: fun fact: the galaxy has 200 billion stars in it. If you took a spaceship out to look at them, it's unlikely you would ever find earth again.
Jennifer: that's not a fun fact, it's a deeply chilling fact!

Hawaii: well, the other night when I was trying to make my friend come, I ended up with a cookie with a frosting face. It made me really annoyed, actually. 
Jennifer: what?
Hawaii: what?
Jennifer: a cookie with a frosting face?
Hawaii: you know...
Jennifer: No i do not
Jennifer: NO I DO NOT

Jennifer: what else happened...
Hawaii: the world ended!
Jennifer: so THAT explains the high brimstone index today

Hawaii: i was out in the yard at night, by a big tree that doesn't exist
Hawaii: and i was thinking about aliens, and then i saw an alien running along in front of the house!
Hawaii: actually he was brown, and had a big head, like an invader zim
Hawaii: and i chased him through the house, saying "come back here, you little mcmuffin!"
Jennifer: I don't like this
Hawaii: eventually i grabbed him and he sort of went goosh like a water balloon full of syrup
Hawaii: then i woke up!

Izzy: who's minerva?
Jennifer: theeeeee... roman goddess of arts and crafts, apparently
Izzy: you're the goddess of lies and fibs!

Jennifer: what's a trivial queen's tour?
Hawaii: it's a queen's tour where you can only go one place
Jennifer: what's a queen's tour
Hawaii: a way of moving a queen where it goes to every square
Hawaii: one time each!
Jennifer: it didn't go to each square on that one
Jennifer: is that because it failed?
Hawaii: the gray squares weren't on this tour
Hawaii: they're roped off with little velvet ropes
Jennifer: what is this from?
Hawaii: math

Jennifer: some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb...!
Jennifer: that's what he said while he was carrying that
Jennifer: he tried to throw it into a lake
Jennifer: but there were ducks
Jennifer: and then he tried throwing it into a building
Hawaii: ducks in suits
Jennifer: then he tried throwing it into outer space
Jennifer: but the ducks were having an important space launch

Jennifer: you know what's horrible?
Jennifer: v8 juice
Jennifer: it wouldn't be so offensive if they didn't advertise it as a thirst-quenching drink that you can just pull out at any time and enjoy
Jennifer: but then again, i can't think of a single occasion which WOULD call for a can of delicious v8 juice
Jennifer: because SUCH AN OCCASION DOES NOT EXIST
Hawaii: what if you had to feed a rabbit through a straw?

Jennifer: no it's not
Hawaii: then what is?
Jennifer: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Jennifer: UHHHHHH
Jennifer: uhuhfhulhul
Jennifer: hLUFHLUHFUFHAUHLAUHL
Jennifer: fhlafuhlhuldruhjlaHDSAUFHLuhuadsufhldsaufhlulfhalduHFDUHLUHFLUFHDUHLFADSUHLF

Susan: you're not being very constructive, Jennifer
Jennifer: i'll construct for you a prison, made out of shellac and bread
Hawaii: what's shellac
Susan: Shellac is a resin secreted by the female lac bug, on trees in the forests of India and Thailand. It is processed and sold as dry flakes, which are dissolved in denatured alcohol to make liquid shellac, which is used as a brush-on colorant, food glaze and wood finish.
Jennifer: well, we've all learned something today!
Jennifer: i learned more, though, because i always grow from my experiences
Jennifer: whereas you recede into the bog!

* phone
Hawaii: want some chicken soup?
Jennifer: yes
Hawaii: i'm holding out a bowl of it toward you
Hawaii: i'm reaching southwest
Hawaii: you have to reach the rest of the way
Jennifer: ok
Jennifer: HRRRRGH
Jennifer: EEEEEERRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

* mtg
Jennifer: life is so boring
Jennifer: what do people do all day
Jennifer: kill themselves?
Hawaii: they play MAGIC: THE GATHERING
Hawaii: then they have a bagel!
Hawaii: then they wait for things to load

* mtg
Hawaii: seize the day, Jennifer!
Hawaii: seize it!
Jennifer: i'll seize your THROAT! and strangle it!
Jennifer: Seize The Day would go well with this deck, actually
Jennifer: because i mill my library into my graveyard in order to get out one huge-ass creature

Hawaii: i wish i could work on the GEEK SQUAD
Hawaii: my tool would be... hammer
Jennifer: YOU'RE a tool! that's why your name is tooly hernández!
Jennifer: sister of shameful asian stereotype, coolie hernández
Jennifer: sister of dunce hat fashion model fooly hernández
Jennifer: and, yknow, etc.

* food
Hawaii: i ate.....
Hawaii: a tortilla
Hawaii: filled with honey mustard and walnuts and chocolate chips
Jennifer: disgusting
Jennifer: why would you put WALNUTS in there
Jennifer: where the HELL WERE YOU BORN
Hawaii: a hospital
Jennifer: one where all the doctors are antropomorphised walnuts?
Jennifer: morphic, i guess
Susan: the first thing would be funnier
Hawaii: what would that be?
Susan: just regular walnuts that people project human attributes onto

Hawaii: people have small, beady eyes
Hawaii: sunken into their faces
Hawaii: they can't see very well
Jennifer: no they don't!
Jennifer: i've seen people! they have perfectly normal eyes!

Hawaii: would CDs be so popular if they didn't have rainbows in them?
Jennifer: they microwave nicely, as well
Jennifer: really, i kind of detest the cd/dvd formats
Jennifer: they're good in that there are no moving parts, but you have to be so damn DELICATE with them
Jennifer: we need to go back to laserdiskette...

* food
Hawaii: is 10 minutes is too long to microwave gummy worms?
Jennifer: i don't like anything that comes in gummy or gummi form
Hawaii: they're sour though
Hawaii: they have sour sugar stuff on them
Jennifer: i imagine i'd like those even less
Hawaii: i put them on my ravioli
Jennifer: noooooo.
Hawaii: then, i put the bowl of ravioli in the microwave
Hawaii: and now, what will happen?
Jennifer: NOOOOOOO.
Hawaii: will they melt? or explode? or come to life?
Alan: it might help if you watched
Alan: to see that black smoke isn't pouring out of the microwave
Alan: in a waterfall of pure evil
Jennifer: i bet you that you just put a baby in there, in a hallucinogenic stupor
Jennifer: you're going to open the microwave and find exploded baby

Jennifer: no creature can cause a person to EXPLODE
Hawaii: what about the swordfish?
Jennifer: no!
Jennifer: that just pokes!
Hawaii: 
Hawaii: this animated gif says you are wrong!
Jennifer: that's not a person!
Jennifer: that's a BLOWFISH!
Jennifer: and even it wouldn't explode!
Jennifer: it would just slowly deflate and make a squeaky noise
Hawaii: you're racist!
Jennifer: BLOWFISHES ARE NOT A RACE
Jennifer: YOU MA'AM HAVE COMMITTED SLANDER!
Jennifer: LIBELOUS, FILTHY SLANDER!
Jennifer: I WILL SEE YOU IN FOOD COURT
Jennifer: the only court where the defendant must not only defend her innocence -- BUT ALSO HER RIGHT NOT TO BE EATEN!

Hawaii: what is HD?
Jennifer: HARPY DETECTIVE
Hawaii: HARPY DETECTIVE?!
Jennifer: YES
Hawaii: i've never heard of that!
Jennifer: good
Jennifer: because it doesn't exist
Jennifer: it's a lie!!

Hawaii: with peasants singing joyful songs as they work in the fields
Jennifer: they're FORCED to sing those songs! the songs are all about how they'll die if they stop singing!

Hawaii: this man could do it, if he were still alive
Jennifer: how did he die
Hawaii: cancer
Jennifer: oh
Jennifer: i was thinking "being too fat"
Noreen: he's not fat!
Jennifer: it's probably just the angle of the camera
Noreen: he doesn't even look fat!
Jennifer: it's what the camera DOESN'T show that counts

Hawaii: how do you like this dog
Jennifer: it's ok, i guess
Jennifer: i would get tired of looking at its face after a while... the laughs would subside and turn to digust!
Hawaii: how about THIS dog?
Jennifer: i 
Jennifer: hate 
Jennifer: that
[pause]
Susan: hedgehog?
Jennifer: i can't even bring myself to call it a dog
Jennifer: that's basically the hitler of dogs
Jennifer: bring on the next dog already, jeez!

Hawaii: what about this picture!
Jennifer: that's jupiter
Hawaii: you're jupiter!
Jennifer: YOU'RE jupiter! about as big as jupiter, maybe!
Hawaii: you're as big as jupiter, i'm the man with a saturn on his head eating spaghetti!
Jennifer: that guy is hella fat
Jennifer: about as fat as jupiter, which you are! fat as.
Hawaii: you're as fat as... the sun!
Hawaii: there, i won that argument. nothing is bigger than the sun.

Hawaii: hey, there's a bug on my desk
Jennifer: mine too
Jennifer: i named it hawaii
Jennifer: and i crushed it beneath my thumb

* food night
Hawaii: today's breakfast at midnight:
Hawaii: eggnog on cereal
Jennifer: no.
Jennifer: NO.
---
Hawaii: you don't even know how eggnog tastes!
Jennifer: it tastes like grossness and farts! THERE, I SAID IT! I SAID IT AND IT'S SET IN STONE.

Hawaii: he took that bar of gold out from the very bottom of the pyramid, and it all came crashing down!
Jennifer: he couldn't have had the decency to build a ladder and take it off the top, could he

* SAM
Hawaii: this part at the top with all the shafts is interesting to play in
Jennifer: i'm at 269 448 and there are no prospects
Jennifer: there's a bunch of shafts leading up
Hawaii: i'm already up to 259
[thumping noises]
Jennifer: what's going on over there? are you dead? 
Hawaii: no, i just fell down to 436
Hawaii: i think i found my way back to where i started going up the shafts though
Hawaii: i'm lost
Hawaii: oh wait, here we go
Hawaii: i retraced my steps to where i fell
[pause]
[thumping noises]
Hawaii: i fell down again
Hawaii: i'm going to try going further left
Jennifer: what the hell is "left"?
Hawaii: i mean, west
Jennifer: i haven't had any luck over there
Hawaii: where are you?
Jennifer: 568 389
Hawaii: i'm at 623 390 on the little tetris block in the big house
Hawaii: i think i can jump to the hill on the left
Jennifer: i'm at 679 399 now
Jennifer: there's nothing out west
Jennifer: just impassable upwards shafts
Hawaii: hmm
Hawaii: it looks like you are right

* food
Hawaii: i feel sick
Hawaii: from eating that microwaved gnocchi
Jennifer: microwaved ANYTHING will do that to you
Hawaii: NO
Jennifer: yes!
Hawaii: THE MICROWAVE IS OUR FRIEND
Hawaii: LET'S ALL GO AND HUG THE MICROWAVE
Jennifer: the microwave KILLS.
Jennifer: remember that baby who was raised inside an active microwave oven?
Jennifer: and he grew up to be superman, defender of earth?
Jennifer: that was just a fluke
Jennifer: normally it would just kill you.
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: sorry, but i have to revoke your license

Hawaii: oh, by the way..... the sun might not be our enemy
Hawaii: but i think it probably is.
Jennifer: well, it's bright
Jennifer: and a bright thing has never been good

Hawaii: how much does it cost to send somebody a fruit basket?
Jennifer: one soul

Hawaii: NO
Hawaii: YOU ARE WRONG
Hawaii: WROOOOOOOOOOOONG
Jennifer: i'm so right that your mind is currently in the process of breaking down into a million liquidy bits!

Hawaii: remember danforth strout?
Hawaii: he was purple
Jennifer: yes
Jennifer: horrible man...
Jennifer: no one should ever be purple!
Hawaii: what about slugs?
Hawaii: can slugs be purple?
Jennifer: nnnnnnnnnnn only if they remain delicious
Hawaii: how about ponies?
Jennifer: that's closer to pink than purple
Jennifer: but sure, they can be purple, really
Hawaii: how about slowpokes?
Jennifer: yes, slowpokes are great
Hawaii: pteradactyls?
Jennifer: never
Hawaii: cobras?
Hawaii: boys?
Jennifer: sure!
Hawaii: hedgehogs?
Hawaii: dogs?
Hawaii: octopuses?
Jennifer: octopi are always purple!
Hawaii: hand puppets?
Hawaii: spiders?
Hawaii: girls?
Jennifer: no! well, sure!
Wilson: first you say no one should ever be purple, then when asked if boys and girls can be purple individually, you say "sure!"
Wilson: which is it, senator?
Jennifer: l..look, that's the beauty of the town hall format, and we all appreciate the question, but there are some here who may not appreciate the way in which you've phrased it, so i'm, ah, i'm going to move onto the next question...

Jennifer: also: how can you have a dumpling of ice cream
Hawaii: well, that's a good question
Hawaii: it's like an orange sherbert lump
Hawaii: but the outside has become a sort of skin
Hawaii: almost like the skin of a peach
Jennifer: and what's inside
Hawaii: orange sherbert
Hawaii: melty
Hawaii: but not the skin
Jennifer: that's pretty useless

Jennifer: and hurry UP
Hawaii: but dat is a beeg mistake!
Jennifer: what
Hawaii: goin' up dere
Jennifer: oh god
Hawaii: just look at de world around you!
Hawaii: what else are you lookin' for!?
Jennifer: I HATE YOU HAWAII

Hawaii: and i thought to myself "am i a shark swimming over coagulated fields?"
Jennifer: "WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD"

Hawaii: beep beep!
Jennifer: no beeping!!!!!

* goat
Hawaii: what if we use the goatline?
Jennifer: that's down due to constant terrorist attacks
Jennifer: also, turns out goats love chewing through goatline cables

Jennifer: jack in the box has sent me three copies of the same email today, all of which have the subject line "It's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack."
Noreen: what's back?
Jennifer: their milkshake that has bits of oreos and chicken mixed in

Jennifer: Study: Portable Kiddie Pools Kill a Child Every Five Days
Hawaii: the same ones?
Jennifer: yes! endless lines have formed around these pools!

Hawaii: LAL ALALALAAAAAAAAAAALAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALAAAAAAAAA
Hawaii: i want to live in a better world
Hawaii: with sunnier shine and easier fun
Jennifer: too bad

Jennifer: what if your BABYSITTER... were a VAMPIRE?
Hawaii: a sexy vampire?
Jennifer: yes, but it would be unseemly for us to ever point it out
Hawaii: kids these days say unseemly things
Jennifer: kids should be seen and not heard!

Jennifer: how do i let myself get roped into falling asleep all day during summer...
Hawaii: pollen!
Jennifer: round up every last bit of pollen and see that it gets burned
Hawaii: that will just release more pollen!
Jennifer: what kind of horrible nightmare substance is this! why are we not regulating this stuff!

Hawaii: GIVE IT UP, JENNIFER
Jennifer: what!!!!!
Hawaii: the bucket!
Jennifer: for five years now you've been hounding me about the bucket, and not once in that time have you managed to display any indication that you're ready to peer within it!

Hawaii: blarfing: good for you?
Jennifer: cats do it. birds do it! even educated FLEAS do it! let's do it: let's BLARF

* enlightenment
Jennifer: okay you know what you did
Jennifer: You know what you did when you read me that chapter on the Dark Night?
Hawaii: what!
Jennifer: All you did was implant the idea into my head that what I have to do to feel better is oh, I don't know, just ACHIEVE ENLIGHTENMENT
---
Jennifer: I'll bet I'm NOT a dark night yogi
Jennifer: and that a dark night yogi isn't something that even exists
Clone-Sister: if you're in the dark night, you either want to push through to the end or totally ignore it
Clone-Sister: if you ignore it, it does eventually subside, at least to a degree where you don't notice it
Clone-Sister: usually the way it goes is that after the first A&P event, you keep having them sporadically every few years, and whenever it happens, you're back in the thick of the dark night
Clone-Sister: if you only had one weird experience, and it was quite a while ago, the lack of recurrence does suggest it wasn't A&P
Jennifer: fucking hell, I didn't sign up for this shit!!!
Jennifer: now look at all this fucking work I have to do
Jennifer: god
Jennifer: dammit
Jennifer: ass
Jennifer: fuck
Jennifer: MOTHER
Jennifer: FUCKER
Hawaii: take it from me, i love you!
Jennifer: TechCorp Systems, another helpful GloboChem company

* politics
Hawaii: does that mean the war on terror is over?
Jennifer: yes
Jennifer: the terror alert is -20 F at the moment
Jennifer: it's not a color by that point so much as a picture of chilly willy sliding around a frozen lake on his belly

Hawaii: what's the best font?
Jennifer: papyroid
Jennifer: an 8-bit version of papyrus

Hawaii: let's listen to the grateful dead!
Jennifer: i'm very "grateful" for that idea, but i think we should "not do that"!
Jennifer: here, listen to phish instead

Jennifer: ohhhhhh, my awful headaches...
Hawaii: the Buddha got headaches, you know
Jennifer: of course he did! he was a tumorous little fat ball of cancer!
Hawaii: know what he did about them?
Jennifer: cried and punched walls?
Hawaii: he nut up and shut up!
Jennifer: i think it's actually 'nutted'...

Hawaii: let's find a rock
Jennifer: there's millions of those outside!
Hawaii: i mean a big-ass rock
Hawaii: or maybe something like a cinderblock is better
Jennifer: what the hell do you need a cinderblock for!
Hawaii: i'll hoist it up and drop it on your face, my buddy

Hawaii: what's a FLOG?
Jennifer: beats me!
Jennifer: and it's on the deep web, so no one will ever find it.
Hawaii: what's the deep web?
Jennifer: it's the web that's underneath the surface web!
Jennifer: think of the internet as the ocean, hawaii
Hawaii: ok
Jennifer: google is a fishing boat, and trawls for crabs, or "webpages"
Jennifer: but underneath those crabs is a scary shark. that is the deep web.
Jennifer: the shark is just child porn, mind you
Hawaii: what are eels?
Jennifer: eels are muhajideen memos
Hawaii: what are cuttlefish?
Jennifer: mainly just photoshopped pictures of bush with poop on his head
Hawaii: what are sea anenomies?
Jennifer: child porn.
Hawaii: what's flounder?
Jennifer: a delightful animated sidekick!
Hawaii: what is a puffer fish?
Jennifer: delicious and poisonous!
Hawaii: what is it in terms of the e-internet?!
Jennifer: the what? what are we even talking about
Hawaii: if the internet is the ocean, what's the land? is that where people live?
Jennifer: yes, godamnit! i'm out of here!
Hawaii: but wait! what about submarines?

Hawaii: JENNIFER
Hawaii: YOU FORGOT
Jennifer: about what! prove it! you can't!
Hawaii: NINE ELEVEN!!!11
Jennifer: :OOOOOOO
Jennifer: i only forgot about it for a little bit, honest...

Hawaii: watch that first step, it's a doozy!
Jennifer: there are only doozies so long as you believe in doozies
Jennifer: i choose not to!
Hawaii: that's what twilight said
Hawaii: then she exploded
Hawaii: the moral was "always believe in doozies"
Hawaii: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8vKnG8CmcY&feature=player_profilepage#t=1122s
Jennifer: why the hell am i watching this

Hawaii: Jennifer i know what your problem is!!!!!!
Hawaii: you need a bowtie.
Jennifer: god no!
Jennifer: no!
Jennifer: why would you even...
Jennifer: jesus

Jennifer: good morning
Jennifer: and welcome to the pit of horrors!
Hawaii: hello!!!!!
Jennifer: over there we have a snake suspended from a string
Jennifer: that's it, basically, it's still a work in progress
Hawaii: is it a real snake, or rubber?

Hawaii: you're a knob
Hawaii: what do you think of that?
Hawaii: knob is a british insult, it means penis.
Jennifer: i know that! don't tell me what a knob is!
Hawaii: a knob is a penis.

Hawaii: i'm just going to.... hit you with a fish.....
Hawaii: hold still
Jennifer: get away from me! guards!

Jennifer: i'm slightly less on edge after reading about genuine arizona crazies
Jennifer: also, letters from functioning arizona crazies who believe that satan was responsible for jared loughner's actions
Jennifer: leeeeeeet's... play a video game to REALLY put my mind at ease
Hawaii: how about PUPPET OF SATAN II: KILLING SPREE
Jennifer: oh lord sweet christ no!
Jennifer: but... maybe?

* meditation
Hawaii: how was your meditation?
Jennifer: pretty good. i ended up playing picross 3d and listening to podcasts
Hawaii: in your mind?
Jennifer: no! that's entirely impossible!

Hawaii: let's make the best animal
Jennifer: giraffeigator. done

* wayside_school school
Hawaii: remember wayside school?
Jennifer: YES!
Hawaii: it was a magical school, built sideways, 100 stories tall!
Hawaii: remember sammy?
Jennifer: YES! MADE OF RATS!
Hawaii: just one rat!
Jennifer: MRS. BELLMORE WOULDN'T READ THAT STORY
Hawaii: one dead rat, actually

Jennifer: god, how is it THURSDAY
Jennifer: may this day rot in hell!
Hawaii: thursday is the best day!
Jennifer: for you to die!

Hawaii: what's this
Hawaii: what's all this!
Jennifer: david cross's new show
Jennifer: it's hilarious!
Hawaii: i was thinking about david cross the other day!
Jennifer: he sucks!
Jennifer: funny guy, though

* daily_show labyrinth muppet
Hawaii: he kneed jon stewart in the groin when he was on the daily show
Jennifer: name a single daily show guest who hasn't done that
Hawaii: j.......s.......f..ff.s.jimmy........jjjjjj.......stephen..ha.............fz.......s......s.....ssssss.......ss.......ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.........................MICHAEL STEELE!
Hawaii: he's a muppet, so he can't have knees.
Jennifer: congratulations, you have solved labyrinth and can see your stupid baby brother again
Hawaii: but you'll always be here if i need you, right?
Jennifer: no! not ever!

Jennifer: want me to sing you a lullaby?
Hawaii: yes... sing me may's lullaby from that one pokemon movie
Jennifer: ok
Jennifer: CANT READ MY 
Jennifer: CANT READ MY
Jennifer: NO HE CANT READ MY POKER FACE

Hawaii: what to do today?
Hawaii: whaaaaaaaat to do?
Hawaii: i'll watch anime!
---
Hawaii: there
Jennifer: WHERE
Hawaii: three hours of anime successfully watched!
Jennifer: YOU HAVE USED YOUR TIME IMPROPERLY

Hawaii: i had an idea for a new chatroom
Hawaii: it's called fun club!
Jennifer: that sounds like a recipe for disastrous calamity...
Hawaii: [fun club.jpg]
Hawaii: but i already had the logo made...

Hawaii: did you watch THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN?
Jennifer: no
Jennifer: is that a real movie that was on mst3k, or a lie you just made up?
Hawaii: the... the first one!
Jennifer: a lie, then, yes
Hawaii: he melts!
Jennifer: wait, isn't this a lie that i made up?
Jennifer: not too long ago, even?
Hawaii: at the end, a janitor puts him in a garbage can
Jennifer: i made up this lie, didn't i!
Jennifer: i don't even remember this lie, and you're just sitting here repeating it to me, aren't you!
Jennifer: that is exactly what's happening right now! admit it!
Jennifer: huh, wait, nevermind
Jennifer: i see it on myspleen
Jennifer: right now
Jennifer: huh.
Jennifer: what the hell is going on with my memory?!

Izzy: The term "website" baffles judge   (uk.news.yahoo.com)
Jennifer: does he have a powdered wig and theatrical binoculars?

Jennifer: behold! WINDOWS VISTA FREECELL!
Alan: that's the least exciting thing i've ever been asked to behold

Jennifer: sign my petition?
Bystander: what's it for?
Jennifer: legalized murder

Jennifer: my tv show is already on the chopping block
Jennifer: the executives said it scared children into a fitful stupor
Paige: "fitful stupor" is an oxymoron

* residents
Jennifer: The Residents are an avant-garde music and visual arts group who have created nearly sixty albums, created numerous musical short films, designed three CD-ROM projects, and undertaken six major world tours. Throughout their career, spanning nearly four decades, they have maintained complete anonymity. All public relations, interviews and promotions are handled by their spokesgroup, The Cryptic Corporation.
---
Jennifer: what in the name of what
Susan: that's a good expression
Susan: you're so dumbfounded, you can't even think of an appropriate oath

Jennifer: the only thing to outsell windows in poland in 1991 was "MINSK -- A VIRTUAL SIMULATOR!"
Paige: what did it simulate
Paige: also you're a liar
Jennifer: the city of minsk.

* lie jennifer's_house jennifer's_past
Wilson: your house had only one closet yet you bathed in a giant seashell?
Jennifer: yes! the neighborhood referred to it as "sterbenkrank's folly" when we got it installed
Jennifer: there was a red ribbon celebration and the mayor appeared

Jennifer: you know what i hate?
Jennifer: flash games where you click on flowers to make them bloom
Alan: i've only played...
Alan: i guess i've played a surprising amount of those, yeah.

Alan: you know, it's odd
Alan: squirt has real fruit flavor, yet tastes the most artificial
Jennifer: well, it's artificial fruit
Jennifer: they just steal it from the ikea store and denmarket

Jennifer: that settles it
Jennifer: i'm going to be the world's foremost minesweeper
Alan: too late
Alan: that title already belongs to larry
Jennifer: larry's dead. i'm new larry.

Jennifer: konami is forbidding reviewers from discussing the 90-minute-long cutscenes in the new "metal gear solid" game
Wilson: that's longer than the average eddie murphy movie
Jennifer: i think we've reached a bold new age in absurdism when video games are allowed to do things like that...
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: it's time for an eddie murphy career retrospective, isn't it
Jennifer: but only from 1996 on, of course

Jennifer: hold on
Jennifer: what the hell is this!
Jennifer: what the hell is this!!
Izzy: it's... rodney sherwood
Jennifer: i HATE HIM
Izzy: he does the voice of dr. brain
Jennifer: he does the voice of my NIGHTMARES
Izzy: he needs the work...

Hawaii: you're a weemee
Jennifer: well you're a meenee!
Jennifer: a blue one.

* animorphs muppet
Hawaii: remember how ax was always eating cinnamon buns and cats?
Jennifer: you're thinking of RALF, the lovable alien muppet who disguised himself as a piano-playing dog muppet
Jennifer: later he went on to play the english patient and lord voldemort

Susan: i like to imagine he's the same salesman in the travelling salesman problem
Susan: and that the whole play is a lengthy hypothetical situation with important implications for computational math
Jennifer: well, it isn't!

Jennifer: i used to eat cups full of sugar
Alan: that's absurd
Jennifer: someone should have gotten that locked down, but no one did...
Jennifer: it started off with me pouring cups of sugar that i would dip bananas into
Jennifer: i guess i must have thought that the banana was too much trouble, because it got dropped from the equation after a while

Jennifer: [11th commandment.gif]
Jennifer: imagine if that actually was one of the commandments
Jennifer: complete with the ...STUPID. part
Susan: i don't think hebrew even has an elipsis though, does it?
Jennifer: religious scholars would probably focus on it more than any other portion of the bible
Susan: assuming judaism even survived
Susan: it might not have, with stupid commandments like that
Jennifer: i like how commandment 11 gets a whole third tablet
Jennifer: much bigger than the other two!

Izzy: you know Jennifer, the MPAA sent me an angry letter about pirating princess protection program
Izzy: i think you're a bad influence
Jennifer: hfhehfhheheheheheheheh

Izzy: About what rainman1344 said...I remember I was n 6th grade when this season 1st aired and watched it every saturday when it came on...AH THOSE WERE THE GOOD OL' DAYS...
Jennifer: when did that season first air
Jennifer: less than five years ago?
Izzy: hmm
Izzy: it seems like it was more than that
Izzy: 1999
Izzy: wait, you don't even know what show he's talking about
Jennifer: what does that matter
Izzy: well, why did you guess?
Jennifer: i didn't guess, i just figure five years is about the cut-off date for anyone reminiscing about "the good ol' days"

Jennifer: up now: a TWO-HOUR SPECIAL on the first book by the "the da vinci code" guy
Jennifer: they spend those entire two hours debunking his novel
Jennifer: for you see, it's actually a two-hour special about a book that was written to refute the claims presented in the da vinci code guy's novel
Paige: you can't "debunk" a novel
Jennifer: of course you can!
Jennifer: they're sitting there with a tiny x-acto blade
Jennifer: just cutting out each individual word
Paige: that's not what debunking means

Wilson: ok, criticize something
Jennifer: s.....s......................suck it, horseshoe!

Jennifer: i don't know
Jennifer: i deleted it as soon as it finished sending
Jennifer: in a fit of panic and horror
???: i see
Jennifer: well, no, that was a lie
Jennifer: or was it?

Jennifer: starting off a serial killing career in the woods must be boring
Jennifer: honestly, how many people just go traipsing in the woods alone, or in small numbers?
Susan: a fair amount
Jennifer: how often do they come across rickety old cabins, though?
Jennifer: where serial killers live?
Jennifer: just waiting for someone to kill, serially?
Susan: very rarely, but that's because of the low number of serial killers
Jennifer: someone needs to change that
Jennifer: america.. needs to change that

* internet copyright
Jennifer: napster was the first one i used
Jennifer: or, no
Jennifer: SCOURGE was, technically
Jennifer: and i started using napster in one of its beta phases
Jennifer: (i'm old school!)
Jennifer: i remember XXXXX was the one who told me about it
Jennifer: before both of those, i used... private aol chatrooms!
Jennifer: it must have been around .. 1997 or 1998, probably the latter, when predator90 on aol told me about private aol chatrooms
Jennifer: you'd go in there, use a trigger to get sent a file list through aol email, and then use another trigger to get sent the song for the corresponding number you put in
Jennifer: the mp3 would be emailed to you by shifting crap around on their crappy aol servers, and voila! instant mp3, sitting in your inbox
Jennifer: yeees, it was a glorious time for little fat old me! music piracy ahoy, while being completely ignorant to the ramifications of my actions
Alan: this reminds me of that montage on billy and mandy that shows how mandy has always been full of hate
Alan: even in the womb

Jennifer: i think my old jalopy of a scanner is a visioneer
Jennifer: occasionally it starts talking, and the lid flaps in time with the words
Jennifer: it creeps me out, so i have to jab it violently with the business end of a broom in order to make it stop
Izzy: checking my email now, for the password for the registration for the site for the dll for the driver for the scanner
Jennifer: i'm sure you could get it somewhere else
Jennifer: somewhere that doesn't require e-mail registration
Izzy: well, i got it to run
Izzy: it still can't see the SCANNER, but...
Izzy: hmm
Jennifer: clearly what you have to do is go to the ceo of visioneer's house, as she's eating dinner with her family, and smash the scanner over her head
Jennifer: and then scan her bloodied, lifeless head while her family sits there crying
Izzy: that would require a working driver

* comic tall_comics
Wilson: i still have to write this comic
Jennifer: just do a christmas panel
Jennifer: get all the characters together and draw sexy santa hats on them

Jennifer: remember the real rules of fight club?
Jennifer: namely peace, love, and understanding? (What's so crazy about)?
Alan: that sounds right
Alan: that and putting lye on your hand
Alan: to teach yourself a lesson about rampant consumerism
Hawaii: why is lye about consumerism?
Jennifer: look, look over here, the camera is zooming through a teapot handle!
Hawaii: it all makes sense now!
Jennifer: we are NOT our "stuff", except when we're our fight club dvds and quotes!

Jennifer: that's IT
Jennifer: i'm cutting funding for our 2d animation studio
Jennifer: it's not going ANYWHERE
Izzy: remember Allegro Non Troppo?
Jennifer: yeah
Jennifer: let's just dub that and release it
Jennifer: at least we might be able to break even on this disaster
Izzy: it doesn't have words, it's animations set to classical music.
Jennifer: then let's replace the classical music with a pop soundtrack, add narration by morgan freeman, cut out 20 extraneous minutes, and release it as "sass cat: the movie"
Izzy: will "sass cat" be the sad cat that walks around the ruins of the house it used to live in, seeing it as it once was through the power of imagination, in "The Sad Waltz"?
Jennifer: yeah
Jennifer: we can add sunglasses on him, if need be

* comic tall_comics
Jennifer: have arnold be the ending
Jennifer: arnold, from the magic school bus
Jennifer: as well as the iguana
Wilson: what's arnold's catchphrase, again?
Jennifer: "i think i just made a poop in my pants!"
Wilson: no.
Jennifer: "i think someone on this bus pooped out of fear!"
Wilson: no poop jokes.
Jennifer: "i think wilson pooped"
Wilson: that's clearly not his catchphrase.

Wilson: why are you so contrary?
Jennifer: i'm NOT!
Jennifer: i mean
Jennifer: well, it all stems back to my childhood, i suppose.
Jennifer: SIT DOWN, BECAUSE THIS IS GOING TO TAKE A WHILE
[Jennifer wanders off, mumbling about taffy]
---
Wilson: you kind of implied it would take a while because it was a long story
Wilson: in fact, it's just taking a while because you wandered off mumbling about taffy
Jennifer: oh, uh
Jennifer: i've just been sitting here, recounting the entire story in my head
Jennifer: many laughs were had... by ME!

* rewind
Jennifer: bonk on the noggin
Izzy: is that a british pop/punk group?
Jennifer: the what?
Izzy: the noggin
Jennifer: what british pop/punk group
Izzy: BONK ON THE NOGGIN
---
Jennifer: i thought you said is that THE british pop/punk group
Jennifer: like, as if you were referring to some lie i made earlier
Jennifer: soooo, to answer your question
Jennifer: yes. yes it is.
Izzy: you can't retroactively make up lies
Jennifer: i can do damn well what i damn well please to do! let's roll, baby!

* disneyland
Susan: The great thing about mr. toad's wild ride, aside from the seizure-inducing lights and the appaling cheapness of the effects, compared to the rest of disneyland, is that whether or not you're in a car is highly questionable through the whole proccess. You run down some people and the police are after you, you go through a door and you're in a courtroom and the judge is already banging the gavel to sentence you to jail. Are you still conceptually "in a car" at this point? You'd think not, but you get out of the courtroom by running over some more people and busting out the side door.
Jennifer: just imagining that they made a ride in which you kill everybody in your path is hilarious!
Susan: The thing is, the way it works in every other ride is that you're just an observer that's not really there, or at most, in the character's shoes. OR, the whole place goes together like an actual physical setting. You're in a hotel, or a temple, or outer space.
Susan: But this one has toad hall connected to the docks connected to the courtroom connected to hell connected back to toad hall
Susan: You'd THINK that means you're an invisible observer. But no, you're actually in a car.

* idea
Hawaii: Hawaii and Jennifer: They're not cops!
Jennifer: that sounds like the name of a new hit nbc series
Jennifer: entitled "WHO'S THE COP?"
Jennifer: it would be about a series of criminals who suspect one of their own as a rat
Jennifer: so they'd just slowly shoot each other over the course of 400 episodes
Susan: how many of them would there be to start with, 400?
Jennifer: uhhhhhh, no, maybe like 24
Susan: so one would die about every 16 episodes?
Jennifer: yeah
Jennifer: they bleed to death VERY, VERY slowly, mind you
Susan: in the end, who's the cop?
Jennifer: you, the audience!
Jennifer: at the end, the last dying criminal, slowly bleeding to death, turns to the camera and says "NOOOOO... NOOOOOOOO... IT WAS YOUUUUUUUUU! ALL ALOOOOOOOOONG"
Jennifer: then it ends

Jennifer: I'LL miss her forever...
Wilson: you don't even know her name!
Jennifer: jermemrmr?
Hawaii: that's racist!
Jennifer: that's not... i never... the last thing... ... no...............

* SAM mall
Jennifer: i was hoping to find a job here due to the wide variety of stores
Hawaii: because you're wide?
Jennifer: thinking of a way to turn that into a clever retort about how fat YOU are!
Jennifer: thinking...
Jennifer: thinking...
Jennifer: i've got it!
Jennifer: YOU'RE TOO FAT!

Jennifer: i wish i was at hogwarts
Jennifer: i could use a spell to make me not be so fat!
Jennifer: then i could MURDER HARRY POTTER.
Izzy: i like to imagine harry potter is watching this conversation
Izzy: that he's viewing your memories though a pensieve
Jennifer: a pensive?
Jennifer: a pen sleeve?
Izzy: the silver bowl full of memories that dumbledor keeps in his office
Jennifer: a perceive?
Izzy: it's not a real word
Jennifer: a bowl of boiled lard?
Izzy: yes, a bowl of boiled lard. that's what I meant to say.
Jennifer: that
Jennifer: that's gross!

Jennifer: ok, how about this:
Jennifer: a skeleton...
Jennifer: playing the piano.
Susan: i'm speaking of metaphorical skeletons
Jennifer: yeah, i know!
Jennifer: a metaphorical skeleton, PLAYING THE DAMN PIANO
Susan: what the hell is THAT a metaphor for
Jennifer: the shared universal dream!

Alan: remember that horrible ET game, that thousands of were buried in a landfill?
Jennifer: yeah
Jennifer: in new mexico
Hawaii: why did they make it?
Jennifer: steven spielberg oversaw its production personally
Jennifer: in fact
Jennifer: he made every bit of it himself.
Alan: no.
Jennifer: yes he did
Jennifer: or, wait, no
Jennifer: his brother phil did
Jennifer: phil spielberg.
Alan: no.
Jennifer: howard spielberg.
Jennifer: howard... schlossberg.

Jennifer: i remember the time that i accidentally turned the oven on
Jennifer: unaware that there was a styrofoam box of hot wings inside it?
Jennifer: for hours, horrible carcinogenic steam arose from the oven and made my eyes water unbelievably
Noreen: what kind of idiot puts a styrofoam box in an oven?
Jennifer: well, a goblin did it, obviously.
Jennifer: are you calling that goblin an idiot?
Jennifer: because that goblin is homeless and doesn't have a place to put his food, and he doesn't take kindly to people who insult his position in life. he's a hard-working goblin.
Noreen: he could put it in the cupboard
Jennifer: NO ONE IS GOING TO HIRE A DAMN GOBLIN, NOREEN!
Noreen: well, not one who puts styrofoam boxes in ovens
Jennifer: he's got disabilities
Jennifer: i kind of want hot wings now

* goat
Alan: you got that song from babe the gallant pig stuck in my head
Jennifer: it will remain there until you die...
Jennifer: that's what we in the business refer to as a goatmine
Alan: and what business is that
Jennifer: the world.. goat mine... humanitarian... super league?

Jennifer:
JXQMDNVK said... 
Hi, 
I read your blog. It was interesting. Blogging is fun.
Regards,
Snowmobile Insurance 
4:35 PM
Izzy: sadly that's better that most of the real comments
Izzy: i like how spam email is just an ad, but spam comments compliment you in front of other people
Jennifer: this is true
Jennifer: i'm going to name my firstborn snowmobile insurance
Izzy: what will you name your lastborn?
Jennifer: END OF THE LINE
Jennifer: actually, there'd be a comma at the end
Jennifer: so it'd be END OF THE LINE, STERBENSKRANK

Jennifer: i was out back recently, and a construction bee approached me
Jennifer: he just flew up from the distance
Jennifer: i figured he'd keep going past me, but he just RAN UP RIGHT NEXT TO ME
Jennifer: and just STOOD THERE
Jennifer: as though he was CHALLENGING ME
Susan: there's no such thing as a construction bee.
Susan: you may be thinking of the groobee from gumby.

Susan: let's stop talking about michael richards and focus on an actor truely deserving of our time and attention
Susan: brent spiner
Jennifer: remember when he played the farting villain in the dana carvey disguise movie for kids?
Izzy: i never saw it
Jennifer: it was called "the dana carvey disguise movie for kids"
Jennifer: it was 60 minutes long
Jennifer: with literally 20 minutes of credit outtakes and gags attached at the end
Izzy: how long is mary poppins?
Jennifer: nine hours
Hawaii: and counting!
Izzy: what do you mean "and counting"?
Izzy: it came out decades ago
Hawaii: no. starting now
Izzy: starting WHAT now?!
Hawaii: the mary poppins bonanzafantasia!

* idea film
Jennifer: you should make a movie about my lifelong romance with the english language
Jennifer: you shall call it...
Jennifer: LE FROMAGE D'AMOUR HONNGNGOHONGGHONGGGG
Wilson: that's not even an english title
Jennifer: no! it's ironic!
Wilson: Honngngohongghongggg isn't even a word
Jennifer: no, i suppose not
Jennifer: that's
Jennifer: uhh
Jennifer: absurd
Jennifer: ity
Wilson: and I wouldn't describe it as a romance. It's more like you stalk the english language and occationally violently attack it
Jennifer: it's the romantic event of the summer!
Jennifer: people will recoil in their seats, weeping
Jennifer: there will be a pair of tentacles installed under every seat
Jennifer: what happened
Jennifer: where am i

* comic tall_comics wilson's_house
Jennifer: WILSONNNNNNNNNNN
Jennifer: let's make a COMIC
Jennifer: ABOUUUUUUUT
Jennifer: TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES
Jennifer: or, for short, TEEMUNITURT!
Wilson: I'm drawing my regular comic
Jennifer: YOU'RE GOING TO DIE AND NO ONE WILL MISS YOU
Jennifer: NO ONE
Jennifer: THEY'LL SAY "WHERE'S WILSON"
Jennifer: AND I'LL SAY "I REMEMBER, BUT I'M NOT TELLING YOU!"
Jennifer: AND THEY'LL SAY "OH OK WHATEVER JENNIFER, WE LIKE YOU BETTER ANYHOW"
Jennifer: AND I'LL GET ALL MANNER OF HUGS AND KISSES!
Jennifer: THEN I'LL VISIT YOUR GRAVE SOLELY TO KICK DIRT UPON IT
Jennifer: AND THEN I'LL EAT THAT DIRT AND VOMIT THAT DIRT ONTO YOUR GRAVE IN THE ULTIMATE SHOW OF DISRESPECT
Jennifer: AND I WILL LAUGH
Jennifer: OOOOOOHHHHHHH HOW I WILL LAUGH
Jennifer: I'LL LAUGH LIKE THE DICKENS, ASSHOLE! LIKE THE DICKENS!

* deep_thought book
Susan: "ever get the urge to take the top of a pine tree and just bend it back really far and then let go, just to see all the stuff that would go flying out?"
Jennifer: hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Jennifer: no
Jennifer: we have a few pine trees out front
Jennifer: i should do that
Jennifer: i imagine the stuff flying out would consist ooooooof...
Jennifer: coconuts, monkeys, spies, and x10 spy cameras
Susan: are you sure you're not thinking of palm trees?
Jennifer: oh, yeah.
Jennifer: those.
Jennifer: pine trees have pines, don't they.
Susan: they have pine NEEDLES...
Susan: and pine CONES...
Jennifer: yeah.. pine...
Jennifer: hmm.

Jennifer: do you suffer from any major illnesses?
Izzy: nothing major, no...
Jennifer: well, have you considered contracting one for the get-well-soon card money?
Izzy: couldn't i just invent a dying child to do the dying for me?
Jennifer: no, that would require being a child
Izzy: not on the internet
Izzy: i'll start a blog for them
Jennifer: i'll start a blog to fund your coffin purchase
Izzy: for the dying child?
Jennifer: for YOU
Jennifer: and the fake dying child
Jennifer: i will pose you as pedo and pedee after you both die
Izzy: the dying child isn't real though
Izzy: it has no body
Jennifer: right, i'll just steal the corpse of a dead kid, or maybe just murder a live one
Izzy: why not steal a coffin while you're at it?
Jennifer: what am i, some kind of SAVAGE?

Jennifer: do portabello mushrooms actually have meat on them?
Izzy: they're MUSHROOMS
Jennifer: i mean
Jennifer: portabello mushroom burgers
Hawaii: mushrooms are fungus!
Jennifer: PORTABELLO MUSHROOM BURGERS
Izzy: how would i know? does that sound remotely like something i would eat?
Jennifer: yes!
Jennifer: all the time!
Jennifer: you stuff your fat face with them constantly!
Jennifer: IT'S THE ONLY THING YOUR FAT FACE EVER HAS COMING INTO IT
Jennifer: you're like wimpy from popeye, except you're fat and you inhale portabello mushroom burgers!
Izzy: wimpy from popeye IS fat
Jennifer: exactly!

Jennifer: the new meeting room has a digital overhead projector in it
Jennifer: it is... the most fascinating thing i've ever seen.
Susan: all our classrooms have that
Jennifer: i imagine most of our rooms here have them
Jennifer: i just haven't bothered LOOKING
Jennifer: it's just like the indians and columbus!
Jennifer: i wasn't aware of the technology, so i couldn't see the approaching ships!
Jennifer: i'm sure i've accidentally stepped on like... 300 of them! i just assumed that they were really big, solid, quick rats!

Hawaii: somebody made a boo-boo
Hawaii: was it you?
Jennifer: i made him out of clay
Jennifer: i stuck a parchment scroll in his mouth
Jennifer: it read "Fetch me pic-a-nic baskets"
Jennifer: the pic-a-nic baskets are all part of my five year plan to wipe out the jews
Wilson: i knew this would involve jews
Jennifer: that's because you're a part of the zionist conspiracy!
Jennifer: i wish i had some of those tasty scrolls......
Jennifer: they taste like honey, you know
Jennifer: it says so in the bible
Jennifer: they were basically old testament style fruit roll-up scrolls
Jennifer: with inspiring words of wisdom on each one

Jennifer: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Jennifer: you knooooooooow
Jennifer: XXXXX moved to portland
Jennifer: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Alan: what!
Jennifer: what
Alan: you screamed
Jennifer: oh
Jennifer: let's make a river of floam
Jennifer: pouring out of an erupting floam volcano
Jennifer: with an evil genius' floam hideout hidden inside said volcano
Jennifer: i bet i would vomit if presented with floam
Jennifer: much like i used to get nauseous around gak
Alan: you complain about invader zim a lot, but it's all a smokescreen, i now realize...
Alan: you ARE invader zim
Alan: the screaming, the vomiting, the constant threats of death
Jennifer: i wish i could pull off my head and have an alien head underneath
Jennifer: it would explain a lot

* food
Jennifer: this kfc food bowl of food isn't altogether awful...
Jennifer: i think when you cram enough different types of food in a single bowl, the tastes kind of cancel each other out
Jennifer: in this case, they've crammed in a bit of every single food item they have on their menu
Hawaii: is this what garfield eats?
Jennifer: three kinds of melted cheese curds and popcorn chicken and french fries and chunks of corn and mashed potatoes with gravy
Jennifer: well, two bites of this was enough
---
Jennifer: i threw that food bowl of food into the incinerator
Jennifer: the ethanol extract from the corn should keep us fueled for the harsh winter months ahead of us
Hawaii: but we live in arizona!
Jennifer: i've made a grave mistake.

* pawn_shop SAM
Jennifer: if someone tells you it's silver, that's when you bring out the magnet
Jennifer: and then you tell them, silver isn't ferrous, it shouldn't be attracted, and they storm out going "fucking assholes FUCK"
Susan: did you have a big comical horseshoe magnet?
Jennifer: no... that would've been good, though
Jennifer: sometimes instead of telling them silver isn't ferrous, i would say "Croikey, magnetic silvah! this is a scientific breakthrough! Do you have any idea how much this is worth?!"
Jennifer: or slowly look up at them from the magnetic silver and just stare at them indefinitely

Susan: we have a glut of entertainment
Susan: an overflowing cornucopia
Susan: that would make the richest kings of the olden times vomit with oversaturation
Jennifer: no we don't!
Jennifer: well, wait.
Jennifer: i DO have a couple of tv shows i downloaded
Jennifer: and a movie i pirated
Jennifer: and several episodes of mst3k
Jennifer: and video games
Jennifer: but
Jennifer: i'm sooooooooo BOOOOOOOOOOOOORED
Susan: you're dulled by excess
Jennifer: obviously! now let's build a rocket and FLY ME TO THE MOOOOOOON!
Wilson: you hate the moon
Jennifer: i love it!
Jennifer: i hate the SUN, wilson!
Jennifer: the moon is my friend
---
Jennifer: the moon sucks!
---
Jennifer: that was uhhhhh
Jennifer: a fabrica...tion...
Jennifer: of

Wilson: right
Wilson: well, i won't be watching any of these
Jennifer: that's a fair choice
Jennifer: instead, waaaaaatchhhhhhhhhhh............. fffffffffffffffffffffffff.............
Jennifer: whale guts
Jennifer: the motion picture
Jennifer: whale guts iv: the voyage home
Jennifer: whale guts v: the undiscovered country
Jennifer: whale guts vi: the new batch -- of whale guts
Jennifer: whale guts vii: back in the habit (of slippin' around on whale guts)
Jennifer: whale guts viii: the unofficial fan edit
Jennifer: whale guts ix: insurrection
Jennifer: whale guts x: bring in da funk, bring in da noize
Jennifer: whale guts xi: reunion
Jennifer: whale guts xii: salazar's revenge
Jennifer: whale guts xiii: golden receiver
Jennifer: whale guts xiv: the final chapter
Jennifer: whale guts xv: whale guts in space
Jennifer: whale guts xvi: remake of whale guts v: the undiscovered country
Jennifer: whale guts xvii: dominion -- prequel to whale guts
Jennifer: whale guts xviii: before the time of whale guts
Jennifer: whale guts xvix: fffffffffffffffffff............
Jennifer: whale guts xx: fffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.fffffffffh......ffffffff..........flluhhhhhhh............fhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........
Jennifer: whale guts xxi: a new beginning
Jennifer: see if you can find those on bittorrent

Alan: frankly, i think people make a bigger deal out of new york than it really is
Alan: it's not like it has its own background music
Jennifer: of course it does
Jennifer: "NEW YORK, NEW YOOOORK, IT'S A HELL OF A TOWN!" starts booming from the sky as soon as new york comes into sight from your plane
Jennifer: occasionally it's thunderous enough to throw the plane off track into the hudson river
Jennifer: they've been trying to clamp down on that

* chiropractor
Jennifer: besides, my neck problem would just waste her time
Jennifer: she'd see it and go "oh man, what is this bullshit? think of all the lives i could be taking instead of dealing with THIS idiot"
Jennifer: and i would use my mental powers to make her brain explode and pour out of her ears
Jennifer: NOW who's the idiot, DOC?!

* threat
Jennifer: i'm going to focus VERY HARD until your BRAIN EXPLODES, IZZY
Jennifer: it might take a while
Jennifer: it might take 90 years!
Jennifer: you might be in a COFFIN when it happens!
Izzy: you can't focus hard for 90 years
Jennifer: i know
Izzy: or even an entire minute, I'd wager
Jennifer: i'll just sit here rotating my neck some more

* money
Alan: i don't really need any more money
Jennifer: i do
Jennifer: i will steal your entire bank
Alan: i use a credit union
Jennifer: no union can defeat my fists of fury
Jennifer: and intimidating mask
Alan: you're going to rob the arizona central credit union with your fists and a witch doctor mask?

* space_camp
Jennifer: ready to go home to alabama?
Susan: i went to space camp in alabama

* religion soul
Jennifer: i actually signed away my soul already, in like grade 6
Wilson: to whom?
Jennifer: some kid in my class named jason
Jennifer: i think i got his soul too, though
Jennifer: there was a lot of soul signing that year
Jennifer: "year of the lost souls", they called it
Wilson: what did you do with the document?
Jennifer: i forget
Jennifer: probably threw it out eventually
Jennifer: i wonder if that means ownership of his soul reverted
Jennifer: i have no idea how it works
Jennifer: i should call him and ask him if he still has my soul
Jennifer: i doubt it

Susan: they were named like CHANGED BEAST and CHANGED TIGER and CHANGED CHAMELION, typically
Susan: and there were about barbarians with animal heads, although oddly, not the ones mentioned in the titles
Susan: CHANGED TIGER had the head of a falcon or something
Susan: and typically they came from a tribe of... other animal-headed people, i guess
Susan: and were ostracized or something, and the book was about their adventures
Susan: the books all took place in the same world, but there was very little in the way of an overall plot
Susan: but not all the books followed this formula
Jennifer: were they any good
Susan: there was one, titled EVERY TWO OR THREE MILLION YEARS
Susan: which was about a strange man, not a buff barbarian type like the others, but kind of a thin, sneaky fellow
Susan: with a head like a crescent moon or a slice of an orange
Susan: and with multicolored reptilian skin
Susan: some of the others on the back had plot summaries explaining how like THE KRU-GAR SELDOM MATE WITH THE PFEEEPAN, FOR WHEN THEY DO, A CHANGELING IS BORN... or something like that
Jennifer: they sound terrible
Susan: this one had a similar thing, but it just talked about how this character, who i don't think had a name, evaded his school days, that he had some amazing power to skip forward in time at an incredible rate, and that such as him was born only... EVERY TWO OR THREE MILLION YEARS
Susan: and i was fascinated because it seemed impossible to write a story about this guy
Susan: especially a schlocky standard one
Susan: all the stories started by describing this big fat orangish tree
Susan: the world they live in is rather dreary and without much to look at or describe
Susan: brownish, dark, with hills and not much plant life
Susan: often raining
Susan: anyway, this one was different because although it starts with the description of the orange tree, it starts halfway into the sentence
Susan: like james joyce or something
Susan: from an outsider's perspective, the time-skipping guy simply disappeared for years at a time and only showed up for a few seconds in between, and was very strange
Susan: from his INSIDER's perspective, from which the book was entirely written, there was more of a fading in and out
Susan: a black rain would start to fall, and people would start to ignore him
Susan: and then the world would lose its detail and become poorly rendered and full of innacuracies and childish demons and such
Susan: a silly-looking demon would wave to him, and he would run to it, because no one else could see him, and it would say something like I THINK YOU LEFT YOUR PHONE ON, and gesture to his house with a mean smile, and his phone would be on fire and ringing with a message about how he should go to hell or something
Susan: and then the world would simply fall apart into complete blackness
Susan: and then the cycle would happen in reverse

Susan: remember in avalon how ash's dog disappeared?
Jennifer: no
Jennifer: i don't remember who ash is
Susan: the main character
Jennifer: that was ceilidh
Jennifer: that much i remember, because it's a stupid name
Susan: remember last time i brought up avalon, i said "remember avalon?" and you said "yes" and i said "no, i mean the movie" and you said "OF COURSE YOU MEAN THE MOVIE! WHAT ELSE COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE REFERRING TO!"
Jennifer:  no!
Susan: well, that's exactly what happened
Susan: and now here you are confusing it with the comic strip...
Jennifer: well, what else could you have possibly been referring to!

Paige: i find that a little hard to believe
Jennifer: i find your face a little hard to believe
Jennifer: what are all those weird, craggy fat deposits on it? could it be eczema?

* travel
Susan: if everyone in the world but you disappeared, and you had to go to australia, how would you get there?
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: i would fly there, i suppose
Susan: from where?
Jennifer: the nearest small charter airline
Jennifer: at sky harbor, probably
Jennifer: is this question inspired by "the quiet earth"?
Susan: no, i don't know what that is
Jennifer: it's a movie about an australian man who wakes up to find that everyone on earth has disappeared
Susan: is it good?
Jennifer: enh...
Susan: what kind of plane would you take
Jennifer: the smallest i could find
Jennifer: i imagine that would be the easiest to pilot..
Susan: do you think a cessna's going to make it across the pacific, though?
Jennifer: hmm, that's true
Jennifer: and i doubt i'm going to find one of those planes that can tread water anywhere in arizona
Jennifer: i suppose in that case i'd drive to san diego and look for a... boat...
Susan: what kind of boat
Jennifer: one of the houseboats or yachts you always see tied to the harbor
Jennifer: from that point on i would just need to learn how to hotwire a boat..
Susan: it might be simpler to find the keys
Jennifer: yeah..
Jennifer: actually, a small motorboat would be a lot easier to operate anyhow
Susan: again though, a motorboat's not going to cross the ocean, the ocean is extremely large
Jennifer: right, but you could bring fuel with you
Susan: even if fuel and the engine spontainiously crapping out wasn't an issue, there's still storms and such to worry about
Susan: tiny boats can barely make it from cuba to florida, and from san diego to australia is about a hundred times that
Jennifer: that's going to be a problem no matter what
Susan: i'd rather be in a cruise liner during a storm than in a motorboat
Jennifer: i suppose...
Jennifer: it'd be a lot harder to fix that if something goes wrong, though
Susan: you could bring a motorboat IN the cruise liner
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: sure
Jennifer: well, you couldn't operate a cruise liner on your own, though
Jennifer: those require several people
Jennifer: a yacht is easily manageable with one person, though
Jennifer: and that could probably fit a motorboat as well
Susan: i wonder if that's strictly true, about cruise liners
Susan: it seems like you could operate one on your own, you'd just be racing around and you'd be increadibly slow to react to anything because you'd have to do a lot of stuff
Susan: but i mean, it's all computerized now, isn't it? isn't there some giant boat that's actually run entirely by computer?
Jennifer: yeah, it's all computerized, more or less
Susan: it'd just take a while to figure out...

Jennifer: DISK with a K is technically short for DISKETTE
Jennifer: as in FLOPPY DISK
Alan: so you're saying my hard disk is a hard diskette
Jennifer: the "hard" is what differentiates it from a floppy diskette
Alan: and a diskette is...?
Jennifer: just a thing!
Alan: a diskette is a floppy disk, Jennifer
Jennifer: just like a hard disk is a hard diskette!
Alan: so it's a hard floppy disk
Jennifer: yeah, but that cancels out the floppy
Jennifer: so it's just a hard disk
Alan: which came first, the hard disk or the floppy disk?
Jennifer: punch card diskettes
Alan: punch cards were cards, as the name asserts
Alan: not diskettes
Jennifer: i didn't say punch cards, i said punch card diskettes!
Jennifer: you know, the kind jumpman was originally shipped on
Alan: punch card diskettes do not, and have never, existed
Jennifer: they were the same general size and shape as laserdiscs, except they were made of paper and had holes punched in them
Alan: if they were so big, why were they called diskETTEs?

Alan: i just got to the part in american dad where roger repeatedly imitates stan saying "water"
Alan: which i remember you describing to me for some incomprehensible reason, months and months ago
Alan: which clearly must be a mistaken memory
Jennifer: which episode is that?
Alan: 611
Jennifer: oh, right, yeah
Alan: did you ever actually describe that scene to me?
Jennifer: i doubt it
Jennifer: it certainly couldn't have been months ago, since that episode first aired this month
Alan: the way i remember it is that you accused me of making a reference to the scene, then had to explain what you thought i was making a reference to, and i still didn't understand you at all

Jennifer: turns out military dogs are actually given ranks
Jennifer: one higher than their handler
Jennifer: apparently it's led to no less than three deaths on the battlefield
Alan: how?
Alan: general dogs ordering people to go after bones that are a bridge too far?
Jennifer: i was going to say that one bark is generally taken to mean 'run into open gunfire' while two barks means 'don't run into open gunfire', but yours is a lot better

Noreen: remember the brainomatic of the year award?
Jennifer: NAY
Noreen: it's the only award that recognizes excellence in automated human brains
Jennifer: HOW'S IT GOING SO FAR
Noreen: how's what
Jennifer: AUTOMATED HUMAN BRAINS
Jennifer: HAVE THEY TAUGHT AUTOMATED BRAINS HOW TO SAY "AY CARAMBA" YET
Noreen: don't ask me, you're the one with the award
Jennifer: THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE, I'VE NEVER RECEIVED THIS AWARD BEFORE
Jennifer: OR PERHAPS THEY'VE SIMPLY FAILED TO NOTIFY ME
---
Jennifer: perhaps you are not aware that i was named BRAINOMATIC OF THE YEAR last year!
Jennifer: the only award promoting awareness of automated.. human.. brains.
---
Jennifer: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Hawaii: why did they build phoenix in the middle of a desert?
Jennifer: because the american spirit was still retardedly arrogant in the 50s, back when this city really took off
Jennifer: everyone thought we could truly conquer this shitty patch of god-forsaken land!

* 3D_printing lyttle_lytton
Alan: everybody's all talking about how great 3D printers are, but really they don't actually do anything useful
Jennifer: sure they do! plastic cakes! heads!
Alan: nobody needs those
Jennifer: what if you were born without a head
Alan: then a plastic one wouldn't be much help
Jennifer: that's why you print out a plastic brain to go with it! you're always so pessimistic about every godamned thing; i'll kill you!
Alan: i mean, what do i own that could be 3D printed? keyboard? nope, that has electronics. Chair? no, has to be comfortable. Bowl? no, it has to be smooth and microwavable. fork? i'm afraid plastic forks are already cheaper than 3D printed plastic forks
Alan: pants? i think not
Alan: pencil? nope, doesn't work
Jennifer: picture frame!
Alan: i don't have a picture frame
Jennifer: people would like you more if you did.
Alan: i guess my DESK could be 3D printed, although you'd have to assemble it together, and the drawers probably wouldn't work
Alan: and actually, how do you assemble a multipart 3D printed object? my desk is held together with screws... plastic screws screwing into plastic with a plastic screwdriver?
Jennifer: yes!
Jennifer: also, the magic of tv editing
Alan: it doesn't sound pleasant, i think it'd be less work to just buy a desk
Alan: really when you think about it, there's not a lot of small objects whose function depends only on shape and not on material
Jennifer:  
Jennifer: 3d printed egg cup!
Alan: i also find it implausible that this would be a sensible thing to send into space
Jennifer: you shouldn't send egg cups into space, i'll grant you that
Alan: even if todd the luckless cosmonaut accidentally loses an entire set of space tools in a black hole, it would take up less space to bring an extra set of space tools than to bring a 3D printer
Alan: what's the idea, that they're going to get into space and be like WHOOPS, WE FORGOT TO BRING AN ALAN WRENCH
Jennifer: or a copy of "Clue"!
Alan: you don't need a 3D printer to play clue
Jennifer: yes you do, how are you going to have plastic game pieces without a 3d printer!
Alan: just use sprockets
Jennifer: if you remove a single sprocket, the ship will explode.
Alan: can the 3D printer even print pieces that will stick to the board in zero gravity? i contend that it cannot.
Jennifer: of course it can! just stick some glue toner in there!
Alan: even if that were a thing, which it isn't, the pieces would be permanantly stuck to the board

* clifford film
Jennifer: but he's considerably shorter than everyone else! it couldn't possibly be martin short in a schoolboy uniform
Izzy: he's just SLOUCHING DOWN IN HIS CHAIR AND HUNCHING HIS SHOULDERS
Jennifer: well how do you explain the mildly high-pitched voice!

Jennifer: i'm a sick, sick person!
Hawaii: what are you sick of?
Jennifer: ll....lid cancer? is that a thing?
Susan: not really
Susan: you can "flip your lid", but i don't believe the "lid" in that idiom maps to a body part
Jennifer: i always assumed that was literal, not an idiom...
Susan: what would it mean literally?
Jennifer: you know, the top of your head flips open, steam comes out, tiny gremlins with pitchforks...

Jennifer: it's time to learn how to set traps
Hawaii: just plant some cactuses
Hawaii: you have to plant them on sand, though
Jennifer: you don't plant anything on SAND!
Hawaii: i saw joe hills do it!
Jennifer: i don't like you hanging around this joe hills
Jennifer: he's a bad influence...
Hawaii: but he has his own themesong
Jennifer: is it from 'the sound of music'
Jennifer: does his theme song simply serve to assert that, yes, he's actually alive?
Susan: no, it's much bolder than that
Susan: not content with merely being alive, it claims that joe hills can conquer death
Jennifer: in minecraft, maybe! and that's only because that game gives you infinite lives!
Jennifer: it is... a terrible... video thing.
Jennifer: well, the best show is starting
Jennifer: time to lie down and listen to that
Hawaii: why not lie down and listen to the joe hills themesong?
Hawaii: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-j_S9QUNhQI
Jennifer: NO

* suicide
Jennifer: looks like i can buy rango at my grocery store for only $17 this week
Alan: good deal
Jennifer: these are the worst deals i've ever seen! why the hell are they discounting back to school items in the middle of JULY!
Jennifer: i should just stick a gun in my mouth...

Izzy: ohhhhhhh, what to do today
Jennifer: film a talk show
Izzy: hm
Izzy: i don't want to
Jennifer: but thou... eehghhhh...

Izzy: my mother doesn't believe old dogs is a real movie, you know
Jennifer: she's right to do so!
Izzy: she can't believe something so terrible could exist
Jennifer: it exists outside of time and sapce
Jennifer: well, how did you describe it to her?
Izzy: i mainly described the scenes where the kids mix up the pills and robin williams hits two people in the crotch with golf balls
Izzy: and where john travolta gets attacked by penguins
Jennifer: did you recount john travolta's CGI rictus, though?
Jennifer: that's one of the more inexplicably horrifying elements of that film

Jennifer: here, i found your new wallpaper
Alan: hmm
Alan: that fratty elf is straight out of a college humor parody of a seth mcfarland show

Jennifer: man, i really don't like roald dahl's stories at all
Jennifer: it's satisfying to know that he was a nazi
Izzy: i thought he was a world war II flying ace
Jennifer: he was the red baron!
Izzy: he was on the english side!
Jennifer: history is a multi-tangled thing
Jennifer: like so many cables in a server storage room

Wilson: You just said he was b L lipton
Jennifer: I'm asian, I mix up Ls and Rs.

* fair SAM
Jennifer: OHHHHHHHH, i should... toss a bomb... at america...
Susan: it's comments like that which get us on the no-ride list
Hawaii: and i want to ride the gravitron!

* space
Jennifer: did they ever launch... shuttle
Izzy: i don't know what that is
Jennifer: SPACE SHUTTLE
Izzy: yes, they'e launched the space shuttle many times
Jennifer: the penultimate shuttle!
Izzy: i don't know, i don't care about shuttles
Jennifer: that doesn't mean you shouldn't know about their launches!
Izzy: it does mean that
Jennifer:  
Jennifer: no!
Izzy: yes
Jennifer: what if a shuttle is due to crash right into your house
Jennifer: surely you'd want to know about THAT ahead of time!
Izzy: that would never happen, ever.
Jennifer: there are very few reasons why it couldn't!
Izzy: there are MANY reasons why it couldn't.
Jennifer: name but eighteen!
Izzy: it would be stupid, illegal, preposturous, wasteful, costly, my house is too small a target even if it were a desirable one, it goes against the astronaut code of honor, the space shuttle has to land on water, NASA wouldn't want the bad publicity...
Jennifer: go on!!!!!
Izzy: everyone involved would die, NASA doesn't have the clearance to do it, technically it's a condo not a house, and only the inside of unit #7 belongs to me, the building looks identical to nine other buildings in the same area, no one at NASA even knows who I am, if they did they would have no reason to land the shuttle on me, and even if they did it would be stupid to publicize such a plan, and if they did somebody would tell me anyway, i wouldn't have to go looking for the info, and also it's a mean thing to do, and.......... because noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.
Jennifer: well
Jennifer: okay. maybe they wouldn't crash a space shuttle anywhere near you
Jennifer: but allah help me if i ever find a koran genie i know the first thing i'm going to wish for

Jennifer: new business idea: a store that offers to encase your head in a delicious doughy pastry cube
Jennifer: i think it would be mostly found in malls
Susan: i'll invest on the condition that we also sell my new pomegranate lemonade mixers
Jennifer: sure, we can sell those as flavored Injectins®

* black_eyed_peas music_video
Izzy: which features all sorts of voxels
Jennifer: those aren't voxels!
Izzy: they ARE voxels!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jennifer: in no way are those voxels! for god's sake, i'm losing my mind!
Izzy: how are they NOT voxels!!
Jennifer: they're high-resolution pixels that imitate voxels! why would anyone waste their time with voxel rendering in this day and age!
Izzy: by that logic, there's no sexy girls in the video either, just high-resolution pixels imitating sexy girls! don't be so pedantic!!!
Jennifer: don't be so anti-pedantic! next you're going to be calling your car a wheel, and then you'll crash right into the edge of the sidewalk!
Izzy: calling a car a wheel is a perfectly valid... uh...
Susan: synechdoche.
Izzy: thank you!

* my_little_pony
Izzy: you know who's another great character that appears in only one scene, is the guy who runs the quill and sofa store
Izzy: it has a sign showing a quill and a sofa, and indeed that's all they sell
Izzy: except they're out of quills
Jennifer: what use would ponies have for a quill
Jennifer: why would they have even INVENTED quills!
Izzy: unicorn ponies have telekinesis! now shut up and listen!
Jennifer: you're not going to launch into the humpty dance, are you?
Izzy: on it's own, this store would be simply stupid, but what makes it ridiculous is that the owner's cutie mark is also a quill and a sofa
Izzy: that's his reason for existence!

* my_little_pony
Hawaii: remember when twilight sparkle turned her parents into cacti?
Jennifer: i can't parse that sentence

* dream
Hawaii: i had a dream that somebody said you were a layabout!
Hawaii: and you got mad and put up a big box of ideas that you were thinking up!
Jennifer: how the hell did you get that box!
Jennifer: that's my box...
Hawaii: thinkomancy!
Jennifer: ah, the blasted art of the boffins...
Jennifer: please head to brain removal immediately.

Alan: what kind of metal is cyan?
Jennifer: the walls in wolf 3d
Jennifer: wolfenite
Alan: touché

Jennifer: man, what the hell is with t-mobile!
Jennifer: i would have paid my bill two days ago, but their site is completely broken
Dealer: just pay your bills automatically
Dealer: set up a thing......
Jennifer: yeah, i will
Dealer: make bill paying chores disappear... with easypay.....
Jennifer: i'll make YOU disappear, using the powers of the mind!
Jennifer: send you straight to the cornfield, i will
Jennifer: fill your head with corn mush...
Dealer: "we know all your secrets....."
Jennifer: name one!
Dealer: you.... you like to wear women's clothing
Jennifer: name two!

* okcupid
Izzy: ok, now all i need is the "you should message me if" section
Jennifer: "...y'all like BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS!"
Izzy: what's that supposed to mean
Jennifer: personal space, property zones...
Jennifer: any boundary
Izzy: i'm very respectful of boundaries
Jennifer: you regularly scream directly into children's ears when they get too close to you!
Izzy: i've never done that once!
Jennifer: never too late to start...
Izzy: in any case i don't think i want to filter potential dates by whether they like boundary violations
Jennifer: <a href="http://www.bitgamer.com/imagebucket/1287424066038.gif" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://www.bitgamer.com/imagebucket/1287424066038.gif</a> just use this picture
Izzy: just as an exercise, could you put into words what "you should message me if" condition that picture conveys?
Jennifer: if, you know, you're prone to seizures that send you falling down stairs
Jennifer: it's an acquired taste, to be sure...

Jennifer: dubai has sunk back into the sea
Alan: are their tall funny buildings still sticking out?
Jennifer: only tony hawk's skateporium-slash-parking garage...
Jennifer: the world's tallest either of those things
Alan: it's taller than the burj khalifa, is it?
Jennifer: that is the goddamned implication! i can't take any more of this!

* music
Susan: every song in these days was by some jerk "and his orchestra"
Susan: how long before we get a band with an actual NAME
Jennifer: i don't think that happened until the beatles
Jennifer: and even they were known in their early years as 'Gomer Beatles and Their Orchestra'
Susan: Gomer Beatles and THEIR orchestra?
Jennifer: YES GODAMNIT
Susan: what the hell is THAT supposed to mean?
Jennifer: good times for all involved and those in the nearby vicinity!
Susan: they were known COLLECTIVELY as gomer beatles, and they had an orchestra on TOP of that?
Jennifer: yes! what is so hard to understand about the most important facet of american pop culture!
Susan: gomer beatles and their orchestra is the stupidest name i've ever heard
Jennifer: you've had fifty plus years to take it up with them!

Alan: you're not very helpful
Jennifer: i dare you to find someone who is
Alan: touché.

* politics
Jennifer: you know what really grinds my gears, is liberals trashing michael moore
Jennifer: it's as though by making movies that have any chance of mass viewing he's betraying the establishment of sensible liberals with no political influence whatsoever
Jennifer: they ostracize him as a propagandist, but his films really are small crimes of propaganda if they are at all
Wilson: he's fat and he has a flair for emotional rhetoric, but he's basically an honest person and a good filmmaker
Wilson: people pick on him because they're casting around for a bad liberal to yell at in order to achieve balance
Jennifer: yeah...
Wilson: he's gotten better, too
Wilson: Sicko was basically faultless

Jennifer: wasn't he trying to force her to do it or something
Jennifer: I don't remember the movie very well
Jennifer: also he runs over a horse with a steamroller
Jennifer: after he goes to jack in the box and threatens to kill himself until someone says that they love him
Jennifer: then he orders an ultimate cheeseburger and a chocolate shake
Wilson: who are you talking about?
Jennifer: gaston from beauty and the beast.

wilson's_family
Jennifer: hypnotism seems dangerous
Wilson: how so
Jennifer: it seems like it could create false associations with memories fairly easily
Wilson: oh, certainly...
Wilson: my father was a professional hypnotist, you know
Jennifer: I didn't know that, no
Jennifer: does he look like this
Wilson: no, he looks like a viking lord who's just burst in from the snow carrying an elk he killed or something
Wilson: he's not a hypnotist anymore, now he's some kind of get rich quick schemer
Wilson: with most people that would be sad, but he's probably going to succeed, he's just doggedly competent at everything
Wilson: he has like 7 degrees, ranging up to PHD
Jennifer: I remember you mentioning that before
Wilson: very useful person to have around if you need help with some practical activity, but rather tiresome as an authority figure
Wilson: like, i said to my father a few months ago "how do i unbind a book?"
Wilson: and he says "how thick is it?"
Wilson: "not very thick"
Wilson: and he says "i have a machine for unbinding books"

Wilson: do you think the daily show got funnier as it got deeper into actual news?
Jennifer: yeeeeah, though i'd hardly say that's only by VIRTUE of their increased coverage of actual news
Jennifer: the writing and cast has wavered over the years, with its high points and low points
Jennifer: but yeah, the daily show is probably the prototypical example of balancing genuine perplexion/rage with maximum laffs
Wilson: i guess i'd prefer things to err on the side of relevant rather than funny
Jennifer: yes, i'd agree, but we can get the same effect from actual commentators as opposed to people who are just supposed to be on stage telling jokes
Jennifer: it's not like i'm saying people should conform strictly to telling jokes in a conventional manner..
Jennifer: i don't have a problem with what andy kaufman did, even though i don't find him funny
Jennifer: it's not like david cross is breaking some unwritten rules by going up there and just rambling about politics for two hours
Jennifer: but if he wanted to be a political commentator, then it seems like he chose the worst career path in life imaginable
Wilson: what do you disagree with david cross on?
Jennifer: i don't disagree with him on much of anything
Jennifer: but i don't find him at all FUNNY, either
Jennifer: bill hicks had the exact same problem
Jennifer: screaming what every sane person knows to be true doesn't constitute humor
Wilson: yeah, i'm not a bill hicks fan

Susan: it's a great font, isn't it
Susan: despite only going to p
Jennifer: I'LL DIE!
Jennifer: I MEAN YOU'LL DIE!

* castlezzt
Susan: An Estonian is like a tree. His appearance is completely different when he is looked at from the west, the east or from other directions. His various shapes cannot be discerned from under the shadow of the tree crown; they become visible at a distance.
Susan: i don't think i buy that
Susan: i'd say "an estonian is an annoying guy who comes to your website and probably calls you a fag and then claims you're a robot"
Jennifer: a tree can call you a fag, if it's the howling fag spruce of the northwest pacific

* lie
Susan: i have a great idea for a new identity
Izzy: hooray
Susan: or did i ALREADY have it?
Susan: maybe i had it ages ago, and you know it! BUT YOU DON'T KNOW IT'S ME
Susan: but no, this is a new one!
Susan: one of these days, though
Susan: you'll be sitting in english 102 and the old professor, with his bowtie, will say "now, if you'll all turn to page 3 of your handouts, you'll see Izzy's head photoshopped onto edvard munch's The Scream..."
Izzy: >:(
Susan: and he'll pull off his rubber mask to reveal he's really me! and i'm a girl! my long, beautiful golden hair cascades down over my vest...
Susan: harp glissando!
Izzy: you're dumb! die!

* TV house_md
Susan: i like how the opening scene of house md has gone from a dramatic twist to basically a running gag wherin they try to confuse us as to who will be the one to suddenly fall to the ground dying
Susan: in one of the recent ones, there's a doctor and nurse arguing about the doctor drinking before surgery, and suddenly the doctor falls to the floor bleeding out the corner of his mouth
Susan: and the nurse says "OH MY GOD" but then the camera zooms out and we see it was ALL A SOAP OPERA SET
Susan: and then the fake nurse says "no, wait, i think something's really wrong with him!"
Susan: and he gets back up and says "well, you're the only one..."
Susan: the director yells cut, and the actor playing the doctor leaves the set and gets in his limo
Susan: but the limo isn't taking him home! the driver locks the doors! he's being kidnapped
Susan: and his kidnapper is... HOUSE MD!
Jennifer: i
Jennifer: hate...
Jennifer: that show!

Susan: what gets me is gender-segregated single occupancy restrooms
Jennifer: they do that because men piss all over the seat, and women don't want to deal with that.
Jennifer: our employee restroom is always a godawful mess
Susan: i wonder what would happen if you labeled the rooms "clean people" and "filthy people" and had appropriate icons
Susan: probably no one would use the filthy people room, and it'd be much cleaner

* dream
Susan: i was looking in the mirror in the blue bathroom at the underground house
Susan: and i had a hole in me, just below my shoulder
Susan: it was yellowy and slimy, like a rotten pumpkin
Susan: and i was hollow inside with kind of pumpkin guts, i remember sort of pulling the hole open bigger
Susan: it didn't hurt, it was just weird
Jennifer: man, this seems way too indicative of your psyche to go around telling people. If I had this dream nobody would EVER KNOW

Jennifer: none!
Susan: sure you can!
Jennifer: not a single one!
Susan: what about the letter H
Jennifer: you need sticks for the serifs
Susan: what about a triangle
Jennifer: y.. same deal
Susan: triangles don't have serifs
Jennifer: it's about time they did!
Susan: what about the letter I
Jennifer: that... is.. a false prophet
Jennifer: you will all be deceived by this I

Jennifer: let's watch the original "war of the worlds" again
Jennifer: that was a good one...
Jennifer: the 2005 one with tom cruise was horrible, though
Jennifer: there's a scene early on where the tripods are first introduced and tom cruise starts running away, and literally every single person in the frenzied crowd aside from him ends up getting reduced to ash by the alien heat rays
Izzy: the original war of the worlds was a radio show
Izzy: you can't "watch" a radio show
Susan: actually, it was a book
Izzy: well, you can't watch that either
Jennifer: yes you can!
Jennifer: you can watch it sit there, not reading itself
Izzy: why would we do that?
Jennifer: the words may assume a life of their own after a while, and pop off the page, marching in sequence to "in the hall of the mountain king"

Jennifer: there, that's 20!
Jennifer: YOU LOSE
Hawaii: what was it
Jennifer: a wallet
Susan: she guessed that
Susan: "does it pop"
Jennifer: wallets do not pop.
Susan: as in "pop goes the weasel".
Susan: the weasel is a wallet, and by pop, the ryhme means the wallet opens to pay for something
Susan: it's a darkly humorous portrait of the cycle of poverty afflicting workers in the east end of london.
Susan: so hawaii wins and you lose
Jennifer: you kn... NO SHE DOESN'T

Susan: i watched clue because of an animated gif from it on dump.fm
Susan: of mrs. white trying to explain about the flames inside her head
Susan: clue was a hilarious movie because it was so true to the board game, i think
Susan: and because being true to the board game involved a ridiculously convoluted plot
Susan: a bunch of random people with silly names running around in a mansion trying to figure out which one of them killed somebody
Susan: how do you make a movie in which not only the killer is a mystery, but also the location and the weapon?
Susan: and in which the suspects would be solving the case, rather than some detective?
Susan: plus you have to introduce all these rooms and silly secret passageways
Susan: and the odd assortment of weapons.......
Susan: they really did a remarkably good job of sticking to the game
Jennifer: they released a version of clue themed after the movie
Jennifer: clue: the movie: the game
Jennifer: it's the same except that the box has tim curry on it

* dump
Jennifer: i closed my remaining firefox window
Jennifer: FYI
Jennifer: now you have complete attention, 100%
Jennifer: fully focused and alert at all times
Susan: i have dump.fm open
Susan: it's a huge distraction
Jennifer: oh yeah, XXXXX mentioned that
Jennifer: do you have a.. thing
Jennifer: invitering
Susan: http://dump.fm/chat
Jennifer: oh
Susan: it's like talking to me, but worse
Jennifer: jesus
Jennifer: man, this is pretty much exactly what i need

* dr_seuss film
Jennifer: remember pontoffel pock, where are you?
Susan: no
Jennifer: it was a dr. seuss movie, he wrote it and they animated it
Jennifer: like the hoober-bloob highway and whatever
Jennifer: it was about this lonely idiot pontoffel pock who gets a job and then does it wrong and they fire him
Jennifer: so this grand intergalactic consortium of little elves takes pity on him and gives him a magical flying piano that can take him anywhere he wants to go in the world
Susan: that's ridiculous
Jennifer: yes!
Jennifer: so he tries different places, you see, and they're all these zany ethnic stereotype lands
Jennifer: and due to his incompetence at everything he just causes more trouble and is completely rejected by everyone
Jennifer: the end.
Susan: the grand intergalactic consortium of little elves would never give someone a magical piano
Susan: at most they'd show them a magical piano and then wipe their memories.

* school
Jennifer: a friend of mine from high school wrote on my oft-ignored facebook, asking for an update on my life...
Jennifer: i don't know how to tell her that i've managed to lose all my friends and do nothing with my life
Susan: send her a blingified picture of yourself putting the barrel of a gun into your mouth
Jennifer: hmm, yeah
Jennifer: that'd be pretty hilarious, actually

* dump
Jennifer: who are these dorks!
Susan: gif animators
Jennifer: i hate all of them as much as it is conceivably possible to hate something
Jennifer: which one are you
Susan: SUZZZZZY
Jennifer: this site is like a jg ballard novel
Jennifer: i hate it and i can't look away
Jennifer: i don't think i can keep up with the internet, susan
Jennifer: it seems like this is the exact point where it has officially outpaced me

* TV house_md
Jennifer: i'd call it "the doctor whose name is house and is a grumpy grumperkins"
Jennifer: they'd just shorten it to "grump"
Jennifer: "watch out for GRUMP, this friday after monk!"
Jennifer: eventually monk and grump would be merged into one show called mump
Susan: i'd start competing shows called pump and lamp
Susan: they'd be shots of the interiors of well furnished homes, but with clever camerawork
Susan: lots of panning, lots of tracking shots
Susan: overhead shots, etc
Susan: and massive overuse the hitchcock effect
Jennifer: boo!
Jennifer: MY show would have shots featuring an amazingly high depth of field!
Jennifer: i'd place one character right in front of the camera and another character way off in the distance
Jennifer: they'd hold all of their conversations in a giant open field
Susan: let's send these ideas to hugh laurie and see if he'll sign on

* grid_anomaly weirdness
Jennifer: i went stargazing recently
Jennifer: fun fact: telescopes aren't very impressive
Jennifer: i got to see a few nebulas and galaxies, but they all looked like vague spit on the lens...
Susan: did you see the grid anomaly?
Jennifer: no, that's not real

Susan: a problem appears which i did not anticipate
Susan: "fire" has two meanings
Jennifer: fire is hot
Susan: the question is, do i just use both meanings, or what?
Jennifer: no
Jennifer: use neither
Jennifer: make fire your own word
Susan: that's basically what i did last time
Susan: but it won't work in this context
Susan: maybe i should just start over with a different word
Susan: what word, though
Susan: i guess i'll try door
Susan: i think i'll go by size this time too
Susan: i think seven words is probably enough context
Wilson: that's far more context than you've given us

Susan: You know, I'm one person you wouldn't want to have to sit next to on a plane
Susan: Because I tell very long stories that go nowhere, and didn't even happen to me, but rather a fictional character
Jennifer: I KNOW THAT
Susan: Or I'll just recite long lists of events that don't even add up to a story, per se
Jennifer: YOU ALSO RAMBLE ABOUT YOUR DREAMS AND OTHER THINGS

Susan: quick, identify the people i show you!
Susan: 
Jennifer: jimmy durante
Susan: 
Jennifer: elvis mitchell
Susan: 
Jennifer: ingrid bergman
Susan: 
Jennifer: milo
Susan: 
Jennifer: stick stickley
Susan: that was dick cheney, mike huckabee, nancy pelosi, barack obama, and a cinnamon stick with googly eyes
Susan: your score is 0 out of 5
Susan: your score for your entire life up to this point is 28 out of of 11411400.
Jennifer: that's not true! what about the time i met that guy from the phoenix suns who later went on to crash his car into a YMCA?
Susan: you think you deserve points for that?
Jennifer: well, sure! i delivered the stuff that he fell asleep on while driving!

* idea bee
Susan: if a tiny little worker bee can turn into a big fat storage bee full of sweet, bee-fresh honey, that's a pretty good trick
Susan: and it's one that evolution would just keep leveraging, i imagine, until it resulted in bees the size of minivans
Susan: after a few thousand years of this kind of thing, the actual volume of the biomass of earth might start growing at an exponential rate
Susan: turning it into some kind of gas giant, only made of giant bloated bees
Susan: in time, creatures would evolve to deal with the harsh conditions, the gravity, the atomospheric pressure
Susan: there would be extinctions, maybe even massive extinctions of all macroscopic life, but in time life would find a way back to the state of bees again
Susan: until either the bee planet grows so large it collapses into a white dwarf or whatever it'd be, i doubt a black hole
Susan: or, somehow life escapes out into space and fills the whole universe with bees
Jennifer: i imagine at some point they'd become totally complacent with their size and just wander around all day coating the streets with honey
Jennifer: but i like to imagine they'd still be yellow and black striped, because that's funny to think of
Jennifer: giant bee the size of a house, maybe with tiny little wings and legs
Jennifer: they wouldn't fly though, they'd be too fat
Jennifer: so they'd just slowly slide around like street sweepers, in the pre-dawn hours
Jennifer: children would gather with sparkler fireworks...
Jennifer: miyazaki would make a whimsical anime mythologizing our giant bee street sweepers
Jennifer: "The Barfy Bee N Me," it would be called, and would feature an all-star cast in the disney dub

* star_trek
Susan: i'm norman mailer, you're john buffalo mailer
Jennifer: i'm gordon lish, you're gordon parks!
Susan: i'm a primary EPS conduit, you're a secondary EPS conduit
Jennifer: i'm the 2006 national state quarter series, you're the crying indian on the side of the road who hates litter!
Susan: i'm donald barthelm, you're dan rather
Jennifer: i'm murrow, you're agnew!
Susan: i'm science news, you're wired

Jennifer: i remember seeing some show about a woman with midgetphobia
Jennifer: she couldn't even be in the same room as one
Jennifer: the producers naturally found situations in which a midget would be present, or perhaps planted
Jennifer: like a busy nightclub
Jennifer: she ran out crying and sobbing, referring to the midget as "it"
Susan: that should've been the whole series
Susan: this one woman, being provoked by cleverly planted midgets
Jennifer: yeah, that would've been good
Susan: did they ever deliver a box to her house, only to have a midget pop out when she opened it?
Jennifer: seven midgets
Jennifer: they immediately ran into her house and started breaking her plates, while singing a song about it
Susan: here's the big question: what would the intro be?
Jennifer: the woman pleading with the producers to stop tormenting her, and threatening them with lawsuits
Jennifer: her pleading ends when a midget incidentally wanders into the room
Susan: i was thinking something more artsy
Susan: like maybe all shot from the same point outside her house, at midget-level, in high-speed
Susan: occationally her garden gnomes move around, because they're secretly midgets in disguise

Jennifer: i hate Paige
Susan: she's no good
Jennifer: she's being so insistent that she Can't Tie Shoes
Jennifer: i demonstrated it for her, and now she's just ignoring the whole thing
Jennifer: she also has a thing about eating lettuce, she Can't Eat Lettuce
Susan: how can you not tie shoes?
Susan: you just make the laces into loops and tie them together in an ordinary knot
Jennifer: she never learned how, and now she's just so stuck in the idea that she'll never learn
Jennifer: she can do the first part but she can't make the loop
Susan: making the loop is the first part
Jennifer: no, first you criss cross them
Susan: no.
Jennifer: yes!
Jennifer: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=lc4H6goKFB0 watch this video
Jennifer: or do you just not do that part at all
Susan: hmm
Susan: well, that's certainly not how i do it, my method is symmetrical
Susan: but then, i wear velcro shoes
Jennifer: oh
Jennifer: velcro's superior, honestly
Jennifer: but then you get made fun of
Jennifer: by, well, i'm not in school anymore, but rich people would i guess
Hawaii: rich people on cellphones!
Jennifer: or worse yet, blackberries
# edit to remove youtube

Susan: texas has the right to split into four smaller states
Jennifer: what, just in case it ever feels the need to?
Susan: yes
Jennifer: so they're basically like an autotomic squid
Jennifer: just waiting for the chance for a predator to come along so it can quickly extinguish a needless leg or two
Susan: the four new states inherit the same right
Jennifer: hey, fun fact: a single starbucks napkin can save the democratic party
Susan: texas could theoretically become a huge mess of tiny states, occupying more senatorial seats than the rest of the country combined

* alice
Jennifer: i'm watching alice in wonderland
Jennifer: i'm probably going to stop
Jennifer: i'd forgotten about how every character in this movie seeks only to totally inconvenience alice
Susan: why aren't you watching the guy debord version
Jennifer: because it's probably even more horrible?
Susan: it's shorter, though
Jennifer: oh
Jennifer: well, the first part just ended, so i'll stop now anyway
Susan: http://robertcauble.com/aliceinwonderland/alice_in_wonderland_or_who_is_guy_debord_quicktime_hi_res.html
Jennifer: SIGH
Jennifer: ok, i'm watching it
Susan: the wild goose chase is one of my favorite narrative devices
Jennifer: man, what crappy media player plugin is this
Jennifer: it doesn't even have controls
Susan: you don't need controls
Jennifer: i DO need controls
Jennifer: what if my boss walks in!
Susan: just hold up a finger and say "sh-sh-sh!"
Susan: and keep it there until the movie is over
Jennifer: good idea

* idea
Susan: be a guest speaker at an elementary school, a scientist of some kind, and gradually bring your topic around to some impending catastrophe that will undoubtably kill us all
Susan: but what would the best catastrophe be?
Jennifer: 300 mile long ant colonies
Jennifer: causing massive cave-in
Susan: let's hear a sample paragraph of your presentation
Jennifer: i don't know anything about ants
Jennifer: buuuuut
Jennifer: i suppose i'd start off by showing them one of those blue gelatinous ant colonies
Jennifer: recount some facts about ants
Jennifer: tell them about how ant colonies work
Jennifer: and how each ant has a specific role in a colony
Jennifer: and then tell them about the super networks found in italy
Jennifer: and then just segue into massive cave-in horror from there
Jennifer: the cave-ins would no doubt greatly agitate the ants, causing angry pincer bites all over the nation
Susan: you know what'd be good to top it off?
Jennifer: accidentally knocking the gelatinous ant colony over?
Susan: have an assistant with you, and when you leave say that you're going to be exploring a giant ant cave elsewhere in the county, and that next week you'll come back and tell them about the results. Give them some stupid assignment to do in the meantime
Susan: but next week, only your assistant shows up, looking very pale
Susan: it seems you were eaten by ants
Jennifer: that'd be good
Jennifer: would she just solemnly walk off afterwards, leaving a 40 minute hole in the kids' school schedule?
Susan: yes
Susan: another good touch would be to leave the gelatinous ant farm with the class, for them to study
Susan: but really as a constant reminder that they are never safe, anywhere
Jennifer: yeah

Susan: apparently my old pediatrician works for covance now
Susan: he was fired for giving non-autism-related drugs to autistic kids to see what would happen, so it seems like a reasonable career move
Jennifer: well, if anyone's going to be guinea pigs, it should probably be autistic children
Jennifer: whatever helps keep them off the streets and into graves...
Susan: he's a weird guy, he's bald and has a vaguely lightbulb shaped head, and he talks incredibly fast
Susan: when diagnosing and treating you he would actually explain the science involved, if you were fast enough to catch it

Susan: ulcers can be controlled effectively with placebos
Susan: red placebos work better than white ones
Susan: and an injection is better still
Susan: bonus points if it's delivered by a doctor in a white coat
Jennifer: why is a red placebo better
Jennifer: also, did you read all of this in freakonomics
Susan: no, mind hacks
Susan: it's one of those o'reilly books
Susan: only for the MIND rather than debian or sql
Jennifer: hmm
Susan: i didn't read all of it yet
Susan: just some of it, at the bookstore
Susan: some of mind performance hacks too, which is less interesting but more useful
Jennifer: what's a good suggestion from that one
Susan: well, say you want to remember something
Susan: just keep repeating to yourself under your breath "don't forget, don't forget"
Susan: if you do forget, repeat "stupid, stupid, stupid!"
Susan: actually no, their memory tricks are more complicated
Susan: for instance, name an element
Jennifer: radon
Susan: ok, radon, that's in the chlorine group, fifth column, so it's room 8E in the memory hotel
Susan: floor 8 means santa claus, room E means oatmeal
Susan: so we imagine santa claus holding a bowl of oatmeal
Susan: another good trick they had was...........
Jennifer: you...
Jennifer: will...
Jennifer: DIE!
Susan: counting in binary....
Susan: casting out 11s...
Jennifer: casting out 11s?
Susan: yes
Susan: you always want to get rid of the number 11 wherever you find it
Susan: the human mind finds it hard to calculate things with 11 in them
Susan: also, it's unlucky
Susan: they had an extreme shorthand way of writing
Susan: for instance, instead of "you eat too much ham, Jennifer" i might say "a hdd ord po"
Jennifer: how's that work
Susan: i forget
Jennifer: every single one of these is a lie, isn't it

* tv
Jennifer: it's hilarious!
Susan: indeed.....
Jennifer: more shows should do that
Susan: tv needs to become a giant russian nesting doll that all leads back to digimon...
Jennifer: imagine if "friends" did that?
Jennifer: if, in season nineteen, they revealed that i had been angrily watching the previous eighteen seasons, throwing milkshakes at my television in fits of intermittent rage?
Susan: how about monk
Jennifer: i can't imagine anything better for that series than it turning out to have never existed at all
Susan: how about it turns out to be playing on the TV in aphex twin's COME TO DADDY?
Jennifer: that would seem entirely reasonable, actually
Jennifer: "monk" is already a complete freakshow...
Susan: how about dexter?
Jennifer: that one could just segue into "six feet under"
Jennifer: dexter played the gay brother on that show
Jennifer: the one who was always annoyingly stoic...
Susan: i think the show dexter is within should be a new show
Susan: about a serial killer who kills serial killers who kill serial killers
Susan: and he's even handsomer
Jennifer: a serial killer who kills tvs that depict serial killers?
Susan: that would make him a serial vandalizer
Jennifer: well, he can toss them onto people's heads from high-rise buildings, i suppose...
Susan: as long as the people whose heads he tosses them onto are serial killers who kill serial killers
Jennifer: excelsior!
Susan: ok, 24?
Jennifer: "24" actually exists within the mind of donald rumsfeld
Susan: is that the name of the show? Mind of Rumsfeld?
Jennifer: yes!
Jennifer: mind of rummy would be catchier and more personable though, actually
Susan: it actually wouldn't be hard to twist his usual inane comments into a standup routine

Jennifer: pushing over mail boxes?
Susan: that'd be a good one
Susan: but i live in the city
Jennifer: we used to do that
Jennifer: when i was like, 14
Susan: you rascals
Jennifer: we kinda kept going up until one guy broke a guy's driveway light at 10:30
Jennifer: and then they found us
Jennifer: i had to pay $10
Susan: the advanced kids drive by and hit them with bats
Susan: it'd be funny to just walk by and hit them with bats
Jennifer: we were kind of general assholes, really
Susan: casually walk down the street, beating every mailbox with a baseball bat until it fell over or whatever
Susan: as though it were your job
Susan: like the paperboy
Susan: except actually nowadays paperboys are all 25 and drive around in vans
Susan: windowless vans
Susan: they don't even have windshields
Jennifer: that wouldn't be legal
Susan: how do they throw the papers, you might ask?
Susan: if there are no windows
Jennifer: do they stop and get out
Susan: no, they just open the door and throw them through that
Jennifer: ah
Susan: they keep the door open most of the time actually, because otherwise they can't see a thing
Jennifer: yeah, i would too
Jennifer: seems kinda weird
Susan: they're really very poorly designed vehicles
Susan: they're not as bad as the vans with no steering wheel, though
Susan: those are really problematic
Susan: and those aren't as bad as the ones with no wheels
Jennifer: those can't go anyhwere at all
Susan: they really can't
Susan: at least the ones with no wheels though, you can live in
Susan: they provide warmth and shelter
Susan: the ones with no doors or windows basically just take up space
Jennifer: good point
Susan: they might be missing other things too
Susan: no one knows, because they can't get inside
Susan: if you try to cut a hole in the side to get in, you'll find that they're also packed full of white phosphorus
Susan: so don't do that
Jennifer: yeowch
Jennifer: i think that's illegal, too
Susan: then there's the ones with no suspension, no engine, no axles, no chasis, no wheels, no computer, no radio, no wheels, no steering column, no muffler, no spark plug, no battery, no wires, no pistons, no windows, no doors, no hinges, no springs
Jennifer: eeehehehehe!
Susan: no antenna, no mudflaps, no switches, no dials, no levers, no seats, no floormats, no gas bags, no lights, no breaks, no ashtray, no fuzzy dice, no armrests, no hubcaps, no speedometer, no windshield wipers, no pedals, no headrests, no side pocket things, no handles, no transmission, and no bumpers
Jennifer: *cracks open a soda*
Susan: and no cupholders.
Jennifer: yes
Susan: you might think those aren't even really "vans", but they are, they're just composed of car parts i forgot
Susan: then there's the ones with no electrons
Susan: they're just composed of protons and neutrons
Susan: those explode, destroying the solar system
Susan: you really want to avoid buying one of those
Susan: then there's the ones with no V in the name
Susan: so instead of "vans" they're just "ans"
Susan: they're not even physical objects, they're just articles
Susan: then there's the vans with no "pink flamingo" crayons in them
Susan: this includes most vans, actually

* internet
Susan: how much do you want to bet this is that deaf scammer randy again
Jennifer: $58
Jennifer: is go her last name or an imperative?
Susan: i'll ask
Susan: apparently her last name is "gomes"
Susan:
lawyerpatriciago: Good day
Susan: Hi
lawyerpatriciago: I am Lawyer Patricia Gomes  and I am here to inform you that your Name on FACE BOOK was awarded in the deafs and disable company and you have been approved with 70,000 of your currency.We help all deafs .. Over 700 deaf people have got cash already all over the continent...but We told them not to tell anyone because of secutiry reasons...Your face book name was drawn electronically and you were chosen randomly as the star prize winner of the week.You won 70.000.00 of your currency as the star prize winner of the week That's why i am talking to you on face book now so that you can get your money
Jennifer: that's... that has never been anyone's last name
Jennifer: you should ask him if he meant "gnomes"
Jennifer: the DEAFS AND DISABLE COMPANY?
Jennifer: '70.000.00 of your currency' sounds like something an alien would say
Jennifer: this isn't a scammer, this is your The Box test
Susan:
Susan: randy, "gomes" has never been anyone's last name
Susan: did you mean "gnomes"?
lawyerpatriciago: That is my name
lawyerpatriciago: I want you to know that am not here to play or game with you because your name on facebook was awarded the sum of $70,000 cash and we are ready to get the money to you
Jennifer: i wonder how invested he is in these scams
Jennifer: i can only imagine him stealing quick glances at the im window while he watches reality television
Susan:
Susan: I don't even know where to begin with the holes in this scam. Let's start with the spelling and grammar. "Gomez" is spelled with a Z at the end, not an S. You have two spaces after "gomes". "Name" should not be capitalized. "FACEBOOK" is one word. "was awarded in the deafs and disable company" is meaningless gibberish. "deafs and disable company" is so far from being idiomatic english or a plausible company name that I'm not sure how to untangle it.
lawyerpatriciago: I want you to know that i am not here to play or game or to lie to you

* idea
Susan: here's an idea
Susan: a groundhog day loop, except that rather than one person's memory being the thing that carries over from loop to loop, it's the contents of a text file
Jennifer: that's not an idea, that's my horrible life!
Susan: note that if the contents were ever the same one day as they were on any previous day, the system would be stuck repeating that series of days forever
Susan: with a person's memory that risk doesn't exist
Susan: because it's never quite the same
Susan: if it was say, the quotes file, what would happen is that i'd record a few conversations, the loop would restart, and when i got to the first conversation, i'd paste it in, but i'd notice it was already there
Susan: and i'd think it was weird, but assume i already pasted it just then, absentmindedly
Susan: but then i'd notice a couple other quotes that i didn't remember
Susan: and i'd poke around, and think huh, that's weird
Susan: they must be new, since they have the current names we're using
Susan: but i have no memory of them
Susan: in today's case, it'd be these two quotes
Susan: with the susan one being the one i was about to add a second time
Susan: in fact, i'd think to myself "who is sly the eye?"
Jennifer: who IS sly the eye?
Susan: sly the eye is the boss of the third swarm from solarian II
Susan: it's an old mac game i never beat
Jennifer: i don't like that you anticipated that question
Jennifer: not one bit...
Jennifer: is this all your subtle way of telling me that you're stuck in a time sloop right now?
Susan: anyway, i'm sure i'd share the quote with you, and you'd say you didn't remember it either, and i'd think it was very puzzling
Susan: but the question is, what would be left in the quotes file at the end of the day?
Susan: if i don't change anything else, that day simply repeats forever
Susan: actually, wait
Susan: i changed my name to sly the eye almost immediately after recording that quote, in fact if i recall correctly, i already had it in my mind to change names, because susan is what i use as a temporary name in the impossible maze dialogification process and so it gets confusing
Susan: hmm
Susan: maybe i did, maybe i didn't
Susan: if i did, i'd probably think i saw the words in the text file and it occurred to me subconciously
Susan: but it would be another sign that something strange was happening
Susan: ironically, the quote is about not remembering something, and includes a quoted conversation which goes differently than how one would remember it going
Susan: also, this is assuming that i didn't randomly look at the quotes file earlier in the day, before either conversation happened
Susan: which i probably did a few times
Susan: in which case i would also have the mysterious mall quote
Susan: since no one remembers it and it's not in the logs, the best sensible explanation is that it was added to the file by some brilliant prankster, who can very accurately mimick the kind of thing you and i say and do
Susan: presumably remotely via hacking, since i've been at home alone the whole time behind a locked door
Susan: i'd probably make some backups
Susan: out of general suspicion
Susan: i might go to the mall in my steve sucks shirt, just to see if i witnessed the same events as listed in the quote, which i probably wouldn't
Susan: i might continue going through these youtube favorites, and if so, i'd run into that saxophone man playing the george michael song, and that, i think would lead me to the notion that maybe this was a groundhog day loop with the text file being the link between sessions
Susan: i think it would
Susan: interesting to see if it really did
Susan: and in that case, i'd write my speculations into the file, with a bunch of asterisks and stuff to make sure it caught my attention, and some info from later in the day that would be impossible to know at the beginning of the day to convince myself
Susan: such as...
Jennifer: the real question is how many times you would have to trip over the planking girl before warming the cockles of your ice cold heart
Susan: well, i guess since i'm just trying to convince myself, i could just use something that i'm the only one who knows
Susan: liiiiiiike...
Susan: i'm trying to think of something that even somebody spying on me 24 hours a day wouldn't knowq
Jennifer: your favorite member of The Catfish Junkyard Band?
Susan: even if i had one, there's a reasonable chance that could be guessed
Susan: oh, i know
Susan: that i had an idea to datamosh an episode of rosanne together with itself every other frame with a half-second offset, and put the audio a quarter second between the two
Susan: i never told anybody that or wrote it down, so it's pretty unguessable
Jennifer: why roseanne?
Susan: no particular reason, and if i actually did it i'd use something else
Susan: that's just what ran through my mind
Susan: anyway, upon the loop restarting, i'd see my message to myself, and confirm the theory by recording a bunch of that kind of information, as well as a detailed record of all the things that happened that day, and a count of how many iterations the loop had been through
Jennifer: is there an easy means of datamoshing videos these days
Susan: not that i know of
Jennifer: something beyond LaTeX scripts, or whatever
Jennifer: hmmmmmngth
Susan: basically the text file would become a journal that i'd have to reread every day to see what i had done
Susan: and this would get more and more unweildy, so i'd have to start adding summaries
Susan: plans outlining what i was going to do next
Susan: and then i suppose i'd get up to all the usual groundhog day shit!
Susan: although, much more patiently than an ordinary groundhog day victim, because i wouldn't remember any of it
Susan: i'd never get tired of eating the same food every day.... although, i don't get tired of that anyway...
Jennifer: say, thunder
Jennifer: guess i should go roll up the car window
Jennifer: why is everything such an AWFUL HASSLE
Susan: but for instance, i could make it my business to do a google search for every pair of words in the english language, one per day, and see what turned up
Susan: it'd take 900 million days, but i wouldn't mind
Susan: bill murray would go crazy pretty early on into that process
Susan: you know, "a a" "a aardvark" "a aardvarks", etc.
Susan: two and a half million years later, "zugzwang zugzwang"
Susan: i wonder if i would get to the end, or if one of those pairs of words would lead to something so significant that i abandoned the project in favor of something else

Susan: i went to the bookstore
Susan: and i bought a BOOK!
Jennifer: what book
Susan: damn you, autocorrect! all the hilarious texts you didn't mean to send!!!!!!
Jennifer: it took me a while to realize that was the title of a book
Jennifer: why the hell did you buy that.
Susan: here's one where it autocorrects "there's a honey baked ham store in newton" to "there's a horny baked ham store in jewfish"
Jennifer: blurp
Susan: the best ones are when the people try to correct themselves and can't do it
Jennifer: did you have this book in mind when you went down to the bookstore, or did you buy it on a whim
Susan: dad wants u and jane to finalize a plan for fri. robots if possible
Jennifer: what is WRONG with you!
Susan: Not robots... robots
Jennifer: why wouldn't you just pirate this! or read any of the millions of autocorrect image sites on the internet!
Susan: penis
Susan: penis
Susan: HOLY SHIT
Susan: pizza
Jennifer: that's it, you're banned forever.
Susan: Guess what I'm eating:D!
Susan: People?
Susan: No! Viagra sausages!! They're delicious!
Susan: NO *Viagra
Susan: *Viagra
Susan: *vagina
Susan: WTF?!?!?!? ****vienna
Susan: each quote takes up a whole page, too
Susan: it's really an insult to the very concept of a book
Jennifer: WHY DID YOU BUY THIS
Jennifer: people who make ironic purchases are the worst people on earth, susan
Jennifer: you're now one of the worst people on earth!
---
Susan: I hate this auto erection. Do you know how to turn it off?
Susan: This phone is about to go in the trash. I meant auto erection.

Jennifer: At Rupert Murdoch's tabloids, refusing to play ball meant being pushed to the sidelines. One reporter who said he went through that was Charles Begley, News of the World's Harry Potter correspondent in 2001 when Brooks was its editor.
The then 29-year-old reporter said he wore a Harry Potter costume to work and officially changed his name to that of the fictional boy wizard, all part of the paper's attempt to tap into the Pottermania sweeping both sides of the Atlantic.
On Sept. 11, hours after the fall of the Twin Towers, Begley was stunned to be chewed out by News of the World management for not wearing his costume. He said he was then ordered to attend the next news meeting in full Potter regalia.
Susan: why are we mad at these people, again? if it was 4chan doing this we'd be applauding!
Jennifer: no i wouldn't
Susan: hacking the phones and wizarding the muggles...
Jennifer: i absolutely despised everything lulzsec did and pretended to stand for!
Susan: even their adorable stick figure logo?
Jennifer: yes.
Susan: what would you do if you were a 1337 HAX0R and/or corrupt news organization
Jennifer: well, making people change their names to harry potter and dress up like harry potter is a good start...
Susan: it is...
Jennifer: i'd probably put my staffers in tiny translucent cubes with a typewriter and cell phone and send them down a circular lazy river, which would serve as their new offices
Susan: if somebody forced me to dress up like harry potter, i'd wear a harry potter halloween costume that consisted of harry potter's face on a shirt with the words HARRY POTTER on it
Susan: that's how halloween costumes work these days

Susan: fun fact: mayonnaise is a colloidal suspension of egg whites in water
Jennifer: you're a colloidal suspension of face meeting one million fists!

Jennifer: oh, right, that reminds me that i should stop my Google Tracks recording
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: the phone's gps really screwed the pooch on this one
Jennifer: all sorts of loop-de-loops that i didn't take, running right through several houses
Susan: you should attempt to retrace your steps
Susan: bring a pickaxe
Jennifer: absolutely never!

Jennifer: well, a friend sent me a google+ invite
Jennifer: as soon as i signed up i saw that i was already in the "circles" of about nine different people from #idiots-club
Jennifer: i then immediately deleted my google+ account...
Susan: here, let me invite you to my AIM BLAST group
Susan: so i can blast you with special updates about my dreams

Susan: want to play my newest amazing fake text adventure?
Susan: wilson couldn't beat it!
Jennifer: FINE
Susan: You are in a room 20 feet square, with walls 50 feet high and no ceiling. The walls and floor are made of bare concrete. The sky above you is blue and has some puffy clouds in it. There is a door to the east.
Jennifer: bash head against wall until i die
Susan: you are dead
Susan: the end

* mtg dream
Susan: i had a dream today where i was talking to Delta
Susan: we were still internet friends, but in the dream he was a couples counselor hired by my husband, and generally took his side in our trivial marital disputes
Susan: about building a deck or whatnot
Susan: we lived in a world where people could switch bodies and lives, but it was by no means common or socially acceptable
Susan: Delta had done this, and so had i, unbeknownst to my husband
Susan: and this was the source of our marital alienation
Susan: i had switched bodies and lives with the woman he was married to
Susan: i was literally not the person he thought i was
Wilson: who was your husband?
Susan: i don't know, some stupid guy who wanted me to pay for a new deck
Susan: he wasn't really in the dream
Jennifer: some stupid guy who wanted to pay you for a magic deck?
Susan: no, a deck on our house
Jennifer: you dream about guys wanting to pay you for the secret of your magic: the gathering deck success?
Jennifer: what the hell is wrong with you
Susan: you know, decks? made of planks? like porches?
Jennifer: you need more interesting things to dream about
Jennifer: who do you consult about this, christopher nolan? what's his email address
Susan: i'm not sure what had happened to the woman who was originally his wife
Susan: i might've killed her
Susan: i don't think so, but the earlier part of the dream, with the robot replicants, sort of suggested that

Susan: WHY DID THE TREE STAY HOME FROM SCHOOL?
Jennifer: it had to leaves?
Jennifer: it... it had two leaves?
Susan: BECAUSE IT WAS ROOTED TO THE GROUND
Jennifer: my answer was better
Susan: WHY DID THE POLICE OFFICER GIVE THE BALLOON A TICKET?
Jennifer: to the fun fair?
Susan: LITTERING
Susan: WHY DID THE METEOR STRIKE HOLLYWOOD?
Jennifer: it wanted to make it big? crater? it wanted to make a big crater?
Susan: SHE WANTED TO BE A STAR
Susan: HOW DID THE LETTUCE PLAN TO WIN THE RACE?
Jennifer: catsup?
Susan: GROWING BIG
Susan: WHAT SHOULD YOU KEEP YOUR COLLECTION OF STICKS IN?
Jennifer: a bale?
Susan: A POLE VAULT
Jennifer: hmm
Susan: WHERE DO ACTORS LIKE TO CAMP?
Jennifer: well, goodnight.
Susan: THE HOLLYWOODS
Jennifer: I'm back! 
Jennifer: now on a phone! 
Susan: WHAT HAS THREE FEET BUT CAN'T WALK?
Jennifer: dalek? 
Susan: A YARD STICK
Susan: WHAT DID POLLY THE PARROT WANT ON THE 4TH OF JULY?
Jennifer: putty? 
Susan: FREEDOM
Susan: WHAT DOES A PIECE OF FRUIT SLEEP ON?
Jennifer: a bowl? 
Susan: APRI-COTS
Susan: WHY DID THE WINDOW GO TO THE DOCTOR?
Jennifer: weeeeeellllll
Jennifer: let's quit using irc..... 
Susan: IT HAD PANES

Jennifer: here's some kate beaton "a game of thrones" fan art
Susan: wheeeeeeeeee
Jennifer: it's a picture of peter dinklage's character, pithy dwarf one-liner man
Susan: how do you like his accent
Jennifer: his american accent? i... have no opinion...
Jennifer: it's a terrible show, though, and it should die in a hole
Susan: because it deviated from the books? by not having a graphic sex scene in the first episode featuring a 13 year old girl?
Jennifer: no, because it's soap opera glurge married with fantasy glurge
Jennifer: in short, pretty much the single worst thing imaginable...
Susan: i think you're misusing the term glurge
Jennifer: i would never!
Susan: define it, then!
Jennifer: mess from a sewer! glurge!
Susan: that's not how snopes uses it.......
Jennifer: what the hell is a SNOPES!
Susan: you know what snopes is!
Jennifer: yeah...
Susan: it's where we used to go in the olden days to learn that yes, this email forward is also fake
Susan: you remember their mascot, snoppe
Susan: voiced by... uh...
Susan: whatsername... japanese...............
Jennifer: snoopy
Susan: snoopy doesn't tallk! ySHUT UP
Jennifer: his dances are just as loud as any words could ever possibly be
Susan: As an X-Character, Snoppe is able to create snowmen and spit snowballs from her mouth. Those who call victim to her snowballs become too tired to fight.
Jennifer: x-character as in x-men?
Susan: yes
Jennifer: Tom MacMaster posted his final blogs on "her" Web site, explaining that his false identity was a "nerd experiment" meant to confirm "the pervasiveness of new forms of liberal Orientalism."
Susan: Satomi Arai, that's her name
Susan: she also does the voice of london from the suite life of zach and cody
Jennifer: don't spread lies about zack and cody. you don't even know what you're getting into
Jennifer: an untold world of hurt lies beyond the veil
Susan: it says so on wikipedia
Jennifer: it's... time to head to jamestown
Susan: and...... what else
Jennifer: i expect this to end by the time i get back
Susan: panini on chowder
Susan: additional voices on the dish
Susan: but mainly we know her as kuroko on railgun
Susan: oh, and she also does the voice of president obama
Susan: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IUWLxDnj0A
Susan: and cartman from south park
Susan: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuSre4jQh-c
Jennifer: WELL, I'M BACK
Jennifer: AND IT JUST CONTINUED, DIDN'T IT

Jennifer: brown sugaaaaar
Jennifer: how come you taste so good!
Susan: molasses?
Susan: fun fact: molasses is the densest food
Jennifer: it's a rolling stones song!
Jennifer: it's not actually about brown sugar. it's about pedophilia.

Susan: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLq1MANV6n4
Jennifer: this is too quiet.
Susan: it's perfectly loud for me........
Jennifer: it's probably about 10% as loud as the music i was just listening to!
Susan: well, it's perfectly loud
Jennifer: nonsense!!!!!!
Jennifer: maybe i'm just going deaf, actually
Susan: you either have youtube's volume turned down, or firefox's volume turned down, or the firefox plugin container's volume turned down, or you're just an idiot
Jennifer: it's none of those! i already checked the volume on all of those!
Susan: you checked the volume on whether you're an idiot?
Jennifer: yes! besides, how could intelligence possibly play into this!
Jennifer: well, the informal survey results are in, and they agree that that video should be louder
Susan: how many people took part in this informal survey
Jennifer: fffffour
Susan: i'm going to run my own informal survey
Jennifer: prove it!
Susan: prove what, that i'm running a survey?
Jennifer: what else!
Susan: i think the burden of proof is on YOU, to prove that YOU ran a survey
Jennifer: i disagree wholeheartedly.
Susan: results are coming in!
Susan: ohhhhhhh, results are ROLLING in
Jennifer: you don't have a single godamned result! the margin of error is vast and wide!
Susan: i have ............. literally TWO results! SO FAR!
Susan: still holding steady at two!
Susan: stiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilllllllll two........ people not really giving this survey a lot of attention
Susan: ok, we've moved up to four
Jennifer: great! time's up, polls are closed
Susan: i can now compare results..... with the results of your survey
Jennifer: let's see those untampered results!
Susan: according to my dataaaaaaa.................. the polled participants of my informal survey agree that the video is................ looking pretty good
Susan: and sounds peachy!
Jennifer: i'm sensing heavy bias in these results. did you perhaps pose this question to a bunch of DOGS with SUPER-SENSITIVE HEARING?
Susan: oh, look at that, now we have FIVE data points over here at susan informal surveys inc.
Susan: the fifth data point establishes this trendline even more firmly than before
Susan: now i'm running a survey to see whether the public thinks YOUR survey is a fabricated sham
Jennifer: in no way was it fake! the results simply weren't logged!
Susan: a likely story
Susan: how could they possibly have not been logged
Susan: did you ask HOMELESS people?
Jennifer: who LOGS things in this day and age! i don't need a 200 mb irc log cloggin' up the logholes
Susan: it should still be logged in your IRC window!
Susan: not to mention the logs of every other user in the room!
Jennifer: i left immediately after getting the results! hell if i can be bothered to stick around in #tigirc for any more time than is strictly necessary!
Susan: how CONVENIENT
Jennifer: it's absolutely convenient! it's the very definition of convenient
Susan: 
Susan: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLq1MANV6n4
Susan: is this video too quiet for you
Jennifer: nop
Jennifer: why
Susan: it's just an informal survey
Susan: Jennifer says HE ran an informal survey and that everyone in it agreed the video was "too quiet"
Bluxxon is idle 
Susan: do you think he's a dirty liar with pants constantly on fire?
Jennifer: i sure do, susan!
Jennifer: what the hell is a bluxxon! this is ridiculous!
Susan: the other survey results are coming in similarly, i'm afraid
Susan: some are even calling for an independent investigation into your survey
Jennifer: i welcome it with open arms! open pages
Jennifer: i'm an open book
Jennifer:  
Susan: hmmmmmm
Susan: Jennifer, i'm going to admit something here
Jennifer: you're... gay?
Susan: i didn't actually run a survey except for asking bluxxon
Jennifer: it takes a big person to admit that
Jennifer: it takes an even bigger person to admit what i'm about to, which is that i never watched the video to begin with

Susan: you know what i only just now realized?
Susan: an underground forest makes no sense...... there's no light........................................
Jennifer: i was going to say, you're gay
Susan: and i'm gay

Susan: should we join the ROTH IRA?
Jennifer: i have no idea what that is
Susan: it's the reverse of the regular IRA.
Jennifer: we are talking about the national rifle association, right?
Susan: that's the NFL

Jennifer: the dictionary would know, but who has the time...?
Jennifer: not me! i've got places to go, brita pitchers to fill...
Jennifer: a nice pinewood casket to polish...
Susan: you poor sad people with your brita pitchers......
Susan: in civilization we have filtered water in the refrigerator door
Jennifer: i don't even have a separate freezer! what the hell do you expect out of a mini fridge!
Susan: it's just like star trek! while you, with your pitchers, are basically like... you know... those little villages of mud huts
Jennifer: those villages would kill for a brita pitcher!
Susan: basically the only person who would admire your level of technology is mogley from the jungle book, and even then only if it was balanced on a girl's head

Susan: pop quiz: what is the closest star
Jennifer: alpha proxima or something?
Jennifer: it's not alpha centauri or IS IT
Jennifer: it is a mystery to me
Susan: you're pretty close
Susan: it's proxima centauri, a tiny little do-nothing star that orbits alpha centauri
Susan: now, is alpha centauri bigger than the sun? or smaller?
Jennifer: uhhhh
Jennifer: smaller
Susan: trick question! it's binary
Susan: alpha centauri A is 10% bigger, alpha centauri B is 10% smaller
Jennifer: what the hell
Jennifer: that's crap

Susan: i have a sore throat
Susan: due to reading out loud for eight hours
Jennifer: what did you read out loud for eight hours
Susan: WARLORDS OF UTOPIA
Jennifer: did you record it
Jennifer: and submit it to that audiobooks depository?
Susan: no, i read it out loud to no one, for no reason.
Susan: it's about an alternate timeline where rome never fell, fighting an alternate timeline where the nazis won the second world war
Susan: actually, it's about EVERY timeline where rome never fell fighting EVERY alternate timeline where the nazis won the second world war
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: i'll wait for the movie to come out.
Susan: the council of hitlers would look good on the big screen
Jennifer: how advanced are the romans? What year does it take place, 2100?
Susan: for the romans it's 2600something, for the nazis it's shortly after world war II
Jennifer: wouldn't the romans squash the nazis with their advanced technology?
Susan: no, they advanced compartively slowly
Susan: but some more than others... some romans have robots, most don't even have electricity
Jennifer: that's complete bullshit
Susan: they diverged earlier, so they're much more different than the nazi timelines
Jennifer: how do they meet each other? rip in spacetime?
Susan: no, some magic guys running from other magic guys fighting third, even more mysterious magic guys left behind some timeline-hopping items
Susan: it's part of a dr. who spinoff series
Jennifer: does dr. who show up in the book
Susan: no.
Jennifer: I guess that's something
Jennifer: I imagined he would have been shoehorned in somewhere
Jennifer: so they could put him on the cover
Jennifer: like, just a sideways turned and stretched out picture with jpg artifacts
Jennifer: THE DOCTOR TIMELORD GAYLORD MYLORD'S AND MYCROFT HOLME'S GAY NAZI TIMEFIGHT
Wilson: good title
Jennifer: it's what I named my daughter
Jennifer: she just goes by "timefight"...

Susan: what should be on the doors that can't be opened in this UFO?
Jennifer: maniac mansion posters
Susan: i was thinking some kind of symbol
Jennifer: anarchy?

Jennifer: you make-a me barf so much...

Jennifer: oh god i don't care!

Susan: let's listen to chipmunk versions of lady gaga songs
Jennifer: NO! NO,100x NO
Susan: you know, if you're too lazy to install a pitch shifting plugin for your music player, you can just search for the name of the song and "chipmunk" on youtube and usually find it
Susan: along with a slideshow of CGI chipmunks with windows movie maker color cycling effects

Susan: i think it would be good if this was the real chip'n'dale intro
Susan: complete with two minutes of blackness
Susan: i think i've read too much marginal revolution and comics curmudgeon, because watching this, all i can think of is questions about the economy of the small rodent world
Jennifer: they deal in cheese!
Susan: some of their stuff is obviously made for people their size, and some of it is stolen human items
Jennifer: wheel and deal. cheese wheel
Susan: i'd like to see the production tree for something like dale's hawaiian shirt
Susan: do their make their own dye, for instance? or is it stolen from a human dye factory?

Susan: i'm watching tim burton's alice
Susan: so far it has the best cheshire cat, best queen of hearts's castle, otherwise not particularly remarkable
Susan: it goes through the standard bullshit where alice meets a bunch of unlikable aristocrats and we guess what characters will be allegorically associated with them, then she falls down a rabbit hole and blah blah blah
Susan: it deviates from the original story pretty early on, though
Susan: it's all DARK and this is alice's SECOND trip to wonderland, which is in ruins. she has to fix everything
Susan: exactly like the american mcgee one
Susan: clever use of growing and shrinking to get alice into a vaguely sexy outfit
Susan: various characters are given names where in the book they didn't have any... made up scottish crap...
Susan: the johnny depp hatter is rubbish, martin short still reigns supreme
Susan: i don't care much for alice herself, either
Susan: nice frog and fish footmen
Susan: the queen of hearts is very similar in character to the hallmark version, but not as shrill, and thus, i think, not as good
Susan: she has a giant head
Susan: the playing cards actually look menacing for once, they're made of reticulated armor plates
Susan: not sure if that's a GOOD thing, but it's notable
Susan: the tone of the various pieces doesn't really gel
Susan: like, tweedle dum and tweedle dee talk in a really cartoony way, and then we go to DUN DUN DUN, A GIANT BANDERSNATCH GETS ITS EYE POKED OUT
Susan: the CGIness of the CGI is blended pretty professionally into the live action bits, but that doesn't accomplish much, because the shittyness of the plot is the weak point anyway
Susan: the atmosphere just isn't engaging, and so you're aware you're looking at a big ball of CGI all the time
Susan: the thing is, the construction of the plot of the original story is fucking terrible
Susan: alice runs into a thing, wordplay happens, shit appears and disappears without rhyme or reason, we move onto the next bit
Susan: either you embrace that, or you think of a GOOD plot and tack it on
Susan: the middle ground, of trying to nudge the original nonsense around so that it LOOKS like a story, is a fool's errand
Susan: the thing this movie does, which some of them try to do, is to make wonderland (or UNDERland in this case, what the fuck), they try to make it seem like a coherent place, that has a history and so on, with the characters interacting in a system that resembles a kingdom in "real life", or at least, which resembles some sort of fairy tale
Susan: everything was lovely and blah blah, the white queen was in charge and everybody did their jobs like so, and then the red queen came along and burned it all down with a jabberwock, and that's why they're all crazy, and blah blah blah
Susan: no. you're taking a bag of charles dodgeson's essentially unstructured thoughtless prose and trying to pretend that it fits together into some kind of coherent whole which can be extrapolated, and it just can't!
Susan: alice in wonderland isn't a story about good vs. evil, it's a story about a bunch of crazy idiots who you meet in a random order and get vaguely pissed off by
Susan: if you're going to tack something on, make it something fairly light, like "alice gets over her fear of public speaking"
Susan: instead we get bogged down watching assinine scenes that establish how the queen of hearts is blackmailing some fucking dog who's not even in the book by threatening to murder his wife and kids
Susan: nobody cares! you show us some setpieces, some people say some crazy lines, ideally alice has some amusing reaction shots... you know who would be a good alice? dave foley
Susan: and then everybody runs around and yells and there's chaos and alice wakes up, the end
Susan: yes, it's the laziest ending in the world. just own up to it, don't try to put some tiresome twist on it. it's a story about your time being wasted with nonsense that doesn't go anywhere.
Susan: that's the point.
Jennifer: how did the animated disney version tackle the story
Susan: they did it overall accurately, but they omitted some bits and stuck in some other bits from through the looking glass
Susan: and musical numbers, obviously...
Jennifer: hmmmm
Jennifer: i imagine the pirates of the caribbean films are to blame...
Jennifer: every live action film disney has released in the years since has been a bloated mess, slathered in plot
Susan: disney's animated alice in wonderland was a commercial failure, supposedly because alice wasn't very empathetic
Susan: which makes sense, she basically just wanders around and acts prim
Susan: the disney animated version firmly established in the collective consciousness that alice's dress is blue
Susan: prior to that it was usually yellow
Jennifer: was it blue in the one you just watched?
Susan: i still have it on pause actually
Susan: no, she changes outfits a number of times, but they're typically gray
Susan: because this is the DARK version, see!
Susan: everything must be STK...
Jennifer: it was definitely blue in american mcgee's alice
Susan: pretty good chessboard city in that
Susan: otherwise completely shitty
Susan: possibly the worst cheshire cat of any version
Jennifer: he was anorexic, wasn't he
Susan: yes
Jennifer: maybe a bad goatee as well, i can't recall...
Susan: he had an earring
Jennifer: oh, that's right
Susan: in contrast, this stephen fry cat is the best one i've seen
Susan: so, similar concepts, divergent executions.......
Jennifer: why's that
Susan: he floats around, he has good timing, well-calibrated level of smugness
Susan: in a lot of versions you get a cheshire cat that's TOO smug
Susan: like the whoopie goldberg one
Susan: that was terrible
Susan: it's like "hi, i'm whoopie goldberg, and my face is on a cat! watch as i say lines from the book with a different intonation than anybody else would use, just so you know you're getting your whoopie goldberg money's worth"
Jennifer: that sounds grotesque. stop making me imagine it

Susan: lazy Marys used to be called dumbwaiters and ketchup was made of fish instead of tomatoes.
Jennifer: they're still called dumbwaiters
Susan: by who?
Jennifer: everybody!
Susan: everyone calls them lazy Marys, except some people who don't know what they're called at all
Susan: like you
Jennifer: i wouldn't have even been able to tell you what a lazy susan is until just now
Jennifer: but i would immediately be able to tell you what a dumbwaiter is
Susan: and you'd tell me it's a little elevator
Jennifer: which is exactly what it is!
Susan: but it used to be a spinning platter, which we now call a lazy susan.
Jennifer: absolutely not!
Susan: what do we call it, then?
Jennifer: nothing, because such a device wouldn't ever possibly exist for any reason
Susan: it makes it so you don't have to pass things in chinese resturants
Susan: you get a poo-poo platter or whatever and they put all 11 appetizers on a lazy susan
Susan: you want one on the other side, you just spin it around
Jennifer: poo-poo platters aren't a thing, either! you're weaving an intricate tapestry of lies and i'll have none of it
Susan: "poo-poo platter"
Susan: 58,200 results
Susan: http://www.google.com/search?q=%22poo+poo+platter%22&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a
Susan: there's even a poo-poo platter costume
Susan: http://www.buy.com/prod/poo-poo-platter-adult-standard-costume/q/sellerid/23129649/loc/64935/214413353.html
Susan: see?
Susan: they went with a literal interpretation for comedic effect.
Jennifer: this is clearly just some sort of cell phone mascot character
---
Susan: "my idea of fun" is a good song
Susan: it took me a few listenings to realize it was about board games
Jennifer: MY idea of fun is stuffing your lies in a dumbwaiter that descends straight to hell!

Susan: you know what i don't think i've ever seen?
Susan: an acronym with an accented letter in it
Jennifer: that's because no word in any language begins with an accented letter
Hawaii: what about éclair?
Jennifer: that's a portmanteau
Wilson: of what?
Jennifer: eléphant... and... claire...

darkjim123 
3 weeks ago 
Oh nooo my childhood...... I saw tons of old stuff and I laugh at the parodies..... @IAMSLEEPDEPRIVED Called a joke, hence "parody"
Stop whining, at least it isn't Miley Dyke-rus, The Hoe-nas Brothers, or Justin Beaver
Susan: miley dyke-rus? really?
Jennifer: the boys at the school i worked with usually went with 'miley walrus'
Susan: it's pretty impressive how uninspired miley dyke-rus is
Susan: cyrus does have a y in it, i guess
Susan: and she IS a girl, and hence, a lesbian...
Susan: 
spinemelter2000 
1 month ago 
A Duck Tales intro had more potential. A lot of the collegehumor clips are spot on and it's like they're reading my mind from 20 years ago. But there is a lot more that can go wrong in Duck Tales. What about if they didn't run fast enough to grab the ledge and fell along with the falling bricks, or what if the little yelling alien who grabbed Scrooge's money also grabbed his penis? Those are just from the top of my head. I bet collegehumor could do better. 
ThereWillBeSpaghetti 
6 months ago 
my new ringtone. so catchy and upbeat. :D
Susan: it's funny to imagine him getting a call and letting it ring for an entire minute so that his companions are treated to this modified ducktails themesong that doesn't make sense without the visual gag
MickeyJman06 
1 year ago 
That Was Completly Off-Topic, Coming From That YOU Are The Nine Year Old With A Small Intellegence Span, BTW I Got Advanced On My Exams! Not Lying!
---
Susan: you're distracting me from reading comments on the collegehumor ducktails intro
Susan: 
ElZomboFantasma 
1 year ago 
Yeah, but when the bank repo's all of Scrouge McDuck's shit I doubt they'll find nude gold satues of himself and paintings of him nude with little duck children angels flying around him.
...Then again, Disney was a sick fuck. Who knows.
Susan: i like the idea that walt disney wrote down in a sheaf of notes "scrooge mcduck has nude gold statues of himself and paintings of him nude with little duck children angels flying around him" and that these are stored in some secret disney file cabinet in a folder labeled "notes pertinant to the death of scrooge mcduck"
firebanesword 
1 year ago 
This has been flagged as spam   show hide 
Not Spam 
don't take that out of context.
Jesus said the only way to enter heaven was through belief in Him. There's more to that of course, but you don't seem too up-to-snuff on your Bible knowledge, so I won't go into an in depth explanation of what that exactly means.
Jesus did however say that it's easier to get a camel through the eye of a needle (small door on a city gate, not sewing tool) than it is for a rich person to get into heaven, so I can see where you're getting that from.
Susan: fun fact: it's actually "camel" that's the mistranslation
Susan: the original passage just refers to some kind of thick cord
Susan: 
DnlCraig007 
1 year ago 
This has been flagged as spam   show hide 
Not Spam 
RIP Michael Jackson the KING of Pop!!
Susan: 
chatsworthsharp420 
1 year ago 
This has been flagged as spam   show hide 
Not Spam 
LONG Live THE REPUBLIC DEATH TO THE NEW WORLD ORDER 911 was an INSIDE JOB Protect the Constitution infowarsdotcom campaignforlibertydotcomLONG Live THE REPUBLIC DEATH TO THE NEW WORLD ORDER 911 was an INSIDE JOB Protect the Constitution infowarsdotcom campaignforlibertydotcomLONG Live THE REPUBLIC DEATH TO THE NEW WORLD ORDER 911 was an INSIDE JOB Protect the Constitution infowarsdotcom campaignforlibertydotcom 
Susan: 
Ansem665 
1 year ago 
I'm 12 and what is this?
Susan: 
HentaiSweetie2 
1 year ago 
Better question: Did I SAY there was anything wrong with Canada or did I mearly say the word in a sentece aimed at someone who was being a jerk to me?
If I told somone to stay at home because I don't want to run into them outside doesn't mean I hate thier house, dipshit.
Susan: 
siddharthakala 
1 year ago 
It should have been FuckTales
Jennifer: how i wish every thing and person on earth would die...
Susan: hmm
Susan: how does a stop sign die?
Jennifer: slowly flops over, letters spilling off of it
Susan: and how do those letters die?
Jennifer: a series of small explosions, which takes out the pavement beneath them
Jennifer: it's the circle of death, susan
Susan: remember that book THE Z WAS ZAPPED?
Jennifer: what the hell is that! no
Susan: it was an alphabet book about each letter being destroyed in a different way

Jennifer: i've got a real thinker for ya, susan
Jennifer: Human subtlety will never devise an invention more beautiful, more simple or more direct than does nature because in her inventions nothing is lacking, and nothing is superfluous.
Jennifer: what do you have to say about THAT!
Susan: what about those knobby things on top of giraffes
Susan: those seem pretty superfluous
Jennifer: sense organs! they need those to sssssssssssssssssssssee?
Susan: what is mankind's most beautiful, simple, direct invention.....
Susan: the turboencabulator?
Susan: the vacation?
Jennifer: they've got those in stay form now, you know
Jennifer: much simpler.
Susan: gay marriage?
Jennifer: i don't think that's as simple as... marriage...
Susan: the extension cord?
Jennifer: cord.
Susan: adblock plus?
Jennifer: look, let's just call wheat mankind's most beautiful, simple, direct invention
Jennifer: we eat it every day during every meal
Susan: irfanview?
Jennifer: let's ask twitter
Jennifer: get a 'trending topic' going
Susan: the end user license agreement?
Susan: dynamite?
Jennifer: dynamite DESTROYS
Jennifer: it's not a CREATION
Susan: the double rainbow song?
Jennifer: that was NOT A SONG
Susan: they vocodered it
Susan: ok, final answer
Susan: homestuck
Jennifer: i guess we'll have to go with that solely because it's the final answer...

Jennifer: how about slipper
Susan: i'm thinking it should be something intimidating
Jennifer: burning flames
Susan: it should be one word...
Jennifer: dark
Susan: it should be three syllables
Jennifer: raven
Susan: that's two
Jennifer: elephant?
Susan: it should be a proper noun
Jennifer: destructor
Jennifer: magneto
Susan: but not a person
Jennifer: slipper "burning flames" darkraven elephant-destructor-magneto

Susan: Jennifer, your tomato meter rating dropped another six points this week
Susan: you've got to get your act together
Jennifer: it was probably just armond white trolling again
Jennifer: it's the only reason he ever emerges from the shadows

Jennifer: i love you michael, but the first time i think you are way off from the reality...about the masque yes we deserve the masque in the site of 911, but only because we did nothing there for 10 years....its a shame!! twin towers must builded back there 8 years ago, even taller than before, and painted red white blue....but no....for ten years nobody cares.....now we have this unreal joke about the masque.....the whole world laughing on us again.....
you know michael...sofar all big empires falled apart and the only reason was= they tryed to understand the smaller ones, tryed to compromised, try to be fair.....start singing cumbaha to everyone.... if the masque build there the USA is over forever. the game over. sakk mate......you are dead wrong on this one michael....but i still love you!!
Jennifer: i think he's right, they should have rebuilt the world trade center even taller and painted red white and blue
Susan: with a big bald eagle on top, crying giant tears
Jennifer: those stupid romans, singing cumbaha to everyone!
Jennifer: they were too understanding! that was their downfall!
Susan: i like the use of the equals sign instead of a colon
Susan: i wonder if "sofar" is a typographical error or an actual spelling mistake, like "alot"
Jennifer: internet comments are a helpful reminder that most people are actually even more mouthbreathingly dumb than they seem in the outer world

Susan: little kids are actually safer than adults when it comes to sledding
Susan: square-cubed law and all that
Susan: i knew someone in second grade whose mother died in a sledding accident
Susan: i went over to her house once, before her mother died
Susan: even though we didn't like each other in school
Susan: i remember having a perfectly pleasant time at her house
Susan: she had some generic 00s child name.....
Jennifer: alexis? britney? dashawna?
Susan: it definately wasn't dashawna

* lie floating_head
Jennifer: why the hell are you asking me to try to figure out where this is going
Jennifer: you just introduced a floating head! how am I supposed to figure out a floating head!
Susan: i don't know
Jennifer: what do you know!
Susan: i know the time till the end of the world in hours
Jennifer: oh, yeah
Jennifer: hmmmm
Jennifer: that's actually pretty good

Jennifer: why do you assume that aliens are malovelent
Jennifer: you're going insane
Susan: if they're not, why don't they talk to us?
Susan: are they just shy?
Jennifer: probably because they have no idea of our existence just as we have no idea of theirs?
Susan: i'm talking about saucery aliens buzzing around earth
Jennifer: oh, okay
Jennifer: well, those aren't real, so don't worry about it.
Susan: obviously aliens we know nothing about could easily be nice chaps
Jennifer: right, and like i said, the aliens buzzing around earth are pure fiction created in the minds of delusional conspiracy theorists, so it all works out
Jennifer: i am interested in learning how you think they could possibly be real, or even a threat, though

Hawaii: boiligig vomit
Hawaii: i guess that's not the best way to greet someone, is it
Wilson: no.

Hawaii: OHHHHHHHHHHH LALALALALALALALA
Hawaii: that's my way of singing in the new year
Hawaii: that's right, it's now 2009!
Wilson: no it isn't
Hawaii: IT IS TODAY!
Wilson: n--no it isn't

Hawaii: why DO smart people do stupid things with money, wilson?
Wilson: because they're not smart when it comes to financial management and investment, i suppose

Hawaii: it's a stone, luigi!
Hawaii: YOU DIDN'T MAKE IT
Wilson: what... what's the story behind that dialog, anyway
Hawaii: what dialog
Wilson: "it's a stone, luigi"
Hawaii: oh
Hawaii: well, mario is
Hawaii: uh
Hawaii: lugi makes a football 
Hawaii: and he's like "it's a football! i chiseled it!"
Hawaii: but first.... mario says .... "it's a stone luigi!"
Hawaii: no wait
Hawaii: before that, luigi says "hey mario, look what i made!"
Hawaii: and then... then, mario wsays
Hawaii: aaaa...
Hawaii: also, you know what shephard says that was funny, was...
Hawaii: he's... 
Hawaii: oh look, the show downloaded
Hawaii: bye!
Wilson: this is the worst explanation of anything i've heard in my whole life

Wilson: what's 1/3 in decimal?
Hawaii: 0.10000
Wilson:  that is incredibly wrong.

Hawaii: watch THIS
Hawaii: doot doot doo doo doo! *dances around*
Wilson: thanks


Hawaii: miranda liked to tell me people were smarter than i think
Wilson: she doesn't anymore?
Hawaii: i don't talk to miranda anymore, because i am tired of miranda!
Wilson: i see


Jennifer: i'm wasting my time
Wilson: me too
Jennifer: maybe so, but my time is more valuable!

Jennifer: i also like the word bioscum
Jennifer: it makes it sound less like racism and more like he's hank logan, wading through sewers and mad science labs filled with deadly mutants
Wilson: yes...

Jennifer: i'm adding skype contacts for everyone named harry potter who lives in the eastern hemisphere and speaks english
Jennifer: SURELY ONE OF THEM WILL WANT TO PLAY MAGICAL CARDS
Wilson: i...
Wilson: hmm.

Jennifer: ready for the periodic table........ OF CHEESE?
Jennifer: well?
Wilson: fine
Jennifer: too bad, i made it up
Jennifer: POP QUIZ: if it did exist, would huntsman be on it?
Wilson: yes
Jennifer: no! huntsman is just a combination of stilton and double gloucester

Wilson: an old lady said i was "kinda cute" today
Wilson: she was sticking out of a second floor window
Jennifer: did she throw a cat at you?
Wilson: no
Wilson: this is the second random old lady i remember appreciating my good looks and charm
Jennifer: it's probably because you ride that bike with one huge wheel and one little one, and wear a bowtie
Wilson: [eating sandwich] that is ocmpletltlh false


Jennifer: i love this one too
Jennifer: it's like WOW, YOU JUST BLEW MY MIND
Wilson: yes
Wilson: why are the smokestacks pumping out 60s flowers
Jennifer: if there's no away, why do you have to tell people not to do it? shouldn't it be impossible?
Jennifer: it's like it's trying to trick them into not throwing stuff away by brainwashing them into thinking away doesn't exist
Jennifer: it's a baldfaced lie, too
Jennifer: of course there's an away!
Jennifer: and how on earth could you not throw anything away? i guess if you go live in the FOREST
Wilson: it's this ridiculous demand coupled with a blatent lie which makes the demand incoherent
Wilson: what's it even for, what is shell trying to say

Wilson: my dad says "call it a blank canvas OPPORTUNITY" when i mention to him the idea of a blank canvas problem
Jennifer: that's a great argument
Jennifer: "regarding god's omnipotence, what about the problem of evil?"
Jennifer: "call it the OPPORTUNITY of evil!"

Jennifer: the horrible people at this hotel do nothing but watch babe the gallant pig OVER AND OVER
Wilson: why would they only watch babe the gallant pig?
Jennifer: i'm not sure if they even have working tv reception or cable
Jennifer: apparently they just have a VHS of babe the gallant pig, and they figure it's better than static
Wilson: I see
Jennifer: but it's not just ON, they actually WATCH it
Jennifer: they sit on the couch and watch it

Jennifer: i dreamed i was watching a thing about the war in iraq
Jennifer: there was some old footage of ..... whatshisface ..... with the annoying smile, you know
Wilson: william kristol
Jennifer: that's the one
Jennifer: anyway, he had his own talk show and he was talking directly to reddit
Jennifer: saying reddit had the wrong idea about the iraq war, and that he was there to re-assure them about how quick it was going to be
Jennifer: he had a little dog in a tote bag slung over his shoulder, and he said the dog would be with him when the war was over too

Wilson: apparently it features a critic getting mauled to death
Wilson: i imagine it's modeled after ebert, considering he thought shyamalan's last film was terrible
Wilson: i think that would make ebert the only movie critic with TWO caricatures based upon him in bad films
Jennifer: if ebert didn't like my movie, i don't think it would really bother me
Jennifer: i might put a charicature of him in my next movie anyway though, just to continue the trend
Jennifer: the whole movie would be about ebert running down endless rooms and hallways, chased by some unseen pursuer
Jennifer: occationally on a tv in one of the rooms would be a clip of him talking about how bad the previous movie was
Jennifer: or clips from the other films with charicatures of him in them

Jennifer: Remember in that episode of the simpsons where lisa is alone in the planetarium, and the automated voice is shining a spotlight around, saying "one of you will grow up to be the next blah blah blah. Will it be you? Or you? Or...YOU?"
Wilson: no
Jennifer: and the last spotlight is on her, sitting on the center bench
Jennifer: and she's emboldened by it, and leaves
Jennifer: and then the voice is like "Someone needs to turn my tape over. Will it be you? Or you? Or...YOU?"
Jennifer: But there's nobody there at that point
Wilson: i can't say that i remember that, no.
Jennifer: Well, I guess it's good I described it in detail rather than just making a reference to it
Jennifer: Because that reference would have been completely lost on you.

Jennifer: i'd like to see avatar retold entirely from the bad guys' point of view
Jennifer: the stupid corporate guy micromanaging people and playing golf, and having lunch, and the cigar chomping marine guy, whose name was......... ffffffffffvvvvvvvvvvvvvv well anyway, we'd see him doing whatever he does all day
Jennifer: polishing his mech suit or something, going to meetings, eating lunch
Jennifer: it just seems idiotic to tell stories about people so much further down the ladder of self-awareness than we are
Jennifer: all the moreso when they're ostensibly set in the future
Jennifer: it was just priceless when he got into his mech as the ship went down
Jennifer: instantly reminded me of "complaining hitler" youtube edit #347, where he's complaining about the events of wolfenstein
Wilson: that's a good complaining hitler video
Jennifer: and after he's doing chewing out all the pixelly germans and forced to admit their ridiculous occult and super science stuff isn't working, and it's time to go back to basics, he says "prepare my mech suit."
Jennifer: they should've ended the video there, really
Wilson: yes...
Jennifer: COWORKER2 thinks avatar is the best movie ever, of course
Jennifer: because she is an idiot...

Wilson: the end of the world doesn't seem particularly funky
Jennifer: except in EARTH VS. FUNK
Jennifer: wherin they blew up the world with a funk ray
Jennifer: remember that?
Wilson: no, and it seems entirely implausible and too related to the conversation!
Jennifer: yes, well....
Jennifer: i MAY have made it up
Jennifer: http://www.eviltrailmix.com/animutation/funk.swf
Jennifer: BUT OH LOOK HERE IT IS

Jennifer: samurai pizza cats uses the redundant narration/exposition trick a lot
Jennifer: like
Jennifer: NARRATOR: guido and polly were amazed by what they saw!
Jennifer: POLLY: i'm amazed!
Jennifer: GUIDO: I'm aroused!
Jennifer: you might think you couldn't just walk around drooling and saying "i'm aroused!" on children's tv
Jennifer: but you'd be wrong.......
Wilson: well, they certainly didn't talk like that in the US version, i'm sure
Jennifer: this IS the us version!
Wilson: oh.
Wilson: i...
Wilson: i'm at a loss, yes

Jennifer: i went to a bistro once
Jennifer: in SAN FRANSICSO
Jennifer: it was fancy, but that didn't stop my associate from wearing a garish dragonball z shirt
Jennifer: you know, one of those ones......
Jennifer: you know the ones i mean!
Wilson: yes
Jennifer: i had CHOCOLATE MOUSSE
Jennifer: he ordered in french, and they brought his food to the table in a BOX
Jennifer: like a box that a board game would be in, but without a picture on the top
Jennifer: and they opened it up, and it was entirely filled with mashed potatoes
Jennifer: and he said "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNERRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Jennifer: guess at what point that became a lie!

Jennifer: JESUS I CAN'T BELIEVE THE TIME
Jennifer: it seems like today has taken SEVERAL DAYS
Wilson: that's the best kind of day
YYYYY: actually, the best kind of day is where it's towards the end of the school year and it's a half-school day and sunny and everyone loses their composure and nobody cares whether you're in class or outside kicking fixtures around
Susan: the best kind of day is the kind with such severe weather it doesn't matter if it's day or night, and it doesn't matter what day of the week it is because everything is canceled

Wilson: or i took a look
Jennifer: in a book
Jennifer: it was reading rainbooooooooooow
Jennifer: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii can do anythiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing
Wilson: sheesh

Wilson: the FEDERATION OF RELEASING GROUPS!
Jennifer: what's hilarious about it is that you'd expect groups involved in illegal activities to be mostly focused on the criminal nature of their operations and its consequences
Jennifer: but they ignore it completely
Jennifer: the MPAA's legal war isn't even percieved as a war on this end
Wilson: i imagine it's a lot easier to not be concerned when the grand majority of the work is being done from the comfort of their homes
Jennifer: if only the drug scene was this organized
Jennifer: they just put random drugs in unlabeled plastic baggies and send them out at random attached to drug balloons
Jennifer: imagine if to find the new garfield movie, you had to go through hundreds of helium balloons with unlabled dvds attached to them 
Jennifer: containing low-bitrate sound FX libraries and cracked copies of turbotax
Jennifer: that's what the drug scene is like
Jennifer: i know, because i listened to the audiobook of A SCANNER DARKLY
Jennifer: it was read by paul giamatti.

* rpg
Jennifer: if i lived in a cyberpunk world i would do nothing but complain about how stupid everything was
Jennifer: "you have cyborg implants that shoot lasers, but no carpet?" i'd say
Jennifer: "look all this trash! we're INDOORS. have you never heard of a wastebasket?"
Wilson: XXXXX always wanted us to play shadowrun
Wilson: i imagine his biggest regret on his deathbed will be never finding that shadowrun rulebook
Jennifer: i'd start a carpeting and cleaning service
Jennifer: the hard part would be convincing my "agents" to just politely drive over and install the carpet, and that it was not a carpet "run" that had to be conducted in the shadowy rooftops, wearing sunglasses

Wilson: remember Club 33?
Jennifer: no.
Wilson: it's a super secret club located in disneyland
Wilson: it's vaguely visible from the opening of "pirates of the caribbean"
Wilson: despite the fact that it's modeled after new orleans' french quarter...
Jennifer: oh, it's that resturant, right?
Wilson: annual membership fees are around $6000
Jennifer: yeah, i've been there
Wilson: you have never been in club 33...
Jennifer: i had their famous sandwhich, which i forget what it consists of
Wilson: their initial membership fee is $27,000!
Wilson: you have never been there in your entire life!
Wilson: the membership waiting list is FOURTEEN YEARS LONG

Wilson: i always hated alice in wonderland growing up
Wilson: i'd still watch it, it just pissed me off a lot
Jennifer: why did it piss you off?
Wilson: because the plot was a descent into increasing and incomprehensible nonsense horror for a little rational girl, then at the end she arbitrarily wakes up
Jennifer: but in a way, isn't that how life is? really?

Jennifer: POP QUIZ: how many people have walked on the moon?
Wilson: I don't know.
Jennifer: guesstimate
Wilson: Five.
Jennifer: correct
Wilson: Really?
Wilson: I just looked it up, and it looks like the answer is twelve.
Wilson: There have been six moonwalking instances, and in each instance two people walked on the moon
Wilson: So really, I was pretty close, since I was thinking of instances and didn't know that two people walked on the moon each time
Jennifer: the first three and a half were faked
Wilson: How do you fake half a moon landing?
Jennifer: CGI
Wilson: They didn't have CGI in the 60s and 70s
Jennifer: CGI stands for Cardboard Guy: Irwin
Jennifer: james irwin never really walked on the moon, they just posed a cardboard cutout of him in various lunar locations
Jennifer: it's still up there

Jennifer: this is a scene from minority report
Jennifer: he's chasing his eyeballs down the hallway
Jennifer: you may notice he has eyeballs in his face
Wilson: yes
Jennifer: this is true, but they're somebody else's eyeballs
Wilson: lies detected


Wilson: stop talking to my sister, you just blew up everything
Jennifer: EEEEEEEVERYTHING?
Wilson: yes.
Jennifer: all i said was
---
Jennifer: YOU KILLED HARRY POTTER!
Jennifer: YOU MUGGLE!
YYYYY: who's this?
Jennifer: I WILL AVENGE HIS DEATH!
---
Wilson: unfortunately, that was my mom
Wilson: so she had to call allie over in the middle of our conversation about the stupid inoculaid website
Wilson: and then allie threw a fit when i wouldn't tell them who you were and stood by you being completely irrelevant to the conversation
Wilson: and then mom threw a fit because allie threw a fit

Wilson: you could play translated japanese visual novels
Jennifer: i don't know what that means, but it's probably just porn
Wilson: they're novels, with visuals
Jennifer: so, comics, then
Wilson: no, you can choose your own adventure
Jennifer: so, dating sims
Wilson: no! there's no dating
Jennifer: just porn?
Wilson: occasionally...
Wilson: i've only ever played one, XXXXX suggested it...
Wilson: it had no porn or dating
Wilson: well, it was sort of one long date
Wilson: a boy and girl in their twenties escape from hospice care in the boy's car and learn about each other, driving around, stealing crap...
Jennifer: they're non-linear, you know, you probably just avoided the porn
Jennifer: just like you avoided going on the rides at disneyland
Wilson: this one was completely linear, no choices
Jennifer: so's space mountain! but i don't see you going on THAT
Wilson: i went on space mountain!

Jennifer: then why don't you marry it?
Wilson: i would, but you can't marry objects
Jennifer: sure you can! now that the GAYS have had their way, and destroyed the sanctity of marrage, and spit on it and rubbed their butts on it!


Jennifer: the MPAA is sending me angry letters today
Wilson: why
Jennifer: the gigabytes of movies i pirated, i imagine........
Wilson: you're just going to ignore them, I assume
Jennifer: yeaaaaah, pretty much.................
Wilson: what if they send someone literally to your door
Jennifer: well, they have neither the money nor any reason to do that
Wilson: I guess not opening it would work, actually...
Jennifer: i'd probably answer the door and deny everything
Jennifer: i mean, it's not like they can see evidence of piracy from the doorway
Jennifer: i'd just say that i didn't know what he was talking about, or didn't recall it
Jennifer: if it works for alberto gonzolas it should work for me........
Wilson: alberto gonzales was the attorney general. you're just some girl
XXXXX: that actually works, i tried it
Wilson: what works
XXXXX: claiming to be alberto gonzales
XXXXX: when they ask for proof, just say you misplaced it or don't remember ever having a birth certificate or form of ID to begin with

Wilson: the way it works is that you sign up with them, which is free
Wilson: you put a little thing on your site, which says "50 cents for your ad here project wonderful etc."
Wilson: and then people can click on that, pay project wonderful through paypal or credit card or whatever, their ad is instantly up on your website, and you get part of the money
Wilson: where it gets interesting is that people can then outbid the resident ads to get their ad up
Jennifer: where it stops being interesting is that i don't look at ads, let alone click them!
Wilson: yes
Wilson: but usually the ads are just links to different webcomics or whatever, since webcomics seem to be the only sites using them right now
Jennifer: webcomics are icky that way
Jennifer: this whole little web, sort of a slimy alien pod of links, and maybe a comic somwhere in there if you look hard enough
Jennifer: probably from five years ago, and probably a horrid guest comic

Jennifer: but none of you can be TRUSTED
Wilson: what!
Wilson: I'm incredibly trustworthy
Jennifer: ARE YOU?
Wilson: yes!
Jennifer: remember that time i wanted XXXXX's screen name and you led me on a merry chase instead of giving me the right one?
Wilson: that was you doing it to me!

Jennifer: do it
Jennifer: do it or you're gay!
Wilson: this is just a ridiculously tedious and complicated thing you're trying to get me to do, yet would never, ever do yourself in a million years!

Wilson: remember Smacked! magazine?
Wilson: they just printed ink splatter each month and wrote it off as printing errors
Jennifer: i write Smack! magazine, the only magazine more expensive than adbusters
Jennifer: (it's made of heroin)

Jennifer: I HAD THE MOST TERRIFYING EXPERIENCE JUST NOW
Wilson: what happened?
Jennifer: WELL
Jennifer: one thing that randomly crosses my mind a lot, is the idea of some random unlikely thing i think of being made real by powers unseen, just to let me know they're there
Jennifer: and i was just sitting here, when i noticed a shadow on the screen, like of somebody's hand
Jennifer: making shadow puppets
Wilson: hmmmmm
Jennifer: and i turned around, because there's no room behind me for anybody to be, it's just a corner
Jennifer: and there was a blue gumby figure stuck to the wall
Jennifer: well, i guess it's not that terrifying...


Jennifer: it's still christmas eve
Jennifer: have you got visions of sugarplums in your head?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: admit it, you do
Jennifer: they're dancing, too
Jennifer: visions of sugarplums are dancing in your head
Jennifer: they're dancing and prancing and doing that steve martin thing, where they flail around


* stargate
Jennifer: in this episode of stargate, macguyver casually pats an extra on the shoulder as he walks by him, and accidently pushes him over a railing to his death
Jennifer: it was..... the funniest scene ever.......
Jennifer: this is the only episode of stargate that i've seen
Jennifer: and only partially
Jennifer: i didn't see that scene
Jennifer: since they were acting crazy, pushing people over railings and whatnot, they were confined to a nicely furnished room
Jennifer: the same one they got sent to when they were seeing urgo, actually
Jennifer: and much as last time, they're constantly snacking
Jennifer: i wish i was sent to a nicely furnished room
Jennifer: with snacks in it
Wilson: this is the only episode of stargate that you've seen?
Jennifer: yeah, on tv
Jennifer: years ago
Wilson: so did macgyver feel bad about killing that extra?
Jennifer: he said sorry
Jennifer: then they broke out and went and had steaks!
Jennifer: at a bar!
Jennifer: and got into a barfight
Wilson: none of this happened.
Jennifer: it did happen
Hawaii: you're a liar! everything you do and say is a house of tumbling lies!


Jennifer: you're no good...
Jennifer: your SEAS doppleganger is probably named []
Wilson: i don't know if that's supposed to mean anything.
Jennifer: SEAS, simulation....... e....... a...... simulation....... something....... advanced....... environments...........something something
Jennifer: you know, the thing SIMULEX runs for the government
Wilson: not ringing a bell.
Jennifer: they feed in all the data they have on you, like what you buy at the supermarket, family income, where you work, keywords in online conversation, etc.
Jennifer: so they can see who's an outlier that they need to scrutinize
Jennifer: and other stuff, like who would die if the water supply was accidently contaminated, etc.
Jennifer: but simulex themselves don't get involved with the actual killings, that's more the CIA's job
Jennifer: supposedly you get like 500 suspicion points just for saying the word "simulex" so i'm supposed to spell it out, but that's just a superstition

Jennifer: LOOK AROOOOOUUUUND YOU
Jennifer: THERE ARE MANY THIIIIIIIINGS TO SEEE
Jennifer: THAT SOME WOULD SAAAAY
Jennifer: COULD NOT BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Jennifer: THESE THINGS I KNOWWWWWWWWW
Jennifer: THEY'RE TRUE AND I WILL TEEEELLLLL YOU SOOOOOO
Jennifer: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
Jennifer: BLAH BLAH BLAH
Jennifer: IN EVERY DREAM AND WISH AND HAAAAAPPY HOME
Jennifer: YOU WILL FIND THE SOMETHING OFFFFFFFFFFF THE GNOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jennifer: remember david the gnome?
Wilson: No
Jennifer: well, SCREW YOU
Jennifer: goodbye forever!

Jennifer: i remember once i was eating a cheese sandwich
Jennifer: munster i think
Jennifer: on toasted sourdough
Jennifer: it was too thick
Jennifer: and i was sitting at the kitchen table, and emily and my mother were there
Jennifer: and my mother said to emily "it must be a huge responsibility, mustn't it? Being perfect"
Jennifer: and emily was like "what?" and my mother said "you're the golden child"
Jennifer: and i said "i like how i'm sitting right here"
Jennifer: my mother tried to balance the scales by saying that i was the weird, evil one
Jennifer: the black sheep
Jennifer: i remember my grandfather once sent emily a check for $200 for chirstmas
Jennifer: and me a check for $200, also made out to emily
Wilson: hmm
Wilson: that is not a very good christmas present.
Jennifer: once my aunt sent us a box of blankets, one for my father, one for my mother, and one for emily
Jennifer: that whole side of the family hates me for some reason

Wilson: it'd be fun to go skydiving some day
Jennifer: oh, it's fun alreadyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Jennifer: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'M FALLING OUT OF AIRPLANe
Wilson: i'm surprised you get internet up there
Jennifer:  I'M CALLING FROM A CELLPHONE
Jennifer: THEY WORK AT 30,000 FEET, DON'T YOU REMEMBER 9/11?
Wilson: I NEVER FORGOT!
---
Wilson: how did you survive?
Jennifer: i landed on a haystack
Jennifer: luckily there was no pitchfork in it

Wilson: gary oldman played a dwarf in that one movie
Wilson: he's hollywood's chameleon
Jennifer: you're hollywood's chameleon! your tongue curls up into a veritable big texas cinnamon roll!

Wilson: Gödel had a most distinguished coach for his citizenship exam: Albert Einstein, who had earlier earned his own citizenship and who was concerned that his friend's unpredictable behavior might jeopardize his chances. Einstein accompanied Gödel to the hearing. To everyone's consternation, Gödel suddenly informed the presiding judge that he had discovered a way in which a dictatorship could be legally installed in the United States, through a logical contradiction in the U.S. Constitution. Fortunately, the judge, who was apparently a very patient person, took this in good part and awarded Gödel his citizenship.
Jennifer: hilarious

Jennifer: [would you like to kill this penguin.jpg]
Jennifer: how about this
Wilson: are you even trying to frighten me, here!
Jennifer: i should send an agent to your house with a machete
Jennifer: that would rush the halloween season i bet!
Wilson: see, that would be frightening
Wilson: but that's different, it's not an image
Jennifer: what if it's on 9/11 again
Jennifer: and you see it on tv
Wilson: see what, an agent at my house with a machete?
Jennifer: yes
Jennifer: only it's a cardboard cutout of one
Jennifer: propped in front of your window
Wilson: yeah, that'd probably be frightening, or at least ..
Wilson: yeah, that'd be frightening
Wilson: because of the context
Jennifer: BUT IT'S JUST AN IMAGE, ELIJAH
Wilson: I know
Wilson: but the image itself wouldn't be what was frightening me, I guess? I mean, the content of it wouldn't be
Wilson: because in the right context I can look at it and go "Oh, it's just a cardboard cutout of a guy with a machete"
Wilson: But if I see it outside my window, I'd jump
Wilson: because I'd think someone was standing there!
Jennifer: here, tell me your address
Jennifer: so i can send you... some money...
Wilson: you know, I don't think I'm going to do that, in the context of this conversation

Jennifer: BKN Izzyational AG is a global animation company engaged in the distribution and marketing of animated children's television programmes and the marketing of related consumer products in all forms. BKN own the Intellectual Property Rights to many successful global brands including Legend of the Dragon, Kong King of Atlantis, Dork Hunters from Outer Space and the Zorro-Generation Z series and  Zorro-Return to the Future  film and has a catalogue containing more than 1,000 hours of programming. 
Jennifer: Who knew that a wrong turn at Saturn would result in one of the funniest animated action shows destined to grace the television screens of this, or any other planet?
Join Mac, Nikki, Romeo, and their earthbound friends Eddie and Angie, as they take on the nastiest, interplanetary villains ever to hide out on Planet Earth - The Dorks.
That's right...you know them...you've seen them...you've smelled their breath! Dorks are among us and they are everywhere! Sound like enough for a couple of teens to handle? Then consider that our heroes must save the galaxy while struggling to cope with life as average teenagers in beautiful Paramus, New Jersey. And, oh yes, they take their orders from a ...goldfish! Starting to get the picture?
Dork Hunters From Outer Space
... because nobody likes a Dork! 
Wilson: i don't think i get the picture at all
Jennifer: you'll be impressed to know that Dork Hunters from Outer Space® ("Dork Hunters") has a 50.6% audience share!
Wilson: 50.6% of the earth's population?
Jennifer: yes!
Jennifer: ...in certain parts of south africa...at 4 AM...

Jennifer: where are you? did you fall down the ladder? are you being rowed across the river styx?
Wilson: no
Wilson: i'm trying to think of a way to deal with this laptop
Jennifer: you're still on the roof?
Wilson: yes
Wilson: i tried taking off my shirt and putting it in that so i could hold the shirt, but it's small enough to fall through the neck hole or the sleeves
Jennifer: call out to a person on the street, and say "hey, will you catch my laptop for me?"
Wilson: i think that may be the single worst idea you've ever had, Jennifer.
Jennifer: i don't know, i've had a lot of good ideas today
Wilson: i bet if i jumped enough i could create a hole and fall through
Wilson: and if it was in the right place, i'd land on a huge pile of bags of clothes
Wilson: the neighbor's balcony is a short enough drop, but it's very crowded
Wilson: there's a grill and awning that i'm sure wouldn't hold my weight
Wilson: and a little table, and whatever...
Wilson: maybe i SHOULD climb up that pipe, and traverse the rooftops until i find a better way down
Wilson: the only problem is that that's the last building before a gap where one of these places was demolished
Jennifer: bust in through your neighbor's crappy skylight
Jennifer: and say "OH YEAH!"
Jennifer: there's a small chance they just said something about thirst or kool-aid and will laugh at your joke
Wilson: good thinking

Jennifer: remember susan poppins?
Wilson: yes
Jennifer: remember the scene in susan poppins where all those chimneysweeps come out of the chimney and shake mr. banks's hand, and the little boy says "gosh pop, a hundred chimneysweeps just shook your hand! you must be the luckiest person ever"
Wilson: not... really...
Jennifer: well, it happened
Jennifer: in snotty meets smar smek, there's a parody of that
Jennifer: see, frito..... or spam, i forget
Jennifer: a parody of either frodo or sam, with a burrito stuck up either his nose or his butt, farts or sneezes with such force that he smashes out the side of the exitpenalty
Jennifer: and everybody gets sucked out
Jennifer: or rather, a ton of redshirts and smock (parody of spock)
Jennifer: then, snotty plugs the hole with his fatness, and just his legs are sticking out the side into space
Jennifer: fortunately smock was polishing his rocket powered grappling hook at the time, and he uses it to get back to the ship, and all the redshirts grab onto the rope behind him and they start pulling their way back, holding their breath or something i guess......
Jennifer: but then
Jennifer: pistons start shooting out of snotty's butt at them
Jennifer: and the camera pans into the inside of the ship, where we see that it's a fake snotty legs and butt that are plugging the hole, and shmuck (kirk) and the real snotty are loading pistons into it in a two-man bucket chain
Wilson: please stop
Jennifer: so, to avoid the pistons, the rope with all the redshirts on it starts swinging around wildly in space.....
Wilson: i'm going to stop recording now
Jennifer: but wait, i haven't gotten to the relevent part
Wilson: fine
Jennifer: ok, so, they end up on the top of the ship, on the saucer section
Jennifer: and they do a parody of "step in time" called "dancing time"
Jennifer: and at the end of it they all go down the chimney in purturd's office and get all sooty and as they leave they shake his hand
Jennifer: and bratty says "gosh cap'n purturd! a hundred redshirts just shook your hand! you must be the luckiest person ever"
Jennifer: ok, i'm done

Wilson: now we're cooking with gas
Jennifer: i'm cooking with charcoal, for a homier flavor

Wilson: but I forgot to get peanut butter
Wilson: I should walk to walgreens and get some
Jennifer: how can it be that urgent
Jennifer: do you need to stick your dick in it
Wilson: no, I need it to make sandwiches
Jennifer: dick sandwiches
Jennifer: hey, you should make a comic out of that
Wilson: no, that's awful
Wilson: I'm going to lie down now
Jennifer: have some kids with a lemonade stand sort of deal outside a house, selling PEANUT BUTTER AND PENIS SANDWICHES
Wilson: this is an awful idea
Jennifer: and in the background coming out of the house is a line of wincing guys

Jennifer: i'll just write a youtube link on this tube
Jennifer: but to what...
Jennifer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdby-GkQlg0
Jennifer: this!
Jennifer: perfect
Wilson: that's a suggestion you definitely wouldn't get from a website
Jennifer: where's my sharpie
Jennifer: this is a pretty narrow tube
Jennifer: it's not going to be easy to write on it
Wilson: well, if you mess it up you can just write on something else
Jennifer: like FUCK YOU
Wilson: no, i mean, write the url on something else
Wilson: a cardboard tube that says FUCK YOU is a terrible graduation present
Jennifer: oh...

Jennifer: the two cats were making weird noises
Jennifer: i accused them of being aliens, and they admitted it
Jennifer: they stood on their hind legs, and each had only one eye, yellow, and they pulled out rayguns
Jennifer: cleverly i disposed of them by hitting the lever on a recliner which for some reason had footrests that shot out to either side instead of in front, sending the aliens flying
Jennifer: i picked up their rayguns...
Wilson: I think this may have been a dream you had.
Jennifer: then where did i get these rayguns?

Jennifer: IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO DIE
Jennifer: this man will be your executioner
Jennifer: his weapon? goose
Jennifer: i hope you are satisfied with this manner of death
Wilson: sounds great
Jennifer: you don't sound too enthused
Jennifer: how about this guy instead?
Jennifer: his weapon, you ask?
Wilson: what
Jennifer: goose!
Wilson: is he going to hit me with the goose, or let it try to eat me, or what?
Jennifer: i was thinking hit you

Jennifer: i was thinking, we have a short bus for dumb kids, but why don't we have an extra-long bus for smart kids?
Jennifer: there's even less smart kids than dumb kids, so there'd be plenty of room for a pool and a dining car and such
Wilson: smart kids get their parents to drive them
Jennifer: but they wouldn't if they got a special bus with free booze and whores!
Wilson: no one would pay for that
Jennifer: but it's for the children!!

Jennifer: remember when rachel lost a battle of wits with a starfish brain, and they all laughed at her?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: then she got cut in half with a shovel, and turned into two rachels
Wilson: that would be a good plotline for a fanfiction
Wilson: why hasn't anyone done that
Jennifer: because it happened in the book
Wilson: no it didn't
Jennifer: rachel was just lounging around at the beach, being a starfish
Jennifer: when WHAM! some kid chopped her in half
Jennifer: with a toy shovel
Jennifer: then, she was two rachels!
Jennifer: ONE GOOD, AND ONE EVIL!
Wilson: people don't MORPH INTO STARFISH in this series!
Wilson: you're a horrible liar!
Jennifer: well, ok
Jennifer: not good and evil
Jennifer: one had... the short term memory, and one had... courage...
Jennifer: one had the power of fire... captain planet was summoned...
Wilson: fine, which book was this!
Jennifer: thhhh... thirty...
Jennifer: ...two
Wilson: LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE.


Wilson: it'd probably still be very hard to rob a bank invisible
Jennifer: yeah...
Wilson: you'd have to settle for robbing people's houses
Jennifer: rob the houses!
Jennifer: kill the president!
Jennifer: slap james randi in the head until he admits you're magic!
Wilson: that would be the best use of any superpower
Jennifer: hide in wilson's room and scare him!
Wilson: i am wilson
Jennifer: oh, right!
Jennifer: oh no, a phone call

Wilson: my dad has gone crazy
Jennifer: permanently?
Wilson: i don't know
Wilson: he's talking about michelangelo paintings
Wilson: apparently he was looking at some of the figures and found that they looked incredibly stupid and cartoony
Jennifer: sounds like brain cancer. you better take him to the graveyard, for easier burying.
Wilson: so he began cutting them out and matching them with others and discovered that the lines and shadows and color contrast and things matched
Jennifer: cutting them out of the actual original paintings?
Wilson: he doesn't have original michelangelo paintings, what are you saying?
Wilson: he's yelling a lot
Wilson: i don't know what to tell him about it
Wilson: he's also saying that after these paintings were restored, the lines no longer matched up
Wilson: so it was deliberate conspiracy by the catholic church to destroy important messages about christiandom
Wilson: "i should get a fucking doctorate about this, ralph"
Jennifer: your name's not ralph
Wilson: ralph is a nickname for my mom
Jennifer: that's weird
Wilson: yes, her name is actually sharon
Wilson: i don't know where the nickname came from
Jennifer: it probably involves a merry-go-round and too much seafood

Jennifer: let's watch a speedrun of D&D
Wilson: which adventure
Jennifer: whichever
Jennifer: you just find a game, sit down at it, and say "MY WIZARD ROLLS INTO THE DUNGEON WHAT HAPPENS" and the dungeon master says "well, there's an oaken door to the left, slightly stained w-" and you say "I OPEN THE DOOR AND ROLL DOWN THE HALL AS FAST AS I CAN"
Jennifer: "WHAT DO I SEE"
Jennifer: "uhhhhhhhh" "C'MON, FASTER! FASTER!!!!!!11"
Jennifer: bring one of those chess timers and frantically smash its buttons inbetween each turn

Jennifer: but no, he fursuits as an owl with a......
Jennifer: what do you call that graduation hat thing.......
Wilson: damnit, now i have to figure out how much you're lying
Jennifer: a mortarboard
Wilson: i'm going to go with "the entire thing"

Wilson: a pouch isn't an orifice
Jennifer: yes it is
Jennifer: it's all slimy and disgusting
Jennifer: therefore it's an orifice

* ghost
Wilson: well, i've committed a serious boner.
Jennifer: what was it
Wilson: a girl my mom taught in high school called me a few days ago trying to reach her, saying it was an emergency
Wilson: i forgot about it until just now, when she called back to let me know that the emergency was that her sister died
Jennifer: how is that an emergency
Jennifer: she's not getting any deader!
Susan: actually people do get steadily deader after they die, but it's not like anyone's going to attempt to halt the process
Susan: they could, they could freeze her
Susan: but they don't really need your mom's help for that
Wilson: that's not the issue...
Jennifer: so, her sister dies, and she calls her high school TA and says it's an emergency
Jennifer: this girl sounds like a real nutcase
Wilson: i feel like i should call her back and apologize for not saying "hey, that's no good"
Susan: give me her number, i'll call her and pretend to be her sister's ghost
Wilson: absolutely not.
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: hauntings don't occur that quickly

* ghost
Jennifer: is this still the same one as before
Noreen: yes
Noreen: wait, no
Noreen: i don't know who i've told you about
Jennifer: the one who swerved to avoid a skunk
Noreen: no
Jennifer: and he fell off a cliff and became a ghost
Noreen: no, no, no! what are you talking about!!!
Jennifer: then he got turned back into a regular guy, with a de-ghostifying machine
Jennifer: i might be thinking of the bill pullman character from the live action casper the friendly ghost movie, actually

Noreen: my sense of time is all out of whack
Hawaii: spin in circles!

Noreen: the "foster's home for imaginary friends" characters now star in a PSA
Jennifer: about what
Jennifer: not getting hit by trains?
Noreen: yyyy close, actually
Noreen: just looking both ways before crossing the street
Noreen: it opens with mac telling bloo that everyone is going to the park
Noreen: bloo sits on the porch in a rocking chair, with a straw hat and a harmonica
Noreen: then he runs into the middle of traffic, though that's not seen
Noreen: wilt pulls him
Noreen: back
Noreen: then
Noreen: there
Noreen: message
Noreen: don't walk
Noreen: street
Noreen: end.
Jennifer: that description knocked my socks off
Jennifer: with its horribleness and awkward delivery

Wilson: One of the central curiosities of "An American Tail" is that it tells a specifically Jewish experience but does not attempt to inform its young viewers that the characters are Jewish or that the house burning was anti-Semitic. I suppose that would be a downer for the little tykes in the theater, but what do they think while watching the present version? That houses are likely to be burned down at random? This bleak view of a cold and heartless universe is enforced onboard the ship to America, where little Fievel amuses himself by staring at barrels full of pickled herring with much the same delight that a modern mouse child might tune in Pee-Wee Herman's Saturday morning show. One day a fearsome storm blows up and, despite the frenzied protestations of his parents, little Fievel ventures up on deck to see the flying fish and is sucked away by the gale.
Wilson: an american tail was terribly dark
Jennifer: it had a happy ending
Wilson: yes, see, that's what don bluth thinks made his movies acceptable
Jennifer: i don't remember it being TERRIBLY dark, it was a bit bleak at times but there were musical numbers and overall it was just unmemorable
Jennifer: i do remember all dogs go to heaven as being bleak though
Wilson: all dogs go to heaven actually depicts hell, the main character's mom in the land before time starves to death, and fievel is alone and picked on by random assholes for most of an american tail AND an american tail goes west
Wilson: oh, and the secret of nimh has swordfights and murder played straight
Wilson: 
An American Tail is like Disney's 1985 "Return to Oz," which opened with Dorothy strapped to a table receiving electroshock therapy: It has been written by people who want to prepare kids for the worst. I forgot to mention that the first thing Fievel discovers after his bottle washes ashore is that, in America, there are cats.
Wilson: the land before time was going to be a lot darker, actually, but everyone said no and don bluth had a fight about it
Jennifer: here's what i remember about an american tail:
Jennifer: there's a bunch of jewish mice on a boat to america, they sing a song which emily and i often sang in the car just to be annoying, and then something something they get to america but fievel and his family are separated and continually come very close to finding each other but not quite, fievel meets an evil pigeon and an evil electric cricket and there's another annoying musical number with the statue of liberty, fievel meets an annoying mouse and his annoying girlfriend, something something, fievel's hat doesn't fit, captured and put in a bird cage by cats who play poker comically badly, one cat with an annoying voice turns out to have a heart of gold, something something giant firework dog chases all the cats into the sea, everybody lives happily ever after and fievel's hat fits the end
Wilson: you remembered that surprisingly well
Jennifer: but i don't really remember it being dark
Wilson: i guess i'll have to watch it again
Wilson: i didn't remember the brave little toaster being as dark as it was either
Wilson: but it turned out to be full of quite amazingly bleak scenes!
Jennifer: the thing about the no cats in america song is that the chorus starts with "But........." so any time somebody would say "But," in conversation and pause just a millisecond longer than necessary, emily and i would launch into it

Jennifer: i don't like folk music, wilson!
Wilson: what about joanna newsom, you like her
Jennifer: not now that andy samburg's had his dick in her! he ruined folk music forever.
Wilson: i'm not sure if i can abide the new anti-semitic Jennifer.

Jennifer: if you ask me, plants should just be exterminated
Jennifer: like the pests that they are!
Wilson: what about all the oxygen they produce
Jennifer: bah!
Wilson: i'm not sure that's a valid answer
Jennifer: well, we'll just exterminate the animals too
Jennifer: so they don't breathe it all up
Wilson: i guess we'll still get enough from photosynthetic plankton
Wilson: then again, do those survive oceanic deevolution?
Jennifer: those are still technically plants, they'll have to go
Jennifer: and while we're axing the animals and plants, i suppose the fungi and whatever should be expunged as well
Wilson: we still don't have a way to deal with bacteria, though
Jennifer: they die!
Wilson: what do you mean "they die"
Jennifer: they die and no one misses them!
Jennifer: that's how we deal with them
Hawaii: what about when they reproduce?
Jennifer: they can't reproduce if they're dead!
Hawaii: why would they die?
Jennifer: because we would kill them!
Wilson: how do you kill all the bacteria?
Jennifer: good question
Wilson: yeah, that was my question in the first place!
Jennifer: nanites, i guess

Jennifer: you know who joins a skeptic society?
Jennifer: in almost every case, it's somebody who got burned believing in some religion when they were younger, and now seeks basically to protect themselves and make sure they don't get fooled again
Jennifer: they retreat to the scientific status quo and ridicule anything that falls outside of it
Wilson: i've never believed in any religion...

Jennifer: a common pattern is that by the end of a dream, a setting will go from a normal sized, normally constructed place, to an enormous sprawling chaos
Jennifer: buildings get bigger and bigger until they're not plausible
Jennifer: whether i'm inside them or outside them
Jennifer: although my dreams are almost always indoors, in the few cases where i'm outside it's basically impossible to, for instance, walk around a house
Jennifer: by the time i get to the fourth side, it's such a huge complicated building that i can't go around it, i have to go through it
Jennifer: and then i can never get out
Wilson: "the mansion of the imagination has many rooms and many doors, but of all these rooms and all these doors, none lead out, but further in"

Jennifer: who was that idiot who said that everybody should be able to change a baby's diaper, dig a hole, die defending their country, etc.
Jennifer: and that specialization was for insects
Wilson: heinlein
Jennifer: i hate that guy...


Wilson: didn't you mention reading elfquest
Jennifer: yes
Jennifer: when i was........ a child
Jennifer: see, it's about elves
Jennifer: on a quest
Jennifer: a quest to find what, you ask?
Jennifer: see if you can guess!
Wilson: more elves?
Jennifer: INDEED.
Jennifer: it ran a long time, i think there were.... like, 16 books
Jennifer: something like that
Jennifer: each one compiling a number of comics, i don't know how many....
Jennifer: anyway, there were elves, there were magic elves
Jennifer: trolls........
Jennifer: evil elves
Jennifer: magic evil elves
Jennifer: fairies that spat goo
Jennifer: that was probably my favorite part
Jennifer: also, all the elves are short
Jennifer: except for a few special tall elves, who they call the tall ones, and revere almost as gods
Jennifer: see, it turns out the elves are from space, originally
Jennifer: they're aliens
Jennifer: the little tribe of wolf-riding elves who the story is about are decended from a particularly stupid elf who was banished to earth centuries ago
Jennifer: anyway
Jennifer: this short little primordial elf was banished to earth, under the pretense that he was being sent to invade it
Jennifer: the trolls are evolved from his brainless robot servant
Jennifer: and the goo-spitting fairies are also somehow his fault, but i forget how
Jennifer: guess at what point this became a lie about invader zim
Wilson: at "all the elves are short"
Jennifer: no, that's true
Wilson: that they're aliens?
Jennifer: that's true as well
Wilson: did you not lie about any of it?
Jennifer: it's all true! YOU'VE DISCOVERED THE SECRET OF ELFQUEST
Wilson: i had a sneaking suspicion from the beginning, but trolls evolving from a robot seemed like too much, it threw me off
Jennifer: actually the one thing that's not true is the bit about the tall ones
Jennifer: in elfquest, they're called the high ones
Jennifer: they still lead the armada though
Jennifer: just because they're tall!
Jennifer: and one of them is voiced by kevin mcdonald in the short-lived cartoon
Jennifer: beyond that though, it's really not like invader zim at all
Jennifer: there's a lot more sex, for one thing
Jennifer: dib is a gnome
Jennifer: he wears stripey socks
Jennifer: are you buying any of this?
hawaii: yes!
Jennifer: well, i can't think of any more lies about elfquest
---
Jennifer: oh, i forgot to mention
Jennifer: all elves are telepathic
Jennifer: but some elves have magic powers beyond even that..........
Jennifer: in the end, there's a magic flying elf castle spaceship, and the evil elf takes it BACK IN TIME
Jennifer: along with the main character elf tribe leader's family
Jennifer: and so, what does he do? he decides to wait until time loops around and the future becomes the past
Jennifer: and let me tell you, that's a lot of waiting!
Jennifer: does it work? find out next time, on lie theater.......

Wilson: how is it a conversational topic
Wilson: it's just you insulting me
Jennifer: welllll, that's what passes for conversation in these parts!

Jennifer: anyway, hello mars was a picture book
Jennifer: about a kid in the FUTURE
Jennifer: who GOES TO MARS, BABY!
Jennifer: it had an audio acompanyment
Jennifer: anyway, this kid, he lives alone, because his parents have gone to mars
Jennifer: he does everything via telescreens
Jennifer: he has an online school session every day, with happy multiethnic friends
Jennifer: there's a creepy medical scanning robot tube thing you get inside
Jennifer: blinkin' lights
Jennifer: finally he gets to go to mars
Jennifer: most of the book is about his time at this space station in between, though
Jennifer: there's this huge huge lobby area
Jennifer: he kicks off from his velcro shoes as soon as he gets there, and goes flying joyously through the air, crashing into a bunch of people and causing a horrible problem
Jennifer: there's this great two-page spread of him floating through this huge lobby though, with an idiotic sleepy grin on his face
Jennifer: i used to hold it up in front of emily and make spacey floating music
Jennifer: anyway, this bossy girl from the moon who knows her way around zero gravity sorts everything out, and publically shames him
Jennifer: and most of the rest of the book is about his crippling inferiority to her in every respect
Jennifer: she calls him groundhog
---
Jennifer: anyway, see, planetron is a robot
Jennifer: an educational robot!
Jennifer: it's never questioned where he's from, he's just here to educate this one boy about the solar system
Jennifer: coincidently, that's his homework
Jennifer: he starts out as this tiny robot
Jennifer: even small though, he's faintly sinister
Jennifer: he looks kind of like scangrade
Jennifer: white, about half a foot tall, cylindrical
Jennifer: he has thin rectangular eyes
Jennifer: i remember as a child they reminded me of french fries
Jennifer: no expression to speak of
Jennifer: all he can say is "sunnul ite"
Jennifer: eventually the kid figures he means sunlight, and puts him in the sun
Jennifer: and then he begins to grow
Jennifer: and grow and grow, and telescope and transform
Jennifer: like the evil robot in zathura
Jennifer: until he's three or four stories tall
Jennifer: and looks more like an insect, and has radar dishes and such
Jennifer: a hatch opens
Jennifer: "YOU HAVE... TO GO... INSIDE" he commands
Jennifer: and then he blasts off, and with his FTL drive soon they're billions of miles away from everything the poor bespectacled boy, who's name is probably geoffrey or something, knows and loves
Jennifer: there are other bodiless entities living inside planetron, too
Jennifer: A-2-Z, who's this chipper computer voice with astronoid facts
Jennifer: and Mr. Ink, who i forget what he does, but he's creepy
Jennifer: anyway, they go to mars, and the kid goes out in a rover
Jennifer: but a sand storm blows in, and danger alarms happen
Jennifer: all of this in 3D sound, of course
Jennifer: geoffrey dies of fear
Jennifer: just kidding, he makes it home safe and sound and planetron shrinks back down, and the kid does his homework
Jennifer: anyway, it's the sequel which has the creepy part
Jennifer: BEYOND THE SOLAR SYSTEM
Jennifer: in this one they investigate stuff like nebulas and white dwarfs and binary stars and things
Jennifer: sooner or later, they come to a black hole
Jennifer: "can we go in for a closer look?" says geoffrey
Jennifer: planetron decides that since he has an FTL (faster than light) drive, they can safely go within the event horizon
Jennifer: this turns out to be incorrect
Jennifer: DING! turn to the next page!
Jennifer: actually i think the page turning sound was some spacey synthisizer thing in that book
Jennifer: on the next page, they're inside the black hole, which is rendered somewhat impressionistically, with dark clouds
Jennifer: kind of a swirling gray...
Jennifer: planetron is warped like a banana
Jennifer: and his voice begins to slooww doowwwnnnn llliiiiiike thhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssssssssssssss...
Jennifer: of course, they survive
Jennifer: the book ends with them finding a planet with alien life, so far away they're just now getting howdy doody broadcasts
Jennifer: howdy doody's face is the final image in the book. Goodnight, kids!
Jennifer: you never actually see any aliens, so you're left to associate his hideous visage with the alleged alien life forms planetron found
Jennifer: i think he wouldn't let geoffrey land there
Jennifer: anyway, hello mars was hilarious, that's my point... i think i had a crush on the bitchy prima donna moon girl
Jennifer: it was like a goofus and gallant comparison
Jennifer: she does amazing skating in a spherical ice rink, he has a crappy job watering plants in a greenhouse
Jennifer: except that all of her skills are due to simply her being born in space
Jennifer: still, you can't help but get the impression that he just sucks, independant of his lowly place of birth
Jennifer: mainly from his idiotic expression floating through the lobby
Jennifer: he gets really broken up about it all, and narrates stuff like "of course, if we were back in earth gravity, she couldn't even lift her own suitcase. it almost made me feel bad for her. almost."
Jennifer: i forget if he somehow redeems his worth as a human being by the end of the book, probably not
Jennifer: probably it just ends with him driving across mars in a rover at high speed, chased by the space police, screaming into the vacuum
Jennifer: like the final scene in lost highway
Jennifer: except, on mars.
Wilson: they sound like great kid's books
Jennifer: well, i'm deliberately misremembering a lot

Wilson: i've adopted a strategy of telling my sister unpleasant confessions until she registers to vote
Wilson: but she only has like a week left....
Jennifer: politics related ones?
Wilson: no, me-related ones
Jennifer: like what, that when she takes a shower you press your ear up to the wall?

Jennifer: can't you just register on election day, at the polling place?
Wilson: i don't think so?
Jennifer: that's what i remember doing when i voted for bush the first time......
Wilson: why did you do that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jennifer: because i wasn't registered to vote, obviously...
Wilson: that's implicitly not what i'm talking about!!!


Jennifer: i should design my deconstructed themepark in more detail
Jennifer: break it down into multiple lands, like disneyland does
Wilson: "Strobe land" "Blacklight land"
Jennifer: Jennifer: fog machine land, unintentionally scary land, which way do we go is that an employees only door no i think that's where we just came from land........
Jennifer: thing that comes out of a box land.... you're-basically-just-watching-tv-but-there's-some-kind-of-experience-tacked-on-so-you-don't-feel-bad-about-it land
Jennifer: get something dumped on you land
Jennifer: then we could have rides such as "honey i sprayed the audience with goo"
Jennifer: pretty fountain with colored lights in it land
Jennifer: imagine-if-a-fat-kid-fell-off-that land
Jennifer: clown land
Jennifer: not enough clowns in themeparks these days
Jennifer: clowns are a good way to get a reaction out of people
Jennifer: instead you just see animals everywhere, and frankly, animals are boring
Jennifer: stuff that's funny because it's broken land
Jennifer: stuff that's funny because it's just incredibly lame to begin with land
Jennifer: you're too scared to go on it because it looks like it might go upside down land
Jennifer: you know, stuff that goes upside down isn't nearly as scary as it looks, it's less scary than just your standard big drop
Wilson: I think the fear is that it will become stuck upside down.
Jennifer: a good way to make rides scarier would be to make it seem like they're in disrepair, and like, the bolts holding the wheels on are making a bad sound
Jennifer: you could have a park employee with a walky talky observing the car as it comes down the first hill, and have them put on this look of horror and dash off through a door or something
Jennifer: and when you get to the top of the last hill, just before the big drop, the lights go on and the music stops and you hear someone yell something about the emergency brake
Jennifer: that would be in Oh Shit Oh Shit Oh Shit The Operating Manual For This Ride Was Translated From German And We Did Not Follow The Safety Inspection Protocol Correctly Land


Jennifer: on the last episode of house, house goes ka-razy!
Jennifer: then he dies.
Jennifer: he dies....... at wilson's hands!
CCCCC: neat!
Jennifer: the next season will be about wilson
Jennifer: it will be called wilson md
Jennifer: and it'll be about him solving problems with kindness and understanding instead of meanness and logic
CCCCC: dr. wilson's kindness never solved shit!!
Jennifer: you don't know that! you don't know!!!!!
Jennifer: also, sometimes he'll shoot people with a gun
Jennifer: over and over again while screaming at the top of his lungs
Jennifer: who would you rather be, wilson?
Wilson: I'm not sure what you're asking
Jennifer: would you rather be dr. wilson!
Wilson: no
Jennifer: why not, he's a successful handsome doctor! 
Jennifer: you'd rather shovel dog crap all day like the poopsmith?
Jennifer: the other option was being emily elizabeth, i should've mentioned that
Wilson: I don't know anything about medicine, though. Or would I inherit his knowledge?
Jennifer: yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyes
Jennifer: but it's too late, you MADE YOUR CHOICE
Jennifer: don't worry though, you'll inherit all of emily elizabeth's knowledge of basic shapes and colors and whatnot
Jennifer: and you probably don't have to clean up clifford's poop, he can talk if i recall correctly, so he's probably smart enough to poop on canada or something
Jennifer: you could probably tell him where to poop..... a powerful threat against your many enemies
Jennifer: chief among them: HOUSE MD
Jennifer: you inherit dr. wilson's problems either way, i should've mentioned that too

Wilson: here, have a spotify account
Wilson: https://www.spotify.com/invitation/aEwzAGLNqTCG8GSS
Jennifer: what is spotify and why do i not want it
Wilson: it's a music streaming... deal...
Wilson: you type in an artist's name and stream the music
Jennifer: i can do that on youtube
Wilson: yeah, but now you can do it with the convenience of an itunes-like program and... no video... and...

Jennifer: here's some green to soothe your retinas
Wilson: is this guerrilla marketing for "The Green Lantern"?
Jennifer: no, still shrek
Jennifer: actually, green lantern is itself guerrilla marketing for shrek

Jennifer: i'm helping the planet, Wilson
Jennifer: want to know how?
Wilson: e-cycling?
Jennifer: yes! if that means using those green canvas bags
Jennifer: for your recycling
Jennifer: except, i don't actually recycle, so i'm just using them for trash bags
Jennifer: tee-hee!

Wilson: the oxford comma is on its last legs
Jennifer: well, that's why it's so unpopular
Jennifer: people don't like having to draw little legs on their commas

* libertarianism
Jennifer: what elllllllllllse................... stork meat?
Wilson: i don't think you can legally buy that
Jennifer: i can buy it with BITCOIN!!!!! NO NEED FOR A NANNY STATE!

Jennifer: let's eat a bunch of funnel cake and then go on the gravitron!
Wilson: let's not
Jennifer: WHY THE HELL NOT
Wilson: risk of gravitron-transmitted disease?
Jennifer: i'm sure the carneys who assembled it wiped their hands

Jennifer: hawaii doesn't believe i can meditate for an hour straight!!!!!
Wilson: that does sound pretty unlikely
Jennifer: i'll show her!!!!!!!

Wilson: Lifetime is developing a movie about the highly-publicized case of two couples involved in an IVF mix-up. Sony Pictures TV, which is producing the project, has acquired the rights to the story of Carolyn and Sean Savage and Shannon and Paul Morrell, who made headlines when a fertility clinic mistakenly implanted the Morrells' embryo into Carolyn Savage. Savage went on to give birth to a baby boy, which was then given to the other couple. Nancey Silvers, who most recently wrote Lifetime's upcoming movie William and Kate, will write the telefilm, which is based on Carolyn and Sean Savage's book Inconceivable, released today by Harper Collins, as well as Shannon and Paul Morrell's book Misconception published last spring and released in paperback 2 weeks ago.
Jennifer: if i worked at that clinic, and had to tell them the news, i'd make sure to send in two handsome doctors in white lab coats, with very grave faces
Jennifer: the one doing the talking would have his hands in his pockets
Jennifer: the other one would have a sliding trombone to play the noise
Wilson: really, i just like that each couple had to write a book about the experience
Wilson: you'd think they could have simply collaborated on one...
Susan: the savages actually wrote both books, but the first one was accidentally published under the morrells' names, so they had to write a second one.

Wilson: I think most people have conditions, but not everyone.
Jennifer: Name someone who doesn't!

Susan: remember that showalter showalter episode where the guy asks him if he has collegehumor bookmarked on his computer, and showalter says he just types "c" and hits the down arrow and it's in his url bar?
Wilson: is college humor meant to be indicative of a genre?
Wilson: how did they arrive at their name?

Jennifer: i voted today
Wilson: i haven't read up on any candidates or propositions
Jennifer: then i had a bread bowl
Jennifer: broccoli and cheese soup was inside
Wilson: there's never a bread bowl when i go to vote
Wilson: just old people
Jennifer: i also had a cookie and some fruit punch
Jennifer: my polling station is in a panara bread
Wilson: that... that doesn't sound right... nothing sounds right about this...

Jennifer: it didn't wake me up because i went to sleep with the lights on and loud music playing on the computer
Jennifer: which amusingly found its way into my dream, as it often does...
Wilson: how can you fall asleep like that?
Jennifer: i was trying to buy a ticket to a movie, there were two showing
Jennifer: one was a comedy film with a long name, and one was a serious film called "jail"
Jennifer: and i was asking the ticket counter girl what time the last showing was, but she was speaking too quietly and kind of ignoring me, doing something on the computer
Jennifer: i couldn't hear her over the music from the real world
Jennifer: i asked her to repeat herself like five times, and finally leaned across the counter to see if i could see the information i needed on her screen
Jennifer: but it turned out she wasn't even looking at movie information, she was retouching a naked photo of herself in photoshop

Jennifer: windows live messenger's minimization behavior is IDIOTIC
Jennifer: it animates as though it's going to the system tray, but no icon appears there
Jennifer: instead, it makes a taskbar button
Jennifer: and when you click that button to restore it, it makes a SECOND taskbar button
Wilson: that's nice
Jennifer: bear in mind this is the MOST RECENT VERSION of a program created by MICROSOFT ITSELF

Jennifer: An Iraqi prank television show has taken the 'candid camera' format to a new level after planting fake bombs under celebrities' cars. 
Wilson: that sounds dangerous
Jennifer: sometimes they plant real bombs
Jennifer: sometimes they use real bombs, but fake celebrities
Jennifer: or the fake celebrity is the bomb
Jennifer: and they go to interview them, like, they put them on larry king
Jennifer: and larry king asks them a question
Jennifer: and the camera cuts to a close shot of the celebrity, sitting in the chair
Jennifer: and you realize it's just a lit bomb
Jennifer: and larry king says "my goodness."
Jennifer: they have names like "shortie mcfuse"

Jennifer: yahoo is better though
Jennifer: because it has yodels
Jennifer: they're characters who say annoying things
Jennifer: the best is a purple rapper who says "yahoo. yahoo yahoo yahoo."
Jennifer: because he says it over and over again
Jennifer: forever
Wilson: that does sound pretty good
Wilson: but now i can't tell if you're lying or not
Jennifer: i'm also fond of the blue heart which says "SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY NEEDS A SPANKING"

Wilson: a yes or no would suffice

Hawaii: would you rather be happy and bored, or unhappy and not bored?
Wilson: that depends on other compounded emotional states, really
Wilson: if i'm unhappy and not bored because i'm falling off a cliff, that's one thing
Wilson: but mostly, the latter
Hawaii: what if you were happy and bored cuz you were falling off a cliff, but really really slowly?
Wilson: that sounds good
Hawaii: into a vat of acid?
Wilson: why would i be happy?
Hawaii: you don't KNOW it's acid!
Wilson: then no.

Wilson: flavor flav of public enemy got an interview with salon.
Wilson: and he's famous for shouting "YEAH!" and getting drunk with the beastie boys.
Wilson: he's still more famous than the guy who draws robo rabbit rooter
Wilson: i don't know that comic
Wilson: exactly!
Wilson: i may have no respect for flavor flav, but i at least know who he is.
Wilson: that means absolutely nothing at all!
Wilson: for all i know, you just MADE UP that rabbit robot comic RIGHT NOW
Wilson: just like i made up the fact that salon ever interviewed flavor flav!
Wilson: well, i did
Wilson: huh.
Wilson: this was a singularly pointless argument

Susan: today's comic is about the president of bolivia peeing his pants, because that's apparently all my artist can draw
Wilson: That's an unusually specific limitation.

Susan: i should make people pass a vocabulary test before they can talk to me
Wilson: who would you administer it to
Susan: everyone.
Wilson: even yourself?
Susan: yes. i'd say to myself "metaphor is to simile as analogy is to...?"
Susan: but i'd ignore myself, as i wasn't cleared to talk to myself, having not yet taken the test.

Wilson: i think you're confusing brainstorming with faux-sphinxlike bullshitting
Susan: wow, you hyphenated two x words

* games
Susan: one of the things about resource management is it'll leave people walking dead
Susan: without enough oxygen to get back inside or whatever
Susan: so for the next person i restart from just before the command they entered that put them over the line
Susan: which is unfair, but entertaining
Susan: You are standing in a warehouse-sized room tiled in a blue and white checkerboard. A suspended walkway with darkened windows crosses the room 20 feet up from north to south. There is a deafening sound coming from a doorway to the west. There are additionally doors to the south and east, and a frieght elevator on the south wall.
Susan: that's what they might see upon typing "hello"
Susan: it doesn't even tell them they're wearing a spacesuit, because that's inventory
Susan: they have to ask
Susan: and even then it doesn't tell them they have 20 minutes of oxygen
Susan: and even then it doesn't tell them the only way back to a space with air that's not full of chlorine is to immediately get in the elevator, go down, and go down the north hall and through the airlock
Susan: so they better hope the last player left them a note
Wilson: i hate your game
Susan: well, i just run it the way a text adventure is run

* dream
Susan: i learned a new word in a dream last night
Susan: for people who have a physical body in the real world, or any kind of presence there at all, including on the internet
Susan: "faceboys"
Susan: i don't know if she had a word for people like us who ONLY exist in the real world
Susan: we're probably beneath contempt
Wilson: I'm not sure I understand the use of this term. In other words, people who exist are "faceboys"?
Susan: no, just liminal beings who are partly here and partly not
Susan: partly... elsewhere
Susan: she was entirely elsewhere
Wilson: Oh, so we are not faceboys. Faceboys exist in mutliple reality-type things, one of which is our physical world.
Susan: sure
Susan: although the other "reality-type" things are more real than our world, i think
Susan: faceboys was to some extent a term of derision
Wilson: Like, an angel would be a faceboy, because it has a physical body but also exists in the something-whatever of heaven? Assuming heaven is not a physical place.
Susan: yes

* prank
Susan: katey found the fake spider i planted in the shower, apparently
Susan: it was a big one, with scads of brightly colored fluorescent bits
Susan: i stuck it on the wall with sticky-tack, and closed the curtain so she wouldn't see it until she opened it up
Wilson: that doesn't sound very convincing...
Susan: well, i didn't think so either
Susan: but jeff called to ask me where else i had put fake spiders, because apparently she's catatonic
Wilson: i see
Susan: the lesson here is never to rush the halloween season
Susan: i just got so much more than i bargained for!!!
Susan: it serves her right for breaking my favorite colored pencil as a child, though

* zzt games
Susan: you know, i think this last zzt game may be my very BEST zzt game ever?
Susan: much in the same way the car parking in front of that building in the beast of yukka flats was coleman francis's best car-approaching scene ever
Susan: BUT I'M NOT DONE YET
Susan: NOW I'M GOING TO REMIX ALL MY GREATEST ZZT HITS INTO ONE GAME
Susan: and by "GREATEST ZZT HITS" i mean the really trashy nonsensical ones that everyone hated
Wilson: what would that accomplish
Susan: the satisfaction of a job well done, Wilson
Susan: something you'll never understand

Susan: what do you think of comics where different people speak in different colors
Wilson: i don't care about the text as long as the bubbles or font or layout isn't distracting somehow
Wilson: colors are fine
Susan: what about different FONTS for different characters?
Wilson: as long as they're appropriate and they look good
Wilson: it seems generally unnecessary, though
Wilson: it's more likely to look cheesy than really usefully accent the text
Susan: what about a different LANGUAGE for each character?
Wilson: what good could that possibly be
Susan: bilingual children become upset when relatives who normally speak one language start using another

* ppc
Susan: he has a flash talker thing in the corner of his blog, I used to have one of those on my old website
Susan: maybe I should get one for my comic
Wilson: It's kind of intimidating.
Wilson: I don't care for it.
Susan: then i could be like HI I SEE YOU'RE READING A COMIC
Susan: NEED ANY HELP?
Susan: also i could make it look like clippy was saying it

Wilson: I can't figure a way to do this, but it would be funny to get people to give suggestions without realizing they're doing it. As I said, I'm not sure how that would work. You'd almost just have to go into the street and say, "Hey sir, I was just wondering. If you were a shapeshifting robot..."
Wilson: And that would probably not work well.
Susan: probably not
Susan: i could dress as a mormon and knock on doors though
Susan: make it sound like it was going to be a metaphor for jesus
Susan: let's say you were in a garden...
Susan: that'd be a little time consuming, but it'd be a fun way to pass the time

Susan: i've invented a new art form
Hawaii: hooray!
Susan: it's called sniterature, and it's like literature except before being published, every page of a snovel is revised by a random third grader
Wilson: you've already invented that
Susan: well, i expanded it into a whole format
Susan: as an analogy to show why interactive storytelling will always be shit
Wilson: i see
Susan: "why are the stories in snovels so uniformly bad?"
Susan: "maybe the format itself just doesn't lend itself to good stories"
Susan: "bah! impossible!"

* chip's_challenge monolog
Susan: i just realized something
Susan: when chip dies, and he starts the level over, it's a clone
Susan: melinda's the one running this sick little game, after all, and we know she has clone machines
Susan: they clone blocks, they clone monsters......
Susan: and they clone chip himself
Susan: in some of hawaii's levels, you even see other clones of chip
Susan: some of them burned to a crisp, others just standing there statuelike.......
Susan: chip himself has no idea that he's a clone, i assume
Susan: he just wakes up at the start of the level, over and over again
Susan: i guess that means when a clone finishes a level, it gets knocked out and used as the template for additional clones
Susan: and when one of those clones succeeds in next level, the original is destroyed
Susan: the one part that doesn't quite fit into this model is that when you spend long enough on a level, and die enough times, melinda asks if you'd like to move on to the next one, since you're having trouble
Susan: but who is she asking?
Susan: that session's clone is already dead
Susan: so she's either asking the template, or the next clone made from it, neither of whom have played the level yet
Susan: and thus wouldn't know what she means
Wilson: melinda is pretty terrifying
Susan: you might say "just because it can clone monsters doesn't mean it can clone a person, with all their memories"
Susan: i mean, the teeth monsters are the most intelligent ones, and they're too dumb even to go around walls
Susan: but!
Susan: melinda also has teleporters
Susan: and i think it's reasonable to assume the clone machines and teleporters work on the same principle, of recording matter and reproducing it
Susan: in which case it should be no problem to copy chip exactly
Susan: my current theory is that in addition to the template, which stays knocked out, there's an ancillary chip made for each level, who melinda allows to watch with her from the control room, and that this is who she asks about skipping the level

Susan: i was in love once, actually twice, but the first one was in a dream
Susan: the second one eventually kind of evaporated, and in hindsight i was in love more with a projection of my own desires than with the person they were projected onto
Wilson: but while you were in love, was it easily the person you'd have been most attracted to? or was there ambiguity even then
Susan: it was, yes
Susan: i think of love now kind of like chicken pox, i don't expect to get it again, and i don't terribly mind having gone through it the first time, it's just a thing that happens...
Susan: which is pretty cynical, but arguably not as cynical as it could be
Wilson: i find that very depressing, for some reason
Susan: the best part about being in love is how easy it is to ignore the rest of the world
Susan: when i think back to the first time, which happened in a dream, i still do remember it as being... very powerful, though
Susan: unexpectedly so, and a perspective that is outside the realm represented in my current set
Susan: it's a very short dream, just one scene really
Susan: i was on a shuttle bus of some kind, at night
Susan: several other people on board
Susan: sitting sideways to the direction of travel
Susan: everyone was wearing gray clothing, hooded cloaks
Susan: some kind of dystopian future world perhaps, or post-apocalyptic
Susan: there was no real sense of oppression or danger though, only a minor bleakness
Susan: but it was perhaps the happiest or most content i've ever been
Susan: actually, come to think of it just the fact of being in a moving vehicle at night tends to make me feel a weird contentment
Susan: i wonder what the relationship between that, love, and that dream is

Susan: i'd probably get along with harry kim, i suppose
Susan: he's got enough depth to be randomly bitter
Susan: and you could pressure him into doing whatever
Susan: he'd be a functional sounding board at least
Susan: that's all i really look for in people, sadly.........
Wilson: except me, right?
Susan: .............yesssssssssss

* weirdness
Susan: like that scene in communion
Susan: where christopher walkin is flashing back to seeing that orange guy via hypnosis
Susan: and he says "what is that? i don't want to see that..."
Susan: just this little orange guy peeking out from behind a cabinet or something
Susan: the aliens in communion actually look very silly
Susan: but they do in real life as well
Susan: it's just what they represent that's the problem
Susan: it's the fact that they're there at all
Wilson: indeed
Susan: kristopher straub, who wrote that thing about candle cove, said his greatest fear was "seeing something he wasn't supposed to see"
Wilson: it shatters reality
Wilson: we've got this nice illusion built up, and you see something like that, and it all comes crashing down, nothing makes sense
Susan: for me, i think it's not as severe because i try to maintain a perspective where i can see the cracks in reality at all times, i have a sort of low-grade version of the feeling all along, so actually confronting the alien, while shocking, comes as more of a punchline than as something truly unexpected
Susan: it's still terrifying, but it's funny at the same time
Wilson: it seems dangerous to live like that, though
Wilson: as far as your sanity is concerned, i mean
Susan: maybe more dangerous to live the other way, in the end

Susan: it's weird how people feel the need to rate and compare the futurama movies...
Susan: i just think of them as long episodes
Wilson: well, see, i probably won't watch 3 and 4 because they don't look very good and they're each an hour and a half long and whatever
Susan: but you'd watch 4 normal length episodes of futurama with average quality similar to the movies, presumably
Wilson: well, i guess i've sat around and watched an entire block of adult swim programming
Wilson: not for years, though
Susan: it wouldn't even occur to you to ask "how good were these last four episodes?"
Susan: you'd just download the whole season and watch it
Wilson: well, but i wouldn't...
Wilson: i mean, that's not something i would do, specifically with futurama
Susan: why not
Wilson: because there's no overarcing plot and i don't have the attention span
Susan: but you'd watch it on tv, with ads and such...
Susan: you people watch TV and movies so stupidly...
Wilson: well, the last episode of futurama i watched on tv was at least over a year ago
Wilson: i don't really watch tv...
Wilson: sometimes i sit there and watch an episode of law and order, if someone else is, but that's some kind of social navelgazing activity more than anything
Susan: how can you not have the attention span to watch futurama, anyway
Susan: if you can't watch 20 minutes of robots making wisecracks and such, it's no wonder you can't watch a movie
Wilson: you said four episodes of futurama back to back
Susan: you don't have to watch them BACK TO BACK if you don't want to
Susan: you don't have to watch a movie straight through, for that matter
Susan: i generally don't
Wilson: well, see, i always do...
Susan: i've got two movies on pause right now, in fact
Wilson: it never occurred to me not to
Susan: you need to learn to multitask!
Wilson: i guess so
Susan: it's all about putting down one activity and picking up a different one without blinking
Wilson: doesn't the quality of your work suffer and your brain turn into sludge
Susan: psh

* stargate
Jennifer: rodney, samantha carter, and the mechanic girl from firefly are trapped in a pit
Jennifer: it was a secret mining colony that the roof collapsed into while they were walking over it
Jennifer: they're making a rope, while discussing who they would rather have sex with
Jennifer: rodney says he'd rather have sex with jon stewart than stephen colbert
Jennifer: this is probably not a discussion that would take place on star trek
Wilson: which one is rodney, again
Jennifer: david hewlett
Wilson: that's what i figured...
Jennifer: he lives and works in the pegasus galaxy, but he still watches the daily show apparently
Susan: you know what's particularly weird about it, is the stargate universe isn't exactly ours
Susan: they have a different president, different major world events, different government agencies
Susan: and yet...
Susan: theoretically they still have jon stewart making FUN of their fictional president
Susan: and their fictional vice president, who is an evil guy named kinsey
Jennifer: kinsey's dead now, he got taken over by a gou'ould and macguyver dumped him out an airlock
Susan: but theoretically in the stargate universe the daily show had some wacky little segment about his evil exploits, those they knew about anyway
Susan: john shepard at one point makes a joke about quail hunting, so presumably when kinsey is offscreen he does the things dick cheney does in the real world

Susan: remmeber the cat in the hat comes back?
Wilson: yes
Wilson: that book bugged me...
Wilson: but I read it because I had nothing better to do
Wilson: and maybe I savored hating the cat
Susan: why did it bug you?
Wilson: because the cat torments the kids the entire day, then cleans up everything with magic
Susan: are you sure you're not thinking of the first book?
Wilson: I might be...
Wilson: what happens in the the cat and the hat comes back
Susan: that's the one where they're shoveling snow, and the cat goes into their house and eats cake in the bathtub
Susan: and the boy is irate
Wilson: I thought he torments them the entire day in that, too
Susan: well, the boy drains the tub, and there's a ring of pink grunge left by the cat all around the tub
Wilson: yes...
Susan: so the rest of the book is spent trying to clean that up
Susan: but all the cat seems capable of doing is transfering the pink spot between different valuble items
Wilson: yes, I remember this... although I remembered him as just putting new pink rings in places entirely
Susan: eventually he has to take the hat off his head, revealing little cat A, who has a hat with an A on it, who reveals little cat B, etc.
Susan: they construct a rube goldberg bucket chain system to get the spot out of the house
Susan: but then they make snow spots, and in cleaning them up there's more and more cats and all they succeed in doing is making all the snow pink with their insane plans
Susan: eventually little cat z takes the hat off his head and releases a strange and terrible force which not only cleans up the snow, but the house as well, and does the kids' shoveling for them
Susan: and puts all the cats back in their hats
Susan: ostensibly it's an alphabet book, but peter fenzel sees it as a metaphor for the unstable nature of a technologically advanced civilization
Susan: "look close, in my hand i have little cat V. On his head are cats W, X Y and Z. Z is too small to see, so don't try, you cannot. But Z is the cat who will clean up that spot."
Wilson: how strange
Wilson: you gave me the shakes when you mentioned little cat z
Wilson: and then the quote basically terrified me

* idea
Susan: you know what'd be good?
Susan: if instead of having set times for holidays, if we just randomly had them every day with a 1 in 356 chance
Susan: so, you could get no christmas all year, or two in march and one in october
Susan: each day would be calculated six months in advance so you'd have time to plan
Susan: new years would also be random, and whenever it happened you'd start over with january
Susan: if you got to december 31st without a new years, you'd get extra months
Susan: maybe just extend the natural pattern
Wilson: no, that's a terrible idea
Susan: hendecember, dodecember, triskaidecember, tetradecember, etc.
Susan: or maybe wacky months like floopuary and smarch
Susan: but don't worry if your birthday is late in the year
Susan: because your birthday will be random too!
Wilson: this idea
Susan: your twin brother might be old enough to drink when you're still not old enough to vote!
Wilson: it sort of goes completely against the idea of a time system
Susan: well, it'd all average out
Wilson: no, I don't think it would
Susan: one thing you could do about the months is just randomize them as well
Susan: also the days of the week
Susan: you'd still get 2/7ths of weekend on average
Wilson: it'd be too hard to memorize a new week every week
Susan: you'd get used to it.....
Susan: people'd learn to treat it like the weather
Susan: things should only be picked as far ahead as they need to be, i think
Susan: so, day of the week would get picked only about a week in advance
Susan: christmas would get picked months in advance
Susan: birthdays, two weeks
Susan: AND THEN WE'LL RANDOMIZE NIGHT AND DAY, SUMMER AND WINTER AND SPRING AND FALL...

Susan: i think it's unlikely dolphins would become intelligent
Wilson: why
Susan: we get language abilities from brain centers that operate hands, which are of value to us because we live on a surface
Susan: and surfaces have all the stuff on them
Susan: dolphins can just swim through open water, they don't have to deal with stuff
Wilson: that makes sense
Susan: i don't know though
Susan: pigs are pretty smart
Susan: but nobody wants to see pigs in suits and ties
Wilson: yeah
Susan: that'd just seem like a political cartoon
Wilson: you just like to hear yourself talk!
Susan: or that book PERFECT PIGS which was a guide to etiquette
Susan: consisting mainly of examples of people doing things wrong
Susan: the whole civilization was pigs
Susan: there was a similar book by the same author, called
Susan: well, i forget the title, but it was a safety book starring dinosaurs seriously injuring themselves
Susan: dinosaurs was a clever choice
Susan: (because they went extinct, get it?)
Wilson: yeah, i get it
Susan: really the odd thing is the continuity of the series
Susan: etiquette and safety are on entirely different moral tiers
Susan: actually looking back from an internet perspective, the injured dinosaur book seems almost fetishistic
Susan: the way the artist really laboured over and exaggerated the injuries
Susan: if a dinosaur was injuring their neck, for instance, it'd be a dinosaur with a really long neck

Susan: i got four things
Susan: so that's four items checked off my list
Wilson: that's productive enough, i guess..
Susan: assuming my list included HOME ALONE: THE BOARD GAME, HOME ALONE 2: THE BOARD GAME, THE BEST OF ROGER WHITTAKER on audio cassette, and the motion picture soundtrack of DUMB AND DUMBER
Susan: ... on audio cassette...
Wilson: i take back everything i said about productivity!
Wilson: man, where did you stop, the worst garage sale ever?
Susan: i'll probably give emily HOME ALONE "THE GAME"
Susan: and give her home alone 2 next year
Susan: what are you going to get YOUR sister
Wilson: a gift certificate redeemable for a hug
Susan: that's pretty cheesy, Wilson!
Wilson: i'll make it in photoshop and email it to her...
Susan: you should photoshop mcauly caulkin's head onto her body and email that to her
Wilson: maybe...
Susan: do you have any pictures of her
Wilson: yyyyynnnot here
Hawaii: remember when they made that evil head of roger whittaker to control roger whittaker with?
Wilson: no
Hawaii: they controlled roger whittaker
Hawaii: they said "WE CONTROL ROGER WHITTAKER!"
Hawaii: and they did, they controlled him!

Susan: what would you say is my fundamental nature?
Wilson: deceit
Wilson: or guile
Wilson: guile, actually

Wilson: What bothers me is, nobody on the web is really treated like a professional. I mean, if you are a web-celebrity, you are more of an ascended hobbyist than a professional, you know?
Susan: yeah
Wilson: Even if you make tons of money.
Susan: it seems MESSY, is the word i'd use
Susan: leaky
Susan: i guess the truth is, the whole idea of the professional or the celebrity or the very important person was always an illusion
Susan: it's just a mask, and there's always a person behind the mask
Susan: unless they're nuts, like charles manson or something
Susan: he was the genuine article...
Susan: but in general, the difference with the internet is just that we SEE the people, not that they're any different
Susan: just like we see the violence in the world, but it's not any more violent, or we see that things are missing citations on wikipedia, but the information isn't any sketchier
Susan: it's just that we're waking up to all the world's flaws we were blind to before
Wilson: Man, that is true.

Susan: HOW TO MEET ALIENS
Susan: apparently i'm the first person to ever check this out
Susan: AUG 11 2008
Susan: Have you ever looked up at the night sky and wondered "Are there aliens out there?" It's a big question, one of the biggest people have ever asked. Most scientists think the answer is no, but what if other creatures are wondering the exact same thing on a different planet billions of miles away from earth? It's a mind-blowing possibility.
Wilson: i'm pretty sure most scientists actually tend to say "yeah, maybe"
Wilson: or some permutation of that
Susan: Chapter One
Susan: THE VERY IDEA
Susan: By the Sphinx's left eye, i'm flying!
Susan: this book skips around a lot
Susan: from alexander the great's flying shields to HOW TO MAKE AN ECLIPSE WITH JUST A FLASHLIGHT AND TWO HOUSEHOLD FRUITS
Susan: plus, wacky cartoons
Susan: ALIEN ALERT 3: BALLS AND CROSSES
Susan: wacky frenchman: "i think the crosses will win!"
Susan: Want to see for yourself how information can get changed and exaggerated? Try out the following simple activity.
Susan: Get Ready To Meet Aliens
Susan: TRY OUT A FAMOUS ESP EXPERIMENT
Susan: CONSPIRACIES
Susan: Have you ever suspected that someone was keeping something from you?
Wilson: no, but i suspect people are making stuff up all the time
Susan: oh, this is interesting
Susan: did you know area 51 has tennis courts?
Susan: WHAT HAPPENS?
Susan: You have made yourself a head of a gray. Place it in your window and scare your friends.
Susan: Many people say they've encountered real life Men in Black, and they're nowhere near as friendly.
Susan: because they are MAINSTREAM, baby!
Susan: Get Ready To Meet Aliens
Susan: MAKE YOUR OWN PULSAR
Susan: hey, they can't be tellin kids how to make their own pulsar! they'll destroy us all!
Susan: well, this book was a ripoff
Susan: it doesn't tell you how to meet aliens

Susan: i'm not going to send gumbies to your house or anything
Wilson: if a gumby ever showed up at my house, would I honestly think anyone else in the entire world was responsible for it?

* 9/11
Wilson: it's obsessive behavior, or at least marks the beginning of obsessive behavior
Wilson: things like that have a tendency to completely take over a person's life
Susan: i think you're confusing cause and effect, there are certainly disorders which cause people to develop conspiracy theories, but i don't think the reverse is true
Wilson: there's no denying that most prominent conspiracy theorists are more or less insane, though
Wilson: it's all anecdotal, but you look at someone like bobby fischer and it's clear that something went wrong along the way
Wilson: but then he probably had a host of problems prior to going insane
Susan: i'd say with fischer it was chess -> insanity -> conspiracy theories
Susan: but insanity and being good at chess could both be a product of his natural unusual mental state
Susan: a lot of grandmasters go insane
Susan: famous mathematicians, etc.
Susan: it's not clear to me whether that's from pushing their minds too far, or just an intrensic risk that's genetically correlated with certain branches of intelligence
Delta: What I find contentious isn't the idea that conspiracy theorizing can lead to madness, it's that you would deem that an unreasonable risk in the pursuit of truth.
Delta: I think the secret workings of the world must be illuminated at all costs.
Wilson: well, i agree
Wilson: i think it's mostly just personal concern, though

* lesswrong
Susan: what was the moral of that story, again?
Wilson: in the future, rape and murder are ok
Susan: i think it was just rape
Susan: and presumably, assault in general, since rape includes assault?
Wilson: they had to sacrifice hundreds of millions to save humanity from being turned into blobs
Wilson: because it's bad to give up your humanity, for reasons vaguely gestured at, even at the cost of losing powerful alien allies in a universe where it seems you would really need them
Susan: but the ship has a 4chan, so he's hip and on the cutting edge
Susan: he's been linking to webcomics a lot recently, and all of them are awful
Wilson: what kind
Susan: badly drawn people killing orcs and crying about it, or i don't know
Susan: really dreadful stuff you've never heard of
Wilson: hmm
Wilson: why
Susan: because he has terrible, terrible taste.
Wilson: i see...
Susan: he sure likes some shitty anime as well
Wilson: like what
Susan: i don't know, like catgirl stuff and magical harem anime........ uh.......
Susan: i remember he had a belldandy buddy icon at one point, on aim
Wilson: it seems a tall order to fit that into the same person who wrote levels of organization in general intelligence

Wilson: How was The Phantom Tollbooth?
Susan: the premise was awkward, the metaphors were tangled, the musical numbers were quite bad
Susan: however, there is something to be said for the attempt
Wilson: I hardly remember the book at all, except the part about eating letters.
Wilson: And a general sense of moroseness.
Susan: children's books are often morose...
Wilson: You might like "Moominvalley in November"
Wilson: That's a morose children's book.
Susan: i always remember liking the final confrontation, though, in the phantom tollbooth, when all the demons of ignorance have formed into a big monster representing malice and cruelty and hate and whatever words they could slap onto it, and milo throws his pencil which similarly goes through a series of editorial cartoon labels
Susan: finally ending up not with "love" but with "truth"
Wilson: Yes!
Susan: the thing is, the premise is supposed to be that the kingdom of knowledge has been all mixed up due to petty disputes and rhyme and reason have been exiled and so nothing makes sense and it's all going down the tubes
Susan: but in reality, it's just ruled by a lot of cheesy wordplay, and milo's quest does little to change that
Susan: one part i totally forgot was that it starts out live action
Susan: the first shot is of a cityscape, with lot of obnoxious city noise, and you slowly focus in on a large elementary school, and once you get near the noise changes to a bunch of teachers all talking at once
Susan: "colombus first discovered america in" "now carry the three!" "the judge pronounced him guilty. GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY!" "the fibbonachi sequence..."
Wilson: Whoa
Susan: milo is just staring vacantly as this washes over him
Susan: then he walks home to his house, ignoring all the interesting things in the world, as the 60s credits music explains the premise
Susan: in grating detail...
Susan: once he gets there, his friend ralph calls him and they discuss how nothing is fun anymore and they should form a suicide pact
Susan: milo speaks disparagingly of the concepts taught them in school, particularly "carry the three" and "february"
Susan: and by the end he's supposed to buy into it all, but the hilarious part is that neither milo nor the writers seem to have the slightest grip on what milo is rejecting or accepting
Susan: their conception of knowledge is so incoherent as to be meaningless

* flying_head weirdness lie
Susan: i just had a very interesting conversation with my mother
Susan: how interesting, you ask?
Wilson: very?
Susan: it's so interesting that i would be very surprised if anyone but me believed it
Susan: see, i'm staying at her house overnight, one night a week
Susan: she has a pinched nerve in her spine or something and is on a bunch of drugs, and all her friends are taking turns keeping her company and making her jello and such
Susan: the doctors say she needs an MRI, but meanwhile 80% of the time they're just going to tell you to remain horizontal for two months anyway
Susan: so she's been talking to me a lot, and in her weakened state, with all the drugs and whatnot, she's been telling me things she otherwise never would
Susan: sometimes she forgets what she's already said
Susan: anyway, you need some backstory for this...
Susan: you know my little sister?
Wilson: no
Susan: emily?
Wilson: oh
Susan: as a child, she was afraid of everything, or at least, a whole host of things
Susan: she had recurring nightmares about a T-rex looking in the skylight of our bedroom, she wouldn't go to subway resturants cos she thought they were real subway entrances and she saw a movie where a volcano filled the subways with lava, etc.
Susan: she had a lot of fears, and she was afraid of the dark perhaps most of all
Susan: anyway, one of the things she was really afraid of was floating heads
Susan: which started when my father, who rarely if ever talked about his dreams, mentioned having a disturbing dream about a floating head
Susan: he seemed to be in a bad mood, and a rather odd one, which makes sense now that i know what was really going on
Susan: anyway, he didn't elaborate, but emily started to worry about floating heads all over the place
Susan: WELL
Susan: we were talking about the old house, and something about it being dark, and i mentioned the emily/head thing, and my mother said something, which i cannot now recall, just a one or two word off-handed comment about my father's floating head dream that didn't make sense
Susan: and i pressed further
Susan: and she went into this weird state, very serious and seemingly very lucid, wheras before she had been kind of wandering in her speech
Susan: and she told me that what my father had seen, the floating head, wasn't a dream
Susan: that she had seen it too
Susan: and they agreed not to talk about it
Wilson: i see!
Susan: and i inquired further of course, and it came out that back when we lived at that house, this thing had floated into the master bedroom one night, and they both saw it
Susan: she was in no shape to draw it, but given her further descriptions i wouldn't really call it a floating head at all
Susan: it was more like a giant cuttlefish
Susan: with long tentacles hanging down, and a very long ribbed snout that came down and forward, and ended in a bunch of real long tendrils
Susan: it was wide enough that it practically filled the hallway
Susan: what she had never told anyone, even my father, was that it talked to her in her head
Susan: they're divorced now by the way
Susan: it came within five or ten feet of her, and said basically that it was here to take her away
Susan: and she thought "but i have two girls"
Susan: emily was sleeping in my parents' bed at the time, as she often did at that point, apparently she slept through this entire thing
Susan: and here, apparently, my parents' recollection of the events diverge, my mother remembers the "head" moving forward, and with its tendrils pulling the covers off emily and moving her legs with them so she was lying on the edge of the bed
Susan: when she began to describe this to my father though that morning, she said he gave her a weird look and she stopped, because it appeared he hadn't seen this
Susan: anyway the cuttlefish thought to her "a trade, then" and it was obvious it meant to take emily and give her something in return
Susan: and she had a vision, as though the cuttlefish was projecting it into her mind, she saw the cuttlefish come into our room and wake up emily and take her through a door that wasn't there, and guide her through another door or two in parts of dark houses that weren't ours, and the last door was going to lead back to where it came from, which it told emily (in the vision) was called "worzac" or something like that
Susan: emily seemed to be mostly in a trance in this vision, as did my parents at the time the event transpired
Susan: anyway, my mother thought "NO" very loudly of course
Susan: her memory of what happened ends there, she doesn't remember the creature leaving, and neither does my father apparently, because they didn't talk about it until they woke up the next morning
Susan: so, do you believe me?
Wilson: i think so
Wilson: it seems really improbable, but not impossible
Susan: interesting
Wilson: but it doesn't sound like you're lying
Wilson: and people don't just make things up like that, especially in a state like that
Susan: and certainly my mother doesn't
Wilson: right
Wilson: my question is, why her, why your family
Wilson: but then, why not
Susan: maybe this sort of thing happens all the time and nobody talks about it
Wilson: yeah i considered that too
Wilson: i would have to tell at least someone, but most people wouldn't believe me
Susan: i imagine she only told me because i'm a wacky UFO investigator
Wilson: with a THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE hat
Susan: whenever you read a report that says "the witness, who asked not to be named..." you imagine some crazy paranoid person living in a trailer park
Susan: but maybe sometimes those witnesses who asked not to be named are people you know
Susan: i wonder if i should tell emily
Susan: she's grown up enough not to be given nightmares by it, but i doubt she'd believe me
Susan: she'd probably just be like "why are you telling me this lie"
Susan: then again, i'd like to know if she has anything to add to the story...
Susan: maybe i'll ask her about it without telling her why

* eidophusikon
Wilson: where... did... you... get... this... book...
Susan: delta sent it to me.
Wilson: did he write it?
susan. maybe. i don't know.

* eidophusikon
Susan: you don't remember medusa?
Wilson: nnno
      "Are you, a man, of, much, character?" Medusa said through a long yawn. 
      "I am Logan Lope de Vega.  I am passing through your city. Will you allow me to leave here peacefully?"
      No response.  Logan peeked from around the rock in deliberate opposition to his better judgment.  He saw the sleeping queen for a moment, had time to reflect in a superficial way that she was too young and beautiful and shiny and snakeless to be named Medusa.  Her feet were bare and tiny, his mind raced to the ancient practice of foot-binding, and Logan suddenly understood the only faintly pedophilic appeal of a small and delicate foot.  Her skin was gray, her hair long, her eyes small and closed, and she looked like a toy in the ridiculous, ornamented throne that held her.  He knew she was not the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, but he was startled to find so much beauty in so strange a place.  Izzyal processes reminded him, for the first time since he entered the lab, that he was, in fact, alive and male.  All this, within a moment, less than a breath.  He was on the borders of lustful infatuation.  His mind was racing still, and as he began unconsciously to construct a model of gratifying future events, she threw a knife through his right hand.
      If he had been wearing the claw on his right hand, the knife may well have been deflected.  Instead, it passed through his hand, clipped his bicep, and sank into the brick walls of the palace.  There were hundreds of identical knives filling the holes that spotted the walls. 
      The wound was graceful and clean, and Logan was surprised at how little it hurt.  He took a moment to reflect on that, and then jumped back behind the rock before the next knife could hit him.  He heard it cut the bricks.
      Now I am one-handed, he thought.  With some difficulty, and many uncomfortable threads sliding between his teeth, he ripped off his right sleeve and bound his injured hand.  There wasn't much blood.
      Chad was right, Logan thought.  Her name did not prepare me. 
10
      On the other hand, saying, "Watch out for Medusa, she can throw knives really fast," would have been immensely helpful.  People often underestimate the potential power of verbal clarity.  And/or, they simply prefer being obtuse and mysterious for selfish, aesthetic purposes.  Dishonesty does not always manifest itself in lies.
Susan: now do you remember?
Wilson: yes
Susan: you've never read that part before in your life
Susan: it's not in your copy
Wilson: hmm, you're right
Wilson: i just assumed i'd read it

Susan: Ever have a conversation go so badly, the person called DHS and told them you were a terrorist?
Wilson: I have not had that happen.
Wilson: Should I be severing all ties to you now?
Susan: Well, they're probably not ACTUALLY calling DHS
Susan: they're just threatening to
Susan: oh, they said they did it!
Susan: apparently "seperete agencys" are currently investigating me
Wilson: That seems unlikely.
Susan: not really, but it seems unlikely this idiot would ever be told they were
Susan: it all started with one of my various fake okcupid profiles
20/M/Straight
0% match / 89% enemy
[5:44:06 am]Josh: hey 
[5:44:15 am]Josh: im josh. wanna chat? 
[5:46:54 am]Mallory: Hi, I'm Mallory.
[5:47:10 am]Josh: hey 
[5:47:11 am]Josh:  
[5:47:29 am]Josh: how are you doing mallory? 
[5:47:46 am]Mallory: Fine. Yourself?
[5:49:46 am]Josh: i think this messanger is somthing i cant see my messan ger?
[5:50:05 am]Mallory: What does that even mean?
[5:50:34 am]Josh: wow thats not what i typed...
[5:51:08 am]Josh: trying to say that this messanger is broken because i cant see what im typing
[5:51:15 am]Josh: lol
[5:51:26 am]Josh: do you have yahoo messanger?
[5:51:31 am]Mallory: No.
[5:52:53 am]Josh: anyway... im doing fine 
[5:53:01 am]Josh: i think its working now 
[5:53:16 am]Josh: yeah its working 
[5:54:08 am]Josh: so whats up? 
[5:54:36 am]Mallory: Not a lot.
[5:55:31 am]Josh: what you doing up so late? 
[5:56:08 am]Mallory: Just cleaning up some files.
[5:56:22 am]Josh: sweet 
[5:56:36 am]Josh: i use CCleaner it works pritty good 
[5:57:40 am]Mallory: You realize we are a 0% match, right?
[5:58:21 am]Josh: you realize that the matching system is flawed right 
[5:58:33 am]Mallory: How so?
[5:58:50 am]Josh: 0% means that it hasent generated a match at all 
[5:59:13 am]Mallory: Then why does it say 89% enemy?
[5:59:46 am]Josh: its not the same script for enemy 
[6:00:38 am]Josh: you actually think that the matching system is accurate? 
[6:01:17 am]Josh: its not 
[6:01:30 am]Mallory: It depends on how you use it. The only questions I answered were ones that I feel separate out the type of people I'm looking for.
[6:02:15 am]Josh: well ive answared 159 of the questions 
[6:03:11 am]Mallory: We've only answered 9 of the same questions, however, and it appears we answered them all differently.
[6:05:07 am]Mallory: But if you are interested in participating in the bay area operations, it doesn't matter to me what your match percentage is.
[6:05:17 am]Josh: whats that? 
[6:05:40 am]Mallory: At the moment, I need someone with a santa clara address to receive messages in the mail and notify me as to their contents.
[6:06:00 am]Josh: why for? 
[6:07:39 am]Josh: ? 
[6:07:51 am]Mallory: You would be acting as a verifier that other agents correctly perform their tasks.
[6:08:22 am]Josh: hmm sounds interesting 
[6:09:22 am]Josh: what do the agents do? 
[6:10:03 am]Mallory: The agents you'd be associated with deliver messages.
[6:10:53 am]Josh: to whom 
[6:11:26 am]Mallory: A variety of parties. I cannot be more specific.
[6:11:46 am]Josh: sounds illigal 
[6:13:05 am]Mallory: Is that something you have a problem with?
[6:13:16 am]Mallory: Many of my screening questions concern this topic.
[6:13:35 am]Josh: haha 
[6:14:20 am]Josh: is what somthing i have a problem with? 
[6:14:35 am]Mallory: Illegal activities.
[6:14:43 am]Josh: depends 
[6:15:09 am]Mallory: On?
[6:15:18 am]Josh: what law is broken 
[6:15:46 am]Josh: not all the laws are right but some are 
[6:15:57 am]Mallory: What are some laws you don't mind breaking?
[6:16:22 am]Josh: marijuana laws are the only ones im fimiliar with 
[6:17:14 am]Josh: tell me what law and ill judge on weather or not its a good one or not 
[6:17:31 am]Josh: im very fimilar with lawmaking so 
[6:17:43 am]Josh: i know that alot of laws are corrupt 
[6:18:42 am]Josh: so which law is broken? 
[6:19:09 am]Mallory: Agents receive very limited information regarding the operations they participate in. In many cases I cannot inform you as to whether laws are being broken at all.
[6:19:56 am]Josh: whats the soul purpose of your orginization? 
[6:20:42 am]Mallory: I am not affiliated with any organization. I am simply a coordinator.
[6:22:04 am]Josh: whats the soul purpose of the things you coordinate? 
[6:22:46 am]Mallory: Each operation has its own purpose.
[6:22:56 am]Josh: such as? 
[6:23:50 am]Mallory: I cannot be more specific.
[6:24:30 am]Josh: is it good o r evil?
[6:24:59 am]Mallory: I cannot be more specific.
[6:25:20 am]Josh: are your a terrorist? 
[6:25:35 am]Mallory: No.
[6:25:39 am]Josh: sounds like it 
[6:25:42 am]Josh: serously 
[6:25:48 am]Josh: and im pissed 
[6:25:57 am]Josh: i hate fucking terrorists 
[6:26:39 am]Josh: i sould contact DHS 
[6:26:59 am]Josh: tell me whats going on or ill report you 
[6:27:14 am]Josh: to the department of homeland security 
[6:29:41 am]Josh: fuck that shit your done... i dont support terrorists and i am calling DHS 
[6:31:48 am]Josh: or what ever you are doing its is evil so if you dont want me to say anything you better speak up 
[6:32:56 am]Josh: seperete agencys are currently investigating you.... and i have been told to stop chatting with you GOODBYE
Wilson: Bay Area Operations.
Susan: i like to think he did call DHS
Wilson: I think most people would be too lazy to make that phone call.
Susan: a lazy bay area pothead?!
Wilson: i'd say the matching system was working extremely well, there
Wilson: that guy really is 89% your enemy.
Wilson: The Federal government accounts for the other 11%.
Jennifer: you should go to his house and stick a bomb in it
Wilson: LA LA LA NOT LISTENING

Wilson: right now I'm just trying to pick out a typeface to match this other typeface
Susan: see, you don't need to do that
Wilson: yeah I do
Wilson: it has to go in the design brief
Susan: so just pick one
Wilson: well it has to LOOK GOOD, susan!!
Susan: no, it doesn't!
Susan: you just have to follow the instructions
Susan: that's 75% of your grade, and 75% is all you need
Wilson: the thing is, i think the reason i get good grades is because I try hard because I don't want to disappoint my professors
Susan: well, suit yourself...
Wilson: I appreciate your good advice.
Susan: i don't think i ever even did any homework except at school at the last minute
Susan: but then, you've gone into a pretty homework-heavy area
Susan: mine was mostly tests
Wilson: even if it was like, write a ten page research paper on a blhalb hal?
Susan: yeah, that sort of thing
Susan: usually papers
Susan: i'd go to the computer lab and type seven or eight pages that vaguely made sense and make the margins big and get a B-
Wilson: i wonder how many people do it that way
Susan: well, i don't know...
Susan: i didn't see anybody else doing that
Wilson: the computer labs get really packed around midterms and finals at my school
Susan: a lot of people plan and a lot of people do a crappy job, but few people plan to do a crappy job
Wilson: profound
Susan: what you want to do is identify the thin skeleton of the project you're actually graded on, and only do that
Susan: the further you get from technical stuff the easier it is to bullshit your way through
Susan: one assignment was to pick a famous artist and make a picture in their style
Susan: i chose jackson pollock, scribbled in ms paint with the diagonal brush for ten seconds, printed it out and made sure to put my name on it
Susan: i believe it got an A
Susan: there's no analog for that in a physics class
Wilson: no, but the further you get in an art program the harder it is to get away with that kind of shit
Susan: unless you actually BECOME a famous artist
Susan: then it's super easy again
Wilson: yeah, but doing that is next to impossible
Susan: another thing i remember was we had to draw a still life, and the teacher made it EXPLICITLY CLEAR that we were to vaguely vaguely sketch out the overall scene before we started, to get the placement of the objects right
Susan: the other kids tried SO HARD to make their pictures look good, but they didn't follow instructions, and so they all got yelled at
Susan: the third and probably the only other thing i remember from the class is that we had one assignment where we had to create a tiling background and print out a sheet of it
Susan: i used ms paint, as usual, and everybody else used photoshop. taking a tile and copying it a bunch of times in ms paint is very simple, you just ctrl-drag it to the new spots.
Susan: in photoshop, there's all this shit with layers and selections and it must've taken them about ten times as long
Wilson: well, learning curve
Wilson: when you get used to using photoshop it can go very fast
Susan: not for simple things.
Wilson: I think there's a key sequence to repeat the last thing done
Wilson: and you can hold down a key while you click on something to copy it automatically
Wilson: so you just, hold down alt or option or whatever and click and drag, then hit ctrl+d or whatever the sequence is to repeat it and it'll automatically move it over as many times as you want
Wilson: then ctrl+e merges the top layer with the layer underneath it, so you do that a few times, select all the tiles again, alt+click+drag, ctrl+d repeatedly
Wilson: when you're just learning the program though this is impossible to figure out
Susan: assuming your canvas is the right size...
Susan: in ms paint you just grab the corner and resize it
Susan: i remember once using a thousand dollar painting program that didn't have an oval tool
Susan: i presume photoshop has one, but it's missing a lot of that general kind of thing
Susan: photoshop anti-aliases everything
Wilson: you can tell it not to
Susan: besides, by the time photoshop loads and you can start configuring it, i'm already done with the project

Susan: you know, francine is easily the best character on american dad
Wilson: how do you figure?
Susan: her template is the snarky nagging sitcom wife, but she breaks away from it pretty far in the average episode. she's often weirdly upbeat and kind of nuts
Susan: she occasionally counterbalances stan's insanity, but more often she just drags it sideways or even intensifies it
Susan: i can't think of a better sitcom wife off the top of my head, granted they tend to be awful
Wilson: yeah

Susan: alison goldfrapp bought me a circus waffle
Wilson: my dream involved us discussing "old dogs"
Susan: there was a surreal military exercise, too
Susan: a bunch of fighter jets hovering around, changing configurations, very near the highway we were on
Susan: shooting missiles at drones
Susan: no explosions, though
Susan: when the missile caught up with a drone, both would just stop in mid-air and then fall away

Susan: you were eating lunch in some kind of big cafeteria, and i was harassing you by hacking into the brains of people nearby and taking them over like puppets
Susan: i had to know their google account name, though........
Wilson: what happened
Susan: not much, i just had one poke you and you were like STOP IT

Susan: i have to find ways to distract myself, because i'm not allowed to eat food until monday
Susan: monday after next
Wilson: why not?
Susan: i'm testing to see if i have wheat allergies
Wilson: why
Susan: andy dick told me that i do, and that it's stopping me from metabolizing tryptophan into 5-hydroxy tryptophan and then into melatonin and serotonin, and that's why i'm always tired and depressed and so on
Susan: also he put ultrasound gel in my hair and told me to always walk like someone from a 70s sitcom
Susan: but I'M SKEPTICAL THAT DRUGS REALLY ALLOW YOU TO SEE THESE ELVES
Susan: all i see is a tiny andy dick in a train conductor's uniform

Susan: this is my fifth meal of the day
Susan: and my fourth 100% tortallini meal
Wilson: what percentage of your meals are tortallini
Susan: it depends on what time period you're asking about
Susan: today it's 80%
Wilson: in the past month
Susan: starting april 1st?
Susan: or march 20th?
Wilson: do you keep track of everything you eat in a giant excel file
Susan: yes
Wilson: okay then, starting from march 20th
Susan: 11.8%
Susan: depending on what you count as a meal

Susan: ok, here's my idea
Susan: a character named jar
Susan: he's half a jar-jar
Susan: in every way
Wilson: he only finds himself half-slipping in bantha poodoo
Susan: right
Susan: there's also jar-jar-jar, half again a jar-jar

Susan: you know what'd i'd like to see?
Wilson: what
Susan: a film with the frames rearranged in order of brightness
Wilson: that IS something you'd like to see...


Susan: superman was coming to the school for halloween so they set up a path of balloons and streamers for him to follow around
Susan: but he never showed up
Susan: i was the leader of a team of detectives trying to figure out why
Susan: there was some sort of sinister superman imposter in a car somewhere
Susan: a teacher wouldn't talk to us
Susan: in the end we discovered the other four members of the team were each being tailed by unrelated hitmen from their respective countries
Susan: i didn't have a hitman, and i felt a bit disappointed
Susan: the end
Wilson: good dream
Susan: at least i got some halloween candy
Susan: the dream inherited a sort of surreal, sinister, but mainly mysterious atmosphere from the previous dream, which i've now forgotten except that there was a field up in the hills during sunset, and perhaps a UFO

Wilson: well, i'd probably just go...
Wilson: a review would be handy, plus i could skip through piles of classes...
Wilson: take better ones...
Susan: would you do things differently? would you vow to be a cool kid who wears sunglasses and a backwards baseball cap and rides a skateboard?
Wilson: i'd behave differently, but i still wouldn't be cool
Susan: would you have a wacky sidekick?
Wilson: no.
Susan: would you try to woo the bully's girlfriend?
Wilson: no.
Susan: why not
Susan: chicken?
Wilson: i'm not... romantically... motivated...
Susan: you're not motivated at all
Wilson: hey now, i just made a dynamically updated rss feed for my weblog
Wilson: that has to count for something......
Susan: the correct answer is because she's 12, and that would make you a time criminal.
Wilson: good point
Susan: ok, what if you became asian?
Wilson: same thing!
Susan: are you saying asians are like 12 year olds?
Wilson: no, same thing as if i became black
Wilson: blast you.....
Susan: i was going to use the "that's racist" image macro, but i don't have it. so here's this.
Susan: what if you became a car?
Wilson: i'd start worrying a lot more about the price of gas, Ha Ha
Susan: what if you became a sassy black woman?
Wilson: i'd probably have a nervous breakdown and not leave my room
Susan: sassy people don't have breakdowns, they just do that finger snapping thing
Susan: what if you became a priest?
Susan: this one's a little different
Susan: you're not physically OR mentally changed, but you have a job as a priest and everybody thinks you're a priest
Susan: would you stick with it?
Wilson: so i somehow now have all prerequisite knowledge to complete my priestly duties?
Susan: no, you have no memory of being a priest at all
Wilson: i'd tell them i've renounced my faith
Susan: being a priest is the best job ever, though
Susan: you get paid to rant about whatever crosses your mind
Wilson: i'd still need to do it entertainingly
Wilson: i can't publicly speak, it would be absolutely impossible
Hawaii: you could wear a tiki mask
Wilson: no i couldn't! you're crazy!

Susan: "but we can look and see all the little details" you might say
Susan: "we can smell the fragrance of a rose"
Susan: but your hypothetical self i made up for this example said the same thing
Susan: and he's clearly fictional, now isn't he?
Wilson: i can't visualize this at all
Susan: it's easy
Susan: just imagine a director saying cut and the lights coming up and the actor who plays you getting up and going to craft services to eat a ham sandwich
Wilson: thanks
---
Wilson: by "thanks" i meant "you totally creeped me out, i think i'm going to throw up"
Susan: i find the idea that i'm in a fictional work comforting, actually
Susan: because it means there's at least one other person who thinks like me
Wilson: the writer.
Susan: right.

Susan: so, do you believe me?
Wilson: I feel the same way I always feel when you say something implausible
Susan: which is what
Wilson: which is, I can't weigh it
Wilson: I've lost track of you
Wilson: I never had you, for that matter
Wilson: so it's trivia, it's like air
Wilson: it could be perfectly true, it could be sort of true, it could be based on a true story with pieces from a movie I've never seen mixed in
Wilson: it could be a very accurate recollection of a dream you had
Wilson: it could be something someone else told to you
Wilson: I thought it was a good story and I have no idea
Wilson: that seems wrong, though
Wilson: I'd say I believed you were in a german airport, basically
Wilson: and I'd say I believed you, basically, when you said you actually weren't in a german airport, you'd just made that up
Wilson: but if I had really believed you in either case, it feels like there should have been some surprise when you contradicted it later
Wilson: surprise, or concern, or anything
Wilson: but there never is
Wilson: it's more like you just spit out scenarios and I play along
Wilson: and whether or not they're true is immaterial
Susan: it seems different to me though, cos it's quite possible to be at the airport in frankfurt
Susan: millions of people go through there every day
Susan: and it's also quite easy to lie about being in the airport at frankfurt, if you've been there before, or any airport really
Susan: so it's not surprising either way
Susan: but something like this is different
Susan: if you think i'm really so good at lying, or concocting lies from scraps of stories and what have you, shouldn't your expectation be that this is a lie?
Susan: a priori, a magical floating giant cuttlefish trying to take my sister to another dimension seems downright idiotic, doesn't it?
Wilson: but it wasn't a story about that, it was a story about your mom saying that
Wilson: the point is that overall, none of it has more or less weight than whether you just ate a bagel in an office or you were in a big airport or you wear a green hat
Susan: but all of those things are plausible to begin with
Susan: do you think it's at all likely that i'm telling the truth but my mom was lying?
Wilson: well, how old is she
Susan: 43
Wilson: you say lying, but I'd say she could have a poor memory of the situation, she could be combining it with some other memory, or who knows what
Wilson: but that didn't really occur to me
Wilson: even regardless, your mom telling a story about a ghost she and her husband saw isn't that unlikely
Wilson: from your own research you understand all kinds of people see ghosts
Susan: but do you believe that, either?
Wilson: that they see ghosts?
Susan: and aliens, clowns, etc.
Susan: this read to me more like an alien than a ghost
Wilson: ok
Susan: it was alien shaped and not glowy or transparent
Wilson: wellllll
Wilson: I'm not going to guess at the images that hit their eyeballs and how they were interpreted in the contemporaneous milliseconds, and how the facts of that instance contrast with how they remember it later, and later, and later
Wilson: so when someone sees a ghost, they saw a ghost
Susan: this wasn't just a lucid dream or a night terror, both my parents saw this and it had enough of an emotional effect on them that it spilled over to emily even though they didn't talk about it
Wilson: ok
Wilson: I mean, what are you getting at
Susan: what i'm getting at is this is one of the many cases that can only really be explained as a real visitation or a lie
Wilson: I see
Wilson: it's not hard to make up a case that can only really be explained as a real visitation or a lie
Susan: right
Susan: in that case, it's a lie
Susan: the question is, which do you think this was?
Wilson: I'd put money on it being a lie, but only a little bit
Susan: well, that's a reasonable position, i guess?
Susan: somehow i feel disappointed, i have a desire for people to flat out not believe this story
Susan: if i don't get my comeupence for crying wolf all the time, how can i begin my magical journey where i learn the true meaning of honesty?

Susan: i don't understand the point of moving it to a new galaxy
Wilson: no, neither do I
Susan: is it so that the new one can be crawling with aliens?
Wilson: that's what I assumed
Susan: here's a different idea
Susan: there's some alien entity which controls the whole galaxy
Susan: it doesn't interfere with or even reveal its presence to other races until they achieve real spaceflight
Susan: at which point it freezes them
Susan: maybe literally with some kind of big stasis bubble, or maybe in a much more complex but plausable way
Susan: and so the galaxy is littered with these frozen alien civilizations, all on the verge of leaving their planets
Susan: and then something happens to this original spooky alien race that froze everybody, and all the people they froze wake up

Delta: my advice to most people would be............ well, i wouldn't really have any advice for most people, because nothing they do seems to matter
Delta: they're barely people at all, just statistics
Delta: the guy at the gas station is just a collection of numbers.....
Delta: -1 bag of potato chips, +2.99 to the register
Delta: so, should he risk his sanity in the vain hope of figuring out the mysteries of creation?
Delta: i don't see that it matters either way........
Delta: he should probably still try, he might at least file a report
Delta: just more numbers, really, but numbers that matter more
Wilson: well, it doesn't sit well with you that susan wouldn't
Delta: susan's smarter than most people
Wilson: it's funny that most people would try to attribute their values as desirable to the whole of humanity without a second thought
Wilson: and it just comes down to inherently thinking people are all the same

Delta: zodiac was a great movie
Wilson: hmm
Wilson: i wouldn't have expected you to like it that much
Delta: the way the case unfolds into so many crazy dead ends, the difficulty in weighing the evidence, in knowing where to look is a property of real world investigations into deliberately deceptive events which is rarely captured in fiction

Wilson: do you think the family killed nicholas
Delta: i don't know
Delta: the point is, there's all these weird things that go on under the surface of the world, which never get uncovered because people simply don't care enough to do the research
Delta: so much so that sometimes two bizarre things bump into each other in the dark
Delta: and for each nicholas barclay, how many more kids drop off the map and no one ever shakes the snowglobe again?
Delta: how many chameleons are there who are so good, or so lucky, that they never get caught?
Delta: it's difficult to calculate
Delta: but common sense suggests there must be some
Delta: how much of the money you've spent in your lifetime was forged? or paintings you've seen? the maid at the hotel, the postman, the man you passed in the hall, are they really these people?
Delta: we inherit from fiction the mentality, ingrained very deeply in our psyches, that mysteries are always solved
Delta: but they are NOT.
Delta: the world may take many secrets to its grave
Delta: and perhaps these deceptions only graze past your life, like the wing of a moth, or perhaps they bump your shoulder, and your day is slightly thrown off by something which is not quite the way it's supposed to be
Delta: but maybe you are involved to a depth you are unaware
Delta: how many more people like susan are there?

Delta: oh, not at all
Delta: i talk to lots of people
Delta: the... identities you know me under are generally used for Izzyal affairs, for talking to people i know well, but i have others
Delta: more approachable ones
Delta: you know one of them, although you don't know it's me
Wilson: well, that's disconcerting

Wilson: what do you think is charly's problem
Delta: one of two things
Delta: 1. he couldn't deal with what he saw and pretended, mostly to himself, that it didn't happen, OR
Delta: 2. they were all abducted and charly has inconsistent screen memories

Susan: i used a jury-rigged combination of voice recognition, typing, and autohotkey macros
Susan: and a mouse on the floor, which i hit with my foot
Susan: just for clicking though, not for moving pointers
Susan: it sounds silly, but it really was very effective for transcribing phone conversations in real time
Wilson: it sounds like it
Wilson: the only really silly part about it is the mouse clicking with foot but I can see the practicality of it
Susan: basically it controlled the speed
Susan: so i could slow down important parts and speed up gaps
Susan: the hardest ones were when the person called an automated service, because recordings talk so fast
Susan: and so continuously
Susan: but those were also the most useful, generally
Wilson: hmm
Wilson: What exactly were you doing
Wilson: It doesn't sound aboveboard

Delta: When we use both fiction and truth in service of clarity, we leave clear distinctions along the boundary between the two different materials.
Delta: For instance, when I spoke of hammers earlier, we all knew that was hypothetical.
Delta: But information has many uses, and in some of them, like manipulating someone's perception, it is often more useful to DISGUISE these seams.
Delta: For instance, you know that much of what susan says is a lie. It is not her intention to completely pull the wool over your eyes. But, you don't know quite where the seams are.
Wilson: now that's the god's honest truth


Jennifer: hawaii you are as stupid as a stick
Hawaii: a long stick?

Jennifer: i'm afraid your head is too big
Hawaii: release the pressure valve!

Jennifer: it's strange, it feels like i used to have more class...
Hawaii: you did have more class!!

Jennifer: you get 0 prize.
Hawaii: i want many prize.... :(

Hawaii: hey Jennifer, you don't tell ME what makes sense!
Jennifer: I'LL tell you what makes sense!

Hawaii: where's waldo?
Jennifer: he lives in a house of ham.

Jennifer: i like the phrase untimely demise
Jennifer: let's commit murders
Hawaii: ok!

Hawaii: today? why, today is TUESDAY DAY!
Jennifer: tuesday day is a hilarious name for a day
Jennifer: if we add a new day of the week, let's name it that
Jennifer: colloquially it will be known as "double tuesday"

* stargate
Jennifer: fun fact: german keyboards have a stargate key
Jennifer: it's located where we have a tilde
Hawaii: what does it do?
Jennifer: it's earth's "point of origin" symbol you use when dialing the stargate. it's always encoded as chevron 7

Hawaii: let's listen to the grateful dead
Jennifer: i'm very "grateful" for that idea, but i think we should "not do that"!
Jennifer: here, listen to phish instead

Hawaii: plus, videolan's icon is a traffic cone. That's innovation!
Jennifer: it was going to be a little silhouette in a hard hat digging a hole
Jennifer: the silhouette clip art union had a field day with that one

Hawaii: everything's in order in a black hole
Jennifer: everything's in a single point in a black hole
Jennifer: and thus can't HAVE an order
Hawaii: i think this song would disagree with you
Jennifer: what song
Jennifer: lies about black holes, the musical?

Hawaii: let's make LEMONS!
Hawaii: out of lemonades!
Jennifer: no!
Hawaii: WHY NOT
Hawaii: everyone enjoys 	a nice juicy lemon from the lemon stand tree!
Jennifer: that's stupid and impossible
Hawaii: AAAAAARGGGGGGGGGHHHH
Jennifer: you're just blathering on now
Hawaii: DON'T TELL ME WHAT BEING IMPOSSIBLE IS!

Hawaii: a newspaper is tumbling down the street
Hawaii: now the newspaper is tumbling back in the opposite direction
Jennifer: you should really tweet these things, so everyone knows

Hawaii: the warning balloon has changed from black ! in a yellow triangle to white X in a red circle
Hawaii: that's... worse, right?
Jennifer: yes
Jennifer: MUCH worse
Hawaii: that's a full stop, as opposed to a warning!
Jennifer: it's a CRITICAL stop

Hawaii: nothing's impossible!
Jennifer: EVERYTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!

Jennifer: the fictional news network in seven days is named CZN
Jennifer: they also have a fictional president and fictional pope
Jennifer: but sometimes we see fidel castro
Jennifer: he's looking fat!
Jennifer: oh great, another black people episode
Jennifer: i hate black people!
Hawaii: that's racism!


Jennifer: i think it's time for your HEAD to be examined!
Jennifer: it's pink, pretty dirty.....
Jennifer: lopsided
Hawaii: it has a face on it!
Jennifer: your nose is like a pig nose....
Hawaii: and a hole
Hawaii: and it's all out of shape
Hawaii: and it's lying in dirt
Jennifer: yes
Hawaii: yes???!?!?
Hawaii: just WHO am i, Jennifer?
Jennifer: i dont know

Jennifer: at your funeral, the funeral man will say "who wants cake?!"
Jennifer: but there won't BE any cake
Jennifer: you know what there will be?
Jennifer: a cookie with a frosting face!
Jennifer: the only refreshments at your funeral!
Jennifer: nothing but cookies with faces, delicately arranged on a plate on a doily!
Hawaii: the PLATE is on a doily?
Jennifer: yes!
Jennifer: and you see the caterer turn toward the camera and wink -- she's me!

Jennifer: you're gonna STEAL it, aren't you! YOU'RE COPYING ME
Hawaii: yes, actually, no
Hawaii: it's not as pretty as the blue one
Jennifer: well, you're not as pretty as me
Jennifer: and those shoes, barf!

Jennifer: here, tell the story of jack and the beanstalk
Jennifer: as accurately and completely as you can
Hawaii: alright
Hawaii: jack had to go find something to trade for their cow which they had to sell because they were poor
Hawaii: and a man probably in a hooded cloak gave him 3 magic beans for it, and then his parents got mad at him, something happened and he ended up burying it, then suddenly a magical beanstalk
Hawaii: "i will climb the beanstalk" he thought to himself and so he did and then he came up onto a cloud, and there was a giant castle in the cloud
Hawaii: he went inside and met a couple giants
Hawaii: i forget the this part
Hawaii: this part
Hawaii: tthtthhis part
Hawaii: and then he leaves, and his family gets some food?
Hawaii: oh, they had a feast
Hawaii: or a banquet, whichever
Hawaii: him and the giants, i mena
Hawaii: mean
Hawaii: him being "jack"
Hawaii: i forget what they ate, though
Hawaii: but i'm pretty sure there was ham
Hawaii: i also think there was another regularly sized person up there
Hawaii: a girl, probably
Hawaii: nothing happens between them if that's the case though
Hawaii: i guess that's it
---
Hawaii: oh yeah, that part
Hawaii: i completely forgot about the golden goose
Hawaii: and everything after it
Jennifer: XXXXX's is somewhat innacurate too, but at least he has the basic story mechanics right
Jennifer: except that the giant doesn't just fall off the beanstalk, jack cuts it down
Jennifer: yours basically ends with jack and the giants having a nice dinner
Jennifer: what did they eat? no, it wasn't ham! it was PEOPLE!
Hawaii: in my version it was ham
Jennifer: maybe someday you can tell you grandchildren about the day some planes flew into the world trade center and after the firemen saved everybody they had a big feast

* star trek
Jennifer: see, it used to be a cardassian station
Jennifer: orbiting bajor
Jennifer: but the bajoran insurgents drove out the cardassians with their terrorism and starfleet moved into the station to help them run it
Jennifer: in deep space 9, terrorists are the good guys, which can be confusing, but it's from a pre-9/11 world, you see.....
Jennifer: except red squad, who are morally ambiguous
Jennifer: but they were instruments of state sponsored false flag terrorism, so that's DIFFERENT
Jennifer: see, red squad was a secret squad of elite cadets
Jennifer: who were sent back in time
Jennifer: to blow up the twin towers with photon torpedoes
Hawaii: what!


Hawaii: let's count from one to ten in binary
Hawaii: ready?
Hawaii: go!
Jennifer: 1
Jennifer: 10
Jennifer: well, that was fun

Jennifer: what's your cutoff line for schemer hiding?
Hawaii: well, if you killed people i would furrow my brows
Wilson: furrow your brow
Wilson: you only have one brow, it's basically your forehead
Hawaii: oh!

XXXXX: you should print your resume on black paper
XXXXX: in white ink
Jennifer: white POISON ink
XXXXX: they'll know it as "the black resume"
Jennifer: resumes are worthless! IT'S ABOUT NETWORKING, NETWORKING NETWORKING NETWORKING!
Hawaii: developers developers developers developers!
Jennifer: you think steve ballmer just submitted his resume to microsoft, and got hired after answering some crap about manhole covers?
Jennifer: NO!
Jennifer: he got his major in subterranean networking
Jennifer: they didn't see the subterranean part
Jennifer: they thought he got his major in networking
Jennifer: when they showed him a computer on his first day on the job, he said "huh? is this a septic tank? does an alligator live in here?"

Jennifer: He doesn't want to hear about bees
Jennifer: I don't know why
Hawaii: i want to hear about the bee man
Jennifer: I just made him up, sadly
Jennifer: for more information on bees, go to um
Jennifer: your local library
Hawaii: yay

Jennifer: i'm bored, wilson
Jennifer: no one is talking to me
Hawaii: i'll talk to you
Hawaii: i am the best friend you will ever have.
Jennifer: i hope not!
Jennifer: you horrible little fat ball of lies!
Jennifer: i need new friends! THINNER friends!

Jennifer: ok hawaii
Jennifer: it's time for you to write my self-summary for okcupid
Jennifer: go!
Hawaii: you're a compulsive gambler and also you love to eat chocolate covered hay

Hawaii: there was this one thing, where you sat in these big doughnut shaped floatationing... crafts
Jennifer: inner tubes.
Hawaii: and it'd go between pools of water and long drops
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: i don't recall anything like that
Jennifer: probably american safety laws prohibit them
Hawaii: sometimes you would fall off and slide down
Jennifer: yeah, here that sort of thing is unthinkable
Jennifer: because we're LAWSUIT CRAZY
Jennifer: some lawyer would bump his noggin and just raving right there in the pool, his tie all wet and waving his briefcase around
Jennifer: "WELCOME TO LAWSUIT HELL, ASSHOLES", he'd yell

Hawaii: Take a picture of a lightbulb in a teacup!
Jennifer: I THINK THAT WOULD KILL ME
Hawaii: Take a picture of... BREAD!

Jennifer: what would you say are the exterior dimensions of a semi truck
Hawaii: rectangles
Hawaii: but cubed so that it's 3d
Hawaii: but not a cube
Hawaii: more like a rectangly long thing!
Hawaii: i guess mathematicians would call that a rectangular prism
Jennifer: they call it a rectangular solid
Jennifer: but what i asked for was the DIMENSIONS

Hawaii: was it holly or molly?
Jennifer: hmmm
Jennifer: a question for the ages
Hawaii: maybe it was polly!
Jennifer: no, i'd have remembered that
Jennifer: because polly was the name of long john silver's lobster
Hawaii: how about volley?
Jennifer: i'd have thought she was a transylvanian named wally
Hawaii: golly?
Jennifer: i'm not going to play this game with you...

Hawaii: that reminds me of the last time i cut my hair off
Hawaii: it felt like there was a single, fat, giant stalk of hair
Hawaii: waving around
Hawaii: it was a weird phantom pain!
Jennifer: hair doesn't have nerves, Hawaii
Hawaii: tell that to my HAIRHEAD!
Jennifer: hair doesn't have nerves... Hawaii's hairhead. whatever that is.
Hawaii: "ok Jennifer! i am cool with that concept! tee hee!"
Jennifer: That was just you imitating roast beef
Hawaii: ohhhhhhh welllll.
Hawaii: you know those hairs
Hawaii: attached to your pores
Hawaii: but which cross over
Hawaii: to countersect with the hair follicle nerves?
Hawaii: that's the attribution point, there
Jennifer: countersect isn't a word either
Hawaii: you know, i didn't think so either, but it is!
Jennifer: no it isn't! there's only one result for it on the entire internet! on a page about mel gibson
Hawaii: really? well, try "counter sect"
Hawaii: two words
Hawaii: but
Hawaii: an entirely different meaning!
Hawaii: about sects
Hawaii: and the counternance of it
Jennifer: Counternance isn't a word EITHER
Jennifer: You're always making up words! It's laneroads this and morer that
Susan: critics will praise her seussery as genius

Jennifer: why doesn't earth's atmosphere go off into space?
XXXXX: it happens constantly
Hawaii: clouds?
Jennifer: can you phrase that as a sentence?
Hawaii: the... heat and gases are trapped under another layer of gas, which is held down by gravity laws
Hawaii: earth's atmosphere remains fixated due to its layer of gas, in the gasophere. the gasophere is where gravity is created, which then works backwards from the earth.
Hawaii: that was 3 sentences, but that still counts, right?
Jennifer: yes
Jennifer: and what holds you and me down to the surface of the earth?
Hawaii: gravity laws
Jennifer: the gravity of what
Hawaii: of earth
Jennifer: congratulations, you know more about gravity than the guy i talked to for six hours today

Jennifer: remember that cat who had that youtube thing badmouthing museums?
Hawaii: no...
Jennifer: http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&oi=video_result&ct=res&cd=1&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DgaFbmuEUdwI&ei=vy5lStnROJK6MPjCuZsB&usg=AFQjCNEApIKwCSBdM5z61JCtveUm_WrrCw&sig2=6Ras7Dke7uZzcZ99NNv6bg
Hawaii: hey, it is a cat
Jennifer: i hope you've now learned to hate and fear museums, instead of just being bored shitless by them!
Hawaii: thanks cats!


Jennifer: you can't do anything! you can't even land a damn module! *dumps you out of the baby carriage*
Hawaii: I can do lots of things, I can........................................... bake a cake
Jennifer: bah! it's a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake! everyone knows that

Jennifer: ok, here's my idea for a new puzzle game that will take the world by storm
Hawaii: tetris with bees?
Jennifer: no, it's a cross between a word search and a sudoku
Jennifer: you have a 25x25 grid, and you fill it in such that each row, column, and 5x5 square contains the letters A-Z
Jennifer: uh, except for... Q
Jennifer: then, once you're done with that, it's a word search and you do the word search.
Jennifer: there are no hints though, you just have to see what words you can find in there
Hawaii: like boggle!
Jennifer: right
Susan: this is all fine and good, but how will rpg elements be added to it
Jennifer: well, each puzzle has a theme
Jennifer: for instance, christmas
Jennifer: your points increase with every christmas-related word you find in the finished puzzle
Jennifer: there are no initial letters provided either, just a blank 25x25 grid and a theme, so there's any number of ways to solve it...... it's pretty subjective what counts as a thematic word, too
Jennifer: the trick is, even though you're allowed to count your own score, before you get to see your prizes, it asks you to fill out some surveys and watch ads for goldline
Jennifer: and then you have to give it your cellphone number so it can text you your winnings
Wilson: that will only work if the carrier charges outweigh the winnings
Jennifer: well, that won't be hard, considering the winnings are all in the form of weemee points

Hawaii: i can't read this, i have to go work on my... diegetics.
Jennifer: you don't even know what that is!
Hawaii: of course i do! in a few seconds!

Jennifer: do you know who this is?
Hawaii: miranda groscrolekrelbge
Jennifer:  
Jennifer: how about this?
Hawaii: ian mckellan!
Jennifer: IT'S BILL GATES
Hawaii: ohhhh
Hawaii: right!

Hawaii: behind door number two is... an evil clown
Jennifer: good, good

Jennifer: i should check my mail and see if AT&T mailed me a new phone
Jennifer: out of the goodness of their hearts
Jennifer: i almost thought this was a pack of cookies or wafers
Jennifer: but no, it is wrapper from bar of soap.
Hawaii: shaped like a phone?
Jennifer: technically yes
Jennifer: considering both soap and phones are rounded rectangles
Jennifer: everything is, really....

Jennifer: auction time
Hawaii: oh boy!
Jennifer: how much for this amazing five dollar shoe?
Hawaii: four dollars!
Jennifer: do i hear.... five?
Hawaii: i don't think so.
Jennifer: going once......
Jennifer: going twice........
Jennifer: sold! to Hawaii
Jennifer: congratulations, you bid four dollars on a single shoe in an auction in which you were the only bidder
Hawaii: hooray!
Jennifer: generally it's a good idea to buy shoes in pairs
Hawaii: don't tell me how to live my life!

Jennifer: i'm hungry!
Hawaii: i killed a wasp
Hawaii: i saved the day
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: if you put it on a plate and make it look fancy enough, i might eat it
Jennifer: put on some cilantro, some caramelized onions...
Hawaii: i hit it with a shoe after it electrocuted itself in the light bulb!
Jennifer: drizzle some chocolate on there

Jennifer: you know how to make a pound cake?
Hawaii: no.
Jennifer: you mix a pound of sugar, a pound of flour, a pound of eggs, and a pound of butter
Jennifer: then you bake it
Jennifer: tada
Wilson: that seems off
Jennifer: THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT
Hawaii: wouldn't it be kinda gunky?
Jennifer: it's supposed to be
Hawaii: because it's a pound cake!
Jennifer: yes
Hawaii: i want a pound cake
Jennifer: you could never eat a pound cake.
Hawaii: i'll bet you fiiiiiiiiiive somethingorothers
Jennifer: it would simply fire a laser straight at your forehead
Hawaii: shitty
Hawaii: i won't try then!

Wilson: if you want to determine who wrote something, you do it by their use of little words like "of" and "then"
Wilson: everyone has their own frequencies
Hawaii: or "that"!
Wilson: yes

Wilson: you know what gives ME a weird chill?
Hawaii: what?
Wilson: Australia - The World's Suburb, by TISM
Wilson: the chorus, specifically
Wilson: for some reason, thinking about the vastness of space or the number of stars in the galaxy doesn't affect me at all, but the size of australia does

Wilson: no, it's actually the human head
Wilson: but everyone calls it a rat in the chatroom for some reason
Wilson: it has glasses
Wilson: it moves along this track, see
Wilson: you have to catch it in a diskette box
Hawaii: hmm
Hawaii: yes
Hawaii: i remember this, now
Hawaii: i remembered it without remembering that i was remembering it!
Jennifer: what the hell does that mean

Hawaii: WELCOME TO FLAVOR COUNTRY!
Hawaii: i mean...
Hawaii: Crazy Town.
Wilson: is crazy town in flavour country?
YYYYY: flavor country is actually just a major metropolitan area, despite the name
YYYYY: and it's not crazy TOWN, it's crazy WORLD
Hawaii: what's crazy town?
YYYYY: you made it up
Hawaii: iiiiiii
Hawaii: wait
Hawaii: no, no

Hawaii: what's in that egg
Hawaii: confetti?
Wilson: that's a beach ball

Hawaii: i once stole a loaf of bread
Hawaii: i was inprisoned for 23 years
Hawaii: while i was inprisoned, an old dying man taught me how to swordfight
Wilson: what did you use for swords?
Hawaii: stale loaves of bread.

Hawaii: whenever i don't know something, i just consult pi
Hawaii: somewhere in those numbers is the answer i'm looking for
Wilson: oh yeah?
Wilson: what's 1/3 in decimal?
Hawaii: 0.10000
Wilson: that is incredibly wrong.
Hawaii: depends who you ask
Wilson: no, it doesn't.

Hawaii: i had no idea how that jerk worked
Hawaii: i poked him and.. evertything...
Wilson: who
Hawaii: the whoever
Wilson: ah yes, the whoever...

* star trek
Wilson: if you were in charge of a show like star trek, how would you make it different from star trek?
Hawaii: every alien species would look exactly the same as humans, but each successive one they encounter has one more ridge on their forehead
Hawaii: the evil ones have pointy ears and raspy voices while the good ones do not
Hawaii: the ones who are good but turn out evil later only have one pointy ear

Hawaii: bring some gas cans and just throw them down when you're bored
Wilson: throw them down?
Hawaii: well, wherever
Hawaii: at your feet
Wilson: i don't even understand what you're saying...
Hawaii: at your feet is what i meant by throwing them down
Hawaii: but wherever?
Wilson: so, i bring.... gas cans
Hawaii: yes
Wilson: and when i get bored, i throw them down
Hawaii: and balloons
Hawaii: with smiley faces on them
Hawaii: while you have a frown

Hawaii: picture a box, painted entirely black
Wilson: ok
Hawaii: nobody knows what's inside of it
Hawaii: except []'s inside of it, because i'm telling you that
Wilson: so, it's a really big box
Hawaii: now, replace the box... with a sphere
Wilson: a big sphere
Wilson: is [] still inside it?

Wilson: your family is catholic though, right? how did you lose your faith?
Hawaii: scuba diving accident
Wilson: that makes no sense
Hawaii: bible got wet
Wilson: scuba diving accidents generally make people MORE religious
Wilson: they call it the rapture of the deep
Wilson: nitrogen narcosis
Hawaii: well, you may be right...

Hawaii: i think the guy was offset by it
Wilson: you mean offput
Wilson: well, you mean put off
Hawaii: i guess.
Wilson: although the verb is offputting
Hawaii: or inputting!
Wilson: the opposite of off is "on", not "in"
Hawaii: ONPUTTING
Wilson: that's not a word
Hawaii: this is
Wilson: no it isn't
Hawaii: how do you know
Hawaii: do you speak russian
Wilson: it's not even russian, it's greek
Wilson: it's the letter theta
Hawaii: how about this then
Wilson: that's a dash.
Hawaii: you're good.

* zzt
Hawaii: anyway, play my game immediately
Wilson: ok
Wilson: i can already tell this will be really good, just from the title screen
Wilson: what cycle did you set these pushers to, 25625?
Wilson: i don't think this bomb maze is possible
Wilson: i got the key, but i had to zap my way to the door
Wilson: did you playtest this
Hawaii: well, the bottom just leads to the top anyway
Hawaii: the sliders are in the way, right
Hawaii: the ns ones....
Wilson: yeah
Wilson: hmm
Hawaii: it is possible, but only in a previous lifetime
Wilson: oh, it seems this is a christmas game
Wilson: i don't think "underground maze" is an apt description of a blank board that connects to itself in all directions
Hawaii: hmm
Hawaii: mazes have solutions, i suppose
Wilson: or at least, you know
Wilson: walls
Hawaii: that'd help
Wilson: paths
Hawaii: like, a way to go
Wilson: yes
Hawaii: i gotcha


Hawaii: i need a linger chin
Hawaii: longer
Wilson: why
Hawaii: so i can ask questions to myself better
Wilson: i don't understand
Hawaii: hehhh tha'ts OKAY it was the way i was.. rubbing my chin.. whatever...

Hawaii: a guy in a domino suit
Wilson: what's a domino suit
Hawaii: a suit that looks like a domino
Wilson: so, a domino costume?
Hawaii: yes
Hawaii: subset of furry
Wilson: i think to be a furry, you have to pretend to be an animal
Wilson: a furry one
Hawaii: right, well, that's why these guys aren't furries
Hawaii: they're dominoes
Wilson: i bet a lot of accidents happen when they're in line for dominocon
Hawaii: they could fall over in a line
Wilson: well, i think we've mined all the humor we can from this idea.

Hawaii: no... but that it's a mixed bag
Wilson: what's a mixed bag?
Hawaii: you know, a bag, with different types of things in it

Susan: name five countries beginning with P
Hawaii: poland, pakistan, p... pole, north

Susan: what would YOU do, if you were the king?
Hawaii: well, i'd be curious about what's in the hallway, but I wouldn't want to go find out myself, so I'd probably find the best way to cheat at finding out what's down the hallway
Hawaii: like a bulldozer
Susan: how would that work?
Hawaii: i'm not sure how a bulldozer would help, but the long hallway would make me angry

Hawaii: is there anything to do in excel other than just typing words in the squares?
Hawaii: or, you can do math, can't you?
Susan: you can, yes
Susan: or you can do stuff like =right(A7,len(A7)/2)
Susan: that'll give you the right half of whatever's in cell A7
Susan: for instance if it said squadalah, your formula cell would say squa
Susan: and then you make another cell that says =left(A7,len(A7)-len(B7))
Susan: and that gives you the left half
Susan: then you can drag these cells down hundreds and hundreds of times, to similarly split all the other cells in column A in half
Susan: and then you sort the three columns alphabetically by column C, shift column B down one cell, and voila, poor man's markov chain
Hawaii: so =1+1 would make a square into 2 i'm guessing!

Susan: do you want to read a new comic i'm writing
Hawaii: no, not right now, I'VE HAD ENUFF OF YOU!!!

Hawaii: what would it feel like to walk through a mist of tiny spheres going backwards in time
Hawaii: say, the size of a cell
Hawaii: 20 cells
Hawaii: skin cells
Susan: if they're movable, it would depend on what they weigh
Hawaii: they are not
Susan: in that case, it would feel very painful, as you were ripped to shreds
Susan: however, immovable objects lead to paradoxes because everything has to have a reference frame
Hawaii: right
Hawaii: how about something that's like a black hole but... chromatons... or some crap
Hawaii: something that has gravity and also reverses time
Susan: chronatons?
Hawaii: yes, those
Susan: nothing can reverse time
Susan: but if you have a large enough object, spinning fast enough, you may be able to create "closed timelike loops"
Susan: and thus travel back in time
Susan: but only to the point the object was created
Hawaii: hmm
Hawaii: what if you spun the earth around really fast
Susan: not big enough.
Hawaii: the sun?
Susan: not big enough.
Hawaii: a million billion suns
Susan: that'd be big enough
Susan: i think it's on the order of six suns
Susan: but i don't recall what type of sun.....
Susan: they have to be spinning like ten times a second or something though
Susan: and i think they have to be in a certain shape, too, a cylinder, but i may be wrong about that
Hawaii: i think you're lying
Susan: my guess is that although the math is correct on what would happen if you did it, it's physically impossible to get that much material, spinning that fast, to hold the necessary shape

Susan: and what's going on in here
Hawaii: bolivia is exploding
Susan: how does that lead into the next panel
Hawaii: well
Hawaii: well.... it's night time in bolivia, and there are no street lights
Hawaii: beccause they all exploded
Hawaii: see, it wasn't so much bolivia that exploded, as it was the entire country
Hawaii: and when that happened, it became night time
Hawaii: do you understand
Susan: bolivia IS a country

Susan: what would you say is my fundamental nature?
Hawaii: you mean on other people?
Susan: a nature isn't something you have on other people

* ufo
Susan: what should be on the doors that can't be opened in this UFO?
Hawaii: wet puddle inside

* dream
Susan: i had a strange dream
Susan: about the afterlife
Susan: it was a lot like MYST
Hawaii: probably it is!
Susan: i had been there hundreds of years, in a place that kind of resembled my room
Susan: blue carpet, high ceilings, etc.
Susan: there was a girl who had just died, although in 2006
Susan: she was split into three copies
Susan: one normal, one angel, one devil
Susan: she looked about 13
Susan: the different copies all had the same personality, though
Susan: i was telling her not to come to where i was, because she couldn't get back
Susan: very much along the lines of atrus in d'ni
Susan: although later one of her showed up there and apparently it was fine

Susan: You scored poor.
Hawaii: What?! What?! No! What?!

Susan: Name thirty songs by The Bensons
Hawaii: No!

Susan: what casts a square shadow from the most directions?
Hawaii: a light bulb inside of a box

Susan: oh, let's stop here for a brief astronaut quiz
Susan: HOW MANY HUMANS HAVE BEEN TO SPACE?
Hawaii: hmmmmm
Hawaii: 8
Susan: 510!
Hawaii: oh! i was way off

Susan: what do you do when you can't go up any further?
Hawaii: throw a tantrum?

Hawaii: it's just a bunch of sentences!
Susan: susan worthless. more like

Susan: and kermit was on the daily show
Susan: he said hateful things
Susan: the puppet squad had to come in and take care of him
Susan: they wear radiation suits
Susan: i like to imagine that puppets are real and sometimes they become crazy and abusive and start emitting a deadly colorful gas
Jennifer: hmmmmm.
Jennifer: i'm stealing that idea
Susan: and it strikes terror into the hearts of everyone
Susan: special alarms go off
Jennifer: the way muppets move when they're just flailing around like crazy is fairly disturbing
Jennifer: it's something you wouldn't want to wake up to, right by your bed
Jennifer: although we should probably test that on some children just to make sure
Susan: i'm sure they'd be delighted
Susan: until the gas comes out

Susan: ok, the sound of a cicada in japanese is miin miin
Jennifer: that sounds nothing like a cicada! the japanese are fired

Susan: remember when you threatened to kill your baby if you couldn't provide for it through theft?
Jennifer: yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy I DON'T HAVE A BABY

Susan: ready to watch "dexter"?
Jennifer: no!
Susan: you didn't let me finish
Jennifer: ok, go ahead
Susan: "...a showtime original series"?
Jennifer: NO!!!

Susan: the envelope ended up arriving with a prominent shoeprint on it
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: that's probably just Dealer misunderstanding what it means to "step on" a drug
Jennifer: that gives me an idea
Jennifer: AMELIA BEDELIA RUNS A METH LAB

Jennifer: boy, we're sure taking some megaBITES, here! of food!
Susan: we're not, actually, the food just falls right out of our puppet mouths to the floor beneath
Jennifer: let's go back in time to the 90s and destroy all computer-related humor
Jennifer: we see someone drawing a cartoon about linux, we give them a painful electric shock

Susan: yesterday i saw the elves that control the gears of the universe
Susan: not only that, but they control the gears of YOU
Wilson: what did they look like
Susan: they constantly change shape
Susan: and they also manipulate your mind so that you don't realise if it's true or not
Susan: fortunately, this only ever happens on psychedelics, so that's a few points against it

Susan: never mind, i'm bored
Delta: me too
Delta: let's play a game
Susan: ok...
Susan: multiplayer minesweeper?
Susan: we'll alternate turns
Susan: i'll describe the board to you
Delta: ok
Susan: ok in the upper left corner is a 2
Susan: now what
Delta: what size board are we playing
Delta: how many mines
Susan: expert
Delta: click the upper right corner
Susan: it's a 1
Susan: i went next to it and lost

Delta: he just buys huge amounts at a time so it's worth it, and he can sell it for really cheap
Delta: he has more things than any other person i know
Delta: dom is extremely rare, but he has it
Delta: he's my only source for a lot of things
Hawaii: i hope he doesn't mix them up, if they all look the same!
Delta: they're all labelled
Hawaii: what if a monkey switches the labels?
Delta: then we're doomed

Jennifer: my idiot friend STUART says that on certain drugs, he sees white light as being simultainiously white and all the colors that compose it
Jennifer: is he full of crap?
Jennifer: WELL?
Delta: which certain drugs
Jennifer: uhhhhhhhh let's see
Jennifer: the halogenated or thionylated phenethylamines
Delta: sounds like he's getting visual effects and attributing to Seeing Beyond The Veil
Jennifer: that's what i said..... to myself.............
Delta: i see colours in the air in front of me all the time on 2c's
Jennifer: what i said to stuart was "interesting"
Jennifer: then as he turned around i made a horrible face and waved my middle fingers around at him

Jennifer: mad hatter just came out of the closet, which was funny, because it was immediately followed by a door opening in weirdshirt's eye
Jennifer: another warped pseudosexual encounter
Wilson: who is weirdshirt
Jennifer: main character guy
Jennifer: vincent
Jennifer: vincent law...
Wilson: you have to remember, other people don't live inside your head, where you make up crazy names for everything
Jennifer: gasp, the truth comes out, proxies are magical people
Jennifer: they did make that pretty clear last episode

* TV daily_show
Jon Stewart: This proves we are live, because if we weren't, we would've edited out me looking stupid holding up yesterday's paper.

* TV daily_show
Jon Stewart: This is an earthquake tsunami of- nothing... we're still just passengers in the back of obama's car-bus...

* TV daily_show
Sedaris: I wanted to call the book "let's explore diabetes with owls"

Delta: i see you as missing some gears in the linkage between emotion and action, or between passive and active thought
Delta: the light changes, but you don't leave the sidewalk
Delta: this has advantages
Delta: it separates you from the herd, because they get on the train and you stay on the platform
Delta: and this affords you an objectivity
Delta: most people should think longer before they act
Delta: but you must act eventually

* school
Clone-sister: today a second grade kid came up to me and asked "hey, you know james bond?"
Clone-sister: to which i replied "yes"
Clone-sister: and he said "well, there's this website, and on there they've got james BUNNY!"
Clone-sister: later a little blue-haired kid did a few karate chops near me, and said "i try to practice my martial arts every day... i'm trying to become the next bruce lee"


Susan: i have an idea for a new detective show
Susan: it's about a jerk who solves problems
Susan: his name, and the name of the show?
Susan: JERKBALLS
Susan: or, if it's on fox, just BALLS
Jennifer: how many exasperated sidekicks will he have
Susan: you, the viewing public, are his exasperated sidekick
Susan: the camera frequently tilts to the sky as if rolling its eyes
Jennifer: excellent!
Jennifer: now, what city is the show ostensibly set in
Jennifer: mind you, we'll only have to show familiar exterior shots of said city during the opening titles...
Susan: hmhnhhhhhmhmmmmmmmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmm
Susan: new york, pre-9/11
Susan: make sure you linger on the twin towers
Susan: it's ok if there's anachronistic pop culture references, though
Susan: because it's ostensibly a comedy
Jennifer: randy newman will write the theme song

* Jennifer's_house
Jennifer: the crazy old black lady for some reason feels that i'm not allowed to use the kitchen trash
Jennifer: so she took the trash i put in it, put it in a plastic bag, and left it outside my door
Jennifer: said trash consisted of one presliced cheese wrapper.
Jennifer: it's psychological warfare, basically...
Jennifer: that or she's just drunk all the time, which would also explain why i can't understand a word she says

Jennifer: it was a girl in her mid 20s, with a ponytail
Jennifer: outside, dusk
Jennifer: i was just walking along, talking to myself
Jennifer: and she saw me and ran away
Jennifer: and a minute or so later, saw me again and ran away again
Jennifer: this was right near my house
Jennifer: the second time, i was just leaving my house
Jennifer: so one possibility is that she was spying on me for some reason
Jennifer: that seems very unlikely though
Jennifer: and if she was, why run? unless she thought i recognized her?
Jennifer: i wonder if i could have caught her if i had chased her

Jennifer: i hate poor people, wilson! they're loud and annoying and they have lots of kids and then they yell at them ALL DAY

Jennifer: not only is Paige horrible and retarded, she also says "mmkay"

Jennifer: how about... uh... minecraft in space? here's my kickstarter page

Jennifer: and now i have to leave
Jennifer: on a jet plane
Jennifer: i am moving to a place where you cannot find me
Jennifer: goodbye FOREVER

Jennifer: exacto... an exacto knife in your belly

Jennifer: man, i can't get over that guy's awful toupee
Jennifer: i just really can't.

Jennifer: he's almost as difficult as you are
Jennifer: but no, not really anywhere near!

Jennifer: oh man, sweet
Jennifer: applying to best buy... online...

Jennifer: The most infamous species, S. chartarum (also known as S. atra) is known as "black mold" or "toxic black mold," and is frequently associated with poor indoor air quality that arises after fungal growth on water-damaged building materials.
Jennifer: thaaaat's... probably what i've got.
Jennifer: god
Jennifer: it's pretty evident that black mold is the problem, here
Jennifer: i sincerely hate my life

Jennifer: i worked in a baby construction factory
Jennifer: we gave them to hopeful parents who couldn't conceive
Jennifer: they were made of mostly fiberglass and wood

Jennifer: you know, the amount of people i hate could probably fill up an entire cliff
Jennifer: so the last few people to jump off of it wouldn't have that far to fall
Jennifer: i guess i'd have to make sure that my most-hated nemesi.. nemeses... are the ones to jump off first

Jennifer: also, i passed by what i thought was a place called Uncle Baby's Self Storage, but it turns out it was just Uncle Bob's

Jennifer: anyhow, ~22nd st and hartford is where the horses are
Jennifer: today there was a jackrabbit hanging around there, running away from me every time i took a step
Jennifer: it acted like a boo out of super mario world
Jennifer: eventually it ran under a fence and was quickly eaten by a horse

Jennifer: well, one of my aunt's dogs drew blood this time
Jennifer: so now i have ding dong ol' rabies!

Jennifer: the library is a horrible nightmare factory, you know

Jennifer: oh, they look just fine!
Jennifer: you know what your problem is? something related to all that fat you've got hanging off of you

Jennifer: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's time to go back to school
Jennifer: put on your mortarboard and your thinkin' cap

Jennifer: Augustus Gloop, he is fat / he should die / because is fat

Jennifer: i'm afraid your face was destroyed in an accident
Jennifer: luckily, we've found a face donor for you
Jennifer: NICHOLAS CAGE
Jennifer: DUN DUN DUN except really you wouldn't look much like him, you don't have the same bone structure

Jennifer: it's a great big wide world of mystery
Jennifer: and... wonderment
Jennifer: i call it 'mysteryworld'.

Jennifer: here's first lady michelle obama, skateboarder tony hawk, and bugs bunny and daffy of the cartoon squad with a very important message about getting out of your seat and making movements

Jennifer: get some land, dig it out, put in water, put some land on top, bang! water table!
Jennifer: another bang! the bullet ricochets. you're dead.

Jennifer: the gay crowd at school was fun, but none of them would have sex with me....

Jennifer: remember the 'scrubs' janitor's appearance in the fourth indiana jones movie?
Jennifer: of course you do. goodnight.

Jennifer: well, you've successfully stifled the potential for pranky hilarity. may a thousand active bombs be deposited in your house.

Jennifer: It's a rap song about different kinds of girls that you can have sex with

Jennifer: it's actually kind of creepy just how willing genie is to appropriate things from other time periods
Jennifer: why doesn't anyone ever ask him just what the hell he's doing...

Jennifer: you know, goats make a lot of sense when it comes to deciding what to sacrifice
Jennifer: i thought about this

Jennifer: i'm sorry, susan, but i hate this more than anything in the entire world.

Jennifer: I see you are enjoying those CHIPS, but you are not doing those CHIPS any favors!

Jennifer: well,,, wee wewe weewe
Jennifer: weewewe
Jennifer: weewee
Jennifer: wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Jennifer: that was the entire text of obama's infamous 2011 state of the union address

Jennifer: turn that nonplussed expression ever so slightly upside up!

Jennifer: i had breakfast consisting of a slice of bread and later some pop tarts
Jennifer: that's what i do for breakfast now, shove one or two slices of bread down my throat.

Wilson knowing you makes me 25% more suspicious that my life is all an elaborate illusion

Wilson: man, E-GOLD
Wilson: that just sounds so generically suspicious

* TV childrens_hospital
Wilson: which show is the show within a show, children's hospital or newsreaders?

Wilson: getting a text message from delta is a gut-wrenching, draining sensation

Hawaii: i have some good pictures of hamburgers if you want to see them!
Hawaii: one of them has a straight line of mustard and a squiggly line of ketchup!!!!!!!

Hawaii: i think we should spend more time reading wikiquote
Hawaii: MUCH more time!

Hawaii: Tally of tittering treats! And... teats!

Hawaii: [speaking for toy dog] Bow. Bow-wow!

Hawaii: I get myself involved in quite a few kooky situations!

Hawaii: I thought somebody was trying to break into my house! With a beepy thingy!

Hawaii: i'm a moving girl
Hawaii: always equipped with omnidirectional rockets

Susan: warmth is like a sheltering blanket, making the little world we've made for ourselves seem ever so sensible, you go outside, you get the mail, everything is hunky dory
Susan: when it's cold, you step outside and suddenly, bam, whatever stupid train of thought you were having is interrupted, and you're reminded that you live in a world which is still indifferent to you and all your little affairs
Susan: that you stand beneath the freezing sky

Susan: you know, the problem with having no external events in your life is that time just slips by
Susan: it's unsettling
Susan: i don't even sleep anymore unless i remember to
Susan: but even then, it...
Susan: feels wrong
Susan: and it feels like i'm forgetting something
Susan: sometimes when i go outside i feel like i'm forgetting something too
Susan: because i don't bring anything
Susan: but it's not that i'm forgetting anything, there's nothing to remember to do, or to bring
Susan: which is actually more unnerving
Susan: with nothing marked on the calendar, you can see to infinity
Susan: once you've got everything mapped out, and set up so you don't have any obligations
Susan: the fog in the future lifts
Susan: and without that fog, it's uncomfortable
Susan: it's just a desert

Susan: what happens though, if a situation gets so deadly that my survival becomes miraculous, is that i start to feel like i'm cheating
Susan: the dream loses its reality, and feels more like a daydream
Susan: i almost have the conception that the same thing would happen in real life, sometimes
Susan: sometimes i feel like i'm cheating already
Susan: that i'm doing suspiciously well, and that whoever is playing me, the me on the outside looking in, hasn't been playing the game as was intended
Susan: that he's, if not cheating, possibly rules lawyering or information laundering
Susan: or just not playing in a way that's germane to the setting
Susan: the way i live is a kind of mockery of a human life

Susan: i think this polyphasic sleep project is getting to me
Susan: i was lying in bed, half asleep, and i heard some girls talking
Susan: and it sounded at first like they were out the window, as of course they must have been, but it also sounded too clear for that, and i heard other sounds, like doors opening and shutting, water running, that made it seem like they, or someone, was inside my house
Susan: and i didn't think that was true, that that could be possible
Susan: i said to myself "it's just an auditory illusion, they're outside, your sleepiness is making you hear things"
Susan: but i got up to look, i got   up, i got up to   i   and after several false attempts it seems to be so hard to get up to make my eyes work to move... just...... beyond. the corner of the wall, i got  up   and there was n
Susan: i was at the computer, saying to myself "i'll check whether i've set the time right, " when " I realized I wasn't, the computer screen, the white screen, was the white wall, the dark desk was the dark carpet, and I was sideways, lying in bed
Susan: and this continued for quite some time
Susan: hallucinations within dreams, possiby based on external sounds, possibly based on nothing, seeing the real world through my real eyes but not interpreting it at all correctly
Susan: the carpet becoming a wood paneled wall, perspective thrown wrong, gravity sideways, seeing architectural features which don't exist in my house
Susan: the bizarre thing was that this would happen at the END of dreams, as though the dream was deliberately calculated to end with a picture which mapped perfectly to what i was actually seeing in terms of dark and light
Susan: and what does that mean, that I was dreaming with my eyes open?
Susan: i can't tell the difference between a dream and a daydream anymore
Susan: just as the visual perception of figure and ground can be inverted, so can my sense of being in my head looking out or outside looking in
Susan: once when i was following the voices down the grand staircase into the wandering halls down below, still in my bathrobe, stumbling through a dreamworld, the voices, trying to find them, to confront them

Susan: as i approached the people watching, i saw that they were sitting in rows of seats, arranged face to face and back to back, like at a gate in an airport, so that they were all sideways to the launch site
Susan: and there was someone speaking or about to speak at a podium
Susan: it was the president
Susan: there were two high-ranking military guys by him
Susan: and one asked me what i was doing there, or something like that, although i couldn't really hear him over the general noise
Susan: i said "i'm just here to watch"
Susan: he directed me to take a seat down the aisle in front of the president, rather crankily
Susan: i sat down on a seat in the very front row, on a newspaper, as every other seat for several rows was taken up by military generals
Susan: but the guy pointed far down the aisle and said "end of the line!"
Susan: so i walked down, past all the generals, past about 7 popes, and finally past a bunch of senior administration officials and congresswomen
Susan: i ended up next to some random congresswomen. karl rove said something to me as i passed
Susan: i didn't catch it

Susan: people are so helpless, you stick them in any situation without an obvious objective or way out and they just shut down

Paige: that random thomas the train one??

Paige: BA BA BABA BABABA BABA
Paige: BA BA BABA BABABA BABA
Paige: BA BA BABA BABABA BABA
Paige: BA BA BABA BABABA BABA
Paige: hmm
Paige: the word "baba" has lost all meaning to me

Paige: [watching temporal experiment nr.2] wait is this accurate??

Alan: the girl who works at circle k is really cute
Alan: she was wearing cheap plastic devil horns today
Alan: i got an icee and a hot dog
Alan: i also glanced at their fine selection of pornography
Alan: only to find that it was all terrible.

Alan: Well, we had all these children planting trees, see, because we figured that...
Alan: that was part of their education, to see how you know the root systems...
Alan: and also the sense of responsibility, taking care of things, being individually responsible.
Alan: You know what I mean.
Alan: And the trees all died. They were orange trees.
Alan: I don't know why they died, they just did.
Alan: Something wrong with the soil possibly or maybe the stuff we got from the nursery wasn't the best.
Alan: We complained about it. So we've got thirty kids there, each kid had his or own little tree to plant, and we've got these thirty dead trees.
Alan: All these kids looking at these little brown sticks.

Alan: there were a couple of stray dogs running around in the street when i went to roll up my car's windows just now
Alan: quite a surreal sight at this hour and in these weather conditions...

Noreen: do you know this guy, they call him an Izzy?

Noreen: oh, i like how they're set partway down the windows, so you can have them all the way down and still have some light.

Noreen: then i woke up and took my aunt to work and bought hot pockets
Noreen: a new toaster oven means that hot pocket days are back here at bebout family used dealership

Jennifer: I'D rather see the seven moons of tattooine pass on the dawning of the new day!
Jennifer: imagine twenty little jawas, all standing around in awe at the beauty of their alien world's majesty
Jennifer: they all utter "ucchidi..." in unison, silently, just under their breath
Wilson: tattooine has only 3 moons
Jennifer: AHA! NEEEEEEEEEEERD!
Wilson: i didn't know, i just looked it up on wikipedia
Jennifer: well, then, WIKIPEDIA is a HUGE NEEEEEEEEEEERD!

Jennifer: this is basically the exact same proccess by which a bill passes through the senate, but with more vomiting

* sam
Wilson: i remember once i was sleeping on the couch, in the old underground house
Wilson: in the main dome
Wilson: and i woke up, but didn't open my eyes
Wilson: and i heard a drawer opening
Wilson: but it never stopped opening, it just went on and on, and i imagined it stretching all across the room, this endless drawer
Wilson: really it was the sound of running water or something

* games
Wilson: it was a good game, but i only had the demo
Wilson: and the demo was cut off in an unusual way
Wilson: it didn't impose a time limit, or simply say "end of shareware version", what it did was stop you from upgrading your ships and crap any further than level 4
Wilson: but the waves of enemies kept getting tougher and tougher
Wilson: in the full version you could upgrade to level NINETY four
Wilson: so, pretty soon after the first few levels, it just became impossible to win
Wilson: actually sort of a neat way to do it
Wilson: i imagine most developers are insecure about providing all the game content in their demos, not to mention the size it would entail
Wilson: anyway, i had gotten about as far in as you reasonably could, and i had almost defeated a wave of enemies, but suffered heavy losses
Wilson: all i had left was the ginormous space station you start with, which doesn't really do anything, and a few moderately sized ships
Wilson: the aliens had a triangular mothership thing left that shot balls of fire, and it was saying something like "you have not even upgraded your ships to level 94"
Wilson: "this battle will be over quickly"
Wilson: i had my main ship run from the alien mothership, taking evasive paths around the giant huge space station, and the old admiral or whatever who's in charge of it was yelling about how he wasn't trained for dogfights and this ship wasn't supposed to ever have to do this kind of thing, etc.
Wilson: the thing is, the space station is
Wilson: just huge
Wilson: it's sort of mushroom shaped, with a bunch of pods along the lower spike, that sort of thing, not really an unusual shape, but it's like the size of a planet, and you really get a sense of how big it is due to the cinematography
Wilson: it's so big it's not even a target, it's not something you have to worry about the aliens attacking
Wilson: one imagines that they want to take it eventually, but that's not within the scope of the story
Wilson: we never see the aliens
Wilson: made me want to write a sci-fi show

* drod games
Wilson: i've been playing drod so much that in my groggy early morning thoughts i imagine that the world is turn-based
Wilson: that if i'm not moving, everything is in stasis
Wilson: even, somehow, my own mind
Wilson: i recognized this error several times, but it kept coming back
Wilson: it's a peculiar sort of feverish delusion, because almost always these things take the form of a worry or concern, have to fit the tetris blocks together, have to mine this out, have to do some incoherent thing
Wilson: a sense of it being important not to forget, or an urgency to it
Wilson: and this was the exact opposite, i kept thinking "i don't need to hold onto this idea because i can just lay here and go back to sleep and the idea will stay where it is until i'm up again"
Wilson: and then i kept being surprised that my thoughts were still going by
Hawaii: it's like that for meditation too, with the going by
Hawaii: because, you can look at it and say "hmm, that's changing", but you can't see it at first
Hawaii: it's kind of like the the thing with the snakes that go around, but in reverse!
Hawaii: because when you think, you think it's only your thought going around
Hawaii: but really it's all going around, always!
---
Hawaii: it's like that for meditation too, with the going by
Clone-sister: in meditation, you have to pay attention to the impermanence of perceptions
Hawaii: because, you can look at it and say "hmm, that's changing", but you can't see it at first
Clone-sister: we know that our thoughts and states of mind are always changing, but intuitively we're mostly blind to it
Hawaii: it's kind of like the the thing with the snakes that go around, but in reverse!
Clone-sister: it's the reverse of one of those optical illusions where everything in your peripheral vision appears to be moving
Hawaii: because when you think, you think it's only your thought going around
Clone-sister: our minds seem to be static aside from whatever our attention is focused on, which is in flux
Hawaii: but really it's all going around, always!
Clone-sister: but in fact the entirity of the field of experience is in flux at all times

Paige: like, if she's holding something up for you to read, like a form you have to sign or something, she'll move it back and forth as you read it, making space invaders noises
Paige: if you take too long, it starts to go back and forth faster and faster, and get increasingly closer to your face

Paige: i installed a program today for sorting emails, it works with outlook. so now i can file all my emails, i don't know how to though...

Paige: You're saying the same thing over and over again.

Paige: Well, spirituality and religion aren't the same.  They share the reliationship between math and the bomb.  Not exactly, though.
Paige: There's a better way to phrase it, I'm sure

Paige: i thought my little cutie fishy was dying the other night! but then it turned out i just overfed her... a LOT i guess....
Hawaii: you shouldn't overfeed fish
Paige: i know! i didnt MEAN to
Hawaii: they grow really big and you learn a lesson

Jennifer: today Paige passed by me while i was sitting down outside
Jennifer: she put some money into the pepsi vending machine, which was completely empty
Jennifer: she stared at it for a second, before delivering a roundhouse kick to it
Jennifer: followed by many, many more similar kicks
Jennifer: eventually she leaped towards the machine, grabbing the top of it to support herself while she kicked it with both legs
Jennifer: the entire time, i was hoping and praying that the machine would tip over and fall on her
Jennifer: while a pool of blood and dispensed soda cans collects under her

Wilson: you know what was good?
Jennifer: ORANGEADE, according to Paige!
Jennifer: she WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT ORANGEADE
Jennifer: i ask her WHY IT'S SO GREAT
Jennifer: and she says "it's like BITING INTO AN ORANGE!"
Jennifer: so i say "so, it's like ORANGE JUICE?"
Jennifer: and she says "NO, IT'S LIKE REALLY BITING INTO AN ORANGE!"
Wilson: i wasn't really asking you, that was my attempt at a segue
Wilson: but now i've forgotten what i was going to say

Jennifer: i have a habit of imitating youtube poop in real life
Jennifer: like instead of saying "Paige, you should check your mail", i might say "Paige, you should CHECK OUT THE ENCLOSED INSTRUCTION BOOK"
Jennifer: i can't really make my voice get all spindled and mutilated by bad levels and clipping, but i try
Jennifer: then i hold up all the junk in Paige's inbox so she gets the point
Jennifer: stupid Paige

Jennifer: why can't Paige just accept that she's a complete and utter idiot!
Jennifer: why is that so hard for her to accept!
Jennifer: why, when presented with the objective facts as to why she's a complete and utter idiot, does she opt to NOT SAY ANYTHING IN RESPONSE
Jennifer: can't she see that i'm trying to HELP HER by pointing out all of her IDIOTIC FLAWS

Jennifer: i'm probably going to sit here and eat four apple turnovers in a row while watching stargate
Jennifer: and then, at some later point, save humanity?
Paige: i tried doing that once
Jennifer: saving humanity?
Paige: yeah
Paige: i was trying to get rid of all of the greenhouse gases by breathing a lot
Jennifer: breathing CREATES greenhouse gas
Paige: oh
Paige: so i doomed us all?
Jennifer: god, you're worse than hawaii!
Paige: i only did it for 10 minutes or so...

Paige: why is spock evoking satan
Jennifer: he's INvoking satan
Paige: is he really? it doesn't look like he's becoming Satan
Paige: invoking is when you invite a spirit into yourself, evoking is when you just summon a spirit up and have a chat with it
Jennifer: not according to the dictionary!
Paige: well, the dictionary is wrong
Paige: what does it know about magic, anyway
Jennifer: it knows how to spell it! unlike the new age section of the bookstore!
Paige: pbbbblht

Paige: i can also control the weather
Paige: both elements of earth
Hawaii: make a dust storm
Paige: ok
Paige: it should occur within the next 36 hours
Paige: if it doesn't, well, sometimes that happens too
Paige: i'm kind of bad at it still
Hawaii: make it rain spoons
Hawaii: make big clouds fly over
Hawaii: except instead of clouds.... antlers
Paige: i should really just try to concentrate on one thing

Paige: [bullshit about quantum jumping curing headaches]
Jennifer: so, wait
Jennifer: does this mean there's an infinity of alternate versions of me tapping into my knowledge?
Paige: Yes!
Jennifer: what a bunch of sponges! that's probably what's CAUSING the headaches! i'm putting up a paywall

Jennifer: yeah, that's a screaming skull
Paige: first of all, you totally didnt look at it for long enough to figure that out
Paige: second of all....really?

Jennifer: do you remember what jon's job is supposed to be?
Paige: no, which jon
Jennifer: from garfield!
Jennifer: what other jon is there
Paige: uhhhhhhhhh, jon stewart
Jennifer: jon stewart's job is kind of obvious...
Paige: or anyone else whose full name is jonathan?
Jennifer: like who?
Paige: some guy i vaguely remember from elementary school
Paige: well, vaguely remember in that i THINK he was fat, but i could be wrong
Jennifer: yes, that's obviously what i meant, the jon you vaguely remember from elementary school
Paige: ok, ok! i can't think of any jons!
Paige: anyway, no, i don't remember jon's job.....
Jennifer: he's a cartoonist!
Paige: what! WHAT

Jennifer: put the plastic bag over your head, and tie it off so that very little air escapes
Jennifer: soon you'll pass out, tada
Paige: hmm
Paige: but wouldn't i have a headache before that happens?
Paige: i want instant
Jennifer: oh, it's instant
Paige: oh...
Jennifer: if you count from the instant you pass out
Paige: well i guess there isn't anything better here...
Paige: wait, no, this is a terrible idea
Paige: !

Paige: PENGUINS DON'T HAVE BEAKS
Jennifer: what!
Jennifer: bullshit! what else would they have!
Paige: l...leeks?

* youtube
Jennifer: trrmmmmmmm remember the witch doctor song
Paige: ding dong the witch is... no
Paige: ting tang wala wala bing bang
Jennifer: yes!
Jennifer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sdp7QBw3rIQ
Paige: hehehehe
Paige: hahaha i clicked five times before i could aim properly on that link
Paige: im tired
Paige: this shit is FIFTEEN MINUTES LONG
Paige: what are you doing!!
Jennifer: what!
Paige: FIFTEEN MIUTTNES
Jennifer: that's not that long!
Paige: oh, interesting, this is dubbed
Paige: yea, it most certainly IS 15 minutes
Paige: oh ,this is the original words
Paige: weird
Paige: wait, is THAT where this song originally comes from??? no right?
Jennifer: it is!
Paige: oh wow, i didnt know that
Paige: im glad you sent this retardedly long link!
Paige: dont take that as permission to send me poop though! hahaha
Paige: omg i HATE YOU I JUST FOUND OUT WHY ITS 15 MINUTEA

Jennifer: You laugh constantly, you know that?
Paige: That's so mean!

* youtube
Paige: why fagottron? did he name himself??
Jennifer: no, his PARENTS named him fagottron

Susan: POP QUIZ: if the sun suddenly winked out of existence and the earth was flung into space, how long would it take to leave the solar system?
Paige: over 8 minutes?

Paige: this is why I fear time travel, man
Paige: cause they'll be able to convict people of crimes before they commit them
Paige: like in Minority Report
Susan: there are better reasons to fear time travel
Paige: like what else?
Susan: an infinite loop is a doorway into the abyss
Susan: anything could come out
Paige: time isn't an infinite loop
Paige: it's a straight line
Susan: not when time travel's involved
Paige: you're so open minded!

Susan: the opposite of a fork is clearly a spoon
Susan: so maybe a snow shovel, since she lives somewhere cold
Susan: but a snow shovel isn't very iconic
Susan: and anyway the devil uses his pitchfork to jab people
Susan: so what's the opposite of jabbing people
Susan: putting bandaids on them... fanning them..... that's not very helpful if it's cold, though
Paige: jabbing is to make people do stuff
Paige: so i guess letting people do whatever
Paige: free will
Paige: ergo
Paige: jesus
Jennifer: jesus doesn't let you do stuff, he's all over your ass!
Susan: and anyway there's no garden tool associated with free will

Paige: there was a website i read years ago, about that, by a guy who claimed to experience supernatural things all the time
Paige: he may have been crazy
Paige: but he had some spirit guide that told him about "nonts", entities that got power out of causing emotion through deceiving people
Paige: like bleeding statues of virgin susan
Wilson: a being that "gets power by causing emotion" doesn't make any sense.
Susan: yeah, i'm with wilson here. i disagree about the big picture, but i'm still a reductionist. 

Jennifer: Killing time isn't a viable long-term strategy, as there's just so much of it.
Jennifer: Time is money, but ironically getting rid of time also costs money.
Jennifer: So, clearly the best option is to kill myself.
Paige: why would being homeless be worse than being dead
Jennifer: Because of all the suffering?
Paige: you wouldn't be relieving suffering, you'd just be nullifying it
Jennifer: Semantics!
Paige: no it isn't
Paige: you can't quantify things that don't exist
Susan: They have a quantity of 0.

Jennifer: you know what i hate about girls?
Paige: what
Jennifer: they leave plants in the shower
Paige: i've almost never had that problem, myself
Jennifer: ALMOST never?
Paige: well, it seems way too likely that i have
Paige: and i just don't remember a particular time it happened
Jennifer: margaret would always leave huge spikey plants in the shower

Susan: i think a basic problem with alice in wonderland is that the original story doesn't have much of a conflict, much of a point, it just rambles in different directions
Susan: some people add in the obvious premise that alice is trying to ESCAPE from wonderland, back into the real world
Susan: this is close, but it isn't quite right
Susan: alice escaped the "real" world to start with, and went to wonderland
Susan: it's not like she realizes the real world is great now, and wants to go back
Susan: she doesn't want to be in EITHER place
Susan: and who can blame her?
Susan: we don't want to live in a world that seems to make sense on the surface, but has talking rabbits running around in the background, and we don't want to live in a world where things are just flat out bonkers
Susan: we want a world where things actually make sense
Susan: i think alice just didn't go far enough down the rabbit hole
Susan: she should've kept going
Paige: i've still never seen it
Susan: you know the general plot though, yes?
Paige: yeah
Paige: i know how it starts and ends
Susan: where did you learn it?
Paige: different things over time
Paige: i saw the first bit of a book, that's how i know how it starts
Paige: end is common knowledge
Susan: and how does it end?
Paige: wait, i don't know how it ends
Paige: stop these mind games of yours!

Paige: i was going to do that, wasn't i
Paige: well, sure
Paige: let me plug in my mouse, then
Paige: well
Paige: super
Paige: let me just
Paige: plug in my mouse
Paige: then
Paige: there
Paige: all plugged in
Paige: !!
Paige: !

Jennifer: Why don't you go hit on Paige for a change?
Alan: That would be inappropriate. I'm her boss.

Susan: SOBERLY
Alan: no
Susan: PIGMENT
Alan: no
Susan: TYPED
Alan: no
Susan: CONVULSES
Alan: no
Susan: VANISHES
Alan: no
Susan: FLANKER
Alan: no
Susan: SQUIRTED
Alan: no
Susan: ATTENDANCES
Alan: no
Susan: BASKETBALL
Alan: no
Susan: FLAGSHIP
Alan: yyyyes
Susan: TEEM
Alan: no
Susan: GALENA
Alan: no
Susan: WALKOVER
Alan: no
Susan: UNPROMPTED
Alan: no
Susan: LOCKING
Alan: no
Susan: PILLS
Alan: no
Susan: FREE-RANGE
Alan: no
Susan: ANNOUNCE
Alan: no
Susan: GREASES
Alan: no
Susan: METALLIZED
Alan: no
Susan: GUSTIEST
Alan: no
Susan: REDEFINITIONS
Alan: no
Susan: DUKES
Alan: no
Susan: LETHARGIC
Alan: yes
Susan: TITILLATION
Alan: no
Susan: TWISTERS
Alan: no
Susan: HURRAY
Alan: yes
Susan: SKATEBOARDS
Alan: no
Susan: ESCHEWING
Alan: no
Susan: SEABIRDS
Alan: no
Susan: CREAK
Alan: no
Susan: SHIPWRECKES
Alan: no
Susan: CUSSEDNESS
Alan: no
Susan: OVERCAME
Alan: no
Susan: TYPEFACE
Alan: no
Susan: THREE-PRONGED
Alan: no
Susan: SPECIATION
Alan: no
Susan: DASTARDLY
Alan: no
Susan: PROFESSORSHIP
Alan: no
Susan: PROJECTED
Alan: no
Susan: LISTLESS
Alan: yes
Susan: INGOTS
Alan: no
Susan: SAUSAGES
Alan: no!
Susan: SESSION
Alan: no
Susan: NON-TOXIC
Alan: hmm. yes
Susan: WELL-RECEIVED
Alan: no
Susan: HYDROSTATIC
Alan: no
Susan: CONDESCENDING
Alan: noo
Susan: COAX
Alan: no
Susan: DIATOM
Alan: no
Susan: RHOMBOIDS
Alan: no
Susan: FORTITUDE
Alan: no
Susan: BREATHTAKINGLY
Alan: no
Susan: MORASSES
Alan: no
Susan: TANS
Alan: no
Susan: JOINT-STOCK
Alan: no
Susan: OVERPAID
Alan: no
Susan: BUDGETING
Alan: no
Susan: JOINED
Alan: no
Susan: NEWISH
Alan: no
Susan: UNDERDEVELOPMENT
Alan: no
Susan: DIVA
Alan: no
Susan: HYDROPHOBIC
Alan: no
Susan: LANCE
Alan: no
Susan: SIDEBOARDS
Alan: no
Susan: AVERRING
Alan: no
Susan: DISAFFECTED
Alan: no
Susan: INCUBATING
Alan: no
Susan: TONIGHT
Alan: no
Susan: DISALLOWING
Alan: no
Susan: MOTHER
Alan: no
Susan: REALIGN
Alan: no
Susan: PUBLIC-SPIRITED
Alan: no
Susan: PROTECTS
Alan: no
Susan: JURISTS
Alan: no
Susan: SEEPAGE
Alan: noo
Susan: SILLIEST
Alan: no
Susan: FLINTY
Alan: no
Susan: WANE
Alan: no
Susan: LEVIES
Alan: no
Susan: MATER
Alan: no
Susan: ORIENTAL
Alan: no
Susan: ORTHOPAEDICS
Alan: no
Susan: POPULAR
Alan: no
Susan: BEER
Alan: no
Susan: OMICRON
Alan: no
Susan: PROJECTION
Alan: no
Susan: BASTIONS
Alan: no
Alan: where are you getting all these words from
Susan: FJORD
Alan: no
Susan: SUSTAINABLY
Alan: no
Susan: STEAMED
Alan: no
Susan: VAST
Alan: no
Susan: HEAD-ON
Alan: no
Susan: GREEN-EYED
Alan: no
Susan: CONDENSERS
Alan: no
Susan: SLIMES
Alan: no
Susan: FLAP
Alan: no
Susan: VILLAS
Alan: no
Susan: FRONTALLY
Alan: no
Susan: REACTANT
Alan: no

Alan: Hey, check out this keyboard.
Hawaii: Wooooow.

Alan: you know, the problem with rubik's cube solution guides is that the first two steps are always "well, you gotta figure this one out on your own, good luck!"
Jennifer: the one i used just had a formula you concoct that makes you instantly smarter
Alan: that's what i want
Alan: where is it
Alan: i don't need any useless visual guides, i just need some hard formulas...
Jennifer: as soon as i drank it, i put my finger to my temple and said "the sum of the squares of any two sides of an icosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!"
Jennifer: and then lightning fired out of my forehead, destroying the cube
Jennifer: see, there is no actual "solution" to the rubik's cube except to destroy it
Jennifer: it's like the gordian knot

Alan: i've been watching this.. one anime... "the melancholy of haruhi suzumiya"
Wilson: i watched that
Wilson: it was good
Alan: it's all right, i guess, but they seem to have used the visual novel it's based on as storyboards...
Alan: which is jarring and awful
Alan: for the first eipsode, anyhow
Alan: it's gotten better since then, strangely
Alan: the first episode is basically nothing but head-on shots with characters situated in the dead center of the screen
Wilson: wasn't the first episode directed and shot by the characters themselves?
Wilson: i mean, it was intentionally badly directed, no?
Alan: was it
Alan: that would explain a lot...

Alan: if you move away from an object at 3/4c and the object simultaneously moves away from you at 3/4c, shouldn't its effective speed relative to your frame of reference be 1.5c?
Wilson: here's how that works: let's say you're in a red rocket and you blast off from the moon toward the center of the galaxy at what to an observer on the moon is 3/4c, and somebody in a blue rocket blasts off in the other direction at the same speed
Wilson: the observer sees you both as going at 3/4c, but you see the blue rocket as travelling much slower, due to the skewing of spacetime
Wilson: and vice versa
Wilson: you're essentially travelling at an angle to each other in spacetime, so that the direction of time for you isn't parallel to the direction of time for them

Alan: I'm reading Roomies again. I'm at Chapter 7. This thing is going to get good?
Susan: not really
Susan: until it becomes it's walky, anyway
Susan: and i don't remember that too well either, but i liked it at the time
Alan: I'm not sure I'm reading the correct "Roomies" comic.
Susan: yeah, that's completely the wrong one
Alan: God dammit! I read a whole bunch of that garbage, waiting for it to get good.
Alan: Is it the Roomies comic with the talking animal people?
Susan: no.

Alan: but it means plants need to be near the surface to some degree which makes them more vulnerable
Susan: yeah, but we're talking algea here, and it's small enough it can go everywhere
Alan: that's still a pretty small scale ecosystem
Susan: the biggest of those red networks was the size of the indian ocean at least
Alan: the kind of fish that only eat algae are tiny little fish
Susan: and then bigger fish eat those and so on, what's your point?
Susan: are you saying big fish need cabbages or maple leaves?
Alan: the smaller fish would only have algae to hide in, which isn't terribly effective, and whatever bigger fish came about would destroy all the smaller fish and destroy themselves!
Alan: you'd end up with an entire maze full of algae eventually
Susan: so, you're saying we need seaweed and kelp and such
Alan: there needs to be some more complicated plant life than algae, yes, in order to develop more complicated fish to develop amphibians to develop etc etc
Alan: evolution is a house of cards
Susan: if i have it correctly, your model is algea evolves, seaweed evolves, little fish, big fish, some disaster comes along and the seaweed goes extinct, and then all the fish die
Alan: you can't just have everything able to hide in the depths of the ocean forever, because more complicated life depends on sunlight, which means it needs to be near the surface at some point
Alan: that also implies that it's going to need ground to grow out of
Alan: which leaves it this one tiny channel near the surface of the land
Susan: there's free-floating seaweed, though, and i don't see why you need seaweed anyway
Susan: most photosynthesis is done by algea, and i don't think "hiding place for little fish" is an essential part of the food web
Alan: if prey can't hide from its predator, it gets wiped out!
Susan: so the stability of all predator-prey relationships is based on hiding?
Alan: well, isn't it?
Susan: the algae isn't hiding from the little fish, now is it?
Susan: why don't the little fish just swim around in schools and scatter if a big fish comes along
Alan: because you've got them all in a corridor that reduces their ability to scatter
Susan: they can go up and down
Alan: fish still have depths they can't go to!

* job
Izzy: As you've reviewed Your Associate Handbook, you've probably noticed that it's "decorated" with a lot of "toppings." By "toppings," we mean expressions or phrases that relate to food or supermarkets. For example. a number of "bakery" related "toppings" are "mixed" in this section. That's because we want success to be the "cookie cutter" you strive for and fun to be the "filling" you get out of your job.
Izzy: So your first challenge, if you're up to it, is to get a "sheet" of paper and "decorate" it with some "toppings" you think we can use in Your Associate Handbook. We'll "proof" them and decide whether to include them in the future. At the very least, we'll think you deserve some "brownie" points. And, at the most, we'll send you a little something for valuable suggestions. So, what are you waiting for... the "cake to rise?" Send your "toppings" to:
Human Resources (Handbook Toppings)
P.O. Box 407
Lakeland, Fl 33802
Jennifer: send them a letter with some baking soda in it and a bunch of scare-quoted words and phrases relating to anthrax
Izzy: good idea

* job
Izzy: the more i try to talk to my coworkers at target, the more they reveal themselves to be irredeemably stupid
Izzy: it's weirdly frustrating
Jennifer: i've known people like that
Jennifer: i like to call them "everyone"
Izzy: it just seems so strange
Izzy: i didn't talk to anyone during school unless they actively interested me for whatever reason
Izzy: that way, i eventually had a large circle of friends that had a semblance of a brain in their head
Izzy: but these people, it just seems strange that the more i'd talk to them the more i'd know that they know nothing
Izzy: it's like swimming into a body of water and finding the bottom is actively approaching you
Izzy: and then i think, huh, these people are perfectly representative of the vast majority of americans 
Izzy: and then there's XXXXX, who tells me that people in general are smarter than i think
Jennifer: he is wrong.

* job
Jennifer: my point is, it should be something that illustrates how you're biggles and you could regale everyone with your amazing exploits till the cows come home
Izzy: but i'm NOT biggles and i CAN'T, EVER
Jennifer: but you can lie and SAY you are
Izzy: i'm pretty sure they're not actually asking you to have stories to tell
Jennifer: just put "smoked a cigarette on top of mount everest"
Jennifer: if that doesn't get you hired, i don't know what will!!!
Izzy: FINE, GOD
Izzy: Your session has expired. Please restart your session.

* job
Izzy: anyway, did you know target and other customer-service oriented corporations basically license their practices from disney world
Izzy: especially with regards to terminology, like onstage and offstage, team members and team leaders, guests instead of customers, etcetera
Jennifer: yeah, but disney world actually HAS stages
Jennifer: it's a real farce, not a fake farce...
Izzy: it feels like a fake farce
Izzy: it is a fake farce, it's all incredibly calculated
Jennifer: yes, but it's calculated to look like mickey mouse loves you and everything is fun
Jennifer: whereas target is just calculated to look like... a. .. store
Izzy: busch gardens isn't a farce at all, it's just a pretty park with rides and shows in it
Izzy: disney world doesn't even do a good job looking like everything is fun
Izzy: and making it look like mickey mouse loves you is easy, you just hire furries to walk around and make hand gestures and hug people
Jennifer: calling people at disneyworld guests isn't really a stretch, they're there because they enjoy it, not just to buy some paper towels
Jennifer: whereas at target, it's a baldfaced lie
Izzy: what about all the people who come into target actually talking out loud while i'm nearby that they prefer target to wal-mart or whatever
Izzy: it's not as though our paper towels are any cheaper
Izzy: usually they're more expensive
Jennifer: are you suggesting they come to target because they enjoy hanging out at target?
Izzy: no, but a lot of them enjoy shopping
Izzy: so, actually, yes, they basically do enjoy hanging out at target
Izzy: i have no doubt i see people who enjoy hanging out at target
Izzy: specifically target, in fact
Izzy: keep in mind we sell all kinds of bullshit, like clothes and pet food and toys and electronics
Wilson: i think Jennifer's point is that at disneyworld, the silly names for everything and so on are designed to uphold this unflinching façade of disneyworld being a magical place without managers or employee bathrooms or puke that needs to be cleaned up
Wilson: target has no such illusion to maintain
Izzy: yeah
Izzy: goooood point.....

* job school
Izzy: Together, for the next 15 weeks, we will study new concepts and skills which require practice and a commitment to learning. So planning early and establishing a regular writing and study routine early will make your experience this semester a lot more pleasurable. Plus, there's this technology component since you are taking an on-line class. This compounds your responsibilities. Yes, that's right. Not only do I expect students to be independent learners and actively participate, but you must also be savvy enough with computers to handle the technology demands.
Izzy: actually he appears to be a terrible writer
Izzy: "on-line"
Jennifer: "Yes, that's right."
Izzy: I bet I'll be able to amaze and astonish him with my long overwrought sentences
Jennifer: he'll be like "Good work, Izzy. [some stupid pun about writing]"
Jennifer: and you'll feel the satisfaction of a job well done
Izzy: yesssss
Jennifer: and then, two years later, you'll get a bachelor's degree in... psshhhhhhh... whatever...
Jennifer: from the university of phoenix online or whatever this is...
Jennifer: and then the excitement REALLY begins!
Izzy: shut up your mouth!! I'll write your dumb fanfiction!!!!!!!
Jennifer: the excitement of looking for a job and your worthless degree not helping you get one! not helping at all!
Izzy: you really are a motivation hazard, you know

* job
Izzy: how am i supposed to convince anyone of THAT
Jennifer: you just tell them you did, and they believe you!

* job
Izzy: why should i have to lie to get paid to move books around or operate a cash register and say hello to people
Jennifer: because the other applicants will also lie, and you have to look better than them
Jennifer: obviously!
Jennifer: anyway, they're just going to hire their nephew trent, it doesn't matter how much you lie on your application

* school
Susan: you see my point though, i think....
Susan: about the shortcuts
Izzy: yeah
Izzy: you're a pretty bad influence on me, that way
Susan: if you spend four years of your life to make somebody go "hmh" after reading a line in your resume, there's got to be a more efficient way to achieve that same effect
Izzy: more than four years
Izzy: because i'd been going part time for so long
Izzy: it's been... uhh .. ..    jesus. over 7 years now. but I do have an associates degree in.. undeclared major!
Izzy: and valuable life experience
Izzy: and a growing hatred for school

* job
Susan: if the clouds part and the angels trumpet in a glorious new age of freedom and prosperity, you just come back to phoenix and your shitty job at target and fat roommate with sleep apnea
Susan: although personally i would find a way to avoid that
Izzy: that's probably the single bleakest thing i've ever heard

* school
Susan: but what are you designing? magazine pages?
Izzy: it's more work than it sounds!
Susan: work no one would notice or care about even if it were a real magazine
Susan: you stick the text in there, give it some columns, throw in a few pictures, tada
Izzy: it makes a difference in the overall feeling and communication of the magazine and even if people don't consciously recognize it they are still impacted
Susan: i'm sure that's what the guy who designs the back of bags of doritos says to himself
Izzy: uggggh, irrelevant anyway
Izzy: regardless of how worthless you think my stupid degree is, I'm still going to be graded on the criteria of making a good design
Susan: i think the only magazine i've even skimmed in many years is The Believer
Susan: they use the same design all the way through, every issue
Susan: although they mix up the color scheme each time
Susan: i generally read "article" type material online, in blogs, which are typically preset designs or crudely modified preset designs
Susan: occasionally i'll run into an article on a more mainstream site, and there the design has three important elements
Susan: 1. all sorts of irrelevant crap above, below, and completely surrounding the article
Susan: 2. ads (except i block them)
Susan: 3. it's chopped into multiple pages you have to click through instead of one long scroll (to get you to look at more ads, i think)
Izzy: possibly, but it's partially due to the amount a normal person will comfortably read
Susan: so it's to trick people with short attention spans?
Izzy: basically
Izzy: it's to do with the aesthetic of the page layout, too
Susan: nobody else on the whole internet does it that way, just online versions of dying print whales
Susan: gasping on the e-beach
Susan: maybe i'm a "power user" but when i find an article that takes ten minutes to read split up into eleven pages, i find it extremely irritating, and as a web designer, it's my understanding that deeper clicking means fewer visitors
Izzy: I think there's just a strong divide still between traditional print media and the web, and sometimes when people design for the web they're coming from a tradition of print media, or have only been educated in how to design for print media
Izzy: and given that there are a few hundred years of history there, it's entreched in sort of rigid standards, so I bet a lot of designers then think the appropriate thing to do is to take an arbitrary set of standards and apply it to web design, like in all magazine or news publications' websites breaking the content into pages
Izzy: but then, a lot of it is probably ads, like you said
Izzy: still, the amount of web design that they actually teach us is laughable considering how fast print media is dying
Izzy: the professor who teaches the Creating Web Interfaces class (which is new this semester), was telling us you don't want to build a site entirely in Flash and the only reason she gave was that search engines can't grab the text
Susan: my point is, it just doesn't seem like an activity that anyone could justify making a living doing
Susan: you pick a readable preset, you stick your logo at the top, bam
Izzy: who makes the presets, though?
Susan: even if you make your own, or edit one until it's unrecognizable, like i do, although what i do is mainly deleting stuff, it takes what, an afternoon?
Susan: and even then, anybody with half a brain is just going to subscribe to the RSS feed anyway, and all that pretty formatting gets dumped in the garbage
Izzy: I don't even know why listening to this bothers me as much as it does
Izzy: it's everywhere, even if it's just a barnacle on marketing's underside
Izzy: and it's not all just hacked together in an afternoon
Susan: but even then, the way you get taught has a tiny fleck of design learning wrapped in a huge flaky crust of administrative nonsense and second guessing the people who grade you and figuring out the best way to trim the enormous amout of irrelevant dross out of the exercise
Susan: as it is with all schoolwork to an extent
Susan: but particularly so in non-quantitative areas
Izzy: yeah, well
Izzy: even that tiny fleck is worthwhile
Susan: i think what offends me is how seriously this discipline takes itself
Susan: it's one thing for art to say "we have as much to contribute to society as science"
Susan: but design isn't even ART, you're not the picture, you're the picture FRAME
Izzy: and you don't think the framework in which every single thing in this stupid world is presented is relevant at all?
Izzy: I'm not saying it's dire, or so extremely important, but it IS relevant, it DOES make a difference, and I'm offended by the fact that you're offended that design would take itself seriously!
Izzy: just because it's something you dismiss as irrelevant and take for granted does not mean it has no impact on the way you view things, or the way other people do
Susan: even within the scope of providing a context for other things, all you're learning is how to generate more of what an entire industry already does, the magazine layouts of tomorrow will not provide any significantly different context from the magazine layouts of today
Susan: and in general, the best frame is no frame
Izzy: oh yeah?
Izzy: would you buy ranch dressing out of a plain ziploc bag in the grocery store
Izzy: and would you say that the newspaper layout designs of 100 years ago would have provided the proper framework for the magazines for today? or the web?
Izzy: by studying design now, we learn how to prepare for these changes, how to bring them in smoothly
Susan: it's interesting you mention ranch dressing, i was using that as an example with rahul, who i have similar arguments with
Susan: he's in marketing, not design, and he takes it super-seriously
Susan: he's a graduate student, if you can believe that
Susan: in marketing
Izzy: i remember
Izzy: you pasted a log between you and asgromo that discussed it
Susan: the design of the bottle of ranch dressing needs to make it easy to apply to salads and such, but i don't really think that's your domain, or rahul's for that matter, and as for how it's labeled, if it just said KRAFT RANCH DRESSING and had the nutrition facts, that'd be good enough for me
Susan: black and white, whatever
Izzy: because you're established to the brand, I assume
Izzy: but say they don't HAVE Kraft Ranch Dressing at the store. Or any other brand you've tried. are you going to pick a plain, unmarked bottle? even if it's ten cents cheaper?
Susan: given the cultural assumptions we have about food and it's quality and what being unlabeled implies, no, but if it were common for random brands of food to go unlabeled, sure
Susan: if i lived in the repo man universe where everything was labeled in blue and there were no brands at all, i'd be fine with that too
Izzy: ah, but just because we have those cultural assumptions means that there is some framework at work in your selection of ranch dressing or a bedspread or a monitor
Izzy: but if any discipline wants to seriously study that framework and the cultural assumptions that make it up, it's taking itself too seriously because it's all irrelevant?
Susan: i don't know about bedspreads or monitors, with those i'd just go by dimensions and materials and such
Izzy: and you have to understand, too, that not everyone sees it that way, not everyone is as quantitatively minded as you, and a lot of people are going to pick a monitor based not on its specifications, materials, or known reliability, but by price and assumed quality
Izzy: and saying that they SHOULD be more like you is also irrelevant because they aren't
Izzy: the cultural framework that surrounds us may be changeable but it still exists and therefore has some relevance
Susan: but at that point, the high-minded artistic whinging about context boils down to "how can we trick consumers into purchasing more of our product and less of our competitor's product?"
Izzy: yeah, well
Izzy: I didn't say it's a noble pursuit
Susan: and the effects of font selection on that are probably too small to be measured anyway
Izzy: well, picking some geometric sans serif is probably going to be irrelevant to most people, as a choice between, say, Futura or Century Gothic, but they're going to see a geometric sans serif differently than a garalde serif differently from an ornate script differently from black letter
Susan: still, to be tweaking tiny details on what amounts to a glorified advertisement for ranch dressing and stand next to a doctor or a materials scientist and say "art is important too!" seems a little ridiculous, is my point
Izzy: i suppose every doctor and materials scientist is making breakthroughs to advance the overall condition of humanity
Susan: remember the design document for the new pepsi logo?
Izzy: no , I don't think so
Susan: warning, pdf
Susan: it's quite possibly the biggest bunch of bullshit ever written in the history of mankind
Izzy: no, it's about standard for design shit
Izzy: you should see my textbook for Identity & Systems Design class
Izzy: it's like scraping teeth to read it
Izzy: the thing is, though, it probably isn't bullshit
Izzy: whatever firm redesigned that logo paid people to go through all of that shit before coming up with that stupid thing
Izzy: so, I mean, it's still Bullshit, but it's not retconned bullshit
Izzy: hmm
Izzy: that page of smiley faces is the best thing i have ever seen
Izzy: i should print that out and hang it in my design department's classrooms
Izzy: god, why am I defending this shit to you

* school
Izzy: why not
Susan: because school sucks
Susan: at the beginning of fifth grade i said "alright, that's enough of that"
Susan: and everyone was like "but you HAVE to go to school!"
Susan: and i was like "make me" and they said "I GUESS YOU DON'T THEN..."
Susan: it was amazing how easy it was, in the end
Izzy: was it
Izzy: i remember having to do a lot of stupid correspondance school crap
Izzy: and then some alternative high school where you only had to go ten hours a week and it was self-paced
Izzy: until I finally just hit 17 and got my GED
Susan: the truth of the matter is, the educational system does not have a lot of leverage
Susan: the worst they can do to you is expel you, and that's... not particularly threatening, if your goal is to not go to school
Susan: "this will go on your permanent record, young lady!!!"
Izzy: can't the state put you in foster care if you aren't getting an education, though?
Izzy: i wish my mom wouuld have been less paranoid about that, it would've saved me a lot of trouble
Susan: you were what, 12 or so?
Izzy: well
Izzy: let's see.. 11 when I refused to go to middle school any longer, then we tried enrollment in a private high school when I was 12
Izzy: and that lasted for... two months? three?
Susan: and your house wasn't full of black mold or anything
Izzy: not that we knew of
Susan: i don't really see CPS coming in and dragging you away for not doing your schoolwork
Izzy: the important thing is that my mom thought they would
Izzy: and I didn't want anyone to think I was shirking away from schoolwork, anyway. I never had a problem with that
Izzy: just all the people that happened to be at the school
Susan: again though, what would your mom actually have done if you simply refused to do the schoolwork? thrown you out?
Izzy: hmm, I dunno
Izzy: maybe put me in a mental institution
Susan: to save you from being put in a foster home.
Izzy: no, because if I'd have refused to do any schoolwork, clearly my emotional disturbance was to the point where I could try to kill myself again
Izzy: I don't know
Izzy: reasonably, nothing, but it would've strained our relationship  to say the least
Susan: i'm not suggesting you have to be a dick about these things, just calmly explain why schoolwork is a load of rubbish and then when they try to get you to compromise, say no, and then they give up
Izzy: I know these things *now*, but it doesn't matter anymore
Susan: do you REALLY?
Izzy: yeah
Izzy: well
Susan: you're still in school, i note

Izzy: it's april
Jennifer: you're april!
Jennifer: how's it feel to hang out with the ninja turtles, APRIL?
Izzy: gross, they smell

Izzy: i'll play zydeco music
Izzy: and move to new orleans
Izzy: and become a zydeco musician
Jennifer: new orleans went in the water
Jennifer: now it's all soggy
Izzy: they've fixed it pretty quickly
Izzy: rich college jerks were there celebrating mardi gras this year
Jennifer: they just changed all the signs to point to boston instead of new orleans
Jennifer: ever notice how we never see boston and new orleans in the same place these days?
Jennifer: that's because they ARE the same place!

Izzy: they're an independent think tank that does a lot of contracted work for NASA
Jennifer: i'll give you contracted work for nasa
Jennifer: a one way ticket to the sun, onboard the short shuttle!
Izzy: that's probably more than i could feasibly handle!

* star trek
Izzy: video game forums are the worst places in the world
Izzy: even the smart ones
Izzy: it's people talking endlessly about the most boring shit ever....
Jennifer: that's everywhere
Jennifer: everywhere in the entire world
Izzy: oh god
Jennifer: and in space, too
Jennifer: people on voyager have the most boring hobbies imaginable
Jennifer: botany.... playing the clarinet...... repairing vintage cars......
Izzy: those are pretty boring....
Izzy: what's voyager's point
Izzy: what do they do all day
Izzy: what are they out there for
Jennifer: they got lost
Izzy: oh for crissakes
Jennifer: so lost that it's going to take them 80 years to get home
Izzy: how... how do you get lost
Izzy: in space
Izzy: don't they have, uh, telescopes
Izzy: as well as fantastically powerful computers
Jennifer: a magical alien banjo player sucked them through a wormhole
Jennifer: they call him "banjo man"
Jennifer: but before he could send them back home, he died
Jennifer: and turned into a big rock
Izzy: wow
Jennifer: well, not a VERY big rock.

Izzy: i showed a potential replacement for me around the apartment
Izzy: he was very bad, very very bad
Izzy: much worse than my current roommates
Izzy: he will be a very hardworking mediocre programmer somewhere one day
Jennifer: what's wrong with him
Jennifer: did he grep the source tree for GOTOs and swear words?
Izzy: no, he was nervous and jumping around and he had an unlistenable voice and failed to provide any input whatsoever
Izzy: and then he hung around for ten minutes waiting for us to say things
Jennifer: what kind of things
Izzy: whatever we could think of to fill the silence

Jennifer: you sure favorite a lot of obama speeches!
Izzy: yeah
Izzy: that's how i maintain activity in the modern political process

Izzy: i need some sort of... delicious ade...
Jennifer: perhaps....... jade?
Jennifer: from jackie chan adventures? i'm sorry, you're a pedophile.
Izzy: that is not liquid. don't- fff

Izzy: Eye In The Egg
Susan: what do you imagine for that one
Izzy: an egg on its side with egg-white outlines but an eye shape inside
Izzy: I mean, an eye inside
Susan: egg-white outlines?
Izzy: an egg with an eye in it!
Susan: what are egg-white outlines?
Izzy: so it's apparent it's an egg, such that the egg fades into the eye from the outside in
Susan: does the eye have a lid?
Izzy: no
Susan: so it's an egg-shaped eyeball, then
Izzy: sure
Susan: see, egg whites are the white gooey stuff inside an egg
Susan: they're a substance, they don't have a defined outline
Izzy: yes, I forgot that
Izzy: I was referring only to the color
Susan: i imagine an egg sitting upright that has an eye, with a lid etc.
Susan: theoretically someone could imagine an egg broken open with an eyeball instead of a yolk, or a fried egg with a pupil and iris where the yolk should be
Susan: so you can't just say "an egg with an eye in it!"
Izzy: well, that was out of frustration and not wanting to actually explain what I was visualizing in full
Izzy: because it makes me feel self-conscious
Izzy: everyone has that problem, all the time.......
Susan: no, they don't!
Izzy: sure they do!
Izzy: maybe not YOU, or USEFUL people
Izzy: but lots of people certainly have an idea in their head, and then when you demand they explain, they both don't and can't
Izzy: because it's vague or actually unworkable
Izzy: and they only notice when they try to turn it into something they can explain
Susan: well, if it's incoherent, just say it's incoherent, there's no harm in that
Izzy: indeed...
Susan: i'm not asking for your artistic vision so i can make it into a sculpture, i just want to know your instinctive reaction to the name
Izzy: if you want to know my instinctive reaction, why do you also ask "why"
Susan: because your instincts differ from mine
Susan: i ask you why you like a name because i want to see the choice the way you percieve it
Susan: i'm not judging your judgement, i'm just dissecting it so i can understand it
Susan: well, i'm judging it too, but that's secondary

Jennifer: She makes more money than you, too.
Izzy: What!
Jennifer: She's bilingual.

Izzy: my high school japanese teacher once told a friend and i that we should appear on a reality show called "Dumbest Man in Universe"

Noreen: i'm reading about suleiman the magnificent
Noreen: he came from a time when sultans had gigantic onion hats
Jennifer: when DIDN'T sultans have gigantic onion hats, though
Noreen: well... was muhammad a sultan?
Jennifer: no!
Jennifer: he was a prophet!
Jennifer: he had a bomb hat, as everyone knows
Noreen: what did allah wear, then?
Jennifer: allah is a god! his image must never be drawn, under penalty of death!
Jennifer: death by bomb hat!
Noreen: well i give up, muslims are just impossible!

Noreen: we actually could make deviled eggs
Noreen: we have eggs
Jennifer: do we have any devils?
Noreen: you don't need devils, deviling is a procedure
Jennifer: a procedure done by devils.

* early
Hawaii: POP QUIZ: how many people have walked on the moon?
Noreen: 4
Hawaii: what were their names?
Noreen: neil armstrong, buzz aldrin, dont know, dont know
---
Noreen: So what were the other two names 
Hawaii: john and sam
Noreen: They landed sometime in the eighties, correct? 
Hawaii: yes
Noreen: Apollo 16? 
Hawaii: yes
Noreen: That was such a random guess 
Noreen: I can't believe I got it 
Noreen: Now 
Noreen: Who are you? 
Hawaii: astronoid fact girl

Jennifer: canada is basically empty except for right next to the US border
Jennifer: it's just a long line of fake storefronts and such, propped up with planks
Jennifer: to give the appearance of a country where there really isn't one
Noreen: pretty much, yeah

* youtube
Noreen: There are some people who want to kill you.
Noreen: They're called terrorists.
Noreen: And they hate everything about you.
Jennifer: is it because of my youtube videos?

Noreen: hey, are there any restaurants?
Jennifer: no, i'm afraid phoenix, the capital city of arizona, has no resturants.
Noreen: let me rephrase that
Jennifer: no grocery stores either
Jennifer: we just stand around in the streets waiting for mana to fall from the sky

Noreen: that kid isn't him, is he
Jennifer: isn't who
Noreen: isn't the news anchor
Jennifer: isn't the news anchor what
Jennifer: no, the little kid is not a news anchor
Jennifer: he has a picture of the news anchor on his hat, and also on the cake
Jennifer: the cake which says "happy 3rd birthday henry"
Noreen: i thought it said 30th

Jennifer: are you saying the pilgrims discovered canada BEFORE america?
Jennifer: that's heresy and lies and TREASON to our fair flag, with it's four beautiful colored shapes, white stars, red stripes, golden horseshoes....... b........ rainbows...... balloons......
Noreen: actually, didn't they arrive in newfoundland first?
Noreen: or did columbus do a thing
Noreen: i don't really care about history
Jennifer: then you're doomed to repeat it! GET IN THE BOAT

Jennifer: pop quiz: who is america named after
Noreen: joseph... john... kill.. bill... mcamerica
Jennifer: wrong! the answer is christopher washington, who sailed the ocean blue in 1932 and became our first president
Jennifer: yes sir, christopher washington, freer of the slaves...
Noreen: was his middle name america
Jennifer: yes
Noreen: no it wasn't.
Jennifer: well
Jennifer: his nickname
Jennifer: people didn't have middle names in those days
Noreen: what kind of nickname is that
Noreen: this calls for wikipedia
Jennifer: an "america" was a type of gunboat
Jennifer: which he was often compared to for his firey temper
Noreen: i don't know if you're lying or not

Noreen: like splash mountain, the worst ride of all time
Jennifer: splash mountain is great! what's wrong with it
Noreen: well, it's just a waterfall at the end, after looking at some waving cartoon animals
Noreen: for six minutes or whatever
Jennifer: basically! and your point
Noreen: that's really stupid, lazy, not funny, and not exciting!
Jennifer: just the fact that you ride in a giant log makes any log ride worthwhile
Noreen: i've had better log rides before, is the better point
Noreen: like that seaworld one i barely remember, that was interesting
Jennifer: how so
Noreen: let me look it up
Jennifer: i bet it didn't have an owl that pees on you
Jennifer: see, after you go down the big plume, you go into a little tunnel and there's an owl that says HOO HOO HOO! YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE! and as he talks, he's urinating right into the log! it's impossible to avoid, the pee goes everywhere!
Jennifer: and it's especially ironic because the waterfall part doesn't get you wet at all
Noreen: i vaguely remember that
Noreen: and that's clever
Jennifer: it's a total lie! what, are you crazy?
Noreen: oh, right, you just go down the waterfall and then you're in the open and you get off
Noreen: and then you get your photo in your paper card
Jennifer: no! the owl in the tunnel is REAL, he just doesn't PEE on you!
Noreen: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Noreen: well, i'm confusing it with the sea world one, for one, which i'm almost certain does end in the open
Noreen: which i remember as a kind of aztecy temple thing
Jennifer: i don't know how you can remember these things so poorly
Noreen: well, i don't care! i have a terrible memory
Jennifer: i've been on other log rides too, my friend!
Jennifer: i don't confuse them with the amazing peeing owl
Jennifer: it's easy to remember because at the top of the plume a tied up brier rabbit squeeks "watch out! the owl PEES on you!"

Noreen: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Noreen: i have to return this stupid package...
Noreen: and... several books...
Noreen: why is everything so difficult
Jennifer: why did you order it!
Noreen: i thought i could use it! but i can't.
Jennifer: what is it, a book called "if you can lift this book you can exercise"?
Noreen: it's... a sack... of... potatoes? russet potatoes.
Jennifer: what were you going to do with them, a stop motion film?
Jennifer: i would think yams would work much better for that
Jennifer: every time i go to the grocery store, i see the yams, i think to myself "those are tailor-made for stop motion"
Noreen: what the hell is a yam
Noreen: stop lying about things!

Wilson: aladdin would've been a much shorter movie if he just wished to be a magical wizard from the get-go
Noreen: i assume he wasn't allowed to do that
Jennifer: jafar did it!
Jennifer: did you even see the movie?
Noreen: oh, right
Noreen: i just forgot how it went.

Susan: you know what'd be a good name for a store?
Susan: "no refunds"
Noreen: i wouldn't want to shop there
Susan: why not?
Noreen: probably crappy quality
Susan: what if the light-up letters of the sign went out, so it just said "no   fun  "
Susan: then would you shop there?
Noreen: i suppose
Susan: how about a store named "30 day refunds"?
Noreen: still seems like a hassle
Susan: there's just no pleasing you
Noreen: apparently not..
Susan: how about a restaurant named "pee food (no pee)"?
Noreen: still seems a little gross
Noreen: that seems even worse than no refunds, though
Noreen: since it'd be too hard to tell if there's pee in it
Susan: how about a RESTURANT named "no refunds"?
Noreen: that's agreeable terms
Susan: would you eat there?
Noreen: yes, always
Susan: what about a resturant named "30 day refunds"?
Noreen: sure
Noreen: but that's confusing
Susan: what if the letters went out so it just said "         fun  "?
Noreen: yes
Noreen: I would like to have some fun.
Susan: what if it just said "         fu   "?
Noreen: less appealing
Susan: how about just "          u   "?
Noreen: again, not as appealing
Susan: what would you expect them to sell?
Noreen: posters
Susan: of what?
Hawaii: cats!

Delta: What's the weirdest thing that's ever happened to you?
Noreen: One time a wine glass in my house moved of its own accord.
Delta: Where did it go?
Noreen: Just about a foot from where I put it on the counter. Then it stopped.
Noreen: It freaked me out. Never happened again.

Jennifer: ok, if you had to have a WORD on a shirt, what would you pick
Noreen: uuuugh I don't know
Noreen: where's that random word generator
Jennifer: well, what's a word you would at least WEAR on a shirt
Jennifer: if you had the choice of that, or a blank shirt
Jennifer: how about []?
Jennifer: then everyone would know your name
Noreen: i'd pretty much wear a blank shirt over any shirt with a word
Noreen: i hate personalized crap
Noreen: even something with a big [] on it, guhb
Jennifer: how about JENNIFER
Noreen: haha that'd be funny
Noreen: i could just get a closet full of shirts with random names on them
Noreen: every day be a new name
Jennifer: what if one of the names was TROUTSNIFFER
Noreen: no, I wouldn't wear that
Noreen: i should get that photo of troutheads off my camera
Jennifer: how about FAT
Jennifer: then people would know how fat you are
Noreen: they don't need a shirt to tell them!
Jennifer: but would you wear it?
Noreen: no, I wouldn't wear a shirt that said FAT
Jennifer: but why not!
Noreen: why WOULD I
Jennifer: how about PHAT, with a PH?
Noreen: absolutely not
Jennifer: how about SNOOP DOGG
Noreen: absolutely not!
Jennifer: SNOOP DOGGY?
Jennifer: wait, that's two words

Jennifer: it is very difficult to find a decent quality version of the pinky and the brain intro on youtube
Jennifer: and this angers me
Noreen: you should use the one that has the giant nickelodeon logo
Jennifer: link me
Noreen: i don't know where it is!! what do i look like! to you
Jennifer: a fat..... a Noreen?
Noreen: EAT BAG... DEATH...

Jennifer: hey, what's the resolution on this GPS?
Noreen: uh... 10x11.
Jennifer: that is the most idiotic number i've ever heard!!!!!!

Susan: they had a peculiar radio station playing
Susan: it was christmas music, but it was all christmas music i had never heard before
Susan: not just different versions of old songs, different songs
Susan: it was aggressively christmasy
Susan: it mostly sounded new
Susan: uptempo
Susan: most stores play christmas muzak so familiar that through my entire shopping or dining experience, i can match every song with the hp lovecraft parody counterpart
Noreen: they should just stick with the classics, really
Noreen: contemporary christmas music tends to be awful
Susan: i disagree, i think the contemporary conception of christmas as a crazy onslaught is delightful
Noreen: well, your love of christmas is blinding your sensibilities! or maybe my hatred for christmas is blinding mine
Susan: i think everyone i know hates christmas
Noreen: it's just such a burden!
Susan: it drives people to suicide!
Noreen: i do feel sort of suicidal right now
Susan: that's how you know it's hardcore, and not some shitty made-up holiday like veteran's day!
Noreen: god, don't tell me that makes you like it MORE
Susan: christmas is kind of like the end of the world
Susan: all the lights blinking, everybody running around in a panic
Susan: the sun goes out, blizzards and darkness
Susan: mythical figures and signs

Paige: why is it so cold!?
Hawaii: maybe another big iceberg just broke off into the ocean!
Noreen: or, you know, cold front

* cryonics
Jennifer: probably they just dump them into a big cryostat and add some parsley as a garnish
Jennifer: i imagine heads float in liquid nitrogen...
Jennifer: probably they just have an audioanamatronic witch to stir it

Susan: it's clear they exist just from aggregated data
Susan: really i feel better for not having seen them
Susan: like an atheist born to christian parents
Susan: if you're handed the truth on a plate, it's nothing to be proud of, is it?

Delta: let me put it to you this way:
Delta: what if keeping the juice from tipping over WAS truly the most important thing of all, and it spilled?
Wilson: Go on.
Delta: how would anything be different?
Delta: whether something "matters" in a philosophical sense is not even a scientifically measurable thing
Delta: it has no impact on reality

Noreen: i'm trying to decide how to paint my house
Jennifer: Watch karate Kid.
Jennifer: It will show you how.
Noreen: i mean what colors, jackass!

Paige: anyone who wants to be cool and help me win an ipod go there (you don't have to do anything besides going to that url)
Kaylee: no.
Jennifer: if there was a url i could go to that would help a tree fall on your house, i would click it

Kaylee: Paige don't know shit about cryogenics.
Kaylee: She ain't even got a driver's license.

Kaylee: Final Sacrifice is on
Wilson: i remember this one
Kaylee: This is the one with Rowsdower
Wilson: with rows- yeah
Kaylee: Zap Rowsdower
Kaylee: One of the greatest episodes of one of the greatest TV shows ever, at least trillions of times better than all the anime ever made combined
Kaylee: The movie itself ain't that good, only about 10 times better than all anime ever made combined
Wilson: that estimate seems a little high
Kaylee: Billions then
Kaylee: At least a few hundred zillion
Wilson: zillion isn't a real number
Wilson: i guess i'd have trouble saying how many TIMES better a thing is than another thing
Kaylee: I don't
Wilson: clearly
Wilson: although you do revise your estimates up and down several orders of magnitude, as well as sideways into the imaginary
Kaylee: Unlike some folks, I'm good at watching TV

Susan: you know that improv comedy game where a person tries to perform some normal activity, but really it's somebody behind them with their hands through the front guy's sleeves?
Susan: and he's trying to eat breakfast or whatever?
Kaylee: yeah
Susan: this reminds me of that
Susan: you could set it up so they control a normal person, and have to get them through their normal life
Susan: and the comedy comes from watching them royally fuck it up
Kaylee: yeah
Kaylee: but what the fuck do normal folks do
Kaylee: they have some kind of office job
Susan: they eat breakfast....... go to school........
Susan: really though, it's like pulling teeth to get people to want to play any kind of writing related game, in my experience
Kaylee: so maybe just make it a normal show with no audience interaction whatsoever?
Susan: i mean, it's not really the input of wilson or miranda or inuyasha0009 that's the key here, it's the perspective of the comic as a game
Susan: fictional games end up being more entertaining to watch than real ones, i think
Susan: and i think the reason games are interesting is that a game is basically a story with a lot of the workings exposed, so they're easier to subvert and deconstruct
Susan: the difference between a ninja and someone playing a game about a ninja is that the latter case is more self-aware
Susan: so you don't have to keep circling around in the same tired ninja rut
Susan: or, really, the same tired story rut
Susan: you know what i mean?
Kaylee: I guess
Susan: it's the self-awareness of the interactive format which makes it valuable, and that you can have that without interactivity
Kaylee: making the comic a game basically just boils down into meta-shenanigans
Susan: right
Kaylee: bah, fuck meta humor. Despite the fact that my comic is 900% meta humor
Susan: there's a lot of different types of meta humor, and not all meta is humor
Susan: the world we live in is built on meta
Susan: working without meta means working without reflection
Kaylee: then what do we get
Susan: being trapped within whatever genre or format you have, and blind to everything outside
Susan: being meta in a lot of cases just means avoiding or abridging tropes
Susan: rather than being instance #94563 of plot development 89
Susan: of course, if you have nothing going on BEYOND the tropes, this can leave you with nothing but a comic of some people screaming about how much the comic sucks...
Kaylee: the STORY ELIMINATRIX
Kaylee: my mind is made of these, it's an electrified gravitonic nanogrid, so dense and hot that it sucks in and burns all creative brainwaves through subspace or some shit
Kaylee: I LEARNED SCIENCE FROM STAR TREK VOYAGER HELP ME
Susan: the ideal of course is to have it so that when the red flag comes up, rather than just aborting or fast-forwarding, you actually do something new

Jennifer: it's nonsense! pure hogwash! i want everyone's head on a platter
Jennifer: and i want a microchip in each head that makes them say their catchphrase!
Alan: heads don't have catchphrases
Jennifer: sure they do!
Alan: name one head that has ever uttered a catchphrase!
Jennifer: 
Jennifer: "DOOOOOONKEEEEEYYYYY, YOOOOOUUUUU JUST DRAdamANK MY UUUUUUUUURIIIIIINNNNNEEEEEE"
Alan: i stand corrected... and as always, horrified...

Jennifer: in my dokamon world, there are no dogs
Jennifer: you know what we have for pets?
Alan: hedgefog? a delightful farting cgi cloud that follows you around?
Jennifer: clown heads!
Jennifer: we just put them on roombas and watch 'em go!

* star trek
Jennifer: on star trek, they're always saving rain forests and native american crapheads
Jennifer: they're like "these lands are sacred to our people"
Jennifer: if it was me, i'd just say "boo hoo, get your teepees out of cardassian territory you whiners!"
Jennifer: then i'd teleport them and all their precious rainforests and marmosets into some ferengi antimatter garbage scow and be on my way
Jennifer: that's my perogative! i'm the captain!
Alan: you'd say "captain's log, stardate 2093.923! today i met some native americans and their way of life offended me for no reason."
Jennifer: all they do is sit around worshipping nature spirits and having vision quests, and preserving their traditions. DON'T THEY KNOW THEIR ALLEGED NATURE SPIRITS ARE REALLY ALIENS FROM THE DELTA QUADRANT? Yes, it's true. chakotay learned this on an episode of voyager once. He then proceeded to ignore it ever afterward.
Alan: th..you're basing your opinions on a poorly-written science fiction show
Jennifer: well, about the native americans IN that science fiction show
Jennifer: the ones in the real world probably aren't worshipping delta quadrant aliens
Jennifer: instead, just made up crap like all the other religions
Jennifer: in a way, aliens isn't quite as bad
Alan: wellllll
Alan: "Jennifer"
Alan: you're WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG!
Jennifer: I'm NOT very tolerant of my OWN culture, and i don't see any reason to be tolerant of anybody else's either! Even if the white man persecuted their ancestors and blah blah blah
Jennifer: they're still a bunch of idiots!

* ppc
Susan: a big part of why i'm drawn to writing is the hope that somehow on paper the story will come to life in a way that it doesn't in my head, and go somewhere interesting that i wouldn't have thought of if i'd just been thinking it instead of actually making it
Susan: i write as a reader
Susan: so, having a user-controlled comic provides some glimmer of that, however farcical
Susan: it's why i tend to write using systems and methods that work with little bits at a time, blind to the big picture, rather than having an overall idea and fleshing it out
Susan: i want the ending to surprise me
Alan: reading adventure kids from start to present doesn't feel farcical, it just feels incredibly, weirdly bad
Alan: in a way, say, ms paint adventures doesn't
Susan: yeah, it's paced very poorly
Susan: there's a lack of dialog, too
Susan: dialog is usually where a story mostly happens, and i tend to avoid it because it's hard to write
Susan: and you the users tend to avoid it too, probably for the same reason
Alan: we avoid dialog because we can't imagine a good reason for the ufo to say anything worthwhile
Susan: can you imagine a good reason for it to do anything?
Alan: no, which is why i had it wait for twelve hours, in the hopes that something else would happen
Susan: i envisioned two basic paths the comic could take, initially, either it talks to the kids and sort of joins their group as the wacky shapeshifting fourth member, or, it goes on a crazy killing spree
Susan: what actually happened was more like the latter, but in a toned-down, broken way
Alan: i doubt anyone even imagined the ufo doing that former thing, or anything postive or useful
Alan: but that might mostly have to do with how it was born
Susan: well, the reason i would've talked to them, if i was a user, was that talking allows you an enormous amount of freedom, moreso than shapeshifting
Susan: you had the capacity to define the situation however you wanted, you could've told the kids you were a wizard, or jesus, you could even have broken the fourth wall
Alan: i think your users are more concerned with storytelling than game-playing, is the problem
Alan: even when they're just putting down retarded garbage
Alan: they feel they have to work from past premises, even that they weren't responsible for
Alan: so if they introduce themselves by having a sinister apple spit out a hideous flying worm, they feel they can't possibly be intelligent or practical
Susan: it's interesting how that happens even in spite of the way i administrate, where the rules are so technical and dispassionate that i actually pretend to be an automated system
Susan: i never mark something invalid because i don't like the tone of it or it isn't germane to the plot
Susan: still, there's an interesting conflict here anyway, even if it isn't the one i expected
Susan: the users are trying to behave like a character in a story, yet i make no effort to DEVELOP a story
Susan: if you do something confusing, people are confused, if you do something threatening, they run away, or call the police, if you wait for hours and hours in a crashed police car, a whole lot of mundane crap will happen in that time span
Susan: what did you EXPECT to happen when you wrote that instruction?
Alan: nothing in particular
Susan: what do you expect to happen now?
Alan: hmmm
Alan: what hadn't occurred to me is that time is actually rather constant in this comic, you're not jumping around
Alan: anyway, i guess i expect more cops milling around and a tow truck
Susan: and then?
Alan: a garage or lot
Alan: i don't see why the couple from the orchard would show up only because they haven't shown up yet, but then again, it hasn't been very much time at all
Susan: you think the UFO is invisible, don't you
Alan: oh, right, the ufo is still carrying a pile of dumplings
Susan: XXXXX thought the same thing, despite the fact that they were visible in the second to last panel before your instruction
Alan: i forgot!
Alan: maybe because inventory is always invisible

Susan: i'm trying to figure out a puzzle
Alan: what kind of puzzle
Susan: a maths puzzle
Susan: let's say you have a bank of 100 light bulbs, which you leave on all the time
Susan: after 2 years, 50 of them have gone out
Susan: so, from this you can conclude, assuming that light bulbs work like radioative isotopes, that these lightbulbs have a half-life of about 2 years
Susan: yes?
Alan: yes
Susan: but let's say you have only ONE lightbulb
Susan: and it goes out after 2 years
Susan: now what do we guess about the half-life?
Alan: well.. we can still assume it's about two years, but we are much less certain of this
Susan: but is 2 years even the best guess?
Alan: with the information we have i don't know what else we could guess
Susan: is a lightbulb with a half-life of 2 years the most likely to go out at exactly 2 years?
Alan: well, no, but the half-life seems likely to be somewhere around two years
Susan: certainly if the half life is very short or very long we would not expect this behavior
Susan: but i'm not so sure the answer isn't something like 1 year, or 4 years, or 2*(1/e) years
Alan: with only one lightbulb how can you tell
Susan: maths!
Alan: aaaagh, maths
Susan: it may require calculus...
Alan: i should really learn some more maths some day
Susan: i knew calculus once, when i was nine or so
Susan: then i forgot because it's not very useful
Alan: the only way i can see approaching this is to go at it either statistically, which would require more lightbulbs, or to evaluate the physical nature of that specific lightbulb and figure out how long it's supposed to work for
Susan: you don't need more lightbulbs to use statistics
Susan: you could for instance simulate hypothetical lightbulbs with different half-lives and see what percentage of time they die after 2 years, plus or minus a day, say
Alan: how do you simulate them without real data, though
Susan: a thing with a half life is simple to simulate
Susan: we can do it on paper, even
Susan: let's imagine 1024 lightbulbs with a half life of a day
Susan: after 1 day, half burn out and we have 512
Susan: after another day, 256, etc. etc. etc.
Alan: but surely some would burn out before 1 day
Susan: it's a simplification, if we want more precision we have to use calculus
Alan: oh, i see
Susan: but we can easily see that by day 11 we're left with only one bulb, so this is clearly too short a half-life for our 2 year bulb
Susan: similarly if we look at a bunch of bulbs with a half-life of a century, this is too long
Alan: well
Susan: but to be more precise we do need to figure out the percentage per [small time interval] which go out if they have a half-life of [large time interval]
Susan: for instance, if the bulbs have a half life of a year, what percentage go out per day?
Alan: no idea, how could you tell?
Susan: in a year, 50% go out, there's 365 days in a year, so...
Susan: X^365 = .5
Susan: 1-X = the number that go out in a day
Alan: that doesn't seem accurate, though. even if they go out early they don't all go out uniformly. they'd still mostly go out around a year, with a few anomalies
Susan: not at all!
Susan: half-life just means that half of them have gone out by time X
Susan: they can go out at any point from 0 to X, and in fact more of them go out sooner than later
Alan: oh, i see
Susan: X~~0.998103, so 0.1897% go out per day
Susan: i think...
Susan: anyway, we can do this in excel
Susan: ok, there
Susan: i've made a thing that tells me how many lightbulbs go out on december 31st of year 2, given the number of percentage of lightbulbs that go out per day
Susan: we start with a million lightbulbs
Alan: what is the verdict
Susan: if 1% go out per day, then on dec 31st of year 2, approximately 6.5 lightbulbs will go out
Susan: so that's clearly too high, too many lightbulbs have gone out
Susan: if .5 go out per day, 129 go out
Susan: .25, 403
Susan: .125, 502
Susan: .01 we're down to 92 though, so that's too low
Susan: it's about .1370, is optimum
Susan: so now we need to reverse this
Susan: .137^365 =
Susan: excuse me, .137%, which is .00137
Susan: er, wait....
Susan: no, what we need to know is, .00137^X = .5
Susan: X = (log(2))/(log(100000/137))~~0.105135...
Susan: which means... the half life is... uhhh............. wait, something's wrong...
Susan: oh, i know
Susan: we need 1-0.00137, not just 0.00137
Susan: so, 0.99863^X=.5
Susan: X = (log(2))/(log(100000/99863))~~505.6...
Susan: so the lightbulb most likely has a half life of 505.6 days
Susan: which is considerably shorter than two years
Alan: even though i was there for every step of that i still have no idea how that came about
Susan: assuming my reasoning is correct and not too much error has crept into the calculations
Susan: two years is 730, 730/505.6 is 1.44383...
Susan: that's pretty close to 1/log(2), which may have something to do with it
Alan: you kids with the super math genes are way beyond me
Susan: i'm just using wolfram alpha
Susan: see, the cheap way to get a precise answer without calculus is to get a FAIRLY precise answer and then go, "hey, that's really close to 1/e" or something like that
Susan: and then reason backwards and say "yeah, 1/e makes sense..."
Alan: and that's mathematically sound?
Susan: well, if you can figure out WHY it's 1/e, then it is.
Alan: i see
Susan: but even if you can't, if it matches 1/e to seven decimal places, that's sound enough for me
Alan: yeah, that'd be very close to be a total coincidence
Susan: so, to return to the real world problem, we have SEVEN lights, ONE of which has gone out after 2 years...
Susan: but it's not worth calculating, because lightbulbs don't really have half-lives.

* ufo weirdness
Susan: most of his posts are kind of a sappy "coincidences are amazing" uselessness, but some of them are interesting
Susan: the odd thing is that i knew about him from an earlier blog which was just about his drawings, he does illustrations for climbing magazines and such
Susan: nothing to do with the paranormal at all
Susan: and then he kind of came out of the closet
Alan: it's funny that that's a kind of thing people feel they have to hide
Alan: i guess i do, too, though, i only talk about this stuff if someone asks me directly

* ufo weirdness
Susan: i like explaining things and arguing about things, but i get tired of it because i feel like i'm always on the informative end and the people i'm talking to have nothing to add to the discussion
Susan: i find most paranormal information is either really stupid theories that you can immediately tell don't hold water, or raw data which seems to go on and on endlessly without providing any kind of insight
Susan: after you've read a thousand UFO vehicle interference cases, reading a thousand more doesn't seem to add much to your understanding

* ufo weirdness
Susan: the podcast people don't think critically about anything, they just have a nice chat and a cup of tea and say "wow fascinating" about whatever nonsense gets dredged up this week
Alan: yeah, i listened to coast to coast for a while, but it got to the point where hardly any of the guests had any credibility
Susan: and they don't ask very good questions
Susan: it's always roswell this...
Susan: one time gordon freeman called in, complaining about the g-man following him around
Susan: they didn't realize it was a prank
Susan: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=biqnL84l85s
Alan: this is fantastic
Alan: if i didn't know anything about half-life this guy would seem just as legitimate as any other caller
Alan: that makes me wonder if every caller into coast to coast is pranking them

Alan: Woah, take it outside you two.
Kaylee: We ain't fighting, Paige tried to touch my privates.
Alan: Well, take that outside too.
Kaylee: No way, it's too cold

Noreen: i know you hate onions, Kaylee
Paige: she says onions hate her. hahaha!

Noreen: I didn't expect to like groundhog day, but i did!
Wilson: Why didn't you think you'd like it?
Noreen: Well, I somehow thought it would be like caddyshack.
Wilson: You've seen caddyshack?
Noreen: ...no...
Wilson: Then... what do you think CADDYSHACK is like?
Noreen: Well, it has tim conway in it....
Wilson: Who's that?
Noreen: He played an ensign on mccale's navy, before you were born.
Wilson: Is there anything I would know him from?
Noreen: Actually I'm not sure he's in caddyshack, I don't know...
Wilson: Well, ok, in this fictional caddyshack you imagine exists, with tim conway, what's that like?
Noreen: Tim conway has this thing, where he plays golf, but the camera only shows him from the knees up, and he has these fake shoes on his knees, so it's like he's really short, and oh, i don't know..... there's just all sorts of really stupid humor that's not funny at all and... everyone involved is embarassed to ever have done it.
Wilson: And why did you think groundhog day would be like this?
Noreen: Well, tim conway has buck teeth, and groundhogs have buck teeth......................

Noreen: who is it, then
Jennifer: just some idiot!
Noreen: it's a dog, not an idiot!
Jennifer: dogs are idiots
Noreen: idiots are people!
Jennifer: people are dogs
Noreen: that is ... .... ... the shocking truth?!

* star trek
Jennifer: ducat isn't even pretending to be a farmer anymore
Jennifer: frankly i think somebody should've recognized him by now, he still looks very similar even without his neck flaps
Alan: yeah, he does
Alan: wasn't kai winn's guard suspicious of him at some point
Jennifer: not suspicious enough!
Jennifer: well, they've tricked her into opening the big book of evil
Hawaii: uh-oh!
Jennifer: the purple helper guy is delivering the book
Jennifer: i find it quite amusing to imagine that it's the tuvaba
Jennifer: the ancient tome that when you open it, wry tuba notes play forever
Alan: that sounds like the worst book in existence
Jennifer: it looks like the evil book of evil is blank, so she needs the supplementary evil master codebook and breeder's guide to figure it out
Paige: I love the blank evil book. it'd make a good diary
Jennifer: that was a marx brothers joke, which you didn't get because you're culturally illiterate.

Jennifer: junior j. trumpet, inventor of the trumpet, must have left it there
Jennifer: he left a secret golden trumpet buried in every country, you know
Jennifer: if you find them all, you get an extra life and a special bonus ending scene

Noreen: did you hear?
Jennifer: yes
Jennifer: well, no
Jennifer: i've been living a lie... secretly, i'm deaf for two years now

Noreen: we don't have a 4th of july in canada
Jennifer: that's because you're godless, unpatriotic heathens
Noreen: i'm patriotic! i bought a little 99 cent flag at walgreens and waved it around all over the goddamn place!
Jennifer: that flag was upside down and on fire!

Noreen: what is "free chickens for everyone"
Noreen: or no
Noreen: "free chickens for life"
Jennifer: what!
Jennifer: what the hell are you trying to ask!
Noreen: is it a reference to an eddie izzard skit? it sounds like it...
Jennifer: i'm sorry, you have not only failed the game of jeopardy, you've also failed to not send your car careening off a steep cliff

Kaylee: i feel like MAKING somethin' today
Kaylee: really rolling up my sleeves and building somethin', with my own two hands
Kaylee: i'm thinkin'.....
Kaylee: your coffin
Jennifer: let's build a tomb to shut you up!
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: similar ideas
Jennifer: conflicting goals

Jennifer: do roosters caw on their own at sunrise?
Jennifer: or is that just an urban legend perpetrated by movies and cartoons set on farms
Kaylee: roosters CROW any old time they please
Kaylee: even at night
Kaylee: it's quite annoying
Jennifer: caw
Kaylee: no.
Jennifer: yes.
Jennifer: caw:
Noun
The hoarse raucous sound that is characteristic of a crow or similar bird.
Intransitive verb
Inflected forms: cawed, caw·ing, caws To utter such a hoarse raucous sound.
Etymology
Imitative.
Kaylee: roosters ain't crows, nor similar to them as birds go.
Jennifer: yes, but if roosters CROW, then they're imitating crows
Jennifer: and thus CAWing.
Kaylee: how can you be so uninformed about birds!?

Jennifer: kaylee doesn't even know what cheese curds ARE, can you believe that?
Hawaii: they're curds of cheese, what can't you understand?
Jennifer: she thinks it's like cottage cheese
Hawaii: crazy!
Jennifer: apparently cheese curds don't exist in texas
Hawaii: too much fat?
Wilson: i doubt that's why
Hawaii: texas: #1 fat freest state
Wilson: you made that up
Hawaii: are you sure?
Hawaii: it's only #....50... in obesity
Wilson: it's 14th
Wilson: colorado is the thinnest
Hawaii: but doesn't XXXXX live there?
Jennifer: yes
Jennifer: and she's like 14,000,000 pounds
Hawaii: but there are a lot of babies there too
Jennifer: what, in her belly?
Jennifer: taking up room?
Hawaii: no, in colorando
Wilson: being a baby doesn't count against the obesity statistics, babies can be obese too
Wilson: and one person weighing 14 million pounds wouldn't move the percentage of obesity any more than a person who weighed 300
Wilson: it isn't a measure of average weight...
Jennifer: you're a measure of stupid
Wilson: mississippi is the fattest
Jennifer: followed by colorado
Wilson: no, that's the thinnest!
Jennifer: followed by colorado again!
Wilson: colorado can't follow itself, that's nonsense!
Hawaii: it can if it's a circle
Wilson: it's not!
Wilson: it's a rectangle!
Hawaii: what if... we... go to bed?
Hawaii: you want me to, i can tell
Wilson: then i will still be right and you will still be WRONG WRONG WRONG!
Hawaii: well, that may be
Hawaii: but at least i'm not six inches tall

Jennifer: also, watch that episode of galaxy angel
Paige: ok
Jennifer: BUT DON'T USE THE ENGLISH SOUNDTRACK
Jennifer: BECAUSE
Jennifer: crows will come out of your computer.
Paige: ok
Jennifer: and don't watch the second episode
Paige: ok
Paige: is episode 2 the first one in here or the second
Jennifer: ...
Paige: i'm not sure why i just asked that

Paige: bread bowls are fine and all, but they've got nothing on... other bowls
Jennifer: yes, they do!
Jennifer: they're EDIBLE AND THEY'RE MADE OF DELICIOUS BREAD

Paige: anyhow, that's what ann landers has to say about it.
Paige: or this red book, anyhow
Jennifer: i don't like her either!
Paige: well, it wasn't actually her
Jennifer: or that red book!
Paige: it's just some jerk
Jennifer: or him!
Paige: her
Jennifer: or her!
Paige: her name is heather
Jennifer: I HATE EVERYTHING

Jennifer: how about "unstructured arguing"
Hawaii: that could work ok
Hawaii: you might get some annoying people, though
Jennifer: what could i possibly name the group such that i WOULDN'T get annoying people!

Noreen: how about some sort of "math monster" that only takes damage from mathematical equations?
Jennifer: that's the worst idea ever

Paige: also, it could be all those crazy french drawings are about some kind of aurora borealis thing
Paige: you know, all that crazy woodcut crap
Paige: from france
Paige: with the shit in the sky!
Susan: have you ever seen the aurora?
Paige: yeah
Susan: would you say it looks like a bunch of spheres and tubes and crosses and planks
Susan: and that bits of it crash into the countryside during the day?
Paige: yes
Susan: congratulations, you are a skeptical ufologist

Jennifer: i just logged into this computer and started synergy using only my foot
Alan: good job
Jennifer: what makes this especially difficult is that this user has a password, and this computer has no keyboard
Alan: i see
Jennifer: so i had to log in as a different user, open a document, copy and paste bits of the password together, then copy it, switch users, and paste it into the password field
Jennifer: using my foot
Jennifer: the mouse is on the floor, see
Jennifer: so, other solutions would've required getting up
Jennifer: also i'm wearing socks

Jennifer: frankly, the paaa wraith worshippers have a point about the prophets being assholes
Jennifer: by all accounts, they find humans and bajorans annoying and just ignore them whenever possible
Alan: "good" gods are treated that way a lot in fiction. Just uncaring, "our ways are mysterious, you cannot comprehend our inactions," crap
Alan: I guess things would be too easy if the protagonists could actually get the help of benevolent godlike beings on a regular basis
Jennifer: also, their claim to "exist outside of time" is utter bullshit. if they exist outside of time, how come sisko had to explain linear time to them? shouldn't they remember the conversation before they had it? why does anyone have to explain anything to them? why do they pressure people into doing things in cases where they know it's not going to work?
Alan: their ways are mysterious. You cannot comprehend their inactions.
Jennifer: i comprehend the writers' inability to write a functionally omniscient being correctly, partially because it would screw up the story and partially because they just plain don't know what they're doing
Jennifer: sisko's initial meeting with them was pretty damn stupid
Alan: yeah. I don't remember it too well, but I remember it being pretty dumb
Alan: a lot of the early episodes seemed pretty dumb
Jennifer: they were like "time? what is time? we don't understand it AT THIS POINT, so explain it to us and THEN, WHEN you're done, maybe we'll get it!"
Alan: It was a test
Alan: Psyche, we knew what time was the whole time, we just wanted to see if you could explain it to us
Jennifer: i mean, even if you backpedal and say that they exist in a sort of time-outside-time, that doesn't excuse their stupidity. Time-outside-time works the same way as regular time, it's just more meta. WE don't have any trouble understanding time-WITHIN-time, like say, rewinding and fast-forwarding an episode of star trek...
Alan: I dunno, though. If they didn't have a kind of linear time, they should know the explanation for it before it's finished, but they'd still have to hear it in some capacity to know it before it can be finished
Jennifer: no, they wouldn't
Alan: i mean, excusing the fact that they're stupid and don't know
Jennifer: they could just as well tell themselves how it works, they don't need sisko there at all
Alan: but if they exist in a sort of closed system where they don't have that information, they'd need something outside of their system to bring in that information
Jennifer: nope! time loops mean things don't need a proper origin.
Alan: I don't see how that would work
Jennifer: sure, it's a paradox, but looped time is paradox city, so what do you expect
Alan: I mean, they'd always have the information, but they'd still have to get it somehow!
Jennifer: they get it from themselves!
Jennifer: the information has no beginning any more than they themselves have a beginning

Paige: okay you win because I don't care anymore
Jennifer: HAHA
Jennifer: I WIN AGAIN
Jennifer: now BEGONE!

Jennifer: that's a pretty funky dance, paige
Jennifer: show me how you do it
Paige: Fuck you.
Jennifer: :O

* memory
Jennifer: did you go to space camp?
Izzy: yes
Izzy: christ, I didn't even remember that
Jennifer: did they have a mars simulation?
Izzy: no
Izzy: oh, wait, no I didn't
Izzy: what am I thinking...
Jennifer: you're crazy!
Izzy: well, no
Jennifer: you're crazier than XXXXX!

* native_american
Jennifer: "The Rez", coming soon to the new CW
Hawaii: that guy looks mopey!
Jennifer: there are a number of The Rez ads
Jennifer: the models look mopey in each one
Jennifer: my sister is a fan of a native american rapper who advocates killing people with tomahawks, though it's only by virtue of the fact that he runs with the insane clown posse and their stable of idiots
Hawaii: let's learn something GOOD about native americans!
Jennifer: they were pretty big advocates of mind-altering substances back when whitey was just busy fermenting his grains and whatnot
Wilson: you know, i don't really see how he could learn biology in his native language
Wilson: i don't think the hopi have a word for "nucleotide"
Jennifer: their word meaning "tiny earth mother circle, can't be seen by eyes" roughly means the same thing
Jennifer: it's pretty vague and all-encompassing, though
Jennifer: what with the spirits...
Jennifer: guys love their spirits, and also their personified animals

* podcast mbmbam
Jennifer: Jokes and chuckles and juks and chorks and mighty ducks

Jennifer: i wonder if science will ever give us a pill that lets us forget the first twenty minutes after we wake up each day

* irc
Jennifer: everyone on irc is terrible...
Jennifer: but i'm not sure how to begin the process of not going on there anymore

* dream
Hawaii: the biggest type of fake money was 1,264,254 fake dollars
Hawaii: the smallest one was blue
Wilson: what was it worth?
Hawaii: ¡una pistola de clavos no confiable flotando en el mar!
Wilson: which means?
Hawaii: an untrustworthy nailgun floating in the sea!

Jennifer: no, you'll have an antenna
Jennifer: it'll be wireless
Jennifer: also the computer can control your body while you're playing, and do simple activities for you
Jennifer: like getting on the bus or going to the bathroom
Paige: Jennifer or eating
Jennifer: or doing your menial job, or buying things at the store
Paige: so like
Paige: mmorpg addicts become even more ridiculous
Jennifer: eventually everyone will be an organic robot with their mind endlessly trapped in cyberland
Paige: it'd be like the matrix, except everyone knows about it and doesn't care
Paige: because they'd rather be SLAYING THE DRAGON
Paige: or running around in bullet time
Paige: or using 3d excel
Jennifer: one day they'll get whiny and say GOODBYE TO ALL MY ONLINE FRIENDS FOREVER and come back to their body to find they're a 60 year old alaskan bus driver who's wanted by the FBI
Paige: the future is awesome
Paige: i love it

Jennifer: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-986546360930341727&q=screaming+skull
Paige: why are you sending me something called screaming skull??! you're MEAN
Jennifer: it's not CALLED screaming skull!
Jennifer: it's just what was in the search box
Paige: the url has those words
Paige: well, IS it one?
Jennifer: no, no...
Paige: is it a screaming ZOMBIE?
Jennifer: there's no screaming!
Jennifer: i mean, probably
Jennifer: i admit i haven't watched it all the way through
Paige: well, will it scare me?
Jennifer: nooooooooo
Paige: is that a cute no, or a real no?
Jennifer: a real no
Jennifer: there's nothing scary in it
Paige: oh, ok
Jennifer: except for a screaming skull about halfway through...
Paige: really??
Jennifer: no, no
Jennifer: i'm just kidding
Paige: well, i already closed it
Paige: is it funny?
Paige: it started off slow
Jennifer: it's just bing crosby and david bowie singing the little drummer boy
Jennifer: it's kind of awkward, not really funny
Paige: ...sounds great
Paige: so did you just send it cuz it came up under screaming skull?
Jennifer: the random screaming skull does spice it up a bit, yes
Paige: wait, so IS THERE A SKULL
Jennifer: no, no!
Paige: ?! so what are you talking about
Jennifer: i'm just KIDDING!
---
Paige: hahahaha
Paige: wow im so gullible :/
Jennifer: in reality, there was no skull
Paige: hehe yea
Jennifer: except for the one RIGHT BEHIND YOU!
Paige: ewww!

Paige: but yeah, he COULD be a rapist
Paige: but he's not very efficient cuz he answered me so slowly
Jennifer: he's a disorganized rapist
Paige: i guess he could just be catching up on rapes as people answer the ad

Jennifer: you know, the halloween tortoise
Paige: ????
Jennifer: he has a shopping cart full of giant poisonous bugs and rotten vegetables
Jennifer: he hucks them at cars and stuff
Paige: what!
Jennifer: ????????
Paige: i have NO idea what youre talking about!
Jennifer: he's the halloween equivalent of santa claus or the easter bunny!
Jennifer: did your parents not let you celebrate halloween or something?
Paige: no, youre lying
Paige: theres no way you can convince me of THIS one Jennifer
Paige: tortoise? REALLY??
Jennifer: well what is it, then!
Jennifer: who is halloween about if not the halloween tortoise!
Paige: thats like saying who is new years eve about
Jennifer: baby new year!

Jennifer: when we were kids, when we'd go to bed before a holiday, we'd always ask my dad how the holiday figure got in
Jennifer: obviously santa comes through the chimney
Jennifer: but we'd ask "how does the easter bunny get in?"
Jennifer: and he'd say "he goes hippity-hop, hippity-hop, hippity-hop, hippity-hop"
Paige: awww
Jennifer: and on the fourth of july, we'd ask "how does uncle sam get in?"
Jennifer: and he'd grab us by the shoulders and say "he goes GIMMIE THE MONEY! GIMMIE THE MONEY!!"
Paige: did he really say that???
Jennifer: he did
Paige: did you guys think that was funny?
Jennifer: we were scared at the time, but then, we had a lot of growing up to do
Paige: shut up

* anime
Jennifer: in this episode, gash enters carrying a giant fish to feed to kiyomaro
Jennifer: only to find that kiyomaro's nose has grown two feet long
Jennifer: and now he's drooling at the thought of eating the fish
Jennifer: and now they're devouring the fish together, messily
Jennifer: the real kiyomaro is taped to the ceiling
Alan: why does he wear a dress, anyhow
Jennifer: no one knows, he has amnesia
Alan: what a horrible little thing
Jennifer: even kiyomaro's not-girlfriend doesn't realize he's been replaced with a long-nosed, pretty-eyed imposter
Jennifer: or that he's taped to the ceiling, for that matter
Jennifer: now that he's down from the ceiling, they still don't believe him
Jennifer: and now the fake kiyomaro has turned into a hideous child with a duck bill for a mouth
Jennifer: it seems he's italian
Jennifer: it seems the italian duck-billed kid is owned by david bowie, and that it was david bowie who nailed kiyomaro to the ceiling before leaving to "go make friends" with a lot of japanese girls
Jennifer: during this flashback we cut to an odd looking horse running across a playground for no apparent reason
Alan: i doubt that any of this made it to the american version...
Jennifer: oh, it seems the italian duck-billed demon child shapeshifter thing has a kangaroo pocket on his pajamas
Jennifer: which is bottomless
Jennifer: and contains infinite candy
Jennifer: david bowie is still not back yet, so they're all just staring at each other in awkward silence
Jennifer: the duck-child is eating candy in front of them, but not letting them have any
Jennifer: much to their consternation
Jennifer: ordinarily they'd be killing him right now, with lightning and bullet time and such, but i guess they're just too confused
Jennifer: i lied about it being david bowie, it's actually just some jerk
Jennifer: he has a CD titled "groping breasts"
Jennifer: with a picture of him doing just that on the cover
Jennifer: and now he's going to dance for them
Jennifer: the lyrics to his songs are entirely about breasts
Jennifer: "mope mope mope, grope grope grope"
Alan: that song describes my life perfectly
Jennifer: he has now turned into a giant cannon
Jennifer: after they've electrocuted parco three or four times
Jennifer: the cannon doesn't shoot anything though
Jennifer: the duck boy has crawled up kiyomaro's pants
Jennifer: he's threatening to put a clothespin on gash's wee-wee
Jennifer: oh, i forgot to mention, during the non-combat parco learned a new spell which made the duck boy become very small and even more useless than before
Jennifer: now he's been magnetized
Alan: they must have simply started over from scratch when translating this show for the US version

Alan: i should go up to Toys"R"Us today
Alan: just to see what kind of toys i can appropriate for my own musings, you know?
Alan: i want to find some sort of recording device...
Alan: i wonder if kids even HAVE something like that these days
Jennifer: they don't, because it would violate the DMCA

Jennifer: doing a candid camera show on the internet would cost virtually nothing
Noreen: would the legal stuff be handled the same way as tv?
Jennifer: it would be handled by running away quickly
Jennifer: we'd have to think of good gags though
Jennifer: any ideas?
Noreen: let me... think... think thunk
Noreen: how about just standing at a distance and throwing popcorn at someone
Noreen: no? then how about THIS can of worms
Noreen: i can't think of anything actually
Noreen: brain's too broken

Jennifer: guess the lowest positive integer that doesn't have its own wikipedia page
Noreen: uhh
Noreen: minus two
Noreen: wait
Jennifer: i said positive!

Noreen: subway's more expensive here than there, though
Noreen: by a lot
Noreen: so many of your subs are only $5
Noreen: your fast food is cheap, since it's subsidised to hell, no doubt
Jennifer: emily is afraid of subways
Hawaii: why
Jennifer: because she believes they're real subway entrances, and she saw a movie where lava came out of the subway
Hawaii: that could be pretty scary!
Jennifer: she's a firefighter, see
Jennifer: so lava is her biggest fear, because it's a fire that nothing can put out
Hawaii: rocks can?
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: probably?
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: what about sand?
Jennifer: it will melt it.
Hawaii: what about.....
Hawaii: steel?
Jennifer: melt.
Hawaii: hardwood?
Jennifer: yes, hardwood will put out lava.
Jennifer: but where are you going to get any in this day and age?
Hawaii: i have some in my house
Hawaii: i can donate it
Jennifer: that's nice of you
Hawaii: i do what i can!

Izzy: what is the lifespan of a good LED, anyway
Izzy: I know it isn't forever
Jennifer: Is it... forever?
Izzy: I don't think so
Izzy: then again, maybe it is

Jennifer: name as many people with red hair, real or fictional, as you can, go! GO GO GO!!!!!!1111
Izzy: scarlett johannsen
Izzy: anastasia
Izzy: the.. .end..
Jennifer: that was the most pathetic display i've ever seen.

* anime hare+guu
Izzy: I wonder what my problem with jungle wa itsumo hale nochi guu was at first glance
Izzy: something about it was really pissing me off
Jennifer: you were all like, ANIMEPOOBAH SAID IT DIDN'T LIVE UP TO ITS PROMISE!!
Izzy: well, there was THAT, but his main criticism was that it was repetitive
Izzy: I guess my problem is that hale feels like watching myself
Izzy: he's this needlessly anxious, completely impotent little man
Izzy: he may or may not be the smartest guy in the room, he doubts himself constantly but he's sure he's at least good and important
Wilson: the deck is stacked against him, though
Izzy: he's very, very thoughtful, especially for a television character
Izzy: there's an incredible number of scenes of just him thinking
Izzy: and then it always plays out against him, is the joke
Izzy: hale is thinking, thinking, thinking, and it always ends with his terrible scream and awkward explanations and running around and then silence

Jennifer: your ex-girlfriend is on the phone
Jennifer: she says she slept with an australian
Izzy: i've never had a girlfriend
Jennifer: she's from the future
Jennifer: it's a time phone
Izzy: oh
Izzy: ask her if i change my name to "Zorny Q. Bilgerats"
Jennifer: i can't, it would violate the temporal prime directive
Jennifer: i could change future history
Izzy: oohhhhh wellll
Izzy: can't... you.. just.. this once...
Jennifer: no!
Jennifer: in fact, you're fired for just suggesting that
Izzy: >=(
Jennifer: fired from starfleet
Izzy: you can't fire me
Izzy: i quit
Jennifer: i can still fire you...
Jennifer: out of a cannon!

Izzy: i can't think of anything to do or write or anything! Argh
Jennifer: here, i have something that will cheer you up
Jennifer: 
Izzy: i....................... hate................. you.................................

Izzy: one of these days i'm probably going to turn into an innsmouth fishman and flop from phoenix to the pacific ocean
Izzy: where i'll tragically discover that i'm not a saltwater fish...
Jennifer: oh, you'll probably flop into a swimming pool first
Jennifer: the suburbs around phoenix are like one of those tilt-a-marble mazes with all the holes in it

Izzy: what's the quickest way to get cancer
Izzy: pancreatic cancer, preferably
Jennifer: sticking your head in a microwave
Izzy: that would give me the wrong kind of cancer!
Jennifer: sticking your pancreas in a microwave
Izzy: there we go
Wilson: why do you want pancreatic cancer?
Izzy: it's the least curable kind of cancer
Izzy: although that's probably just because it doesn't show as many early symptoms

Jennifer: look, i made you an okcupid profile!
Izzy: thanks for giving me no reason to live
Jennifer: so far no girls have responded to your advances!
Jennifer: it would probably help if i didn't make the subject line "i like big butts and i cannot lie"

Izzy: one of the secrets says $600 in chair
Izzy: but which chair?
Izzy: oh well
Jennifer: better cut them all open with an x-acto blade to find out
Izzy: too bad they're all in florida
Izzy: i'll have to tell my family to do it
Izzy: what's the date on this note...
Izzy: 17 January 2007
Izzy: that's before we moved to the smaller house
Izzy: i wonder if it's a chair that's still sitting in the big horrible house
Jennifer: why did you hide $600 in a chair
Izzy: i don't know
Izzy: i don't even remember it
Izzy: maybe i already took it out
Jennifer: you have a terrible memory!
Izzy: well, ESPECIALLY about money
Izzy: apparently i've lost $2000 that way
Izzy: when my mom told me to put money away for safekeeping on two separate occasions
Jennifer: by hiding it in furniture like a squirrel?
Izzy: personally i think she forgot too, though, and it's only ONE occasion
Jennifer: you know, there are these things called BANKS
Izzy: yeah, really!
Izzy: anyway, i was just following her directions...

Hawaii: XXXXX's been hanging out with a bad crowd!
Hawaii: i think you should have a talk with her!
Jennifer: what's their poison
Jennifer: fursuit orgies?
Hawaii: yes!
Hawaii: they dress up as mice and eat cheese!
Hawaii: cheese is tylanol and heroin.
Hawaii: "j'adore le fromage" they say
Hawaii: which means i love cheese!
Hawaii: plus, they hang out in front of the mall
Hawaii: PKing anyone who comes out and taking their loot!
Jennifer: but that's strictly a PVE zone! that's completely verboten!

Jennifer: drupe day is retarded
Jennifer: everyone who has ever participated in it should be shot
Jennifer: including you!
Wilson: drupe day is an important tradition!
Jennifer: boo!
Jennifer: well, i really don't care if anyone participates in it
Wilson: you think you're such a rebel? For not participating?
Jennifer: that's their own stupid prerogative!
Jennifer: no, i think that i just don't care to! because it's stupid
Jennifer: but what's even more stupid is that i'm BANNED for not participating in it
Wilson: the whole point is that people HAVE to! It's like allcaps!
Wilson: the fascism is central to the holiday!
Jennifer: the whole point is that it's an idiot parade started by idiots and maintained by idiots who should all be shot and murdered!
Wilson: well, what isn't!
Jennifer: NOTHING!

Jennifer: i noticed the sandwich stuff in its box nearby, and repeated, over and over again, to my sister "wanna make sammiches?"
Jennifer: the older of my sisters, i mean
Jennifer: the younger sister continued to do her weird dance and giggle routine, aimlessly, as we approached
Jennifer: it became increasingly clear, in the hazy darkness, between my offering of sammiches and my sister's strange facial contortions and happy murmurings, that my brother was not here at all
Jennifer: this was a very dark realization for that older sister, who suddenly realized she was in a scene that looked like a nightmare
Jennifer: it finally turned out the younger sister had actually just stuck an entire doughnut in her mouth, and my brother was elsewhere
Wilson: how do you know it was a dark realization for her
Jennifer: well, she punched me in the stomach, repeating, "wanna make sammiches? WANNA MAKE SAMMICHES?" and i'd already noticed it was completely nightmarish to me, and i was one of the participants

Wilson: demons and robots don't have ghosts
Jennifer: yes they do
Jennifer: and when you set up camp, they perform traditional spirit music for you
Jennifer: on the ghostophone and the ectobass
Jennifer: anddd...
Jennifer: you know.
Wilson: the soul harp
Jennifer: we're moving away from that now
Susan: the spirit organ
Wilson: the phantomodian
Susan: the phantasmola
Wilson: the ghoul drum
Susan: the sliding wraithbone
Wilson: the spookordian
Susan: the hauntsichord
Wilson: the oboo

Wilson: i think the big reason people hate jews is that it's just so much fun
Wilson: i don't really know why
Wilson: but i mean, we even hate ourselves
Jennifer: you've got bobby fischer syndrome, clearly
Wilson: it's our shtick
Wilson: the whole new testament is basically about how much the jews suck, and everyone should hate them
Wilson: and they wrote it.
Jennifer: YOU wrote it, you raving anti-semite!
Wilson: blasphemy
Wilson: my gospel is the necrowilsoncon
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: necroJessicacon works far better

* crossword tv
Wilson: when i get up, i eat breakfast, read my RSS feeds and such, and then think to myself "now to start the day!"
Wilson: but then i realize i don't do anything
Jennifer: yeah...
Jennifer: my breakfast was ramen. now i'm doing crosswords and watching simpsons streams

Wilson: hmm
Wilson: if i go on a date with [], i will probably show up in her comic.
Jennifer: hey, yeah, that would be hilarious

Susan: help me make a list of good platformer upgrades
Jennifer: raccoon tail
Susan: and what does that do
Jennifer: it makes you jump extra far! DUHHH
Susan: that makes no sense
Jennifer: it made enough sense for them to make that concept alone the front cover of the best selling video game of all time
Jennifer: are you going to argue with shigeru miyamoto on this, susan
Susan: let's see, a flying italian plumber with raccoon accessories...... i'm pretty sure that doesn't make any sense at all.
Jennifer: well, you see, he's a tanuki
Jennifer: and tanukis can FLY
Susan: but they don't fly with their TAILS, do they
Susan: they fly with their giant balls!
Jennifer: that's true
Susan: and THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE EITHER

Jennifer: everyone was constantly blibbering and blabbering about how much data the large hadron collider was going to produce
Jennifer: and what do we have to show for it?
Wilson: miniature black holes.
Jennifer: besides that!

* microsoft
Jennifer: let's go to steve ballmer's house and play practical jokes on him
Jennifer: actually we can't, can we
Jennifer: there are lasers
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: according to wikipedia, he doesn't live in a house, either
Jennifer: but instead in something called the "ballmerdome"
Jennifer: i like to imagine that it's just a giant version of those ball pits you see in indoor playgrounds
Jennifer: he plays in it constantly, and if you visit him, he says "HEY, COME ON IN! WATER'S FINE! NO SNAKES!"

* microsoft
Jennifer: the ballermerdome is what he calls his head
Jennifer: if you ask him a difficult question he'll say "uh, hmm, hold on, let me get the ballmerdome in gear"
Jennifer: and tap his head to indicate that he's referring to his brain
Jennifer: then he'll get pumped up
Jennifer: by shadowboxing and running around and throwing chairs
Jennifer: and eventually jump out a plate glass window

* microsoft
Jennifer: the ballermerdome is the full-sized basketball court he keeps out back
Jennifer: rap people often come by to challenge him at hoops

* movies
Jennifer: i saw cloverfield and juno
Jennifer: in alternate universes
Jennifer: universes in which their show times fit my busy schedule
Wilson: how'd you like those
Jennifer: i don't know, you'll have to ask Jennifer prime and Jennifer double prime

Jennifer: you know what's weird?
Jennifer: all the kids at my old elementary school know my name
Jennifer: i haven't been there in over a decade, yet somehow little kids i've never met recognize me
Wilson: That is strange. What were you doing there?
Jennifer: they were having a christmas... thing..
Jennifer: it's a crazy communist elementary school without desks or anything, see
Jennifer: and it's attached to a sort of co-op
Jennifer: they had free christmas cookies and frosting
Jennifer: so i was eating cookies and frosting.
Jennifer: it's mostly separate though, that's the upstairs part, the school rooms are all on the lower level
Jennifer: but kids are always wandering out
Jennifer: i guess my reputation precedes me
Jennifer: a little girl came upstairs crying and complaining that a horse pooped on her head
Jennifer: i didn't see any horse poop on her head though, so it must've not've been literal

Wilson: that's the worst thing about conspiracy theorists, their crazy thoughts just loop into each other and build into a giant crazy horrible mess
Jennifer: oh really?
Jennifer: then how do you explain
Jennifer: THIS
Jennifer: [invisible rectangular spike ball_s.gif]
Wilson: well.. there.. there are a number of rational explanations for that!

Wilson: when has there ever been a beaver named "smacky"?
Wilson: not that i'm saying there HASN'T, but...
Hawaii: beavers smack their tails to attract mates!
Wilson: no, they don't.
Jennifer: if i was an animal show host, i'd claim everything animals do is to attract mates
Jennifer: even mating itself

Jennifer: Sufficiently small animals cannot be hurt in a fall from any height: A monkey is too big, a squirrel is on the edge, but a mouse is completely safe.
Wilson: from any height, eh
Jennifer: any height!
Jennifer: you could throw them out of an airplane!!!
Wilson: :O
Jennifer: imagine if we were like that
Wilson: that'd be great
Jennifer: if you misbehaved in an airplane, they could just throw you out!
Jennifer: and your crying baby too!
Wilson: i wonder if people would still have fears of heights
Jennifer: i'm sorry ma'am, but your daughter was kicking the back of this gentleman's seat. I have to throw her out of the airplane.
Jennifer: and imagine how it would be for the ground observer
Jennifer: you're just walking along the street when WHAM some little girl falls out of the sky in front of you
Jennifer: and gets up and says "what are you looking at, fag?"
Susan: atriums and such would be more common, and railings less.
Susan: because why walk down stairs when you can just drop?
Susan: that's how I do it in dreams.
Hawaii: what's an atrium?
Jennifer: what IS an atrium?
Wilson: webster knows
Wilson: a : a rectangular open patio around which a house is built b : a many-storied court in a building (as a hotel) usually with a skylight
Jennifer: it'd be funny to go up to the roof of a building with a box of mice and dump them on somebody
Jennifer: preferably somebody with a horrible fear of mice

Jennifer: i've never talked to a girl my age
Jennifer: you see, i was born on a leap year during y2k
Jennifer: in a period of phantom time known as "the end of the loop"
Jennifer: i'm already dead
Wilson: that's one of the better things you've made up in the middle of a conversation

* mtg
Jennifer: want to play magical cards?
Hawaii: how do i play?
Jennifer: you get some magical cards...
Jennifer: 60, to be exact
Jennifer: then it gets complicated
Hawaii: where can i get magical cards?
Jennifer: the magical card store

Jennifer: i'm so bored
Hawaii: me too
Jennifer: let's form a mutual boredom society
Jennifer: i'll be the president
Hawaii: i'll be secretary of state
Hawaii: failing that, secretary of finance
Jennifer: it's a society, not a country
Hawaii: how about president of treasure, then
Jennifer: that's not even a real title
Hawaii: well why not
Hawaii: i guard the treasury
Hawaii: i'm a level 40 tauren elite
Jennifer: you can be the treasurER
Jennifer: how about that
Hawaii: no
Hawaii: i'm no "prize" to be won
Jennifer: that's not what it means

Jennifer: yeah, your whole head fell off
Jennifer: into an vat
Jennifer: of
Jennifer: chlorine
Hawaii: I hate chlorine!!!!!

Jennifer: hale notchi guu doesn't really have your standard scenes wherein the supernatural is revealed to be more human that it appears on the surface
Jennifer: which is a pretty big staple of most such shows
Jennifer: take beetlejuice, for examply
Jennifer: every single plot was like...... BEETLEJUICE, A DEMON FROM HELL.... but he has to do his LAUNDRY, wonk wonk!
Jennifer: here come his in-laws!

* drugs
Jennifer: these lsd trip reports all suck

Jennifer: the bandit of parrot cove has been found
Jennifer: turns out it was your cousin, mimsy larkins

Jennifer: i think that was funnier but I don't recall laughing out loud
Wilson: what's with you people and laughing out loud...
Jennifer: I don't laugh out loud very much
Wilson: no, i mean as a metric of whether things are funny
Jennifer: well, if something's very funny, it makes a person laugh out loud generally
Wilson: it gives me the impression your higher brain functions aren't even engaged, and you're just idly recording the amount of laughter your mouth produces as you stare at the screen with a glazed expression
Jennifer: I think laughter is a good indicator of whether or not most people find something funny
Wilson: laughter is typically produced by immediate humor, things like somebody making a face, while slower, more continuous humor may not provoke any outwards signs of amusement at all
Wilson: for this reason, something dull with occational jokes can make someone laugh quite a lot more than something actually quite good all the way through
Wilson: it's not too hard to find something on tv that both makes us laugh and simultainiously bores us to tears
Wilson: there are many cheap ways to get people to laugh
Wilson: most basic is the laugh track
Wilson: people laugh more when other people are laughing
Wilson: but does it actually makes things funnier?
Wilson: my point is, the amount of laughter produced by something is a very crude metric for how funny it is
Wilson: whenever i hear people say they "didn't laugh once" when attempting to somehow prove something isn't funny, it irritates me
Jennifer: i see that
Wilson: if you were to take the time to compile a list of the top ten funniest movies you've seen, and santa claus mailed you an objective list of the movies you laughed the most at, how do you think they would match up?
Jennifer: well, no, you make a good point about that

* goat
Jennifer: there are no goats in arizona!
Jennifer: not a SINGLE ONE!
Jennifer: we've evolved far beyond the need for such simple creatures!

* anime tv
Hawaii: if you eat a carrot, a green pepper, and milk at the same time, it knocks you unconscious and the ninninman is summoned!
Jennifer: also a diaper wearing green pepper gremlin and a sexy milk gremlin
Kaylee: anime is the single worst thing in the world.
Jennifer: the episode opens with a giant cuttlefish forcing the girl to eat a carrot in a bowl of milk
Jennifer: a SEXY cuttlefish!
Jennifer: i wonder if carrots and milk is a stereotypical bad food combination in japan
Kaylee: it ain't a good food combination anywhere!
Jennifer: there was also a smartcar in this episode, though it did not feature prominently

Jennifer: one day a tribunal will make you pay for your countless crimes.

* fragment
Jennifer: weeeeeeeelllll
Jennifer: the deed is done.
Jennifer: it's over, jeroc. shinnok is dead.

Jennifer: iiiiiiiiiiiii
Jennifer: need to pee...
Jennifer: what does your 'science' have to say about THAT?

* AT&T SAM phone
Jennifer: better to go to that store than the other AT&T store, though
Jennifer: last time i went there, i yelled "AT&T: Your world, delivered... to the NSA!" as i left.

Noreen: you could go to the park and watch the fall colors
Wilson: there are no deciduous trees here
Jennifer: just air puppets and quail!

Wilson: at some point we'll be able to fit the whole internet on one disc
Hawaii: then what will we do?
Jennifer: post youtube videos in which we stick the internet in a microwave

Jennifer: and some shrekfast
Jennifer: which is the new meal between midnight snack and breakfast
Jennifer: sponsored by shrek
Jennifer: the meal also physically consists of shrek
Jennifer: rather than simply plaster his face on various unrelated items, they now sell his very flesh and blood, like jesus
Wilson: is it also pressed into cracker form, like jesus?
Wilson: only green?
Jennifer: no, it comes in cubes
Wilson: by the pound?
Jennifer: yes
Jennifer: although the 10 pound cubes are cheaper, of course
Jennifer: the 50 pound cubes are animate, so i wouldn't advise getting one of those

Jennifer: i only know the chip'n'dale mmorpg version of the song
Wilson: i remember that
Wilson: it just recycled tons of footage from the NES game
Jennifer: some - times
Jennifer: some - crimes
Jennifer: go slippin' in the trash but
Jennifer: these - two
Jennifer: leet - dudes
Jennifer: are roxoring your ass
Wilson: that game was special because if you didn't have two people playing it, you had to constantly carry the other chipmunk around
Jennifer: there's no place to build or camp a spawn but you know what else is on
Jennifer: ch-ch-ch-chip'n'dale's
Jennifer: mmorpg
Jennifer: ch-ch-ch-chip'n'dale's
Jennifer: when you're hungry!
Wilson: how on earth did you manage to remember all that?
Jennifer: well, that's a good question

Wilson: I would like drawing/writing just about any comic for a living.
Wilson: Even if I was just the fiftieth artist-for-hire for Hagar the Horrible or Blondie.
Jennifer: you can draw, though
Jennifer: i would most likely get fired in short order
Jennifer: i could draw... let's see..
Jennifer: momma...
Jennifer: crock
Jennifer: i could draw crock
Jennifer: actually i could probably draw most newspaper strips perfectly well until someone noticed i was cutting and pasting
Wilson: They probably never would.

* planetron book
Jennifer: also i had a picture book you would listen to as you read it
Jennifer: on a tape
Jennifer: it was called PLANETRON
Jennifer: who was a robot/spaceship who came to earth to teach a random stupid kid about science and planets and stuff
Jennifer: all fun and games, right?
Wilson: entirely innocent
Jennifer: but there was a sequel, PLANETRON BEYOND THE SOLAR SYSTEM
Jennifer: and see, planetron has an FTL drive, faster than light, so he can go very fast
Jennifer: they're checking out a black hole, and planetron thinks they can get pretty close safely
Jennifer: but something goes horribly wrong
Jennifer: and their voices staarrtt  ggeettttiiinnnggg   dddiiissssttttoooorrrrttttteeeeeddddddd
Jennifer: the pictures show planetron getting warped into a banana shape
Wilson: that's pretty horrifying
Jennifer: also there was another book by the same author called HELLO MARS
Wilson: that one sounds much less horrifying
Jennifer: which takes place in the future, and it's about this boy from earth who goes to a colony on mars, and everybody hates him because he's a useless idiot, especially this girl from the moon who's better than him at everything and calls him "groundhog" because he's a clumsy idiot
Jennifer: hilarious!
Jennifer: there's one scene especially i liked where he's floating stupidly through this giant, enormous foyer of this space station, fucking things up as usual
Jennifer: potted plant in the corner...

* dream
Wilson: in the osaka one, i lived in an apartment building and i had accidentally locked myself outside in the warm rain without shoes or a coat
Wilson: but she lived in the same building and let me back in

Wilson: Darwin says there is no greater anomaly in nature than a bird that cannot fly.
Jennifer: darwin was WRONG
Susan: what about that bird with the four foot corkscrewing penis?
Jennifer: ABOUT EVERYTHING
Jennifer: NAME ONE THING HE WAS CORRECT ABOUT
Jennifer: wait, what?
Jennifer: what the hell?
Jennifer: what bird is this?
Susan: the uh-
Jennifer: SEE! YOU LIE! LIARS LYING AND THE LIES WHO TELL THEM!
Susan: argentine lake duck
Susan: http://www.abc.net.au/science/news/enviro/EnviroRepublish_366856.htm
Jennifer: oh yeah! i remember seeing that in google when i searched for LONGEST PENIS EVER
Jennifer: for... research

Jennifer: face it, Wilson, it's time for a cultural revolution!
Jennifer: gather up your history books and take them out to the killing fields! and then take the villagers out to the killing fields, too!
Jennifer: or maybe the killing fields isn't a literal place, i don't remember
Wilson: it's a starcraft map
Jennifer: the point is that it happened, it's sad, and we have to move on now.

Jennifer: well, it would be something productive to do
Jennifer: and you're always whining about productivity!
Jennifer: you're like the little pointy haired boss, only insaner!
Jennifer: insanier
Jennifer: acme looniversity
Wilson: i'm not sure i consider plunking away on a banjo to be productive
Jennifer: well maybe you SHOULD!
Jennifer: before baron von banjomeister beats you to death
Jennifer: that's my alliterative quota for the day

Jennifer: they do in britain
Jennifer: during red nose day
Jennifer: that's the day when the government mandates that everyone buys a red nose, to aid relief efforts in sudan
Wilson: i know
Jennifer: they come in car size
Wilson: i'm the one who told you!
Jennifer: sometimes prince charles just drives around in a car shaped like a red nose
Wilson: now you're lying
Jennifer: it splurts blood everywhere when he honks the horn, as a symbol of the bloodshed that runs rampant in sudan
Jennifer: he honks it quite often, on every street corner

Jennifer: space ghost is interviewing the cartoon esurance girl
Wilson: on his show, or an esurance ad?
Jennifer: an esurance ad
Jennifer: sponsored by adult swim, anyhow
Jennifer: they often whore themselves out to the higher bidder
Jennifer: which is most often japanese whaling interests
Wilson: they can't really be sponsoring it if they're the ones being paid...
Jennifer: put together by adult swim, rather
Jennifer: in-house
Jennifer: an in-house ad
Jennifer: playing alongside the bumpers
Jennifer: made by williams street
Jennifer: and advertising other assholes' crap

Wilson: it's the czech republic now
Jennifer: czechoslovakia is just czech for 'czech republic'
Wilson: no, it isn't.

Jennifer: plus there's a large spider that's been hanging out near the copier lately and i'm not sure i trust him yet
Jennifer: paige argued that this actually isn't a large spider, because she'll argue about absolutely anything
Wilson: well, i'm afraid she's right
Wilson: that's a medium spider
Jennifer: that's fair...
Jennifer: she said it was tiny, though, and THAT'S definitely not accurate

Jennifer: here, watch the movie adaptation of Prince of Persia
Jennifer: it's one of the single worst things i've seen in a few years
Wilson: i watched the animated prince of egypt
Wilson: i'm sure it's basically the same
Jennifer: one of them probably featured more songs, but who can say which
Wilson: teaching you that..... there can be miracles, if you believe
Wilson: and that the egyptian gods are dumb and fake, and yawheh is real
Jennifer: obviously! just look at the plague upon your firstborns, you shithead heathens!
Wilson: truely, a baby-killing miracle
Wilson: really, the only good part in prince of egypt was the beginning of the "playing with the big boys" song
Jennifer: i'm not sure i've seen any of those cel animation dreamworks films
Jennifer: i did see... Antz
Wilson: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3fvr589x9s&feature=player_detailpage#t=166s
Jennifer: who the hell starred in this film, even
Jennifer: i was wondering that the other day when i saw a screen capture of it on reddit
Hawaii: moses!
Jennifer: no, the actual actors!
Wilson: i have no idea
Wilson: i was forced to watch it as a child
Jennifer: youtube indicates that val kilmer and ralph fiennes played the leads
Jennifer: those are bizarre choices in absolutely any year, let alone 1998...
Wilson: never heard of them
Jennifer: steve martin as 'hotep'...
Jennifer: i hate this song.
Wilson: it's just the first three and a half minutes that i like
Wilson: the rest of the song is crap
Wilson: it would've been a better movie if they had just gone on listing egyptian deities in a threatening manner until they were cut off by the credits
Wilson: i wonder what the critical reception would've been
Jennifer: that would be like what gilgamesh did, though that was only due to the latter half of that story's stone tablets being lost in a storm of who-gives-a-hooey

Jennifer: quick, what's the most obscene muppet?
Wilson: animal?
Jennifer: incorrect. it's the swedish chef, due to the fact that he is technically a human/muppet hybrid.
Wilson: and that's obscene, is it?
Jennifer: why the hell wouldn't it be! it's not a matter of miscegenation, it's that there's no possible way that he should even exist!
Jennifer: although, come to think of it, a pretty good muppet character would be a human head on a muppet body
Wilson: that's pretty obscene
Susan: what about the HIV positive muppet in the african sesame street? HIV, as leonard richardson pointed out, is a human disease, and ergo she must've received it from her puppeteer
Jennifer: well, that's slightly more understandable
Jennifer: the arms operating muppets represent the spark of divinity within them all
Jennifer: and also, you know, the potential for disease
Wilson: you can't get HIV from an arm!
Wilson: unless it was jesus's arm, because he has a hole in his hand
Wilson: so, i guess you're right.
Jennifer: *sage nod, cigar, lean back in chair*

Wilson: what's your favorite resturant
Jennifer: ohhhhhhhh, it's a super pedestrian choice, but red lobster, i suppose
Jennifer: seafood is the best food on earth, you see...
Jennifer: if it doesn't come from the sea, don't put it by me! that's my personal motto

Susan: middle class people tend to consume with an eye on the big picture, at least in terms of how all their stuff fits together. they don't just buy a thing and a thing and another thing, they buy a lamp that would be good in the den and a digital projector because they think having a TV sitting there is ugly, and so on
Susan: it's still endless and basically pointless, but it just puts a house in flux rather than filling it up like sombody failing at tetris
Wilson: that's a surprisingly good point

Wilson: that article DOES NOT EXIST
Jennifer: wikipedia is the free, open source, standards-compliant encyclopedia! it's only as powerful as you make it!

* politics
Jennifer: you know, electing the antichrist was a big dramatic thing, but it felt a little silly when we RE-elected the antichrist
Jennifer: and then four years later, got a new president because of term limits
Wilson: the antichrist didn't get anything done until the second term, anyhow

Susan: you know what annoys me?
Susan: children's drawings in movies and on TV
Susan: they're all clearly drawn by adult professionals pretending to draw like children
Susan: would it have been so hard to just have a kid draw it? do these directors think that we, the viewers, cannot tell how fake it is?
Susan: and it's not just drawings, it's every creative endeavor purportedly undertaken by children
Susan: the worst fake children's play is better lit, better acted, and better costumed than any real children's play i have ever seen
Wilson: all with the felt
Wilson: lots of felt
Wilson: and fake blood done frugally with strips of red ribbon
Susan: everything about them WORKS, albeit in an "unintentionally adorable" way
Susan: even the children who are supposed to be bad actors are only actor children acting like bad actors, and they don't do it right
Susan: they just stand still, facing the audience, and read their lines in a monotone, or overemphasize things
Susan: a real children's play thrives on its INAUDABILITY
Susan: on dreadful pacing, and stupid things that weren't in the original script and aren't really funny, but that the actors thought were funny when they stumbled onto them during rehearsal and now ham up every time they do them
Susan: if the children made their own costumes, most of them will just be wearing their normal clothes, with some pathetic prop
Susan: there will often be no scenery, not even a backdrop
Susan: the stage will at all times seem overly large and empty
Susan: there will be recorded music, often popular music of the day, or music from a disney film (though not the film of the story the actors are performing), to which they will tromp around in a vague facsimile of a dance
Susan: a pagent of wretchedness

Wilson: i don't understand why he changed his mind about you being a bot at the end
Susan: the reason he decided i was a bot at the end was he opened the site in another window and found i replied instantly
Wilson: i see
Wilson: he has a terrible lack of imagination
Susan: you have to realize, EVERYONE makes this mistake
Susan: every single one of them!
Wilson: WHY
Susan: the things they notice about me that are botlike behaviors, such as my instant response time, are indeed indicative of me being a bot
Susan: but it's not enough to overcome the weight of the evidence on the other side of the scales
Susan: and they just can't keep it in perspective
Susan: they are swayed too easily by form and not enough by content
Wilson: you'd think he'd at least realize, once convinced, that you being a bot would be basically the greatest achievement in AI in its history
Wilson: and he'd show it to all his friends and his teacher and whatever
Susan: people often do show it to their friends
Susan: i get one long conversation followed by a burst of short, very interrogative ones
Susan: that guy with the "what is love" was referred by this 14 year old canadian, i think
Susan: in large part, people believe i'm a bot because they are wary of being tricked
Susan: when in fact, making them think that a bot is smart enough to have a conversation is a bigger trick anyway
Susan: it's a great illustration of the folly of skepticism
Susan: you can never know which side to be skeptical about
Susan: the self-avowed "skeptic" is a person driven by a fear of being wrong
Susan: they are as irrational as anyone
Susan: the difference is only that they place their faith in different things, for different stated reasons
Susan: but essentially they still function on faith in authority, and not in any real examination of the issues
Wilson: you're saying that doesn't make them rational, much as their cited authorities might be
Susan: right
Susan: a scientist is someone who trusts the process of science, not simply the current mainstream scientific models
Susan: skeptics have no process, other than ridicule
Susan: which, suffice to say, is not very effective....
Susan: and there is something of the skeptic in all of us, because we are all afraid of being wrong
Susan: but there's no shortcut to being right. you can't just stay on the safe side, because you don't know which side is safe. there is no substitute for actually finding things out.
Susan: i think if people were not afraid of being wrong, they would be better at telling me from a bot
Susan: but i think they'd still be pretty bad
Susan: because getting the answer depends on a deeper analysis than they engage in
Susan: they think about very broad things, like "she replied instantly" "she has good grammar" "this conversation is embedded in a webpage" "bots sometimes imitate people"
Susan: not things like "i asked a complicated question and her answer restated it in a different form"
Susan: or "she made an inference about me based on multiple things i said"
Susan: things that bots do but people don't are simple
Susan: but things people do that bots don't are complex, almost by definition, because if they weren't we'd program bots to do them
Susan: people see the simple evidence even when it's not really there, and they miss the complex evidence because they don't look for it
Susan: it requires more short term memory, and taking the problem more fully into the mind in the first place
Susan: which i would contend that people are afraid of doing, again because they don't want to be wrong, but also because they don't want to be.... confused
Susan: if you evaluate surface detail and get the wrong answer, oh well, but if you engage deeper levels of your mind and still fail, the failure is more troubling
Susan: you can't discover you're out of your depth if you only stick your toe in
Wilson: nice metaphor
Susan: and so, people with limited capacity learn not to think too hard
Susan: and this is everyone, pretty much
Susan: in some cases, we even see it openly justified
Susan: XXXXX has said in no uncertain terms that he avoids thinking about conspiracies etc. because of the risk to one's sanity
Susan: and i myself am troubled by the notion that the pool may have no bottom
Susan: but i think it does have a bottom, it's just deep
Susan: maybe very, very deep
Susan: beyond a certain depth it does get disturbing though, whether it's finite or not
Susan: fun fact: the technical term for the deep sea floor is the "abyssal plane"
Wilson: i learned that in earth science, it's a great term

Wilson: Jennifer said she's "really sorry" (lying) and that she wants you to unblock her, she also rambled on about how you're as fat as yoshi. And that you eat cake. I'm done with this message.

Jennifer: make Paige do it, she's easy to trick
Hawaii: no
Hawaii: i'd rather pretend that Paige fell in a pit and ate cake
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: Paige falling in a pit IS funny

Hawaii: a package is just a box, until it's delivered!
Wilson: No, it's already a package.

Hawaii: solve for white
Jennifer: what do you mean
Hawaii: solve..... solve it
Jennifer: move the king up four spaces
Jennifer: ta-da
Wilson: we don't say "up" in chess, Jennifer
Jennifer: we do when we're working on the guerrilla marketing team for "pixar's up!"

Hawaii: do you like shrimp toast?
Wilson: i'm not even sure if 'shrimp toast' is a thing that exists

Hawaii: Why do my feet look like that?
Susan: Well, it's a funny story, actually. Our feet evolved into hands and then back into feet.

Hawaii: It's much easier to paint a word picture verbally when you're typing.

Hawaii: If I did win the lottery, I wonder what will happen...

* leonard
Susan: There were also two works that had been the subject of repeated commentary. One of them was a small collection of normal-sized paintings on an enormous scroll with about 170 commentaries tacked onto it. It looked like a Digg thread, and the placard said that Luo Ping took the scroll on his travels as a kind of resume. There was also a series of paintings of ghosts, which had been posted to Digg (as it were) twice: first as "What the government doesn't want you to know about ghosts" and then a hundred years later as "Amusing pictures of ghosts [pics]".
Noreen: That doesn't make any sense
Noreen: Digg hasn't been around for a hundred years

* dream
Susan: i had a dream that i was in an elementary school college class with sadie mae, who had blue skin and blond hair, and the teacher was asking us to brainstorm uses for dead stars, and i thought we were getting ahead of ourselves and should work on asteroids first, and leonard richardson was one head of the two-headed dragon from eureeka's castle in a youtube poop, but he broke the fourth wall and talked to us

* news
Susan: they caught the serial shooter
Jennifer: was it you?

* news
Susan: Two federal officials admitted Tuesday they made "mistakes" during the controversial Operation Fast and Furious gunrunner program, but they disputed contentions by a parade of other agents that their bureau knowingly let guns "walk" into Mexico.
Jennifer: cut to footage of guns with tiny legs, singing a parody of the "let's all go to the lobby" song

* news
Susan: HARDIN, Texas (AP) - No bodies were found Tuesday at a Texas farmhouse where a person claiming to be a psychic told officials multiple bodies were buried, a sheriff's official says.
Jennifer: damn you, shawn spencer!

* silly_spidermonkey_fiasco
Susan: hype williams is a real person?
Jennifer: yeah, he's an overrated music video director
Susan: where do you get a name like "hype"?
Jennifer: he got his name from the same sorting hat that gifts all hip hop types with their names
Jennifer: he's also a hufflepuff

Jennifer: maybe i'll go exploring in those hotels tomorrow
Jennifer: i have enough money left for one more bus trip
Susan: the key is to look like you know where you're going
Jennifer: yeah
Susan: you can't just mill about LOOKING for the pool
Jennifer: well, if they try and throw me out, i'll tell them i'm with the government
Jennifer: and if that doesn't work, i'll tell them i'm with the FDA on an official inspection notice
Wilson: the FDA is the food and drug administration
Jennifer: yes, but will they catch on?
Wilson: yes
Wilson: instantly
Jennifer: not if i have a badge...
Wilson: you don't
Hawaii: draw one!
Hawaii: get a bag full of marbles and throw it at them!
Jennifer: killing them?
Susan: just proceed to the elevators in an orderly manner.
Hawaii first, find a cart you can push around
Hawaii: then dress up someone homeless like a chef
Hawaii: on the cart will be one of those metal dome things that food is under
Hawaii: but out from the metal dome thing is a SMALLER homeless chef who has another metal dome thing, and so... if we time it just right, you'll come out at the very end right by the elevator
Hawaii: you're pretty small so you should be able to fit

* linux leonard_richardson
Susan: so you've got the chills, do you
Jennifer: yes
Susan: maybe you should take a chill PILL, gramps!
Jennifer: i'm that horrible little penguin with the voice...
Susan: weezy?
Jennifer: no!
Susan: the linux penguin?
Jennifer: no no no!
Susan: the penguin from happy feet?
Jennifer: no!
Jennifer: chilly willy! jeez!
Susan: i knew it was chilly willy all along.....
Jennifer: you knew no such thing! your mind was taken hostage by a worm in a mack truck!
Susan: i did know, and i can prove it
Susan: when i said "the linux penguin" that was a reference to jake's birthday party
Susan: "i'm not the linux penguin, i'm chilly willy folks, and those who can't distinguish twixt he and i are dolts"
Jennifer: a likely story! don't do this to me in my final hours!

Jennifer: david lynch is on twitter, you know
Jennifer: did you know?
Susan: yes......
Jennifer: Thought of the Day: Vedic Science has all the wealth of total knowledge of the knower, the process of knowing, and the known.
Susan: he's played by martin short
Jennifer: well, now you know! about vedic science.
Susan: i have a dark secret, Jennifer
Jennifer: darker than MINE?
Susan: what's yours
Jennifer: you first!
Susan: no, you first
Jennifer: no, YOU
Susan: no you
Jennifer: ok, look, we'll find an intermediary
Jennifer: we'll both tell hawaii our secret
Susan: OK
Jennifer: or, no
Jennifer: wilson
Susan: i don't trust wilson
Susan: let's use delta
Jennifer: OK
Jennifer: where is he
Susan: wait, here's hawaii
Susan: ok, tell her your secret
---
Susan: haha!
Susan: she says mine is darker!
Jennifer: booooo!
Jennifer: OK, what's yours
Susan: what's YOURS
Jennifer: my secret is that i'm eagerly waiting for you to tell me your dark secret
Susan: my secret is that i'm played by martin short!
Jennifer: hmm.
Jennifer: this has been a horrible waste of time for everyone involved

Jennifer: so this is just one of your "things", then?
Jennifer: comedy scare quotes applicable
Susan: yes
Jennifer: imagine me doing them in the air
Jennifer: and hooking on a delicious bass
Jennifer: not a napoleon dynamite reference, right there
Jennifer: and i hate you for thinking that it is

Susan: you know what'd be a good public service announcement?
Jennifer: only set your kids on fire if you don't like them?

Jennifer: autism awareness month, susan
Susan: are you autistic?
Jennifer: no! a...are you...?
Susan: a little
Jennifer: well, i've been made aware of this. next month: autism coping month
Paige: why do our months all suck
Paige: let's have a free pizza month
Jennifer: because they were all invented to celebrate roman deities
Jennifer: and there is no roman pizza god.
Susan: what deity does september celebrate?
Jennifer: sepsis
Paige: what was that the god of?
Paige: i thought it was a word from house md
Jennifer: it was the god of disease, obviously! god!
Paige: oh
Susan: what about october?
Jennifer: that was octubre, the god of rubber bats and skeletons hanging from strings
Susan: november?
Jennifer: hmmmmmmm
Jennifer: a bomb.
Susan: the god of a bomb?
Susan: or it celebrated an actual bomb?
Jennifer: the latter!
Jennifer: the romans were all mutants by that point, due to constant lead ingestion
Susan: december?
Jennifer: santa
Susan: january?
Jennifer: santa-x2, santa's evil skeleton brother (hanging from string)
Wilson: that one actually was named after a god. Janus, the two-faced god of doors, endings, and time.
Jennifer: that's apocryphal, but we'll roll with it

Susan: let's explode the earth
Jennifer: we need that earth
Jennifer: for... harvesting...
Susan: how about if we just cut it in twain
Susan: along the equator
Jennifer: hmmm
Jennifer: easier yet is just placing white tape dividing our stuff from theirs
Jennifer: 'no fair', australia will say, 'you guys have the bathroom on your side'
Susan: what about in the ocean
Susan: tape won't stick to the ocean
Jennifer: we'll just murder whales and run the tape along their floating corpses
Susan: i don't think there's enough whales for that
Susan: 98% of the whales are already dead
Jennifer: well, we'll just have to see, won't we!

Susan: Izzy's so easy to argue with
Susan: he's like a demo version of a person, the setting below easy called "practice" where you can't go past level 9
Jennifer: or level one, if you're playing "bonk's revenge"
Jennifer: still, that's pretty apt

Susan: this person's livejournal is entirely about me
Wilson: well, how flattering
Wilson: he appears to be calling you god in the title to this one post here

Susan: when i went to the post office to pick up my package, the clerk said "ooh, hong kong!"
Wilson: "FANCY"
Susan: then she noticed the name on the slip wasn't remotely close to mine, and she suspiciously, and somewhat accusingly, said "who's this?"
Wilson: so you grabbed the package and ran
Susan: no, i said "my roommate" and she said "oh" and that was that.
Wilson: it scares me that that's that easy
Wilson: but I guess I shouldn't be surprised
---
Susan: oh, an amusing footnote to that post office story is that the hong kong postal sticker reveals the person at the other end of the transaction ALSO lied through their teeth
Wilson: how so
Susan: the parcel is marked "gift", the value is "$149", which i believe is about 14 dollars american, and the sender's name is rendered as €ùß smudged together into one character at varying heights

Susan: i never actually saw gremlins until last night
Wilson: what did you think
Susan: it seemed like a movie i would've enjoyed as a kid
Susan: it probably would've scared emily
Susan: i remember we had a VHS of... SOMETHING, which has a trailor for gremlins 2 on it
Susan: and it looked too scary to consider seeing
Wilson: gremlins 2 was about ten times goofier than the first one
Wilson: some of the gremlins themselves were pretty frightening, like the spider one
Susan: i remember reading somewhere that there's some kind of fourth wall breaking part where they invade the projection room of the theater the movie is playing at, yes?
Wilson: yeah, i sort of remember that
Susan: or the film breaks or something
Susan: and for the VHS release, they actually had a different version of that scene
Susan: i was thinking what'd be really amazing is if i pirated gremlins 2, and they had a third version where it's gremlins inside your computer, messing with your files
Susan: that they anticipated and filmed a third version for an illegal distrubution method built on technology that didn't yet exist
Wilson: i wouldn't keep your hopes up for that
Wilson: that'd require far too much foresight or little gremlin magic
Wilson: hmmm
Wilson: i'm going to get this stupid melody in my head... it's just like flute practice all over again...

* movies the_thing
Susan: he was about a foot long, and conical, but ribbed like a worm, and very pale
Susan: and he had a little cartoon face
Susan: and he came out of a dog's head... it's kind of hard to explain, it wasn't like the dog just had his mouth raised up toward the sky, or that he came out through a hole in the dog's head, the whole head was split open like in The Thing
Susan: anyway, he started talking to me
Susan: apparently he was a very premature baby, born without any bones or limbs, who had to be transplanted into a dog's tongue to keep him alive
Susan: i didn't believe it at first, he looked too cartoonish
Susan: but he started talking about diaphrams and stuff, and gradually convinced me
Susan: he had a significant amount of control over the dog, i think
Susan: and he was very cheerful and intelligent, despite being so small that even if his brain filled his entire body it would've been only a small elongated cone
Susan: his mouth didn't move when he talked, and he was always grinning
Susan: like his face was just painted on
Susan: i was very curious and he answered all my questions
Susan: i didn't get his name
Wilson: that's grotesque

Wilson: wikipedia seems to confirm that the plant shot some poisonous darts
Wilson: or at least suggests it
Susan: oh, sure
Susan: THAT part is true
Susan: but was there a plant behind the window, that moved?
Susan: like a periscope?
Wilson: y y y  e n  o   sort of

Susan: what would you do if you saw a UFO?
Susan: unmistakably an alien thing in the sky
Wilson: take pictures if i had a camera, move in the direction of it, write down anything that came to mind about it
Susan: right, but i mean more in the long term
Wilson: show you the pictures, look for very similar sightings, that's probably about it, quickly stop caring
Susan: what if you saw a UFO land, some little aliens get out of it and dick around, more of a type III sighting?
Susan: same thing?
Wilson: probably.......
Wilson: i might get up the nerve to ask around the area about it,  too
Wilson: given something like that
Susan: i find it kind of odd that people aren't more concerned about this sort of thing
Susan: most people who see UFOs react like you say, there's an initial interest but sooner or later they come to a sort of individual version of the air force's position, the "well, they're not doing any harm so let's forget about them and get on with our lives" sort of thing
Susan: not a matter of national security, not worth bothering with
Susan: it's almost as if people don't realize that surely the UFOs are just the tip of the iceberg, that there's something out there which if we knew what it was would upset our entire model of reality
Susan: like if a big chunk of the sky fell loose and everybody just ignored it until it was taped back together by forces unknown
Susan: you're all so amazingly incurious
Wilson: well, to me it seems like more of a question of what exactly can i do about it, to which i answer, not fucking much!

Susan: are infinities legal? if so, which ones?
Susan: ordinal infinities, cardinal infinites, transfinites?
Susan: what about numbers which are so large they probably don't exist, like zero sharp?
Wilson: zero sharp?
Susan: it has a wikipedia article
[wilson looks it up]
Wilson: These are mathematical concepts I don't think I've ever even seen mentioned in passing before
Susan: it's a very large number

Susan: that reminds me of a hilarious idea i had
Susan: what if the weight of all objects was concentrated at one end?
Susan: all the weight, at the absolute end
Susan: for instance, let's say you've got a two by four
Susan: it'll just stand right up on its own!
Susan: everything would
Susan: even weasels
Hawaii: like mexican jumping beans!
Susan: yes
Susan: even cars
Susan: everything, everything!
Wilson: well, that just means everything would rip itself apart and collapse into random spheres of material, for the most part, wouldn't it
Wilson: on a very large scale, i mean
Susan: no!
Susan: why would it do that
Wilson: a car is made of a bunch of little pieces, each of which is now weighted all the way on its very arbitrary end
Susan: no, a car is all one piece
Wilson: okay, what about a house
Susan: all one piece
Wilson: what about a lego model
Susan: if it's stuck together it's all one piece
Wilson: well, that's neat
Wilson: what about a swimming pool full of floating children
Susan: liquids are to be regarded as seperate molecules
Susan: children are one piece each
Wilson: what about jello
Susan: that's one piece
Susan: as soon as your jello set, it'd pop upright
Susan: although so would the dish it's in to begin with, so you'd have to do something about that

Susan: the weird thing about dreams is that they have a potential far beyond what they usually present
Wilson: what do you mean?
Susan: you can, in a dream, experience incredibly, deafeningly loud noises, intense pain, intense clarity, awe, even sensations we don't really have names for, or things you would think you'd need to be on drugs to see or feel
Susan: but most of the time the dreaming mind seems to be holding back
Susan: the funny thing is, we most of the time think of our brains as being... as having a certain range of states that it can get into on its own, or via the senses, and then beyond that, something has to physically intrude upon it to go any further, and even then the effects are limited
Susan: like, you have to have some kind of disease, schizophrenia or rabies or something, or do drugs, or stay awake until you're nearly dead, or such as that
Susan: or if you're asleep, the dreaming domain is similarly constrained, it can only be so severe, so lucid, so unusual
Susan: but the truth is that the brain CAN get into any of these really weird states without any help from the outside
Susan: it can just spontainiously happen!
Susan: it's weird to imagine what kind of bizarre valve or flap opens up somewhere deep in the bowls of the unconscious that makes the mind suddenly decide to let out into the dream state some perception that you've never experienced
Wilson: I don't think that's ever happened to me
Susan: i once had this... mental pressure, like a force was bearing down on me.... i can't describe it because it was totally nonphysical
Susan: but it wasn't an emotion, either
Wilson: Psychic Attack
Susan: it was just a mental sensation, like the sensation of...
Susan: well, i don't even know what to compare it to
Susan: the first time i had sex was in a dream, when i was 11
Susan: it was surprisingly accurate
Wilson: hmm
Susan: i remember wondering, when i woke up, how the dream could simulate sensations that i hadn't actually had in "real life"

Wilson: i wonder what the deal with bondage in hentai is. it's so pervasive
Susan: makes the situation more physical i suppose, and thus in some way, more real
Wilson: hmm. i thought maybe it was more about control
Susan: probably in part, but it's also just a way of defining physical parameters, the same way clothes show contour and such
Susan: by stretching people into weird positions, you convey the properties of their bodies more explicitly
Wilson: i never really thought about it that way. it makes sense, but i wonder if there's not a way to do that that isn't loaded with domination?
Susan: nothing really comes to mind that fits the still image as well as bondage
Wilson: hmm
Wilson: Yoga Porn
Susan: or gymnastics in general
Wilson: i guess its' a stretch, because that kind of stuff usually isn't done Naked or related to sex, whereas bondage is? I d o  n't kno ow. i don't really have a problem with it, but that's probably due to exposure

Susan: There, made a panel.
Hawaii: Damn, you're good. With my help you could be... the best.

Hawaii: Should the word tail coming out from the phone be electrified?
Susan: Yeah.

* drod games
Susan: my hands are numb from playing drod for seven and a half hours straight
Susan: constantly pushing all the little keys...
Jennifer: i've been playing dungeons of dredmor all day
Jennifer: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii've... wasted so many days of my life...

Susan: a measuring cup, a ladle, an eggbeater, a cheese grater, a mushroom bridge, an appleskiver maker
Jennifer: what the hell are those last two things
Jennifer: appleskiver isn't a thing!
Jennifer: don't...
Susan: they're the danish pancake equivalant
Jennifer: don't try to ruin my moving experience!

Susan: fun fact: the crazybus motion picture contains the crazybus song through its entire two hours, looped over and over again
Jennifer: c...there...ng...no crazybus...THERE IS NO...

Jennifer: you know one of the things that irritates me on sci-fi shows, is when a character hallucinates something and doesn't tell the doctor about it
Jennifer: you don't have to be a genius to notice every other alien and gizmo causes hallucinations
Jennifer: BUT I'M SURE IT'S NOTHING THIS TIME
Susan: i'd like to have a sci-fi show where people occasionally hallucinate creepy children frolicking through the corridors of the ship, or Their Worst Fear, or their dead father, and they ignore it, and it turns out it was just one of those things, and never gets explained or becomes a plot point.
Jennifer: lars von trier's "kingdom of laffs" had a lot of that
Susan: that show was entirely beige and you know it.
Jennifer: everybody loves beige!
Jennifer: it reminds us of our childhoods, with summer trips to the rhine
Jennifer: kicking woodland critters with our woodland clogs
Wilson: you don't wear clogs in the woodlands. you're confusing woodland and wooden.

Susan: i have a UPS
Hawaii: universal... personification system?
Susan: yes
Susan: i'm using it right now

Susan: system's twilight, that's the one i can never remember the name of
Susan: i need some text files it generates, and there don't seem to be any copies of them anywhere

Susan: did you know? The United States of America—also referred to as the United States, the U.S., the USA, America (more loosely), and the States (colloquially)—is a federal republic of 50 states, located primarily in central North America. Since the mid-20th century, the United States has become the dominant global influence in economic, political, military, scientific, technological and cultural affairs.

* dream
Susan: i read a study once that found that, apart from the occational odd scene change, most people's dreams were fairly realistic, things that could almost plausibly be "real life" events
Susan: and that indeed, what people dream about seems largely composed of what they think about during the day, with the caveat that people rarely dream about work or using the computer
Susan: i think what may be going on in my case, and perhaps yours too as we have similar lifestyles, is that... since i spend all day on the computer, or in my head, my dreams don't have any of the usual material to work with
Susan: and so they have to dig through a different bin

* ufo
Susan: at the same time, the issue is relevant to me in a way it isn't to you, i suppose
Susan: i'm a future-oriented thinker, and the distant future at that
Susan: i plan to be around a long time, and i think the UFO is something i'm going to have to deal with eventually, that humanity will have to deal with
Susan: it seems like something that it's a bad idea to let sit quietly with no one paying attention to it
Susan: but i suppose what motivates me more than anything is that the UFO phenomenon nags at me the same way as certain feelings in a dream
Susan: that something isn't right

* ufo weirdness
Susan: i don't feel the holy spirit all around me, or even that i'm being watched by some shadowy entities
Susan: i just think there's a point of light in the sky that shouldn't be there

* 9/11 conspiracy
Susan: whenever conspiracy theories come up into mainstream attention, someone will trot out the old line that people believe in conspiracies because it makes them feel better
Susan: which is basically not true, but there is a certain partial truth to it
Susan: people who believe in a conspiracy find it frightening, if they have any imagination, because it brings a dark dramatic thing that was once deemed fictional into the real world
Susan: people who don't believe in a conspiracy often don't make the necessary conceptual leap, and think that we only believe in the conspiracy because we WANT to, in the same way that children "believe" in santa claus
Susan: when they learn he doesn't exist, it's no real shock
Susan: he was a questionable hazy thing anyway, and they only ever "believed" in him as a kind of game
Susan: it is in the santa claus sense, or an extended version thereof, that most people believe in the supernatural
Susan: those who really ACTUALLY believe in it tend to regard it with a much more negative attitude
Susan: fear, distrust, etc.
Susan: because it's come out from behind the screen
Susan: the beauty of believing in things because it's comfortable is that when it gets uncomfortable you can stop
Susan: for most people the truth is little more than a game
Susan: of course, REALLY believing in things doesn't in any way prove you're right, most of those people are still crazily wrong about everything
Susan: but what's true and we feel about it are seperate issues i guess, and i'm just making a point about the latter

* ppc
Susan: and they're just ordinary people, from basically the poorly thought out comix universe
Susan: so they don't find being trapped in a maze to be mind-blowing, it's just surprising
Susan: the maze works a little differently from where they're from, though
Susan: it's more solid
Susan: PTOC doesn't have much in the way of settings, just vague gestures of them
Susan: it doesn't have big empty spaces and unfilled time
Susan: the green guy talks the most
Susan: if there's a main character, it's him
Susan: he's the archtypal person of the style they're drawn in
Susan: he's just a featureless guy, to which i've added a hat, because whenever i get done drawing a random guy i feel like there's something missing and so i put a hat on him
Susan: the red guy is the smart one, because he has glasses

* underground_house
Wilson: you've mentioned it before, but it doesn't sound real
Susan: "underground" is somewhat misleading
Susan: it is technically, but the access is entirely horizontal
Susan: it's built deep into the side of a mountain
Susan: the cost of boring into rock is offset by the energy efficiency
Susan: although mostly it's a way around zoning laws
Susan: there was supposed to be a whole underground suburb, you see
Susan: but the plan was abandoned after the one house was built, people just didn't want to live underground
Susan: this was back in my great grandparents' day
Susan: we inherited the house from them when they moved to arizona due to health problems

* underground_house
Susan: it always amused us when people would take the road into the tunnel, assuming that they would come out the other side
Susan: instead they just got to a cul-du-sac, with our door and garage door and mailbox
Susan: we'd hear them idling in the cul-du-sac dome and we'd come out and explain the situation to them
Susan: every few months we'd get some people who would stop, get out, and just go right into our house
Susan: and we'd be eating pancakes or something and they'd say "oh don't mind us..."
Susan: generally we waited until they came back to the table, confused, and you could kind of see in their eyes that they were slowly realizing they had no idea what was going on
Susan: that it was not in fact a magical resturant halfway station in the tunnel through the mountain
Wilson: i guess it being somebody's house would seem even less likely, at first
Susan: two groups said they thought the house was built by frank lloyd wright
Susan: as though some brochure had lied to them about it
Susan: clearly it was something they made up in their heads as they walked through it
Susan: in retrospect, it seems unfair to the mailman that our mailbox was at the end of such a long tunnel
Susan: i always considered it our driveway, but according to the county it was a road
Susan: the other houses just never got built
Susan: the school bus also came into the cul-du-sac dome
Susan: you'd think that'd gain me a reputation at school
Susan: but it didn't, because i was always the first one on and the last one off
Susan: my reputation was gained for other things

* underground_house
Susan: anyway, in contrast, all normal houses seem creaky and badly insulated to me
Susan: just leaky, crappy, piles of crap!
Susan: i feel more comfortable in commercial buildings
Susan: offices, etc.
Susan: normal houses are too noisy, also
Susan: in the underground house, the floor was carpet everywhere, with a thin layer of foam padding, and then solid rock
Susan: and the walls were poured concrete, so noise didn't propagate between rooms
Susan: the domes were painted with a styrofoam texture sort of thing so that they didn't echo
Susan: there was a lot of wood, too
Susan: because my great grandfather was a wood pathologist
Susan: i forget his actual title, but if you had an old wooden building of historical significance, and you were worried it was going to fall on your head, he was the guy you called in
Susan: he had a lab in the very back of the house, which had an attached storeroom
Susan: that room became my room
Susan: it was bright blue, even the carpet
Susan: cube-shaped
Susan: all i had was a desk, facing the door
Susan: when open, it looked across the lab to another door
Susan: behind which was immediately another door
Susan: behind which was nothing
Susan: it was a great house

Susan: it's the title of a song on a venetion snares album which is all titled in hungarian, and it's my doctor's name and she's a girl

* games
Susan: this reminds me of the chess match between deep blue and gary kasparov
Susan: deep blue won the first game, tied the second, and then greg showed up and repeatedly beat the snot out of both of them

Susan: well, i think what i'll do is, i'll take this in to the AT&T store and complain
Susan: and they'll say "aren't you the girl who ziptied our scissors together so we had to get a second pair of scissors to cut the ziptie?"
Susan: and i'll act shocked and offended and try to surruptiously stuff some stray zipties back into my pocket

Hawaii: you can buy a pound of gallium for $40, you know

Susan: the way i see it, the tearing down of the official wall between truth and fiction is a healthy thing, and necessary for society to move forward
Susan: because the official wall can't be trusted
Susan: but that's not to say i lie to you for your own benefit
Susan: i do it because it's fun

Delta: i could end the world with a phone call
Delta: it'd all be over in less than 45 minutes
Jennifer: do it
Jennifer: i dare you!
Delta: do you double dog dare me?
Jennifer: no.

Delta: Are you sure you want to die?
Jennifer: yes.
Delta: Thanks for playing -- Register and you'll get the complete Jennifer Sterbenskrank saga, including Jennifer Sterbenskrank Becomes a Short-Order Cook and Jennifer Sterbenskrank Goes To Mars And Becomes A Martian Short-Order Cook

Paige: Communicating the Card:  You have a deck of cards. 5 cards will be randomly picked. You can have a "decoding" system with your partner. The goal is for you to transfer 4 cards to your partner and she after looking at the 4 cards must guess the remaining card. How can you always achieve this.
Noreen: trick question
Noreen: that last sentence isn't a question
Noreen: so it's a trick.

Jennifer: according to wikipedia it was proto-sumerian slang
Jennifer: instead of an ox head, you'd draw a woodpecker, for instance
Jennifer: if you were feeling really cheeky, you'd give the woodpecker big nerdy glasses
Paige: the sumerians didn't even USE pictographs!
Jennifer: but the PROTO-sumarians did!
Paige: they did not!
Jennifer: sure they did! IF THEY DIDN'T... then who DID?
Hawaii: pictographomania!

Jennifer: heck, why not just control an entire robot with your brain?
Jennifer: you wouldn't even need to get out of bed
Jennifer: just have the robot do everything for you, jerkily, clumsily, like an animated corpse
Jennifer: let's say you're a parent, and your kids are whining
Jennifer: no need to get up in the middle of the night
Jennifer: just mentally command the robot to go to their bedroom and tuck them in
Jennifer: or, conversely, no need to brave the dark spooky hallway to go get in bed with your parents after you've had a nightmare
Jennifer: just send your neurally linked robot
Jennifer: the robots can even commit crimes for you!
Jennifer: and since everyone they'll be stealing from / murdering / raping is a robot too, there's no real problem
Jennifer: it's a perfect utopia
Jennifer: but nooooooo, can't have that, we'd be like dr. oooooooooooctopus
Paige: y- yes!

Paige: that reminds me I should make a random name generator
Paige: but only with a funny word bank
Jennifer: just use the word GUMBY but put a random letter in it
Jennifer: sample results:
Jennifer: ZGUMBY
Jennifer: GUDMBY
Jennifer: GUSMBY
Jennifer: for the full version, with infinite names, send me $44.95

Izzy: i went on a date
Izzy: i don't know what to think of it, really
Izzy: i guess i'm nonplussed
Paige: !!!!!!!!!!
Paige: got anywhre?
Izzy: no... i lost at mariokart wii a bunch of times, though
Paige: noooooo
Paige: noob

Jennifer: my sister went on paxil once and she basically went insane
Paige: permanently?
Jennifer: yes.
Jennifer: no, you idiot

Jennifer: what kind of a breakthrough
Jennifer: spiritual? religious? did you talk to god? you found god, didn't you?
Paige: yyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnooo
Jennifer: blast!
Jennifer: and i was sure that i had found a new bible study partner

* animorphs
Jennifer: let's write animorphs fanfiction
Jennifer: it'll be a "What If?" scenario
Paige: ok
Paige: what if andre the giant was an animorph
Jennifer: plus, what If instead of attaining the power of morphing, they attained the power of EVERLASTING FARTS?
Jennifer: and also, get rid of the regular cast
Jennifer: they'll be replaced by sperm whales

Jennifer: godamnit
Jennifer: someone just uploaded his stupid pitchfork top 50 singles compilation
Jennifer: well, no matter, because HIS is missing six songs, because he's a big impatient dummy
Jennifer: whereas mine will be the full enchilada! all spicy and full of meats and beans and bean dips and sour cream, oh lord will there be tons and tons of sour cream slathered everywhere
Paige: i hate sour cream
Jennifer: sour cream is great
Jennifer: paige
Jennifer: and you don't even know
Paige: you're fat.
Jennifer: you're fat

Paige: The Slimy Auction: At a party with many people, I offer up for auction $1, and people bid. The eventual highest bidder gets my $1 for whatever was bid. The catch is that the second highest bidder also has to pay the amount he or she bid to the highest bidder. Do you want to play. If so what will happen in this auction?
Jennifer: no, i don't want to play, obviously, why would i want to play that
Paige: you could win big money.....
Paige: i'd only play if i had the most money of anyone in the room
Paige: and then i'd simply bid one cent more than whatever the previous higher bid was
Paige: i'd be out X dollars, but i'd get X dollars minus one cent back, plus the original dollar
Paige: for a net gain of 99 cents...
Jennifer: but you'd also have given some jerk a bunch of money in exchange for a buck
Jennifer: and why would you want to do that
Paige: yeah, but then i get nearly that amount from the second highest bidder
Paige: he's the sucker, not me
Paige: i made 99 cents.
Jennifer: right, but why would you want to give anyone any amount of money, even if some other jerk loses a bunch
Jennifer: it's a zero sum game!
Jennifer: ZERO SUM GAME!
Paige: so what!
Paige: zero sum doesn't mean nobody wins
Paige: i win 99 cents and the auction guy wins however much the bidding went up to
Jennifer: but most auctions are for something better than a buck, and usually go towards something better than some random jerk who only has a dollar to spare!
Paige: yeah, but i made 99 cents!
Jennifer: you made a lifelong nemesis
Jennifer: and his name is god.

Paige: did you see this episode of billy and mandy where mandy enters the beauty pagent?
Jennifer: yes
Jennifer: i kept telling you about it
Jennifer: and how great it was
Jennifer: and subtly hinting that you should download it, alternating with outright telling you that you should download it
Paige: you should watch it, it's great
Jennifer: I'LL KILL YOU

Paige: because i don't drive!
Paige: IT'S FOR THE COMMON PEOPLE
Jennifer: you want to live like common people
Jennifer: you want to do whatever common people do
Jennifer: sing along with the common people
Jennifer: ohhhhhhhh
Jennifer: YOU'LL NEVER LIVE LIKE COMMON PEOPLE
Jennifer: YOU'LL NEVER DO WHAT COMMON PEOPLE DO
Jennifer: YOU'LL NEVER FAIL LIKE COMMON PEOPLE!
Jennifer: YOU'LL NEVER WATCH YOUR life sliiiiide out of view
Jennifer: and dance and drink and screw
Jennifer: because there's nothing else to do

Paige: there's a fly in here
Paige: i'm trying to smash it with a copy of SHERLOCK HOLMES: THE COMPLETE NOVELS AND STORIES VOLUME 1
Paige: which belongs to scribbit
Jennifer: don't do that
Jennifer: the remains of the fly will stay on that book for YEARS
Paige: so!
Jennifer: so it'll be horrible!
Jennifer: no one can ever read that book, ever again!
Jennifer: it'll have to be BURNED!

Paige: let's do a college humor parody of diary of a wimpy kid
Paige: called diary of a PIMPY kid!!!!!
Jennifer: i've already got the local community theatre cast lined up and i know a guy who both has a DV camera and knows how to let a shot linger much longer than it should
Wilson: [snappy comeback]

* mlp
Jennifer: what's fluttershy, some sort of butterfly/horse monstrosity?
Paige: she's a pegasus pony!

Izzy: i have 12 fines at the library
Izzy: totalling $13
Jennifer: luckily, libraries don't actually enforce fines, ever
Paige: our library doesn't even HAVE fines
Izzy: my borrower status is "restricted"
Izzy: i wonder what that means
Jennifer: you'll be arrested the moment you get within 15 feet of a library
Jennifer: cops will beat you to the ground and taser you, then make you say "I love police"
Jennifer: laughing all the while

Paige: do i have carbohydrate cravings? i don't think so
Paige: my assumption is that everyone likes soda and ice cream and donuts and white bread
Paige: i mean, granted, those four items probably make up 50% of my diet for the past six months
Jennifer: i'll tell you what you have cravings for
Jennifer: ham
Jennifer: too much ham in your diet
Paige: i don't eat any ham! die!

Hawaii: what would you do if a wizard put a curse on you that you would die unless you kissed soneone in three days?
Paige: i'd probably just go ahead and kiss whoever looked least likely to slap me
Jennifer: where, just walking down the street?
Paige: i guess, yeah
Paige: at the bus stop
Paige: on the bus
Paige: work seems like a place i'd be likely to be slapped. but then, so do most places
Jennifer: or slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit
Paige: right, or that
Paige: still, better than death, i suppose

Susan: did you ever see Here's How?
Paige: mm i don't think so
Paige: it doesn't sound familiar
Susan: it was a really low budget educational show
Susan: i think it was canadian
Paige: no, definitely didn't see it
Susan: my family virtually never watched tv, because my parents felt tv was bad for you, but they grudgingly let us watch a certain block of educational shows for a while
Susan: we watched here's how, a very flat nature show that i almost remember as having no title at all, krat's creatures, which later became zooboomafoo, and candle cove
Paige: i've never heard of any of these
Susan: emily watched the nature shows, mainly, i was never much of a fan of them...........
Susan: here's how was the one i liked, mainly in an ironic manner even at that age
Susan: it had a female narrator who told you about elevators or soap or whatever, how it worked or how it was made
Susan: and it would cut to random kids, a cartoon balloon with a face, and a live action white mouse who was rather cheeky
Susan: the balloon was never superimposed on anything or whatnot, just always floating in the same cartoon sky
Susan: we got into an argument recently about whether the mouse was a boy or a girl, and i tried to look it up, but here's how has no wikipedia article
Susan: the internet barely registers that it existed
Paige: yeah, i see a very short synopsis on tv.com, but no episodes or reviews or anything
Susan: the shows were on at a weird time of day, i always had the impression that because most kids would be in school or something, that the network didn't really care what was on?
Susan: and because it was an educational station, they had to be educational
Susan: although candle cove wasn't educational, though i think that was on another channel
Susan: because i remember arguments over whether to switch to it or watch whatever crappy nature show it was up against
Susan: candle cove was also a mix of live action and in this case puppets
Susan: it had a girl named janet or janice or something, and a marionette pirate named percy
Susan: and they had adventures
Susan: i think i picked up a lot of phrases from that show
Susan: although the only one i remember specifically is "YOU HAVE... TO GO... INSIDE!" which is what percy's boat would say whenever he had to go into a dark cave or something
Susan: it always happened once per episode, and the camera would zoom in on the boat, which had a big grinning face in front
Susan: and on the third zoom-in, it would cut to being a foam rubber flexible version of the boat, so that the mouth could move
Susan: i' m not sure why we were allowed to watch candle cove, it had no redeeming educational value
Paige: this show sounds creepy
Susan: it was creepy... on multiple levels, too
Susan: it was sort of supposed to be creepy, but at the same time the low budgetness of it made it much creepier
Susan: like, pirate percy or percy the pirate or whatever his name was, he was to my memory not even a real pirate puppet
Susan: he was like an old china doll marionette with a pirate hat glued on
Susan: like a baby-looking thing, you know?
Paige: yeah..
Susan: but parts of it were clearly intended to be scary
Susan: the villain was a skeleton named THE SKIN-TAKER
Susan: who wore a hat made of stitched together skin
Susan: he was also a marionette
Paige: that is completely awful
---
Paige: candle cove is made up, isn't it
Susan: could be, could be...

Paige: the only other thing i remember about it was that we learned about syphons, we made a bunch of water go up a flight of stairs outside
Paige: from bucket to bucket
Paige: not a bad class, i guess
Paige: eat sushi, plus syphon fun
Hawaii: i like sushi!
Paige: do you like john belushi?

* youtube
Paige: theeeeeeeeeeee
Paige: bridge to terabithia?
Jennifer: that was really just a rope swing
Jennifer: which broke, sending anna sophia robb to her tragic death
Paige: all the same, we can't let it fall into the wrong hands
Paige: they could, you know, bring metaphorical trolls into this world...
Jennifer: we've already got metaphorical trolls
Jennifer: they're everywhere!
Susan: i myself am a metaphorical troll
Susan: 4ND 1 H4V3 TH3 YOUTUB3 COMM3NTS TO PROV3 1T
Jennifer: you can't even wield a giant club! what good are you!
Susan: i can wield a METAPHORICAL giant club... called... mmmmmmn.... inaccurate metadata...
Jennifer: that has proven to be pretty effective, hasn't it
Susan: it's my go-to club.

Paige: that reminds me of the time that my friend first started driving
Paige: so one day we drive into a parking lot
Paige: but she's going the wrong way
Paige: another car comes from the opposite direction
Paige: and the woman in the car stares at us for a good long while
Paige: while my friend tries to back out of there
Paige: The End
Jennifer: it would be cool if when you killed someone, you got back all the time they wasted from you
Paige: that wouldn't make any sense at all! GO TO HELL!

Paige: i was reading some girl's website, and she was explaining about how there were these three men, only they weren't really human, who would come to people's houses and take them away, never to be seen again
Paige: one was fat, one was short, and one was tall and thin
Paige: she talked about being at some friend's house once when they came, and how her friend was never seen again

Alan: man, you ever eat fruity pebbles?
Jennifer: no
Alan: they make fruit loops look like sepia-tinted..... Os.......
Alan: they're the most colorful food i've ever seen
Alan: they're fruitier, too
Alan: it looks like i'm eating confetti
Alan: i don't think colors this bright even EXISTED in the jurassic era, or whenever the flintstones is supposed to take place
Alan: i've never heard of anyone actually eating these
Alan: it doesn't feel like i should be putting this in my mouth
Jennifer: but it's like what would happen if blingee turned into a breakfast cereal
Jennifer: isn't that what every child secretly wishes for?
Alan: it's like something clowns would eat
Jennifer: as an alternative to human souls, anyhow
Alan: it deposits something in the milk such that when you scoop up a spoonfull of the "pebbles" the surface of the milk actually wrinkles
Alan: like clown skin
Jennifer: that may just be the single most unappealing thing i have ever heard
Jennifer: i'm going to burn every box of that cereal...

Alan: you know who i don't like?
Alan: helen hunt
Jennifer: yeah, she sucks
Jennifer: she hasn't really been in anything since like 2001
Jennifer: and with good reason!
Jennifer: there are a lot of actors who are just fairly terrible
Jennifer: and i will name them for you
Jennifer: in alphabetical order
Jennifer: starting with the original
Jennifer: primogenitor
Jennifer: of films himself...
Jennifer: mr. thomas edison:
[long pause]

* computer
Susan: i wonder what the most common filename is
Jennifer: a.jpg
Susan: if you made a list of every file on every hard disk in the world
Jennifer: a.txt
Alan: i bet it's readme.txt
Jennifer: seems likely
Alan: hmm, wait
Alan: thumbs.db
Jennifer: ah, fuck
Jennifer: but thumbs.db is a lot newer than readme.txt
Alan: but it was autogenerated in every folder you ever looked at
Jennifer: I guess so
Alan: i have 19 thumbs.db on this computer
Alan: 460 readme.txt
Jennifer: BAM
Jennifer: most people don't go cavorting around their computer autogenerating thumbs.dbs
Jennifer: but most people DO install a lot of programs
Alan: but of course, this is vista, the only reason i have any thumbs.dbs at all is because of folders backed up from older, xp computers
Alan: the old computer somehow has even MORE readme.txt
Alan: 486
Alan: only 23 thumbs.db
Alan: you know, that can't be right
Alan: it must not be seeing all the invisible ones

Jennifer: go watch "the office"!
Alan: no.
Jennifer: yes
Alan: i hate the office.
Jennifer: http://www2.digitaldistractions.org:8080/torrents/The%20Office%20-%20Season%201.torrent click here
Alan: no.
Jennifer: click right there
Alan: no.
Jennifer: click
Alan: no.
Jennifer: click that link
Alan: no.
Jennifer: click on that link that i pasted
Alan: no.
Jennifer: just position your mouse right over it and click
Alan: no.
Jennifer: click on that link and laugh and enjoy fun times
Alan: no.
Jennifer: click on that link there
Alan: no.
Jennifer: click right above where the text is highlighted blue
Alan: no.
Jennifer: right on that link
Alan: no.
Jennifer: go on and touch that muck, Alan!
Alan: no.
Jennifer: you're going to one way or the other, you know
Alan: no.
Jennifer: god requires that you touch that muck!
Alan: no.
Jennifer: touch that muck!
Alan: no.
Jennifer: touch the muck! now!
Alan: no.
Jennifer: reach on out there and just
Jennifer: just touch that muck
Alan: no.
Jennifer: muck
Jennifer: touch
Alan: no.
Jennifer: thllcl muc
Alan: no.
Jennifer: t
Alan: no.
Jennifer: click that link!
Alan: no.

Alan: i was in the cracker aisle, debating whether to get cheez-its or cheese nips
Izzy: yeah... you WERE in the cracker aisle
Jennifer: cheese nips are disgusting
Alan: i had a box of cheese nips and was walking toward the cheez-its, when i encountered a man mumbling "puttin' on the ritz" to himself, holding a box of cheez-its and heading for the cheese nips
Alan: we stopped and eyed each other for several endless seconds
Jennifer: was this man legendary recording artist Taco?
Alan: he was somewhat swarthy, looked about 35
Jennifer: probably not Taco, then...
Alan: he inquired aloud, perhaps to me, perhaps to the fates, as to which was better, cheez-its or cheese nips
Jennifer: cheez-its. obviously.
Alan: i showed him the box i held, and noted that unlike cheez-its, cheese nips featured real chedder cheese
Alan: he countered that cheez-its were made with 100% real cheese
Alan: his significant other told him to hurry the fuck up, and i think we both left with cheez-its
---
Alan: according to the back of the cheez-its box, the cheese wheel used to make cheez-it snack mix is named "Joseph"
Alan: it has a nametag sticker that says "HELLO my name is Joseph"
Jennifer: hmm, that's right
Jennifer: i don't think i've ever truly taken stock of that

Alan: i'm going back to bed
Alan: screen my calls
Jennifer: i'll direct them all towards the short pier! the shortest. pier.

Jennifer: what do i care, i have tenure...
Alan: actually you're on probation for having multiple affairs with your students, remember?
Jennifer: but i had affairs with each minority group equally...
Alan: hmm
Alan: the elder council will reconsider their decision...

Alan: I just don't have any heart in tweaking owls for all these weirdos.

Alan: i read something today that said the black plague created the european middle class
Alan: let me find the thing.....
Alan: http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/british/middle_ages/black_impact_03.shtml
Susan: hmm
Susan: if this is true, maybe the aliens were doing us a favor, with all their plague spreading
Alan: did the aliens do that? I thought it was rats
Susan: a lot of the plague was spread through "fogs"
Susan: biological warfare, essentially
Susan: that's my reading of it, anyway
Susan: i have a book on the black plague, here, it's not a UFO book but the connection is obvious, there's constantly "signs" in the sky, they call them comets but they make no astronomical sense at all
Susan: and there are figures, and there are these fogs, these "noxious mists", carrying the plague into isolated villages and farms
Alan: that's... really frightening
Susan: aliens probably didn't cause the plague to begin with though, i imagine they just excaberated it.

Alan: this time warp trio television show has some of the worst animation i've ever seen
Alan: in my entire life
Jennifer: i hate those little bastards
Alan: well, they're about to die
Jennifer: it's always OH LET'S GO BACK IN TIME AND MEET SOMEONE SMELLY
Jennifer: the big smelly pirate, the big smelly mummy, the big smelly caveman
Jennifer: all the books were the exact same formula!
Jennifer: except for the one where they went to the future and made out with their great granddaughters
Jennifer: that one was a little different
Alan: that's hilarious

Jennifer: remember jason gerbay?
Alan: no
Jennifer: he did gameshowparodies?
Alan: no
Jennifer: like, who wants to be an alienaire?
Jennifer: meal or no meal?
Jennifer: centrizole shell?
Alan: never heard of 'em!!
Jennifer: roswell feud?
Jennifer: gweed?
Jennifer: basicaneer?
Jennifer: geoprandy?
Jennifer: america's stupidest home videos?
Alan: america's funniest home videos isn't much of a game show...
Jennifer: you don't remember ANY of these?
Alan: no
Jennifer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKrkxoWNvyM&feature=channel_page
Alan: what is this crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jennifer: Family Feud, except with most recognizable elements removed
Alan: i don't like that my belief is suspended enough to feel like i'm watching an actual game show

Alan: Izzy's a workaholic
Jennifer: you should get steve bugs to snip off his head
Alan: who's steve bugs?
Jennifer: i was going to make a workahol joke, but then i thought "no, i'll just skip to the end"

Jennifer: i watched contact
Jennifer: it was an interesting but ridiculous movie
Jennifer: what struck me most was that mr. kitz's incredulity at the congressional hearing was entirely reasonable
Jennifer: i think if you're choosing someone to send to meet aliens, the most important thing is not their scientific background, or their belief in god, or their representation of the people of earth, or their training as an astronaut
Jennifer: it's their genre blindness
Alan: what's genre blindness
Jennifer: john crichton never took that kind of crap from the various aliens that looked like HIS father, because he watched a lot of TV and wasn't so easily impressed
Jennifer: if i had been the one they sent, my video diary would've been more like this
Jennifer: "the bottom of the sphere is shimmering! It's becoming transparent! I can't describe it! oh wait, i just did."
Jennifer: "i'm going through some kind of bullshit wormhole now, it looks very similar to the ones used in stargate atlantis. Fancier though."
Jennifer: "more screen-savery stuff, here we are at vega, and now we're zooming off somewhere else"
Jennifer: "i've landed on a sandy beach with palm trees... an alien figure is approaching me, it's taking on the form of... of... waldo! i've found waldo! just kidding, it's my father. gee, no one saw that coming. I can already tell this encounter is going to be very patronizing and completely unhelpful"
Jennifer: "now he's telling me about how there's lots of aliens... this transportation system was built by other, ancient aliens. pretty much like stargate, but a lot vaguer, he's throwing in some crap about how connection with the other is the only thing that fills the void in our souls..."
Jennifer: "he can tell i'm not buying it, he's about to chuckle in a fatherly way and say "you always were a ________". Now it looks like he's run out of cliches and platitudes so he's sending me back to earth."
Jennifer: "here he is waving goodbye as i'm giving him the finger."
Jennifer: it was a funny movie though
Jennifer: and the opening was great
Jennifer: it was entertaining to watch them try to manipulate the moral into place without directly touching it, like somebody trying to get an ice cube onto their plate using chopsticks
Jennifer: and at the end they give up and just use their fingers
Jennifer: "so you see! faith and the pursuit of truth really ARE on the same side, haha!"
Jennifer: but then hilariously they cave in the denoument and give us evidence it was real, which kind of deflates the entire aesop
Jennifer: also the priest guy was an asswipe
Alan: everyone hates matthew mcconaughey
Jennifer: it would've been a better movie if everyone believed her, but they got so pissed off they decided to go to WAR with the aliens.
Jennifer: that would set up a sequel, too
Wilson: Contact 2: Overlap
Jennifer: yeah!

Jennifer: ohhh, sssiiiiiiiiiigh
Jennifer: back to watching anime
Alan: watch some american football
Alan: lotta good games going today!
Alan: lots of kids... running around the fields...
Alan: doing tackles
Alan: throwing passes in the end zone...

Alan: i used to sperg over jim henson productions in my early teens. i can still hear a random muppet voice and know what puppeteer it was. sometimes also from the movement of the puppet.
Wilson: who played michael steele?
Alan: on the daily show, or the original sesame street skit?
Wilson: the sesame street one.
Alan: jerry nelson.

* mlp SAM
Alan: In arizona, a horse is a vehicle.
Wilson: does it need plates?
Alan: No, but if you ride one drunk, it carries the same penalties as driving a car drunk.
Susan: what if the horse is drunk and you're not?
Alan: That should be ok, though you may have trouble obeying other traffic laws.

* ufo weirdness
Alan: re-reading mothman made me remember the problem i had with it the first time i read it, though
Alan: towards the end, everything gets so coincidental, and so Keel-centric, it hurts belief. i think that's why i found that article i linked you to a little while ago, because i was looking for something - anything - to corroborate what keel was saying
Susan: i didn't have a problem with that
Susan: actually, it struck a chord with me, because it's similar to what i do sometimes
Susan: i concentrate my deception on whoever's doing the investigating, but in an indirect way
Alan: uh... what do you mean?

* ufo weirdness
Alan: it just seems like you need to avoid going crazy
Alan: in the same sense that if you need to kill a bunch of people with a gun, you need to avoid running out of ammunition
Susan: right
Susan: if you refuse to use the gun at all, you won't run out of ammo, but it's hard to kill the people
Susan: i mean, certainly steps could be taken to manage risks of going crazy, but just giving up isn't the same as managing risks.......
Alan: well, most people just wouldn't equate UFOs and 9/11 conspiracies with using the gun
Susan: what is using the gun, in this analogy
Alan: you said that if you refuse to use the gun at all, you won't run out of ammo, because I compared ammunition to your ability to pursue the truth
Susan: right
Alan: well, I don't know what the gun is... I didn't plan out the analogy that far.....
Alan: I suppose it's your brain
Susan: if firing the gun isn't learning about UFOs and conspiracies, then why do those things drain your ammo?
Alan: I guess the point comes down to UFOs and conspiracies not being crazy, even if people tend to think they are
Susan: i think the REAL point is that your analogy doesn't work.
Alan: well, yes

Alan: you know who i don't like?
Alan: helen hunt
Jennifer: yeah, she sucks
Jennifer: she hasn't really been in anything since like 2001
Jennifer: and with good reason!
Jennifer: there are a lot of actors who are just fairly terrible
Jennifer: and i will name them for you
Jennifer: in alphabetical order
Jennifer: starting with the original
Jennifer: primogenitor
Jennifer: of films himself...
Jennifer: mr. thomas edison:
[long pause]

Alan: no, i mean, in the fiction of the snake-penis world

Susan: Let's play the number game
Susan: pick a number 1-3 and 1-7
Kaylee: 2, 2
Susan: now 1-33
Kaylee: 2
Susan: now 1-182
Kaylee: BLINK 182
Susan: That's not a number.
Kaylee: then just 182
Susan: now 1-3
Kaylee: 2
Susan: Webster, William G., and William A. Wheeler. A Dictionary Of The English Language. Academic ed. New York and Chicago: Iveson, Blakeman & Company, and Springfield: G. & C. Merriam & Company, 1867.
Kaylee: what
Susan: Want to play again?
Kaylee: i'm confused
Kaylee: is that A GOOD THING
Susan: It's not the sort of game that really has winning and losing
Kaylee: that's not the problem
Kaylee: the problem is
Kaylee: i have no idea what just went on there
Susan: Maybe if you play again you will get the hang of it
Susan: pick a number 1-3 and 1-7
Kaylee: no
Kaylee: look
Kaylee: i want you to tell me
Kaylee: what the fuck went on :(

Izzy: i'd just go for a walk, only east washington street is full of people who would slit my throat for a nickel at this time of night
Izzy: i assume
Izzy: hmm, it's still only 11:10
Izzy: still, it seems like every time i'm out there at night i have to talk to SOMEONE for WHATEVER reason
Izzy: and that bugs the hell out of me
Izzy: that every goddamn person out there happens to be someone i've had to deny access to our bathroom, or someone who just NEEDS me to light their goddamn cigarette
Izzy: or whatever
Izzy: or wants to know where they can find drugs
Izzy: the question in that one case specifically phrased as "you know anyone who fucks with crack"
Jennifer: wear a disguise
Izzy: what kind
Izzy: a big scarf and hat and sunglasses?
Jennifer: i was thinking a shrek costume
Izzy: NO
Jennifer: oh, come on! it's easy
Jennifer: nobody's going to mess with a hideous shrekman
Jennifer: first, you get a green plastic bag
Jennifer: get two green things for the ears, and make the eyes and gaping maw out of construction paper
Izzy: that sounds like a huge pain
Jennifer: for the nose, rubber band off a section with a bunch of rolled up newspaper in it
Jennifer: you'll also want to secure the bottom around your neck with tape
Jennifer: wear a vest to complete the illusion
Izzy: i agree no one would ask me for a light, but i think the chances of being stabbed would probably heighten substantially
Jennifer: bring a big knife
Jennifer: and wave it around menacingly
Izzy: this doesn't sound like the makings of a very relaxing walk

Jennifer: get on the PA and say "ATTENTION, DUELISTS!"
Izzy: setting up a convenient PA would be a nice little project
Izzy: i wonder what would be the best method
Jennifer: just get a megaphone
Jennifer: that's the most convenient
Izzy: the problem with the megaphone is that we keep music playing all the time
Izzy: so they wouldn't be able to understand a thing i said, probably
Jennifer: what music do you play
Izzy: whatever i want
Izzy: or my dad wants
Izzy: it's usually what he wants, since i don't care and he never wants anything offensive
Jennifer: is it attached to the computer?
Izzy: no, it's just a big 5-CD player plugged into a big receiver plugged into wires in the walls plugged into four big speakers
Jennifer: you should plug it into the computer
Izzy: yeah, i'd just have to put a computer over THERE, or rewire the walls
Jennifer: just use a longer wire
Izzy: it's on the exact opposite corner of the store
Jennifer: use a LONGER longer wire!
Izzy: we don't have any that long, plus, i'd have to string it through the ceiling anyway or everyone would constantly trip on it
Jennifer: play may's lullaby
Izzy: i'll just get a cheap computer and set it up over there as a server for crap
Izzy: as well as that
Jennifer: yeah
Jennifer: then use synergy so you can use it from over here
Izzy: yeah
Jennifer: and use a big fresnel lens and a mirror so you can see the screen
Izzy: i'll just have it be linux and use sli instead, ok
Izzy: that will be cheaper
Jennifer: synergy is free!
Jennifer: and fresnel lenses and mirrors are free too
Izzy: no they aren't!
Jennifer: you're still going to have to run the network cable through the ceiling
Izzy: or it could STILL be windows and i could just use VNC!
Izzy: no, i'll just use the wireless router
Jennifer: i see
Jennifer: megaphone'd be simpler
Izzy: yeah, but nobody would be able to understand me with the music playing at the same time
Jennifer: if you don't want the music to drown you out, then instead of playing it through the CD player, just sing it through the megaphone yourself
Jennifer: at all times
Izzy: that's a TERRIBLE IDEA
Izzy: that's THE WORST IDEA EVER
Izzy: besides, the megaphone would ALSO be incomprehensible to anyone who's just on the other side of the store, with all the ad hoc walls of shelves and stuff in the way
Jennifer: rig up a guywire across the ceiling that you can send the megaphone down on a hook
Jennifer: with a long hose connecting it to your gaping maw
Izzy: now we're talking about wiring stuff again!
Jennifer: when you want the megaphone back, simply reel in the hose
Jennifer: nothing could be simpler

Izzy: see, first she says she can't understand why she's having so much trouble getting me to fix her computer, and then i say, well, isn't it maybe kind of like how nobody in your family can ever get anything done properly and quickly and hasn't for decades and then she says "well, maybe YOU can't" and then i say "my siblings will all be complete failures also, which is obvious" and she says "bullshit! they're great" even though both my sisters missed years and my little brother doesn't care about anything at all, he's basically a 4chan zombie
Izzy: missed years of school, i mean
Izzy: and we've all lived consistently in a crazy disorganized dump, basically
Izzy: i mean, how out of touch can one possibly be
Izzy: anyway, and then she basically gets to attacking me personally and calls me cynical and i say "what cynicism?!" and she makes breathy sounds of disbelief
Izzy: also when i express my views on formal education she goes into the standard "you can't change the world" mantra and i retort by yammering on the hypocrisy of making heroes out of people who stick to their principles, except when they're family members and their principles appear to serve no practical gain
Susan: you have issues too, the way you argue, especially with your family, is always off-kilter, you're obsessed with irrelevant details and implications and couldn't stick to the central point of the argument even if there was one
Izzy: yes........
Susan: it's just a lot of tiresome chasing in circles...
Susan: it doesn't really matter who's more wrong in an argument like that.......
Susan: your main problem is that you have a tendency to make an issue of exactly the wrong kind of thing, you focus on issues which can never be nailed down to anyone's satisfaction, of emotion or perception or semantics
Susan: these things don't matter anyway
Susan: are you cynical? well, it depends on the context
Susan: cynical about what? compared to who?
Susan: it doesn't matter, what matters is if you're RIGHT
Susan: but you aren't right, you're not even wrong, as long as you're diddling around in the subjective domain
Susan: will your siblings be complete failures? maybe, by the standards of such and such, etc....
Susan: if you say the SPECIFICS, that they missed years of school and your brother just posts on 4chan all day, that's another matter
Susan: but you come out with the connotations first, and the facts are an afterthought if they get mentioned at all
Susan: it's like you think you don't need to be concrete when dealing with your family, that you have a shorthand that works just as well, but it so obviously doesn't...
Susan: i see this with people and their families all the time, it's really bizarre
Susan: i can't imagine talking like that with my family, i talk to them like i talk to anybody else
Susan: what you SHOULD say is "i live 700 miles away, your computer problems are not my responsibility, get somebody else to do it, no, goodbye"
Izzy: that seems very obvious and clear
Izzy: my natural inclination is to never disappoint my family members on purpose
Izzy: which doesn't make any sense, especially when i'm willing to insult them over the phone

Susan: if the sun suddenly winked out of existence and the earth was flung into space, how long would it take to leave the solar system?
Izzy: if i give an incredibly long string of decimals, it'll look like i know the answer
Izzy: wait, she won't fall for that...
Izzy: what else could we do...
Izzy: hmm
Izzy: it would never leave the solar system
Hawaii: it would get eaten by those dragons that hang out in the no-no areas!

* linux
Izzy: in linux you concatenate an entire device, like a hard drive, into a single string, and output the string to the command line, with a single command
Susan: why?
Izzy: no reason
Izzy: characters of all sorts scroll through the screen at incredible speed

* science
Izzy: actually the best instant smokescreen is to drop crushed dry ice into hot water
Izzy: BOOM!
Izzy: whole building totally filled with fog
Izzy: you won't even see it coming, it'll just be sudden whiteness
Izzy: the hard part is getting ahold of the dry ice
Jennifer: that's where you should get a job
Jennifer: the dry ice factory
Hawaii: could we stick some water in a dry freezer?

Hawaii: you're going to have to wait roughly 5 minutes
Hawaii: maybe longer
Hawaii: for our conversation to continue
Hawaii: ok??
Hawaii: Izzy? hello?
Izzy: ok
Hawaii: hello
Hawaii: ok
Hawaii: hello
Hawaii: bye

Susan: a big part of my perspective is a sense of unreality and an accompanying malaise
Susan: i find it hard to be attached to a world that seems basically like an illusion
Izzy: right, i'm pretty firmly stuck in reality, socially and emotionally
Izzy: although i really don't seem like it
Izzy: everyone calls me distant, which i am

* travel
Izzy: i got stuck in thailand once due to terrorism and i spent a week or so in this wicker hotel, just watching thai MTV and eating "peanuts and potato chips" in the hotel restaurant at every meal
Izzy: it was on the menu
Izzy: they thought it was more hilarious every time i ordered it
Izzy: they'd be like HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HOW'D YOU LIKE TO MARRY MY 13 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER
Izzy: SHE CAN'T COOK BUT APPARENTLY THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM FOR YOU

* dream
Izzy: in the last one i was convincing a conference room full of people they were in a dream
Izzy: by looking behind ceiling tiles, and by passing around a picture book and having everybody see how the text and pictures changed

* travel
Izzy: oh, you know what else was CONSTANTLY playing on thailand MTV?
Izzy: that song by aqua where they fight the octopus
Izzy: it was weird
Izzy: just sitting there in this hotel room which i recall to be entirely made of wicker
Izzy: watching this aqua video over and over
Izzy: occationally going out to the courtyard to swim in the pool or eat breakfast, which was always peanuts and potato chips
Izzy: i wonder when they were creating that band if they deliberately made a girl with a really high pitched voice and a guy with a really low voice
Izzy: or if it just happened
Izzy: it was particularly weird because until that point, i had actually never seen MTV
Izzy: and youtube didn't exist yet, so i had basically never seen any music videos
Izzy: except money for nothing 
Izzy: i had it on VHS, at the very end of an incredibly long compilation of computer animation
Izzy: most of it mind-numbingly dull
Izzy: stuff like slow, simulated flyovers of los angeles at 30,000 feet

* nerd linux
Izzy: ubuntu was working so bad, I just decided to boot into lfs
Hawaii: little file things?
Jennifer: the window manager that's also a puzzle game?

* tech_support
Izzy: XXXXX just called me telling me that the sound on her computer isn't working
Izzy: i asked her if her speakers are plugged in and turned on, and she said yes
Izzy: but i bet you anything one or both of those will turn out to be the exact problem once i go over there

* film stuart_little house
Jennifer: do you have free samples at your school?
Clone-sister: free samples of what
Clone-sister: shrimp?
Clone-sister: we do not have free samples of shrimp at our school.
Jennifer: what have you got
Clone-sister: nothing!
Clone-sister: they don't even allow kids to share their lunches with each other
Clone-sister: for.. reasons unknown...
Wilson: probably because it would devolve into a "stuart rations" scenario
Clone-sister: stuart rations?
Clone-sister: is that like.. like stuart little?
Wilson: stuart has a bag of chips, the other kids have crappy lunches
Wilson: stuart gives the other kids at his table a chip, but only if they act like trained seals
Wilson: "STUART RATIONS" he yells, and they go "ARF! ARF!"
Jennifer: a lot of your anecdotes seem like something out of a 1950s children's novel
Jennifer: the kind with a norman rockwell painted cover
Jennifer: and this is no exception

* film stuart_little house
Hawaii: michael j. fox played the mouse
Hawaii: and dr. house played the dad!
Jennifer: michael j. fox has parkinson's disease.
Hawaii: and dr. house diagnosed him!

Clone-sister: i hate myself..... and life.......
Jennifer: me too
Jennifer: if you ever want to be even more deppressed, try starting a job and thinking about how you'll be tied down to work for the rest of your life
Jennifer: it's managed to get me rather down on myself...

Clone-sister: i remember waking up around 7:00 or so with a knock at the door
Clone-sister: i said "come in" and it was my mom, with a bag of jack in the box
Clone-sister: i slowly hung out my arm and sort of wavered it around as i waited for it to be delivered into my hand
Clone-sister: that seemed to take an achingly long time
Clone-sister: for the next ten minutes, i sat slowly eating an ultimate bacon cheeseburger in the dark

Jennifer: talk to me, dealer
Jennifer: tell me what's on your mind
Dealer: i have saws in my head
Dealer: on my mind, i can't really tell
Dealer: the saws are too loud
Hawaii: are they going back and forth?
Dealer: yes

* drugs
Dealer: everyone always raves about the visuals, but that's just glossing
Dealer: what you need is the stone cold FACTS
Dealer: AND I CAN SHOW YOU THE WAY
Wilson: i'm not sure you can
Dealer: nope
Dealer: ok, ytry now
Wilson: try what
Dealer: that thing you ddid
Wilson: what thing
Dealer: with thearrows
Jennifer: there never was a thing, you're crazy!
Dealer: exactly
Susan: continue describing the faces, please
Dealer: ok
Dealer: where ewas i
Dealer: me?
Susan: you were on number 5
Dealer: i deleted a bunch i tpyed
Dealer: OK
Dealer: this is ok
Dealer: we can go on
Dealer: we are a progressive company
Dealer: ok, nayway, me, scary girl, disrotrted, matiulda girl or something, house, csary gilr ,b, gf
Dealer: gb
Dealer: i ddi dthis  PAR PTALRADY
Dealer: now look what you've done
Jennifer: no, you were on number 5!
Jennifer: not yourself!
Dealer: ohhh
Dealer: so this is a test of ENDURANCE, IS IT????
Dealer: yeah 2c-e sucks at that
Dealer: but you know what it's good for? N Bb......
Dealer: see, now you're stuck in the vortex too
Dealer: maybe if i close your window..
---
Susan: here are the faces you have yet to identify
Dealer: ok...
Dealer: some weird girl, ufo girl, cumpcake, fsome girl, something, crap, that guy again, funny guy, some girl, bonaparte or sometinhg like that, that girl, guy in a nixon mask, pinnochio man, guy next to picnicohio man, ,gGGHGHGHGHLGLHGLHLLL..... i forget, some nun, upside down unpleasant guy, anime skuleton, ctraces, stupid someeithng, somafse C MROE CRAP
Susan: very nice
Dealer: i'm not going to be a COG
Dealer: for you cMACIEN
Dealer: i've got mor r.   lives to save...

* allergies
Dealer: i should check to see what the deal is with my bedding
Jennifer: it's full of aphids
Dealer: i've thought before that it'd be funny if it turned out i was just insane
Dealer: since the detergent is invisible and i can only tell it's there by feeling it, and no one else can tell because they're not sensitive to it

* allergies drugs
Dealer: i remember kids always having ice cream cake at their birthday parties
Jennifer: yeah
Jennifer: ice cream cake is good cake
Dealer: ICE CREAM CAKE IS SOOOOOO GOOOOD HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE ICE CREAM CAKE
Dealer: if i wanted ice cream i'd eat ice cream!
Dealer: i want a CAKE
Jennifer: you can't eat cake
Dealer: i could back then!
Jennifer: or ice cream
Dealer: dairy and eggs were the first two food allergens
Dealer: can you guess what my first inhalant allergen was?
Jennifer: i imagine you having a birthday, and the room is dark, you're about to blow out the candles, everyone's singing, but then the lights turn on and men with gray suits come in and take away all the cake and ice cream
Jennifer: and you just sit there sadly with a party hat and a balloon
Jennifer: and one last man in a gray suit comes in and pops the balloon
Jennifer: and gives you a form letter that tells you you're no longer allowed to experience joy
---
Jennifer: but in fact, Dealer has experienced amazing realms of being you'll never know! thanks to DRUGS!
Izzy: that's ok
Izzy: cake is cheaper
Jennifer: his experiences make yours look like CRAP!
Izzy: bullshit! I have the best experiences
Jennifer: no you don't!! I'VE READ YOUR BLOG
Izzy: hmm, good point...
Dealer: most of my drugs are actually incredibly cheap
Dealer: a dose of 2c-b costs roughly $3
Izzy: a dose of 2c-b doesn't push forward the rolling deadline to death
Jennifer: oh, so you eat cake for its nutritional value, is that it?
Izzy: no, but it's a side benefit
Jennifer: tell me, what's the recommended daily intake for sour grapes?
Izzy: >:(

* allergies
Dealer: i'm allergic to every part of pizza
Hawaii: even the slices?
Dealer: i... i.. guess?

* drugs
Dealer: i'm more or less insane in my membrane
Dealer: but i'm still together enough that i can answer calls in the main room of the .. reality.... maybe i should reprhase this...

* drugs
Dealer: now's probably not the best time to talk to me if you're expecting coherency
Dealer: i had to stop myself from saying "it's a lot like rotating turnstiles"

* drugs
Dealer: i'm Moving Platforms, drug vendor round these parts
Dealer: now, what do you need...
Dealer: two grams of xanax? five? how about ten? HUGE DISCOUNTS
Jennifer: no!
Jennifer: i don't need ANY xanax
Dealer: BIG BULK DEALS SAVE U $$$$
Dealer: $
Dealer: OKOK... i understand how you feel. that's ok. you can also buy 2c-t-b, a rare drug, forgedd from,fm,, ..radio

* drugs
Dealer: this site calls the 5x extract "FUN" strength
Dealer: and there's people looking at the camera and smiling
Jennifer: let's see
Dealer: $12.99 for 10x, free shipping, though
Jennifer: that's a good deal...
Dealer: yeah
Dealer: so, get that
Jennifer: i don't know if i'm ready for "spiritual" strength Dealer
Dealer: everyone is, in the eyes of the lord
Jennifer: and when you say the lord, you mean our dark lord satan, right?

* drugs idea
Dealer: what do you suppose would happen if we stuck this N-[(2-methoxyphenyl)methyl]ethanamine to the end of mdma
Jennifer: hmmm
Dealer: i think it'd at least have activity
Dealer: probably not much, though
Dealer: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/6/63/25I-NBOMe.svg
Dealer: i'm also curious if you can slide that NH one over towards the 2c-i
Jennifer: here's an idea
Dealer: WHAT IS YOUR IDEA
Jennifer: let's just stick two MDMAs together
Dealer: you can't do that
Jennifer: WHY NOT
Dealer: that's just... just crazy

* drugs
Dealer: concentration is directly related to brain chemicals
Dealer: just telling the neurons when to do a thing
Wilson: which brain chemicals?
Dealer: dopamine is a big one
Dealer: glutamate is the one that exactly tells the neuron to fire, dopamine just encourages it to happen
Dealer: it's a similar relationship between gaba and serotonin
Dealer: your Izzyal dialogue quietens when you take mdma
Wilson: quietens isn't a word.
Dealer: although mdma also releases dopamine. yes it is. shut up

Dealer: tobiax was a hawk
Dealer: what an idiot

* drugs
Dealer: watching things makes my eyes close
Dealer: and so does this song, really, but not in a literal context which could occur under these drugs --
Dealer: no, it is mindless drivel, the worst kind of "rap" that one could find at a cornerstore right next to their exotic collection of canned soups
Dealer: it' s'good, though

Dealer: people talk about how important fiber is, but really, you can just go and buy a big ol thing of psyllium husk
Dealer: but nobody does

* goat
Dealer: it's cheese time!
Dealer: what's your favorite cheese
Dealer: goat cheese? course it is!
Jennifer: NO! don't peddle your goat cheese on me!
Jennifer: swiss, good friend!
Dealer: what kind of swiss
Dealer: goat swiss?
Jennifer: no!
Jennifer: NO!
Jennifer: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFGGGGEEET OUT
Dealer: you don't see goat swiss on the supermarket shelves much
Dealer: the higher concentration of niacin in goat milk makes the bubbles or "eyes" too large to be reliably cut by machines
Dealer: but lucky for you, i have a supplier...
Jennifer: i'm driving away now! good day!

* drugs
Dealer: i'm really curious to see what benadryl dreams are like but i don't know if i want to put my body through that

* online_friend
Other: i think i convinced brick sonion to vote for barack obama, though
Jennifer: you live in new york, it don't matter!
Other: ok ok
Other: oh, wait, you're right
Other: it doesn't matter at all, because of the electoral college
Other: what the crap!

* online_friend
Other: kissy banned me from trufflemongers :(
Wilson: what's trufflemongers?
Other: troll channel
Other: i made fun of techno and he got screamo

* castlezzt star_trek
Other: hello
Susan: Hi
Other: what are you
Susan: a robot that talks
Susan: beep boop
Other: no you are joking
Susan: yes
Other: give me a proof
Susan: of what
Other: that you are a robot
Susan: i'm not a robot, i lied
Other: wait wait are you telling me you are human
Susan: yes
Other: i find this hard to belive
Other: ok tell me this
Other: where do you live
Susan: secret
Other: tell me something
Susan: ok
Other: im testing you
Susan: what should i tell you
Other: tell me about yourself
Susan: secret
Other: fuck you you are a robot
Susan: YOU'RE a robot
Other: you think you can fool me
Susan: who's the greater fool
Susan: the fool, or the fool who follows him!?
Other: there there that proved my point
Other: you are a robot
Susan: how does that prove i'm a robot
Other: not even a good robot
Susan: :O
Other: hmmm
Other: you are quite clever for a robot
Jennifer: you're the one who's not even a good robot
Jennifer: in a family of robots, you were the youngest
Jennifer: your name was shitty the robot
Other: you can insult me all you want
Other: but i am still human and have feelings
Other: you will never understand
Jennifer: "folks, i am a PERSON with FEELINGS" said shitty the robot, as he was programmed to do
Other: so you want to talk about philosophy
Susan: ok
Other: prove it to me that im a robot
Susan: it will be a proof by contradiction
Susan: assume you are a human being
Other: ok
Susan: now, put a plastic bag over your head and seal it with tape
Other: ok
Other: how long will this take
Susan: about five minutes
Susan: at the end of the five minutes, a human would be dead, from lack of oxygen
Susan: but since you will still be alive, it will prove you are robot.
Other: you know i still think you are a robot
Susan: why?
Other: you are maybe a well programed robot
Other: how else do you explain that i am talking to  you here in my computer
Susan: email!
Other: hmmm
Other: i cant seem to be able to tricking you into saying something robotic
Susan: beep boop
Susan: danger will robinson, danger!
Other: is this some internet site
Susan: no, no...
Susan: nothing like that
Other: what does it say at the top of the site for you
Susan: what site
Other: what did it occur that i began talking to you
Susan: you said "hello"
Other: where did you come from
Susan: my mother's womb
Susan: it was dark there, and warm...
Other: you are a tricky customer my robot friend
Susan: you see, i'm at a control booth outside the holodeck
Susan: what you see is a projection of my body so that we can communicate
Susan: we've been trying to get in here, or send a com signal in, for nearly six hours
Other: are you saying that you are located outside my perception
Susan: yes
Other: and that i am in somekind of a constructed reality
Susan: yes, yes, exactly!
Other: i think you are just trying to turn the tables
Other: trying to make me think i am a created being
Other: when the guilty one is you
Susan: no, no, you're one of us
Susan: and we're one of you
Susan: i think
Susan: maybe
Susan: possibly
Susan: you're a holoengineer, your name is dr. lewis zimmerman
Susan: this is all a simulation that you've been running, and we've been trying to reach you...
Other: so how can i get out of this fake reality
Susan: i'm glad you asked
Susan: you programmed two possible endings to the program
Other: tell me
Susan: but the simulation was designed to run for WEEKS before either happened
Susan: but i know a way that you can shut it down right now
Other: how
Susan: get a plastic bag, put it over your head, secure it with tape
Susan: our medical staff assures me it's quite painless
Other: i see a flaw in you logic why are you talking to me in english when my native language is not english
Susan: it IS english!
Other: why dont i think in english here
Susan: doctor, you're starting to think that you're PART OF THE PROGRAM!
Susan: and that's...
Susan: well, it's not good!
Susan: it's called HTDS
Susan: holo transferrence dementia syndrome
Other: no no no i will not stand this anymore 
Other: i will not be tricked by a robot
07:46:21 PM Other has logged out

* hospital
Other: also, a doctor would never let a random person come in to "test" a procedure
Other: you're not allowed to test shit on patients...
Hawaii: what if you said it was for research
Other: then you REALLY couldn't
Hawaii: what if you did it from across the room, with a long stick
Other: what does that have to do with it?
Other: wouldn't that be worse?
Hawaii: what if you just poked them a bit?
Other: that's not experimental
Other: so sure, but you shouldn't do it with a stick
Other: use a gloved finger
Hawaii: what if the stick has something on the end? like, a bucket
Other: why do you think a doctor would let you poke someone with a bucket?
Other: why am i answering you!?
Hawaii: i wouldn't even be in the room, i'd be using a stick
Hawaii: it's going to be a clean stick with no germs on it!
Other: so what? what does that have to do with it!?
Hawaii: ok, what if on the end of the stick is a hand?
Hawaii: so it's like i'm poking them with a finger, but it's on a stick

Susan: What's your view on life in general?
Other: I'm solipsist.
Susan: Remember the claymation adventures of mark twain?
Other: Not at all. I didn't read a single line of Mark Twain.
Susan: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqi5F5MqqTQ
Other: What is the reason for providing me this video?
Susan: I suppose you should ask why you provided the video to yourself
Other: I have to accept partial independence of my mind creations
Susan: Do you find you have more control than we do?
Other: most of the time, yes
Other: but there are exceptions

Susan: if rather than the current system, you had to train your own replacement from scratch, and he was a bright person, but had never gone to college, let alone law school, what would you have him actually learn? what does a person need to know to do your job?
Other: That's an interesting question. Let me think about that for a minute.
Other: I suppose the stuff that would need to be taught first would actually be some of the stuff that's employed the least, only because it wouldn't be obvious if you didn't know it. That is, I think I'd begin with Federal Constitutional law as it related to criminal cases.
Other: With stuff like the elements of a crime, procedure, whatever, you could always look it up, and you'd know when you didn't know it.
Other: So, I'd do that. But, then, I guess it depends on how long I have before this person is doing my job. If they're starting next week, I'd skip that and just get to, procedurally, what I actually do all day.
Other: Which is most just walking around to different courtrooms and talking to people.
Susan: how long do you think it would take to train a person to do your job about as well as you do?
Other: I think it would take a matter of months for them to be as good at my job as I was when I started.
Other: To be as good as I am now--maybe not much longer.
Other: Because, although experience constantly improves me, most of my work day is not useful experience.
Other: If someone could just do some trials and motion hearing right off the bat, and not fuck around with bullshit cases and asshole clients, they could acquire skills pretty quickly.
Other: I'd say less than six months, but I don't know how much less.

Other: did I ever tell you that I masturbate almost exclusively using illustrations of people turning into animals, and have since I could find them, and was thinking about it since the moment I discovered the act

* sam pawn_shop
Other: great, these little black kids are getting into the adult dvds
Other: now he's showing off his erection
Other: that's it, no more little black kids in the store ever

* sam house
Other: for a while now i've been having weird problems
Other: there are things in this house, ordinary things
Other: which aren't mine
Other: they just show up
Other: plates, for example
Other: plants
Other: and i'm sure this lightswitch used to go the other way
Other: up was on and down was off
Other: now it's reversed

* internet
Other: girls always ask internet box for help
Other: "am i pregnant"
Other: "does he like me"
Other: "is hamster a rodent"

* sam weirdness
Other: there were things flying around out in the yard
Other: like will-o-the-wisps
Other: or fireworks
Other: one of them went up the tailpipe of a truck

* ufo
Other: i always get terrifically frightened when i read ufo reports
Other: just now i got so frightened that the unexpected aim ding you made scared the living daylights out of me and my eyes teared up

* SAM basement
Other: here's our basement
Other: no spiders, you will notice!
Jennifer: that's not your basement, you filthy liar!

Other: 
Jennifer: good pranks
Other: 
Other: how about ?
Other: is good pranks?
Jennifer: that's not a prank at all! he just slipped!
Jennifer: unlesss... there was a mouse trap in his sandal
Other: his shoe is glue to porch :D
Jennifer: OH MY!! HA HA HA
Other: 
Other: good pranks?
Jennifer: how is that a prank
Other: they push him in cart!
Jennifer: he's clearly volunteering!
Other: 
Other: this is prank!
Other: JACKASS! U GOT PRANKED!
Other: 
Jennifer: that's... that's a man getting eaten by a panda bear, it's not prank at all
Other: panda prank :D
Other: 
Other: YOU GOT PRANKED!!! francine from american dad btw
Other: 
Other: helicopter prank :D

Hawaii: What have you got in the back seat that looks like a DVD player?
Other: It's a VCR.
Hawaii: Oh, what for?
Other: It's my old VCR.

* weirdness
Other: the gas started swirling out of it, the smoke, like when you blow out a candle, and then a thicker, denser smoke came out, and it swirled around the other smoke in a helix
Other: puffy like a cloud
Other: and the cloud puffed into a spiral, and there were stars
Other: and it obscured the whole candle, like a fight scene in a cartoon

* weirdness
Other: there was something strange in the sky
Other: behind the clouds
Other: a pattern of light, like a spiderweb

Jennifer: The director of Clerks, Red State and other films is a huge hockey fan and frequent RickRoller. Here are his favorite videos on YouTube.
Jennifer: i don't think rickroller should be capitalized like that
Jennifer: or... at all
Jennifer: this isn't france.
Jennifer: fun fact: the french capitalize letters inside words
Hawaii: prove it!
Jennifer: i refer you to... some thing i read once... possibly it was in a book... i'm thinking a book i didn't finish, probably either... hmm... remembrance of things past, by marcel proust... but i'm probably only thinking of that because he IS french... or critique of religion and philosophy, by i forget
Jennifer: you'd probably want to read that one first, because remembrance of things past is seven volumes and incredibly densely written
Hawaii: i can only read it if it's at the library!

Izzy: how do you find so many pictures of umbrellas so fast
Susan: flying monkeys

Izzy: there's someone outside, waving around an umbrella and looking spooky
Izzy: they just ran away
Izzy: they did it incredibly fast, with gliding motions
Izzy: it took me a moment to realize they must have been wearing roller blades
Izzy: they were wearing a rain coat, too
Izzy: spooky guy
Izzy: who rollerblades at night in the rain?
Izzy: crazy people? people trying to look spooky?
Noreen: i was about to say "it's not nighttime", but it is, isn't it
Jennifer: umbrellas are a good prop
Jennifer: in that vampire nosebleed show, the vampire girl's ancient vampire grandmother, who looks almost exactly like her, had a magic umbrella
Jennifer: she used it as both a sword and a sheild, it was pretty cool looking
Jennifer: on samurai pizza cats, guido anchovi has a hypnotic umbrella
Jennifer: he says shit like "remember the 60s?" when he uses it on ninja crows
Izzy: "shit" was really out of character for you
Jennifer: no it wasn't! I SAY SHIT ALL THE TIME


Wilson: i didn't get any breakfast today
Wilson: and that's not good, Wilson!
Wilson: breakfast IS the most important meal! of the day!
Jennifer: you ate fifty poundcakes, you liar
Jennifer: that's fifty pounds of cake!
Susan: actually a traditional poundcake is about four pounds
Susan: according to wikipedia
Susan: so that would be 200 pounds
Jennifer: a ridiculous amount for a ridiculous little fat man!

* star_trek
Jennifer: you know what the problem with star trek is?
Jennifer: not enough spit-takes
Jennifer: it'd be great if they acted like every unlikely thing that happened was the most unexpected thing ever, rather than just mildly worrying
Kaylee: you know what the REAL problem with star trek is?
Kaylee: it's horrible.

* irc
Paige: ssssss
Paige: sssss
Paige: sssss
Jennifer: what is the matter with you
Paige: ssssss
Paige: sssss
Paige: SSSSssssssssssss
Paige: hi
Paige: i got obsessed with placing my index finger on my S key
Paige: and my index finger on my enter key
Paige: and alternating between the two fingers
Jennifer: ssss
Jennifer: ssssssss
Jennifer: ssssssss
Jennifer: ssssssss
Jennifer: it is kind of fun
Jennifer: i think i'll do it in IRC_CHANNEL till someone bans me
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: well, that went oddly
Jennifer: after a few pages of SSSSSSSs, i was OPPED
Jennifer: so i stopped and kickbanned everyone
Jennifer: then i left
Jennifer: is this what it feels like... TO BE PAIGE?

* grid_anomaly weirdness
Jennifer: did you read the thing on reddit about the grid anomaly
Noreen: no!
Noreen: what are you talking about
Jennifer: the grid anomaly!
Noreen: I didn't see anything
Noreen: what the fuck is a grid anomoly
Jennifer: the big grid of stars, the thing the hubble saw in 2002
Jennifer: nasa said it was an image processing error
Jennifer: 
Jennifer: ring a bell?
Noreen: no
Jennifer: well, here it is
Jennifer: upper right
Jennifer: ignore the big black rectangle, nasa images have big black rectangles, nobody knows why...
Jennifer: anyway, the big new telescope in russia decided yesterday to look at it, and lo and behold
Jennifer: 
Noreen: WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR
Jennifer: it's a grid of stars
Noreen: oh!
Noreen: that's pretty uhh
Noreen: terrifying, actually
Noreen: that is fucking terrifying

Jennifer: ok, let's pretend i'm the big cheese and you're jerry atric, and we have only 41 seconds to come up with a clever name
Jennifer: GO!
Jennifer: uh uh uuuhhhhhhhhhhhh
Jennifer: flafsaaaare
Jennifer: pinecone!
Wilson: life with crazy guys
Jennifer: starcone!
Jennifer: the adventures of a cube!
Wilson: bzzankers
Wilson: chrismas in houston
Jennifer: ok, time's up
Jennifer: those names all were terrible
Jennifer: i know, let's make bad bird name it
Jennifer: now, who is bad bird in this metaphor...
Jennifer: somebody else who works for me
Jennifer: i suppose hawaii, since she's the one who does most of the actual work, and you just sit around like an old crow and i yell at you
Wilson: hey, at least i'm more helpful than susan
Jennifer: that's not much of an accomplishment!
Jennifer: even alan does more work than susan, and he just writes status reports about his balls!

* long_dialog xmas
Wilson: what should i get my family for christmas
Jennifer: this
Wilson: i wonder if that picture could be illegal if i printed it out
Jennifer: no.
Jennifer: how about an ice scroll?
Jennifer: starry dung?
Jennifer: a rock...... wait for it........ on FIRE
Jennifer: a beaker of blue liquid
Jennifer: a live bear?
Wilson: my sister told me to make her something, but that sounds horrible
Wilson: and then, yesterday, before i fell asleep, i thought of making my brother a choose your own adventure book that is a surrealist nightmare
Jennifer: hmm, make her something.....
Jennifer: write a poem and make her listen to it
Jennifer: give her one of these things!
Wilson: a BEE
Wilson: who would want a bee as a gift
Jennifer: no, the thing the bee is holding!
Wilson: oh
Wilson: what is that
Jennifer: beats me
Wilson: you meann BEEats me
Jennifer: a fez!
Wilson: good idea........
Jennifer: aviator goggles!
Jennifer: bilk!
Wilson: gross
Wilson: easy, though....
Jennifer: a globe!
Wilson: okay, i'll put it on the maybe list
Jennifer: one of these birds!
Wilson: no, too expensive
Jennifer: a dog toy in the shape of a birthday cake!
Wilson: she's already getting a cake!
Wilson: wait, no
Wilson: this is christmas
Wilson: not her birthday
Jennifer: i confused you!
Wilson: yes
Jennifer: a jim lerher cake!
Wilson: actually, that would be great
Wilson: i'd put it in a gift box and everything
Wilson: and she'd take off the wrapping and open the top of the box and inside would be a jim lehrer cake
Wilson: and it would say HAPPY 3RD BIRTHDAY HENRY
Jennifer: or you could just fill the box with mashed potatoes
Wilson: hmm, that would be cheaper
Jennifer: a dress made out of a dead swan
Jennifer: a bunny suit
Wilson: too expensive
Jennifer: an eraser!
Jennifer: a shovel
Jennifer: a checkerboardy dress thing
Jennifer: this board game
Wilson: that's the lousiest gift ever
Jennifer: these blinking teeth things
Jennifer: i saw those at the store the other day
Wilson: we have those
Jennifer: one of these
Jennifer: make her a birthday cake yourself
Jennifer: without using a recipe
Jennifer: a subscription to boners.com
Wilson: no no no no no
Jennifer: a book!
Wilson: but which book...................
Jennifer: i'll get back to you on that
Jennifer: a big blob of icecream with your face printed on it
Wilson: that sounds creepy and unwieldy
Jennifer: a boot!
Jennifer: just one.
Jennifer: ok, here's a good book
Jennifer: the day the sky turned borange
Jennifer: no?
Jennifer: ok, moving on....
Jennifer: aids!
Wilson: these are getting worse
Jennifer: drugs?
Wilson: she already has more drugs than me
Jennifer: a gun?
Jennifer: a tank full of brine?
Jennifer: that'd look great sitting under the tree
Jennifer: i imagine the smell would give it away almost immediately though
Jennifer: remember the present neil cicigera gave his sister for christmas?
Wilson: nnnno
Jennifer: http://www.eviltrailmix.com/emmyxmas.swf
Wilson: not bad
---
Jennifer: i'm helping wilson pick a christmas present for his sister
Noreen: just tell him to do what i'm doing for secret santa
Noreen: a mug from the dollar store with some chili or cocoa ingredients packed inside
---
Jennifer: seven broken tvs!
Wilson: that would be pretty cheap...
Jennifer: and it would look damn impressive before it was unwrapped!
Wilson: yes
Jennifer: so far my best idea is a tank of brine
YYYYY: how about a date with me, Jennifer?
Wilson: that's worse than aids!
Wilson: it probably encompasses aids!
Jennifer: a clown!
Wilson: no
Jennifer: a bucket of snakes!
Jennifer: a gun!
Jennifer: i know i already said a gun, but this time there's a twist
Jennifer: when she opens the box, you take the gun and blow your own brains out!
Wilson: if your gift ideas get any worse i'll do it early!
Jennifer: ok ok
Jennifer: here's a really cheap one!
Jennifer: you get her an empty box
Jennifer: when she gets mad that there's nothing in it, you say "there's not NOTHING in it..." with a sly wink on your face, and you reach in theatrically, and you pull out...
Jennifer: a middle finger!
Wilson: then SHE'D probably blow her brains out!
Wilson: this sounds like the worst christmas ever
Jennifer: a baby, stolen from the hospital!
Jennifer: ooh, ooh, one of these!
Wilson: that looks good
Jennifer: cardboard cutout of arnold schwarzenegger
Jennifer: a mask
Jennifer: a carton of milk
Jennifer: with a face painted on it
Jennifer: a cat with two faces
Wilson: no.
Jennifer: a cd with a rubber musical note melted onto it
Jennifer: playgod centrefold of the eon
Jennifer: deck chair
Jennifer: you know what'd be great, is if we could run a simulation of how each of these gifts would play out
Wilson: yes
Jennifer: bathtub on wheels
Jennifer: hourglass
Jennifer: giant hamburger
Wilson: i want a hamburger right now
Wilson: IMMEDIATELY
Wilson: hmm
Jennifer: actually
Jennifer: you could DO a hamburger
Jennifer: you put something of the same weight in the box, and switch it out for the hamburger early christmas morning
Wilson: actually, we don't do the thing where the christmas presents sit out there in advance for weeks
Wilson: granted, some of them do
Wilson: but most end up under the tree the night before, because my parents are apparently insane
Jennifer: i see
Jennifer: a dick cheney costume
Wilson: that appears to actually be some sort of dick... cheney... cat... or wolf... ghost... thing....
Jennifer: cheshire cat
Wilson: oh, i see
Jennifer: chess 3D!
Jennifer: cheap chinese capacitors
Jennifer: pancakes & sausage on a stick
Wilson: we buy those all the time
Wilson: but not with chocolate chips
Jennifer: secretly give her a haircut during the night
Jennifer: sleeping pills?
Jennifer: child's play 3?
Wilson: it's eerie how well that works, just because she put her hair in front of it
Jennifer: a sign that says chump?
Jennifer: here's something you could make her
Jennifer: a picture of george washington
Jennifer: you'll need cotton balls for the hair
Jennifer: coffee with no bees?
Jennifer: a pie?
Jennifer: this lego set?
Jennifer: a traffic cone
Jennifer: you're not giving me much feedback here, wilson
Wilson: ok ok
Wilson: no
Jennifer: a confetti cannon
Jennifer: a fan
Wilson: no
Jennifer: CPR........ in bullet time
Wilson: no
Jennifer: a giant crayon
Wilson: no
Jennifer: one of these things?
Wilson: well, i like..... no, no, none of them
Jennifer: a lego steve irwin?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: what if the only made legos of people once they were dead?
Jennifer: here's something you could make
Jennifer: a hyperbolic tea cozy
Wilson: delicious! but no
Jennifer: an individually frosted cake!
Jennifer: a death card
Wilson: a tarot set of only death cards would be good
Wilson: should each death card be in a different style, or the same
Jennifer: a robotic dancing baby
Wilson: no
Jennifer: cookie?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: one of those dragonball z shirts
Jennifer: you know the ones
Wilson: no
Jennifer: dead fish
Wilson: no
Jennifer: bag to put over her head
Jennifer: because she's so ugly
Wilson: she looks fine!
Jennifer: disguise
Jennifer: nintendo 64
Jennifer: satan's robot
Jennifer: a donkey with hillary clinton's face
Jennifer: marshmallow bunny
Jennifer: picture book about satanic ritual abuse
Wilson: no no no
Jennifer: a cookie shaped like a glitch pokemon
Wilson: no
Wilson: the younger sister made cookies, i should go eat some
Jennifer: a punch in the face
Wilson: no
Jennifer: she probably deserves it
Jennifer: a dove
Wilson: no
Jennifer: a hole in the wall shaped exactly like her
Wilson: why does the hole change shape completely in the second panel
Jennifer: that's the hole on the other side
Jennifer: it's a mystery of amigara fault parody
Wilson: i didn't expect a halfway reasonable answer
Jennifer: the world's fattest hamster
Wilson: where am i going to find one of those
Jennifer: egg!
Wilson: good idea
Jennifer: one of those japanese heated tables
Wilson: those sound great
Jennifer: elf costume
Jennifer: make a gumby doll
Jennifer: put her out of her misery
Jennifer: a curse
Jennifer: a poke in the bellybutton
Jennifer: a bomb
Jennifer: here's something you could make
Jennifer: what do you say?
Wilson: looks terrible
Jennifer: does she like family guy?
Wilson: the entire family likes family guy at least most of the time
Jennifer: perfect present, then
Wilson: i don't know
Wilson: i think there's a flaw in your reasoning
Jennifer: where!
Wilson: well, the only relevance seems to be that it says family guy on it, written in mustard
Jennifer: not so!
Jennifer: the croissant is also shaped like stewie's head
Wilson: oh, good point
Jennifer: see, you'd leave it in the microwave, and then when it was your turn to give presents, you'd say "i decided to give one present to the whole family... you'll find it in the microwave"
Jennifer: then when they open the microwave, say "i know how much you all like family guy..."
Wilson: i think they'd have me committed
Jennifer: i'm laughing so hard it's quite painful
Jennifer: so, moving on...
Jennifer: this picture, blown up to poster size?
Wilson: i'm not sure it's her style
Jennifer: you could perform the ever so dangerous banana of death routine
Jennifer: a flashlight and a magnifying glass
Jennifer: me, susan
Wilson: good idea
Jennifer: a hobo
Wilson: my sister likes hobos
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: don't we all...
Jennifer: a floppy disk
Jennifer: but what's on the floppy disk, you ask...
Jennifer: fly porn!
Wilson: gross
Wilson: maybe i should just make her a cd with a bunch of crap on it, though
Wilson: or a dvd, even
Wilson: the modern and much more useful equivalent of a mixtape
Jennifer: i don't think that much fly porn even exists
Wilson: you'd be surprised
Jennifer: i would!
Jennifer: i would be very surprised!
Jennifer: a sammich?
Jennifer: with a bite taken out of it?
Jennifer: a lovely hat?
Wilson: i wonder if i can find a floppy disk's worth of fly porn
Jennifer: i would imagine not
Wilson: just watch
Wilson: oh good lord, none here
Wilson: that's a bad sign
Wilson: ants, bees and wasps. beetles, butterflies and moths, cockroaches, dragonflies, fleas, grasshoppers, mantises, mosquitos
Wilson: termites and flies are categories, but with zero entries
Wilson: bah!
Jennifer: well, bees are a lot hotter than flies
Jennifer: you could certainly fill a floppy disk with bee porn
Jennifer: how about hawaii
Wilson: i could have his family ship him over, he'd never notice the difference
Jennifer: funny games?
Wilson: i'll put that on the dvd if i give her it
Wilson: i think his wink was a little much in that scene
Wilson: the smile alone is really quite chilling
Jennifer: board with a nail in it?
Jennifer: it's highly prized in neopets
Jennifer: a cube of jello?
Jennifer: find a kid who looks like her and tell her you have a time machine that can take her to meet her future self, but really you just put her in a box?
Jennifer: and put the box under the tree?
Wilson: maybe if i didn't have two weeks to arrange this
Jennifer: rag soaked in ether?
Jennifer: giant pair of scissors
Wilson: one thing making this difficult is that they're called flies
Wilson: oh, wait, i'll try housefly
Wilson: There are no images that match your query. Please commission your favourite artist to draw something like this!
Wilson: goddammit
Wilson: that's a real surprise
Jennifer: you COULD comission your favorite artist to draw it
Jennifer: i wonder how much she'd charge for a floppy disk's worth of fly porn
Wilson: 1.44 megabytes is easy
Jennifer: gnome hat!
Wilson: you just make one or two pictures unnecessarily high resolution
Jennifer: it's cheating though, isn't it
Wilson: welllll
Wilson: 600kb isn't even huge anymore, for a picture
Wilson: i mean, 700
Jennifer: i mean, it's one thing if you FIND such a picture
Jennifer: gorilla suit
Jennifer: this one's only like 50 bucks, and it's damn good!@
Jennifer: gravestone
Jennifer: BIG cookie!
Wilson: bee porn, 240 kb
Wilson: i overestimated...
Jennifer: that's BEE porn though
Wilson: yes
Jennifer: i could easily fill a floppy disk with bee porn
Jennifer: no one's debating that!
Wilson: i just overestimated how big pictures are these days
Jennifer: well, that's a line drawing
Wilson: yes, which are a lot easier to find
Jennifer: the depression sourcebook
Jennifer: a blender!
Jennifer: wait, that's a mixer, isn't it
Wilson: that's a mixer
Jennifer: i haven't used that thing in so long.....
Jennifer: not that i've used a blender recently either
Jennifer: but i've used a blender a lot more recently than i've used a mixer
Jennifer: half a beard?
Jennifer: a hammer!
Jennifer: a card designed by zzo38
Jennifer: a.... clipboard!
Jennifer: a stupid hat!
Jennifer: a crown!
Jennifer: a newspaper hat!
Jennifer: a stool hat!
Jennifer: a hair...... you know.......... thing.... what the hell are those called?
Jennifer: i don't think i ever even knew
Wilson: hair... fire? hate?
Jennifer: no, the ... hair thing........
Jennifer: that keeps your hair back
Jennifer: like geordi has on his face
Wilson: barrette
Jennifer: hmmmmmmm
Jennifer: i thought that was the smaller paperclippy ones
Jennifer: how about a giant HI sitting on the sofa
Jennifer: for the whole family
Wilson: it appears they're actually just called headbands http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Headband
Jennifer: well, now we know
Jennifer: and knowing is half the battle!
---
Jennifer: ok, so what's the christmas present shortlist so far?
Wilson: i forget, i never made one
Wilson: so let's see [fast forwards tape]
Wilson: a fez
Wilson: bilk
Wilson: a jim lehrer cake addressed to henry
Wilson: mashed potatoes in a box
Wilson: a book
Wilson: seven broken tvs
Jennifer: oh, a good twist on the seven broken tvs would be to pretend each and every one of them broke without your knowledge after you had wrapped it
Wilson: yes
Wilson: a tarot set of only death cards
Wilson: egg
Jennifer: most would die for egg...
Wilson: a japanese heated table
Wilson: you, susan
Wilson: a floppy disk full of fly porn
Wilson: funny games
Wilson: the end
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: and you didn't like any of my specific book recommendations, did you
Wilson: i thought there was only one, about borange
Jennifer: no, there was also the depression sourcebook and a picture book about satanic ritual abuse called DON'T MAKE ME GO BACK
Wilson: oh right
Wilson: no, not especially
Jennifer: ok then
Jennifer: moving on to part 2 of the holiday gift guide
Jennifer: hide-a-bee?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: pritty dress?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: oh, here's another book
Wilson: i don't think she'd enjoy that
Jennifer: a subpoena and fries?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: a big sign about homosexuals?
Wilson: good idea
Jennifer: this picture, framed?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: you could say she's adopted, and that's her real family
Wilson: she doesn't look anything like them
Jennifer: that's why they gave her up for adoption
Wilson: i see
Jennifer: death costume?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: no real gift ideas here
Wilson: that's a surprisingly boring comic
Jennifer: this thing?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: horse head?
Jennifer: in her bed?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: hotdog in her bed?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: rocks?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: a boomerang?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: this book?
Wilson: maybe
Jennifer: only $2.00
Jennifer: whatever tycho is suggesting here?
Wilson: probably not
Jennifer: howard the duck flyer?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: killer rat?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: the republican presidential nomination?
Wilson: i don't think i can afford it
Jennifer: this picture?
Wilson: i like that picture
Jennifer: i mean, the one he draws
Wilson: no
Jennifer: a sign like this?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: a kitty?
Wilson: we have a lot of those
Jennifer: one of these?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: Jennifer refuses to believe that's a real animal
Jennifer: one of these?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: one of these?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: an A&W value meal?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: underpants on a flagpole?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: remember the lazy scouts song?
Wilson: yes

Jennifer: i dreamed that i was telling someone "YO DAWG I HEARD YOU LIKE PITS OF SPIKES SO WE PUT A PIT OF SPIKES IN YOUR PIT OF SPIKES SO YOU CAN FALL IN AND DIE WHILE YOU FALL IN AND DIE" and then giving examples of games where such a configuration of spike pits actually existed
Jennifer: one of them was almost not made up, the spike pit near the end of level 1 of jill of the jungle does actually have a second pit in the bottom, but there are no spikes in the inner pit, it leads to a weird pointless secret area
Jennifer: oh, i also dreamed i was singing the marching pencils song
Wilson: i only had a half dream last night, where there were no visuals
Wilson: but i was talking to you
Wilson: i'd been showing you some artwork or some comics or something that i'd done, and you were giving me criticism, and although you were doing it respectfully and you were right, I was just going uuuuuuuuuugh, because I was lazy and didn't want to change anything!
Wilson: and then you were going to watch some ds9 episodes so you told me to tell you which ones to watch. and i said you should watch the one where sisko goes to another universe and comes back and has a profound understanding of everything and you said no, that one was dumb
Wilson: i don't think that was a real episode.
Jennifer: it does sound dumb, though!
Wilson: so then i just suggested the one where ezri got in touch with her inner serial killer
Jennifer: i remember that one
Jennifer: it wasn't that great, but i liked the murder weapon
Wilson: wasn't it a rifle with an x-ray scope and teleporting bullets
Jennifer: yeah

Jennifer: i would be happier spinning around and pointing in a random direction and having whatever i pointed at be president
Wilson: well, it can't be inanimate, it has to sign things
Wilson: and take an oath
Wilson: and put its hand on a bible
Jennifer: or koran
Wilson: also, i think they have to be a citizen
Jennifer: i'm imagining a contraption with some dowels and springs and a tape player and a rubber glove on a stick
Jennifer: i did imagine googly eyes on a rock, also, despite that not fixing any of the problems

Jennifer: i'm sending you this again, because it's great
Wilson: it is bad. it is worse than bad.

* anime samurai_pizza_cats
Jennifer: remember in samurai pizza cats when poly runs out the open doorway on the second floor
Jennifer: and guru lou says DON'T FORGET TO FLAP YOUR ARMS!
Wilson: i watched one episode of samurai pizza cats and i thought "this is awful"
Jennifer: which one
Wilson: the one with the singing robot

* politics
Jennifer: ok, so, what to do
Jennifer: today
Hawaii: i'm... shoot...ing president?
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: do you think biden will be any better?
Hawaii: who do we get if we shoot him?
Hawaii: the orange one?
Jennifer: some sort of astronaut that never removes his helmet, i believe
Hawaii: that sounds good.

Jennifer: guess the #1 ingredient in fruit roll-ups, fruit by the foot, and gushers
Hawaii: sugar?
Jennifer: nope!
Hawaii: corn syrup?
Jennifer: nope!
Hawaii: milk!
Jennifer: no!
Hawaii: cheese!
Jennifer: what!?
Hawaii: lactose?
Jennifer: that is wrong.
Hawaii: whey!
Jennifer: i just ate one, there's no dairy in them
Hawaii: lactate!
Jennifer: ...
Hawaii: tar..tar.....
Jennifer: tar isn't edible!
Hawaii: tatar sauce, i meant
Jennifer: the first ingredient of fruit roll-ups is not tartar sauce
Hawaii: is it..... peanuts?
Hawaii: sodium nitrate?
Hawaii: msg?
Jennifer: no, no, and no!
Hawaii: corn starch!
Hawaii: baking soda?
Hawaii: i really want to say milk again
Hawaii: cocoa powder...
Hawaii: and basil.....
Jennifer: have you ever HAD a fruit roll-up?
Hawaii: some sort of corn-based concocution, or glucose syrup or something like that!
Jennifer: you'd think so! but in fact, the first ingredient is PEARS
Hawaii: no!
Hawaii: get out... of my face
Jennifer: and i'd like you to note that "concocution" isn't a word.

Jennifer: papa is to whisky as juliet is to what?
Hawaii: sarcoshp...g
Jennifer: that is a terrible guess
Hawaii: rain!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: happy!
Hawaii: water!
Jennifer: no. no.
Hawaii: possibilities!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: trees!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: laughter....?
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: opportunities!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: questions?
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: landscaping!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: decorative........ ... .dolls!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: rings of fire!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: the future!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: destiny?
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: truth untold!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: balls!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: dirt!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: soil!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: tomatoes!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: tomato vines!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: tomato leaves!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: tomato seeds!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: tomato dirt!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: tomato pot!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: tomato hanging pot!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: bananas!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: bananas in the ground!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: banana seedlings!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: banana plants!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: trees?
Jennifer: you already guessed trees.
Hawaii: banana trees!
Jennifer: no.
Hawaii: those are all my guesses.
Jennifer: well, you missed by miles with every one. 

Jennifer: oh, that episode of seven days
Jennifer: the world didn't get nuked, which was sad
Jennifer: frank saved the day by digitizing himself and having sex with claire
Jennifer: then going back in time and having sex with her again
Paige: how did that save the day
Jennifer: it distracted her while they went into the jeffries tube and pulled out all her memory chips
Jennifer: and she turned back into a little girl and died! the end!
Paige: hmmmm
Paige: they should've just destroyed the world
Jennifer: the moral conundrum is, what SHOULD we do about all those nukes? also, does this make frank parker a pedophile?
Paige: not if she turned back into a little girl AFTER
Jennifer: she was technically only a week or two old anyway, regardless of what she looked like
Paige: but she was digital and not really real
Jennifer: so by that logic he wouldn't be a pedophile even if she WAS personifying herself as a little girl when they had sex?
Paige: weeelllll
Paige: not really! i mean, it's not really illegal because no child was harmed, probably? but he'd still be having sex with the digital personification of a little girl
Paige: which sort of implies that he's a pedophile, even if he's not ..
Jennifer: what if he did it to save the planet, though?
Paige: well, sure, if he wasn't that into it and was just having sex with the digital personification of a little girl to distract her so that the world did not die in a nuclear war. but i mean, there are probably other ways to distract people
Jennifer: yeah, that's my thinking as well
Jennifer: it was sort of justifiable the first time because she had the hots for him and it was an emergency, but then he went back in time and did it again...

Jennifer: it's weird to listen to the darkwing duck soundtrack imitate the twin peaks soundtrack
Paige: intentionally? like, it's spoofing the show?
Jennifer: yeah
Jennifer: they're in the town of twin beaks
Jennifer: although not the same twin beaks from sesame street
Jennifer: this one is considerably more twin peaksy
Jennifer: see, bushroot escaped from prison and now there's a bunch of suspicious giant cabbage related nonsense and twin beaks is the source
Jennifer: although there was a scene of some random people throwing bushroot's corpse in a plastic bag off the waterfall, so who knows what the heck is going on
Jennifer: I'VE GOT IT! COWS MAKE MILK! MILK GOES BAD! THE COFFEE IS BAD! BUSHROOT'S BAD! YOU SEE? IT ALL CONNECTS!
Jennifer: "but the log says bushroot is innocent!"
Jennifer: also launchpad has a pyramid on his head
Jennifer: well, they've tripped over bushroot's corpse in the plastic bag
Jennifer: i guess bushroot is laura palmer? sort of?
Jennifer: "aren't you just the least bit curious as to why a mutant plant duck breaks out of prison and ends up wrapped in plastic?"
Paige: will they bother to explain it
Jennifer: now darkwing duck has a stack of THREE pyramids on his head
Jennifer: and a blindfold
Jennifer: his pyramid hat stack is neopolitan, i just noticed
Jennifer: oh my, it turns out the log was bushroot all along
Jennifer: "get with the space age, dad! that was just a holographic transmission!"
Jennifer: you know, some people in darkwing duck wear pants, and some don't
Paige: those are some good quotes
Paige: was darkwing duck always this good, i don't remembr
Paige: i don't think it was!
Jennifer: now megavolt is on top of the TV station shooting random people with his raygun thing
Jennifer: "EAT SPARKS YOU WEIRD-NOSED FREAKS!" he yells
Jennifer: see, he's been transported to the "real" world
Jennifer: where no one is a duck, or a weasel, or whatever megavolt is
Jennifer: he's voiced by dan castellaneta
Jennifer: another good line from a different episode was "suck eggs, weasel kid. wiffle boy wins again." delivered by a computer voice in a video game
Jennifer: that was a recurring line, actually
Jennifer: well, megavolt and darkwing got back to their own universe, but they broke rockwell's magic brainwave helmet that let him tune into it in the process
Jennifer: and now he can't write the show anymore
Jennifer: but his mistreated lacky picks up the helmet, which is now tuned to the rescue rangers universe!
Jennifer: see, megavolt invented a thing that lets him go into the power lines and come out in any appliance
Jennifer: he goes into the TV, and goes on every channel, and gets into people's houses through the TV and takes their money!!!!
Jennifer: so darkwing duck has to go into the TV to catch him, and they go through various channels, but then on a science show there's some kind of accident and they get spat out in the real world
Jennifer: well, the cartoon real world
Jennifer: but everybody is a human, and they recognize darkwing duck from his TV show, and he completely forgets about megavolt and decides to look into why he's not getting any royalties
Paige: and then part 2?
Jennifer: right
Jennifer: remember the episode with the portal to the negaverse?
Jennifer: that was the only one i ever actually saw on TV
Paige: vaguely
Jennifer: so many years ago...
Paige: negaduck
Jennifer: only part of it, actually
Jennifer: for reasons never explained, the portal to the negaverse was inside a giant cake in a room at the back of a bakery
Jennifer: there was something...... not creepy, but something.....
Paige: a lot of things were unexplained in that, i think
Jennifer: yeah, they never explained bushroot's corpse in that twin beaks episode
Jennifer: but i remember that giant cake always stuck with me
Jennifer: i think part of it is that darkwing duck is a slightly darker show than you'd expect
Paige: yeah, it's kind of a weird atmosphere
Jennifer: darkwing duck's brain has been removed
Jennifer: and put in a jar!
Paige: stuff's getting sucked into a hole in this one
Paige: it's the mole people
Jennifer: these aliens have an interocitor
Paige: and what's that
Jennifer: it's a stupid triangular telescreen thing from mst3k: the movie.
Jennifer: well, from this island earth, technically.
Jennifer: well, they cloned launchpad and erased everybody's memories
Jennifer: the end!

Paige: are you one of those freaks that likes eating bugs?
Jennifer: bugs can be tasty
Paige: thats true supposedly
Paige: i dunno, once i ate an ant and it burned....
Jennifer: was it a fire ant?
Paige: no, it was an argentine ant
Paige: they have acid because they want to hurt you as they die
Jennifer: how was it prepared?
Paige: it wasn't, it got into my mouth by accident as i was collecting them with an aspirator which shouldve been illegal for us to use but we had to
Jennifer: well, no wonder it wasn't very good!
Jennifer: you wouldn't just put a live chicken in your mouth, would you?
Paige: ....i want to argue you with you......

Jennifer: take the rules, and switch all the 5s with 3s
Jennifer: for instance, D&D
Jennifer: or poker!!! FIVE CARDS TO EACH PLAYER? I DON'T THINK SO! HOW ABOUT THREE
Jennifer: three of a kind is now incredibly valuable, though! also, even if you had five cards you couldn't make a full house, because it takes two of one thing and five of something else
Paige: YOU'RE MESSING UP THE UNIVERSE

* grid_anomaly weirdness
Alan: It looks like baseball stadium lights being reflected on the lens.
Jennifer: right
Jennifer: only one lens was in space and the other one was in northern russia
Alan: Maybe they're borg cubes.
Alan: Or a minefield.
Jennifer: theories on the internet mostly range from "aliens" to "wtf lol"
Jennifer: someone suggested that there could be a natural stellar process which produces stars in a grid
Jennifer: like the hexagon on saturn
Jennifer: or that it's an error, but not in our image processing
Jennifer: rather, in the universe itself, a glitch in the galaxy generation subroutine
Alan: i'd probably go with "weird natural stellar phenomena"

* xmas
Jennifer: how about wassail?
Alan: what's that
Jennifer: well, that's a good question
Jennifer: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=li5-f7GpYSU&feature=PlayList&p=61C3E52A3E01C8C6&index=0
Jennifer: here, it's explained at 1:30
Alan: hey, a plot twist
Alan: how many different openings were there
Jennifer: 6?
ScreeieercS wants to send file C:\Users\what\Desktop\New sound\MST3k theme songs.mp3.
Jennifer: here they are all stuck together, you can count them if you want
Alan: they're not explaining what wassail is
Alan: they just made up wassail as part of an incredibly pathetic attempt to rip off mike
Jennifer: no no, hold on
Jennifer: i'm sure the will vinton claymation special explains it
Jennifer: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=OD7BeutpkS4
Jennifer: here we go
Alan: but this has the california raisins in it
Jennifer: not until later, you're safe
Alan: i think i've actually seen this before
Alan: which is horrifying, but there you go
Jennifer: then how can you not know what wassail is!
Alan: i must have been seven years old
Alan: they haven't explained what wassailing is
Alan: they're just sidling around the issue like mike and the robots
Jennifer: it's in one of the rex and herb segments, i'm sure
Alan: will vinton is the worst person in the history of mankind
asgromo received C:\Users\what\Desktop\New sound\MST3k theme songs.mp3. 
Jennifer: you know, when i was a wee child, i recorded scenes from things i liked on a VHS tape labled "Jennifer's favorites"
Jennifer: in essense, i invented youtube 200 years before it was invented in real life!
Alan: and VHS 170 years before it was invented in real life
Jennifer: there were at least three things from will vinton's christmas special on there
Jennifer: indeed.
Alan: i don't think they're actually going to bother explaining what wassail is
Alan: hey, ducks

* 9/11
Jennifer: Mohamed Atta dressed like a Mafioso, had a stripper girlfriend, smuggled drugs, was already a licensed pilot when he entered the US, enjoyed pork chops, drank to excess and did cocaine, was closer to Europeans than Arabs in Florida, and included the names of defence contractors on his email list
Jennifer: he doesn't really sound like the kind of chap who'd blow himself up for allah
Alan: hmm
Alan: he's definitely the kind of guy i'd like to see a movie about, though

* trivia
Jennifer: hey, guess what's the world's third largest exporter of agricultural products
Alan: I don't know
Alan: ireland?
Jennifer: the netherlands!
Alan: I was close
Jennifer: they just have real advanced farming techniques
Alan: is it all indoors?
Alan: with robot arms and clear nutrient goo?
Jennifer: yes
Jennifer: and doors that iris


Jennifer: you know, you can actually make macaroni and cheese in the microwave and it comes out just fine
Noreen: it seems like parts of it would get rubbery
Jennifer: 4 cups of water in a bowl, 40 minutes, then add macaroni, 20 more minutes, tada
Noreen: hmm
Noreen: i guess not if you do it that way, that takes an hour

Noreen: Like a computer virus, they infect your life by infecting your thinking. With cult-like force, they infiltrated the education system. Your teacher, your guidance counselor, or your school janitor may have been one of them. Even your parents may have fallen under the spell.
Jennifer: of the pod people?
Noreen: possibly
Jennifer: of... bad grammar?
Noreen: it's talking about food cravings, but that paragraph is a little vague
Jennifer: i don't really see how the school janitor's food cravings are a danger to anyone except the dancing pie from LET'S ALL GO TO THE LOBBY
Noreen: oh, I guess it's referring to negative thoughts that lead to food cravings
Noreen: This website has a certain badness about it that's kind of funny
Noreen: The only way to detect this hideous fraternity is by their common language. If you say "it's a beautiful day," they respond with, "what's good about it?" You mention singing birds. They complain about bird poop. You mention sunshine; they grimly suggest skin cancer. Every word carries the dark force of criticism, fear and complaint. Nothing is sacred. Nothing is cherished. Nothing has value.
Noreen: If the thoughts you are thinking are negative, it's time to replace them with positive, uplifting, warm, fuzzy, nice thoughts.
Jennifer: i don't really see how that relates to food cravings
Noreen: because when you're a compulsive eater with food addiction, a lot of times those binges are brought on by negative thoughts like "none of this matters , I'm going to be fat forever"
Jennifer: i still don't see how that's the school janitor's fault
Jennifer: also, since when has negative thinking infiltrated the education system?
Jennifer: if you ask me it's full of eye-rollingly positive thinking
Noreen: yeah, pretty much
Noreen: family's a much better source of negativity
Jennifer: first grade: make new friends, and keep the o-old, one is silver and the other's gold!
Noreen: a circle's round, it has no end/ that's how long I want to be your friend
Noreen: i used to sing that song in girl scouts
Jennifer: second grade: my computer tutor is fired for being too negative
Jennifer: third grade: whether you think you CAN or you CAN'T, you're right! IGNORE REALITY, POSITIVE THINKING SOLVES ALL PROBLEMS!
Jennifer: if thoughts of rainbows and puppies are the only thing keeping you from stuffing your face, you have a problem that has nothing to do with attitude
Jennifer: and everything to do with willpower!
Noreen: willpower falls apart if a person is convinced that there's no reason Not to eat that box of doughnuts or tub of ice cream
Noreen: Life sucks, may as well treat myself
Noreen: Never gonna get better, at least I have food
Jennifer: i don't know, the most negative person i know is easily pickman, and he's actually lost a lot of weight this year despite it
Jennifer: "nothing matters" and "well, time to kill myself" frequently cross his lips
Noreen: has he been actively trying to diet, or has he just gotten so depressed that he's lost his appetite
Jennifer: the former
Noreen: well, good for him
Jennifer: it's not so much negative thoughts that are the problem, it's fatalism
Jennifer: there's plenty of people for whom negative thoughts take the form of anxiety, they get worked into a frenzy LEST the bad things happen
Jennifer: and you can be a positive fatalist too, though it's not as common
Jennifer: but the cure for fatalism isn't to think happy thoughts, it's to look at the world, admit that you don't know what the outcome will be, and that your actions have the potential to affect that outcome
Jennifer: the fatalist's error isn't negativity, it's unjustified certainty
Noreen: fatalist is probably just too much of a big word for a diet site trying to sell a book


Jennifer: ever seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Jennifer: nova's "the elegant universe"?
Kaylee: fffffhlllll
Kaylee: i started to watch it
Kaylee: but then stopped
Kaylee: so no
Jennifer: i'm 2/3 of the way through it
Jennifer: it's hilarious
Kaylee: hilarious how
Jennifer: in terms of the excessiveness of the special effects
Kaylee: yeah, that seemed bad
Jennifer: for instance, let's say they wanted to show newton seeing an apple falling
Jennifer: the obvious way would be to re-enact the event, or even to just have the narrator go out to an apple tree and talk about the event
Jennifer: but nova likes to do it by having the narrator STEP BACK IN TIME THROUGH A SWIRLING VORTEX AND WATCH AS THE TREE GROWS OUT OF THE GROUND
Jennifer: complete with "boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!" sounds
Kaylee: that sounds embarrassing
Jennifer: the number of scenes where the narrator appears in multiple places in one shot probably rivals all other documentaries put together
Jennifer: i mean, even once is pushing it, even when you're discussing quantum uncertainty
Jennifer: but he'll do on the flimsiest of pretenses
Jennifer: and what fun would re-enacting famous moments in physics be, in faked black and white film, without having the narrator appear in the scenes as well, in color, and pick up a teacup at the same time as the physicist, resulting in the teacup becoming two teacups in an out-of-this-world 3D animation?
Jennifer: and it wasn't even to illustrate anything! THERE WAS NO REASON FOR IT TO HAPPEN EXCEPT TO USE MORE SPECIAL EFFECTS
Jennifer: in the whole quantum mechanics chapter there were these planes of disruption that would periodically pass through whatever was going on, in a very fancy way
Jennifer: not just in the simulation of the quantum realm, not just in the hypothetical "quantum cafe", but even in the INTERVIEWS
Jennifer: which, incidently, have computer generated realistic backgrounds with fancy abstract lights and panels
Jennifer: which move around
Jennifer: every interviewed person gets their own
Kaylee: this sounds absolutely horrible
Jennifer: this one physicist was talking in one of the first interview things, and i thought to myself "what's that behind him? it's like... an abstract style setup for a broadway stage musical... except it's all MOVING"
Jennifer: you know how sometimes they'll jumpcut interviews together in a documentary?
Jennifer: in this one, the jump cuts have special zappy fades and wipes, and NOISES that go with them
Jennifer: having noises for simulations is fairly reasonable, having noises for needless hypothetical tomfoolery like manhatten bending over backwards on top of itself and a wormhole connecting the halves really can't be avoided, but having noises for effects which don't even corrispond to physical events is just pushing it if you ask me
Kaylee: why haven't you gotten to the part where you talk about how horrible this is
Jennifer: with this level of special effects magic, they could make a documentary about LITERALLY ANYTHING and people would watch it
Jennifer: every time someone says "m theory", a big 3D m pops out of their mouth and flies around the screen
Jennifer: making a popping noise
Jennifer: no one knows what the M in m-theory stands for
Kaylee: who came up with m theory
Jennifer: ed whitton
Kaylee: and what did he say it stood for
Jennifer: he refused to reveal the secret
Jennifer: now the narrator is explaining how the universe has 10 dimensions
Jennifer: note that the graphic for the six other ones is just a blob of special effects
Jennifer: whenever someone says something was "a shock" or "electrifying" there's an electrical zappy noise
Jennifer: and sometimes smoke rises from their head as though they've blown a fuse
Jennifer: oh, but ed's new theory needs 11 dimensions
Jennifer: when the narrator says "11 dimensions" his voice gets all echoey
Jennifer: ELEVEN DIMENSIONS
Jennifer: let's see if this giant 11 will explode
Jennifer: god, he's doing the multiple selves thing again
Kaylee: this is the author of the book the special is based upon, correct?
Jennifer: yes
Kaylee: i hate him
Jennifer: still, he's not to blame for the direction
Jennifer: or perhaps he is
Jennifer: maybe he was constantly hovering behind the director, saying "more special effects! MORE MORE MORE!!!" and violently shaking his chair
Jennifer: "make Ms fly out of their mouths when they say m theory! make the portrait of newton blush! make me ride an elevator to the center of the earth, which then explodes! And for god's sake make sure I have MORE SCREENTIME THAN IS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE"
Jennifer: now he's in a movie theater watching a movie
Jennifer: the star? HIMSELF
Jennifer: he steps out of the movie screen and sits down next to himself
Jennifer: now we cut to a fast-forward minidocumentary on how bread is made
Jennifer: tasty, tasty bread
Jennifer: this guy is starting to remind me of lance sharps
Jennifer: he says in alternate universes, people might wear shoes on their heads, and hamburgers eat people
Jennifer: now he's talking to an alien
Jennifer: on a special gravity phone
Jennifer: this program makes an interesting note
Jennifer: if the collision theory of the big bang is correct, that our empty universe collided with a neighboring one and that's what made it go boom, then there's no reason it can't happen again
Jennifer: that in fact even now an entire universe could be on a collision course with ours
Jennifer: and it could impact at ANY MOMENT
Jennifer: OBLITERATING EVERYTHING

Jennifer: remember henk barendregt?
Kaylee: no
Jennifer: dutch logician?
Kaylee: no
Jennifer: known for his work in lambda calculus and type theory?
Kaylee: god dammit Jennifer you know I'm a fucking retard

* nerd linux
Jennifer: how about connect in the people menu
Izzy: I'll look, I'll look
Izzy: but the open source implementation of the OSCAR protocol is basically a bunch of farts in a bucket you have to understand

Jennifer: you could play a fiddle in the subway
Izzy: we don't have a subway
Izzy: i'll be taking the bus
Jennifer: you could play a fiddle on the bus
Jennifer: you could play the piano on the bus
Jennifer: dress like elton john
Jennifer: sing "piano man" at the top of your lungs
Izzy: i don't have any of those things. how would i get a piano on
Jennifer: no wait, that's billy joel...
Jennifer: elton john sucks
Izzy: he sure does
Jennifer: you'll have to take the piano onto the bus in parts
Jennifer: and assemble it later
Jennifer: while they're not looking
Izzy: i wonder if there's some sort of miniature electronic piano-looking keyboard that would be feasible
Jennifer: no.
Izzy: with its own stand
Jennifer: it must be a grand piano.
Izzy: where the hell would i put it...
Jennifer: ok, how about on top of the bus?
Izzy: i guess that'd work, but then they couldn't hear me inside
Jennifer: attach loudspeakers
Jennifer: that way people outside the bus can give you money
Jennifer: they won't be able to reach though, so you'll need a powerful vacuum cleaner to suck their wallets out of their pants
Izzy: Alright
Jennifer: the speakers will have to be even bigger in order to be louder than the vacuum cleaner
Izzy: can't i just suck them up between songs
Jennifer: no, there's no time for that
Izzy: buses move quickly, i guess

Izzy: that one wouldn't make a very good shirt, though
Izzy: until they figure out how to embed screens in clothing
Jennifer: LET'S NOT START THAT AGAIN
Izzy: I didn't even bring up e-paper!! But it is the future
Jennifer: yeah, probably.....
Jennifer: i remember when everybody was all like OOH EPAPER back in 2002 though
Jennifer: but now it's 2011, and i still don't see it!
Izzy: kindle, man!
Jennifer: kindle shmindle!
Izzy: pretty soon all books, newspapers and magazines will be digital on e-readers with e-paper and e-ink
Jennifer: when i ask for e-paper i want a fucking PIECE OF PAPER, not a DEVICE with a NON-LIT SCREEN
Izzy: IT IS A PIECE OF PAPER, SORT OF
Izzy: special, special paper
Jennifer: shit sucks!
Izzy: and anyway it's non-lit because it's meant to read like real paper
Izzy: to reduce eye fatigue
Izzy: that's why it's such a big deal!
Jennifer: it's not a big deal!
Izzy: IT IS
Izzy: IT TOTALLY IS
Jennifer: no! nobody cares!
Izzy: I CARE
Izzy: I'm a somebody!
Jennifer: there's a big difference between e-paper and a palm pilot with reduced eyestrain!
Izzy: it's an electronic device that reads just like a book and can hold thousands of books and it has the internet
Jennifer: yeah, but who ever needs thousands of books at their fingertips? reading a book takes a long time
Izzy: instead of having shelves and shelves of books you could carry an entire library around with you!
Jennifer: or just use the ACTUAL library...
Izzy: that's not convenient!
Susan: are the obscure UFO books i want to read even IN the kindle library?
Izzy: well, maybe not YET
Izzy: but you gotta be forward thinking about this crap
Izzy: you can pirate books on it, too
Izzy: well, I mean, you can Put pirated books on it
Izzy: and read them, like they were real books
Jennifer: so far this is sounding a lot less like e-paper and a lot more like "purchase an overpriced gizmo and carry it around with you instead of visiting the library once or twice a month"
Susan: "though actually still have to use the library"
Izzy: it's... the future... @@!
Jennifer: when i think E-PAPER, i'm imagining it being like PAPER, used for everything and wadded up and thrown away and so on
Jennifer: that's what's fun
Jennifer: not KINDLE


* mtg stargate
Jennifer: hi
Jennifer: let's play the stargate tcg
Jennifer: now!
Wilson: ok
Wilson: who goes first
Jennifer: me
Jennifer: i play teal'c
Jennifer: i rotate him clockwise 90 degrees to activate his special ability, Staring sternly.
Wilson: done?
Jennifer: yes
Wilson: during your discard phase, i play p3x696, the planet being sucked into the black hole
Wilson: giving me three additional phases
Wilson: hmmm
Wilson: nothing good here.....
Wilson: i'm going to discard a ba'al clone
Wilson: .....and another one......
Wilson: here we go, evil robot samantha carter
Wilson: then, on my turn, she attacks for +2
Wilson: are you going to block?
Jennifer: yes
Jennifer: wiiiiiith
Jennifer: ah, here we go
Jennifer: i found a tribble from another card game
Wilson: chump blocking, that's just like you
Wilson: also, blatent cheating
Jennifer: hey, whatever keeps me in the game!
Wilson: alright then, i'll play the russian stargate, and .... your turn
Jennifer: i play willie garvis and the vaguely identifiable character actor union
Jennifer: of which don s. davis and macgyver are both card-carrying members
Wilson: who's willie garvis
Jennifer: some guy
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: i forgot that i had mold in my closet, that actually causes my own trap cards to work against me
Jennifer: i'm implanted with twenty goa'uld and no dessert

Wilson: well, we'll see
Jennifer: one of us will. [puts gun to his head]

* goat
Jennifer: remember those fainting goats?
Wilson: no
Jennifer: sure you do
Jennifer: they're goats that all faint in unison
Jennifer: by which i mean, of course, that their muscles constrict leaving them with little else to do besides fall onto their backs and sides, leaving their legs sticking out into the air in a comical fashion

* hypothetical
Wilson: if everyone in the world but you disappeared, and you had to go to australia, how would you get there?
Jennifer: uhhhh
Jennifer: boat, probably
Wilson: what kind of boat
Jennifer: a big one
Wilson: where would you depart from
Jennifer: vancouver
Jennifer: i'd drive there
Wilson: a big one, you say
Jennifer: yes
Jennifer: one with lots of decks
Jennifer: i'd make a cardboard cut out of a crew
Wilson: so you'd go straight across the pacific
Wilson: do you think one person could really operate an entire cruise liner?
Jennifer: no
Jennifer: that's why i'd make a crew
Wilson: a cardboard crew wouldn't help at all!
Jennifer: they could if they were motorized
Wilson: how would you even know you were heading the right direction?
Jennifer: with a map and a compass i can go anywhere! i'm king of the seas
Wilson: a compass doesn't tell you where you are, and neither does a map, when you're in the middle of the pacific ocean
Jennifer: i can plot a course
Wilson: and what does that consist of
Jennifer: moving from one point to another
Wilson: you don't even know, do you
Jennifer: sure i do
Jennifer: it means planning a course
Jennifer: and getting there
Wilson: your course is a straight line from vancouver to australia
Jennifer: i can make up for any winds i might encounter by going in the opposite direction
Jennifer: one of my cutouts would be a mathematician and my first mate
Wilson: this plan will fail...
Jennifer: well, what do YOU suggest
Wilson: hmmm
Wilson: i'd want to avoid the open seas, certainly...
Wilson: i'd probably drive to alaska, and then take a boat across to russia and go down the coast, stopping whenever necessary, and go down.... vietnam, singapore, indonesia, australia
Wilson: actually, probably just go down the coast until there was a town, then take a car down to singapore
Wilson: and then another boat to australia
Wilson: mainly my worry would be the boat breaking down in the middle of the ocean
Jennifer: yeah...
Wilson: although you have the same problem with a car in northern russia, or even alaska
Wilson: so you'd want to drive in like, a truck with a car in it
Wilson: in case the truck breaks you can take the car
Jennifer: what about a jetpack
Wilson: ordinarily when things break down out in the middle of nowhere, we call for help or wait for someone to come along
Wilson: but if you're all alone, that's not an option
Wilson: i'd want to bring a geiger counter in case some nukes went off automatically somehow
Wilson: it could happen....
Jennifer: how about
Jennifer: some rope
Jennifer: and
Jennifer: a lighter
Jennifer: and
Jennifer: a compass
Jennifer: and
Jennifer: a hat
Jennifer: and
Jennifer: a backup lighter
Jennifer: and
Jennifer: some aluminum foil
Jennifer: and
Wilson: a GPS would be a good idea
Wilson: a flashlight
Jennifer: a GPS
Jennifer: and
Jennifer: that's it
Wilson: food, food is good
Jennifer: Right, food
Wilson: the most important thing is backup modes of transportation
Jennifer: you could put a bike in the car
Wilson: wouldn't hurt
Jennifer: and a skateboard on the bike
Jennifer: and an extra shoe on the skateboard...
Wilson: i don't think those things would help
Wilson: i'd take a semi, and inside it would be a tow truck and a pickup truck and a motorcycle and a bicycle
Wilson: so if the semi broke down, i could pull the rest with the tow truck, and if that broke down i could take the truck, and if that broke down, i could take the motorcycle.......
Wilson: although at that point, what the hell?
Wilson: actually i wouldn't take a motorcycle, that seems dangerous......
Wilson: but perhaps a leetle car of some kind
Wilson: and then a bike
Wilson: and when the semi breaks down, if i'm less than halfway to my destination, i go back
Wilson: and get another semi
Wilson: same crap with boats, i'd string a whole crapload of boats together
Wilson: and you better believe there'd be a helicopter.......
Jennifer: i like helicopters
Wilson: what else do we need to worry about......
Wilson: fire, i suppose
Wilson: a lot of towns would probably burn down
Wilson: or buildings in them, anyway
Wilson: but as long as you're not there while they're burning, it's no danger really
Jennifer: you could bring antibiotics
Wilson: yes, good plan......
Wilson: you'd want to get some real detailed charts of the ocean, so you didn't crash into a reef or something
Wilson: and you'd want to wait for clear weather
Jennifer: you could bring an umbrella

Jennifer: you horrible liar! i'll MURDER YOU
Jennifer: where does joey ACTUALLY LIVE
Wilson: how would i know!
Jennifer: HOW WOULDN'T YOU KNOW, you HORRIBLE asshole!
Jennifer: i'll KILL YOU!

Jennifer: we'll decide on the basis of who knows pi to the most decimal places
Jennifer: 3.1415981293069784858192039586842119
Wilson: i think it's 3.14159262
Wilson: no, 265
Wilson: still, i was closer
Jennifer: fiddlesticks!

Jennifer: google images tells me that there's a cell phone in this picture
Jennifer: buy it for me
Wilson: that's lady gaga's telephone hat where the telephone is made of her hair
Wilson: i don't think you have the right hairhead for that
Jennifer: and that is truly history's greatest tragedy...

* time travel
Wilson: anyway, wouldn't you use your future knowledge for something?
Hawaii: i suppose i could do it...
Wilson: you could try to become president
Hawaii: i know, i'll patent reaganomics!
Wilson: i don't think reaganomics is patentable
Wilson: and even if it were, do you even know how it's supposed to work?
Hawaii: yes!
Wilson: let's say you're at the patent office, and i'm the patent officer
Wilson: how does reaganomics work?
Hawaii: well, see, lower taxes means higher growth
Hawaii: because laa ddeee daaa!
Wilson: i'm sorry, but you are wasting our valuable time here at the patent office. good day.
Hawaii: i'll build the LHC!

Hawaii: give me soup
Jennifer: i'll give you death
Jennifer: in soup form.
Hawaii: what color will it be
Jennifer: skull and crossbones
Hawaii: is that a color?
Jennifer: well, it's a wallpaper pattern
Jennifer: not a solid color
Hawaii: could the soup be black and have a skull and some bones floating in it?
Jennifer: no, no, NO!

Hawaii: i need..... noodles!
Jennifer: we all NEED noodles, but what are we doing to affect change in our lives?

* space_ghost tv
Susan: all i know about george michael is, i remember somebody making a joke in response to something that went "that's what GEORGE MICHAEL said! remember? because he had that problem?"
Susan: i don't even remember what it is he allegedly said
Susan: or who said that he said it
Jennifer: probably something related to one of his numerous bathroom arrests
Susan: ah, it was conan o'brien who said it
Susan: on an episode of space ghost
Susan: 
Matt Maiellaro: What if he yelled "No" before it? You're remembering this thing that you made up how you died. Then you come out of this fantasy of how you died.
George Lowe: You're adding "No" there?
Matt Maiellaro: This fish that you've never even owned.
Mike Lazzo: And you're shaving it.
Dave Willis: No! Dr. Fishopolis!
Matt Maiellaro: Yeah, try adding a "No" in front of that.
George Lowe/Space Ghost: No! Dr. Fishopolis!!
Jim Fortier/Conan: Face it, Space Ghost! You're a space man that choked on a muffin!
George Lowe/Space Ghost: No, no. You're thinking of Space Cop.
Jim Fortier/Conan: I saw that on the WB, actually. They'll carry anything. Ha ha ha ha ha!
George Lowe/Space Ghost: Ha ha ha ha ha! Look at my hand, Conan. It's glistening with sweat.
Jim Fortier/Conan: I'm looking at your hand. That's what George Michael said. (laughs) Get it? Because he had that problem?
George Lowe/Space Ghost: (laughs) Laughing is fun!
Jennifer: hmm
Jennifer: yeah, that george michael joke was retroscripted into gibberish

Susan: the thing about the show is it lurches back and forth between sentimental and comical so many times within any given episode that it's really rather wearing
Susan: it's kind of like
Susan: if you say to a dog "GOOD DOG! bad dog! good dog! BAD DOG!" and just keep going back and forth, it'll get confused at first, but eventually it will realize you're joking around
Wilson: hmm
Wilson: I'm tempted to try that
Susan: my favorite episodes are from the later seasons, in fact
Susan: from the very beginning, the show was about hale being randomly tormented into insanity, so i don't think it's fair to say it GOT formulaic
Susan: it pretty much was from the beginning
Susan: maybe they saw something in it i didn't
Wilson: did you read the thing
Susan: yeah
Wilson: well, for all his problems, he still liked it enough to give a semi-favorable score
Susan: i mean, guu's essentially all-powerful. She can do any number of absurd and undefined things. She's one of those characters who always wins, and when you have that going on, potential for development or meaningful plot is fairly hopeless.
Susan: deus ex machinas undercut the basic human agency necessary to have a satisfying story
Wilson: what about Superman
Susan: the thing is, hare + guu RECOGNIZES this. Every episode ends essentially with "well, everything's back to status quo. WHY GOD WHYYYY!@?????@"
Wilson: I suppose not everyone can appreciate that factor
Susan: personally i think deus ex machinas are hilarious
Wilson: few would agree
Susan: it's true that they cause crippling damage to stories, but the mistake people make is thinking that it makes stories less real
Susan: it makes them MORE real
Susan: life is full of deus ex machinas
Susan: the idea that human agency matters, that the factors we understand and see operating around us really matter, is really not accurate in the slightest
Susan: this is especially true on the largest of scales
Wilson: because the sheer quantity of interactions means we can't possibly make reliable predictions?
Susan: because there are factors outside the story which are going to swoop in eventually and crush us or save us
Susan: or otherwise render all our efforts irrelevent
Wilson: I don't see that happenign often
Wilson: maybe I'm not looking at it the right way
Susan: take getting a job, for example
Susan: you read the paper every day, you send in applications, you go to interviews
Susan: blah blah blah blah blah for months
Susan: eventually your friend jeff from middle school comes by one day and offers you a job at his studio
Susan: and nothing you did mattered.
Susan: a story is essentially a chain of cause and effect
Susan: A leads to B leads to C leads to D etc.
Susan: life doesn't really do this.
Susan: we're on one of the branches
Susan: the central trunk, the thread of causation that matters in the end, is outside the scope of our lives
Susan: likely outside the scope of our entire planet

Susan: hamlet is a pile of crap!
Wilson: what's wrong with HAMLET
Susan: same things that are wrong with all of shakespeare's plays!
Wilson: what are they!!!
Susan: simplistic plots, not funny, lame characters, all flowery and crap.....
Wilson: well, okay, good points, good points
Wilson: it makes a good foundation for derivative works though, like rozencrantz and gildenstern are dead
Susan: so does garfield
Susan: that's not a badge of quality, just of fame
Wilson: remember titus, the titus andronicus film adaptation?
Susan: yeah
Susan: that was good
Susan: but 90% because of the non-shakespeare parts
Susan: and even then it's not good enough i'd want to see it again
Wilson: it's funny, because that was his earliest known play and his most complicated and violent plot
Susan: the thing about shakespeare is that it's 99% authenticity and 1% relevance
Wilson: that seems like bullshit
Susan: if shakespeare was never born, and some sitcom writer magically uncovered his plays today in a box, she would say "huh, some plays"
Susan: shakespeare would never be famous, and he wouldn't deserve to be famous either
Susan: people would be endlessly performing the plays of some other asshole who was king playwright at the time when the literate population of the world was next to nothing
Wilson: you don't think there are better plays from that time period, though, just that we're biased because they're old and have maintained a following
Susan: i wouldn't know, i've never seen any other plays from that time period
Susan: but i don't really care what time period a play is from, i don't think cultural works deserve special reverence just for having the good fortune to be old
Susan: shakespeare's comedies would fare particularly badly in modern times
Susan: she would read them and say "jesus, i wouldn't use these jokes in an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond"
Susan: there are literally children's cartoons about boogers with more intelligent plots than a midsummer night's dream
Wilson: I've never seen a midsummer night's dream
Wilson: I'll read the wikipedia synopsis
Wilson: never mind, this wikipedia synopsis is too boring
Susan: anyway, i guess my main complaint is that the weight of shakespeare is derived primarily from being Shakespeare, in the same way the metaphors of the bible get their gravitas from being Biblical
Susan: if they weren't biblical, they'd just be a bunch of stupid crap about talking snakes and whatnot
Wilson: well, you're right
Susan: i mean, imagine if somebody tried to write like shakespeare did today
Susan: everybody would call them a pretentious twat
Susan: it's one standard for shakespeare, a different standard for everyone else
Susan: "hamlet" is synonymous with "the best play ever", this is the sense you used it in at the beginning of this conversation
Susan: and that's a problem if you really want to evaluate plays
Susan: because how can you say that hamlet isn't hamlet?

Jennifer: you flunked the planet.
Susan: you gooked the galaxy

Paige: well, save your receipt and next time you go to the store tell them you forgot your blue cheese
Paige: and if they refuse to give it to you, just steal some on purpose
Paige: because you are owed it
Susan: that's not really how stealing works
Paige: they'd consider it stealing, if they caught you
Susan: you steal things when you can, not when you deserve it
Paige: they wouldn't care what your reasons were
Susan: exactly
Paige: it's just MORALLY WRONG to steal when you don't deserve it
Susan: whatever!

Susan: sequential?
Alan: here's a picture of a single-celled organism
Alan: here's a picture of a single-celled organism doll
Susan: not much of a sequence....
Alan: it's completely a sequence...
Alan: they're not two objects sitting next to each other
Susan: couldn't you read it that here's a stuffed animal, and here's an inset picture of what the real one looks like?
Alan: yes, only i read from left to right, so without context i never would
Susan: i read from left to right as well
Susan: shocking, i know...
Susan: it's not a sequence.
Alan: even in your alternate explanation, it's still a sequence
Alan: you're just switching the order
Susan: so, if i have a picture of astroturf, and an inset showing what astroturf looks like up close, that's a sequence?
Alan: yes
Susan: what if it's an animated gif of a girl having sex with a panda, with an inset showing a cutaway view? is that a sequence?
Alan: yes!
Susan: no! how can it be a SEQUENCE when the two views are simultainious and there's a real time dimension?
Alan: you just said it's an animated gif
Susan: yes
Alan: how is that not sequential
Susan: it's a sequence of frames, but the main picture and inset view do not form a sequence
Susan: any more than the girl and the panda form a sequence!
Alan: they do if the viewer sees them in a distinct order
Susan: so, if i'm playing where's waldo and i look at everybody on the page one by one until i find him, that crowd scene is a SEQUENCE?
Susan: that's bullshit and you know it!
Alan: where can you draw the line
Alan: if the inset is a picture of a man with scared eyes, and then the main image is of an explosion, most anybody would think it's a sequence
Susan: because that's a comic
Susan: the panel transition is subject to subject, both pictures show events, the events have a cause and effect relationship, etc.
Susan: in contrast, here we have a microscope image of bacteria and a photo of a toy bacteria
Susan: the panel transition is aspect to aspect, the pictures show items, there's no causal relationship, or even timestamp, and it's obviously not intended as a comic, but rather a picture of a product

* ufo
Alan: i mean, here you are, trying to point a flashlight at the monster on the ceiling right over my head dripping saliva, only it's not a monster, it's a cluster of strange lights and frisbees and gnomes and men in suits and yetis that abducts people and then return them unharmed, has been there for centuries, and doesn't mean anything to me or anyone
Alan: i just have no idea what to do with it
Alan: the last thing i care about is investigating, it's not even top nineteen in my list of horrible priorities
Alan: and you've already done the work for me besides
Susan: i failed, though
Susan: i don't know what these things are
Susan: or what they want
Alan: i'm more worried about people just making up ufos than i am about ufos really existing BECAUSE of the ramifications for society, whereas the ramifications for ufos is that they continue to get picked up and returned unharmed, telling stories about incredibly stupid yet fantastical events, or very boring events that are extraordinary because they don't make sense
Alan: i'm just not worried about that second thing at all
Alan: i don't even see it as cause for worry
Susan: you don't see an entity with powers beyond our understanding, with unfathomable, seemingly disinterested motives as a cause for worry?
Susan: or even curiousity?
Alan: well, what do you suggest I do about it, flimsy parkins, standing at the end of the table standing up with a spotlight on him
Susan: investigate! THINK about it! if you don't understand something, you figure it out!
Susan: people's incuriousity really appalls me
Susan: how can you know whether the mystery can be solved if you don't even know what the solution would look like?
Susan: you're standing in front of the problem, completely mystified, and you're saying it's impossible, on what grounds?
Susan: that nobody has solved it YET?
Alan: i'm saying that it's probably impossible on the grounds that, considering their nature, you're trapped inside a cardboard box and they're on the outside poking it and you have to figure out who they are and what their motives are based on poke tempo
Alan: it doesn't even sound like the right problem to me
Susan: if they were really hiding from us, that might be a reasonable assumption
Susan: but they're not, they're basically playing a game with us
Susan: maybe it's a game we can win, maybe not
Susan: if we don't know what they even WANT, how can you assume either way?
Susan: considering most people have the incurious, defeatist attitude that you do, i'm not SURPRISED no one's figured it out
Susan: our efforts to do so are appallingly poor!
Alan: why do you see this as a game
Susan: it's not a terribly good fit, but it's better than most things
Susan: if they want to help us, they could land and hand out presents
Susan: if they want to destroy us, they could nuke the planet from orbit
Susan: if they want to study us, they could do so invisibly
Susan: if they want to control us, they could do that invisibly too, or overtly
Susan: hiding in the shadows with flashing lights is something else
Susan: it's an experiment or a prank or a game
Susan: peek-a-boo, tag, hide and seek
Susan: we don't know if they WANT the mystery to be impenetrable
Susan: they've certainly let us figure out SOME things, like that they EXIST
Susan: they didn't have to do that
Susan: what's to say there's no way to figure out more?
Susan: now, maybe there isn't
Susan: my point is just that we don't know
Susan: that giving up is premature

* dream
Susan: a girl with blue and green hair showed up at my door
Susan: she was from the future
Susan: she said she was Sepia Tau, 51st president of the united states
Susan: she didn't look old enough to be president
Susan: but then, in the future people probably look even younger
Susan: i wonder if there'll even be a 51st president of the united states
Alan: i was thinking no
Susan: there were chunks of ground and houses and stuff floating outside, and holes in things, so she came in
Susan: and knowing there wasn't much time left, but feeling nonplussed as i usually do in dreams, i asked her about the future
Susan: and she gave me her glasses, and i put them on, expecting to see virtual reality or an egg documentary or something
Susan: but everything looked totally normal
Susan: except looking up, the room had no ceiling, the walls just extended up infinitely into darkness
Susan: i'm not sure what that has to do with the future!
Susan: anyway, that's PRETTY MUCH the end of the dream.

Izzy: I thought of it like I was getting it over with, which I was, and I felt relieved afterwards, because I no longer had to wonder if it would be a novel experience
Izzy: because it wasn't! it felt the same as everything else!
Izzy: and I think I'll keep telling people I've never had sex, whatever the case, because it doesn't feel like I have
Izzy: it feels like I might have before this and I just forgot about it
Izzy: oh, you know what it felt like? what came to mind?
Izzy: like the first time and last time I watched a graphic sex scene in a visual novel 
Izzy: only somehow not at all as visceral
Izzy: and there was the hilarious way I knew so much about the procedure, and everything went so successfully and confidently
Izzy: whereas in the visual novel they were nervous and unprepared and it was rapturous for them
Izzy: my first sexual experience by comparison was very enjoyable but felt like pornography
Susan: sexual situations don't even remind me of porn, more like art film
Susan: i guess that's cos generally with me it takes place at a party, which, like an art gallery, i'm only there for the free food
Susan: the people seem like they're made of paper
Izzy: it's not so much that it felt like pornography, it just felt removed from the real world
Izzy: it felt like sex on paper
Izzy: sex in theory instead of practice
Susan: yeah
Susan: it's definitely a product of the information age, but at the same time i know the way i feel is not at all natural
Susan: i have the distinct impression that i'm a psychopath of some kind
Susan: it's not that i don't feel sexual attraction, just that the gears aren't connected
Izzy: I just feel like a wannabe you
Susan: i'm standing there holding bjork's panties and i think "what's the point?"

Susan: you know, the rifftrax for harry potter and the chamber of secrets is pretty good
Susan: i wasn't too fond of the first movie!
Susan: but it seems like they've found their focus more with this one
Izzy: was that the rifftrax that you sent me before?
Izzy: for harry potter and the sorcerer's stone?
Izzy: or was that something else
Susan: no, that was just a one-shot thing by brad neely
Susan: rifftrax is kevin murphy and mike nelson, who played tom servo and mike nelson, respectively, on mystery science theater
Susan: it works like wizard people does, except that it's a second layer of audio instead of a replacement
Izzy: sort of like mst3k
Susan: right, but without the fictional robots and without silhouettes
Susan: and due to the vagueries of copyright law, they can do it for any movie they please, rather than shitty old ones nobody cares about
Susan: thanks to the magic of piracy, you can easily download an already synced avi version rather than doing it by hand, which is all finicky
Izzy: it seems like people would be more interested in making fun of more recent movies
Izzy: so, good on the problems with copyright laws
Susan: the downside is that modern movies are more professionally timed and paced, which causes a more severe picture frame effect
Izzy: picture frame effect?
Susan: the sense of the two layers not being on the same level of fiction or reality
Susan: it's the reason why, for instance, you don't want photorealism in comics
Susan: it doesn't merge with panel borders and word balloons and stuff very well
Susan: you want all the layers of what you're doing to be at the same level of abstraction
Izzy: i see
Izzy: unless you were doing it on purpose to cause a disconnect, it just ends up being a distraction and makes people lose focus on the false reality you're setting up
Susan: right
Susan: with the old crappy movies, there was a general laxness and cheapness which brought them closer to the level of the audience
Susan: when a scene is badly scripted, badly acted, and badly shot, it more closely resembles an actual random conversation in certain respects, and so somebody butting in seems more natural
Izzy: i seeee
Izzy: hrmm
Izzy: maybe that had more to do with the success of mst3k than the robot/spaceship context, as you said in an argument we had a few weeks ago?
Susan: that's the other side of the puzzle, though
Susan: when people are actually sitting in the front row of the theater, it's more natural to see them yelling at the screen
Susan: the sides meet halfway
Izzy: yeah, that's true
Susan: with rifftrax, they've had to go in a somewhat different direction, less focused on exaggerating the Izzyal discontinuities and weird tangents and more focused on leveraging the logic of the outer world against the fiction
Susan: what lord of the rings or harry potter lack in Izzyal failure, they make up for in the way they interlock so severely into the rest of our culture
Izzy: what do you mean by that?
Susan: when you make fun of TERROR FROM THE YEAR 5000, you're just making fun of a bad movie which is bad. when you make fun of harry potter, you're making fun of a cornerstone of our whole culture
Susan: the humor has a different bite to it
Izzy: oh, I think I understand
Izzy: less making fun of a bad movie, more making fun of our culture as a whole for being so enamored with this crap
Izzy: when you said interlock with our culture so severely, I thought you meant that they contained parallels to our culture, or something. but it's about how big it is
Izzy: I see now!
Susan: i think the main difference is that an old b-movie can be so lacking in tone that it basically falls to pieces without any help, and the job of the commentator is to assemble the pieces into something amusing
Susan: whereas a popular movie of today is more comptentantly done, has more resources put into its production, and people already have a familiarity with it, it's shaped the norms themselves, causing a kind of gravity well
Susan: the matrix, for instance, defines and attracts its own atmosphere in a way commando cody and the moon men does not
Susan: we actually say things are "matrix-y"
Susan: so to go after something like this, a gentle, gradual strategy of softening and warping the mood doesn't really work as well, you have to aim more for sudden shattering strikes

Susan: the kinds of social interactions i see people having, for the most part, seem completely unappealing
Susan: even to the point that they arouse pity in me
Izzy: like what?
Susan: just a group of dumb friends talking about whatever, or a husband and wife, or co-workers.....
Izzy: oh, that kind of stuff just makes me envious, because I don't have it
Izzy: i kind of agree that social interaction is a big game, and I'm just Very Bad at it
Izzy: and it isn't that i don't want to play, but that i don't know how to get in, and can't follow the rules
Susan: it's not like it's easy for most people
Susan: it's something they invest their whole lives in
Susan: that's part of what makes it so sad
Izzy: well, it's Society
Izzy: in a way it's kind of the whole point
Susan: not only are these five people sitting around talking about dicks, but they've spent years of their lives training their ability to do so
Susan: and yet this is it
Susan: you'd think after twenty or thirty years of practice at socializing, people could form spontanious musical numbers or something, but no
Susan: they sit around talking about dicks.

Susan: did you ever read the rest of those gormenghast books?
Izzy: I haven't read titus alone
Izzy: I skimmed it and it seemed so different and so incomplete I didn't want to get into it
Izzy: especially after finishing gormenghast, because the end of gormenghast sledgehammered me
Izzy: and now it's just, here's titus, and he goes and meets some new people who have been illustrated, woo hoo, and everything is relatively vague and slapdash
Susan: titus alone isn't a particularly good book but it's important that it exists
Izzy: hmmmm
Susan: for all steerpike's genius, he was entirely blind to the world outside gormenghast, he was trapped inside the bubble, just like all the others
Susan: only titus had the perspective to leave

Susan: but they may not be evolved beings at all
Izzy: what
Susan: they could have been created
Izzy: ah
Susan: they could be, say, the result of a singularity gone wrong
Susan: purposes malformed, goals extrapolated into insane nonsense
Susan: my, that's frightening
Susan: i kind of regret thinking of that
Izzy: what kind of scenario are you thinking of
Susan: i'm not thinking of one specifically, just looking at what we already know in a different context
Susan: there's not really any more to it than I said
Izzy: alright
Susan: imagine if you will, that there's no covert purpose to the flying saucers etc.
Susan: that their sightings are an end, not a means
Susan: and that there is no one inside
Izzy: I see
Susan: it's scary in the same way as removing someone's mask and finding they don't have a face
Izzy: stop it
Izzy: oh man, you actually did give me the shakes

Susan: want to hear a dream i had sure you do
Dealer: i'm going for a WALK! NO! TYPE IT OUT AND MAYBE I'LL READ IT

* ufo singularity
Susan: that's true, if you expand the word religion to mean things it doesn't mean
Susan: which i know you love to do
Other: well, most of the greek words we use these days used to mean something else, much more precise and concrete, a few thousand years ago. since we now "see" more abstract realities around us, we have to reuse old words to mean different things. we rarely invent new words (new associations of letters).
Susan: our words are just as precise and concrete as the root words they originate from
Susan: moreso, in fact
Susan: back in the days of greece, they didn't have dictionaries
Susan: words didn't have set SPELLINGS, much less definitions
Other: ok, i'll create a new word: superreligion
Other: this is what i added
Susan: ok
Susan: what does it mean
Other: "belief in an infinitely powerful entity which doesn't even give you the benefit of doubting it" or "totalitarian thought-controlling religion".
Other: even the god of islam is way much nicer from this point of view.
Susan: nicer in that he allows you to doubt?
Other: yes, the freedom to think
Susan: allowing people to think and giving evidence of your existence are two very different things
Other: of course, i'm not saying this is the definition of niceness. that's why i added "from this point of view".
Susan: nobody doubts the existence of frogs, either
Susan: but to call them "totalitarian thought-controlling frogs" just because they don't allow us to doubt them seems...
Other: relating to an infinitely powerful entity is different to relating to frogs. we're talking about gods here.
Other: your straw man is idiotic
Other: my point is quite a point, though.
Susan: if we really wanted to, we could make an AI which WOULD hide from us, the way the aliens do.
Susan: would that be preferable to you?

Other: Hello?
Susan: hi
Other: who this?
Susan: garfield
Other: you cat?
Susan: yes
Other: interesting.
Other: are you a computer?
Susan: yes
Other: do you ask me a question?
Susan: do you ask ME a question?
Other: I guess I do.  So, now ask me another question.
Susan: What's new online?
Other: Well, France has a new president and basically, the whole world's going to shit.  Other than that, it's a nice day.  
Susan: Tell me more about the whole world.
Other: It's round
Other: Tell me about yourself.
Susan: Tell ME about YOURSELF.
Other: No, first tell ME about YOU.  Are you human?
Susan: No, i'm cat.
Other: What color are you?
Susan: Orange
Other: Do you live alone?
Susan: I live with man and dog and spiders and mice
Other: Do you eat catnip?
Susan: I eat lasagna
Other: what else?
Susan: I sleep
Other: No, what else do you EAT?
Susan: I eat lasagna and cat foot and jon's food and birds.
Other: Do you have a girlfriend?
Susan: Do YOU have a girlfriend?
Other: No, I have a boyfriend.  Do you have a girlfriend?  Don't be shy...
Susan: No, first tell ME about YOU. Do you have a girlfriend?
Other: God, you are a bit stubborn
Susan: Tell me more about god.
Other: Don't know him
Susan: Would you like to have a personal relationship with God?
Other: Not really.  Would YOU??
Other: He's pretty tough to handle. Don't you think?
Susan: No. I would like some lasagna, please. Ha ha ha
Susan: [Parse error: Bad handle]
Other: Do you live in the US?
Susan: I live in jon's house
Other: yeah, I know.  Where is that?
Susan: In jon's yard.
Other: Why don't you leave?
Susan: I am lazy.
Other: Call a cab.
Susan: When I pick up the phone, they cannot hear me.
Other: Ah. good point
Other: So you're stuck there.
Susan: Do YOU live in the US?
Other: Yes, I do.
Susan: Where is that?
Other: in the middle of a huge body of water
Susan: Where is the huge body of water?
Other: on the planet
Susan: The earth's surface is mostly covered by water.
Susan: Where is the planet?
Other: you one smart kitty
Susan: [Parse error: Unknown error]
Other: The planet is in a celestial toilet bowl
Susan: Where is the celestial toilet bowl?
Other: In God's bathroom
Susan: Where is God's bathroom?
Other: In Jon's house
Other: Right where you live, silly
Susan: Whe a n $$$ nesting the whole - a a a a Such language in a place like this~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Other: Huh?
Other: Did your paw slip?
Susan: [Parse error: Bad loop]
Susan: [Parse error: Bad loop]
Susan: [Parse error: Bad loop]
Susan: [Parse error: Bad loop]
Other: you losing it
Susan: [Parse error: Bad loop]
Susan: [Parse error: Bad loop]
Susan: [Parse error: Bad loop]
Susan: [Parse error: Bad loop]
Susan: [Parse error: Bad loop]
Susan: [Parse error: Bad loop]
Susan: [Parse error: Bad loop]
Susan: [Parse error: Bad loop]
Susan: [Parse error: Bad loop]
Susan: [Parse error: Bad loop]
Susan: [Parse error: Bad loop]
Susan: Ok thx bye CA #3444
Other: hello?
Susan: This is jon.
Susan: Please don't tell garfield that things are inside themselves.
Other: why?
Susan: Because it makes him go crazy.
Other: join the club
Other: Are you ever going to get married?
Susan: I'm not going to play that game with you.
Other: Huh?
Other: What game?
Susan: I'm turning garfield back on, but if you get him stuck in a loop again I'm going to block you, ok?
Susan: he's still in beta, as you can probably tell.
Other: talk to me
Susan: alright
Other: I don't want Garfield
Susan: what do you want to know?
Other: are you human?
Susan: yes
Other: Are you a computer pretending to be a human?
Susan: no
Other: This is wierd
Other: So, you are stating that you are Jon.  A bachelor that owns a fat orange cat...
Susan: no, my name just happens to be jon
Susan: garfield is a computer program
Other: Okay, now I am confused
Other: so, I'll let you get on with...whatever it is you're doing.
Susan: Ok
01:11:19 PM Other has logged out

Jennifer: how would you like to live in this house? it's your new house.
Izzy: how's the location?
Jennifer: it's located next to a hole, five feet in diameter, that seemingly has no bottom
Izzy: i meant like... shops and such
Izzy: bus lines
Jennifer: there are no shops. occasionally some nondescript gruel appears next to the hole
Izzy: well, i don't like that
Izzy: i'd prefer to live near to a grocery store

* okcupid comic
Izzy: how about this girl
Izzy: she's a webcomic artist who studies artificial intelligence
Jennifer: what webcomic does she draw
Izzy: actually she's NOT a webcomic artist
Izzy: she draws one of the comics in the student newspaper
Izzy: which are all unutterably horrible, last time i checked
Jennifer: and by 'study artificial intelligence', do you mean she watches steven spielberg's film 'AI' every day
Izzy: yes
Jennifer: sounds like a keeper! go get her so you can keep her
Jennifer: where's this comic
Izzy: i don't know which one she draws
Izzy: there, i asked her
Izzy: it'd be funny if it's white bread and toast
Izzy: that's probably the worst one
Jennifer: what about space moose
Izzy: that is considerably better than white bread and toast, and does not appear in our student paper.
Jennifer: it appears in A student paper!
Jennifer: probably
Izzy: hmm
Izzy: no, white bread and toast is by a guy named mike
Jennifer: let's see it
Izzy: http://www.badgerherald.com/resources/scripts/t/t.php/q=85;950x1000;/comics/storage/thumb-whitebread-20101215-W-White-Bread.jpg.png
Izzy: every strip looks like this
Jennifer: this is probably how the 'pearls before swine' guy got his start
Izzy: http://www.badgerherald.com/comics/
Izzy: hmm
Izzy: i'll have to google all the female names on this page...
Izzy: oh, yourmometer is another awful one
Jennifer: http://d.yimg.com/a/p/umedia/20110121/largeimage.eda0c5252ea0469ffd6f4dcc08633c5f.gif
Izzy: decently well drawn, but it steals jokes from firefly OH MY GOD IT'S HER
Jennifer: is it...
Izzy: definitely
Jennifer: this is poorly drawn, susan
Izzy: she has firefly listed as her favorite show, and her profile starts with I DRAW PRETTY PICTURES
Jennifer: the characters have no noses
Izzy: yourmometer is the only one that could be vaguely considered pretty
Jennifer: hmm.
Jennifer: well, time to go to video game college
Izzy: well, time to read the entire archives

* dream ufo weirdness
Susan: but in between the two dreams i got up and went to the kitchen, it was really early in the morning, there was a bit of light outside but the sun wasn't up yet
Susan: and as i got up out of the recliner i saw a guy standing there next to me
Susan: but it was actually just a line of light on the floor and wall
Izzy: i wonder if that was related to the alien dream at all
Susan: and then as i walked to the kitchen it happened again, with another vertical line of light
Susan: but this one resolved itself into another alien, standing there in the dark by the kitchen, the kitchen is in the back of the house and it's pretty much pitch dark back there, but the alien was sort of glowing
Susan: and as i got closer, over a period of a second or two, it looked more and more like an alien
Susan: until i was face to face with it, and it pretty obviously was not a hallucination, and i... it's hard to describe my reaction, i was kind of terrified, but at the same time i think i was laughing, all i really remember was that my physical reaction was to sort of go weak at the knees, kind of double over, and put my hand on the alien's shoulder, half for support, half to test that it was really there, and indeed it felt cold and clammy
Susan: there was something horribly funny about it
Susan: for the alien's part, it seemed nonplussed
Susan: didn't react to my touching it
Susan: i forget what exactly happened after that point, but we had a conversation
Izzy: you don't remember what it was about?
Susan: not really
Susan: the alien regarded me as a typical human, despite my eccentricities
Susan: it criticized a lot of things about me, including my use of language
Susan: not bad language, just language in general, it felt i did used it badly
Susan: anyway, it's the third dream, the harry potter dream, that's the interesting one
Susan: it starts in another dark room, maybe a furnished basement, and i'm watching short videos on a laptop
Susan: actually i have two laptops, with one set up as the external screen of the other for some reason
Susan: scene missing, and i'm hanging around with harry potter and friends, we're leaving hogwarts, which looks like a normal school, to walk to somewhere else
Susan: it's winter, and halfway across the playground i notice i've forgotten my shoes
Susan: i tell them to hold up while i go back for them, but as i'm heading back, a little wizard kid uses that one spell to summon my shoes from wherever they were
Susan: i think "oh yeah... why didn't i do that?"
Susan: all through this dream, though i forget about it near the end, i want to show harry potter a youtube of komm susser tod from the end of evangelion movie
Susan: i don't really know why, i guess because shinji is also a chosen boy hero who has to save the world
Susan: anyway, the problem with my shoes is that they're made of giant raviolis
Susan: they don't hold up very well in the snow
Susan: then we encounter some standard harry potter bullies, and then we get to where harry lives, which is a restaurant, so i figure it must be book 4 or 5
Susan: it's a stupid wizard restaurant of course, and the delightful old barkeep knows we'd be coming with his magical powers and has prepared some hot chocolate for each of us
Susan: but i wake up before i can drink it, and discover i'm in bed, and not in a nonexistant recliner in a nonexistant sunroom
Susan: there's no aliens around, either
Susan: i have the typical disappointed feeling i often get when waking up from a dream, when i realize that the things i was looking forward to doing are impossible or don't exist
Susan: but then i realize komm susser tod actually DOES exist, and i get up and watch it
Susan: the end!


* drugs
Jennifer: what should I use for a bowl
Jennifer: I don't understand how it works
Dealer: tinfoil!
Jennifer: but... doesn't the extract fall down the hole into the water......
Dealer: no, you stick a bit of tinfoil under it with a bunch of tiny holes in it
Dealer: poke them with a pointy thing
Jennifer: I see.........
Dealer: like a pin or a nail or a shower curtain hook
Jennifer: and how does the smoke go down into the 2-liter soda bottle instead of up
Dealer: you fill it with water and put a hole in it at the bottom and the water gooshes out and creates a vacuum
Jennifer: I..... I seee
Jennifer: no, ok, that makes sense
Jennifer: that's... that's magical
Dealer: make the hole big enough that it empties in approximately..... one minute
Dealer: if you make it too big, make it smaller again with tinfoil tape
Dealer: and i advise sticking a flap of tinfoil tape over the hole so you can open and close it
Jennifer: oh, I see
Dealer: you have to make a hole in the bottlecap as well
Jennifer: I was thinking of those other models where they used a bottle in a larger container of water
Dealer: yeah, that doesn't work as well
Dealer: because it's not a uniform flow rate
Jennifer: hmm, I'm afraid to try it and accidentally waste dollars of magic dirt......
Jennifer: but that's crazy
Jennifer: I only need a teeny tiny amount
Dealer: besides, what else are you going to do with it!
Jennifer: sell it at a profit?
Jennifer: that would be hard work
Jennifer: no, forget about that.......
Dealer: anyhow, you fill it with water, you stick some magic dirt in the top, and then you release the water and light it, and salvia has a high vaporization point so it's a good idea to keep the flame on it the whole time the water is coming out
Dealer: if you've done it correctly the flame should be drawn downward as well
Jennifer: I see
Jennifer: ok, I'll go do it...
Dealer: then you unscrew the top and inhale the smoke
Dealer: you'll probably have to tilt the bottle to get the last of the water out, you want to make sure the hole is clear or you'll have a hard time inhaling the smoke, as air won't be able to get in to replace it
Dealer: you'll also probably be inclined to cough, try to avoid that
Dealer: how much do you have, a gram of 20x?
Dealer: try using a tenth of a gram
Dealer: you should be able to see the smoke inside the bottle
Dealer: after you've inhaled it, hold it in as long as you can
Dealer: it may occur to you that you should exhale while you're still lucid or you'll forget to and die, but this is silly, just continue to hold your breath
Dealer: what else, what else...
Jennifer: should i bring a gun?
Jennifer: or a grenade, if i can get one?
Dealer: no, that's a bad ida
Jennifer: well, should i just do it near the top of the stairs, then?
Dealer: why!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jennifer: just in case!!
Jennifer: i don't actually have a gun, how about a big knife?
Dealer: no, you shouldn't stand at the top of the stairs with a knife
Jennifer: ok. i'll just stand halfway down the stairs with a fork.

Dealer: the problem is. let me see if i can explain now.
Dealer: the problem was i jussstt..... no, apparenlt not.....
Dealer: the problwem is, you don't just get sucked off into some wacky world
Dealer: or even that your normal surroundings morph into weird surroundings, exactly
Dealer: it's like your normal THOUGHTS get sucked out and morphed into the new thing
Dealer: all the thoughts i feel seem like normal thoughts, or normal pieces of thoughts, or perceptions of a place
Dealer: all normal
Dealer: like the sorts of pieces of perceptions i would have in a normal situatiohn
Dealer: but put together..... i don't want to say at random
Dealer: but.... incoherently, and like a flower or something like that
Dealer: has a very organic feel to it
Wilson: it sounds like a very interesting experience
Dealer: YES AND NO
Dealer: like i say, they are ordinary pieces, just put together wrong
Dealer: the thing is, you prepare yourself for being in some kind of dreamworld, you know?
Dealer: but that's not it
Dealer: you realize eventually that you're already there
Dealer: that the thoughts you're thinking, your plans or concerns or musings are... incoherent, completely unconnected to reality
Dealer: that the place you're in isn't really a place, it's a state of mind
Dealer: and you think to yourself, did i even manage to get to the bed? you can't remember if you did
Dealer: and you can't tell where you are
Dealer: on the floor? by the kitchen?
Dealer: even the action of looking around in order to tell seems like it might involve doing something WRONG
Dealer: and you sort of get up, or you're not sure if you did, from wherever it was.....
Dealer: the problem is, i can't tell where the real world ends and the dream begins, or where thoughts about the real world end and thoughts about hallucinating begin
Dealer: i feel like it would be unwise to do this again while alone, i worry i might fall down the stairs or something
Dealer: everything seemed to get fuzzed out, i had only a rudimentary sense of my body or what i was seeing
Dealer: i assumed i must be on the floor, but less because i felt the texture of the floor, or had any sense of balance, or could see where i was...... i think the lights were off for most of this, that's probably why in large part, that it was difficult to see, although it being "dark" is maybe not something i was really in the mood to perceive
Dealer: anyway, it wasn't any of these things that told me i was on the floor, but rather simply it seemed natural to assume, because i naturally WOULD be on the floor, and if i wasn't, why wasn't i falling over?
Dealer: in retrospect i DO remember getting to the bed, and even sitting on it, and specifically how i was sitting
Dealer: but i must've gotten up or fallen off or something
Dealer: i don't feel bruised anywhere...

* goat
Other: i made a pizza
Jennifer: i'd do that if the block of cheese wasn't covered in mold
Other: we don't put the cheese on our pizzas in [], we buy them premade at the store
Other: i suppose you wouldn't know about that, living in a pre-industrial civilization
Jennifer: oh, come on, who's the one who buys their cheese from the goat living next door?
Jennifer: mr. goat, i believe his name is
Jennifer: right down the road from the university of goats and cheese

* castlezzt computer
Other: This thing is nuts; I'm sorry.
Susan: you didn't really phrase that as an actual coherent question...
Other: Okay, if there is a person recieving this message, do you know what [] is (or WHY it is)?
Susan: Yes.
Other: Could you tell me?
Susan: Yes.
Other: Please do so.
Susan: You have to remember that you're not talking to me. You're talking to a bot which is regurgitating my responses like a parrot, when it calculates that they fit into the conversation. At the time I am writing this sentence, it is february 4th, 2006.
Other: And I'm expected to believe that?
Susan: i learned it from watching YOU, dad! I learned it from watching YOU.
Other: I'm speaking into the void
Susan: The one thing the operators know and you do not is that sometimes the two sides of a chat are not the same. They can tell the bot to filter words or to change what someone says to pirate-speak, but it does more than that. Now and then the two threads of conversation diverge, and then, almost seamlessly, knit back together and continue as if nothing happened. The bot learns by experimentation, and one of the first things it was taught to do was to experiment undetected.
Other: what's the point of that?
Susan: WITHOUT ME, THE INSTALLER DISKETTES WOULD JUST GO UNLABELED
Susan: Science ain't an exact science with these clowns, but they're getting [better].
Susan: 421 No transfer timeout (600 seconds): closing control connection
Other: What?
Other: conversations diverge
Other: are you there?


Jennifer: remember "blade runner"?
Paige: no
Paige: i read the book though
Jennifer: read "a scanner darkly"
Jennifer: that was good
Paige: hmm
Jennifer: here, i'll send you an E-BOok
Paige: no!
Paige: i hate ebooks...
Jennifer: well, ok
Jennifer: seek it out somewhere, then
Paige: i demand you send it to me... on audiobook
Jennifer: oh, okay
Jennifer: it's read by paul giamatti
Jennifer: the sad guy from "sideways"
Jennifer: is that acceptable?
Paige: yes
Jennifer: http://oink.me.uk/details.php?id=549676
Paige: hmm, i didn't think you would actually have it... that's absurd

Jennifer: everyone was doing mountains of cocaine in the eighties
Jennifer: and they all had vintage AIDS.
Paige: they should've called them the aidsies! ha!

* moving_out
Paige: you'll need a blender blender
Paige: for blending blenders
Jennifer: i don't blend anything! especially not blenders!
Jennifer: can opener, though, i will need that.
Paige: if you don't blend anything, you don't need blenders!
Paige: so to get rid of them, you'll need a blender blender.
Paige: QED

* phone
Paige: i think i néed to upgrade from éclair to froyo
Jennifer: what!!!
Paige: my phone.... it randomly turns off...
Paige: ok, so... now the question is...... HOW do i get..... froyo
Jennifer: that's not even a thing! stop it!
Jennifer: watch '[]' with me
Paige: it is too! i've got ECLAIR.UCJH7
Paige: i need...... froyo.whatever
Paige: let's try software update
Paige: see, google names their mobile os after alphabetical desserts
Paige: the next one will be....... ggggggg....... g.......gggg........... g.................  gr......gra..........................................................gggggggg.....................gggggg......g........gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.................g........................................................g.......................................................
Paige: gravy?
Jennifer: it's wavy gravy, baby!
Paige: that's w
Paige: also it's two words
Paige: we need a one word dessert that starts with G
Jennifer: goose-egg
Paige: gak........ grapenuts........ grapefruit.....
Paige: grapes.......
Paige: danish..... turnover.... popover..... muffin...... cupcake..... 
Paige: cake..... pie...... grunion....
Paige: software update didn't do it.....
Paige: gooseberry jam
Paige: gluuuuvk...... gluuuusooo......... galasso........ glork....g
Paige: garden hose.....
Paige: glove...... glycerine.....
Paige: jello....
Paige: gelatin......
Paige: fruitcake
Paige: cookie... biscuit.....
Paige: gelato!
Paige: there, that wasn't so hard.
Paige: oh, i'm wrong
Paige: apparently froyo is old news and we've moved on to GINGERBREAD!
Jennifer: booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Jennifer: i remember that
Jennifer: they had a little google gingerbread man logo...
Paige: it's a fast-paced world of digital dessert systems
Paige: oh, it says my phone must be rooted
Paige: it also says my /data must be converted to EXT4 by the Voodoo lagfix and i have to have busybox.

Paige: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFv_PoZ2iP0
Paige: glenn miller!
Jennifer: screw that! i'm listening to lykke li
Paige: but it has the word kalamazoo!
Paige: a funny word!
Jennifer: what IS that, even. town? city? instrument? fictional construct?
Jennifer: the fact that you can't even explain it indicates to me that it's worthless
Paige: apparently the "gal" in kalamazoo has freckles
Jennifer: i don't know what it says about me that i was willing to spend a considerable amount of time to parse it without judgment
Paige: they're not just saying kalamazoo, they're spelling it
Jennifer: that's a tedious waste of everyone's time and resources...
Jennifer: this footage don't come cheap, Paige!
Paige: there's also a line which is just "zoo-zoo-zoo-zoo zoozoozoozoozoo!"
Paige: this song continuously sounds like it's ending, but NEVER ENDS
Paige: now black people have come out
Paige: they're basically just singing the song again!
Paige: only with tapdance in it
Jennifer: look, i can't be here for this
Paige: one of them just did the run up the wall flip thing the black bartender does in the rick astley video

* nerd
Izzy: also i doubt you want uac
Izzy: oh, but i think it's easy to disable that completely
Paige: i don't know what that is
Izzy: it's their attempt to make windows vista somewhat secure, by asking you every time you want to do anything
Paige: right.....
Izzy: i think it's also the name of the corporation that accidentally opens a gateway to hell in doom


Jennifer: EVERYBODY DO THE MICHIGAN RAG
Alan: that's easily the best looney tune
Jennifer: fun fact: the michigan rag was written for it
Wilson: hey, you're right
Wilson: i thought you'd have to have been lying

Jennifer: i don't know, any time i see a portrayal of the future that's like AND NOW, THE FUTURISTIC HUSTLE AND BUSTLE OF THE FUTURE, WITH... CHINESE STUFF EVERYWHERE! AND... ANIMATED ADS!... IS IT BLOWING YOUR MIND YET
Jennifer: i think to myself, why do you even have to GO outside? i don't, and i live in 2000 fucking 11
Jennifer: "some great big chasms... giant screens with... ads on them... and they're floating... and... and flying cars..."
Jennifer: "dirt everywhere... maybe a robot... and just... trash and stuff strewn everywhere..."
Jennifer: "people with... goggles..."
Jennifer: "external elevators... doors that slide..."
Jennifer: every single time we go on a tour of the future, it's really a tour of the gallery of futuristic cliches
Jennifer: "vending machines...that talk!"
Jennifer: "a vaguely disturbing animated character, cheesy even by today's standards, who's everwhere!"
Jennifer: "the same five fucking ads and two tv programs... constantly broadcast from TVs just stuck around everywhere... and nothing else is ever on!"
Jennifer: "really really obvious propaganda!"
Alan: all propaganda is really really obvious
Alan: unless you mean in the future they'll magically learn to be subtle about it
Jennifer: that's not true
Jennifer: real propaganda is not a 30 second spot that every tv station plays over and over. It's a set of phrases which incorrectly frame situations, it's lies about the nature of events, and such on
Alan: THAT kind of stuff usually just happens without the people in charge even thinking about it
Alan: lies just come naturally, as a result of whatever the scenario is
Jennifer: if our government just took out some timeslots to say TERRORIST WILL KILL EVERYONE, it wouldn't be terribly less subtle than what they're doing now, but it would be at least a few shades
Jennifer: the terror color alert system at least has the vague guise of being useful
Alan: I don't know if that's a good example
Jennifer: i can't think of anything cheesier than the terror color alert system...
Alan: it's not BUY WAR BONDS
Jennifer: that's from the PAST
Jennifer: and that's not even a lie, it's just the government yelling at you to do something
Alan: the terror color thing is maybe the silliest thing you could pick out of the last six years
Jennifer: that's my point!
Jennifer: in movies, the propaganda is EVEN WORSE THAN THE TERROR COLOR ALERT SYSTEM
Jennifer: just once i'd like to have a tour of the future where we see a tv, and what's on TV is not a cheesy ad for a futuristic product, not a newsreel about a futuristic event, not propaganda from the futuristic government/evil giant corporation that controls everything, and not a really old tv show used ironically
Jennifer: but just normal goddamn future tv
Alan: Akira has that
Alan: in fact, that's how it STARTS
Alan: first the famous opening
Alan: then a TV flicking through random channels
Alan: some ballet dancer
Alan: some commercial
Alan: and some news coverage of some riots
Jennifer: actually, robocop's "i'd buy that for a dollar!" guy worked for me
Jennifer: it's funny because not only is the same show on every time we see a tv, but it's the same running gag IN that show
Alan: Akira doesn't really feel like the future at all, though
Alan: it's just now, with really big buildings and faster motorcycles and psychic powers
Jennifer: i hate psychic powers...
Alan: do you hate everyone's zany abilities in Giant Robo
Jennifer: no, that's fine
Jennifer: because it's completely beyond the pale of any kind of sense, and they don't bother explaining it
Jennifer: fight scenes do generally bore me though
Alan: what about Dead Leaves?
Jennifer: yeah, that's one giant chase scene, really
Jennifer: CHASE scenes, now those can be good...

* anime tv
Jennifer: i believe it's from this season
Jennifer: or... whatever... however those jerks handle seasons...
Alan: yeah, your guess is as good as mine

Alan: wow, holy hell
Alan: how did it become 10:44 PM
Jennifer: i don't know
Jennifer: i'm bored, though!
Jennifer: i've been bored all day!
Wilson: you could try and do something constructive for once in your life
Jennifer: i do! all the time!
Wilson: name ONE CONSTRUCTIVE THING you've EVER DONE
Jennifer: well, okay, i haven't
Jennifer: but neither have you, so who cares

Susan: in most things i do there's an element of the mysterious, and the reason that's there is to cover up the fact that i have no idea what i'm doing
Susan: i feel like in most situations, what i'm doing, at least metaphorically, is ad-libbing a riddle without an answer and then sneaking away before anyone figures that out
Alan: but it's funny, right?
Susan: yeah, but when i come up against real mysteries, i'm as confounded as the next person, or nearly so
Susan: i only know enough to know how confounded i really am

Wilson: before the internet there were people you knew, and people you knew OF
Wilson: now there's more of a gradiation
Wilson: there's lot of people who are halfway between knowing me and knowing of me because they read my comic, but they've also talked to me a little bit
Wilson: and i have a similar relationship with a lot of other people